I'm beginning to wonder why I need someone in my life. For 12 years I just rode along because it was there, but this year has been a roller coaster ride for me in a lot of ways.
After Sarah and I split, I was alone for all of about 4 weeks before another situation came along. Then when that was over, immediately I was in another. Now that's over.
I dunno, maybe I jumped in too quickly. I mean, nearly 12 years of cohabitation and commitment, and I was only by myself for 4 weeks after it ended before jumping into another situation! Sure, each of those situations helped me grow in some ways, but the true test will be whether or not I can handle being by myself completely. I crave attention from someone, but why is that? Is it fucked up issues caused by parental circumstances from my childhood? Is it that I was just used to having one situation for so long that now I don't know how to not have that kind of attention in my life? What is it?
I think maybe the answer will lie in isolation. I never really worked on picking up all the pieces, I just picked up the ones I needed to remain mobile and moved on. Maybe I need to just worry about myself, and not about putting anyone else into the picture yet.
Who knows.
5 comments:
There was a period in my life where I went from 2003 to 2007 where I remained single, went out with friends of both sexes, and just WAS. I wasn't looking for anything, but kept my eyes open. It was the best thing for me, because all the while, I developed friendships and intimacy without sex or committed relationships. Then came a day where I suggested to one of my female friends that we maybe should try each other, after complaining to each other about failed romances. We were online friends, met in person, got engaged that day (she knew I was going to propose if we got along just as well in person as on the phone), and she remains my wife and best friend.
FYI, Steve, you're the first person to ever leave a comment on my blog.
I need to figure something out for sure. After 12 years of going with the flow and doing what someone else thought was best (as far as living situations go), I haven't taken the time to focus on myself. I think it's time for that now.
Steve has it right. I married my high school sweetheart right after I graduated. 2 kids came shortly after, then came the process of growing up while having to be a total and complete adult responsible for 2 other lives. Needless to say, it didn't last (well, it did for 19 years but it was just glue and tape keeping it together). I dated once after the split and it turned out horrible. Decided I was better on my own and wasn't looking for anything. Dorian and I had been totally platonic friends for a long time. I would complain to him about my failed relationships and he would do the same with me. One day it was pretty much the same. It works because it's the extension of a solid foundation friendship with so much mutual respect and love. I do believe it happens when you least expect it. But..I do think one is better alone than with the totally wrong person (and usually you know when someone is wrong for you, but doing something about it is another thing).
Well, I'm glad that it worked out for you and Dorian. I need to work on myself here, and I think you guys are kind of backing that up a bit.
Tracy, that's a lot how Cynthia and I came into being.
My celibacy, as some would call it, was just about getting my shit together. I was in my late 20's and have gone through relationships or overnights in the 40 count. I had my "fun," which it wasn't. I was only trying to find the right one for me. I decided that after my sexy time and vulnerable conversations, I needed to back away. My game plan wasn't working, and I needed to evaluate what I really wanted. Age happens. Gravity happens. Good cooking happens. ETC. I needed to find out what was the most important thing in the long run. For me it was friendship. Cynthia's awesomeness in all the other ways are mere perks and bonuses.
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