Snapping....

I've been getting stressed out a lot lately. I think I need some serious Me time. I'm starting to feel like everything is compounding, and I need to walk away for a bit.

Its 9 degrees in Blacklick Estates today. The pipes in the kitchen are frozen, and although they haven't busted, they make it a huge hassle to wash the dishes. The dishwasher feeds off of that line, so it's handwashing time. But since the pipes are both frozen, we have to bring water in from the bathtub to do anything. This is a Major hassle, and even though Sylvia is doing them today, just knowing that it's fucked up is enough to cause me to want to scream. We've been trying to thaw them for a day now, and no luck.

Also, the door to the basement is coming off of its hinges.

I have no money, and couldn't really afford groceries for the house last night, but if I have to rent at the business late in order to keep my kids fed, then so be it. The paperwork for my new job, that I've been working at for 3+ weeks now, just came in for me to submit in order to get paid. I may not get my first check til Feb 1st, and other revenue streams are completely dry. Right now, with the holidays having just passed, no one's beating down the door to the studio, so I'm not pulling in anything right now at all.

There would be some hope in knowing that my overage check would be here soon, as school starts on the 14th of January. They would have to have the check to me in time for me to buy my books....BUT, Columbus State's new policy fucks me on that one. They keep the money at the book store for the first two weeks, then disburse it to you after you've bought the books. They did this to fight people using school as a way to pay the bills, then not going to class. Ok, I'm falling in the "I need the school money to pay the bills" situation right now, and I understand where they are coming from, but this is REALLY fucking me right now.

My dad said he'd send me some money early for my Birthday, which is the 23rd, but it's probably not gonna be enough to cover things.

I'm on edge constantly, and I just feel like it's all against me. If I can get on top of it, I'll be ok. But it'll take me at least a month to get there. During that month, my resources will run completely dry, and I'll have to figure something out. I'm considering selling plasma again, which I haven't done since last time I was in College. I'm also looking for anything I can sell at the local pawn shop to keep something coming in.

I'm about ready to snap. Photography isn't helping me. Time alone isn't helping me. I think I need to just spend a day at the studio working on my own projects and de-stress. I'm gonna try that today, as I'm gonna work on The Metal Shop today as well as Project DIVIDE. I may even work on some of my solo music.

I just need a day away.

Fight

Ok, I'm ready to throw down. I know what I want. I allow myself to feel pity and get upset, because I'm human and it's ok to feel those things. But I've allowed that enough for the night. No more. I'm back in fighting mode. I'm gonna get the fuck out of this financial funk and live my life on my fucking terms if it fucking kills me in the process!



Calming down a bit, I'm starting to think that my entire anger and abandonment issue stems from the fact that, going it alone financially, those things are all now no longer accessible for me. It's hard, because before when I had another income in the house, we'd go on trips and everything seemed at my fingertips. That was a wonderful feeling, being able to get in the car and go to wherever based on a little planning.

But now, going it alone financially, I've tried this fucking Colorado trip twice and have failed at least once, maybe twice. If I can't get a better financial picture by June, it's not gonna happen. This fills me with fury about the fact that I can't seem to make this one simple task of going somewhere for at least a fucking vacation come to be. I can't seem to make it back to the place that I do consider my home in many respects.



So yeah, I'm pissed. But I also now am wondering if anyone else has had such withdrawals over a location like this, or if I'm just fighting a major obsession? It's not a topic that gets discussed that often, and I do wonder if this is all just in my head, or if this is something that others are dealing with too.

Now it's time to get over that and continue getting my life back so I can have the things I want out of it. Fuck sitting idle. I've spent too much time today on my ass.

Stuck

I hate feeling stuck and helpless.

I hate the feeling when someone you love is suffering because of shit that someone else did to them, and knowing that no matter what you do, you aren't going to be able to stop that suffering. It's a useless feeling. But then, I also hate the questions that go with that. Do I reach out to the person, or give them space. Do I leave them be, or go try to comfort them and refuse to leave their side. What do I do? That's the question that's killing me today.

I would do anything for her, but I just don't know in what capacity I should be there for her right now. I don't know what to do. To stay in Marion and not go help her seems selfish, but I can't imagine what she's going through so I can't say that going to Reynoldsburg to be with her would be helpful. If it were me, would I want to be left alone, or would I want someone there? I can't imagine it being me because there's no way possible that I could put myself in the situation, hence I can't relate in any way. I can relate on the anger, and I can empathize on the pain and betrayal, but I can't truly know what she's going through. In a case like that, I can't put myself in her shoes to see what I would want, and act accordingly.

I'm in limbo.

The last thing I wanna do is make it about me, because it's a whole hell of a lot bigger than that. But this blog is where I turn to sort things out, hence this post. She knows I'm here for her in any capacity, and I've told her that nothing is an unreasonable demand right now. Logic is telling me to just stay put and be productive, but to also be available. My emotions are telling me to run to her and try to ease her pain.

Laura, I love you more than life itself. I'm here for you no matter what, through anything.

Oh, and yeah, I'm not mentioning what happened for a reason, k ;)

Robbed

I feel kinda robbed. I know this is no one's fault, but Olive's now gone. I feel robbed because I didn't have her much over the last year, and I kinda feel like I was cheated out of being in her life. I feel robbed because it's kinda symbolic of everything I lost last year still deteriorating. Again, it's no one's fault, and the practical side of me knows and acknowledges this. But I still feel what I feel.

I feel angry at the person who let Olive out of the house without watching her, considering that it's not a fenced in yard at the corner of a VERY busy intersect in Columbus. But it is what it is She's gone.

I need to be careful what I say, because I need it to be clear that I'm not casting blame. But I do still feel robbed, and angry. I couldn't sleep last night till just before dawn, because I couldn't allow myself to not distract myself. If I stopped distracting myself for a few moments, it would creep in. So instead, I played video games, I drank Jack Daniels, and I watched netflix until I knew that sleep would only be a few seconds away. That didn't come till just before dawn.

I stopped by Sarah's house last night and saw Olive. This was the first time I'd been to her new place, and it helped make it real in my mind that she was gone. I've realized I need to do those things when grieving, because when mom died when I was 9, I came home from school and she was just gone. It took me a year to cope with it, because it was as if she just disappeared.

When I saw her last night, I wasn't sad. I didn't cry. I was very matter of fact. But when i left, I had a growing tension in my brain that continued to grow until I was able to get some ibuprofen, and then it retreated slowly. It comes back when I think about the tension.

Sarah keeps apologizing to me. It's not her fault, unless there's something else she's not telling me. Even if that's the case, it is what it is and I need to grieve and move on.

You see, Sarah and I were that sickening couple who didn't have kids, and who treated our animals like our kids. We put every ounce of ourselves into the animals, and loved them like children. It was heartbreaking to see Olive and Pingu (her cat) move out. But now it's even more heartbreaking to see Olive taken by this senseless accident. I feel cheated out of Olive's life, and I feel a lot of anger toward the person who hit her with their car.

And about that, if I ever find you, I'm going to cut you. I don't give a fuck what kind of busy street it is, if you hit an animal and don't stop to see if it's ok, you're evil.

I've been quick to fly off the handle today at people for their nonsensical beliefs that they post on Facebook without putting any real thought or logic into what they are writing. I've been quick to get pissed off at people, and just in general feel really really shitty.

All I wanna do is drink, but I'm afraid to do that because i know it's a coping mechanism that could easily lead to alcoholism.

And then there's the underlying anger that was already there about life in general that this situation is compounded by. I can't seem to get my shit together, and I can't seem to get myself out of this. Everything I knew over the last decade of my life is gone, or marred, and I can never get it back the way it was.

I'm just sitting here idly while I feel all this anger just boiling up inside of me, and It has no outlet save for this blog.

When I drove home last night, I remember feeling that sense of isolation again, that I was pulling into a prison where I could reach no one, and where I was too far away for anyone but Laura to want to bother to come see me. It's not a good feeling to know you've got so much on your mind to work through and know you have no one to help you through it.

I try to think to myself that I need to focus on my goals, and work. But I know that today is likely a throw away. I didn't get up till noon, and I've done nothing all day. My back hurts, my head hurts, and all I wanna do is drink and not think about life.

Maybe I'll give in to that today, but then after today I need to put the bottle down. It's not going to do me any favors. But maybe for now, it's better to just be numb. I know, that's the last sensible words an alcoholic says before diving into his demons for the first time, but I've got a third of a bottle of Jack downstairs and its calling me.

So I'm gonna just call today a write off. I'm gonna do my homework, then waste it away. I'll be back from this, I just need today.

I'm Numb.,

I'm numb. I've lost a lot that I used to have, and value, and some of it will never come back. Some of it I've got to fight to get back. Some of it is just gone forever now……and that includes Olive.

So much has been taken from me over the last year that I'm at a breaking point. Every time I take a few steps forward, I get knocked off my feet and forced to start over.

With news of the death of my beloved dog, I'm numb. I cried, got angry, hit things, and started trying to play the blame game. According to the Kübler-Ross model, all of that was the usual order of events when something happens.

First comes Denial. I didn't wanna believe it.

Second came Anger. I came to this one really quick, and tried to blame. This was needless, and senseless, but considering the circumstances it was a step I had to go through. I fought to keep a level head, but I was really angry.

Third comes Bargaining, which I could skip, because there was no use at that point.

Depression was the 4th phase, and I hit that hard. I cried, and cried, and went back to anger, then cried again.

Stage 5 is acceptance. It still doesn't seem real in some ways, but I'm now somewhere between phases 4 and 5, meaning that I'm still really sad, but I'm trying to get to the point of knowing that there's nothing that can be done and trying to move on with my life.

It still doesn't seem real though. I can't imagine it being true.

It makes me angry about everything that's been taken from me over the last 12 months. It makes me wanna say Fuck this life, and make me wanna be as productive as I can be to better my situation. It makes me wanna leave all this bullshit and baggage as far behind me as I possibly can. Too many things have gone wrong in too short a time period for me to wanna live like this anymore.

I know that now and then I say "It's time for me to start kicking ass and changing things", and well, tonight is no different. I'm going to ignore this for now, and go do something useful. I had two sessions at the studio that couldn't happen, so I'm gonna go out and try to drum up some new business. Fuck sitting stagnant on my hands waiting for people to see my Craigslist ads. Fuck waiting for the artists I've worked with till now to bring some attention to me as a producer. Fuck waiting and doing nothing, It's time I got off my ass and changed my life.

It ends now.

Panic.....

I've been struggling for the past 50 weeks to regain a footing on my life, and right now I'm panicked that I could slide backwards yet again. The company I'm assigned to through my temp agency is rumored to have started lay offs again due to lack of work, and having been one of those laid off over the summer, I'm freaking out just a bit. If the phone rings, and it's a 614 number that I don't recognize, or it's my agent at the temp agency, I'm going to be freaking the fuck out.

This comes ONE SINGLE DAY after I pay off my chase credit card, reducing my monthly expenses by a little, but increasing my net worth by another $500. I now have this card to use as an emergency fund, but having just paid it off twice in the past two months, I do NOT want to need it yet.

But the thing that's got me panicked is that I just drained my small savings (ok, it was like $160, but still), and combined that with the liquid assets I earned from the studio to pay off that credit card. That credit card will not help me when it comes to paying rent, unless I take out an expensive cash advance.

It's just a rumor, I haven't seen it in action yet. I need to keep positive, but it's really difficult. I'm freaking out. I need to remember that I've got other income streams in the works, and I need to hustle to get those finished so I can push the hell out of them and hopefully earn some money from them.

I also need to start looking for a new employment situation, just in case. And the shitty thing is that even if I find a new employment situation, that won't be certain either. There's no such thing as job security, and I could leave my temp job for something I feel more secure at, only to lose it more quickly than I would have lost my temp job, and then the temp job could be gone, and I'd be screwed either way. But that's the risk you take in life, there's no sense in not acting because of the risks. Life is risky, and nothing is EVER certain. You shouldn't let fear of what MIGHT happen hold you back from trying to better yourself, even though that fear can be crippling.

And as I sit here, debating whether to start pushing the studio harder with my free time or to start applying for jobs (a task I can never seem to focus on….I HATE resumes), just the fact that I'm typing this blog is calming me down a bit. I need to remember that at this moment, I have not received the call from the temp agency. At this moment, I still have the temp job. At ANY moment from August to now, this job could've gone away. I need to remember these things, because essentially nothing has changed. I've made personal progress since the last layoff, and have been making strides to reduce my debt. But if it happens again, I need to stay focused financially and not let myself slip into the depressed reckless spending habits that screwed me up in October during my cancer scare. I need to keep my focus, and keep my wits about me.

Sure, it's scary, but at this point nothing's changed.

Let's just hope it stays that way a bit longer.

funk.

Hi Blog. How you been?

I like having a blog like you to turn to, it gives me an outlet to unload my problems and thoughts.

The past 24 hours has been quite well, thank you! Jovy came to the studio with F.R.O.E. Records to put down tracks for Jovy's first release, and earlier today I was recording country demo's for Darron Docie. Fun times.

But I'm not having fun right now. There are things that are looking well for me, but I find myself in a funk. I'm kinda stuck here actually, because I'm not very proud of myself.

I've let guilt sink in. I feel guilty because I am guilty, I've done some horrible things over the summer of 2011 that cut some deep emotional scars into the person I love. What can I say, no one's perfect……and yes, I now believe that I was clinically depressed during that period. I wasn't thinking clearly, and I regret some of the choices I made every day.

Do yourself a favor. Take a virgin forest in a pristine wilderness area. Now, on the count of 3, burn 1/3 of it down. The forest is still there, for the most part. And look, now you can see the damage you've caused. That's a good analogy of what I feel I've done. I've taken something beautiful and scarred it out of ignorance and self mindedness, and now that I realize how much I valued everything I scarred, it's already marred by my presence.

The amount of guilt that I have is immense, and I do feel in some weird way that I deserve to feel this way. I don't want to feel ok with what I've done.

It's enough to make me feel, for a fleeting moment, that none of what I have now is real. It makes me feel that I'm just sleeping in my bed in Conifer, and that I'll wake up any moment now. My life won't have fallen apart in 2011, and I won't have spray painted the trunk of the most beautiful tree in the forest.

It all makes me hate myself and hate where my life has gone over the past 19 months. This is only fleeting, and I realize that. My uber confidence will kick back in later tonight, and I'll be firing on all pistons again. But it's ok to feel these things, because these are human things. So right now, I'm allowing my guilt and escapism have it's moment.

I realize I'm obsessed to a certain point with where I used to live, and with how my life used to be. But who can blame me? Even if we both lied about our contentness with one another, I had a companion that I hadn't scarred. Even if we were only scraping by, I was living in the most majestically beautiful place that I've ever seen. Even though I'm now more aware of my financial state and of how to fix it, I was in oblivious bliss when I lived there.

In other words, even if they were only a facade or my own ignorance, things didn't seem so hard for me there. I long to escape back to a day when that is the case yet again, but I look ahead at my life and I see only more obstacles and struggles.

….and then I see the person that I can't picture living my life without……

…..and I see the scars I've caused……

it makes me wanna just run away from everything.

I realize that right now I'm just in a funk, and that later today I'll be back in the saddle trying to fight the good fight and continuing to reach for the proverbial bootstraps. But being human, I should allow myself to feel like a piece of gutter trash when that feeling comes through. It should have it's moments so I can work through them and move on. I don't have time for emotions to stay hidden and fester. I need to work them out now, and move on.

So thank you for listening Blog. You're always such a great listener.

Why it's a big deal.....

I'm planning a trip to Colorado in June. This has been discussed here, and one of the things that makes me feel optimistic is knowing that I'm planning this trip. But here I am, 5 months before the trip, looking at my financial outlook over the next few months and worrying if I'll be able to afford the trip after all. This would be a major esteem blow, and I can honestly say I'd feel trapped if I had to put this trip off for yet another year. I can't stand this feeling, and I'm growing increasingly pissed off that my money situation isn't improving.

This trip for me is a priority. It's a symbol that I can make my life be what I want it to be, and that I can accomplish my goals. It's a call to action to get my shit together and work toward a goal, and will help me solidify my convictions to get what I want out of life. It'll help show me that if you work hard,  you can achieve your goals. It'll help show me that I can overcome the shitty place that I find myself in, which is a huge deal to me.

Most of all it'll help me see that I am not to fall victim to the shitty place I was left in.

Yes, it's just a road trip, but for me it's a big deal for those personal reasons. If I can't make this trip happen...............?

Misteps.

Well, the train has been derailed again.

I fudged a calculation on my budget spreadsheet, and now I find that I've not only overdrawn my bank account and will be incurring an unfair NSF fee of $46, but may not be able to pay off the credit card this week as I originally planned. It's embarrassing, but here we are. I'm trying to find ways to bring in more cash flow to the house, but I'm also limited by work hours for the holidays......

.......yeah, it's January 10th, and I'm limited by work hours for the holidays. At my Monday-Friday 9-5 day job I've had December 26th off, January 2nd off, and will have January 16th off. This means that for 3 out of 4 weeks, I'm getting 30-32 hours each week instead of 40. This is a big deal for an hourly employee, and I'm kind of pissed that we would have so many holidays off in a row. It makes this whole thing even tougher to manage. I'd have been able to avoid the NSF I now have if I had worked a full 40 hour week over the last two weeks (......or if I had been more scrutinous of my spreadsheet calculations), but I'm starting to get to a point where I can't afford the income of this job if they don't start working me a 40 hour week. At this rate, I won't have regular 40 hour pay checks again until mid February.

The Enemy By Mourning record is finished, and now I can book other clients to bring in more cash flow to the studio, but I don't have any concrete bookings. I'm recording Jovy on Saturday, but that's for my label, so there's no cash coming in from that session. I'm possibly working with an artist on Sunday, but they haven't responded to my work agreement, and until that has been responded to it's not a solid booking. So that's not a guarantee. And now that I'm off of my day job Monday Jan. 16th, I'm trying to get studio bookings that day at a discounted rate. So far, no bites.

Obviously the only income I can project on my budget spreadsheet is the income from my day job, since studio bookings are virtually non-existant at this time and overage checks and tax returns are not a constant. The only way that I can see right now to keep the bills paid that I need to pay and keep myself from being in perpetual NSF with the bank is to not pay off the credit cards this weekend, which makes me feel like a huge failure and a dissapointment to the family members who gave me money to pay on them last fall (quick recap....I paid one off, and then needed brakes, so it was maxed out again after 3 days. The other, I needed the cash for other bills. I pledged to pay them off in January with money I was recieving, but here we are........).

I have a balance from a good faith client that needs to be collected. I've unsuccessfully tried to collect this on a few occasions, but the client has always paid toward his bill so I can't collect this aggressively. Better to have the client happy and paying in increments than to collect aggressively and cut off the revenue stream. In other words, on a business sense, it's in my best interest to not piss off this client and keep the revenue stream open.

Other than that, it's been tough. I fight, I budget, I cut out the fast food, I don't spend frivelously, but each month it's within single digits of not making it. It's cutting it too close. I've taken up ramen noodles again as a cheap source of food, though not on the same level I was eating them at after Sarah moved out. Now with winter gas bills at play in a large energy sucking house (I really need to move, but that takes MONEY!), I'm just thankful that we've had a reasonably warm winter in Ohio so far, although my gas bill is still tough to pay.

I've resigned myself to bundling up like crazy, and when I cook using the oven, I leave the oven open when I'm done to allow the heat to fill the house. Why waste the heat? I have a dishwasher that hooks up to my kitchen sink, and instead of using the hot water tap I use cold. The dishwasher has a heating element inside of it, so why should I pay to heat the water twice? I use an electric blanket at night, allowing me to turn the house thermostat down to the mid 60's, which in this house is more like the mid 50's. I budget, I scrimp, I try to save......

I think the thing that really pisses me off here is that money has been so tight, I can't get more coming in, and the amount that is coming in has been decreasing due to holiday time off. If i could just get more coming in, I'd be ok. I was ok in October before I got depressed after my cancer scare and let my spending habits get out of control again. I know I can do it. But the problem is that I've been paying for Octobers irresponsibility since then, and there's no end in sight. The thing that really pisses me off about that is that I didn't do anything really drastic then! I didn't track my spending, but I didn't go out and spend a lot of money either. But I was spending more on junk food and fast food (comfort items since I was stressed), and had time off of work that I simply could not afford. Then there's the medical bills (don't get me started.....). I drained my savings to keep my rent paid, and now I have almost nothing saved and can't get back on top. I plan, but there's always something that derails that plan. I do not want to live a life of perpetual poverty, so something drastic has to change.......NOW.

I realize though that I'm stressed, and that I shouldn't allow that to prevail. I just need to keep it all in perspective. I'm infinitely better off than I was over the summer, when I was unemployed and borrowing money to keep a roof over my head. But I'm on the rim of the fabled canyon, and could go over at any time. I have so far to go to get to my 5 year goal, and when things like this happen in the beginning it makes it seem like I'll never get there. I just need to try to remember that the things I'm putting in place now will make it easier to achieve that goal in the future. The baby steps that form the foundation show the least visible results, but are vital in building the house.

.....still, I may be digging the pit for the basement, but I wish I could be painting the shutters by now.

Dawn.....

New dedication

The last two weeks have been horrifying for me. I've been utterly and completely terrified at the possibility that I might have been developing cancer, and also scared of the possibility of having an ulcer. Fortunately, it turns out that I'm fine. Worst case scenario, I'll be glued to a daily dose of Prilosec OTC for the rest of my days. Best case scenario, they took a biopsy to check for a bacteria that, when erradicated, would likely eliminate my Acid Reflux!

So good news abounds!

But I've been through the emotional ringer during the last two weeks. There's a lot to cover, so bear with me. But you know that savings that I had acrued in case of emergencies? Well, that's mostly gone, and I have less than $100 in my savings at this point. So how did that happen, and what am I gonna do about it?

Monday, Occtober 17th, 2011.

I start having pains in my abdomen that felt like rocks moving through my intestines. This happening spurred Laura to state her concern about the possibility of an Ulcer, and urged me to get my reflux checked. This started during my last hour at my day job that day, the same day that I was asked to take on a new task at my day job, and I was really excited about that. That was very short lived with this new concern about my health. It was made known to me that it could lead to esophagial cancer, which is extremely untreatable and has a very low survival rating, so I called off work the next day and found a General Practitioner.

The first distressing thing to me was the loss of one day of income. I'm trying to stay on a certain track, and it wasn't very comforting to know that I was losing a day's wages to go spend money at a doctor when I have no insurance! Then, the doctor started expressing concern that I'd never had a Gastroscopy done to examine the depth of my reflux damage. He confirmed my fear that it could become cancerous, and wanted to have me checked a.s.a.p. for Barrett's Esophagus or for Esophageal Cancer. I started getting worried about the prospect of dying, rather than having a mildly annoying condition! Naturally, this stressed me out immensly!

So after paying $50 out of pocket (bear in mind that I don't make all that much money right now) and losing one day's wages, I found myself worried about money and death. Not a good combination. The doc then called the Smith Clinic in Marion to schedule an appointment with a gastroenterologist. The appointment was scheduled for 8:30am the following morning, which meant that I'd be missing another day's wages. Then I found out that the Smith Clinic wanted $100 down to be seen. So I was missing two days wages, paid $150 out of pocket, and was worried about cancer! Not a good day.

I went to the Smith Clinic expecting to have the Gastroscopy that day, but was informed that I was mainly there to be evaluated by the doctor to see if it was necessary. I found out at this visit that I was about to incur a $2000 (approximated) out of pocket medical expense to resolve all of this because I don't have insurance. They scheduled the Gastroscopy for yesterday, which meant that after missing two days of work last week, I was going to miss at least one day this week too. My finances were taking a major hit and I was worrying about death.

After finding out how much they would be charging for this procedure, I spoke to the financial department about the down payment costs for this procedure. They wanted $150 down to cover the doctors fee, and $250 down for the facility. This would leave me with about $1600 to pay out of pocket, but with rent due I wasn't sure I could swing the $400 down since I had missed so much work! So now I was worried about death, money, and keeping a roof over my head, all in the span of about 36 hours!

There was no question, I needed the money I had saved. I had $600 in savings, and I took out $550. $150 to cover the doctor bills I'd already paid out of pocket, and $400 to pay for the procedure's down payment. I decided to keep the scheduled appointment, because if I did have some form of cancer developing I'd much rather catch it now and be in debt than to postpone it and it be too late. That's one lesson from Steve Jobs, catch it early and treat it early. When applying the "what's the worst that can happen" scenario, I'll take homelessness over death.

I found myself in a bit of a numb panic. I left the Smith Clinic that day, bought a bottle of Jack Daniels, and drank myself into oblivion. I could have salvaged 1/2 of my work day, but there was no way I could focus on work after the mountain of worry that had just been piled up. I'm not much of a drinker anymore, it's a very rare occurance, but this seemed the best course of action at the time. I regretted it later when I was hungover by 7pm that day........

The next few days I found myself constantly on the razors edge. I found myself wondering what would happen if I didn't make it to 33? I found myself not being satisfied with the accumulation of my lifes work thus far, and feeling ashamed as though I had wasted my time thus far. I found myself regretting things I had done earlier this year while I was trying to figure myself out, and wandering how in the hell I would pay for any of the possibly insane medical expenses that could be approaching. I found myself considering illegal activities to generate the money to pay my medical bills (can you say Breaking Bad? LOL!), considering what I could sell to pay my bills, and trying to figure out how I could generate some business for the studio quickly. I got really pissed off at a colleague who has taken the last 3 weeks to get me the payment for a gig that I played (I still haven't recieved it, and I do take that personally since I did put in lots of effort to promote that show and was now DESPARATE for cash.....I won't name names, but since I haven't recieved the money and doubt that I will.....right here, buddy!)

So to recap, I had drained my meager savings, was worried about dying, was worried about losing my home, was worried about collecting money owed to me, all in the span of a couple of days! I was a bit of a wreck. All this was going on while I was trying to wrap up some recording projects, worried about midterms week, and worried about making myself look bad at work by missing 1/2 of my work week THE DAY AFTER being asked to take on more responsibility! There almost wasn't a single facet of my life that wasn't putting pressure on me in some way. I was about to snap.

The weekend brought some solace. Sunday I did a touch-up session with Enemy By Mourning to cap off their album. It's rounding 3rd, and should be done as soon as I can find the time. It was a hell of a lot of fun to hang with them all day and talk shop, while working on their album! It's gonna be a killer record when it's done, and I'm INSANELY proud of the work we've been doing. I needed that session.

I also did some mentoring with my two protoge's, Michael Aylor and Brian Henken, who were there to observe the Enemy By Mourning session. They provided some background vocal on the song "On With The Show", which was needed as we needed as many voices as we could muster for the song. After EBM left, I discussed some audio principals with the protege's, and then got to my homework. I had a midterm due that night, and when that was done I continued my self distraction by doing some mixing work. It was a good distraction, and even though the day was long, it was great to stop worrying about the big "what if" for a bit.

.....but it didn't last long.....

Tuesday, everything came to a personal head.

I think I've been over-stressing myself about all of this, and my stomach hasn't been liking me very much as a result. Tuesday was a very bad stomach day. I actually left work 40 minutes early because of my stomach. I also had a test due at 9:00 that night, so this would give me a chance to decompress before taking the test and allow me to hopefully let my stomach settle.

But my car had other plans.

I leave work, and my battery is dead. When I say dead, I mean it melted my jumper cables because it was incapable of even HOLDING a charge! I started a downward spiral mentally, just wondering what the fuck could go wrong next. I had just taken my savings out to spend on the doctor bill, believing that rent was going to be $300 short and a week late. But I drive a 2005 Dodge Stratus, and replacing a battery in one of those is a hassle. I want to shoot the designer. I had to tow the car to the nearest NTB location, which cost me $40, then pay $160 to have the battery replaced and installed. They had to remove the front tire to access the battery! Whoever thought this was a good place for a battery should be drawn and quartered!

So essentially, I found myself doing the math, and only having $100 to pay in a few days toward my $600 rent. I started to panic, and just about fell apart. It was not a good day to be me.

Flash forward to Wednesday morning. Things started to look a bit better. I called the Marion Area Health Center, and they told me they'd wave their $250 down that I had to pay because of my situation, which meant that I was only going to have to pay $150 to the doctor on the day of the procedure! This was a HUGE relief!

Then around lunch time, I got a call from the Marion Area Health Center, it was a pre-procedure screening. They informed me that I'd be asleep during the process, which I've never had done before and it freaked me out. I'm a wimp, I know, but I hate needles and I've heard that some people don't wake up from anesthetic. I was scared. I was afraid of what they'd find. I was afraid that the anesthetic would wear off and I'd wake up mid-procedure. I was afraid that I'd not wake up at all......

Laura spent the evening with me on Wednesday, and instead of working on school work like we normally do on Wednesdays, I spent it trying to relax. It had been one thing after another and I was on the edge. I was mentally exhausted, and I evidently passed out before she left. She didn't wanna wake me, so she let herself out.

I woke up at 5:30am to find her gone, and I'm starving. Now they said I couldn't eat solid food after midnight, but I could have something liquid up to 6 hours before the procedure. The procedure was at noon, so I go to make a protien shake so that my stomach will stop grumbling. When I get downstairs, it's freezing cold. So I go to turn up the thermostat, only to find that the heat wasn't coming on. After the car problems, the money problems, the worrying about my own demise, and everything else, now my furnace wasn't working! I look outside, and there was no tag on my door, so I knew they hadn't shut me off for some reason. So i went back to bed and said to hell with it, I was going to worry about this one later. Luckily, it was just that the pilot light had gone out, and it was an easy fix, but I didn't worry about it til after the procedure. While I'm halfway doped up is probably not the safest time to deal with natural gas, but hey......

Anyway, I wake up to Laura coming in at around 11:45am, and hop in the shower. We head to the procedure, and they take me back. You can read my post about the procedure that I posted last night as the anesthetic was wearing off to read about what happened. But after it was over, and I realized I was going to be ok, it was a HUGE sigh of relief!

Another great sigh of relief was the fact that they NEVER ASKED ME FOR THE DOWN PAYMENT! I'll have to pay it when I'm billed later, but they never took my payment on the day of the procedure, so all of the money that I took out of savings is now available to pay my rent! It's gonna be a tight few weeks financially, but I'll keep a roof over my head, which is a good thing!

So let's reflect. I've been through the ringer emotionally, physically, financially, and in almost every other way this year. It's been a trying year. But as 2011 is coming to a close, I'm starting to reflect on this roller coaster of a year. I'm realizing that this year seemed to strip away my immaturity, re-dedicate myself to success, and help me appreciate the personal relationships that are right in front of me. I feel like I've never had my resolve challenged as an adult, but this year changed all of it. This year has been a character building year for me, and I know that after this last week of feeling like I'd hit rock bottom, that I'll be ok no matter what comes my way. I'm not going to sweat the small stuff anymore, cause it seems to work itself out. Instead, I'm going to take chances (what's the worst that can happen?!), work hard (there's only one way to build a better life for myself, it's certainly NOT going to be handed to me), and count my blessings (there have been a number of kindnesses this year that I don't deserve and cannot repay, without them I'd surely have collapsed.....I need to always remember that). I feel like I'm a totally different person in every way than I was in October 2010 when Sarah started showing signs of doubt in our relationship. I'm a more dedicated person than I was in the months that followed when I was hanging to sanity by a thread. I have weathered a hell of a storm this year, and I'm trying to find the strength to learn the lessons that are in front of me to be learned, and carry them through the rest of my life.

This is the dawning of a new era in my life.

Taking stock of 2011

What a fucking year. A lot of good has happened, but a lot of very stressful bad things have happened too. Let's look at the bad......

Sarah leaves me.

I'm forced to adapt to life on my own for the first time in my life, at 30 years old.

I make some bad decisions in the love game.

I lose my day job.

I have to beg for money from family to pay rent.

I found myself dumpster diving for scrap metal to pay the bills.

I go into a depression of home sickness, longing for the Rockies, but knowing I can't get there because I lost my job and have no means to travel.

I get my job back, and start doing well, and start putting the pieces of myself back together financially, straighten out my love life, and start feeling optimistic about my future..............

..........but now it all might be derailed because I may have cancer?!?!

I don't necessarily believe in Karma, simply because there are a million facets to the decisions one makes, and what may be the only choice one has may be perceived by an outsider as a bad decision that will generate bad karma. I believe that life is completely random, I don't believe in a divine entity (despite my upbringing - sorry mom). I know I did nothing to deserve any of these worries.

But it doesn't make it suck any less.

Cancer?

Well this is going swimmingly…..

Ok, this is my uncensored, unfiltered rant. I'm not sure if I'm pissed off, but I'm not happy. I just got back from a gastroenterologist.

A month ago, I was in the ER with chest pains. They determined that it was likely not a heart issue, and advised me to have my acid reflux checked to see what damage it was doing. I put that off, cause I can't afford a doctor and have no insurance.

Two days ago, I was at my day job. I had eaten lunch a few hours earlier. I start feeling the sensation of hot rocks moving through my intestines in the left side of my abdomen. Laura suspects it could be an ulcer, as she's been through that pleasantness before. So I called off work yesterday to go see a doctor. I wasn't happy about losing a days pay, or how it would make me look the day after they assign me a new task at my day job, but health is more important than all of those things, so I did what I had to do.

Yesterday, they talk to me about my acid reflux, informing me that it can lead to esophageal cancer, which evidently is one of the worst kinds. So the doctor recommended that I see a gastroenterologist to have a scope done so they could see what's going on, just in case.

I went to the gastroenterologist this morning, under the impression that i was going to have a procedure done. They informed me that it would actually be scheduled another time, today was just the preliminary to see if it was needed.

So in essence, I paid $50 down to one doctor yesterday and $100 down to a doctor today to have them tell me that it's not going to happen today, but they want me to come back next week and pay $400 down to have it done……..

That's $550………..down…………and I only have managed to save $600.

Well, thanks to the corporate structure of American medicine, I've now in effect wiped out my savings. That won't even begin to touch the amount that it will cost my uninsured ass to pay for these procedures in the end, it'll just cover the down payments!

But what then? What if they find esophageal cancer? I'm going to be sitting here for a week worrying about the validity of these tests, and how pissed I'll be if everything's ok because of how much all of this is costing me (all so they can tell me to keep taking prilosec and get checked regularly……….) But quite frankly, what if? What if it turns out that I have something wrong with me that needs addressed?! I can't afford to get that shit treated! Period! I don't wanna end up like my friend Derek, but quite frankly - DEREK LIVED IN CANADA! I don't know the ins and outs of what he had to pay and didn't have to pay, but I'm sure that something like this would bankrupt me in the US and not bankrupt me in Canada.

And what if I do have cancer? I have no insurance! Good luck getting insurance with a pre-existing condition! There ought be some sort of law in this country……oh wait, wasn't that in Obama's health bill that so many people are ignorantly challenging?

I wonder how my mom felt 30 years ago, hearing the news that she was going to die. I wonder how she felt knowing there was no treatment, and that if there were a treatment she likely couldn't afford it anyway. I wonder if I'll end up like her, dead by 36?

I'm in sticker shock somewhat. How in the hell can you expect a normal working class individual to afford medical bills in this economy if they were not lucky enough to have insurance? How in the hell can you put a price tag on my life? How in the hell can you think that it's ok to intimidate people into not getting treatment because they know they can't afford it, and they can't leave their families with that sort of debt?

Now I understand why Walter White (Breaking Bad) does it…..not that I didn't understand before, it just hits home now.

I left the gastroenterologists office, with $150 less in cash, after missing two days of pay at work, feeling scared about what's going to happen to me. I'm scared the "what if's". What if I have cancer? What if I can't come up with the money to pay for all of this. What if I drain my measly $600 from my savings and use it to pay the down payments, then get laid off again in a week? What if all this does is put me into debt, and I'm fine? I've had 3 reactions to all of this since leaving the gastroneterologist.

1 - I wanted to cry. I know I can't afford ANY of this. But I'm almost forced into it. Sure, there are payment arrangements and plans, but the fact remains that I'm still going to have paid $550 by next week just in down payments alone, and the income assistance will not really cover enough of it for me. I felt scared and wanted to cry.

2 - I wanted to get shit faced. I thought to myself "Is 10am too early to get a bottle of jack daniels and drink myself to an oblivion?"

3 - I'm currently venting and trying to take my mind off of it all. I'm sort of in "recall mode" right now, and am avoiding actually thinking about these things and what they mean to me for fear of going off the deep end. I'm numbingly recalling what I've felt and what my frustrations are, so that I can write this blog, but if I stop to think about it for a second I start getting that tightness in my throat.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go get a bottle of Jack and go to town. I'm in no shape for doing homework, and I can't focus on mixing right now. I'll see you from cloud 9.

...granted

Have you ever taken someone for granted?

Have you ever treated them like they were disposable, like you could do anything you wanted, because it didn't matter, since they were always going to be there?

Have you ever just acted out with complete disregard for anyone else?

I have.

Take my advice.

Treat the people around you like they aren't disposable, like they matter to you every day. The guilt of the "I wish I would have done...." feeling is overwhelming.

To ANYONE who I've treated as disposable, or took for granted in my life.....EVER, I'm sorry.

To the woman that I love...I'm sorry for everything I've put you through this year.

Worthless

I feel worthless right now. I sent my financial information to my beloved uncle who has expressed interest in helping me get out of the hole. Quite frankly, I hate how proud and stubborn I can be, and it's those qualities that are causing me to feel worthless. I hate feeling like this, but quite frankly I hate being in this situation too. I don't know what the outcome of these interactions will be, but there's no way of saving my dignity in this. I may as well just swallow my pride and see what happens, but that's really hard when you feel worthless.

I'll be ok, but this feeling sucks.

Getting Harder With Time

I hate when people tell me that I need to learn to be happy where I am. I've heard it from an ex girlfriend and from a friend, and I know that other people may have thought it when they've heard me complain about missing Colorado. It's almost like these people just don't get it in any way shape or form. The more time passes that I'm away form Colorado, the HARDER it gets for me. It's not getting any easier, and it's starting to become sort of an obsession of mine. All I look at online now are pictures of the Rockies. I watch videos that I shot in Colorado, and get lost in them, and when I turn around and find myself in Marion, I lost it just now when that happened.

I don't care if anyone thinks I sound like a whiny pussy fawning over some fucking mountains. I'm secure enough in myself to admit things to myself and others. I'm in love with those mountains, and losing them was one of the hardest things I've had to cope with in my adult life.

I need to get back. The sooner the better. I love everyone in my life in Ohio, but they can't know what I'm feeling.

Survival mode…..

I looked at my bank account this morning. Not much left in there after bills. I looked in my cabinets, not much left in there because I was going to go grocery shopping with my last check, but decided I'd better pay the bills since I had been let go. I look at my gas tank, not much in there because gasoline is so expensive and I spent the day 50 miles south in Columbus job hunting and visiting friends.

Panic is starting to creep in.

But what am I gonna do about it? I find myself in this situation, and only I can get myself out.

But that statement adds a level of fear to everything. Before Sarah left, I had a support structure financially. I took it for granted. I'm now paying the price for that.

I've got one last paycheck from my old day job coming in, and I've got some recording sessions coming up that have been booked, so I'm not at the end of my rope yet. But realizing how little I had currently and how little is coming in threw me into a panic.

I've got almost $70 in savings in an online bank account. That will be definitely coming out asap, but it's in an online account which means that I'll have to wait a week before I can see it.

I've got two clients at the studio with deficient balances that I'm trying to collect, but one of them was just laid off too, so it could take some time to collect, and the other one is still booking and still paying on the balance, so I can't really hound them for a payment that I know they are working on making.

How did I get here? Let's flash back to a year ago:



A year ago, I was making plans for a bright future in Ohio as I departed Colorado. I was stable, I had an ok job where I wasn't a temp, and I was doing well at it. I had studio clients that were rolling in, and I had great connections in the industry in Denver! I was going to come to Ohio and take over the local music scene with my studio, and things would be great. I was going to attend college to get a bachelors in business, and I had huge ambitions!

But then it all falls apart. We move to Ohio, and move to Marion of all places, thus stranding me an hour from my target studio market (Columbus) and from any jobs that want to may more than minimum wage. Sarah left me, increasing my financial burden and reducing the income in the house to just myself. My job's hours kept changing, putting a strain on my educational goals. And now having lost my job, I find myself in a sorry state as I look around and do damage control. I'm broke and unemployed an hour away from any good jobs with very little money coming in.

It's not a good place to be. I'm in a panic today. And so I turn to the world, here on my blog, to get it out. I have to allow myself to feel these feelings and give them a place to come out, or else they would just fester and come out in other ways.

It's hard to find the faith that I'll be ok in times like this. I feel that I'm at the bottom of the barrel today, and am trying to find the strength and conviction to make it through to the next dime coming into my possession. I don't wanna borrow money from anyone, I'm admittedly too proud (thanks Grandpa for making me as stubborn as you were..lol), but it may come to that point soon. I've got friends offering to help, but I won't take it unless I absolutely need to in order to survive.

I was talking to Bob Swanson a few days ago about all of this. He was talking about getting himself financially set up for retirement in 10 years, telling me that I should start planning that now when I'm 30 rather than when I'm his age, but then he acknowledged that at this second I'm likely in survival mode and just trying to stay afloat. I like how he put it, because it's a perfect depiction of where I am. Survival mode.

I don't wanna be in survival mode, but then again who really does? I realize that right now I've got to get my shit in order or else it's down with the ship. I don't wanna lose everything that I've worked for, although I suppose it could always be worse. But even though I always knew that I was one paycheck away from really tough times, it never sunk in that it was this bad.

But now I'm thinking that I've had enough of panic mode. I've definitely had enough of survival mode. I've had enough of life kicking me in the teeth this year. 2011 has been a catastrophe in many ways, but I'm finished with it. It's June, and I've got 6 months to turn my year around! I'm not going to sit idly by and let myself go down the drains! I'm going to get back up, dust myself off, and claw my way back out of this shit! The studio is about to go full strength. I'm going to be much more responsible financially. I'm going to survive this fall and I will thrive!

So now I'm in Scarlett O'Harra mode. I've hit the dirt, and now I'm ready to fight! "I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again!"

Stunned.....

I'm stunned.

I got laid off yesterday. 2011 has been a great year for me so far! LOL!

Technically I'm still employed. I work for a temp agency and I was on a contract with a legal claims administrator call center. I can't say more than that. But my temp agency wants to see if they can place me in a new job Monday morning. Meanwhile, I'm stuck living in what was recently declared the poorest city in Ohio with hardly any cash left. I'm glad I've got some studio work coming in. Some of the work I've got right now is paying me with an exchange of equipment that I need (though right now I could use the cash more), and I can't go back on that deal at this point (though the client are friends and would understand if I said I had to, I just don't want it to get to that point). I've got a few other projects coming down with the studio, which is good, but it's time to ramp up my efforts to find clients for Skyline. I'm going to be out in Columbus tonight at the Alrosa in full force pimping my operation, but first I have a contract meeting in 2 hours, followed by a job hunt at the public library.

It's also time to start searching for a new day job, though I doubt I'll find something that paid as well as I was earning at my last assignment with my temp agency. Who knows, maybe the temp agency will be able to place me somewhere great Monday and it'll all work itself out! Or maybe they'll give me a crappy job with crappy hours and crappy pay that I can't afford to even go to because of the high gas prices and the 50+ mile commute! Who knows at this point.

I can tell there's going to be some panic creeping in at some point. Right now I'm more stunned than anything, and I'm not really thinking too much about how I'm going to stay afloat. I have $70 in savings, which isn't going to help a damn thing, but it's good to know it's there (though the point of saving is to forget it's there til it's ABSOLUTELY needed, it just might come down to that soon).

This brings me to a rant about the state of employment in our country. The last two jobs I've had were with temp agencies. I realize that a job is better than no job, but it seems that for a while all I was seeing was temp jobs. I don't know if that's still the case, I haven't been looking at the job market since October. But if it's still the case, then I have to say that we're in sad shape. Here's why.

There's no such thing as job security. There never has been, there never will be. It's an illusion created to help people feel that they'll be ok, and for some people they do make it. But for some, as soon as the economy goes south or the cost of production changes or the technology used to produce a good or service changes, they get let go because the company needs to keep it's bottom line healthy. I don't blame the company, it's main focus is to try to maximize profits and keep growing! It's a business, not a welfare office! If I were in charge of a company that had to make the tough decision to lay off some of it's employees, I can only imagine how hard that decision would be to execute. However, it would be an easy decision to have to make. Do I keep my company healthy and growing, therefore keeping the entity as a whole afloat by getting rid of the part that could be dragging us under, or do I feel bad for people who's lives will be ruined by that decision and keep them all on board while the whole ship goes down?! Easy decision. I let go of what's dragging us down. Hard decision to execute, and I guarantee I'd lose sleep over it.

But here's where I find a problem. I noticed a trend after the economy started rebounding. All the jobs, as I pointed out, are temp jobs! Why is that? Well, from what I understand it's easier to get the manpower needed by hiring temps than by hiring your own workers. You can pay them less, and they aren't technically YOUR employees. If you need to trim the proverbial fat, you just end their assignment and have their agency try to place them somewhere else. Let the temp agency deal with the employment issues. Companies were scared to hire on full time employees because no one knew where the economy was heading. This was an easy way for them to get the manpower they needed when they needed it without having to commit to actually HIRING anyone.

I've seen more and more "now hiring" signs lately, so hopefully this trend is coming to an end. But one things for sure. I don't believe that our country's work force can sustain itself by only being able to get temp jobs. A job is a job, but if all the jobs are expendable, what does that mean to our economy?

The reality of my situation will no doubt sink in very very soon, and I'll start panicking. I haven't reached that point though, as I'm trying to stay positive and search for new opportunities. I'm trying to look at this as the proverbial slate being wiped clean, putting me on the path that I really belong on. After all, if there's one thing I can say about 2011, it's been a year of confusion and challenge in the face of unwanted change and adversity. There isn't a SINGLE aspect of my life that is the same as it was 12 months ago. Not ONE.

Wish me luck.