My last blog indicated that there were big things that happened in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. That's right, and it's good news. On our trip back from Atlanta, we went to see the Smokies. I found a secluded place we could pull off and have to ourselves, which had a lot of stunning mountain views. I then took Laura down to a spot out of sight of the road.
It was there that I proposed. She said yes!
Let's explain what had happened. You see, ever since my cancer scare last October, I began examining my life and what I wanted out of it in a very in depth way. I decided that I couldn't live my life without Laura, and that led me to examine what I wanted out of our relationship. There were a lot of heavy things I had to consider, including her two children with special needs. I mean, if I wanted her in my life forever, would I be able to step in and care for two special needs teenagers when I never wanted to kids to begin with?
I knew after last October's cancer scare what was in my heart. But my head wanted me to be absolutely sure, which is why I started trying to be a presence in the girl's lives. After all, if I were to take that plunge, I'd then be responsible for them. After some soul searching, I realized that I had the desire to make it work out. I began to make efforts to spend some time here and there with the girls to get to know them. Celest now asks to go to my house, despite the fact that it's a 60 mile drive, because she loves my electronic drum set. Lotus seems to enjoy it as well, but not nearly as much as Celest. I've grown to love both of them, and want nothing but the best for them. Part of me wishes that I were in a better financial state at 31 years old, so that I could be better equipped to take care of them. Suffice it to say, I realized that I could lay it all on the line for Lotus and Celest, and that they are a part of the woman that I love.
Once I was absolutely sure, the plan was to take Laura to Colorado in June. We even set a date for the trip. Knowing what I was planning, I started dropping hints to myself in my blog so that I could look back on it fondly and point out to her where I had foreshadowed my proposal ("I'll just say this. It's going to be a trip that won't be forgotten."). I was going to buy a ring and pay for our vacation, all with my tax return, while continuing to dig myself out of the financial hole with my day job pay.
My plan was to get Laura to fall in love with the Rockies by driving her to all the wonderful sights I knew of. These included at least two national parks (Great Sand Dunes NP and Rocky Mountain NP at minimum), a drive through the San Luis Valley that makes my heart sing so much, and a drive up to the summit of Mount Evans. As much as I was feeling a need to be in the mountains again all the way to the bottom of my soul, I felt it only fitting that when I tell Laura how I really felt deep down, that it be in an area that meant something to me. If I were with the woman that I loved in the place that I loved, all would be right with the world for that moment and my proposal would mean more to me. So the plan was to ask her to marry me on the summit of Mount Evans.
But that plan was derailed when I was laid off on February 1st. I no longer knew whether or not I would be able to afford the trip, let alone rent. Not knowing that I'll be able to afford my Colorado trip in June really broke my heart, especially since I was planning something of this magnitude to take place during that trip. But in many ways, I feel that my job loss was a blessing. That, however, is a different blog post.
Laura and I had planned a trip to Atlanta during spring break after I went to Atlanta to visit family last Thanksgiving. I took a trip through the Great Smoky Mountains NP on my way back to Ohio on that trip, and fell in love with that park. Though it wasn't the same as being in Colorado, it was close enough to provide solace to my yearning for a mountainous landscape. When I feel the call, it's only 7 hours away. We planned this trip before I lost my job, but since I realized that I was going to be ok financially thanks to steps I took after my last job loss, we made the trip. I mean, it would cost about 3.5 tanks of gas, and room and board were provided by family. It's a quick, easy, cheap way to get away.
I had tossed around the idea of proposing to Laura on the trip to Atlanta while in the Smokies. After all, I couldn't' guarantee that I could make it to Colorado like I had hoped. How long was I going to wait? The urge to pop the question kept brewing up in me, and I almost asked on several occasions where the moment seemed right. But I held off, cause I'm a bit girly at times and didn't want to let go of my mountain proposal. But I really was fighting with myself deciding whether to compromise for the Smokies, or wait for a trip that may not happen this year.
About two weeks ago, I had an epiphany that made my decision clear. We don't have very long on this earth. It was one of those moments that really makes that fact hit you to the core, even though you already are aware of that fact. Nothing happened to trigger it, rather it was a sudden random realization. We don't have long on this planet, and all the money and material bullshit is just bullshit. The important things in life are who you spend it with and that you grab what you want now instead of waiting. There may not be a tomorrow, so get it now and value it. So that's what I decided to do. I would propose in the Smokies.
Saturday morning in Atlanta, before Laura and I went to Stone Mountain, my aunt is cutting my hair and starts asking me about Laura. She asks if I'm happy, then asks if I'm gonna propose. When I answered yes, this was like the first acknowledgement of this fact to anyone in person. I'd had chats with a friend in Indiana (thanks Kyle) about it, but this was my first vocalization of it to another person. This made it more real, but it didn't change my mind. It was a good acknowledgment to make to myself, and cemented my goal of doing it on that trip.
My aunt freaked out, and started getting really girly. When I told Cheryl that I didn't have a ring to give Laura, she whisked me up to her jewelry collection and started looking for a ring to give me as an heirloom. She then found a sneaky way of getting Laura's ring size, which luckily was really close to her own size. So Cheryl found a ring, cleaned it, and put it in a box. I hid it in my laundry, then my aunt and uncle prayed for a long healthy marriage.
When Laura and I took off for Stone Mountain, Cheryl made reservations at a nice, albeit expensive, Italian restaurant. She insisted that they break their rule of not reserving specific tables because she wanted to get us this nice corner table with a view. I think it was named ""Tuscany", and was only a few miles from their home in Woodstock Georgia. Cheryl was hoping I'd propose at the restaurant in front of her, which was out of the question because I wanted it to be a more personal intimate proposal, but this is why Cheryl went through all the trouble to get the perfect table and make a nice evening for us. I appreciate it, and it was a great gesture, it just wasn't how I wanted to do it.
That night, I couldn't sleep. Something Rick had said while praying for our union stuck in my head, and made me briefly re-examine. He prayed that I'd have the strength to be a father to her children. This brought up my fear of not being able to provide for them, and made me question whether it was the right time. But as I lie there next to her, I'd look at her and those fears were put to rest. I would find a way to make it work…..because it's worth it.
So after only 5 hours of sleep, I wake up at 5 am and start packing to leave for the Smokies. By 6:30, we were in the car and on our way. By almost 10 am, we were in the park. This was a big deal to me on another level because this was Laura's first trip to a national park. I wanted it to really impress. We entered on the North Carolina side near Cherokee. Not far into the park, we found a visitor center with memorabilia and park rangers. I bought a couple of shirts for Laura's kids, then bought a magnet from the park to commemorate the trip. I had a collection of magnets from parks that I'd visited previously in my last relationship, but she took them when she moved out. Laura and I decided to start our own collection to commemorate our travels to the parks. So we bought our first national park magnet, which is now on my fridge.
While in the park, we also bought National Park Passports that we can have stamped as we "collect" our parks together. They are kept in my car, and have a date stamp for the date we went to our first park together.
We found out that due to the unusually warm winter, they opened the lookout on Clingman's dome early for the season. That very day was the first day it was open for the season, though it normally is closed till April 1st. So we embarked on our trip up the park road. As we started climbing through the switchbacks looking at mountain vistas and feeling in awe of the landscapes that surrounded me, I could feel that it was right. I was gonna do it, and nothing was gonna stop me. So I found a pull off with an amazing panorama. Fortunately it was early in the day so there weren't many tourists on the park service road, and the pull off I found was empty other than our car.
I remembered this spot specifically because this was the only place in the park I could get reception on my phone. I called Laura from this spot on my last trip through the park last November to tell her how much i wished she were there because it was so amazingly beautiful. I actually thought to myself last November that this spot would make a great place for the proposal if Colorado doesn't work out for some reason.
And 4 months later, I have Laura in that spot. I take her by the hand, and lead her down a little path into the foliage. We were alone, even if someone pulled into the parking lot above. It was here that I let it out.
I had rehearsed this about 50 times in my head, but when it came down to THE moment, my brain stopped wanting to work. So I stuck with the cliffnotes. lol.
When I told her how I felt, and that I couldn't imagine anything in my life being the same without her in it, I then asked her to marry me. This clearly caught her off guard, cause she seemed stunned, but after a half second pause (which seemed like an eternity to me…..), she said yes.
The rest of the trip in the park seemed to be that much more awesome because of this amazing connection that had been made. I do feel like we connected on such a deeper level because of it, and that feeling persists now. I can feel it now very strongly despite our 60 mile distance from each other at this moment. We drove through the rest of the park seeing the sights with a visible glow about us.
I feel that this has brought us closer in a lot of ways. I couldn't be happier that she said yes. Having done it, I'm glad I didn't wait for what my head told me was the right moment (i.e. Colorado), because it's not about knowing what you want and waiting for it to happen. It's about knowing what you want and going for it when you want it. I wanted my engagement ring on her finger, and I didn't want to wait any longer to ask if I could put it there.
And although I'm extremely happy about the fact that it's happened, late at night I sit up anxiously worrying about getting my shit in order. I mean, I now will have to be a provider not just for myself, but for 3 other people. I'm not going to back out of this, that's not what my anxiousness is about. I am however terrified. I'm 31, I don't have anything to offer except a wing and a prayer, and I'm taking on responsibility for other human beings who will be completely dependent on me and Laura.
In other words, if I fail now, I'm not the only one who goes under. Things were easier in my previous relationship, because not as much was on the line and I hadn't matured enough yet to really give a damn about money and our future. This is one thing I feel tore that relationship apart. What if I can't get my shit together now? Much more is on the line now.
I came back to Ohio with an extreme can-do attitude. But when I woke up the next morning I started feeling the first real waves of fear. But I imagine most new fathers feel this fear when they find out they will be responsible for another person. I'm just feeling it for the first time at 31, and they aren't even my kids. That doesn't mean I won't do everything I can for them as though they were my kids, but feeling that fear of the "what if" makes me feel kinda numb and disconnected when I'm by myself.
I'm trying to keep my feelings and emotions in check so that nothing builds up inside, so before going to bed I explored myself and found this wall of fear. Laura and I have talked about this already, and I didn't wanna wake her up with it, so I turned to the blog. But what started as a quick explanation of the fear I was feeling has taken me 90 minutes to write.
I do feel better after writing it, and I do look forward to many happy and healthy years ahead with my future wife. She's such an amazing woman, and she gives me strength to make myself a better person. But I know that if I never amount to anything, she'll still love me just the same. It's a wonderful feeling to know that to the very core of yourself. I couldn't ask for a better best friend and companion to share my life with. I look forward to many travels and life experiences, and I look forward to the good times and the bad. I want it all, as long as she's with me for it all.
I love you Laura.
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