Renew and review

I think I'm coming to a head with a few things in my life. Financially, mentally, physically…

The studio is a great asset, but let's be honest. It's not paying the bills. It has been barely breaking even, and now that revenues are down 25% it's practically not even doing that. So if I can't break even, I can' t profit. If I can't profit, I can't put food on the table at home. I'm working a job that, while tons of fun, is getting me nowhere in life. It's not advancing me or my family, and my family has to eat. So I've been working on a few other things to try to spur revenues and keep the bills paid.

1 - I got a job. I start next week at my first day job since I lost my call center job in February. It's time to face facts, this ship isn't sailing. It's merely treading water. Meanwhile, I've got a hold to dig out of. The first thing you do when you find yourself in a hole is stop digging.

This will be a temporary situation, but it will be a rewarding one. I'll be providing respite care for a family who has children with autism.

2 - I've also re-enrolled in school. This time, I'm going not for business or marketing. I'm going to re-sharpen my production skills. I'm getting work in this field, I wanna sharpen the skills I'm already using. I start in January, as long as my financial aid comes through, and I'll be taking classes on campus rather than online this time. After all, online classes were so easy to let go that when life got tough I let them fall to the wayside. Time to start fresh and go to campus.

3 - I'm starting a new business. CLMastering will offer audio mastering worldwide. Unlike the studio, where I'm paid per hour of my work (and therefore has limited growth opportunity because there are only so many hours in a day), CLMastering has unlimited growth potential and will cater to a worldwide market. More on that to come, but I hope to be active by February or March.

The bottom line is that I've seen the writing on the wall. My family needs me to bring it home, and if the studio isn't catching on it's time to focus on what will. I'll keep the studio open, and I'll hope it grows, but my back is against a wall. If something isn't serving my family, it needs to be lowered in priority. Period. I'll never achieve my 5 year plan if I don't turn things around NOW.

So the next few weeks will bring a lot of changes. Let's just hope they are for the best.

Healing

Sometimes I wonder if some wounds will ever heal. Sometimes I wonder how deep the damage I did actually was, and wish I could just take the pain away from those I hurt last year. Sometimes I feel like a very worthless human being.

There's no excuses for any of my actions last year. I lied, cheated, and was a very selfish bastard. It was the least proud moment of my life. I look back at it now and wonder who I was or how I could ever have been so cruel.

But it's been over a year since then. Wounds are healing. Relationships are much stronger than they were. But the scars of yesterday still show themselves, and sometimes….like today…..they bleed. Those I love bleed, and I can do nothing to stop it. Those I need hemorrhage by my hand and I can only watch and sit back feeling the immense guilt of my actions. Those whose lives I couldn't stand to be out of show the damage I caused to them, and it makes me hurt.

My only wish is to be able to take the pain away. My only want is to be able to make her happy. But I'm cursed to watch the woman of my dreams crumble under the weight of the emotional wounds I caused.

And it is in these moments that I am ashamed to acknowledge the person I was ever existed. It is in these moments that the guilt overcomes me and consumes me, and I long to crawl into a hole and die. It is in these moments that my resolve gets the better of me, and I can do no more……

….for I can do no more. I can only watch the suffering and pray that it will all be gone one day. I can only pray that the pain will ease, and the questions will subside, and the fury will be vanquished, and all that will be left is the perfect union of souls that I know exists between us. I can do no more at this time than to wait, and to be everything I can be to her and this family. I can do no more than to pledge my entire life to her, and to mean it, and to dedicate my every move to the betterment of my family. I can do nothing more than to be here and fight for our survival and for us to thrive……….and to wait by her side as she walks through the valley of the shadow of death alone…..until she comes through on the other side. I can only wait until that day when, by the grace of God, her wounds are healed and her spirit can be at peace.

…..and I will wait, patiently, even if it takes 5 eternities. I will do this, and so much more, for her. She's the only one who was ever worth it and she is the only one who will ever BE worth it.

And so I wait.

Motivation

I'm sitting here at the studio, and am watching "Ride The  Divide", which is the film that inspired me to ride the great divide trail before I turn 40. I'm drinking my coffee, and watching the footage of the mountains, and thinking positively about my future. It makes me want to just kick ass and focus only on what will benefit me and my family.

I've had some confidence hits recently. But I've had events that gave me faith too. The confidence hits were caused by a lull in clients at the studio, but those things are going to happen. It's a cyclical business, and I can't let that get me down. But there's another thing that's had me acting somewhat irrationally. There was a studio in Columbus that had name recognition, and they had to close down a few years ago. They are re-opening in the building LITERALLY right behind my studio. I'll have a competitor 50 feet from my front door! That's a bit nerve wracking, but if I take the proximity of our studios out of the picture, the proximity doesn't matter in the least. If he were 50 feet or 20 miles, he'd still be another local option that I'd have to compete with. This guy's been in the game longer, has a local contact list, has name recognition, and can out-gear me any day of the week.

So those two issues have had a big hit on my confidence. But I need to get over that and move on. To help me regroup, I've been working hard on some promotional efforts. I've been going to shows every weekend, which is something I'd been not focusing on. I've been making new materials with viral sharing in mind. I've been working on my social presence online. I've even painstakingly been trying to improve my skills in every way I can so that I can compete with ALL of the local competition with ease. This has included lots of feedback from other engineers who aren't in my local market, and their input has been invaluable in helping me get better as quickly as I can. I've even been focusing on diversifying my product line so that I can offer something to folks who may not need recording or mixing services. I'm going to explore the opportunity to get into Audio Post work.

What I've learned about myself from the above is that even if I face something that seems bleak, and even if I let the stress get to me (which happened HARDCORE over the last couple of weeks), I always seem to find my way back to the positive place I need to be in order to move forward.

I've also learned that I have a rock to lean on when things seem bleak. Laura has been the most wonderful presence in my life, and has gone to extraordinary measures for the sake of our happiness and to feed the hunger in my soul. Without her, the bleak times would be even bleaker, and I find myself needing her grace more and more every day.

In fact, Laura helped me achieve something that I needed very much for the sake of the wounds my soul suffered upon my departure from the Colorado Rockies in 2010. We planned to make it out there this summer, and it was there that I planned to propose to her, but it didn't look possible due to financial reasons. Because of that, I took her to the Great Smoky Mountains, and it was there that she agreed to spend the rest of her life with me as my wife.  That day, she made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. The high lasted for days for me.

My heart still yearned for the west, however. It was very distressing that I didn't believe I could make it out there again, even after plans to go had to be cancelled. But in the middle of the summer, Laura suggested that we make a trip to Denver work somehow, and in August we hit the road for my first trip west in over two years.

Upon seeing the mountains for the first time, I felt like I was at home again. Being able to show Laura all the amazing sights that I had fallen in love with so hard meant the world to me. I broke down crying as I showed her the view from atop Conifer Mountain, which is where I used to live. I broke down crying again when she told me on our way to the San Luis Valley that she felt very at home there and could see living there with me very easily. It was an extremely medicinal experience for the part of my soul that was damaged by my departure from the Rocky Mountains. Laura and I visited our fourth national park, the Great Sand Dunes National Park, and it was by far the most fun park either of us have ever been too. She handled the altitude much better than I anticipated, considering her athsma, and even was able to handle the 14,000 foot ascent up Mount Evans before getting irritable due to the altitude.

Being able to see my mountains again, and to see the land that I love with every fiber of my soul, and to share it with the woman who has inspired the largest soul searching transformation I've ever undergone…..it was an extremely rehabilitative experience.


I've found myself not missing the mountains at any great extent since our trip. Laura speculated that I needed the trip to prove that I could make it out there again, and I think she was right. The trip helped us grow even closer than we already are, and made both of us think about our future together and with our daughters Lotus and Celest. It made me extremely confident about every aspect of my future. I still yearn to be there, amongst the great beauty of the west, but I think being there with Laura helped me make peace with my separation and bought me time and sanity.

As I write this blog post, I reflect on the events of the last two months. I see one constant. Laura. When I need strength, she does what she can to feed my soul. When I'm feeling on top, she's there to celebrate my victories and give further encouragement. Laura is my rock. Without her, I know my journey would be a difficult one.

Laura, thank you for constantly being a source of inspiration to me, and a reason for me to keep fighting. Thank you for keeping me grounded, and thank you for helping me keep moving on. I love you more each and every day.

 

I need a victory

I've decided that I need a victory.

The label has ballooned the size of the initial idea into something that won't see any real revenues for quite some time, and caused me to have to do a lot of work with no reward in the foreseeable future.

Project DIVIDE dropped off for a while so that I could set up the new studio location, and now that it's back in action there's a lot of work to do there in order to get the first EP out.

The podcast went into a temporary podfade, and I'm trying to re-generate it back into my weekly priority list.

The studio got busy, but then dropped off hard.

And my solo music efforts have flatlined. I haven't done a show in almost a year.

I feel bogged down with work that isn't getting me anywhere, and lacking in work that IS getting me somewhere. I think if I could just get one or two of these other projects up and running finally, I'd be in better spirits. But it's taking so long for many of them with no end in sight.

So I've decided that I'm gonna re-record my solo track "Thoughtless", make a videosong for it, and put it on itunes as a solo single. After all, it'll cost me almost nothing to put on itunes, and the sense of accomplishment will hopefully kick my confidence back up to where it needs to be so that I can endure the other projects. I need some sort of personal victory, after all I've been working for SO long on all of these other projects with no reward and it's easy to become unmotivated now.

So that's what I'm gonna do. I'll get started on it in October. I'm gonna do it all myself, spend a day filming and recording it, and get it mixed as I go. The next day, I'll sit here till the videosong is done. Then I'll get it off to be mastered, and go ahead and submit it through either tunecore or CD baby (still unsure).

I've got to do something.

Stress

The new studio has been up and running in Grove City for almost 3 months now. I've had several great rock bands, as well as hip hop artists, and a little bit of R&B come through my door. It's been fun.

But it's also slowing down a bit. So I'm looking into some new opportunities while things are slow, but those are hard to find in Central Ohio. I've decided to shift focus toward business audio for now, while ramping up significantly my marketing efforts by showing more of a presence in the local music scene.

Compounding things is the fact that a well established studio who had been closed for a few years is re-opening in the building literally right behind me. This has me concerned about people's perception of me and my operation, and I'm stressing out over every detail of my products overall quality level. I HAVE to be every bit as good as this guy, who can out-gear me any day of the week. Despite my fervent belief that gear doesn't make records, if you take two engineers who have good ears the client will probably choose the one with the gear.

So I've got to shift my product focus onto me, the engineer, and the value that I alone bring to the table. In order for me to be competitive in this dried up music market (hey, it's not Nashville or LA people), I have to do some PR work and increase the value of working with ME. The recording is the product overall, but what makes people come to me has to be the ME factor.

So I'm trying to improve my product in every way possible. I've been working on a mix that I recorded in the studio back in July as a tester for the new studio. I gave it to this band for free, and am now using the tracks I recorded to pull out all the stops. I've since found weaknesses in my room I've had to adapt to, which I've been able to overcome on a temporary basis. I've also found weaknesses in my workflow that I've been working to overcome thanks to the help of several of my engineer friends around the country.

But all of this has me second guessing the smallest of decisions in my mixes. I feel like I'm hitting a wall psychologically, and will have to climb over that to get back to full confidence.

Couple that with a recent head cold that clogged up my ears, which I'm only today finally recovering from, and you can see why I'm a bit stressed. Each day that goes by that I don't release this spectacular mix to the public, the neighboring studio gets closer to opening. But bouncing mixes off of several engineers while taking ear breaks for head colds takes valuable time. So I'm trying to offset that time by going to shows and networking.

I started going to shows again last weekend. I went to a show hosted by a friend of mine who runs Audiology Sound Studios, a neighboring studio. It was a charity show for his Music Is Life foundation. The line-up of the show consisted of at least one client, Bleeding Ink, as well as a large group of other artists who I was able to network with. Many of these artists I'd never seen live before, and some I'd never even heard of before. It was a great chance to network, but only one won't do it. I need a regular presence in this local scene if people are going to think of me. I need to talk to them about what I do, and I need to act fast. This will probably have to be an every-weekend venture for me. After all, you can't stop hunting, or else you'll starve.

Meanwhile, I'll be setting up a conference call with a business associate in Colorado at Swanpro Studios to go over some ways that I can get into the post audio market. Post audio production is more lucrative with more consistent work, and that is exactly what I need to make my 5 year goal a reality. At this point, I have 4.25 years to go. That's starting to not seem like a long time.

So I've got a long way to go, and a lot of work to do to get there. But now that I'm a family man, and I have two beautiful daughters counting on me, I can't rest on my laurels anymore. I must fight for my career for the sake of my family, and I need to do what it takes to psych myself up and get motivated.

In an odd way, I've turned to survival shows on Netflix as a source of motivation. Seeing people taking every measure necessary JUST to SURVIVE makes me feel blessed to have things as easy as I do, and makes me realize that the only hurdle to what I want in life is myself. It makes me realize that failure isn't so bad, because things could always be a lot worse. Even if I were homeless, it makes me realize that I'd be ok because I could find a way to make it. So that relieves some of my stress, while motivating me to continue forward toward my goals.

But it's not always easy getting over my own self-consciousness to find the motivation on the other side. I'm always worried about disappointing Laura, whom I would give my life for, and feel major guilt that I'm unable to be a better provider at this moment. But seeing her struggle so hard for our family motivates me 10 times more than anything else when I stop and think about it. She's given me everything she can, every part of her. Now it's time for me to take that and use it for the betterment of our whole family.

So to any competition that comes my way, you'd better look out. There's nothing more fearful than a determined underdog.

Update

I've been thinking. Things have turned around for me in a quite profound way. I really don't have anything I can bitch about. I'm in a very happy place, and just feel blessed to have all that I have.

I feel kinda selfish about it though, even though I'm not really doing anything selfish. I guess I feel selfish because I've accepted such charity from those I love. I kinda feel like I'm taking advantage of someone giving me everything they can for my benefit. I don't like looking at it like it's just for my benefit, I would rather think that it's for OUR benefit, and the benefit of our future and family. Of course I speak of Laura and her amazing generosity. But without her, I'd have so little. With her, I have everything I could ever ask for. I have a family, I have children, I have a loving environment to go home to. I have the support emotionally to follow my dreams. I have someone backing my play so I CAN follow my dreams. I would have NOTHING if she were not in my life today.

Literally. I believe I'd be homeless. I would have NOTHING.

Although I like to believe that the things I've received are for the benefit of the collective household, I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that I do benefit. This makes me wonder why I deserve any of this, but I'm so happy now that I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Recently, I opened the studio. I wouldn't have the ability to have opened it at a new standalone location without her. The studio has been open for business since Monday, July 9th. I had my first booking on Wednesday, and have had one or more booking each day since then. Today, I just wrapped up a weekend with a killer band called Die Tryin. Tomorrow, I'll have a day off finally, but I still have things to do at my own leisure at the studio. So things have been booking up here. I'm booked most weekends through the beginning of August!

So I sit here and think about how long I've wanted to be able to take this plunge. I sit here in my control room after having taken the plunge, and I'm extremely proud to be where I am. It's the most wonderful feeling! But I can't take stock of what I have without thinking about why I have it.

Laura. You've given me everything. I will spend my life praising you. Thank you for everything you've given me. I love you from the bottom of my soul.

Thank you.

Colorado Calling

Today is fathers day.

Three years ago today, I was visiting Arches National Park. I remember calling my father to wish him a happy fathers day for the first time, then I called Dad and did the same. (If you haven't caught on, Father birthed me, Dad raised me). Sarah and I then spent the day rolling through Arches National Park in areas that were more difficult to access, and hence away from the choke of the Fathers Day tourists. She drove a 4WD Ford Explorer, so we could go places most couldn't. There were some really cool sights there. I'd love to go back sometime.

Olive caught a tumbleweed there. One of her more adorable moments.

Two years ago today, I was getting ready to work one of my last days at King Soopers in Evergreen as we prepared to embark on what would become my life's greatest transformation. Fearing what she saw as inevitable budget cuts at the Jefco library system, and extremely unhappy at the hands of a tyrannical boss, Sarah went on the job hunt. She landed a job that took us back to Ohio, where we grew up and met 11 years earlier. She decided to take the job, and we began packing up to move away from the land that I had grown to love with every fiber of my soul. I had no idea how much of a pull the Rockies would have on me, and I lied to myself about wanting to move back. I would've done anything for her, and that included uprooting myself every two years to move to a new location (which hindered my ability to find any stabilization in my professional life), but I was happy to do it for her.







One year ago today, everything was completely different. The mountains were gone. Sarah was gone. My sanity was gone. I began lashing out in horrible ways at those I love in ways that I will be ashamed of till the day I die. Every aspect of my life was completely different, and every aspect of my life was utter turmoil. I was struggling for studio clients, and had lost my job due to a mass layoff. I was desperately waiting for unemployment benefits, and worried that I wasn't going to make it. I began dumpster diving for scrap metal to keep food on the table and gas in my tank. I was drinking. When everything in someone's life falls away like dominoes being knocked over, it's a very trying time. This was the great transformation I mentioned above, and I fear that without it I would not be the person I am today. I'm not the person Sarah left. I'm not the person my friends in Colorado knew. I'm not the person Laura reunited with in March of last year. I'm not the person most of the people I associated with a year ago knew then. I'm a completely different individual with a completely new set of goals and priorities. When you're broken down like that and forced to rebuild from the ground up, you're not going to recognize the new structure.

Today, everything is vastly better for me than it was last year when I was going through hell. I'm emotionally stable, and I've quit drinking. I've got studio clients, and I've got a stable roof over my head. 3 months ago, I became engaged to Laura.

Laura agreed to spend the rest of her life with me after everything I've put her through. She's one of the most selfless people I've ever met, and I have infinite amounts of admiration for her strength and spirit. She helped pull me through my struggles last summer even when I tried to force her out of my life because I was confused about everything. I'm forever in her debt for not giving up on me. I'm forever in her debt for helping re-stabilize me. I'm forever in her debt for the hell I've put her through. I've never loved anyone more than I love her. And she's given me two wonderful children, her beautiful twin daughters Celest and Lotus.

Celest

Lotus

To be honest, I'm very happy here. My first custom studio facility is about to open. I'm living in Columbus with my new family, and have been finally emancipated from Marion Ohio! I've fallen in love with my step-daughters, and every time they smile my heart melts. They are beautiful little women, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

After all I've lost, I've been able to regain traction on my life. I've found happiness and a new direction. I've replaced almost everything in my life that I had lost, and couldn't be happier.

But there's something missing.

I still think about Colorado all the time, and I still feel it's call regularly. I still long to see the beautiful panorama I took for granted every time I walked out the door. I still yearn for the cool and light mountain air. I still ache for the views that thrilled my soul every day. Witnessing immensely beautiful landscapes every day for two years that made my soul sing the praises of heaven became like a drug. Now that I'm away from anything that beautiful in nature, my soul hasn't had it's fix and is making me crazy from it's yearning.

When one gets accustomed to immense beauty that causes excitement of the body and mind, they can begin to rely on the jolt of adrenaline they receive when they are in those surroundings. When you take that away, the spirit yearns to be returned every day until the reunion happens. It's almost like weening oneself from a drug that takes a lifetime to exit the system. It won't let me go.

So here I sit, reflecting on everything that I have now, and I am truly happy here. But  these thoughts about the mountains are once again making my happiness a bittersweet engagement.

The only solution I can see is to return, even if only for a momentary visit now and then, so that I can get my fix. I sound like a meth head, but that's how strong this is. It was just validated by a friend I met in Indiana who moved to Colorado Springs in January. She told me she's falling in love with the mountains too, which shows me that it's not just me. It's a deep spiritual calling for me, and I think she's starting to feel it too based on what she said.

Jen, eat it up. See what you can. Life can take you away from it before you're ready. See it all, over and over again, and appreciate it every day. Otherwise, you could become a whining mountain loving emo hippie bastard like me.....lol.

4 Days In

I moved in with Laura and the kids on May 31st. It's now June 4th. The first day I was kinda feeling like a freeloader, but that feeling is starting to subside. I have some downtime on my hands while I'm waiting for the studio to be finished, and I can't work until then, so I'm trying to do my best to be the proverbial housewife. I've been cooking, cleaning, playing with the kids, ect. I'm pretty comfortable here at the moment.

But I know that Laura's got a lot on her plate. The studio move wouldn't be a possibility without her getting a full time job, which she has done. Being an autism mom, it's hard to keep a full time job. But now that I'm in the house, I'm trying to give her a break when I can. I hope I'll still be able to do so when I start scheduling studio clients, but we'll see what happens. I may have to set a certain set of hours and days that I'm available based on when she has to work and when her respite workers are here. We'll see.

Laura's job is in an environment where she cares for the mentally disabled. That's all I'll say here, because there are privacy concerns and that's all she's shared. But she has to play mom to two autistic teens at home, only to play caregiver to adults with similar struggles 40 hours each week. It's literally her entire life now. I admire the hell out of her, and I try to be strong and understanding when she gets stressed.

Being a woman in her position is going to be stressful. I'm in awe of her patience, and try to be the same way with the kids. I try to cut her a break on the housework, which seems to be endless with the girls thanks to autism, and try to give her what she had with me at my house in Marion…..a break.

Now that I live here, she has nowhere to go to get away from the house and decompress. Not that she doesn't love the kids, but you have to have some me time too. So I'm doing what I can to give that to her. After helping with the girls all afternoon and taking them grocery shopping with her, I could see that she was getting frustrated. She normally sleeps in the main room in case one of the girls wakes up in the night and decides to become active. The girls need 24-7 supervision, so Laura sleeps where she'll wake up if they get up. While I was moving my stuff in, I came in at 6:30 am with a load of stuff from Marion to find that Lotus had been awake since 1am and so had Laura. She had to work, and was exhausted, so I helped her get the girls ready for school and then helped Laura to bed for the few hours of sleep she'd get that morning.

Last night, I decided to take the couch because it was clear that Laura needed a chance to get a good night's sleep. I decided that not only would I let her sleep in the bed undisturbed, but that I'd stay up most of the night catching up on housework. I finally passed out at around 5am, but woke up at 7:30 because the girls were up and at em. School is out now, and Blaine doesn't show up till 3:00 pm. Laura had some errands to run. So I stayed up. I crashed for a few hours when Blaine got here to watch the girls.

I realize this may seem like I think I'm being this big amazing person by doing these big amazing things and that I want big amazing credit for helping this poor defenseless woman through an ordeal. That couldn't be further from the truth. I'm merely recounting what I'm doing to help the woman and family that I love. I don't want any special recognition. I'm just doing what I feel should be done for my future wife and kids.

But the alone time with the girls is giving me the chance to bond with them. I'm learning a lot of things about them that weren't so evident when I first met them. I've grown to love them, and to care about their well being. I've learned to take the challenges Autism can bring in stride, because someone has to do it.

I still want to get the studio up and running as soon as is reasonably possible. But I am enjoying the downtime with the girls. I'm no longer feeling like a freeloader, but rather like I belong here.

Frailty

Everything a person has can be forever altered by the actions of another. I've learned that lesson in spades over the last 24 months. It's led me to appreciate what I have, because nothing is finite. Everything is frail. All it takes is a small misstep, and it all can come crumbling away.

I don't want to go through that again. I lost everything I had and everything I was in early 2011. I went rather crazy with it, and treated the woman I now want to make my wife like a disposable piece of trash. I wounded her deeply, and played games with her. I try very hard to make amends, but I do not deserve her. I never will after what I've done to her.

But I am no longer in my dark insanity. I treat her like the beautiful loving woman she is, and I treat her how I truly feel she deserves to be treated. I try to remind her often that I love her more than life itself, and that those days have been behind me for some time. But I was afraid that with the move stirring up ghosts of my own pain from last year, that it might also stir them up in her.

I'm happy to be moving in with her. I want to make her my wife, and I want to be a father to her kids. But I know it's all in her hands. I know I only have what I have today because of her. I'd still be in Marion without her. I wouldn't have a family of my own without her. I wouldn't be able to move to a new studio without her. I wouldn't have a best friend without her. I wouldn't be happy without her. I wouldn't be able to live without her.

But all that I have is in her hands. I need to never forget that fact. I was happy in my previous long term relationship, but she wasn't. I was selfish, and she took it all away. I was selfish and a major dickhead to Laura last year, and will never ever ever deserve to be with her. But she says she wants to marry me, and I'm thrilled by that to no end! Yet, there is this thought in the back of my head that says "you may have her, but you scarred her! You'll never be good enough for her!" And that voice is speaking the truth. I'll never deserve her. I always need to remember that at an moment what I have with her could come crashing down. My life is in her hands.

So while she suffers with the pain and anger of my past mistakes, I'll suffer with the endless regret and anger and pain of my past mistakes. I'll suffer knowing that I made it this way. I'll suffer knowing that I deserve nothing less. But I'll honor her until the day that I die.

Despite everything I've put you through, I'll always love you Laura. I get sick when I think about you hurting, knowing that I caused it. I feel selfish expecting you to love me back. But I need you to know that you mean everything to me.

Everything.

Past

The things I did last year keep coming up to bite me in the ass. I fully deserve it, but still wish it would just bury itself and let me be happy. It would seem that this isn't going to happen anytime soon. I still wouldn't trade what I have for anything in the world, I am however cursed with the knowledge that I've tainted what I have, possibly forever.

Penance is a bitch.

It's like I just want to take the person I was and pistol whip him. I want to take so many things back.

My lack of interest in modern rock music of late....

I started playing guitar when I was 10. Back then, my hero was Allen Jackson, and the first song that I learned to play that was on the radio was "Don't Rock The Jukebox". That was 1991, which was a pivotal year for music both nationally and for me personally. I was listening to Boys To Men, MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, and country. I wanted to be a country star! LOL!

Then something exciting happened. I was watching MTV, which I wasn't allowed to do (I had to sneak to watch it). The video for Nirvana's "In Bloom" came on.

I'd like to say it was an instant realization of how horrible what I was listening to was, and that I'd in one instant found a new musical direction in life. I can't honestly say that. I liked it from the start though, but I still listened to the pop and country. The Nirvana song did stick with me though, and aided in my conversion. The next one that I saw that really stuck with me and pushed me over the edge was Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters".

This one was a near instant hit with me. The beauty, the melody, the slow crescendo into all out fury…..

I started consuming more Metallica and Nirvana, and ditching the pop music and country music I'd listened to up to that point. Before long, it was grunge and metal all day with nearly nothing else even getting consideration.

The first album I ever bought was Billy Ray Cyrus's "Some Gave All". Then my rock / metal conversion happened and I stumbled upon a cassette copy of "The Black Album". This was the final nail in my country music coffin. Before long, I was collecting Metallica and Nirvana records. I remember driving with my family from Portsmouth Ohio to Philedelphia PA. I spent the trip lying in the back seat of the minivan with headphones on going through the entire Metallica catalog in chronological order to see if I could listen to it all before we arrived in Philly.

It was an exciting time for music. Some of the grunge rock giants were currently releasing music, like Soundgarden and Smashing Pumpkins. Nirvana was doing unplugged on MTV, and I soon would play guitar along to the entire unplugged album start to finish several times each week. I had completely abandoned my country and pop roots.

Around 1999, I started to convert back in minor doses to the pop side. 1999 was another pivotal year for music. We had Rob Thomas and Santana, Rob Zombie released Dragula, and Lauren Hill was singing about "That Thing".

In hindsight, this proved to me that I never really left some of my pop music tastes behind, but I wasn't willing to admit to any of my friends that I liked this song. All of my friends were metal heads, and if I liked pop it meant that I was not a real metal head. So I hid it. Over the next 12 years, I'd continue to suppress pop songs I liked, but I'd listen to them alone. When I'd get discovered, I'd get ridiculed by my friends or my girlfriend.

But back to the turn of the century, I was still a rabid rock music fan and I was still consuming current acts like crazy. Powerman 5000, Korn, Limp Bizkit (till I realized they sucked), were just a few of the acts that I listened to religiously. My love for Metallica was still undying, and my love for Nirvana was still on a religious level even though I no longer consumed them religiously. They were like the first love that will forever hold God-like stature.

But then something started to happen. I kept listening to modern rock radio, and although I liked bands like Breaking Benjamin and Audioslave, I wasn't driven to buy any albums from any of them. This could have been in part because of the ease of accessing music online, so there was no need to buy an album. This was more likely though because I was no longer as completely dedicated to it. The new stuff was good, and I'd still rock out like crazy in the car to some good songs that came on. But I was growing up, and the music was losing it's hold on me. It just wasn't that interesting anymore. Eventually, I lost interest in going to concerts.

As the first decade of the new millennium drew to a close, I had my own mp3 player. This was loaded with my favorite rock tracks, but I increasingly found myself listening to a few hip hop and pop tracks that I had found. These included

Missy Elliot

Mis-teeq

Estelle Ft. Kanye

I found the Estelle song because it was the hold music for a company I was calling one day. I was on hold for 10 minutes, and that song came on there. After that, I googled it and downloaded it. Probably the most interesting music discovery method I've ever encountered.

But still, my knowledge of music was still limited to rock and metal for the most part. Fear of ridicule kept me from really delving in.

Around the time that Sarah left me, I started working with Jovy in my studio. This was the beginning of my musical evolution. I was working with a good hip hop artist consistently, so I started doing some listening homework so that I didn't get it wrong. I started falling in love with the videosongs of pomplamoose as a way of distracting myself from the things that were falling apart left and right around me. I had stopped playing music for the most part for myself about 5 years prior, and decided to pick back up the guitar and be creative again.

I found myself lacking the threat of intimidation for liking a certain song. I found myself free to be honest with myself about what I liked and didn't like. I looked at modern rock and saw Five Finger Death Punch and Bobaflex being played way too often on the local rock station. The old songs I grew up on were still getting spin, but they were 20 years old and no longer held my interest. There was nothing new that was captivating and interesting anymore in modern heavy rock radio. I started listening to alternative hipster rock via iheartradio on KTCL 93.3 in Denver. I started listening for the first time in my life to hip hop and learning about the genre. I found favor in new hip hop….

…..and old hip hop…..

I still find myself listening to tried and true rock music, but it's no longer on the radio. I'm more likely now to discover new stuff via youtube and spottily than I am to go searching for it on The Blitz. The stuff on commercial rock radio just doesn't interest me anymore, and all sounds like a copy of itself. It's like the bird species that vomits on itself to make it unappealing to predators. I don't want any part of it.

But through the internet and the underground I've discovered some of my recent favorite rock and metal pieces.

Dream Theater

Arch Enemy

Eluveitie

So it's not as though I've abandoned rock music and metal music. Rather, the kind of rock and metal that's being pushed by modern rock radio is uninteresting garbage. Hinder? Really?

Thanks to Pandora, I've discovered that quite possibly my absolute favorite genre of music is soft electronic style music with a groove, piano elements, and female vocals. I've really been consuming Tori Amos, Fiona Apple, and Portishead like crazy thanks to Pandora solidifying my love for that sound.

Perhaps the biggest difference, aside from a lack of respect for most of what's on modern rock radio, is that now I'm free enough with myself to explore my musical tastes without fear of ridicule. Laura may laugh at something I like, but she's not gonna judge me for it. I know she hates Lady Gaga, but I like some of her stuff. I know she hates Madonna, but I grew up listening to some of Madonna's stuff in the early 90's. While those acts are far from regular listening material for me, I know she won't judge me for listening to them. So perhaps it's being given the ability to freely explore my musical horizons, coupled with the fact that modern rock radio holds no appeal to me. I no longer even listen to it. When I do, it gets turned off within 3 minutes. I'd much rather listen to a podcast, NPR, or my iPod.

….or maybe I'm just getting old……lol.

Equality

I'm a firm believer that everyone is equal to everyone else. Some are born into more hospitable circumstances than others, and some are born having to fight their way through from birth. But each and every one of us are equal. None of us are better or worse than anyone else.

The differences lie not in what we can't control, but rather what we can. Each of us are given a chance to make decisions that speak about our character. Each of us are given an opportunity to be good or bad to people. Some of us are bad to people at times, but see the error in our ways and return to being good. That doesn't make them a bad person, rather it makes them a person who made bad choices.

When it comes to dealing with my peers in the music industry, I may be starstruck if Bob Rock or Kirk Hammett walked into my studio, but on a deep level I'm well aware that I'm equal to them. They've been far more successful at endeavors that I wanted to undertake, but that's because of a million circumstances and not one specific thing. Strip away the awards and the fame, they are a person just like me who have specific skills like I do.

I used to want to kiss everyones ass and try to schmooze my way into certain doors. This is behind me, and has been for a while. I realize that I like my character better than some that I was schmoozing. But we're still equals as human beings. They may know some people that I don't, but they don't have to be the one who introduces me to those I need to meet. There are a lot more people than that who know those I need to meet to make connections. I'm just as capable of making those connections through a myriad of other routes as any of my peers. What will ultimately separate me from those peers is my ability to do so, rather than my decision to sit on my hands and hope it happens.

We don't all have equal work ethic. We don't all have equal chances. We don't all have equal skills. But we are all equal on the most basic levels. I've told this to managers I've had at jobs in the past, despite the fact that they gave me horrified looks as though I was being insolent. This wasn't the case, as I was merely trying to tell them that if they are unfair to me as their subordinate, I can't respect them as my superior because they will lose the respect I give them by default as my acting superior. If I agree to work in a team environment with someone, I deserve equal respect for the role I play in that team because the person in charge of me is no better than me. If I'm not granted that respect, I'll still do the job, but they'll know they've lost my respect. For me, it's not about being treated as lower than someone, it's about acknowledging my role in a team environment and acting according to that role, while giving and recieving equal respect from those within the team.

This wasn't prompted by anything. Rather it's been something that's been on my mind as I prepare to open the new studio location. I'm considering my role in the Columbus Music Scene, and what it may take to get clients at the new location. The fact is that there's no need for me to kiss anyone's ass. I will be respectful of anyone, but in the end we're all equals.

Friends.

They say that when everything falls apart, you learn who your real friends are. I learned those lessons over the last year, and I've been down some tough roads. As I sit here about to embark on the new chapter of my life, I pack away a house full of memories. I have a feeling this will be a bitter sweet month for me.

Yesterday, I was taking an afternoon walk. It was sunny and very humid. When I returned home, I was drenched in sweat, and I had a flash back to August of 2010. Sarah and I had just moved to the Marion house, and I had just started working at the Whirlpool factory in Marion. We decided to trust Olive out of her crate while we were both at work, and I'd often come home from my morning shift on the line to find Olive super excited to see me. I had to ride a bike home from the factory as I lacked a car at the time, so I was hot and sweaty. The air conditioner felt really good on those days. I'd often come home to find a mess that Olive had left, which led us to decide she needed to be in her crate while we were gone.

As I put the key in the front door yesterday to walk into my house, I honestly expected to see a room full of boxes and a mischievous dog running at me at full speed. I honestly expected to feel the cool chill of the air conditioner, and hear Olive whimpering at me.

I walked in, and there was no air conditioner. I haven't put it in yet this year. There was no mountain of boxes from the move from Colorado. They've been sorted out, divided up, and most of the possessions went with her when she left. There was no joyful greeting from Olive, as Olive moved out too and passed away this year.

I was greeted to a live room where there was once a living room, a drum set that wasn't there before, and a bitchy cat whose attitude level increased exponentially when everyone else and everything else moved out. It struck me then how different everything really is. I've said before that nothing is the same, and that's not an exaggeration in any way.

It makes one reflect on everything. It makes one see clearly in hindsight how the things that went wrong would've been bad if other things hadn't already happened, but since they had it brought everything to a near collapse for me (physically and emotionally).

It makes one wonder how in the hell they got through it. There's no way I would've without friends. There's no way. Period.

So this blog is for them. There are some people I want to thank for being there when I needed it. In my dark times, you put up with my shit and extended a hand to help me.

Jesse, for giving me a place to stay when I had none.
Froe, for being a good friend and a good distraction.
Rachel Villa, for being a good friend and a good distraction.
Caroline King, for giving me an outlet to vent, and helping me refurnish my home.
Dad, for being a source of support when I needed it.
Uncle Rick and Aunt Cheryl, for keeping me afloat in my darkest times, and for helping make my new path possible.
Tracy, for being a place to turn
Josh, for giving me an outlet

There are two more much deserved thank you's, but I'm holding them off for a moment.

The above names prove that the notion of the self made man is bullshit. There's no such thing. Anyone who succeeds in life rely's on a million factors and a million hands that they held along the way. I want to be able to make it in life, and without the people above and the people below, I wouldn't be able to make it after everything that broke down for me. Never take your friends or loved ones for granted.

So I want to thank Sarah. The one who left me with nothing, removing the cornerstone of my life that allowed it to come to a near collapse. Without you doing what you had to do for yourself, I may never have forced myself to fight. I may never have grown up, I may never have been able to learn to depend on myself, and I was reminded that no matter how bad things may get I will ultimately be ok.

Which brings me to the most important person I want to thank.

Laura, my love, you've seen me in my darkest times and stood by me. You've gone through hell and back with me, and our bond is stronger because of it. We've already survived a lot, and I feel we're better for it. I'm sorry for everything, but I am eternally grateful that I didn't lose you to my foolishness caused by my trials. I'm so grateful that you are by my side, for better or worse. I'm so glad that we're fighting for each other. I'm so glad that we're fighting for your daughters. I'm so glad that you've given me a family. I'm so glad that I can spend the rest of my life with someone as amazing as you. There's nothing else I could ever want if I have you in my life, and I owe you till the day I die for being in my life. I love you more than you could ever know. Thank you.

Baring it all.

Now and then, I wonder what people think of the fact that I bare my soul, every bit of it, for the world to read on my blog. I talk about things that some people in my life would prefer not to discuss. It makes them uncomfortable. Well, that's their problem. And if you think that's about you, it could be. It's about many people though, and not one individual.

At any rate, I'm no longer a depressed person like I was when I rekindled this blog to record my thoughts as I dealt with my life coming apart at the seams. I'm actually a pretty happy person. Most of my posts are about happy things. But since I'm not so depressive anymore, I feel weird posting to the blog when I'm not feeling that great. It's almost like I wanna hide that part of me.

But I know what hiding that part of me will lead to. I've done that before. This blog was rekindled as a way of helping me sort out thoughts and feelings. There's plenty of sadness in these posts. Why should I feel ashamed of posting current sadness here? It makes no sense.

It's still kinda weird baring it all to a blog for the world to read. But this is something I feel I need now to keep myself in order.

Besides, if my thoughts ever make you uncomfortable, that's your problem.

Triggers

I'm wondering how much longer I'm going to have to deal with some old wounds. When something happens, it seems to just pile up on top of the other things that have happened, and make me feel like it's all somehow a cumulative result of everything put together. This happened when Olive passed away, and it's happening again. George, my ferret, is either passing away, or has passed away. I couldn't stick around to watch him go, but he was pretty much there when I left him last night.

I've had him for about 7 years, and he was nearing the end of his life. Fortunately, he lived a long happy one, but unfortunately I truly believe he was in pain near the end. That's never a comfortable feeling to know, especially when you can't really afford a vet visit anymore...

...which is one of the many tie in's to everything that's gone wrong over the last two years. I'm still piecing my life together, and am about to leave all the shattered pieces that were leftover behind me once and for all. I'll be moving out of the house Sarah and I moved into in Marion. Olive is gone. George is pretty much there. She took the furniture and most of the possessions we shared, and now I no longer care much for possessions. The friendship we tried to maintain has been eroded away. It's all gone. But even though I no longer sit around and pine for the past and what I've lost (I'm very happy with the direction my life is heading now, and I have not much to complain about anymore. Life is stabilizing finally...), the things that are still there seem to be reminders when something happens. For example, George passing away.....

We got him together. He moved from Columbus to Indiana to Colorado and then to Marion with us. And now it doesn't look like he'll be joining me on the next leg of my life.

I think the thing that's getting to me the most is how appropriate this seems in some ways. It's almost like life is telling me that I'm not going to move forward with anything from my past, and I need to just let it go. The only pet we shared that I still am acquainted with is my bitchy crazy cat Ciela. I'm glad she's still here, she's been a big comfort during some of my desperate lonely times last year.




The other cooky cat we had in the house, Pingu, now lives with Sarah. I never see Pingu anymore. So that piece of my life is gone too.

It just seems like no matter how hard I've tried to piece my life together, and no matter how hard I've tried to just hold on to some things, they've all just been slowly peeling away over the last two years. Everything.

.....and she wonders why I didn't deal with it well.....but I digress.

I wish George had made it out of Marion in good health. I truly hate that town in some ways. I feel sorry for it in others, because I feel that it represents a dream that failed for many people. But I feel like I'm a prisoner there. I'm looking forward to my exit asap. I wish George had been able to exit with me, but I'm glad he's not suffering anymore and I'm glad he's making it out of Marion one way or another.

So here I sit, listening to my favorite Pandora station. It plays soft female fronted music, often with pianos and lots of emotion. This type of music isn't good when you're sad. It's almost like country music to me, only unlike Country I can actually listen to it and respect it. But it keeps me feeling sad during times like this, and times like this just send me back through all the things that I've been through over the last 2 years. What fun, evidently I love to torture myself.

Rest in peace George.

Attitude

So here I sit, waiting for a mix to finish processing, and I'm taking a moment to reflect on myself and my attitude.

Laura's suggested that I'm starting to sound agitated in my interactions to people. She's not the only one who's ever said this to me, I've been told it throughout my life. But now I feel like it's casting a negative impression to my clients, my friends, and my colleagues.

So I'm gonna try to work on my attitude. I guess that means I should stop doing things that put me in an easily agitated state.

I should eat first thing in the morning, rather than wait til 4 in the afternoon when my stomach is ready to kill me.

I should listen to when my head is telling me to quit listening to a mix and take an ear break

I should listen to when my eyes are telling me to quit staring at a computer screen

I should get a decent night's sleep

I have noticed that it's been easier and easier for me to become agitated, and I don't like it. I need to do something to keep it under control, because it's not anyone's fault. I could really hurt some feelings, or even possibly lose a client, so it's really important that I get it under wraps.

Maybe I should take up yoga?

Or maybe I don't bang out my stresses enough on my guitar?

Whatever it is, it's time it stopped.

Fatherhood.

There is a lot I want to accomplish in this life.

I've gone over my 5 year plan on this blog several times. None of that has changed, but I'm feeling a lot more pressure to succeed now that I'm not the only one relying on that success. Now that I've got two beautiful soon-to-be-daughters to worry about, and a soon-to-be-wife whom I couldn't live without if I tried (I know from experience), the pressure is on.

The thing is that Laura and I are very open and honest with each other about how we feel. I keep getting into a deep concerned state of mind, and I'm worried that she'll think I'm getting cold feet. That couldn't be further from the truth, but I don't blame her for having that response. Of course I'm nervous about becoming a father, and about being able to provide. That part is really getting to me right now, and it will until this whole thing sinks in. It still doesn't feel real in some ways that she said yes, and that we'll be planning the rest of our lives together. It'll sink in soon enough and feel real, and at that time I'll realize inside that nothing has really changed. The commitment and desire to be there for her and the kids has been there for a few months now. All that's changed now is that I put a ring on her finger.

Oh man, mentioning the ring on her finger made me think about how beautiful she'll be on our wedding day. Here I go getting all girly, but I really can't wait for that day. I love her.

And it's that fact alone that makes me know that I'm not going to change my mind and back out. The concern I feel is merely the pressure of affirming that I'm accepting fatherhood for the first time in my life, and worrying about what that will involve. It's about worrying that I'll fail. It's about worrying that even if I don't fail, that it won't be enough.

I love her to death. I love my soon-to-be-daughters too. It's times like this I'm glad I can turn to this blog, because it helps me put things into perspective. This fear isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing. I've got to get through it and use it as a motivator. I've got a lot I have to achieve for Laura, Celest, Lotus, and myself.

…..

Wow. I just realized. I'm going to have a family. I knew it, but it was one of those revelations that just truly sunk in. It's like typing this very blog post has helped make it all very real for me, and I'm extremely happy now. Those girls will be my daughters, and that woman will be my wife. They will be my family.

Fear just turned into acceptance and love, at least in this moment. I'm writing my thoughts here unfiltered as they are happening, and I feel pretty amazing right now.

Even if I fail, I want to try. It's time to stop being a boy and become a man. I'm no longer the most important in the equation, and I welcome the challenges ahead of me.

But now I am strengthened. I know that I need to improve myself, and I've got a lot of work to do. It's time to get moving ahead in life.

Life, worries, and why it's worth it.

There's a lot I feel the need to say in this blog. It could be more like a mini-novel. Just a warning.

My last blog indicated that there were big things that happened in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. That's right, and it's good news. On our trip back from Atlanta, we went to see the Smokies. I found a secluded place we could pull off and have to ourselves, which had a lot of stunning mountain views. I then took Laura down to a spot out of sight of the road.

It was there that I proposed. She said yes!



Let's explain what had happened. You see, ever since my cancer scare last October, I began examining my life and what I wanted out of it in a very in depth way. I decided that I couldn't live my life without Laura, and that led me to examine what I wanted out of our relationship. There were a lot of heavy things I had to consider, including her two children with special needs. I mean, if I wanted her in my life forever, would I be able to step in and care for two special needs teenagers when I never wanted to kids to begin with?

I knew after last October's cancer scare what was in my heart. But my head wanted me to be absolutely sure, which is why I started trying to be a presence in the girl's lives. After all, if I were to take that plunge, I'd then be responsible for them. After some soul searching, I realized that I had the desire to make it work out. I began to make efforts to spend some time here and there with the girls to get to know them. Celest now asks to go to my house, despite the fact that it's a 60 mile drive, because she loves my electronic drum set. Lotus seems to enjoy it as well, but not nearly as much as Celest. I've grown to love both of them, and want nothing but the best for them. Part of me wishes that I were in a better financial state at 31 years old, so that I could be better equipped to take care of them. Suffice it to say, I realized that I could lay it all on the line for Lotus and Celest, and that they are a part of the woman that I love.

Once I was absolutely sure, the plan was to take Laura to Colorado in June. We even set a date for the trip. Knowing what I was planning, I started dropping hints to myself in my blog so that I could look back on it fondly and point out to her where I had foreshadowed my proposal ("I'll just say this. It's going to be a trip that won't be forgotten."). I was going to buy a ring and pay for our vacation, all with my tax return, while continuing to dig myself out of the financial hole with my day job pay.

My plan was to get Laura to fall in love with the Rockies by driving her to all the wonderful sights I knew of. These included at least two national parks (Great Sand Dunes NP and Rocky Mountain NP at minimum), a drive through the San Luis Valley that makes my heart sing so much, and a drive up to the summit of Mount Evans. As much as I was feeling a need to be in the mountains again all the way to the bottom of my soul, I felt it only fitting that when I tell Laura how I really felt deep down, that it be in an area that meant something to me. If I were with the woman that I loved in the place that I loved, all would be right with the world for that moment and my proposal would mean more to me. So the plan was to ask her to marry me on the summit of Mount Evans.

But that plan was derailed when I was laid off on February 1st. I no longer knew whether or not I would be able to afford the trip, let alone rent. Not knowing that I'll be able to afford my Colorado trip in June really broke my heart, especially since I was planning something of this magnitude to take place during that trip. But in many ways, I feel that my job loss was a blessing. That, however, is a different blog post.

Laura and I had planned a trip to Atlanta during spring break after I went to Atlanta to visit family last Thanksgiving. I took a trip through the Great Smoky Mountains NP on my way back to Ohio on that trip, and fell in love with that park. Though it wasn't the same as being in Colorado, it was close enough to provide solace to my yearning for a mountainous landscape. When I feel the call, it's only 7 hours away. We planned this trip before I lost my job, but since I realized that I was going to be ok financially thanks to steps I took after my last job loss, we made the trip. I mean, it would cost about 3.5 tanks of gas, and room and board were provided by family. It's a quick, easy, cheap way to get away.

I had tossed around the idea of proposing to Laura on the trip to Atlanta while in the Smokies. After all, I couldn't' guarantee that I could make it to Colorado like I had hoped. How long was I going to wait? The urge to pop the question kept brewing up in me, and I almost asked on several occasions where the moment seemed right. But I held off, cause I'm a bit girly at times and didn't want to let go of my mountain proposal. But I really was fighting with myself deciding whether to compromise for the Smokies, or wait for a trip that may not happen this year.

About two weeks ago, I had an epiphany that made my decision clear. We don't have very long on this earth. It was one of those moments that really makes that fact hit you to the core, even though you already are aware of that fact. Nothing happened to trigger it, rather it was a sudden random realization. We don't have long on this planet, and all the money and material bullshit is just bullshit. The important things in life are who you spend it with and that you grab what you want now instead of waiting. There may not be a tomorrow, so get it now and value it. So that's what I decided to do. I would propose in the Smokies.

Saturday morning in Atlanta, before Laura and I went to Stone Mountain, my aunt is cutting my hair and starts asking me about Laura. She asks if I'm happy, then asks if I'm gonna propose. When I answered yes, this was like the first acknowledgement of this fact to anyone in person. I'd had chats with a friend in Indiana (thanks Kyle) about it, but this was my first vocalization of it to another person. This made it more real, but it didn't change my mind. It was a good acknowledgment to make to myself, and cemented my goal of doing it on that trip.

My aunt freaked out, and started getting really girly. When I told Cheryl that I didn't have a ring to give Laura, she whisked me up to her jewelry collection and started looking for a ring to give me as an heirloom. She then found a sneaky way of getting Laura's ring size, which luckily was really close to her own size. So Cheryl found a ring, cleaned it, and put it in a box. I hid it in my laundry, then my aunt and uncle prayed for a long healthy marriage.

When Laura and I took off for Stone Mountain, Cheryl made reservations at a nice, albeit expensive, Italian restaurant. She insisted that they break their rule of not reserving specific tables because she wanted to get us this nice corner table with a view. I think it was named ""Tuscany", and was only a few miles from their home in Woodstock Georgia. Cheryl was hoping I'd propose at the restaurant in front of her, which was out of the question because I wanted it to be a more personal intimate proposal, but this is why Cheryl went through all the trouble to get the perfect table and make a nice evening for us. I appreciate it, and it was a great gesture, it just wasn't how I wanted to do it.

That night, I couldn't sleep. Something Rick had said while praying for our union stuck in my head, and made me briefly re-examine. He prayed that I'd have the strength to be a father to her children. This brought up my fear of not being able to provide for them, and made me question whether it was the right time. But as I lie there next to her, I'd look at her and those fears were put to rest. I would find a way to make it work…..because it's worth it.

So after only 5 hours of sleep, I wake up at 5 am and start packing to leave for the Smokies. By 6:30, we were in the car and on our way. By almost 10 am, we were in the park. This was a big deal to me on another level because this was Laura's first trip to a national park. I wanted it to really impress. We entered on the North Carolina side near Cherokee. Not far into the park, we found a visitor center with memorabilia and park rangers. I bought a couple of shirts for Laura's kids, then bought a magnet from the park to commemorate the trip. I had a collection of magnets from parks that I'd visited previously in my last relationship, but she took them when she moved out. Laura and I decided to start our own collection to commemorate our travels to the parks. So we bought our first national park magnet, which is now on my fridge.



While in the park, we also bought National Park Passports that we can have stamped as we "collect" our parks together. They are kept in my car, and have a date stamp for the date we went to our first park together.

We found out that due to the unusually warm winter, they opened the lookout on Clingman's dome early for the season. That very day was the first day it was open for the season, though it normally is closed till April 1st. So we embarked on our trip up the park road. As we started climbing through the switchbacks looking at mountain vistas and feeling in awe of the landscapes that surrounded me, I could feel that it was right. I was gonna do it, and nothing was gonna stop me. So I found a pull off with an amazing panorama. Fortunately it was early in the day so there weren't many tourists on the park service road, and the pull off I found was empty other than our car.

I remembered this spot specifically because this was the only place in the park I could get reception on my phone. I called Laura from this spot on my last trip through the park last November to tell her how much i wished she were there because it was so amazingly beautiful. I actually thought to myself last November that this spot would make a great place for the proposal if Colorado doesn't work out for some reason.

And 4 months later, I have Laura in that spot. I take her by the hand, and lead her down a little path into the foliage. We were alone, even if someone pulled into the parking lot above. It was here that I let it out.

I had rehearsed this about 50 times in my head, but when it came down to THE moment, my brain stopped wanting to work. So I stuck with the cliffnotes. lol.

When I told her how I felt, and that I couldn't imagine anything in my life being the same without her in it, I then asked her to marry me. This clearly caught her off guard, cause she seemed stunned, but after a half second pause (which seemed like an eternity to me…..), she said yes.

The rest of the trip in the park seemed to be that much more awesome because of this amazing connection that had been made. I do feel like we connected on such a deeper level because of it, and that feeling persists now. I can feel it now very strongly despite our 60 mile distance from each other at this moment. We drove through the rest of the park seeing the sights with a visible glow about us.



I feel that this has brought us closer in a lot of ways. I couldn't be happier that she said yes. Having done it, I'm glad I didn't wait for what my head told me was the right moment (i.e. Colorado), because it's not about knowing what you want and waiting for it to happen. It's about knowing what you want and going for it when you want it. I wanted my engagement ring on her finger, and I didn't want to wait any longer to ask if I could put it there.

And although I'm extremely happy about the fact that it's happened, late at night I sit up anxiously worrying about getting my shit in order. I mean, I now will have to be a provider not just for myself, but for 3 other people. I'm not going to back out of this, that's not what my anxiousness is about. I am however terrified. I'm 31, I don't have anything to offer except a wing and a prayer, and I'm taking on responsibility for other human beings who will be completely dependent on me and Laura.

In other words, if I fail now, I'm not the only one who goes under. Things were easier in my previous relationship, because not as much was on the line and I hadn't matured enough yet to really give a damn about money and our future. This is one thing I feel tore that relationship apart. What if I can't get my shit together now? Much more is on the line now.

I came back to Ohio with an extreme can-do attitude. But when I woke up the next morning I started feeling the first real waves of fear. But I imagine most new fathers feel this fear when they find out they will be responsible for another person. I'm just feeling it for the first time at 31, and they aren't even my kids. That doesn't mean I won't do everything I can for them as though they were my kids, but feeling that fear of the "what if" makes me feel kinda numb and disconnected when I'm by myself.

I'm trying to keep my feelings and emotions in check so that nothing builds up inside, so before going to bed I explored myself and found this wall of fear. Laura and I have talked about this already, and I didn't wanna wake her up with it, so I turned to the blog. But what started as a quick explanation of the fear I was feeling has taken me 90 minutes to write.

I do feel better after writing it, and I do look forward to many happy and healthy years ahead with my future wife. She's such an amazing woman, and she gives me strength to make myself a better person. But I know that if I never amount to anything, she'll still love me just the same. It's a wonderful feeling to know that to the very core of yourself. I couldn't ask for a better best friend and companion to share my life with. I look forward to many travels and life experiences, and I look forward to the good times and the bad. I want it all, as long as she's with me for it all.



I love you Laura.

Someone.

Someone to make me feel special.
Someone to make me feel needed.
Someone to make me feel that I can accomplish anything, and makes me want to do exactly that.
Someone for me to share the world with.
Someone for me to spend my life with.
Someone to make sure that I'm never really alone.
Someone who will leave me alone when they know I need it.
Someone who I never want to leave me alone.
Someone with whom I feel an intense internal connection.
Someone who, for the first time in my life, truly gets me.
Someone who I'm not afraid to show who I truly am deep down.
Someone who makes me want to be a better person, not just for my own sake, but for theirs as well.

That's what you mean to me.

I love you Laura.

Keeping positive.

I've decided that enough is enough. I know that I'm depressed, even though I've not been officially diagnosed. But I'm aware that I am. What else could explain this year long battle?

So I'm done with it. I've got a lot of things to keep positive about. While I don't think that just trying to keep focused on the positive will make all the difference in the world, it s something I need to remind myself of on a constant basis if I'm gonna get through this. I've actually got a lot going for me, and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I've got a record label, two musical projects, studio clients, school, a new control room at the studio……



I've got a roof over my head, and that doesn't appear to be ready to change anytime soon. I've got time to do my own thing for a while. My bills are paid, my cupboards are full, I have studio work coming in, and I have friends.

Most importantly is the most beautiful and wonderful woman I've ever met. Laura keeps me stable when she's with me, and I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. I'm blessed in that I was able to find love again. I feel like the luckiest man alive when I'm with her.



And I'm also blessed that I had such a long run in my previous relationship. Things may have ended on a sour note, and odds are this won't be the end of my ill feelings toward things, but I did have 12 years during which I was happy and saw many wonderful things. Thank you Sarah for that.

I just need to keep positive as much as I can. Now that I realize it's likely clinical depression that's causing me so much anguish, I need to try to do what I can to work past it. Admitting it is part of that. I don't know what else it will take other than time, but I'm working to get through this. I'm not just doing it for my sake, but I'm doing it for the sake of everyone who knows me. From the readers of this blog to the people I talk about in the blog, all of you are seeing the negative side of this play out like a slow motion car wrek.

So let's just hope I can keep a positive focus and keep my head in the game. It's been hard at times, and has been physically crippling on occasion. But I need to get through this for my own good.

Wish me luck.