Triggers

I'm wondering how much longer I'm going to have to deal with some old wounds. When something happens, it seems to just pile up on top of the other things that have happened, and make me feel like it's all somehow a cumulative result of everything put together. This happened when Olive passed away, and it's happening again. George, my ferret, is either passing away, or has passed away. I couldn't stick around to watch him go, but he was pretty much there when I left him last night.

I've had him for about 7 years, and he was nearing the end of his life. Fortunately, he lived a long happy one, but unfortunately I truly believe he was in pain near the end. That's never a comfortable feeling to know, especially when you can't really afford a vet visit anymore...

...which is one of the many tie in's to everything that's gone wrong over the last two years. I'm still piecing my life together, and am about to leave all the shattered pieces that were leftover behind me once and for all. I'll be moving out of the house Sarah and I moved into in Marion. Olive is gone. George is pretty much there. She took the furniture and most of the possessions we shared, and now I no longer care much for possessions. The friendship we tried to maintain has been eroded away. It's all gone. But even though I no longer sit around and pine for the past and what I've lost (I'm very happy with the direction my life is heading now, and I have not much to complain about anymore. Life is stabilizing finally...), the things that are still there seem to be reminders when something happens. For example, George passing away.....

We got him together. He moved from Columbus to Indiana to Colorado and then to Marion with us. And now it doesn't look like he'll be joining me on the next leg of my life.

I think the thing that's getting to me the most is how appropriate this seems in some ways. It's almost like life is telling me that I'm not going to move forward with anything from my past, and I need to just let it go. The only pet we shared that I still am acquainted with is my bitchy crazy cat Ciela. I'm glad she's still here, she's been a big comfort during some of my desperate lonely times last year.




The other cooky cat we had in the house, Pingu, now lives with Sarah. I never see Pingu anymore. So that piece of my life is gone too.

It just seems like no matter how hard I've tried to piece my life together, and no matter how hard I've tried to just hold on to some things, they've all just been slowly peeling away over the last two years. Everything.

.....and she wonders why I didn't deal with it well.....but I digress.

I wish George had made it out of Marion in good health. I truly hate that town in some ways. I feel sorry for it in others, because I feel that it represents a dream that failed for many people. But I feel like I'm a prisoner there. I'm looking forward to my exit asap. I wish George had been able to exit with me, but I'm glad he's not suffering anymore and I'm glad he's making it out of Marion one way or another.

So here I sit, listening to my favorite Pandora station. It plays soft female fronted music, often with pianos and lots of emotion. This type of music isn't good when you're sad. It's almost like country music to me, only unlike Country I can actually listen to it and respect it. But it keeps me feeling sad during times like this, and times like this just send me back through all the things that I've been through over the last 2 years. What fun, evidently I love to torture myself.

Rest in peace George.