What we can learn from squirrels this time of year.

This time of year, in the Midwest, if you look out your window you'll Likely see squirrels scampering about as they forage for nuts. The pressure is on, as they are trying to store food away for the winter. Since the leaves are falling, their food is no longer in constant abundance, and they must plan ahead in order to survive.

In business, you've got to plan ahead. You've got to make sure you're prepared for an upcoming shortage. In business, once you run out of liquid assets, it's game over. Too many of us, myself included, play this game with too much risk. We take out lines of credit, which increase our liabilities, banking on the hope that it'll work itself out. However, if you run out of revenues, and can't repay the line of credit, it may be closing time for your dreams. In any business venture where i've had complete control over the finances, I've only taken out debt in cases where it was a dire need for immediate assets. I've taken steps to keep my liabilities at a minimum, and worked toward having enough assets to weather a dry spell. In other words, I hoarded my nuts to feed myself if winter comes, just like the squirrel.

If I could carry that burden in your stead....I would in a heartbeat.

You know that feeling of helplessness when someone you care about is having a hard time and you can't do anything to turn them around? I'm feeling that pretty hard, especially over the last few days. I don't wanna go into specifics, but I know this person is finding it hard to fund anything positive right now and this negativity is starting to take it's toll on them.

It's hard seeing someone with such a generous and caring spirit carry the weight of the world with them everywhere. It's even harder knowing I can do nothing to turn it around.

Healing

Sometimes I wonder if some wounds will ever heal. Sometimes I wonder how deep the damage I did actually was, and wish I could just take the pain away from those I hurt last year. Sometimes I feel like a very worthless human being.

There's no excuses for any of my actions last year. I lied, cheated, and was a very selfish bastard. It was the least proud moment of my life. I look back at it now and wonder who I was or how I could ever have been so cruel.

But it's been over a year since then. Wounds are healing. Relationships are much stronger than they were. But the scars of yesterday still show themselves, and sometimes….like today…..they bleed. Those I love bleed, and I can do nothing to stop it. Those I need hemorrhage by my hand and I can only watch and sit back feeling the immense guilt of my actions. Those whose lives I couldn't stand to be out of show the damage I caused to them, and it makes me hurt.

My only wish is to be able to take the pain away. My only want is to be able to make her happy. But I'm cursed to watch the woman of my dreams crumble under the weight of the emotional wounds I caused.

And it is in these moments that I am ashamed to acknowledge the person I was ever existed. It is in these moments that the guilt overcomes me and consumes me, and I long to crawl into a hole and die. It is in these moments that my resolve gets the better of me, and I can do no more……

….for I can do no more. I can only watch the suffering and pray that it will all be gone one day. I can only pray that the pain will ease, and the questions will subside, and the fury will be vanquished, and all that will be left is the perfect union of souls that I know exists between us. I can do no more at this time than to wait, and to be everything I can be to her and this family. I can do no more than to pledge my entire life to her, and to mean it, and to dedicate my every move to the betterment of my family. I can do nothing more than to be here and fight for our survival and for us to thrive……….and to wait by her side as she walks through the valley of the shadow of death alone…..until she comes through on the other side. I can only wait until that day when, by the grace of God, her wounds are healed and her spirit can be at peace.

…..and I will wait, patiently, even if it takes 5 eternities. I will do this, and so much more, for her. She's the only one who was ever worth it and she is the only one who will ever BE worth it.

And so I wait.