Renew and review

I think I'm coming to a head with a few things in my life. Financially, mentally, physically…

The studio is a great asset, but let's be honest. It's not paying the bills. It has been barely breaking even, and now that revenues are down 25% it's practically not even doing that. So if I can't break even, I can' t profit. If I can't profit, I can't put food on the table at home. I'm working a job that, while tons of fun, is getting me nowhere in life. It's not advancing me or my family, and my family has to eat. So I've been working on a few other things to try to spur revenues and keep the bills paid.

1 - I got a job. I start next week at my first day job since I lost my call center job in February. It's time to face facts, this ship isn't sailing. It's merely treading water. Meanwhile, I've got a hold to dig out of. The first thing you do when you find yourself in a hole is stop digging.

This will be a temporary situation, but it will be a rewarding one. I'll be providing respite care for a family who has children with autism.

2 - I've also re-enrolled in school. This time, I'm going not for business or marketing. I'm going to re-sharpen my production skills. I'm getting work in this field, I wanna sharpen the skills I'm already using. I start in January, as long as my financial aid comes through, and I'll be taking classes on campus rather than online this time. After all, online classes were so easy to let go that when life got tough I let them fall to the wayside. Time to start fresh and go to campus.

3 - I'm starting a new business. CLMastering will offer audio mastering worldwide. Unlike the studio, where I'm paid per hour of my work (and therefore has limited growth opportunity because there are only so many hours in a day), CLMastering has unlimited growth potential and will cater to a worldwide market. More on that to come, but I hope to be active by February or March.

The bottom line is that I've seen the writing on the wall. My family needs me to bring it home, and if the studio isn't catching on it's time to focus on what will. I'll keep the studio open, and I'll hope it grows, but my back is against a wall. If something isn't serving my family, it needs to be lowered in priority. Period. I'll never achieve my 5 year plan if I don't turn things around NOW.

So the next few weeks will bring a lot of changes. Let's just hope they are for the best.

Healing

Sometimes I wonder if some wounds will ever heal. Sometimes I wonder how deep the damage I did actually was, and wish I could just take the pain away from those I hurt last year. Sometimes I feel like a very worthless human being.

There's no excuses for any of my actions last year. I lied, cheated, and was a very selfish bastard. It was the least proud moment of my life. I look back at it now and wonder who I was or how I could ever have been so cruel.

But it's been over a year since then. Wounds are healing. Relationships are much stronger than they were. But the scars of yesterday still show themselves, and sometimes….like today…..they bleed. Those I love bleed, and I can do nothing to stop it. Those I need hemorrhage by my hand and I can only watch and sit back feeling the immense guilt of my actions. Those whose lives I couldn't stand to be out of show the damage I caused to them, and it makes me hurt.

My only wish is to be able to take the pain away. My only want is to be able to make her happy. But I'm cursed to watch the woman of my dreams crumble under the weight of the emotional wounds I caused.

And it is in these moments that I am ashamed to acknowledge the person I was ever existed. It is in these moments that the guilt overcomes me and consumes me, and I long to crawl into a hole and die. It is in these moments that my resolve gets the better of me, and I can do no more……

….for I can do no more. I can only watch the suffering and pray that it will all be gone one day. I can only pray that the pain will ease, and the questions will subside, and the fury will be vanquished, and all that will be left is the perfect union of souls that I know exists between us. I can do no more at this time than to wait, and to be everything I can be to her and this family. I can do no more than to pledge my entire life to her, and to mean it, and to dedicate my every move to the betterment of my family. I can do nothing more than to be here and fight for our survival and for us to thrive……….and to wait by her side as she walks through the valley of the shadow of death alone…..until she comes through on the other side. I can only wait until that day when, by the grace of God, her wounds are healed and her spirit can be at peace.

…..and I will wait, patiently, even if it takes 5 eternities. I will do this, and so much more, for her. She's the only one who was ever worth it and she is the only one who will ever BE worth it.

And so I wait.

My lack of interest in modern rock music of late....

I started playing guitar when I was 10. Back then, my hero was Allen Jackson, and the first song that I learned to play that was on the radio was "Don't Rock The Jukebox". That was 1991, which was a pivotal year for music both nationally and for me personally. I was listening to Boys To Men, MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, and country. I wanted to be a country star! LOL!

Then something exciting happened. I was watching MTV, which I wasn't allowed to do (I had to sneak to watch it). The video for Nirvana's "In Bloom" came on.

I'd like to say it was an instant realization of how horrible what I was listening to was, and that I'd in one instant found a new musical direction in life. I can't honestly say that. I liked it from the start though, but I still listened to the pop and country. The Nirvana song did stick with me though, and aided in my conversion. The next one that I saw that really stuck with me and pushed me over the edge was Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters".

This one was a near instant hit with me. The beauty, the melody, the slow crescendo into all out fury…..

I started consuming more Metallica and Nirvana, and ditching the pop music and country music I'd listened to up to that point. Before long, it was grunge and metal all day with nearly nothing else even getting consideration.

The first album I ever bought was Billy Ray Cyrus's "Some Gave All". Then my rock / metal conversion happened and I stumbled upon a cassette copy of "The Black Album". This was the final nail in my country music coffin. Before long, I was collecting Metallica and Nirvana records. I remember driving with my family from Portsmouth Ohio to Philedelphia PA. I spent the trip lying in the back seat of the minivan with headphones on going through the entire Metallica catalog in chronological order to see if I could listen to it all before we arrived in Philly.

It was an exciting time for music. Some of the grunge rock giants were currently releasing music, like Soundgarden and Smashing Pumpkins. Nirvana was doing unplugged on MTV, and I soon would play guitar along to the entire unplugged album start to finish several times each week. I had completely abandoned my country and pop roots.

Around 1999, I started to convert back in minor doses to the pop side. 1999 was another pivotal year for music. We had Rob Thomas and Santana, Rob Zombie released Dragula, and Lauren Hill was singing about "That Thing".

In hindsight, this proved to me that I never really left some of my pop music tastes behind, but I wasn't willing to admit to any of my friends that I liked this song. All of my friends were metal heads, and if I liked pop it meant that I was not a real metal head. So I hid it. Over the next 12 years, I'd continue to suppress pop songs I liked, but I'd listen to them alone. When I'd get discovered, I'd get ridiculed by my friends or my girlfriend.

But back to the turn of the century, I was still a rabid rock music fan and I was still consuming current acts like crazy. Powerman 5000, Korn, Limp Bizkit (till I realized they sucked), were just a few of the acts that I listened to religiously. My love for Metallica was still undying, and my love for Nirvana was still on a religious level even though I no longer consumed them religiously. They were like the first love that will forever hold God-like stature.

But then something started to happen. I kept listening to modern rock radio, and although I liked bands like Breaking Benjamin and Audioslave, I wasn't driven to buy any albums from any of them. This could have been in part because of the ease of accessing music online, so there was no need to buy an album. This was more likely though because I was no longer as completely dedicated to it. The new stuff was good, and I'd still rock out like crazy in the car to some good songs that came on. But I was growing up, and the music was losing it's hold on me. It just wasn't that interesting anymore. Eventually, I lost interest in going to concerts.

As the first decade of the new millennium drew to a close, I had my own mp3 player. This was loaded with my favorite rock tracks, but I increasingly found myself listening to a few hip hop and pop tracks that I had found. These included

Missy Elliot

Mis-teeq

Estelle Ft. Kanye

I found the Estelle song because it was the hold music for a company I was calling one day. I was on hold for 10 minutes, and that song came on there. After that, I googled it and downloaded it. Probably the most interesting music discovery method I've ever encountered.

But still, my knowledge of music was still limited to rock and metal for the most part. Fear of ridicule kept me from really delving in.

Around the time that Sarah left me, I started working with Jovy in my studio. This was the beginning of my musical evolution. I was working with a good hip hop artist consistently, so I started doing some listening homework so that I didn't get it wrong. I started falling in love with the videosongs of pomplamoose as a way of distracting myself from the things that were falling apart left and right around me. I had stopped playing music for the most part for myself about 5 years prior, and decided to pick back up the guitar and be creative again.

I found myself lacking the threat of intimidation for liking a certain song. I found myself free to be honest with myself about what I liked and didn't like. I looked at modern rock and saw Five Finger Death Punch and Bobaflex being played way too often on the local rock station. The old songs I grew up on were still getting spin, but they were 20 years old and no longer held my interest. There was nothing new that was captivating and interesting anymore in modern heavy rock radio. I started listening to alternative hipster rock via iheartradio on KTCL 93.3 in Denver. I started listening for the first time in my life to hip hop and learning about the genre. I found favor in new hip hop….

…..and old hip hop…..

I still find myself listening to tried and true rock music, but it's no longer on the radio. I'm more likely now to discover new stuff via youtube and spottily than I am to go searching for it on The Blitz. The stuff on commercial rock radio just doesn't interest me anymore, and all sounds like a copy of itself. It's like the bird species that vomits on itself to make it unappealing to predators. I don't want any part of it.

But through the internet and the underground I've discovered some of my recent favorite rock and metal pieces.

Dream Theater

Arch Enemy

Eluveitie

So it's not as though I've abandoned rock music and metal music. Rather, the kind of rock and metal that's being pushed by modern rock radio is uninteresting garbage. Hinder? Really?

Thanks to Pandora, I've discovered that quite possibly my absolute favorite genre of music is soft electronic style music with a groove, piano elements, and female vocals. I've really been consuming Tori Amos, Fiona Apple, and Portishead like crazy thanks to Pandora solidifying my love for that sound.

Perhaps the biggest difference, aside from a lack of respect for most of what's on modern rock radio, is that now I'm free enough with myself to explore my musical tastes without fear of ridicule. Laura may laugh at something I like, but she's not gonna judge me for it. I know she hates Lady Gaga, but I like some of her stuff. I know she hates Madonna, but I grew up listening to some of Madonna's stuff in the early 90's. While those acts are far from regular listening material for me, I know she won't judge me for listening to them. So perhaps it's being given the ability to freely explore my musical horizons, coupled with the fact that modern rock radio holds no appeal to me. I no longer even listen to it. When I do, it gets turned off within 3 minutes. I'd much rather listen to a podcast, NPR, or my iPod.

….or maybe I'm just getting old……lol.

Lessons of a first time business.

I've operated Skyline Sound Studios in a residential area for years. The studio was always basically a collection of equipment and acoustic treatment that was made to look nice in the residence I happened to be occupying at the time. This month, I made the leap and leased space to put the studio. I'm official! YAY!

.....'cept that so far the services I need are more costly for a business than they are for a residence. This smacked me hard in the face, as I'm faced with $25 more per month minimum for a high speed internet connection than I'm currently paying at my residence. The kicker is that this connection is slower than my home connection, but since it's in a business location they will not install it as a residential connection. Evidently, the two are completely different logistically. Business service gets priority for bandwidth. Home service will slow down when the bandwidth is stretched thin. Business service will not. If I have a business that were using up 80% of the bandwidth available in Grove City, then that would slow down the internet connections of everyone who had a residential connection in Grove City so that I can keep my money making internet speed. That to me seems a bit unfair, but that's how it is.

I talked to my contractors last week, and they told me that I needed to have the internet turned on and wired before the drywall went up. At this time, the studs were in place but the drywall wasn't in. The electrical wasn't in. I had some time, but not much. So I start calling. I call Time Warner, and got my first dose of sticker shock. I call W.O.W., and though their prices were much more favorable (about 60% the cost of Time Warner's quote), the connection was half that of Time Warner.

So I ask them to tell me how much it will cost to do the install. Time Warner drags their feet and I hear nothing. W.O.W. does an on site check, and 3 days later alerts me that the install would be free. Then I ask her to clarify what that would involve, and she says it would involve the internet being tethered from the pole to the building. I clearly told them that I needed it wired inside, and reminded her of this. She said she'd check with her tech and get back to me.

.....that was Friday, 5 calendar days ago.

I talk to the contractor yesterday and inform him that the cable companies are being slowpokes and not getting back to me, so he checks with his electrician to see if he can wire it for high speed internet. Unfortunately, he can't, so I've been on the phone with W.O.W. and Time Warner for the past 90 minutes trying to get this sorted out. The contractors are ready to drywall in 48 hours, and once it's drywalled it's too late. They would either have to rip out the drywall to install the cable, which would be a waste of time and money, or tether the cable through the room in an insightly manner that would not look very attractive. I'm getting this space built to my specs, I want it done right damn it!

So I call Time Warner, who checks to see if they can expidite the installation. It'll cost me $100 to install, but they may be able to expidite the installation for me. Ugh. $100 to install, plus $90-month for slower-than-home internet? I'm not happy.

So I call W.O.W., and I get the rep whom I spoke to on Friday last week. She seemed stunned that the tech had never returned my call, but there is no missed call on my phone and no voicemail in my mailbox. I asked her if this would be able to be done in 48 hours, and she said it was doubtful but she'd have the tech call me.

W.O.W. was the clear winner with regard to price. But if W.O.W. isn't competent enough to call me to set up the install, and W.O.W. can't do it in the next 48 hours as I must now have, then Time Warner will win the contract at nearly double the cost to me. It would be more expensive for me to delay the opening of my studio just to save money on the internet bill.

But even then, Time Warner gave me no guarantee that they could get it done in time. I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by complete idiots!

On that note, the operators have been trying their best to accomodate me. I have no complaints about the specific operators. But I tried to shop around, and now my choice may have to cost me more because the cheaper option was too incompetent.

I guess you get what you pay for.

Thanks North Carolina / Colorado / Ohio

North Carolina today passed a ban on same sex marriage. Many of those supporting it allegedly did not know that the bill would also ban civil unions, and when informed they stated that they would not support it. Well, it's too late for that now. The facts about this discriminatory legislation were evidently muddied and now it's been passed.

The same thing happened in Ohio during the Bush administration. Members of my own family who supported the discriminatory same sex marriage ban refused to believe me when I told them that same sex marriage was already illegal in the state, and that they had now banned civil unions. Way to research your facts before you vote.

Colorado was holding a vote on civil unions last night in the house, but the republicans filibustered. They spent time talking about the lack of trans fats in Oreo's. Eventually, the Colorado house ruled that there would be no vote on civil unions.

I've become used to bigotry in my home state of the buckeye. I grew up surrounded by racists, and was taught the N word before I knew any better. I used it casually as a kid, and am appauled at that now. As soon as I was old enough to realize that it was wrong, I stopped. But those surrounding me made me feel that I was in the minority in my open minded beliefs. So it's little wonder that the same closed minded people would be closed minded at the thought of same sex marriage. I wasn't that surprised. I have faith in my fellow man, but no faith in the uneducated racists I grew up amongst.

But North Carolina, and Colorado.....

I'm disappointed in you. Stop marriage discrimination. End marriage inequality.

Strip away the gender of the person in question. Strip away your religious beliefs.

How can you tell one person they can marry their significant other, and another that they are disgusting for wanting the same right?

610 WTVN's Hot Mom Contest.

In Columbus Ohio, we're not a huge radio market. We are a market full of the typical morning show, with the "zaney morning zoo" or the "disgusting shock jock who offends". We've also got the AM political talk and newsradio station, which in this case is 610 WTVN. It leans conservative, but I've worked there before and they had local talent that didn't bring up politics ALL the time.

They would occasionally try things to get ratings, which is exactly what they should be doing. It's radio. Without listeners, they can't deliver the product to the customers. The listeners are the product, and the customers are the advertisers. So they do what they think will get people to listen, trying to generate hardcore fans of the stations broadcasts. These fans hear the ads played on the station, and shop at the advertisers businesses. The advertisers are paying for exposure to an audience, which is how radio works.

So it's no surprise to me that things will get done to engage the listeners and try to get ratings. It's their job after all! I remember being in the newsroom one day when John Corby broke the worlds record ON THE AIR for stuffing the most hamburgers in his mouth. It was as disgusting as it was entertaining.

I had respect for the station, even though I didn't agree politically. I knew the people, and I knew them to be good people. But I moved away from Ohio in 2006 and left that job. I've kept in touch with some of them since via facebook, but I digress.

Lately I've noticed that this respectable talk radio station is confusing itself with the local shock jock morning zoo station. They've started a "Hot Mom" contest, in which you would submit pictures of hot mothers. Aside from finding entertainment in the objectification of women deplorable, I can't believe that a respected talk / news outlet would stoop to this. This not only seems to not be catering to the demographic I was under the impression that they should be catering to, but it's a step above fart jokes on a station that many respect for their higher standards of radio. Using sex to get ratings? Who are you, Howard Stern?