Panic.....

I've been struggling for the past 50 weeks to regain a footing on my life, and right now I'm panicked that I could slide backwards yet again. The company I'm assigned to through my temp agency is rumored to have started lay offs again due to lack of work, and having been one of those laid off over the summer, I'm freaking out just a bit. If the phone rings, and it's a 614 number that I don't recognize, or it's my agent at the temp agency, I'm going to be freaking the fuck out.

This comes ONE SINGLE DAY after I pay off my chase credit card, reducing my monthly expenses by a little, but increasing my net worth by another $500. I now have this card to use as an emergency fund, but having just paid it off twice in the past two months, I do NOT want to need it yet.

But the thing that's got me panicked is that I just drained my small savings (ok, it was like $160, but still), and combined that with the liquid assets I earned from the studio to pay off that credit card. That credit card will not help me when it comes to paying rent, unless I take out an expensive cash advance.

It's just a rumor, I haven't seen it in action yet. I need to keep positive, but it's really difficult. I'm freaking out. I need to remember that I've got other income streams in the works, and I need to hustle to get those finished so I can push the hell out of them and hopefully earn some money from them.

I also need to start looking for a new employment situation, just in case. And the shitty thing is that even if I find a new employment situation, that won't be certain either. There's no such thing as job security, and I could leave my temp job for something I feel more secure at, only to lose it more quickly than I would have lost my temp job, and then the temp job could be gone, and I'd be screwed either way. But that's the risk you take in life, there's no sense in not acting because of the risks. Life is risky, and nothing is EVER certain. You shouldn't let fear of what MIGHT happen hold you back from trying to better yourself, even though that fear can be crippling.

And as I sit here, debating whether to start pushing the studio harder with my free time or to start applying for jobs (a task I can never seem to focus on….I HATE resumes), just the fact that I'm typing this blog is calming me down a bit. I need to remember that at this moment, I have not received the call from the temp agency. At this moment, I still have the temp job. At ANY moment from August to now, this job could've gone away. I need to remember these things, because essentially nothing has changed. I've made personal progress since the last layoff, and have been making strides to reduce my debt. But if it happens again, I need to stay focused financially and not let myself slip into the depressed reckless spending habits that screwed me up in October during my cancer scare. I need to keep my focus, and keep my wits about me.

Sure, it's scary, but at this point nothing's changed.

Let's just hope it stays that way a bit longer.