Friends.

They say that when everything falls apart, you learn who your real friends are. I learned those lessons over the last year, and I've been down some tough roads. As I sit here about to embark on the new chapter of my life, I pack away a house full of memories. I have a feeling this will be a bitter sweet month for me.

Yesterday, I was taking an afternoon walk. It was sunny and very humid. When I returned home, I was drenched in sweat, and I had a flash back to August of 2010. Sarah and I had just moved to the Marion house, and I had just started working at the Whirlpool factory in Marion. We decided to trust Olive out of her crate while we were both at work, and I'd often come home from my morning shift on the line to find Olive super excited to see me. I had to ride a bike home from the factory as I lacked a car at the time, so I was hot and sweaty. The air conditioner felt really good on those days. I'd often come home to find a mess that Olive had left, which led us to decide she needed to be in her crate while we were gone.

As I put the key in the front door yesterday to walk into my house, I honestly expected to see a room full of boxes and a mischievous dog running at me at full speed. I honestly expected to feel the cool chill of the air conditioner, and hear Olive whimpering at me.

I walked in, and there was no air conditioner. I haven't put it in yet this year. There was no mountain of boxes from the move from Colorado. They've been sorted out, divided up, and most of the possessions went with her when she left. There was no joyful greeting from Olive, as Olive moved out too and passed away this year.

I was greeted to a live room where there was once a living room, a drum set that wasn't there before, and a bitchy cat whose attitude level increased exponentially when everyone else and everything else moved out. It struck me then how different everything really is. I've said before that nothing is the same, and that's not an exaggeration in any way.

It makes one reflect on everything. It makes one see clearly in hindsight how the things that went wrong would've been bad if other things hadn't already happened, but since they had it brought everything to a near collapse for me (physically and emotionally).

It makes one wonder how in the hell they got through it. There's no way I would've without friends. There's no way. Period.

So this blog is for them. There are some people I want to thank for being there when I needed it. In my dark times, you put up with my shit and extended a hand to help me.

Jesse, for giving me a place to stay when I had none.
Froe, for being a good friend and a good distraction.
Rachel Villa, for being a good friend and a good distraction.
Caroline King, for giving me an outlet to vent, and helping me refurnish my home.
Dad, for being a source of support when I needed it.
Uncle Rick and Aunt Cheryl, for keeping me afloat in my darkest times, and for helping make my new path possible.
Tracy, for being a place to turn
Josh, for giving me an outlet

There are two more much deserved thank you's, but I'm holding them off for a moment.

The above names prove that the notion of the self made man is bullshit. There's no such thing. Anyone who succeeds in life rely's on a million factors and a million hands that they held along the way. I want to be able to make it in life, and without the people above and the people below, I wouldn't be able to make it after everything that broke down for me. Never take your friends or loved ones for granted.

So I want to thank Sarah. The one who left me with nothing, removing the cornerstone of my life that allowed it to come to a near collapse. Without you doing what you had to do for yourself, I may never have forced myself to fight. I may never have grown up, I may never have been able to learn to depend on myself, and I was reminded that no matter how bad things may get I will ultimately be ok.

Which brings me to the most important person I want to thank.

Laura, my love, you've seen me in my darkest times and stood by me. You've gone through hell and back with me, and our bond is stronger because of it. We've already survived a lot, and I feel we're better for it. I'm sorry for everything, but I am eternally grateful that I didn't lose you to my foolishness caused by my trials. I'm so grateful that you are by my side, for better or worse. I'm so glad that we're fighting for each other. I'm so glad that we're fighting for your daughters. I'm so glad that you've given me a family. I'm so glad that I can spend the rest of my life with someone as amazing as you. There's nothing else I could ever want if I have you in my life, and I owe you till the day I die for being in my life. I love you more than you could ever know. Thank you.

Triggers

I'm wondering how much longer I'm going to have to deal with some old wounds. When something happens, it seems to just pile up on top of the other things that have happened, and make me feel like it's all somehow a cumulative result of everything put together. This happened when Olive passed away, and it's happening again. George, my ferret, is either passing away, or has passed away. I couldn't stick around to watch him go, but he was pretty much there when I left him last night.

I've had him for about 7 years, and he was nearing the end of his life. Fortunately, he lived a long happy one, but unfortunately I truly believe he was in pain near the end. That's never a comfortable feeling to know, especially when you can't really afford a vet visit anymore...

...which is one of the many tie in's to everything that's gone wrong over the last two years. I'm still piecing my life together, and am about to leave all the shattered pieces that were leftover behind me once and for all. I'll be moving out of the house Sarah and I moved into in Marion. Olive is gone. George is pretty much there. She took the furniture and most of the possessions we shared, and now I no longer care much for possessions. The friendship we tried to maintain has been eroded away. It's all gone. But even though I no longer sit around and pine for the past and what I've lost (I'm very happy with the direction my life is heading now, and I have not much to complain about anymore. Life is stabilizing finally...), the things that are still there seem to be reminders when something happens. For example, George passing away.....

We got him together. He moved from Columbus to Indiana to Colorado and then to Marion with us. And now it doesn't look like he'll be joining me on the next leg of my life.

I think the thing that's getting to me the most is how appropriate this seems in some ways. It's almost like life is telling me that I'm not going to move forward with anything from my past, and I need to just let it go. The only pet we shared that I still am acquainted with is my bitchy crazy cat Ciela. I'm glad she's still here, she's been a big comfort during some of my desperate lonely times last year.




The other cooky cat we had in the house, Pingu, now lives with Sarah. I never see Pingu anymore. So that piece of my life is gone too.

It just seems like no matter how hard I've tried to piece my life together, and no matter how hard I've tried to just hold on to some things, they've all just been slowly peeling away over the last two years. Everything.

.....and she wonders why I didn't deal with it well.....but I digress.

I wish George had made it out of Marion in good health. I truly hate that town in some ways. I feel sorry for it in others, because I feel that it represents a dream that failed for many people. But I feel like I'm a prisoner there. I'm looking forward to my exit asap. I wish George had been able to exit with me, but I'm glad he's not suffering anymore and I'm glad he's making it out of Marion one way or another.

So here I sit, listening to my favorite Pandora station. It plays soft female fronted music, often with pianos and lots of emotion. This type of music isn't good when you're sad. It's almost like country music to me, only unlike Country I can actually listen to it and respect it. But it keeps me feeling sad during times like this, and times like this just send me back through all the things that I've been through over the last 2 years. What fun, evidently I love to torture myself.

Rest in peace George.

Rejuvinating effect.....

I can't explain it, but if you've ever been in love with a landscape, you'll understand it.

I had switched my computer's wallpaper to a picture of Olive as a puppy after hearing of her passing Saturday. Then, every time that I'd go back to my desktop it was like a punch in the chest.

I just decided that I needed to change it to something more uplifting. I chose a picture taken on the shores of Jackson Lake of The Tetons.



Just seeing this photo, and other photos of the mountains I've taken, instantly put my soul at ease. It almost has a rejuvenating effect just seeing them and knowing that I was there.

So now I reconsider the importance of making this Colorado trip in June happen. I'm not much of a spiritual person. It's not that I don't believe, I'm agnostic. But what I do believe in is the healing powers of nature on the soul, and now I'm feeling the urge to make this trip happen come hell or high water.

This might just be a pipe dream, but after falling in love with a landscape of such indescribable beauty, when that gets taken from you it's easy to obsess. I'm not moping and feeling sad, much like I was 6 months ago, but rather I'm feeling happy knowing that it's there and that I can go back there. Now I'm feeling that calling in my soul. I need it back, even if for a fleeting moment this summer.

More importantly in the immediate is the fact that just seeing these images reminds me of my goal. Now I'm reminded that beyond all the bullshit, I have a goal for my life. Now my resolve is strengthened, and right now I just wanna fight tooth and nail to get it back.

Marion…..

I'm wondering if my life is ever going to go the way I need it too as long as I'm living in Marion.

This town is the poorest city in the state, and I kinda feel cheated into living here and like I was stranded here.

I stay now because my rent is cheap, my space is large, and it gives me a place to set up shop for Skyline Sound Studios. Now that I'm technically unemployed, having a large place to park the studio on the cheap, and also rest my head, is a valuable asset. But here's the problem.

I'm 50 miles north of my target market for the studio, which is the Greater Columbus Metropolitan Area. People in Columbus act like driving from Groveport to Dublin is some monumental trek that you must be insane to wanna make. Needless to say, getting people interested in coming to Marion from Columbus has been a challenge.

I've lucked out on a few occasions. There have been artists willing to make the drive. But on the whole, I hear people ask where I'm located, then act appalled and say they are going to the facility that costs twice as much as I do instead. Do they not realize that the gas money they are spending to get to Marion would be far less than doubling their studio bill?

The obvious answer would be to cater to the Marion area. There are bands here, and a couple of competing studios. But the problem for me is the fact that I was raised in a small town very similar to Marion, and I'm terrified of this town. Let me elaborate.

To say that Marion is economically depressed is an understatement. It was declared last year as the poorest city in the state of Ohio. This causes unemployment to increase, which means that in order for me to cater to the Marion bands, I'm going to have to lower my prices to match this market. That will do nothing to get me out of Marion.

The other issue is the fact that economically depressed areas, such as this, typically have high use of hardcore drugs. In Scioto County, it's hillbilly heroin (a.k.a. Oxycontin). I was raised there, and saw some horrific things. If I lived in Scioto County, I'd put my studio gear in storage 3 counties away and tell no one I was a recording engineer for fear of a home invasion by a crack head looking for things to sell so they could get their fix.

Apparently, Marion's big problem is black tar heroin. So you take an economically depressed area with a well known substance abuse problem, and you have a recipe for a robbery. In fact, my car was broken into last spring, and I lost about $120 that I foolishly left in the car. This was right after Sarah moved out, and rent was very difficult to make that month as a result of the robbery. Now my neighbors bitch that I park on the street instead of in my lengthy dark driveway, but on the street under the street light, my car is in full view of my next door neighbors security camera. My asshole neighbor across the street can go fuck himself with something hard and sandpapery.

So not only was I stranded an hour from my target market, but now that I have a limited income (relying on unemployment), it's hard to justify making trips to Columbus to look for clients. And even if I find them, they may scoff at the idea of driving an hour north to work with me, or I'll hear "my friend has an 8 track. We'll just use that". I'm too scared of being robbed to look for clients in Marion. So the solution is to get the hell out of Marion. This would also increase my day job prospects exponentially.

I was still holding on to hope that I could make my Colorado stress relief vacation this summer happen. It may have to be shelved, and me remain angry, for another year, because I can't continue living up here. I mean, I can, but if my unemployment runs dry and I have no studio business or label income, I doubt I could handle working with those sexist racists on the assembly line at Whirlpool again. My stress level was already to the point of causing me physical ills before I got laid off two weeks ago. With news of Olive's tragic accident, I'm still just as stressed. There's no way I could bring myself to take that road again unless there were no other option……..which is often the case in a town like Marion.

It seems like as long as I live here, it's infinitely more difficult to move foreword.

The shitty thing is that in order to make this move and better my situation, I may have to hold off on some other financial commitments, which makes me hesitate yet again. These would be joint bills to my ex. Part of me wants to scream that she put me through hell, and that despite the fact that I showed her it would be easier to pay off certain bills if she were to stay even 6 more months, she moved anyway and made everything harder for both of us. I offered her a compromise, and she left regardless, which I get on some levels. She had to do what she needed to do to better herself, and in order to do that, she had to tighten the financial strings on both of us. Well, she won't be happy if it comes to that (notice I said "if"), but it may come down to me needing to tighten my financial strings in order to get ahead, and resume payments on those debts when I'm again able. I'm not sure if this will be necessary yet, we'll see. But if it's needed, it's needed. That's not a call to action, just a realistic analysis of what may be needed. We'll see if I can avoid that, because obviously I wanna keep my commitments. But I can't let my commitments drive me into the ground either.

So we'll see. It's clear that I need to get out of this town to better myself and my prospects. A week ago I'd have been heartbroken over losing my Colorado trip, but now after facing Olive's passing, I'm just focused on rebuilding my life as quickly as humanly possible. If I live to see my 5 year goal, barring unforeseen circumstances, the Rockies will still be there.

So now let's figure out how to make it happen.

More being numb.

I've been a total asshole to people on Facebook all day, and I know that I'm not normally like that. I hope I haven't made any enemies. I've been on the verge of a lot of anger about life in general, but mostly about Olive's passing.

Last night was rough cause I couldn't sleep. Tonight's shaping up the same way, cause it's 3:15am and I'm blogging.

I got some new information about how Olive died though, and although it came at a bad time (while I was pushing a homework deadline, which killed my ability to concentrate on the assignment), it was good to know for my own closure. It helped me understand what happened.

Apparently Sarah moved onto a very busy corner in Clintonville, and doesn't have a fenced in yard. One of her room mates let Olive out unattended, and olive wondered into the road. She was struck in the head, by a blue car according to the blue flecks in her ear, wandered back into the yard, and died.

I'm angry that the son of a bitch that hit her didn't stop to check on her well being. I'm angry that Olive was allowed out of the house unsupervised. I'm angry that my little girl is gone. I realized today that the last time Olive was at my house was in July, and that I only saw her once or twice after that, and that also makes me angry. But I'm at this point more sad than angry. I can only be angry for so long. Olive's gone, it's time to let go.

Now I'm sad, but my day of non-functioning due to immense pain (physical and emotional) is coming to an end. Life has to continue tomorrow. I'll miss her.

I love you Olive.

Robbed

I feel kinda robbed. I know this is no one's fault, but Olive's now gone. I feel robbed because I didn't have her much over the last year, and I kinda feel like I was cheated out of being in her life. I feel robbed because it's kinda symbolic of everything I lost last year still deteriorating. Again, it's no one's fault, and the practical side of me knows and acknowledges this. But I still feel what I feel.

I feel angry at the person who let Olive out of the house without watching her, considering that it's not a fenced in yard at the corner of a VERY busy intersect in Columbus. But it is what it is She's gone.

I need to be careful what I say, because I need it to be clear that I'm not casting blame. But I do still feel robbed, and angry. I couldn't sleep last night till just before dawn, because I couldn't allow myself to not distract myself. If I stopped distracting myself for a few moments, it would creep in. So instead, I played video games, I drank Jack Daniels, and I watched netflix until I knew that sleep would only be a few seconds away. That didn't come till just before dawn.

I stopped by Sarah's house last night and saw Olive. This was the first time I'd been to her new place, and it helped make it real in my mind that she was gone. I've realized I need to do those things when grieving, because when mom died when I was 9, I came home from school and she was just gone. It took me a year to cope with it, because it was as if she just disappeared.

When I saw her last night, I wasn't sad. I didn't cry. I was very matter of fact. But when i left, I had a growing tension in my brain that continued to grow until I was able to get some ibuprofen, and then it retreated slowly. It comes back when I think about the tension.

Sarah keeps apologizing to me. It's not her fault, unless there's something else she's not telling me. Even if that's the case, it is what it is and I need to grieve and move on.

You see, Sarah and I were that sickening couple who didn't have kids, and who treated our animals like our kids. We put every ounce of ourselves into the animals, and loved them like children. It was heartbreaking to see Olive and Pingu (her cat) move out. But now it's even more heartbreaking to see Olive taken by this senseless accident. I feel cheated out of Olive's life, and I feel a lot of anger toward the person who hit her with their car.

And about that, if I ever find you, I'm going to cut you. I don't give a fuck what kind of busy street it is, if you hit an animal and don't stop to see if it's ok, you're evil.

I've been quick to fly off the handle today at people for their nonsensical beliefs that they post on Facebook without putting any real thought or logic into what they are writing. I've been quick to get pissed off at people, and just in general feel really really shitty.

All I wanna do is drink, but I'm afraid to do that because i know it's a coping mechanism that could easily lead to alcoholism.

And then there's the underlying anger that was already there about life in general that this situation is compounded by. I can't seem to get my shit together, and I can't seem to get myself out of this. Everything I knew over the last decade of my life is gone, or marred, and I can never get it back the way it was.

I'm just sitting here idly while I feel all this anger just boiling up inside of me, and It has no outlet save for this blog.

When I drove home last night, I remember feeling that sense of isolation again, that I was pulling into a prison where I could reach no one, and where I was too far away for anyone but Laura to want to bother to come see me. It's not a good feeling to know you've got so much on your mind to work through and know you have no one to help you through it.

I try to think to myself that I need to focus on my goals, and work. But I know that today is likely a throw away. I didn't get up till noon, and I've done nothing all day. My back hurts, my head hurts, and all I wanna do is drink and not think about life.

Maybe I'll give in to that today, but then after today I need to put the bottle down. It's not going to do me any favors. But maybe for now, it's better to just be numb. I know, that's the last sensible words an alcoholic says before diving into his demons for the first time, but I've got a third of a bottle of Jack downstairs and its calling me.

So I'm gonna just call today a write off. I'm gonna do my homework, then waste it away. I'll be back from this, I just need today.

I'm Numb.,

I'm numb. I've lost a lot that I used to have, and value, and some of it will never come back. Some of it I've got to fight to get back. Some of it is just gone forever now……and that includes Olive.

So much has been taken from me over the last year that I'm at a breaking point. Every time I take a few steps forward, I get knocked off my feet and forced to start over.

With news of the death of my beloved dog, I'm numb. I cried, got angry, hit things, and started trying to play the blame game. According to the Kübler-Ross model, all of that was the usual order of events when something happens.

First comes Denial. I didn't wanna believe it.

Second came Anger. I came to this one really quick, and tried to blame. This was needless, and senseless, but considering the circumstances it was a step I had to go through. I fought to keep a level head, but I was really angry.

Third comes Bargaining, which I could skip, because there was no use at that point.

Depression was the 4th phase, and I hit that hard. I cried, and cried, and went back to anger, then cried again.

Stage 5 is acceptance. It still doesn't seem real in some ways, but I'm now somewhere between phases 4 and 5, meaning that I'm still really sad, but I'm trying to get to the point of knowing that there's nothing that can be done and trying to move on with my life.

It still doesn't seem real though. I can't imagine it being true.

It makes me angry about everything that's been taken from me over the last 12 months. It makes me wanna say Fuck this life, and make me wanna be as productive as I can be to better my situation. It makes me wanna leave all this bullshit and baggage as far behind me as I possibly can. Too many things have gone wrong in too short a time period for me to wanna live like this anymore.

I know that now and then I say "It's time for me to start kicking ass and changing things", and well, tonight is no different. I'm going to ignore this for now, and go do something useful. I had two sessions at the studio that couldn't happen, so I'm gonna go out and try to drum up some new business. Fuck sitting stagnant on my hands waiting for people to see my Craigslist ads. Fuck waiting for the artists I've worked with till now to bring some attention to me as a producer. Fuck waiting and doing nothing, It's time I got off my ass and changed my life.

It ends now.

Rest In Peace Olive.

Olive passed away today.



Sarah and I got Olive when we lived in Conifer Colorado, we bought her in the spring of 2009 from a breeder north of Fort Collins. She was such a tiny pup, and resembled a cocker spaniel, but she was a pure bred Golden Retriever. She was about 6 weeks old.



She was a tired and lethargic pup when we first brought her home, but that only lasted a few days. After a few days, she was a hyper, chewing, pooping pile of frustrating cuteness.







Sarah and I loved to travel with her, and we saw some beautiful country together. She made a great travel companion.

Sleeping on the way back from Moab, UT


Arches National Park


Chewing a tumbleweed in Arches National Park


Unearthing a buried frisbee at Lake McConaughy, Nebraska
which quickly became her new favorite toy


Barking enough to get us kicked out of our campsite at Yellowstone National Park


Olive and I on the north shores of Jackson Lake in Grand Teton National Park


An accidental, but awesome, photo in Dubois Wyoming


Grand Canyon National Park
(taken BEFORE she tried to run down the south rim)



She loved the Colorado snow, ever since her first snowfall in September 2009.



She loved playing with her damned Green Ball……….endlessly……



She REALLY loved to wake me up in really funny ways. These weren't posed, but she held still long enough for me to snap the pictures with my phone.





And she loved to try to give directions.



When Sarah left, she took Olive with her, on the condition that I'd have joint custody of her. I hadn't seen Olive in a few months, and was planning on asking her to bring Olive over next week for a stay, but today I got a call from Sarah.

Olive got out of the house and hit by a car.

I'm crushed, and I didn't wanna believe it at first. I still don't. I don't allow myself to really think about these things when they first happen too much, cause it's kinda hard to take.

I'm thankful that Laura was here to help me. I broke down. If I hadn't had her here to comfort me, I'd have already drank myself into oblivion.

I miss her. She was such a little doofus. I remember that she would pester house guests to no end, and love to play Stair Ball (throw a ball down the stairs, she'd throw herself down them to catch it).

I'm a weird combination of numb and on the edge right now.

Olive, you little goober. I love you more than you could've known. I'm sorry to see you go. But know that despite the fact that your family broke up, you were loved by both of us immensely. I wish I could've seen you one last time.



Rest in peace.