I got my tax return this morning, which means that while I wait for unemployment to kick in I can pay my bills. This gives me peace of mind, as while I was waiting for the IRS to process it (The IRS delayed refunds for those who filed early. I filed before January 26th, and Laura filed after Jan. 26th. Laura got hers several days before I got mine. That's what I get for filing early?), I was getting nervous watching my available cash deplete slowly.
But then again, it also makes me somewhat upset. This money was supposed to be used to expand my studio and pay for a vacation. I planned to buy new acoustic treatment, possibly a new audio interface, and then I planned to go to Colorado with Laura in June. Now after losing my job, that money is needed to live on, and while I'm glad I have it, I'm also pissed off somewhat that life threw this curveball at me.
It's not all bad. My stress level is way down from it's previous point a week ago. It seems like a month ago since I last worked, but it was only a week. I've had time to relax, take things slow, and sit on this money while searching for an ideal employment situation. I've had a few leads, as discussed, so fingers crossed.
But I still get upset thinking about it somewhat. I'm 31, vowing that I won't be broke when I'm 35, and I've been cut down from making $29,000.00-year to making $0. How the hell am I supposed to make this work?
It'll take some careful planning, but I do plan to make it work. I'll find another job before the money runs dry, use Ohio's safety nets if I have too, re-focus on my education goals, and dig out of this mess. Meanwhile, the wishful thinker in me wonders if I can bring in enough studio business to sustain myself now that I have some downtime to market it. That would be nice, but I'm not hedging my bets.
So yeah, I'm angry, but I'm thankful. The job loss is a double edged sword, both a curse and a blessing. I'll be ok with some really careful planning, and I will not re-adjust my goals for anyone or anything. I still have 2017 in my sights, and I'm still going to fight to achieve my 5 year goal.
I'm feeling good. My stress level isn't as high as it was a few days ago, which I attribute to me being given less stress in my day to day work environment after being laid off earlier this week. It's a sunny Sunday morning, and I'm loading Pro Tools to start mixing K Nacole's next track. In general I feel good.
It's been one year to the day since Sarah moved out. It was a Saturday, and it was snowing like crazy. I was at work, and I came home to an empty house with very little furniture in it. It was a numbing day for me, but one that cut to the bone. 12 years, gone in a day.
But today, I'm feeling well. I'm just a little bit down thinking about it, but I'm over it all. I'm only really down because I'm remembering the emotions of that day, and that's never fun. But I'm doing OK today. I've got a full plate today, full of audio work and homework. I've got a plan for where I wanna take my life. I've got a beautiful woman that I'm planning a lifetime of companionship with. I've got a 5 year plan in place to guide me to where I wanna go. I've got business ideas in place that I'm implementing. I've got a lot of aspirations. I've attacked my financial insolvency head on while I had a steady income, and now that I don't, I'm ok for the time being.
I've matured a lot over the last year. I've stressed myself out a lot in recent days, but that's falling to the wayside as I distance myself from my stress-inducing job. I still have an underlying sense of panic with the uncertainty of my finances, but I know that as long as I stick to my budget and put forth a real effort, I can manage what i have.
I've traveled a long and emotional road over the past 12 months, and even in the 4 months before it when Sarah started showing signs of changed feelings regarding our relationship. But I feel that today will be an important milestone, as it's now been one year of post-Sarah events. I only mark it because I feel I should for my own mental health. Knowing that every special occasion that will come up over the next year will have been preceded by that occasion without Sarah the year before will help me really be able to just live my life and not focus on the past anymore.
Laura says that I focus on anniversaries of events, which I find completely true. So the fact that this one is passing leaves me to feel that I can now fully just let it all go and move on in every way. I'm feeling somewhat freed by that knowledge.
So here we are, one year later, and I've weathered a mental hurricane. But I've come out on the other side, begun to repair the damage, and am now a happy and confident person again. I'm now excited for the year to come! Bring it on world!
It can be hard to stay optimistic in the face of a job loss, and I've been struggling with that since it happened. But quite frankly, I need to get over myself. I'm human, so I'm allowed to feel self doubt. But the true test is in how well I implement my own life philosophy.
"Shit happens. There's no reason. But the true test of self is in how you handle it."
Some say that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe that, but I don't argue about it with those who do. I just believe that life is random, and that there's no reason behind things that happen. Some look back at things that have happened, and see a good thing that comes as a result of those things happening, but I see them as separate where some see them as the reason those things happened to begin with. Not me. It's random, shit will always happen, and the true test of self is how you handle it.
So now I'm being tested. As a human it's ok to feel some self doubt right now. In fact, I'd worry if I didn't. I'm a human, and I have a ton of insecurities and a ton of self doubt that I deal with.
Last night, dispute telling myself that I was going to be ok, I couldn't escape the feeling that I'd failed. I even had Laura re-affirm what I'd said, which is that in just a few short months I was able to prepare myself financially for a job loss, and now that it's happened, I'm ok for a bit thanks to steps I've taken. I still felt like my goals were out of reach though, but as a human, I'm going to have those moments. That's ok. The future is uncertain right now, but then again, isn't it always? Now it's time for me to knuckle down and really focus on getting my life on the path I want it to be on. Now is not a time to fuck around. But allowing myself the chance to feel what I'm naturally going to feel is also essential, as I don't wanna be the guy who bottles anything up anymore.
I bottled up mom's passing for a decade. It tore me up. I bottled up a lot of things through the years, and they always tore me up. I'm 31, and trying to reprogram my brain to stop doing that. So it's ok to feel self doubt, and it's ok to feel the fear of uncertainty. But they can't rule me.
So to put a positive spin on it all, I was able to make things easier this time around thanks to the steps I put into place. That's a lesson that I need to learn, which states that what I'm doing is working. This means that I was on the right path to financial security, and when my income stabilizes again I need to keep those things in place. Ultimately, this means that I can reach my 5 year goal, and that I shouldn't get disheartened and give up.
This is a work environment that was implemented at Best Buy's corporate headquarters. This would be the ideal work environment for someone like me, as opposed to the micromanaged environment that I've had to put up with for years.
ROWE stands for Results Only Work Environment. In other words, they don't care if you're 35 seconds late for your break, because they aren't clocking that. They only care about the results of your efforts. Period. If you are producing results, they leave you be.
My last job was micromanaged far beyond belief. They hired temps so they could meet increased work flow quickly and easily, but shed them when things slowed down. I get why, it makes sense. You get 50 employees earning $14-hour sitting at the cubicle with nothing to do 5 hours a day, your company is hemorrhaging money. This is a smart and justifiable business move for them to hire only temps. I was one of those.
But what gets me is how tightly they scrutinized things. For example there was a 30 second rule on break time. This meant that if you went to break at 1:15:04, you had to be back from that break by 1:30:34. They only gave you a 30 second window. But the problem is that they gave you no means to monitor that, and I would often get dinged for it. I thought I was on time, but I couldn't see that I had gone over by more than 30 seconds. The other shitty thing is that as often as I was dinged for it, no one explained the 30 second rule to me till the day before I was laid off. So I had multiple infractions based on a policy that was not made known to the employee, and I looked bad. How the hell am I supposed to change it if I'm not informed? How the hell am I supposed to monitor it if I can't see when the seconds start?
I realize this sounds somewhat conspiratorial, but it seems to me that this was either a lack of judgement, an idiotic move, or an intentional move to help weed people out who couldn't follow procedures to the tiniest detail. There are other things that lead me to think it's the latter, but I won't go into them. I don't wanna get too in depth, because I don't wanna disclose anything about the employer (don't wanna be sued), and I don't wanna worry about them anymore because I no longer work there.
But it infuriates me. I scored consistently high. I commuted 50 miles to be there. I knew the work inside and out, often better than those seated around me. But they implement a policy like this, and give the employees no way to monitor it to ensure they are back on time?
When I asked how I was supposed to know if I was back on time, my answer was "One option is to come back from your 15 minute break after 14 minutes and clock in a minute early!"…………………………is that legal?
Regardless, I'm done with it. My rant isn't about the job itself, it's about the idiocy of micromanagement. You can micromanage something to the point that you'll always be able to find some mundane stupid policy that someone is violating, enabling you to have them by the balls and be able to shed them at any time. Or you can treat your employees like you trust them, and give them some slack and leeway. According to the ROWE model, showing trust in your employees is far greater than instilling fear into them. You can reduce turnover, and create a much more competitive and loyal work environment.....
.....but corporate America is a behemoth that is slow to change.
Now that I've lost my job, it's a stressful time, but it's a different kind of stress than the stress I was fighting when I had the job. I feel largely relieved, if that makes any sense, because that job did cause me some serious stress (compounded by everything else I was undertaking, so it wasn't the job alone). Now, that falls to the wayside, and the stress of uncertainty is predominant, but it's somehow a little easier to take. It feels like a fresh beginning, a new chance to start over.
So now that I've been given the chance to start over, I'm dedicated to de-stressing myself. Stress has been proven to build up plaque in arteries, which increases the risk of heart attacks. I'm 31, and feeling a lot of stress, so if I want to be healthy long term, I need to stop the cycle.
I've been listening to relaxing piano music, taking me-time breaks, meditating, and am considering taking up yoga. Laura brought some dumbbells, a kettle bell, and a jumprope over, and we've been doing exercises (she's kicking my fat ass, cause she works out regularly….I mean LOOK at this….)
(….then look at this, where my stomach is the size of the Great Smokies….)
(……so yeah…..lol). But one thing is certain, whatever I do to reduce my stress, it has to be done.
So I'm trying not to let the uncertainty get to me too much. It is what it is, and I've navigated these waters before, but it's never fun. Now that it's happened, it's time to focus on bettering myself, my situation, and my health. Stress relief has to be a major part of that.
I got laid off again. Damned temp jobs. I'm pretty stressed about it actually. It would seem that my stress levels that were accumulating (as mentioned in a blog post a few days ago) have turned so bad that I've been fighting stomach cramps with this news.
But it's not all bad news. I was starting to obviously wear thin with that job due to it's repetitiveness, compounded with the other stresses in my life, so part of me is relieved to never have to go back there. The last few days I went, I dreaded walking in the building. That's a sign that it should end, and it has now, but not by my choice.
On the upside, I've got time to focus on school and my other projects, and I can now look for a new job that won't (hopefully) be as stressful. I'm ok financially at this moment, so I'm trying to not worry about where my next meal is coming from until it gets to that point. I've already filed for unemployment, so hopefully that will kick in very soon.
I'm ok, and believe it or not the fact that I'm admitting the job loss to the blog is actually helping me feel better about it at this moment as far as my stress level is concerned. Thankfully, I implemented Phase 1 a while back, and now know how far I can stretch my current assets. Also, thankfully I've begun alternative income streams that, even though they haven't paid off yet (still working on sweat equity in those areas), will help reduce the impacts of this on me financially when they do pay off.
What breaks my heart is that my Colorado trip may not be able to happen in June, and that my move from Marion may not be able to happen by September now. So Phase 3 is on hold while I focus attention on patching up phase 1 and 2.
I won't let this deter me though. Believe it or not, I've been unable to function in the aftermath of getting the news, but now as I write this blog I'm touching on the undying confidence that I've got beneath the surface. I won't give up, I just have an obstacle to overcome. It's still very early in the scheme of things regarding my 5 year plan, and these things are going to happen to someone in the duration of a 5 year journey to self enrichment (spiritually and monetarily). I'm not going to give in, and I'm not adjusting my ultimate goal. I will have to adjust my vacation and moving from Marion goals, but that's a short term adjustment til I overcome this speed bump.
The thing I'm grateful for is that I've paid down two of my 3 credit cards. I now need any cash coming in to live on, so I can't snowball the last one yet (Fuck you NTB!), but that will come in time. Right now, I'm focusing on school, job hunting, and my various projects.
So wish me luck. Let's just hope the unemployment checks kick in soon, and let's just hope that this is one of those "blessing in disguise" deals.
When we were kids, life was care free for the most part. This was because we had others caring for us, and didn't have to worry about life's responsibilities ourselves. Life could be good in that situation.
Then some of us become adults, and don't know how to live without being looked after. These individuals can become dependant on others through life, as they never seek to take care of themselves.
Some of us become adults, and become worker bees. We work for a living just trying to sustain ourselves. We work ourselves to the bone just trying to keep up a certain standard, or to pay off debts, and never really are able to re-attain the worry free existence we had as children.
Then some of us become adults, and are able to become financially independant enough to actually live life care-free, regardless of what may come. These people don't worry about keeping up with anything, becuase they are able to take advantage of all that life has to offer them. They are either born into this, or work to attain it.
I don't wanna be in the first two groups. I wanna be financially stable enough to not have to worry anymore about anything. My poor upbringing, and the debts I have, are just two of the many barriers I have to overcome to get to this point. But if Bill Gates can do it, why can't I? I don't need to be the richest man in the world, I just wanna have enough diversified income streams that I don't have to worry about the rat race anymore and can just live life the way I would if money weren't a concern.
I look at all the wonderful things life has to offer. I look at how I've lived mine. I feel disgusted. I'm giving myself the arbitrary deadline of New Years Eve 2017 to turn the tables back in my favor (my 5 year plan), but this is gonna take some real work and strategic planning. Instead of just working for a living, I aim to establish self sustaining income streams that will ensure my financial viability. Instead of paying off debts for the next 30 years, I aim to snowball them and get them out of my life at the soonest point that I am able.
Life offers a lot of wonderful things to those who have the resources available to allow them to enjoy it. I'm going after my share. Fuck poverty. Fuck debt. Fuck uncertainty. That's no way to live.
