Frailty

Everything a person has can be forever altered by the actions of another. I've learned that lesson in spades over the last 24 months. It's led me to appreciate what I have, because nothing is finite. Everything is frail. All it takes is a small misstep, and it all can come crumbling away.

I don't want to go through that again. I lost everything I had and everything I was in early 2011. I went rather crazy with it, and treated the woman I now want to make my wife like a disposable piece of trash. I wounded her deeply, and played games with her. I try very hard to make amends, but I do not deserve her. I never will after what I've done to her.

But I am no longer in my dark insanity. I treat her like the beautiful loving woman she is, and I treat her how I truly feel she deserves to be treated. I try to remind her often that I love her more than life itself, and that those days have been behind me for some time. But I was afraid that with the move stirring up ghosts of my own pain from last year, that it might also stir them up in her.

I'm happy to be moving in with her. I want to make her my wife, and I want to be a father to her kids. But I know it's all in her hands. I know I only have what I have today because of her. I'd still be in Marion without her. I wouldn't have a family of my own without her. I wouldn't be able to move to a new studio without her. I wouldn't have a best friend without her. I wouldn't be happy without her. I wouldn't be able to live without her.

But all that I have is in her hands. I need to never forget that fact. I was happy in my previous long term relationship, but she wasn't. I was selfish, and she took it all away. I was selfish and a major dickhead to Laura last year, and will never ever ever deserve to be with her. But she says she wants to marry me, and I'm thrilled by that to no end! Yet, there is this thought in the back of my head that says "you may have her, but you scarred her! You'll never be good enough for her!" And that voice is speaking the truth. I'll never deserve her. I always need to remember that at an moment what I have with her could come crashing down. My life is in her hands.

So while she suffers with the pain and anger of my past mistakes, I'll suffer with the endless regret and anger and pain of my past mistakes. I'll suffer knowing that I made it this way. I'll suffer knowing that I deserve nothing less. But I'll honor her until the day that I die.

Despite everything I've put you through, I'll always love you Laura. I get sick when I think about you hurting, knowing that I caused it. I feel selfish expecting you to love me back. But I need you to know that you mean everything to me.

Everything.

Triggers

I'm wondering how much longer I'm going to have to deal with some old wounds. When something happens, it seems to just pile up on top of the other things that have happened, and make me feel like it's all somehow a cumulative result of everything put together. This happened when Olive passed away, and it's happening again. George, my ferret, is either passing away, or has passed away. I couldn't stick around to watch him go, but he was pretty much there when I left him last night.

I've had him for about 7 years, and he was nearing the end of his life. Fortunately, he lived a long happy one, but unfortunately I truly believe he was in pain near the end. That's never a comfortable feeling to know, especially when you can't really afford a vet visit anymore...

...which is one of the many tie in's to everything that's gone wrong over the last two years. I'm still piecing my life together, and am about to leave all the shattered pieces that were leftover behind me once and for all. I'll be moving out of the house Sarah and I moved into in Marion. Olive is gone. George is pretty much there. She took the furniture and most of the possessions we shared, and now I no longer care much for possessions. The friendship we tried to maintain has been eroded away. It's all gone. But even though I no longer sit around and pine for the past and what I've lost (I'm very happy with the direction my life is heading now, and I have not much to complain about anymore. Life is stabilizing finally...), the things that are still there seem to be reminders when something happens. For example, George passing away.....

We got him together. He moved from Columbus to Indiana to Colorado and then to Marion with us. And now it doesn't look like he'll be joining me on the next leg of my life.

I think the thing that's getting to me the most is how appropriate this seems in some ways. It's almost like life is telling me that I'm not going to move forward with anything from my past, and I need to just let it go. The only pet we shared that I still am acquainted with is my bitchy crazy cat Ciela. I'm glad she's still here, she's been a big comfort during some of my desperate lonely times last year.




The other cooky cat we had in the house, Pingu, now lives with Sarah. I never see Pingu anymore. So that piece of my life is gone too.

It just seems like no matter how hard I've tried to piece my life together, and no matter how hard I've tried to just hold on to some things, they've all just been slowly peeling away over the last two years. Everything.

.....and she wonders why I didn't deal with it well.....but I digress.

I wish George had made it out of Marion in good health. I truly hate that town in some ways. I feel sorry for it in others, because I feel that it represents a dream that failed for many people. But I feel like I'm a prisoner there. I'm looking forward to my exit asap. I wish George had been able to exit with me, but I'm glad he's not suffering anymore and I'm glad he's making it out of Marion one way or another.

So here I sit, listening to my favorite Pandora station. It plays soft female fronted music, often with pianos and lots of emotion. This type of music isn't good when you're sad. It's almost like country music to me, only unlike Country I can actually listen to it and respect it. But it keeps me feeling sad during times like this, and times like this just send me back through all the things that I've been through over the last 2 years. What fun, evidently I love to torture myself.

Rest in peace George.

Keeping positive.

I've decided that enough is enough. I know that I'm depressed, even though I've not been officially diagnosed. But I'm aware that I am. What else could explain this year long battle?

So I'm done with it. I've got a lot of things to keep positive about. While I don't think that just trying to keep focused on the positive will make all the difference in the world, it s something I need to remind myself of on a constant basis if I'm gonna get through this. I've actually got a lot going for me, and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I've got a record label, two musical projects, studio clients, school, a new control room at the studio……



I've got a roof over my head, and that doesn't appear to be ready to change anytime soon. I've got time to do my own thing for a while. My bills are paid, my cupboards are full, I have studio work coming in, and I have friends.

Most importantly is the most beautiful and wonderful woman I've ever met. Laura keeps me stable when she's with me, and I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. I'm blessed in that I was able to find love again. I feel like the luckiest man alive when I'm with her.



And I'm also blessed that I had such a long run in my previous relationship. Things may have ended on a sour note, and odds are this won't be the end of my ill feelings toward things, but I did have 12 years during which I was happy and saw many wonderful things. Thank you Sarah for that.

I just need to keep positive as much as I can. Now that I realize it's likely clinical depression that's causing me so much anguish, I need to try to do what I can to work past it. Admitting it is part of that. I don't know what else it will take other than time, but I'm working to get through this. I'm not just doing it for my sake, but I'm doing it for the sake of everyone who knows me. From the readers of this blog to the people I talk about in the blog, all of you are seeing the negative side of this play out like a slow motion car wrek.

So let's just hope I can keep a positive focus and keep my head in the game. It's been hard at times, and has been physically crippling on occasion. But I need to get through this for my own good.

Wish me luck.

Too long. By a longshot.

If someone had told me how damaging everything that happened to me this time last year would've been to me, I'd have run for cover. But the fact is that it's been well over a year since the meltdown began, and I'm still struggling with a lot of anger. This leads me to a conclusion.

I'm fucked up and need to see someone.

I think that my self diagnosis of depression isn't likely that far off base. Evidently, my incessant rants about the past to this blog is causing some problems in other circles, and I'm also generally sick and tired of bitching about the same damned things over and over and over and over and over and over…..

But what is a person to do? No day job, hence no income to seek help. I don't know what my options may be, but quite frankly it's been way too long. Way too long by a longshot. I need this to end.