I'm actually feeling pretty good. I dunno what it is about the changing of a date from one day to another that can fill a person with hope for the new year that lies ahead, but it's likely the feeling of a fresh start that occurs when a new year rolls over on the calendar. So what am I up to this year?
Well, I'm glad you asked.
January is gonna be fiscally tight. There's no way around it, I'm in a tight spot. But no worries, I've got a lot of promise ahead in the very near future. I just have to get over the next few weeks financially.
With that being said, I'm back in school. I start classes in 2 weeks. I'm on academic probation, but it's time to turn that around too. In person classes, a degree change, 6 months away from school to re-stabilize my life…all things that were needed to renew my thirst for an education.
I've also officially launched CLMastering.com as of a few days ago. I've been lighting up twitter building a buzz, and although I've not sold any masters yet, it's good to know that it's now officially available for the public to use. Now to just keep up the marketing…
I've helped Laura start up her own fitness blog too, and now she's blogging and tweeting, and is making it her own! I'm so glad to have helped her get it off the ground!
2013 sees my daughters turn 15, and I'm so excited to see the beautiful young women they are becoming.
2013 is a blank slate and is full of promise. It's time to take that promise by the reigns and make something of it.
Money makes the world go round, but it also is a great divider. It also can show a person's true character and willingness to understand your plight, and it can be a major point of contention and stress.
That's what I learned tenfold in recent weeks.
With studio revenues down to the point where I wasn't even breaking even, and other income sources running dry, I found myself faced with a lot of stress and anxiety. I found myself forced to make a decision. I blogged about that decision, which was to find a day job. I'm now working as a Medicare PDP provider for a teen who has autism, and it will pay almost the same as the job I left in February 2012.
I also re-signed up for classes. I don't want to live on student loans, but I can't lie and say that there isn't a financial reason I'm in school right now. Realizing it's debt that will have to be paid back later, I'm willing to take that in order to get a cushion that will help me stay afloat now. It's a gamble, and I don't like to gamble, but while I'm gambling I'm also gaining an education. I'm investing in myself. The major factor in this isn't money, but it is a vip in this game.
Bottom line is this. I've been broke my whole life. I tried to turn it around a year ago, and was on the path to doing just that. I had a savings, and was paying down credit cards. But 2012 has been a financial disaster for me. Unfortunately some didn't want to see that, and partnerships broke up because I couldn't be in a relationship where my time wasn't respected and I was expected to constantly work for the promise of "maybe we'll make a lot of money down the road"…when my kids are needing food now, getting paid down the road isn't a bet I'm willing to wager anymore. Writing was on the wall, it was clear that priorities were no longer aligned. Tensions were rising. I'm getting out.
Meanwhile, even though 2012 seemed to have a lot of promise as the summer came around and the new studio location opened, it became clear very soon that I didn't have enough clients to sustain it and I've been struggling just to pay the rent for a few months now. Business is business, and I'm working on turning it around, but when I can't contribute any of my income to pay the bills at home and feed the kids because I'm trying to keep this business afloat, it's clear that something has to change NOW.
Business is risk. I choose to take risks because I can see the potential payout later. However, I'm only willing to take calculated risks with low overhead and high return on investment. Sure, that's smart, but never a sure thing. Meanwhile, every business venture I've attempted this year has taken me down the road to the poor house while demanding tons of time away from my family and forcing me to stress to no end about how I'm going to pay for it all.
So I devised a business that would be completely online and have a very low overhead with a high profit margin. This business would have my daughters initials in the name, to remind me of what I was fighting for, and would be in place as a way to ensure their future in uncertain financial times. I'm still developing this business, and even though I don't know how to make it what I want it to be just yet, I know how to make it work and bring it to market. That's one thing I've fought with all year. I can't fine tune and tweak endlessly without bringing the product to market, because I can't afford to put that much time into that. However, when it was brought up that I was putting my time into this new venture, that was evidently the straw that broke the camel's back for the partnership I referenced above.
So here we are. I'm broke. In in that long period where I'm waiting way too long for my first paycheck from the new day job, which will be very small, while watching my available capitol dry up around me days before major bills are due (rent, ect). I'm also having services shut off.
Enough.
This cycle has to end.
So what can I do differently? Not really much right now, other than keep plugging and trying to get this new business operational before classes start in a few weeks. That's my window. I have to get this new site up and running by then, or the amount of time I'll have to focus on web development will be a lot more constricted. The business is designed to be easy to run with minimal effort, which would work out well for a guy like me (running a studio while working a 30 hour-week day job and taking 12 credit hours of classes and raising two teens who have autism…). Essentially I focus on marketing, do some minor file maintenance and billing, and then collect money. With a social media model rather than an advertising model, the advertising budget is minimal. This leads to high profit margins, and an overhead that is so low you can't limbo under it. I can run this business from anywhere that I have an internet connection, so I can take it with me on vacation as long as I have my iPhone.
But the business isn't live. So I'm caught in another struggle of putting time into something that hasn't paid me a dime yet. The difference this time is, no one is here to argue that it can't go live until it reaches a certain arbitrary point, and no one is here to set that arbitrary point so high that it's impossible to sustain with no returns on the investment. I'm in this alone, with guidance from others, but the decisions are ultimately mine. I'm in charge of my own destiny here, and no one can dip their fingers in the bowl and fowl up the original vision. So this one makes me happy to put time into, because I can see this one having a potentially high return with unlimited growth!
Besides, I'm doing this one for my daughters. They'll need lifelong care (thanks autism), and I can't provide that on promises and unemployment. They are my number one priority in life now, and every move I make is to give them a better life.
But even at home there is frustration. While in training to be a PDP provider, they tell all new providers to ensure that we have adequate down time. It can be very frustrating to assist someone with special needs, and you can't take that out on them, but if you don't give yourself down time from it to relax and recover, you'll get burnt out quick.
I've been on my job for a week now in the home, and then coming home all week to my daughters. Where is my downtime? Just as I try to find some, a money issue or a weather issue throws a wrench in my plans and I have to postpone my recovery yet again. Then there are people who are constantly hounding me about things, or changing their plans, and further complicating my life. Yeah, I signed up for it, but that doesn't mean it won't have it's consequences on my health. I'm tense today, and can't pull out of it. I'm not making enough money, my daughters are acting up and becoming defiant little teenage firecrackers (atta-girls!), my new day job has had a lot of unpredictability in it's schedule thanks to the holiday break and illness in the family, people are getting pissed at me left and right and acting like I'm letting them down (while failing to see just how hard I'm fighting)…
I've reached a boiling point. I've also reached a new level of thinking. My first priority is, and always will be, to ensure the future of my children. Second will be to ensure the longevity of my future marriage to Laura. My own needs and wants will come third, but before business I have to ensure my own sanity. Running a business can make you insane, and raising children who have autism doesn't exactly relieve stress. With as much as I've been forced to pack on to keep it together (whatever the FUCK that means), I can't be an efficient business man if I'm not taking care of myself. So my needs as a person come third.
Part of those needs include my own future. Owning a business isn't a guarantee of success, and while others got mad when I'd point out the unlikely odds against us, I choose to live in the real world and understand that just because I make it doesn't mean they'll come. So if all of those business endeavors fall through, I've got my education to help me find new opportunities to survive and thrive.
Part of those needs also include downtime. I find solace in photography, and in downtime with Laura. Those things I'll always have to make time for. So…
1. Kids.
2. Laura.
3. School / Personal Downtime.
4. Everything and everyone else. No exceptions. Period.
I pledged a few weeks ago that I never wanted to see Laura upset about bills again. I pledged that I would find a way to turn our financial situation around asap. Later that night, I was blessed with two finds on Craigslist that turned things around.
Ad #1: Seeking video editor.
I leave a message outlining my video editing skills. The next day, I receive a call from a business who needed a video edited together. It took about 18 hours over almost 2 weeks, but I got the project done by his dead line and he was very satisfied. The next day, he was calling me with another project, and the day after that with a referral for the studio! This guy has been a steady client with a quick turnaround on new projects, and it's because he's in business himself and needs it done asap. So this has meant a quick turnaround on payment. I couldn't be happier, and am keeping my eyes peeled for more clients like him.
Ad #2: Seeking Medicare PDP provider.
It's no secret that my daughters-to-be have autism. This gave me just what I needed for this ad, because this was for a family looking for a PDP provider for their autistic children. Knowing the potential for a steady income this could provide, I quickly emailed a response and outlined my own experiences with autism. The next day, I had received an email from the home asking me to come in for an interview. I did, and we had a nice long 2 hour conversation. She hired me on the spot, and now I'm making a nice part time income.
These came along at the perfect time. Stress about money was reaching critical mass, and it's become clear that my focus needs to be spent on being a provider asap. It was time to take a long hard look at what I'd been doing and evaluate it's importance. I prioritized a few things, and de-prioritized a few. I got off my ass and got back in school after taking 6 months off to get my life stable again. I'm signed up for full time classes in January. I built a new web site for the studio to help it attain a more professional look, and pulled the trigger on the new rates I'd decided to implement after much debate.
And now, here I sit, on the edge of the bed as Laura sleeps behind me, thinking about how great it feels to not only have worked, but to have been paid for it, and to know that the money is going to help get our finances back in order once and for all. I worked 14 hours today, it seems like it spanned 2 days, but I love the feeling of getting something done and being rewarded for it.
Laura and I have been talking recently about ways to get ourselves out of the hole and build a better life for us and our daughters. Part of this involves financial security, but I won't go into that too in depth because that's partially about her, and she's more private about those sorts of things. But we've pledged to wait till we get our finances back in order to get married, and I don't wanna wait anymore. There's nothing more important to me than this family, and I can't wait to be a part of it legally.
I think I'm coming to a head with a few things in my life. Financially, mentally, physically…
The studio is a great asset, but let's be honest. It's not paying the bills. It has been barely breaking even, and now that revenues are down 25% it's practically not even doing that. So if I can't break even, I can' t profit. If I can't profit, I can't put food on the table at home. I'm working a job that, while tons of fun, is getting me nowhere in life. It's not advancing me or my family, and my family has to eat. So I've been working on a few other things to try to spur revenues and keep the bills paid.
1 - I got a job. I start next week at my first day job since I lost my call center job in February. It's time to face facts, this ship isn't sailing. It's merely treading water. Meanwhile, I've got a hold to dig out of. The first thing you do when you find yourself in a hole is stop digging.
This will be a temporary situation, but it will be a rewarding one. I'll be providing respite care for a family who has children with autism.
2 - I've also re-enrolled in school. This time, I'm going not for business or marketing. I'm going to re-sharpen my production skills. I'm getting work in this field, I wanna sharpen the skills I'm already using. I start in January, as long as my financial aid comes through, and I'll be taking classes on campus rather than online this time. After all, online classes were so easy to let go that when life got tough I let them fall to the wayside. Time to start fresh and go to campus.
3 - I'm starting a new business. CLMastering will offer audio mastering worldwide. Unlike the studio, where I'm paid per hour of my work (and therefore has limited growth opportunity because there are only so many hours in a day), CLMastering has unlimited growth potential and will cater to a worldwide market. More on that to come, but I hope to be active by February or March.
The bottom line is that I've seen the writing on the wall. My family needs me to bring it home, and if the studio isn't catching on it's time to focus on what will. I'll keep the studio open, and I'll hope it grows, but my back is against a wall. If something isn't serving my family, it needs to be lowered in priority. Period. I'll never achieve my 5 year plan if I don't turn things around NOW.
So the next few weeks will bring a lot of changes. Let's just hope they are for the best.
This time of year, in the Midwest, if you look out your window you'll Likely see squirrels scampering about as they forage for nuts. The pressure is on, as they are trying to store food away for the winter. Since the leaves are falling, their food is no longer in constant abundance, and they must plan ahead in order to survive.
In business, you've got to plan ahead. You've got to make sure you're prepared for an upcoming shortage. In business, once you run out of liquid assets, it's game over. Too many of us, myself included, play this game with too much risk. We take out lines of credit, which increase our liabilities, banking on the hope that it'll work itself out. However, if you run out of revenues, and can't repay the line of credit, it may be closing time for your dreams. In any business venture where i've had complete control over the finances, I've only taken out debt in cases where it was a dire need for immediate assets. I've taken steps to keep my liabilities at a minimum, and worked toward having enough assets to weather a dry spell. In other words, I hoarded my nuts to feed myself if winter comes, just like the squirrel.
You know that feeling of helplessness when someone you care about is having a hard time and you can't do anything to turn them around? I'm feeling that pretty hard, especially over the last few days. I don't wanna go into specifics, but I know this person is finding it hard to fund anything positive right now and this negativity is starting to take it's toll on them.
It's hard seeing someone with such a generous and caring spirit carry the weight of the world with them everywhere. It's even harder knowing I can do nothing to turn it around.
Sometimes I wonder if some wounds will ever heal. Sometimes I wonder how deep the damage I did actually was, and wish I could just take the pain away from those I hurt last year. Sometimes I feel like a very worthless human being.
There's no excuses for any of my actions last year. I lied, cheated, and was a very selfish bastard. It was the least proud moment of my life. I look back at it now and wonder who I was or how I could ever have been so cruel.
But it's been over a year since then. Wounds are healing. Relationships are much stronger than they were. But the scars of yesterday still show themselves, and sometimes….like today…..they bleed. Those I love bleed, and I can do nothing to stop it. Those I need hemorrhage by my hand and I can only watch and sit back feeling the immense guilt of my actions. Those whose lives I couldn't stand to be out of show the damage I caused to them, and it makes me hurt.
My only wish is to be able to take the pain away. My only want is to be able to make her happy. But I'm cursed to watch the woman of my dreams crumble under the weight of the emotional wounds I caused.
And it is in these moments that I am ashamed to acknowledge the person I was ever existed. It is in these moments that the guilt overcomes me and consumes me, and I long to crawl into a hole and die. It is in these moments that my resolve gets the better of me, and I can do no more……
….for I can do no more. I can only watch the suffering and pray that it will all be gone one day. I can only pray that the pain will ease, and the questions will subside, and the fury will be vanquished, and all that will be left is the perfect union of souls that I know exists between us. I can do no more at this time than to wait, and to be everything I can be to her and this family. I can do no more than to pledge my entire life to her, and to mean it, and to dedicate my every move to the betterment of my family. I can do nothing more than to be here and fight for our survival and for us to thrive……….and to wait by her side as she walks through the valley of the shadow of death alone…..until she comes through on the other side. I can only wait until that day when, by the grace of God, her wounds are healed and her spirit can be at peace.
…..and I will wait, patiently, even if it takes 5 eternities. I will do this, and so much more, for her. She's the only one who was ever worth it and she is the only one who will ever BE worth it.
I'm sitting here at the studio, and am watching "Ride The Divide", which is the film that inspired me to ride the great divide trail before I turn 40. I'm drinking my coffee, and watching the footage of the mountains, and thinking positively about my future. It makes me want to just kick ass and focus only on what will benefit me and my family.
I've had some confidence hits recently. But I've had events that gave me faith too. The confidence hits were caused by a lull in clients at the studio, but those things are going to happen. It's a cyclical business, and I can't let that get me down. But there's another thing that's had me acting somewhat irrationally. There was a studio in Columbus that had name recognition, and they had to close down a few years ago. They are re-opening in the building LITERALLY right behind my studio. I'll have a competitor 50 feet from my front door! That's a bit nerve wracking, but if I take the proximity of our studios out of the picture, the proximity doesn't matter in the least. If he were 50 feet or 20 miles, he'd still be another local option that I'd have to compete with. This guy's been in the game longer, has a local contact list, has name recognition, and can out-gear me any day of the week.
So those two issues have had a big hit on my confidence. But I need to get over that and move on. To help me regroup, I've been working hard on some promotional efforts. I've been going to shows every weekend, which is something I'd been not focusing on. I've been making new materials with viral sharing in mind. I've been working on my social presence online. I've even painstakingly been trying to improve my skills in every way I can so that I can compete with ALL of the local competition with ease. This has included lots of feedback from other engineers who aren't in my local market, and their input has been invaluable in helping me get better as quickly as I can. I've even been focusing on diversifying my product line so that I can offer something to folks who may not need recording or mixing services. I'm going to explore the opportunity to get into Audio Post work.
What I've learned about myself from the above is that even if I face something that seems bleak, and even if I let the stress get to me (which happened HARDCORE over the last couple of weeks), I always seem to find my way back to the positive place I need to be in order to move forward.
I've also learned that I have a rock to lean on when things seem bleak. Laura has been the most wonderful presence in my life, and has gone to extraordinary measures for the sake of our happiness and to feed the hunger in my soul. Without her, the bleak times would be even bleaker, and I find myself needing her grace more and more every day.
In fact, Laura helped me achieve something that I needed very much for the sake of the wounds my soul suffered upon my departure from the Colorado Rockies in 2010. We planned to make it out there this summer, and it was there that I planned to propose to her, but it didn't look possible due to financial reasons. Because of that, I took her to the Great Smoky Mountains, and it was there that she agreed to spend the rest of her life with me as my wife. That day, she made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. The high lasted for days for me.
My heart still yearned for the west, however. It was very distressing that I didn't believe I could make it out there again, even after plans to go had to be cancelled. But in the middle of the summer, Laura suggested that we make a trip to Denver work somehow, and in August we hit the road for my first trip west in over two years.
Upon seeing the mountains for the first time, I felt like I was at home again. Being able to show Laura all the amazing sights that I had fallen in love with so hard meant the world to me. I broke down crying as I showed her the view from atop Conifer Mountain, which is where I used to live. I broke down crying again when she told me on our way to the San Luis Valley that she felt very at home there and could see living there with me very easily. It was an extremely medicinal experience for the part of my soul that was damaged by my departure from the Rocky Mountains. Laura and I visited our fourth national park, the Great Sand Dunes National Park, and it was by far the most fun park either of us have ever been too. She handled the altitude much better than I anticipated, considering her athsma, and even was able to handle the 14,000 foot ascent up Mount Evans before getting irritable due to the altitude.
Being able to see my mountains again, and to see the land that I love with every fiber of my soul, and to share it with the woman who has inspired the largest soul searching transformation I've ever undergone…..it was an extremely rehabilitative experience.
I've found myself not missing the mountains at any great extent since our trip. Laura speculated that I needed the trip to prove that I could make it out there again, and I think she was right. The trip helped us grow even closer than we already are, and made both of us think about our future together and with our daughters Lotus and Celest. It made me extremely confident about every aspect of my future. I still yearn to be there, amongst the great beauty of the west, but I think being there with Laura helped me make peace with my separation and bought me time and sanity.
As I write this blog post, I reflect on the events of the last two months. I see one constant. Laura. When I need strength, she does what she can to feed my soul. When I'm feeling on top, she's there to celebrate my victories and give further encouragement. Laura is my rock. Without her, I know my journey would be a difficult one.
Laura, thank you for constantly being a source of inspiration to me, and a reason for me to keep fighting. Thank you for keeping me grounded, and thank you for helping me keep moving on. I love you more each and every day.
The label has ballooned the size of the initial idea into something that won't see any real revenues for quite some time, and caused me to have to do a lot of work with no reward in the foreseeable future.
Project DIVIDE dropped off for a while so that I could set up the new studio location, and now that it's back in action there's a lot of work to do there in order to get the first EP out.
The podcast went into a temporary podfade, and I'm trying to re-generate it back into my weekly priority list.
The studio got busy, but then dropped off hard.
And my solo music efforts have flatlined. I haven't done a show in almost a year.
I feel bogged down with work that isn't getting me anywhere, and lacking in work that IS getting me somewhere. I think if I could just get one or two of these other projects up and running finally, I'd be in better spirits. But it's taking so long for many of them with no end in sight.
So I've decided that I'm gonna re-record my solo track "Thoughtless", make a videosong for it, and put it on itunes as a solo single. After all, it'll cost me almost nothing to put on itunes, and the sense of accomplishment will hopefully kick my confidence back up to where it needs to be so that I can endure the other projects. I need some sort of personal victory, after all I've been working for SO long on all of these other projects with no reward and it's easy to become unmotivated now.
So that's what I'm gonna do. I'll get started on it in October. I'm gonna do it all myself, spend a day filming and recording it, and get it mixed as I go. The next day, I'll sit here till the videosong is done. Then I'll get it off to be mastered, and go ahead and submit it through either tunecore or CD baby (still unsure).
I feel like things are failing all around me again. This time, I'm trying to fight to keep it from happening, but this time it's not regarding my relationship. However, if the things that I feel that I'm losing control of DO fail, I worry about the fallout that will have on my relationship.
That being said, it's like right now I can't catch a break. Everyone wants something yesterday that I don't have today and may not have tomorrow. I'm having major stress headaches over the last few days, and don't know whether or not I'll be able to tread water or if I'll sink hard and fast.
I'm scared of failing. More importantly, I'm scared of showing my face at home if I do fail, and scared of the embarrassment of knowing I failed. My logical brain says she'll love me forever regardless of success, but my irrational brain gets worked up and can't stand the thought of letting her and the kids down.
I know that it's time for a change in course, but the scary thing is that I'm worried about lasting a matter of DAYS instead of weeks. I'm worried that it may not matter at all in 2 weeks, and all my efforts will have been for nothing.
But if I can make it through this hurdle, I have ideas of different directions I can go to turn this around. It's clear that the way I've been proceeding hasn't paid off quickly enough. It's time to regroup and reconsider my approach.
Based on the stream of people I follow on facebook, many of whom were Romney supporters prior to this video being released, it would appear that Romney is about to take it in the ass HARD this November.
Here's the video, for those who haven't yet seen it.
This video came out, and Romney essentially handed the election to Obama. I can see it in the attitudes of those who are on my facebook feed who were fervently supporting Romney just two weeks ago! One person, a friend of mine who would ALWAYS attack Obama, said after the video's release that it didn't MATTER who won, we were getting screwed either way. Funny, cause two weeks earlier you were touting for one side, and now you're giving up?
It would seem that, based on my own sampling from my facebook feed, the public opinion has turned away from Romney hardcore. Even republicans in office are saying that Romney's out of touch.
Everywhere I look, the attitude against Mitt Romney seems to have shifted to one of displeasure with this man who (stating my own biased opinion here) was NEVER in touch with the struggle of the everyday American.
I'm not going to use this post to talk about why Obama's so great. I'm voting for him, that's always been a given, but this was rather a reflection of how badly Mitt Romney fucked himself by not watching what he said.
Way to piss off half of the country there Mitt......oh, I meant 47% of the country!
The new studio has been up and running in Grove City for almost 3 months now. I've had several great rock bands, as well as hip hop artists, and a little bit of R&B come through my door. It's been fun.
But it's also slowing down a bit. So I'm looking into some new opportunities while things are slow, but those are hard to find in Central Ohio. I've decided to shift focus toward business audio for now, while ramping up significantly my marketing efforts by showing more of a presence in the local music scene.
Compounding things is the fact that a well established studio who had been closed for a few years is re-opening in the building literally right behind me. This has me concerned about people's perception of me and my operation, and I'm stressing out over every detail of my products overall quality level. I HAVE to be every bit as good as this guy, who can out-gear me any day of the week. Despite my fervent belief that gear doesn't make records, if you take two engineers who have good ears the client will probably choose the one with the gear.
So I've got to shift my product focus onto me, the engineer, and the value that I alone bring to the table. In order for me to be competitive in this dried up music market (hey, it's not Nashville or LA people), I have to do some PR work and increase the value of working with ME. The recording is the product overall, but what makes people come to me has to be the ME factor.
So I'm trying to improve my product in every way possible. I've been working on a mix that I recorded in the studio back in July as a tester for the new studio. I gave it to this band for free, and am now using the tracks I recorded to pull out all the stops. I've since found weaknesses in my room I've had to adapt to, which I've been able to overcome on a temporary basis. I've also found weaknesses in my workflow that I've been working to overcome thanks to the help of several of my engineer friends around the country.
But all of this has me second guessing the smallest of decisions in my mixes. I feel like I'm hitting a wall psychologically, and will have to climb over that to get back to full confidence.
Couple that with a recent head cold that clogged up my ears, which I'm only today finally recovering from, and you can see why I'm a bit stressed. Each day that goes by that I don't release this spectacular mix to the public, the neighboring studio gets closer to opening. But bouncing mixes off of several engineers while taking ear breaks for head colds takes valuable time. So I'm trying to offset that time by going to shows and networking.
I started going to shows again last weekend. I went to a show hosted by a friend of mine who runs Audiology Sound Studios, a neighboring studio. It was a charity show for his Music Is Life foundation. The line-up of the show consisted of at least one client, Bleeding Ink, as well as a large group of other artists who I was able to network with. Many of these artists I'd never seen live before, and some I'd never even heard of before. It was a great chance to network, but only one won't do it. I need a regular presence in this local scene if people are going to think of me. I need to talk to them about what I do, and I need to act fast. This will probably have to be an every-weekend venture for me. After all, you can't stop hunting, or else you'll starve.
Meanwhile, I'll be setting up a conference call with a business associate in Colorado at Swanpro Studios to go over some ways that I can get into the post audio market. Post audio production is more lucrative with more consistent work, and that is exactly what I need to make my 5 year goal a reality. At this point, I have 4.25 years to go. That's starting to not seem like a long time.
So I've got a long way to go, and a lot of work to do to get there. But now that I'm a family man, and I have two beautiful daughters counting on me, I can't rest on my laurels anymore. I must fight for my career for the sake of my family, and I need to do what it takes to psych myself up and get motivated.
In an odd way, I've turned to survival shows on Netflix as a source of motivation. Seeing people taking every measure necessary JUST to SURVIVE makes me feel blessed to have things as easy as I do, and makes me realize that the only hurdle to what I want in life is myself. It makes me realize that failure isn't so bad, because things could always be a lot worse. Even if I were homeless, it makes me realize that I'd be ok because I could find a way to make it. So that relieves some of my stress, while motivating me to continue forward toward my goals.
But it's not always easy getting over my own self-consciousness to find the motivation on the other side. I'm always worried about disappointing Laura, whom I would give my life for, and feel major guilt that I'm unable to be a better provider at this moment. But seeing her struggle so hard for our family motivates me 10 times more than anything else when I stop and think about it. She's given me everything she can, every part of her. Now it's time for me to take that and use it for the betterment of our whole family.
So to any competition that comes my way, you'd better look out. There's nothing more fearful than a determined underdog.
Entrepreneurs don't get paid. They invest everything they can and everything they have into a venture that may not pan out, leaving them broke in the end but satisfied for having tried. But for the first two years of a business's existence, entrepreneurs generally don't get paid. They put all the revenues they earn from the business BACK INTO the business so that the business can not only pay it's current expenses, but can survive the inevitable dry spell that comes to all businesses.
A business is broken up into several financial areas. Land, Labor, Capitol, and Entrepreneurship. The entrepreneur has to furnish all of these when a business is starting, but over time if the business is successful the entrepreneur will begin to see a return on the investments they have made into the land, labor, and capitol required to start the business. The entrepreneur must find the land needed to operate the business, whether it be a warehouse or a spare garage. They must provide the labor required for the business to operate, often doing it all themselves with no help while pulling long hours and spending time away from loved ones. They must be able to acquire enough startup capitol to get the ball rolling, as you need to be able to pay for the land and the equipment required to operate.
In my case, equipment acquisition was far from overnight. I invested money, borrowed, and received gifts to acquire what I have today in the form of my studio equipment. I stayed away from credit, and own it all outright. This enables me to operate without the worry of credit payments looming at the end of each month, which allows my profit margins to be substantially higher. Not only do I owe less at the end of each month to keep the business going, but I paid zero interest on the equipment I have. This keeps my break even point as low as possible.
This doesn't mean I don't have debts. This doesn't mean I don't have bills to pay personally. I have credit cards to pay, and personal loans to repay. But I can't use any of the studios revenues for that purpose. If I were to do so, I compromise my business by stealing from it's assets. Anything that comes into the studio, I put back into the studio without exception. I have utilities and rent to pay, and will have inevitable equipment repairs and upgrades to pay for. I can't afford to wait for those things. I need to be able to take from the pool that the studio has earned and use it for the benefit of the studio.
If I were to take the money coming into the studio and use it for my own personal debts, it would seem logical to some. After all, I earned that money with my business, and I have those debts that need to be paid. But this sets me up to fail as it keeps me from investing in my business. It depletes my businesses ability to weather the inevitable dry spell. It keeps the finances of a business intertwined with my personal finances and makes book keeping a nightmare. It creates unnecessary risk that I cannot afford. If I were to take money from the studio revenues, it would be like operating my business paycheck to paycheck. To clarify the analogy, it is because I would always be worried about that next customer coming in to ensure that I could pay this bill or that bill.
At the moment, I don't take a paycheck from the studio. Every dime goes back to the studio. Every. Dime. Period. I do what I can to maintain a low overhead, and don't plan to buy anything on credit for the business unless absolutely necessary. I don't plan to upgrade equipment until it's necessary, and hopefully I'll have at least three months worth of expenses set aside before needing to make any upgrades. That way, if I make an upgrade and then face a dry spell for a few weeks, I'll be ok.
Dry spells are a part of business. Dry spells are a part of life. It's all cyclical, and depends on a million factors that none of us can foresee. I spent my 20's gambling with my financial future, and I'm done gambling. I won't life my life paycheck to paycheck anymore, and I won't operate my business in that manner either.
I've been thinking. Things have turned around for me in a quite profound way. I really don't have anything I can bitch about. I'm in a very happy place, and just feel blessed to have all that I have.
I feel kinda selfish about it though, even though I'm not really doing anything selfish. I guess I feel selfish because I've accepted such charity from those I love. I kinda feel like I'm taking advantage of someone giving me everything they can for my benefit. I don't like looking at it like it's just for my benefit, I would rather think that it's for OUR benefit, and the benefit of our future and family. Of course I speak of Laura and her amazing generosity. But without her, I'd have so little. With her, I have everything I could ever ask for. I have a family, I have children, I have a loving environment to go home to. I have the support emotionally to follow my dreams. I have someone backing my play so I CAN follow my dreams. I would have NOTHING if she were not in my life today.
Literally. I believe I'd be homeless. I would have NOTHING.
Although I like to believe that the things I've received are for the benefit of the collective household, I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that I do benefit. This makes me wonder why I deserve any of this, but I'm so happy now that I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Recently, I opened the studio. I wouldn't have the ability to have opened it at a new standalone location without her. The studio has been open for business since Monday, July 9th. I had my first booking on Wednesday, and have had one or more booking each day since then. Today, I just wrapped up a weekend with a killer band called Die Tryin. Tomorrow, I'll have a day off finally, but I still have things to do at my own leisure at the studio. So things have been booking up here. I'm booked most weekends through the beginning of August!
So I sit here and think about how long I've wanted to be able to take this plunge. I sit here in my control room after having taken the plunge, and I'm extremely proud to be where I am. It's the most wonderful feeling! But I can't take stock of what I have without thinking about why I have it.
Laura. You've given me everything. I will spend my life praising you. Thank you for everything you've given me. I love you from the bottom of my soul.
Three years ago today, I was visiting Arches National Park. I remember calling my father to wish him a happy fathers day for the first time, then I called Dad and did the same. (If you haven't caught on, Father birthed me, Dad raised me). Sarah and I then spent the day rolling through Arches National Park in areas that were more difficult to access, and hence away from the choke of the Fathers Day tourists. She drove a 4WD Ford Explorer, so we could go places most couldn't. There were some really cool sights there. I'd love to go back sometime.
Olive caught a tumbleweed there. One of her more adorable moments.
Two years ago today, I was getting ready to work one of my last days at King Soopers in Evergreen as we prepared to embark on what would become my life's greatest transformation. Fearing what she saw as inevitable budget cuts at the Jefco library system, and extremely unhappy at the hands of a tyrannical boss, Sarah went on the job hunt. She landed a job that took us back to Ohio, where we grew up and met 11 years earlier. She decided to take the job, and we began packing up to move away from the land that I had grown to love with every fiber of my soul. I had no idea how much of a pull the Rockies would have on me, and I lied to myself about wanting to move back. I would've done anything for her, and that included uprooting myself every two years to move to a new location (which hindered my ability to find any stabilization in my professional life), but I was happy to do it for her.
One year ago today, everything was completely different. The mountains were gone. Sarah was gone. My sanity was gone. I began lashing out in horrible ways at those I love in ways that I will be ashamed of till the day I die. Every aspect of my life was completely different, and every aspect of my life was utter turmoil. I was struggling for studio clients, and had lost my job due to a mass layoff. I was desperately waiting for unemployment benefits, and worried that I wasn't going to make it. I began dumpster diving for scrap metal to keep food on the table and gas in my tank. I was drinking. When everything in someone's life falls away like dominoes being knocked over, it's a very trying time. This was the great transformation I mentioned above, and I fear that without it I would not be the person I am today. I'm not the person Sarah left. I'm not the person my friends in Colorado knew. I'm not the person Laura reunited with in March of last year. I'm not the person most of the people I associated with a year ago knew then. I'm a completely different individual with a completely new set of goals and priorities. When you're broken down like that and forced to rebuild from the ground up, you're not going to recognize the new structure.
Today, everything is vastly better for me than it was last year when I was going through hell. I'm emotionally stable, and I've quit drinking. I've got studio clients, and I've got a stable roof over my head. 3 months ago, I became engaged to Laura.
Laura agreed to spend the rest of her life with me after everything I've put her through. She's one of the most selfless people I've ever met, and I have infinite amounts of admiration for her strength and spirit. She helped pull me through my struggles last summer even when I tried to force her out of my life because I was confused about everything. I'm forever in her debt for not giving up on me. I'm forever in her debt for helping re-stabilize me. I'm forever in her debt for the hell I've put her through. I've never loved anyone more than I love her. And she's given me two wonderful children, her beautiful twin daughters Celest and Lotus.
Celest
Lotus
To be honest, I'm very happy here. My first custom studio facility is about to open. I'm living in Columbus with my new family, and have been finally emancipated from Marion Ohio! I've fallen in love with my step-daughters, and every time they smile my heart melts. They are beautiful little women, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
After all I've lost, I've been able to regain traction on my life. I've found happiness and a new direction. I've replaced almost everything in my life that I had lost, and couldn't be happier.
But there's something missing.
I still think about Colorado all the time, and I still feel it's call regularly. I still long to see the beautiful panorama I took for granted every time I walked out the door. I still yearn for the cool and light mountain air. I still ache for the views that thrilled my soul every day. Witnessing immensely beautiful landscapes every day for two years that made my soul sing the praises of heaven became like a drug. Now that I'm away from anything that beautiful in nature, my soul hasn't had it's fix and is making me crazy from it's yearning.
When one gets accustomed to immense beauty that causes excitement of the body and mind, they can begin to rely on the jolt of adrenaline they receive when they are in those surroundings. When you take that away, the spirit yearns to be returned every day until the reunion happens. It's almost like weening oneself from a drug that takes a lifetime to exit the system. It won't let me go.
So here I sit, reflecting on everything that I have now, and I am truly happy here. But these thoughts about the mountains are once again making my happiness a bittersweet engagement.
The only solution I can see is to return, even if only for a momentary visit now and then, so that I can get my fix. I sound like a meth head, but that's how strong this is. It was just validated by a friend I met in Indiana who moved to Colorado Springs in January. She told me she's falling in love with the mountains too, which shows me that it's not just me. It's a deep spiritual calling for me, and I think she's starting to feel it too based on what she said.
Jen, eat it up. See what you can. Life can take you away from it before you're ready. See it all, over and over again, and appreciate it every day. Otherwise, you could become a whining mountain loving emo hippie bastard like me.....lol.
I'm starting to grow impatient. I've tried not to get here, but it's on a subconscious level at this point. I'm aggravated.
The studio is already 2 weeks behind schedule on it's construction. I've been told why, and I understand, but it doesn't aggravate me any less. There are clients left and right who want to continue work. It's very uncomfortable to work on an imac on a dresser in the corner of a bedroom with kids in the house. It's very quick headache material. But on the occasion that a client calls and wants an edit done that doesn't require my studio monitors (i.e. a splicing job), I can't tell them no just because I am not in an ideal work environment.
So I fight through the (literal) headaches that this not-ergonomically/not-acoustically-ideal-in-any-way set up brings with it to make sure the clients stay happy, and I don't mind doing it for the clients. My clients are awesome, and it's fun to work with them. But it also is really annoying on my side because my studio isn't done, and I'm forced to work in 9 square feet of space. This isn't the clients fault, and I'm not frustrated with the clients. I just want my promised studio to be finished already so I can get to living the American dream and what not.
When it IS finished, it's going to be an amazing thing to behold! It'll be meager compared to a lot of studios, but I'm a small business with a smaller budget and I see no point in going into debt to go into something that might fail. So in the interest of being fiscally responsible, I'm making sure I can afford what I'm moving into based on what I had coming in before the move.
What I had before the move was a house.
The control room was in a bedroom upstairs.
Before that, the control room was in the corner of a different bedroom. I had blankets on the walls because I didn't have a budget for acoustical treatment.
The live room was in the living room downstairs. This is the live room used by Enemy By Mourning, Liquid Ghandi, Project DIVIDE, Stimulus, Antiseptic Soul, and others.
Before that, the control room was in a bedroom in Conifer Colorado. I was not as good of an engineer then, and didn't really understand the need for acoustic treatment. My walls were bare. My computer was crap. It was very basic, and complicated to use.
But that was AFTER Bob Swanson helped me acquire some gear as a favor. Before that, I was so bare bones it wasn't funny!
So I'm very grateful for how much I've grown over 4 years, and how far I've come with my abilities. But still, the downtime is frustrating me and my clients. Work on Jovy's projects for F.R.O.E. Records can't continue till the studio is up. Work on Project DIVIDE can't continue till the studio is up. None of what I do can move forward until the studio is up and running…..
Lotus and Celest, my daughters to be, were born on June 21st 14 years ago. Knowing how much I love to travel, Laura suggested that we take the girls on a vacation for their 14th birthday this year. It was decided that we would spend a few days and head to Washington D.C., stopping in Virginia to see Shenandoah National Park along the way.
The girls have never had a trip this long. Their autism can make traveling a little challenging. So this will be an experiment to see how well they do on a trip of this length. But the girls love going on trips, and can get quite excited by the anticipation of a trip. A few months ago, Laura wanted to take them to the Newport Aquarium. Celest begged for an entire weekend to go to the aquarium after hearing of the plan. When we arrived at the aquarium, Celest and Lotus were both ecstatic!
The chance to take the girls on their first long vacation makes me happy. The fact that we're essentially going on a giant National Park Service tour thrills me! If you read this blog, you know I love the parks. Before Laura, I'd been to Yellowstone, Grand Teton, Rocky Mountain, Arches, Grand Canyon, Cuyahoga Valley, and a few national historical sites and monuments. Since then, I've begun collecting parks with Laura. We've been to Cuyahoga Valley, and Great Smoky Mountains. We got engaged at Great Smoky Mountains N.P., and have been taking photos of ourselves by the entrance signs of the parks since then (even though we only have two parks under our belts).
So the chance to collect our third park together with the girls in tow, and see Shenandoah National Park as a family altogether for the first time, makes me quite happy. I plan to get a photo of us all together by the entrance sign if possible. We plan to head from Columbus to the southern end of Shenandoah N.P. From there, we'll drive through the park along Skyline Drive as well take in the views.
After that, we spend the night nearby before embarking to Washington D.C. the next day. Washington D.C. is a mecca of the park system, as the park system also includes many historical sites and monuments. Driving and walking tours of the nations capitol are in order, and many photos will be taken! I'm excited about Washington D.C., I've never been. I'm admittedly more excited about Shenandoah, but I've always wanted to go and see the national mall and the Lincoln Memorial.
About a week or two ago, Laura told Celest that we were going to go on vacation at the end of June. She told her we were going to Washington, and since then Celest has been yelling to go on vacation to Washington. I let it slip last week that we were also stopping at a national park, and this doubled her joy! She's been yelling for a national park all week, and for vacation! Every time she yells for a national park, I get a huge grin on my face.
I'll discuss the trip, including photos, when we return.
Here I sit. It's been a good few days at home with the girls, but that can be exhausting even without the autism. But I'm worried.
The studio is behind schedule. There's an acoustical issue with the building that needs resolved. There's red tape with Grove City. There's an electrical transformer that needs to be shipped that's behind schedule. I only have so much of a budget and so much time to ride out that budget, and the clock is ticking fast.
So that gets me worried. What if I can't compete? What if I'm looked at and laughed out of the industry? What if these cats who are younger than me with half the gear (which isn't much) and half the skills undercut me and put me out of business (so they can propagate the scene with a shitty product)?
It's a mild panic, and I'll welcome that. But I won't dwell on it. The only way to know is to try.
To the woman that I'm madly, deeply, truly in love with.
You've shown me so many things. You've shown me unconditional love, patience, acceptance, sacrifice, tolerance, beauty, and hope. You've won my admiration with your strength and resilience, even if you scoff at the idea that I think you're strong and resilient.
You've made me see what it truly means to give yourself completely to the ones you love, without expectation and without condition. You've made me see what it is to let go of petty things and focus only on what truly matters.
You've made me want to be a better person in so many ways, and you've solidified a fighting spirit within me.
You've shown me what it means to be a family, and to love being a parent. You've shown me undying patience and grace.
And you continue to be an inspiring presence in my life.
You are the single most amazing woman I've ever met. Thank you for being in my life. I love you.
After my job loss, thanks to steps I had taken in Phases 1 and 2, I was able to stay afloat for a few months. Thanks to Laura, Phase 3 has now come to fruition and I've made it out of Marion once and for all. But now, thanks in part to all the life changes over the last 4 months and also to my own laziness, I've slacked off in school. If I haven't flunked out completely, it's time to completely rededicate myself to my education. Taking online classes was a good idea for my previous situation, but I had too many things going on at once to stay focused. Now that the proverbial fat has been trimmed, I've got more time to focus on my education. I'm going to talk to Columbus State to see if I can keep at it and start taking classes on campus this fall. I've got to call them, explain the challenges that I had to face before that are now out of the way, and explain my dedication to trying again. Hopefully, they'll see that I'm not just some pimplefaced teen who was being lazy, and will let me continue.
The thing is that now is the time to invest in myself. I'm taking the leap to make the studio a full time operation. That's an investment in my own career. I should also invest in my education to make my life better in the long term. Aside from having financial aid as a fall back in my personal savings, it's a good idea because of the long term benefits that can come from an education. I know that, for most people, an education no longer guarantees you a job. However, as an entrepreneur, I'm picking up that torch for myself anyway. If I fail, it's my fault. My education should be focused on skills that will help me stay competitive in my chosen field, so I'm going to continue the marketing courses. But I may change my major entirely and focus it more along sharpening my media production skills. The marketing stuff is pretty boring, especially when taken online. I think if I take classes on campus, it'll be easier for me to retain the information. I'm a visual learner, not a book learner. My distance from campus impeded my ability to reasonably make it to class. Now that I'm in Columbus, hopefully it'll be much easier.
So fingers crossed that I can continue the goal of a higher education this fall. I'm taking the summer off, and will focus on building the business. But come hell or high water, I will find a way to be in the classroom in September.
I moved in with Laura and the kids on May 31st. It's now June 4th. The first day I was kinda feeling like a freeloader, but that feeling is starting to subside. I have some downtime on my hands while I'm waiting for the studio to be finished, and I can't work until then, so I'm trying to do my best to be the proverbial housewife. I've been cooking, cleaning, playing with the kids, ect. I'm pretty comfortable here at the moment.
But I know that Laura's got a lot on her plate. The studio move wouldn't be a possibility without her getting a full time job, which she has done. Being an autism mom, it's hard to keep a full time job. But now that I'm in the house, I'm trying to give her a break when I can. I hope I'll still be able to do so when I start scheduling studio clients, but we'll see what happens. I may have to set a certain set of hours and days that I'm available based on when she has to work and when her respite workers are here. We'll see.
Laura's job is in an environment where she cares for the mentally disabled. That's all I'll say here, because there are privacy concerns and that's all she's shared. But she has to play mom to two autistic teens at home, only to play caregiver to adults with similar struggles 40 hours each week. It's literally her entire life now. I admire the hell out of her, and I try to be strong and understanding when she gets stressed.
Being a woman in her position is going to be stressful. I'm in awe of her patience, and try to be the same way with the kids. I try to cut her a break on the housework, which seems to be endless with the girls thanks to autism, and try to give her what she had with me at my house in Marion…..a break.
Now that I live here, she has nowhere to go to get away from the house and decompress. Not that she doesn't love the kids, but you have to have some me time too. So I'm doing what I can to give that to her. After helping with the girls all afternoon and taking them grocery shopping with her, I could see that she was getting frustrated. She normally sleeps in the main room in case one of the girls wakes up in the night and decides to become active. The girls need 24-7 supervision, so Laura sleeps where she'll wake up if they get up. While I was moving my stuff in, I came in at 6:30 am with a load of stuff from Marion to find that Lotus had been awake since 1am and so had Laura. She had to work, and was exhausted, so I helped her get the girls ready for school and then helped Laura to bed for the few hours of sleep she'd get that morning.
Last night, I decided to take the couch because it was clear that Laura needed a chance to get a good night's sleep. I decided that not only would I let her sleep in the bed undisturbed, but that I'd stay up most of the night catching up on housework. I finally passed out at around 5am, but woke up at 7:30 because the girls were up and at em. School is out now, and Blaine doesn't show up till 3:00 pm. Laura had some errands to run. So I stayed up. I crashed for a few hours when Blaine got here to watch the girls.
I realize this may seem like I think I'm being this big amazing person by doing these big amazing things and that I want big amazing credit for helping this poor defenseless woman through an ordeal. That couldn't be further from the truth. I'm merely recounting what I'm doing to help the woman and family that I love. I don't want any special recognition. I'm just doing what I feel should be done for my future wife and kids.
But the alone time with the girls is giving me the chance to bond with them. I'm learning a lot of things about them that weren't so evident when I first met them. I've grown to love them, and to care about their well being. I've learned to take the challenges Autism can bring in stride, because someone has to do it.
I still want to get the studio up and running as soon as is reasonably possible. But I am enjoying the downtime with the girls. I'm no longer feeling like a freeloader, but rather like I belong here.
Everything a person has can be forever altered by the actions of another. I've learned that lesson in spades over the last 24 months. It's led me to appreciate what I have, because nothing is finite. Everything is frail. All it takes is a small misstep, and it all can come crumbling away.
I don't want to go through that again. I lost everything I had and everything I was in early 2011. I went rather crazy with it, and treated the woman I now want to make my wife like a disposable piece of trash. I wounded her deeply, and played games with her. I try very hard to make amends, but I do not deserve her. I never will after what I've done to her.
But I am no longer in my dark insanity. I treat her like the beautiful loving woman she is, and I treat her how I truly feel she deserves to be treated. I try to remind her often that I love her more than life itself, and that those days have been behind me for some time. But I was afraid that with the move stirring up ghosts of my own pain from last year, that it might also stir them up in her.
I'm happy to be moving in with her. I want to make her my wife, and I want to be a father to her kids. But I know it's all in her hands. I know I only have what I have today because of her. I'd still be in Marion without her. I wouldn't have a family of my own without her. I wouldn't be able to move to a new studio without her. I wouldn't have a best friend without her. I wouldn't be happy without her. I wouldn't be able to live without her.
But all that I have is in her hands. I need to never forget that fact. I was happy in my previous long term relationship, but she wasn't. I was selfish, and she took it all away. I was selfish and a major dickhead to Laura last year, and will never ever ever deserve to be with her. But she says she wants to marry me, and I'm thrilled by that to no end! Yet, there is this thought in the back of my head that says "you may have her, but you scarred her! You'll never be good enough for her!" And that voice is speaking the truth. I'll never deserve her. I always need to remember that at an moment what I have with her could come crashing down. My life is in her hands.
So while she suffers with the pain and anger of my past mistakes, I'll suffer with the endless regret and anger and pain of my past mistakes. I'll suffer knowing that I made it this way. I'll suffer knowing that I deserve nothing less. But I'll honor her until the day that I die.
Despite everything I've put you through, I'll always love you Laura. I get sick when I think about you hurting, knowing that I caused it. I feel selfish expecting you to love me back. But I need you to know that you mean everything to me.
The things I did last year keep coming up to bite me in the ass. I fully deserve it, but still wish it would just bury itself and let me be happy. It would seem that this isn't going to happen anytime soon. I still wouldn't trade what I have for anything in the world, I am however cursed with the knowledge that I've tainted what I have, possibly forever.
Penance is a bitch.
It's like I just want to take the person I was and pistol whip him. I want to take so many things back.
In my opinion, to know Laura is to love Laura. I love Laura, and plan to make her my wife one day soon. But even though we've been engaged for a couple of months now and we're about to move in together, she never ceases to amaze me. Yes, I'm doing some praising in this post, but it's not because I want her to read it and get all gushy (if she read it, she'd laugh at me....)
But she's showing me just how strong a woman can be. I look at her, and I see a beautiful mother who has the unique challenge of raising developmentally challenged twin teenage daughters. This is a tough task, and even though it's easy to get frustrated in a situation like this, she handles her daughters with the most grace of any woman I've ever met.
Last week, I wasn't as graceful. I'm new to autism, I'll admit, but I had to get the girls on the bus and Celest had a fit that morning. Laura had to go to work, and the bus was on a two hour delay, so I was alone with the girls to make sure they got on the bus. Celest had a fit that morning, and I got flustered. I tried to handle them as graciously as I see Laura handle them, but after the bus came and took them to school I was frustrated.
I know Laura gets frustrated. ALL parents get frustrated. But despite this, I know that this fit was mild compared to what it could have been. It's the most I've had to deal with, but it's been worse for Laura. I look at how much grace she handles the girls with, and it makes me wanna man up. Situations like last week are gonna happen, and I need to be prepared for the fact that one day it's gonna hit the fan.
Warning: This paragraph will be cheesy. I taste the cheddar just thinking it, and my fingers are covered in cheese powder typing it.
Some people get through their challenges by asking what Jesus would do. It may not be Jesus, it may be someone they look up to and admire. Well, for me, that person would be Laura. I look at how she handles the girls, and although she's had 13 years of experience with them and I'm the noob, I know that even in the tough times she would not break her stride. She'll call me a liar, but I see infinite love and patience in that woman.
I want to be that for the girls.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm using Laura as a role model for the type of person I want to be when dealing with our daughters. It still feels weird to call them my daughters, even though it warms my heart to know that I'll be a part of my very own family soon. They will be my daughters, and her my wife. I want the very best for my new family. I've still got a lot to learn about autism from my new family, but I know that I can handle it too. Laura's done a great job over the last 13 years. I need to be able to do the same.
I started playing guitar when I was 10. Back then, my hero was Allen Jackson, and the first song that I learned to play that was on the radio was "Don't Rock The Jukebox". That was 1991, which was a pivotal year for music both nationally and for me personally. I was listening to Boys To Men, MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, and country. I wanted to be a country star! LOL!
Then something exciting happened. I was watching MTV, which I wasn't allowed to do (I had to sneak to watch it). The video for Nirvana's "In Bloom" came on.
I'd like to say it was an instant realization of how horrible what I was listening to was, and that I'd in one instant found a new musical direction in life. I can't honestly say that. I liked it from the start though, but I still listened to the pop and country. The Nirvana song did stick with me though, and aided in my conversion. The next one that I saw that really stuck with me and pushed me over the edge was Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters".
This one was a near instant hit with me. The beauty, the melody, the slow crescendo into all out fury…..
I started consuming more Metallica and Nirvana, and ditching the pop music and country music I'd listened to up to that point. Before long, it was grunge and metal all day with nearly nothing else even getting consideration.
The first album I ever bought was Billy Ray Cyrus's "Some Gave All". Then my rock / metal conversion happened and I stumbled upon a cassette copy of "The Black Album". This was the final nail in my country music coffin. Before long, I was collecting Metallica and Nirvana records. I remember driving with my family from Portsmouth Ohio to Philedelphia PA. I spent the trip lying in the back seat of the minivan with headphones on going through the entire Metallica catalog in chronological order to see if I could listen to it all before we arrived in Philly.
It was an exciting time for music. Some of the grunge rock giants were currently releasing music, like Soundgarden and Smashing Pumpkins. Nirvana was doing unplugged on MTV, and I soon would play guitar along to the entire unplugged album start to finish several times each week. I had completely abandoned my country and pop roots.
Around 1999, I started to convert back in minor doses to the pop side. 1999 was another pivotal year for music. We had Rob Thomas and Santana, Rob Zombie released Dragula, and Lauren Hill was singing about "That Thing".
In hindsight, this proved to me that I never really left some of my pop music tastes behind, but I wasn't willing to admit to any of my friends that I liked this song. All of my friends were metal heads, and if I liked pop it meant that I was not a real metal head. So I hid it. Over the next 12 years, I'd continue to suppress pop songs I liked, but I'd listen to them alone. When I'd get discovered, I'd get ridiculed by my friends or my girlfriend.
But back to the turn of the century, I was still a rabid rock music fan and I was still consuming current acts like crazy. Powerman 5000, Korn, Limp Bizkit (till I realized they sucked), were just a few of the acts that I listened to religiously. My love for Metallica was still undying, and my love for Nirvana was still on a religious level even though I no longer consumed them religiously. They were like the first love that will forever hold God-like stature.
But then something started to happen. I kept listening to modern rock radio, and although I liked bands like Breaking Benjamin and Audioslave, I wasn't driven to buy any albums from any of them. This could have been in part because of the ease of accessing music online, so there was no need to buy an album. This was more likely though because I was no longer as completely dedicated to it. The new stuff was good, and I'd still rock out like crazy in the car to some good songs that came on. But I was growing up, and the music was losing it's hold on me. It just wasn't that interesting anymore. Eventually, I lost interest in going to concerts.
As the first decade of the new millennium drew to a close, I had my own mp3 player. This was loaded with my favorite rock tracks, but I increasingly found myself listening to a few hip hop and pop tracks that I had found. These included
Missy Elliot
Mis-teeq
Estelle Ft. Kanye
I found the Estelle song because it was the hold music for a company I was calling one day. I was on hold for 10 minutes, and that song came on there. After that, I googled it and downloaded it. Probably the most interesting music discovery method I've ever encountered.
But still, my knowledge of music was still limited to rock and metal for the most part. Fear of ridicule kept me from really delving in.
Around the time that Sarah left me, I started working with Jovy in my studio. This was the beginning of my musical evolution. I was working with a good hip hop artist consistently, so I started doing some listening homework so that I didn't get it wrong. I started falling in love with the videosongs of pomplamoose as a way of distracting myself from the things that were falling apart left and right around me. I had stopped playing music for the most part for myself about 5 years prior, and decided to pick back up the guitar and be creative again.
I found myself lacking the threat of intimidation for liking a certain song. I found myself free to be honest with myself about what I liked and didn't like. I looked at modern rock and saw Five Finger Death Punch and Bobaflex being played way too often on the local rock station. The old songs I grew up on were still getting spin, but they were 20 years old and no longer held my interest. There was nothing new that was captivating and interesting anymore in modern heavy rock radio. I started listening to alternative hipster rock via iheartradio on KTCL 93.3 in Denver. I started listening for the first time in my life to hip hop and learning about the genre. I found favor in new hip hop….
…..and old hip hop…..
I still find myself listening to tried and true rock music, but it's no longer on the radio. I'm more likely now to discover new stuff via youtube and spottily than I am to go searching for it on The Blitz. The stuff on commercial rock radio just doesn't interest me anymore, and all sounds like a copy of itself. It's like the bird species that vomits on itself to make it unappealing to predators. I don't want any part of it.
But through the internet and the underground I've discovered some of my recent favorite rock and metal pieces.
Dream Theater
Arch Enemy
Eluveitie
So it's not as though I've abandoned rock music and metal music. Rather, the kind of rock and metal that's being pushed by modern rock radio is uninteresting garbage. Hinder? Really?
Thanks to Pandora, I've discovered that quite possibly my absolute favorite genre of music is soft electronic style music with a groove, piano elements, and female vocals. I've really been consuming Tori Amos, Fiona Apple, and Portishead like crazy thanks to Pandora solidifying my love for that sound.
Perhaps the biggest difference, aside from a lack of respect for most of what's on modern rock radio, is that now I'm free enough with myself to explore my musical tastes without fear of ridicule. Laura may laugh at something I like, but she's not gonna judge me for it. I know she hates Lady Gaga, but I like some of her stuff. I know she hates Madonna, but I grew up listening to some of Madonna's stuff in the early 90's. While those acts are far from regular listening material for me, I know she won't judge me for listening to them. So perhaps it's being given the ability to freely explore my musical horizons, coupled with the fact that modern rock radio holds no appeal to me. I no longer even listen to it. When I do, it gets turned off within 3 minutes. I'd much rather listen to a podcast, NPR, or my iPod.
