You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
I think I've finally come to the point where I'm ready to close the 2011 chapter and move on to the 2012 chapter. This means moving on once and for all from dwelling on what I've gone through, and trying to focus only on building my life from this point on. This took some time to achieve, and included some mental anguish (during which my blog posts sounded like the rantings of a whining emo jerkface), but over the holidays I turned a corner and now feel that I may finally be free from it all.
I had something brewing under the surface in the weeks approaching Christmas, and it was causing a nervous tension between Laura and I. We both noticed it, but neither of us brought it up. A few days before Christmas, I was really tense and I was trying to just ignore the fact that Christmas was on us. I was approaching Christmas as minimally as possible, feeling that if I could just get past this holiday without involving Sarah, I'd be reclaiming that part of my life forever. But I was unable to isolate why I felt that way, and unable to isolate why I was feeling so withdrawn. It was having an impact on my interactions with Laura, as I was noticably more withdrawn and somewhat numb. Then on Christmas eve, she finally broke that ice.
She brought it up, asking what was going on, and that forced me to examine it. I realized that what I was upset about was the fact that I wouldn't be spending the holiday with a sect of what I consider my family simply because of Sarah. She wanted me to come over to her house for the holiday, but I needed this one to be Sarah free so that I could move on. However, this meant that I wouldn't see her family, who I care about and have adopted as my own family over the last 12 years. This was what was upsetting me beneath the surface, and when I finally was able to isolate that, I felt a huge weight lift off of me. This tore down the wall I had been building, and made me realize that it was ok that I wouldn't see them this year. I needed to be Sarah free for the first Christmas since 1998, and that made me sad that I'd be missing seeing certain people I cared about. I was still sad about it, but I was aware of that now and able to process it and move on from that sadness.
In that realization, I turned a corner. I now am feeling that I can finally put all of this whiny emo bullshit aside, and move on with my life. I'm looking forward to 2012, as it will symbolize a brand new beginning for me. It'll symbolize the proverbial slate being wiped clean, and it'll be a celebration of the new life path before me. I'm back on my budget, I'm working hard at my musical and business ventures, I'm in school, I have an income, I have a car, I have food in my cupboard, and I have a beautiful woman who loves me. I'm thankful to be so blessed, and I am ready to stop bitching about what I've lost. I'm ready to start living my life unincumbered by the suffereing I went through in 2011, and am ready to start living my life as a happy, mentally balanced adult who appreciates what life has given him.
With that, 2012 will be the year I turn my life around and live it finally on my terms. I'm in an ass kicking, take no prisoners mindset. It's time for happiness to prevail in my life yet again.
I think I'm gonna go into the textbook writing market. If I can get several teachers at several colleges to require my textbooks, then I'll be in for a fortune!
Sarcasm aside, I thought educators were supposed to make it easier for students, not harder. Tuition is hard enough to afford without going into a mountain of debt, and considering that there is no guarantee of a job when you graduate, this is a large financial risk with no guarantee of a return. If it doesn't work out in your favor, welcome to a lifetime of debt!
So then why are the prices of textbooks so high at colleges? I signed up for winter classes at Columbus State Community College, and I was appauled at the prices of my textbooks! This is nothing new, but I'm floored every quarter by the outrageous cost of a book that I'm gonna use for 10 weeks, then sell back for 1/5 of the price I paid for it IF I'M LUCKY!
One option to combat this is to enter the used book market to buy my books on the cheap, and this is an option I'm exploring. But there is a problem. It would seem that the book publishers have learned that their books aren't being bought new by every student, and have figured out a scheme to ensure that the students go further into debt in order to buy the new book from them, hence increasing the publisher's profit margins exponentially. This is by offering extra material in addition to the book that is only accessible online through the use of a pass code, which incidentally only comes with a new book! If it doesn't come with a new book, it can be sold separately for around $80!
That's right, $80 for access to an online database you'll use for 10-15 weeks then never go back to!
I thought the schools were supposed to offer the learning materials, but instead they are letting us buy more of it from the textbook companies. The problem is that the textbook companies are charging us out the ass for books we never open, and the school is requiring us to access data that is overpriced! This is only a drop in the bucket of the problem of high student debt, but it is a contributor nonetheless.
It would seem that capitolism has a stranglehold on our higher educations, and it won't let go.
With time comes understanding, and with understanding comes healing, and with healing comes the ability to close the doors and move on.
I think I'm nearing the understanding phase of my divorce.
Let's explain.
Sarah and I were together from July 4th, 1999 to Christmas Day 2010. (Wow, one holiday to another, weird coincidence). That's a long time. So on one hand, it's understandable that our split would cause some inner turmoil and emotional issues that I would have to deal with. But I feel that what I've gone through is above and beyond that, and if the split had happened in a better way things would have likely been better for me emotionally this year.
There was no easy way to do what Sarah felt she needed to do, I get that. I do feel that the split itself could've gone better, but it is how it is. Eventually she did what she needed to do and just got out of the house, but that was 6 weeks after she dropped the bombshell on me, and 4 months after she implied that she was losing interest and started avoiding me at all costs, while trying to distance herself from me and making me sleep in the lazy boy in the living room.
I realize that she didn't know what she wanted to do and hadn't made up her mind, but I feel that on her end it could've been handled with more grace to spare me some psychological damage. If she hadn't avoided me at all costs, ignored my phone calls, tried to pretend to her friends that I wasn't living there anymore when in fact I was, and made me feel like I was something to be ashamed of, it might not have hurt (as bad anyway) on February 5th when I came home to an empty house.
I'm not blameless in how my year went after that. I hate many of the things I've done this year to Laura in my emotional aftermath of hurricane Sarah, and she didn't deserve any of it, yet she put up with it and tries to offer as much understanding as she's capable of offering. Still, I'll always hate that Laura came back into my life at that exact time, because I fear the damage I've done to her as a result of the hell I was going through. That said, I'm so thrilled to have her in my life, and I don't ever want that to change.
But I'm starting to realize and understand that my year has been hell because of the damage done to me by this messy split. I mean, when you drop the bomb "accidentally" on Christmas Day that we're no longer together, how can you expect me to look at Christmas the same the following year? It's not a fun holiday, for the first time in 12 years. When you leave me feeling like I'm second class and not worth your time, it's natural to expect me to have some identity issues and confusion about what I wanted in the aftermath. When you leave in general, it's natural to expect me to be angry about it, and when it's been 12 years, it's natural for me to be angry and feel abandoned for a while after that.
Long story short, i've been damaged by the way it went down. I've gone through hell to come out on this end, nearly a year later, and now I'm starting to see why I was so damaged. It was the shitty way this breakup was handled.
So now that I get it, my hope is that I can just move beyond the anger and move on with my life. I've moved on in many ways, I'm in a new relationship after all. My life with Laura is awesome, even though I feel terrible crippling guilt a lot of the time for how I treated her when I was going through all of this and sorting myself out.
So now that I understand it all more clearly, one hopes I can just get past it and focus on moving on. I think maybe it's time for that to happen, cause quite frankly, I'm growing weary of bitching about this all the time on this blog. I feel like anyone who reads it will think that all I do is sit around and mope about this hell of a year I've been through. I feel like I'm hesitant to even post these whiny blogs to facebook anymore because of that. Whining isn't all I do, but it's naturally going to happen. So when you yourself are getting sick and tired of your own bitching, you know it's likely time to get over it and move on. That's the beginning of the healing phase, and I think that I'm getting there at long last.
I find it strange how often my mood about things fluctuates. I'm going constantly between being moody and emo about things to being pissed off to being optimistic to being emo and moody again. It's happening too often. I'm starting to wonder if there's not something deeper going on that needs addressed, but even if I could afford a therapist, when the hell would I find the time?
I'm extremely optimistic about my 5 year plan. I get really happy and excited thinking about moving back to Colorado. But then I get really pissed off at having left, and how things fell apart after I left. Then I get happy about my relationship and the way things are going in some respects, but then I get all moody and emo about everything that's happened over the last 18 months.
I want some stability. I'm sick and tired of not being sure what the hell I want, or what the hell I am feeling. I'm also getting really sick and tired of bitching about missing Colorado. I don't want it any less, but I'm getting tired of bitching about being away from it.
I guess I don't understand where I'm at emotionally at the moment, and that's frustrating. It doesn't seem I can get what I want without massive amounts of work and patience, and that creates a lot of anger because I don't want to have to wait any longer.
I just don't wanna be all moody and emo anymore. I want stability emotionally, and I want to be happy.
I was raised by a man that was not my father. The man who raised me, I refer to as Dad, cause that's what he is. He was there for me as a kid, taught me to play catch, yada yada yada.....
My father, I met for the first time when I was 15. We met over pizza and discussed the family that I'd never met. Then he vanished from my life again.
I made a few attempts to meet with him, and nothing really came to fruition. So eventually, after one last attempt before moving to Colorado, I gave up. I figured I'd given it a shot, and the ball would forever be in his court.
He picked it up when I was turning 28. He contacted me and apologized for bis absence, and after a few weeks of thought, I responded. We've been talking since. I eventually forgave him, although truth be told I still harbor some resentment, but that's my burden to bear. You can forgive, but it's hard to forget.
Fast forward.
My father always talks about what he wants to do. He always talks about what he wants to see before he dies, cause he's never seen much of the country. He always talks about ambitions and goals that he wants to undertake.............then he sits on his ass and smokes his cigarettes.
Recently, he severed ties with a relationship, and when the ship was going down, I offered him a temporary place to hang his hat while he picked up the pieces. He actually made an agreement with me to move in for a few weeks, so I cleared out the room that was the band lounge at my studio and set it up for him.....
....While having this conversation, he discussed his desire to make this be his chance to do what he wanted in life finally, and go move to the ocean.....
....two days later he posted on facebook that he was moving to Marietta. He never called, he never wrote, he never texted......real dick move.
So this pissed me off, for obvious reasons. The least he could've done was to let me know.............actually, that's wrong. The least he could do was what he did, and not bother with me.
When I asked him why he was going back to Marietta, and not following his lifes dream of moving to the ocean, he implied that it was the safer road and made excuses.
So not only am I pissed about his lack of consideration for me after telling me that he'd move in, but I'm also kinda seeing him finally as a fucking coward. This is a shame, because I wanted to know him. I'm not writing him off, but at this point, he's put in zero effort in his role to me as a father. I've forgiven the past wrongs done, and although the scars are still there, that's my cross to bear now.
But the simple fact that he was so easily willing to just give up and move back to Marietta instead of following his dream......I never want to be that. You only get one fucking shot in this world, and you can't let anything hold you back. I learned that early on, when mom died. It could go away at any time, and nothing is ever certain, so why the fuck would you waste your time playing it safe in life when it's all up in the air ultimately anyway?! It makes no sense.
So maybe that's a valuable lesson that he did give me. It's a cliche', but maybe my father showed me who I never want to be. So for that, I say thank you. And to my dad, who fought to be there for me even when it wasn't favorable, thank you for always being there.
Weird to type that and have it feel like just another day in just another month.
I'm not taking much stock in Christmas this year. There are plenty of reasons, and one of them is that I have no money to buy anyone a present.
But other than that, I also don't have someone living with me making me feel all festive. it's easy to get excited about a holiday when the other person is excited about it too. But after 12 years, that person is gone. This is my first christmas in 12 years without her, and I don't know if I'll even see her over the holiday.
Kinda weird, but also, kinda not at all.
After all, there were deep wounds cut this time last year. That's gonna take some time to heal, and it's still going.
But this isn't just another long winded rant about how hurt I feel about the separation.
Actually, this is more of a statement to the fact that I don't think Christmas is really all that important.
After all, why do we hold so much stock in a commercialistic holiday designed to line the corporate pocketbooks by promoting good will in the form of a pretty package?
Ok, sure, it was started as a religious celebration of Jesus's birth……but come on. Only a small handful still celebrate that aspect of the holiday now. The rest of you are waiting in your long stupid lines on black friday to plow your fellow man over in order to get this doodad or that doohickey because the corporate machine has you by the balls……but I digress.
If you take away the commercialism, and you take away the religious aspects, Christmas is supposed to be about being with those you love and those that truly matter.
Forgive me, but after last year's disastrous Christmas, is that person really going to be Sarah? I'm not so sure. I know it'll be Laura, and my family, but where Sarah fits in…..I'm not sure.
And if I'm not celebrating the religious side of the holiday this year, and I'm not celebrating the religious side of the holiday, then buying presents and hanging lights become useless practice…..especially when I have no money for either.
So I'm just going to let Christmas be what it is……another day on the calendar. I'll spend it with family, and I'll be glad to see them, but it'll not be quite the spectacle that it has been. Because of that, I'm just letting it slide by this year almost unnoticed.
Maybe I'll get back in my holiday spirit by next year……who knows.
There's so much I wanna touch on. I don't honestly know where to begin.
It's 1 week before Christmas 2011.
On Christmas Day it will be 18 months to the day since we drove out of Conifer Colorado in the moving van……
……it'll be 1 year and 2 months approximately since Sarah first hinted that she was having second thoughts about our 12 years together……..
……it'll be 1 year exactly since she let it slip on Christmas Day 2010 that our relationship was in fact over……
It'll be 10.5 months since she finally was able to move her belonging out of the house, and transformed from my best friend into a major source of stress and despair in my life.
I'm over it. I've indicated this. I've moved on, and am now with a woman who loves me, respects me, has faith in me, and who I doubt I'll ever be able to let go of because of those reasons…….and because of so many more.
But the fact is that I still have a lot of anger and resentment. It's bubbling up like crazy right now, and I need to get it out.
For instance, I've made no secret of the fact that I was in love with the Rocky Mountains. It's approximately 18 months now since I've last laid eyes on them before slipping away like a thief in the night. If you read this blog, you know how big of a loss that has been for me. But just when I thought it was getting better……….it got worse.
Over Thanksgiving this year, I went to Atlanta Georgia to visit my family. This was my first road trip of any significance without Sarah, and it was a much needed experience. I wished that Laura could've been there, but I made the most out of being in the region. On my way back, I stopped in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.
I'm not sure if this was a great trip, or a big mistake.
There I was, completely in awe and completely in love with the landscape. It was like having the Rockies in the heart of the Plains. I was geeking out, taking photos and videos at every turn. I went to the top of Clingman's Dome, even though it was covered in a cloud bank and I couldn't technically see beyond 30 feet. But it was covered in conifer trees, and I was breathing the cool thin mountain air, and I honestly felt like I was at home again.
It was something my soul needed…….
…….but now I can't stop thinking about home. I can't stop getting hourly flashes of the landscapes I left behind 18 months ago. It's a constant reminder of everything I've lost, and it's driving me nuts. And note that I am not exaggerating when I say that it occurs hourly.
I'm planning a return trip with Laura in June, and it'll be nearly 2 years since I left, but it won't be enough. I have too many places I'll want to see when I'm there, and I'll have too many people to want to visit, and I'll never want to leave. I know this will be a great trip spiritually, but then I'll leave again. I don't know how I'll handle that.
I know I'm getting all emo about a bunch of geological features that really hold no significance to how I live my life, but there's nothing like this place that I've ever seen in my life. I couldn't imagine anywhere more beautiful, and when I lived there for two years I'd constantly be out and about looking at my surroundings. They gave me peace, and they were a spiritual escape.
………and now they are gone. Now the relationship that defined me for 12 years is gone. Now the business opportunities I had begin while living there are gone. Now, after everything I've given up over the last 12 years for one person, I had to start from scratch in every way this year.
That infuriates me.
I remember one year ago this week. Sarah's brother's birthday is on the 23rd of December, and we'd usually head for Wheelersburg around that date. But Sarah and I would have our own Christmas celebration before opening gifts with family. I remember doing what I felt was a symbolic measure to show her that I was changing and going to be acting more responsibly, which was a great divider for us. I remember getting her mother, brother, and her brother's wife, to pitch in for a laptop for her for Christmas. This was to replace the one I'd dropped and busted just before we moved from Colorado. After getting her a laptop, I also bought her Mario for her Wii. These were both items that she wanted very much, and I got them for her as a symbolic gesture that I was going to be more responsible and take everything more seriously.
She loved the laptop. She loved the video game. She was ecstatic………and she seemed to appreciate the note in the Christmas card attached to the laptop that said that it was a symbolic gesture.....but 5 days later it was all for nothing.
January came, and I was begging her not to move out. It would be a financial nightmare for me, cause I wasn't sure if I could afford this house on my own. I was showing her that we could pay off our debts if we stuck to a budget and be in a better financial place if she'd just stay in the house and not increase our individual monthly expenses by adding on her own set of rent and utility bills. I begged and pleaded, and she seemed interested……….
But then on February 5th, I came home to a nearly empty house.
I kinda feel that if you're gonna leave someone, and they didn't want you to, that the least you could do is leave them some fucking furniture. I kinda feel that if you're the one to leave, you forfeit that stuff. You're leaving the person behind after all, so are you really gonna take away most of the possessions that you both shared as well? I don't think that's fair. She left me with my studio gear, a TV, a couple of end tables, and my grandfathers old easy chair that I had been sleeping in for the past few months.
I still feel abandoned. I still feel cast aside. I still feel like I wasn't important to her anymore, and she was making no secret of it. I still feel like she lost faith in me long ago, and despite the fact that I was legitimately willing to change my ways to be a more responsible person, she'd heard it enough and didn't give a fuck anymore.
I'm still angry.
This is my cross to bear, but it's still here. It won't go away. It's been fucking with me all year.
Couple that with the fact that I'm now separated with the place that I literally was in love with, and seeing no easy way back to it………..
………..but though it may not be easy, it will happen. It won't happen as soon as I want it to, or I'd have never left. But it will happen. It's just going to take some time now to put a few things in place first.
The things in life that are worth it are worth fighting for. I'm about to bring a reckoning to the pattern my life has seen for it's first 30 years. Ohio has tried to put me in the ground this year, and it doesn't want to let me leave, but I'm waging a war. I will not settle for less. There is no reason I should, because there's no reason I can't have exactly what I want. Period.
So what do I want?
Refer to my 5 year plan to get an overview of what I'm trying to achieve by New Years Eve 2017. There are a few things I've started since writing that blog that weren't mentioned, such as my new record label that I've formed, or my efforts to go into artist management. If I can take one of the artists I have full faith in to another level, then I have earning potential from that and it'll be easier to live life on my terms……
……because as I said, I refuse to compromise.
So let's summarize. I want dual residency between Denver and Columbus. I want this for two reasons. 1 is Laura. She's got ties here that I won't take her from, but I want to live life with her in the Rockies. So this would be a great way to keep her with her family, while getting my mountains back. 2 is for the business possibilities. I'm establishing the label here in Columbus, and I'm establishing the studio here in Columbus. I'm hoping to make those viable income streams while then establishing myself as a national producer who is hired around the country to produce records. Denver makes sense, because it's a major music market. The Flobots and The Fray are both from there. Denver would be a great music industry hub for me.
This is going to take a lot of work. I have to get myself out of debt in the next 5 years, build several businesses into profitable enterprises, reach out to a nationwide artist market as a producer, and create financial independence, all while being a full time student with a full time day job at the moment. It's a bit overwhelming at times. But for the last 1/3 of my life, I've put myself on hold for someone who ultimately cast me aside. I felt that was worth it, because I was happy. Now I'm 30, have nothing saved, and have been through hell in the past 10.5 months.
It's time to change the game. It's time to stop compromising on what I want. It's time to reach for it with every ounce of my being. FUCK EVERYONE who stands in my way. I WILL have EXACTLY what I want, and I will not settle for anything less.
To the one who cast me aside, I'm still angry. Deal with it.
To anyone who wants to hold me down, or who doesn't believe that I can do this, go fuck yourselves.
To Laura, the woman I love with all of my soul, thank you for your undying faith in me. I promise to give this everything I have and build a better life for both of us.
To the music industry, look out for me. Here I come.
I don't recognize myself. The person who I was for the latter half of my 20's is gone. I'm no longer that person. I don't even recognize who I was 12 months ago, as I was making my last desperate pleas to Sarah not to leave after 12 years.
So much has changed since then. It's like I've been poured out, shaken around, purified, stripped away, and left alone to find my way back from it all. I don't like the journey, but here I am. I don't feel the journey is done, but for the most part my inner turmoil is over. I've inflicted pain, been deceitful, been dishonest, and ignored my inner spirit's own callings…….only to hit rock bottom and begin climbing out in a different direction.
Things are different.
That is to say that things will never be the same.
Ever.
But here I am. I'm 30, have been living alone in this house for almost a year, and I've got a more galvanized attitude toward the goals I want to achieve in life thanks to the ordeal I've gone through this year.
And yet the fucked up thing is that there's one thing I can't shake.
Colorado.
In some ways, it's just a state, but in other ways, I felt alive living there.
I haven't felt that alive since.
I'm in love again, and that's an amazing experience……but I can't shake the amazing wonders I've seen. It almost seems like a dream, which makes it something of a nightmare because I can't wake up from it to realize it was only a dream. It's more like I'm stuck in the nightmare knowing that this amazingly beautiful and peaceful place exists, and that my soul calls to it, but I can't have it. I'm envious of those who do, knowing that some of them are taking it for granted. I hate them.
All I know is that, despite my entire person being morphed and changed over the last year, this is one thing that sticks with me. Until I can see the vast expanse of the rockies again, and live amongst it's wildness and seclusion, I fear that I'll always be somewhat of a shell of a person.
If you've been, you know what I'm talking about. If you've been, but don't know what I'm talking about, shame on you.
I plan to return with Laura in June of 2012. This will only be a vacation, but it'll also be a homecoming that will be hard for me to return from. I have so many sights I want to see while I'm there. I'm excited to see how Laura handle's the 14,264 foot peak of Mt. Evans, considering her athsma. I want to budget enough time to drive down through the San Luis Valley after dawn to watch the sun rise over the Sangre De Cristo Range. I want to hit up the Great Sand Dunes National Park while in the San Luis Valley, and add another park to my list……only now I'd be racking up parks with Laura as opposed to Sarah. Part of me wants to revisit parks I've been to before so that I can show Laura the parks for her first visit, and part of me wants to see new parks and continue to grow my National Parks experiences with the new love of my new life.
Even now, on a daily basis………actually on an hourly basis……. I close my eyes and see myself in the mountains. I can't imagine a different future for myself. I can't imagine a place more beautiful and pure. I can't imagine spending it with anyone other than Laura, and I can't imagine living out the rest of my days in Ohio. I just can't have it happen that way.
I listen to Paramore and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to Slipknot and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to Tori Amos and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to Flyleaf and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to 5 Finger Death Punch……….and after I get over how much I really don't like that band, I'm reminded of how often they were played on KBPI in Denver…..which reminds me of the Rockies (Damn you 5FDP).
I see myself driving down 285 by Aspen Park. I see myself in the King Soopers at Aspen Park when I'm grocery shopping in the Kroger in Marion Ohio. I look at Google Earth's 3D view of the mountains and retrace my old routes from the plains back up into the mountains.
I think it's safe to say that I'm obsessed. I prefer to say that I'm in love. I'm in love with a landscape that constantly made my heart sing by it's sheer beauty alone. The wildlife, the weather, the plants, the altitude…….it all became a part of me that I'll not be able to shake until I can return on a permanent basis.
I'll admit that I'm a little drunk while typing this, but all of this is true. I can't shake it. I'll return, there's no question. And when I do, I don't know how my soul will react. It'll be positive, but it could also be very emotional. I could buckle down and cry, who knows. But I do know that I want to return, and live there with Laura.
Laura's a key part of this. Would I move back if she weren't in my life? Sure. But would I be as excited? No. She fills my heart with the kind of passion that makes a place like that seem that much more important. I really want to share the entire planet with her. I want to spend the rest of my days with her. I can't imagine anyone else in the picture.
But this post isn't about Laura. It's about how I can still see myself on Richmond Hill Road, south of 285, seeing the mountains in the distance from a clearing as I face south, and feeling like I've stumbled into some magical place that simply can't be real. It's about coming up I-70 WB by the Buffalo Herd Overlook west of Denver and being in complete awe in every way every single time I came over that ridge, stunned by the view of the Continental Divide. It's about going home.
I've been trying all year to pull myself out of what I've often analogized as a personal tailspin. The bottom fell out in the first half sending me into a personal and financial tumble that nearly crashed over the summer. Since then I've been trying to pack on as many tasks as I can to get myself pulled out of the whole, but the burden of the work I now have can be crippling.
Something's gotta change......now.
I'm a full time student with a full time day job. I can't change that right now. But I've also been packing on a number of other projects hoping that one of them will be the game changer. The result is that I'm stressing myself out.
So it's time for a change. I've got to prioritize. I've got to approach all of this in a more intelligent way....one thing at a time. Sure, the workload still seems like a mountain. But instead of trying to blaze a trail to the top all at once and burning out quickly, this way I can climb it in incriments and be able to enjoy the view from the top, while stopping to smell the roses regularly.
The lowest priority for me right now is my own music, specifically my solo project. I'm stepping aside for a bit. I've got a Project DIVIDE EP to finish mixing, with a mountain of videos to edit for it. I've also got Enemy By Mourning's record to finish, which is getting close. But then, after the EBM record, I've got the flagship artist on my new record label F.R.O.E. Records.......a hip hop artist named Jovy. We've got to start recording Jovy's first release under the label and I'll need to focus heavily on the marketing campaigns once the record is done. So there's no real room for my solo music for a few months. But that said, I've got to make sure I buckle down to get things done as quickly as possible over the next few weeks while I'm on a break from school.
In an effort to save money, after being brought back to my day job in August and starting on a new financial plan, I started keeping track of how much I was spending on fast food. This amount never really went down much, but I was keeping track of it. This included things like Red Bull and McDonalds. I was always able to find some justification for continued consumption of this crap.
Then in October I had my cancer scare. I kinda fell off the bandwagon in terms of worrying about my spending, cause I was too worried about my health to really give a shit about keeping track of every penny I was spending. I drained my meager savings to pay my rent after missing work for the medical tests, and I found myself taking time off of work when possible to work on other projects going on in my life, which didn't help when you factor in that I was spending money without regard again.
When work announced that we'd have Thanksgiving day AND Black Friday off this year, I knew I was going to be in a tight spot again. Only the sad thing is that it was completely avoidable this time. If I had just kept on it, I wouldn't be in this boat yet again. But here I am.
So after getting my short Thanksgiving Week paycheck this past Friday, I revised my budget. Eek. Something has to change…..so I decided to hit my spending habits in the teeth with the same veracity I had when I first started on this budget plan back in August.
One of the things I did was commit to not eating out anymore. Although I'll admit that since Friday's paycheck, I had to eat at a drive through because I was kept away from home longer than expected after work……and then I bought some junk food and a red bull to keep myself moving on a mixing project last night……but then I entered those costs into my budget and I'm not spending another un-needed dime.
But I'm doing one thing differently. I decided that I can't just eat beans and rice and ramen noodles and be happy. If I keep eating that crap, I'm gonna be tempted to eat out because I want more variety. So I decided to introduce more variety in my diet again when it comes to my home cooking. After all, I loved cooking when I was cooking for two…..why can't I love cooking for one? Why shouldn't I put the same amount of pride into feeding myself that I put into feeding someone else?
Before, my lunch consisted of Beans and Rice with hot sauce and a coke zero. Now, I've made a garden salad with Italian dressing the main dish, and there is a smaller amount of Beans and Rice to give energy and cap off the meal. Often there will be a pickle too. This is quick and easy to make for my work day lunches, and I don't get sick of what I'm eating.
I've also been making this Szechuan Pierogie Beef Stir Fry with White Rice for dinner, that is pretty awesome. And the cool thing about that is that I make a big enough portion that it'll feed me for 3 days worth of dinner. I bought some new food storage containers, and just put what I'm not eating for dinner in the fridge. when it's time to eat the next night, it's quick and easy to re-heat on the stove (Sarah took the Microwave, never got a new one).
That's not the only thing I'm making in large quantities. I made a huge batch of french toast for me and Laura this weekend, and I put what we didn't eat (which was about 2/3 of the batch) in the freezer. This morning, for breakfast with my coffee, I popped two of those pieces in the toaster.
I found myself making peanut butter cookies earlier today, so that I have a quick "handy food" snack in the house. I even made a kick ass quarter pounder for dinner with a side salad.
Speaking of the salads that I take to lunch, one of the reasons I bought new food storage containers was so that I'd have something to put those salads in. But the cool thing is that I make several in advance and store them in the fridge, then my lunch packing for the day is very "grab-and-go". Get it out of the fridge, put it in the lunch box, and walk out the door. Convenient and easy.
I've been locked in my control room today working on a mixing project. There were a few times when I just wanted to go out and get a can of Red Bull. But instead, I broke out the coffee grinder and the french press. Worked like a charm, obviously, but I didn't feel bad for spending money that I shouldn't be spending.
The point of all of this is simple. I feel good. I don't just feel good about not spending money needlessly, but I feel good in general. My diet has been satisfying my palette, and I feel really good physically. I don't feel all sluggish and slow like I've been drinking a vat of fat, and my stomach has been more regular. And the cool part is that I've saved some money in the process while eating a much more varied diet!
I'm back on track with my budget. I don't plan to go astray again. It's gonna be a tight month, but what else is new? But despite all the stress that I may feel about money, at least I'm not gonna kick myself for spending it at the drive through anymore.
This was the video that did it for me. Let's start from the beginning.
I was in a band from the time I could be in one, up until I moved away from Columbus in 2006. I had been in a relationship at that point since 1999, when I was 18, and Sarah was going to grad school in Bloomington Indiana at IU. So I left the band, left my broadcasting job that I loved, and moved to Indiana. I was 25. I never really looked back to music for the remainder of my 20's.
By 2010, I had started a podcast about recording metal music, and made some friends in the podcasting community. I was also perusing a career as a recording engineer in Colorado. I was in love with the mountains, and I thought that after 11 years that I was happy with Sarah. But she wasn't happy, and looked for ways to change her situation to make herself happy again. That landed her a job back in central Ohio, so I closed my studio in Denver and moved back to the buckeye state.
Cue Pomplamoose.
Back when Pomplamoose released their cover of "Telephone", I saw my friend and fellow podcasting colleague Big Al Wagner post the video on (i think) twitter. I watched it, thought it was clever, but then moved on. I still lived in Colorado at the time. I thought it was cool to see the instrumentation they were using to create the music, and liked their quirky sound, but didn't give it much thought beyond that. I wasn't familiar with the original, and I just let it pass into the ether.
Little did I know…..
Fast forward 7 months after they release their "Telephone" cover to October of 2010. As you may have read, my life as I had known it for years began to come undone. Sarah began to express that she was having doubts about our relationship after 12 years, and I had moved away from the Colorado Rockies back to my birth home of Ohio. I started looking for distractions for the mental chaos that was going on, so I turned to recording podcasts to learn about more recording techniques, and I turned to youtube to watch people's studio sessions.
I think I'd have to credit Big Al Wagner again for posting something that caught my attention this time, but I honestly can't recall exactly what it was. But I found myself watching "Another Day" by Pomplamoose. I remembered seeing them months before when I was in my control room in Conifer, Colorado and passing it by after a brief watch. But this time, "Another Day" was the song that hooked me. I started watching, and watching, and watching, and digesting all of it. I was watching, and geeking out on the audio production tips I was gaining from the videos, I'd also be laughing at the goofiness that I'd see. I think part of my fascination was that it was obvious Jack and Natalie had a connection, and I was losing the one I had for 12 years. It was kind of like obsessing on what you were losing by looking at people who had what you were losing. I became rather obsessed with it for a brief period, I would watch the same 3-4 pomplamoose videos over and over, including Another Day, If You Think You Need Some Lovin, Mister Sandman, and Nature Boy. While watching, I'd get cues from the looks Jack and Natalie gave each other, and although that reminded me at times of what I was losing, it also helped in it's own way. So that helped make my fascination grow stronger.
By Christmas, I was watching a lot of other Pomplamoose videos, and had stumbled upon "Always In The Season".
Sarah and I were really big into holiday celebrations, and we were that sickening couple that would play christmas music in july because we enjoyed it. So this song became an instant favorite of mine.
Come January, I'm still in full distraction mode. I see Big Al Wagner post (yet again) on twitter "New Pomplamoose!" So I rush over to see their newest video for Achin Heart!
The holidays had passed, and Sarah had let it slip that things weren't going to be fixable. She was gearing up to move out, which she did on February 5th. But in January, I was still obsessively watching Pomplamoose videos. Being enrolled at Ohio State University taking business courses, and owning a recording studio in Central Ohio, I started taking notice around this time to a few things about their business model. I started noticing that they hardly played live, but they were being themselves and making pro videos that were gaining a following on youtube, which was driving their sales on iTunes! I started consuming it more feverishly now, watching for any business tips I could pick up.
Sarah leaves in February, and I start picking up my guitar again for the first time in almost 6 years. My former band mate from Day Nine, Josh Zeise, had started to come over to jam, and we started talking about forming a studio band. When the words "studio band" were uttered, it was like a light bulb going off. I realized that I wanted a chance to do what Pomplamoose were doing, and this was my opportunity. So Josh and I formed a band called Project DIVIDE. The approach I wanted to peruse here was to incorporate the same videosong concept that Jack and Natalie were using so successfully, and use it for a rock band. We began to talk about it, and decided to start working on a 4 song EP that would have videosongs. So we got to work. It's been kinda slow, but we're wrapping up work on our first EP (full time student with 3 jobs……cut me some slack).
In March, I was asked to perform at a show with an old friend as an acoustic act. I agreed, and decided to dust off my old collection of songs from 8 years prior when I was playing solo rock sets. This would be the first time I was on stage since 2006, and it made me decide to also peruse a solo career again. I decided that my solo career would also use the pomplamoose model, but I'd do live solo acoustic shows to generate a local fan base as well.
About this time, I got hooked on Jack Conte's solo career. With my own background in hard rock, Jack's solo style just seemed like a more comfortable fit, although I still love Pomplamoose. But Jack's song "Impression" remains one of my absolute favorites to this day.
I start consuming everything I can on the current state of the music industry, picking up where my industry geek-ery left off back in 2006. Some things had changed, but the basic principles were the same. So I decided to test the waters with my first videosong……
I chose the Buffy Theme because it was quick and simple, and would let me experiment with whether or not I was cut out to make videosongs. I like the results, and it's gained some small traction on youtube. I posted it to twitter, and Joss Whedon re-tweeted it! That was a MAJOR geek out moment for me……..
……and it was also a revelation that I could pull all of this off. If I could get Joss Whedon to repost it and increase my views exponentially in a matter of hours, then I could build a buzz about my own music. There was no looking back.
So with my new excitement for a second chance career in music, and my massive amounts of research into the industry (thanks Bob Baker, Making It In Music, and the millions of other resources I've found to re-educate myself…..) I started looking for new opportunities for a career in music. It even got to the point where in October, I had an idea to start a record label. We're working on starting it right now, but I'm using a lot of the knowledge I've regained after years of stepping away from the industry to carve my own place in the music industry. I now own a recording studio, am a member of Project DIVIDE, have a Solo career, and am Co-Owner of a record label that is currently in formation!
NONE of this would've been possible if Pomplamoose hadn't been there to get me excited about music again, and to help give me something to focus on when my life was going to hell in a handbasket. NONE of it. I'm now a rabid fan, and am stoked to find Pomplamoose on Spotify. I also have my own Pandora station dedicated to both Pomplamoose and Jack Conte.
I doubt Jack and Natalie will ever read this, and I'd be extremely flattered if they ever did, but if it weren't for them, I wouldn't be persuing my dreams again. So if you do ever read this on some off chance, thanks Pomplamoose. You've made a difference here.
P.S. - Who else can say they actually did something BETTER than Michael Jackson?!
