Optimism.
I normally have it in spades, coupled with the crippling downturn of anxiety that I always inevitably cycle through, only to find myself reeling back up toward optimism again.
It's a fun ride at the top, and I enjoy the view.
At the bottom, it's not a very fun place.
Welcome to the bottom.
As 2013 comes to a close, I sit here typing in a dark house. My girls are in bed, and I hope they stay there through the night. Laura's in bed, and I hope SHE stays there through the night. I sit here awake, and alone.
This morning I was feeling so optimistic. I hate these cycles. But here I am, at the bottom of the wave. I'm sure I'll be heading back up again just as soon as I can get my head in a different space.
But for now, all I can think about is being lonely. The one person I really want more than anything to spend time with is sequestered in bed with what appears to be a 60 day migraine (the chiropractor visit this morning didn't do anything either, so 2014 comes in on day 60). I've been picking up slack at home, and I'm trying to relax, but what I want is for her to feel better. The selfless part of me wants her to feel better so she'll be happy and vibrant again (she'll balk at the suggestion that she was ever that way, but I see it in her). The selfish part of me misses her. While she's in bed trying to suffer through what can only be indescribable pain, I'm downstairs being Mr. Mom (dinner, playing, supervising, intercepting meltdowns, doing housework). I don't mean to imply that I wasn't doing these things before she was smacked in the head with a migraine that will not stop no matter what doctors throw at her.
I know she'll read this, and she'll feel guilty for being locked away tending to her pain instead of being an active part of the household, and I can't help that. I hate that, but I have no one to really talk to at the moment about it. So here I am, posting my dirty laundry for the world to see.
Fact is, I want nothing more than for her to be better now. I'm more than willing to pick up the slack, and do anything I can to make her more comfortable. We're in this together, there is no I in this family. When one is down, we lift them up. So I'll do what I can to help, even if that's something simple to make her more comfortable.
Happy new year.
