Motivation

I'm sitting here at the studio, and am watching "Ride The  Divide", which is the film that inspired me to ride the great divide trail before I turn 40. I'm drinking my coffee, and watching the footage of the mountains, and thinking positively about my future. It makes me want to just kick ass and focus only on what will benefit me and my family.

I've had some confidence hits recently. But I've had events that gave me faith too. The confidence hits were caused by a lull in clients at the studio, but those things are going to happen. It's a cyclical business, and I can't let that get me down. But there's another thing that's had me acting somewhat irrationally. There was a studio in Columbus that had name recognition, and they had to close down a few years ago. They are re-opening in the building LITERALLY right behind my studio. I'll have a competitor 50 feet from my front door! That's a bit nerve wracking, but if I take the proximity of our studios out of the picture, the proximity doesn't matter in the least. If he were 50 feet or 20 miles, he'd still be another local option that I'd have to compete with. This guy's been in the game longer, has a local contact list, has name recognition, and can out-gear me any day of the week.

So those two issues have had a big hit on my confidence. But I need to get over that and move on. To help me regroup, I've been working hard on some promotional efforts. I've been going to shows every weekend, which is something I'd been not focusing on. I've been making new materials with viral sharing in mind. I've been working on my social presence online. I've even painstakingly been trying to improve my skills in every way I can so that I can compete with ALL of the local competition with ease. This has included lots of feedback from other engineers who aren't in my local market, and their input has been invaluable in helping me get better as quickly as I can. I've even been focusing on diversifying my product line so that I can offer something to folks who may not need recording or mixing services. I'm going to explore the opportunity to get into Audio Post work.

What I've learned about myself from the above is that even if I face something that seems bleak, and even if I let the stress get to me (which happened HARDCORE over the last couple of weeks), I always seem to find my way back to the positive place I need to be in order to move forward.

I've also learned that I have a rock to lean on when things seem bleak. Laura has been the most wonderful presence in my life, and has gone to extraordinary measures for the sake of our happiness and to feed the hunger in my soul. Without her, the bleak times would be even bleaker, and I find myself needing her grace more and more every day.

In fact, Laura helped me achieve something that I needed very much for the sake of the wounds my soul suffered upon my departure from the Colorado Rockies in 2010. We planned to make it out there this summer, and it was there that I planned to propose to her, but it didn't look possible due to financial reasons. Because of that, I took her to the Great Smoky Mountains, and it was there that she agreed to spend the rest of her life with me as my wife.  That day, she made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. The high lasted for days for me.

My heart still yearned for the west, however. It was very distressing that I didn't believe I could make it out there again, even after plans to go had to be cancelled. But in the middle of the summer, Laura suggested that we make a trip to Denver work somehow, and in August we hit the road for my first trip west in over two years.

Upon seeing the mountains for the first time, I felt like I was at home again. Being able to show Laura all the amazing sights that I had fallen in love with so hard meant the world to me. I broke down crying as I showed her the view from atop Conifer Mountain, which is where I used to live. I broke down crying again when she told me on our way to the San Luis Valley that she felt very at home there and could see living there with me very easily. It was an extremely medicinal experience for the part of my soul that was damaged by my departure from the Rocky Mountains. Laura and I visited our fourth national park, the Great Sand Dunes National Park, and it was by far the most fun park either of us have ever been too. She handled the altitude much better than I anticipated, considering her athsma, and even was able to handle the 14,000 foot ascent up Mount Evans before getting irritable due to the altitude.

Being able to see my mountains again, and to see the land that I love with every fiber of my soul, and to share it with the woman who has inspired the largest soul searching transformation I've ever undergone…..it was an extremely rehabilitative experience.


I've found myself not missing the mountains at any great extent since our trip. Laura speculated that I needed the trip to prove that I could make it out there again, and I think she was right. The trip helped us grow even closer than we already are, and made both of us think about our future together and with our daughters Lotus and Celest. It made me extremely confident about every aspect of my future. I still yearn to be there, amongst the great beauty of the west, but I think being there with Laura helped me make peace with my separation and bought me time and sanity.

As I write this blog post, I reflect on the events of the last two months. I see one constant. Laura. When I need strength, she does what she can to feed my soul. When I'm feeling on top, she's there to celebrate my victories and give further encouragement. Laura is my rock. Without her, I know my journey would be a difficult one.

Laura, thank you for constantly being a source of inspiration to me, and a reason for me to keep fighting. Thank you for keeping me grounded, and thank you for helping me keep moving on. I love you more each and every day.

 

Colorado Calling

Today is fathers day.

Three years ago today, I was visiting Arches National Park. I remember calling my father to wish him a happy fathers day for the first time, then I called Dad and did the same. (If you haven't caught on, Father birthed me, Dad raised me). Sarah and I then spent the day rolling through Arches National Park in areas that were more difficult to access, and hence away from the choke of the Fathers Day tourists. She drove a 4WD Ford Explorer, so we could go places most couldn't. There were some really cool sights there. I'd love to go back sometime.

Olive caught a tumbleweed there. One of her more adorable moments.

Two years ago today, I was getting ready to work one of my last days at King Soopers in Evergreen as we prepared to embark on what would become my life's greatest transformation. Fearing what she saw as inevitable budget cuts at the Jefco library system, and extremely unhappy at the hands of a tyrannical boss, Sarah went on the job hunt. She landed a job that took us back to Ohio, where we grew up and met 11 years earlier. She decided to take the job, and we began packing up to move away from the land that I had grown to love with every fiber of my soul. I had no idea how much of a pull the Rockies would have on me, and I lied to myself about wanting to move back. I would've done anything for her, and that included uprooting myself every two years to move to a new location (which hindered my ability to find any stabilization in my professional life), but I was happy to do it for her.







One year ago today, everything was completely different. The mountains were gone. Sarah was gone. My sanity was gone. I began lashing out in horrible ways at those I love in ways that I will be ashamed of till the day I die. Every aspect of my life was completely different, and every aspect of my life was utter turmoil. I was struggling for studio clients, and had lost my job due to a mass layoff. I was desperately waiting for unemployment benefits, and worried that I wasn't going to make it. I began dumpster diving for scrap metal to keep food on the table and gas in my tank. I was drinking. When everything in someone's life falls away like dominoes being knocked over, it's a very trying time. This was the great transformation I mentioned above, and I fear that without it I would not be the person I am today. I'm not the person Sarah left. I'm not the person my friends in Colorado knew. I'm not the person Laura reunited with in March of last year. I'm not the person most of the people I associated with a year ago knew then. I'm a completely different individual with a completely new set of goals and priorities. When you're broken down like that and forced to rebuild from the ground up, you're not going to recognize the new structure.

Today, everything is vastly better for me than it was last year when I was going through hell. I'm emotionally stable, and I've quit drinking. I've got studio clients, and I've got a stable roof over my head. 3 months ago, I became engaged to Laura.

Laura agreed to spend the rest of her life with me after everything I've put her through. She's one of the most selfless people I've ever met, and I have infinite amounts of admiration for her strength and spirit. She helped pull me through my struggles last summer even when I tried to force her out of my life because I was confused about everything. I'm forever in her debt for not giving up on me. I'm forever in her debt for helping re-stabilize me. I'm forever in her debt for the hell I've put her through. I've never loved anyone more than I love her. And she's given me two wonderful children, her beautiful twin daughters Celest and Lotus.

Celest

Lotus

To be honest, I'm very happy here. My first custom studio facility is about to open. I'm living in Columbus with my new family, and have been finally emancipated from Marion Ohio! I've fallen in love with my step-daughters, and every time they smile my heart melts. They are beautiful little women, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

After all I've lost, I've been able to regain traction on my life. I've found happiness and a new direction. I've replaced almost everything in my life that I had lost, and couldn't be happier.

But there's something missing.

I still think about Colorado all the time, and I still feel it's call regularly. I still long to see the beautiful panorama I took for granted every time I walked out the door. I still yearn for the cool and light mountain air. I still ache for the views that thrilled my soul every day. Witnessing immensely beautiful landscapes every day for two years that made my soul sing the praises of heaven became like a drug. Now that I'm away from anything that beautiful in nature, my soul hasn't had it's fix and is making me crazy from it's yearning.

When one gets accustomed to immense beauty that causes excitement of the body and mind, they can begin to rely on the jolt of adrenaline they receive when they are in those surroundings. When you take that away, the spirit yearns to be returned every day until the reunion happens. It's almost like weening oneself from a drug that takes a lifetime to exit the system. It won't let me go.

So here I sit, reflecting on everything that I have now, and I am truly happy here. But  these thoughts about the mountains are once again making my happiness a bittersweet engagement.

The only solution I can see is to return, even if only for a momentary visit now and then, so that I can get my fix. I sound like a meth head, but that's how strong this is. It was just validated by a friend I met in Indiana who moved to Colorado Springs in January. She told me she's falling in love with the mountains too, which shows me that it's not just me. It's a deep spiritual calling for me, and I think she's starting to feel it too based on what she said.

Jen, eat it up. See what you can. Life can take you away from it before you're ready. See it all, over and over again, and appreciate it every day. Otherwise, you could become a whining mountain loving emo hippie bastard like me.....lol.

National Parks

Lotus and Celest, my daughters to be, were born on June 21st 14 years ago. Knowing how much I love to travel, Laura suggested that we take the girls on a vacation for their 14th birthday this year. It was decided that we would spend a few days and head to Washington D.C., stopping in Virginia to see Shenandoah National Park along the way.

The girls have never had a trip this long. Their autism can make traveling a little challenging. So this will be an experiment to see how well they do on a trip of this length. But the girls love going on trips, and can get quite excited by the anticipation of a trip. A few months ago, Laura wanted to take them to the Newport Aquarium. Celest begged for an entire weekend to go to the aquarium after hearing of the plan. When we arrived at the aquarium, Celest and Lotus were both ecstatic!

The chance to take the girls on their first long vacation makes me happy. The fact that we're essentially going on a giant National Park Service tour thrills me! If you read this blog, you know I love the parks. Before Laura, I'd been to Yellowstone, Grand Teton, Rocky Mountain, Arches, Grand Canyon, Cuyahoga Valley, and a few national historical sites and monuments. Since then, I've begun collecting parks with Laura. We've been to Cuyahoga Valley, and Great Smoky Mountains. We got engaged at Great Smoky Mountains N.P., and have been taking photos of ourselves by the entrance signs of the parks since then (even though we only have two parks under our belts).

So the chance to collect our third park together with the girls in tow, and see Shenandoah National Park as a family altogether for the first time, makes me quite happy. I plan to get a photo of us all together by the entrance sign if possible. We plan to head from Columbus to the southern end of Shenandoah N.P. From there, we'll drive through the park along Skyline Drive as well take in the views.

After that, we spend the night nearby before embarking to Washington D.C. the next day. Washington D.C. is a mecca of the park system, as the park system also includes many historical sites and monuments. Driving and walking tours of the nations capitol are in order, and many photos will be taken! I'm excited about Washington D.C., I've never been. I'm admittedly more excited about Shenandoah, but I've always wanted to go and see the national mall and the Lincoln Memorial.

About a week or two ago, Laura told Celest that we were going to go on vacation at the end of June. She told her we were going to Washington, and since then Celest has been yelling to go on vacation to Washington. I let it slip last week that we were also stopping at a national park, and this doubled her joy! She's been yelling for a national park all week, and for vacation! Every time she yells for a national park, I get a huge grin on my face.

I'll discuss the trip, including photos, when we return.

Where next?

Laura and I crossed our second National Park together off of our lists today. We've so far hit Cuyahoga Valley National Park and Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Now we're on our hunt for the next park on our list. We've got two that we're looking at, and the goal is to hit at least one of them at some point this year.

- Mammoth Cave National Park

This park is only about 5-6 hours from Laura's house in Columbus, and for that reason may be our next park. Plus, it would be a park that I haven't been to before, so we'd be both experiencing it together for the first time. Because of it's close proximity, it may only take two full gas tanks to get there and back. If we're eating from a cooler and car camping, this should be a snap.

- Shenandoah National Park

This would be a longer trek, at about 7.5 hours via car. This would also be a first visit for both of us, and the views from Skyline Drive are reputed to be some of the most stunning scenery this side of the Mississippi. I'd love to go hiking in the area as well, as trail hopping with Laura is now one of my favorite things to do.

- Great Smoky Mountains National Park

Ok, yeah, we've been here. But there's a chance my family will reconvene in July in Atlanta, and if Laura goes with me I can see no reason not to stop in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park again with her this summer. Maybe we'll get warmer temperatures, get to see some elk, and do a little hiking? Who knows?

At any rate, at the moment I think it's best to focus on two or three to cross off the list. This may be refined as times goes on, but I feel that Mammoth Cave National Park and Shenandoah National Park are two excellent starting points within reach at some point this year.

Hiking Cuyahoga Valley National Park

Laura and I will be hiking in Cuyahoga Valley National Park tomorrow. This is the closest park to my home in Marion, and although it's one of my least favorite, I'm still glad it was preserved. If you look at it from above, you'll see that it was the last remaining woodlands in the area and was nearly wiped out by development.

I will be talking to the park rangers about my Grand Canyon Petition. This won't be the main focus of the trip, which is more of a day trip so Laura and I can go hiking and mark our second National Park in our passports. However, if it hadn't been developed as much as it was, Ohio would've been a beautiful state. So perhaps it's fitting that I visit Cuyahoga Valley National Park while fighting to keep the Confluence area of the Grand Canyon preserved. I mean, by the time we preserved the Grand Canyon as a national park, there was a Navajo reservation on the eastern edge of it to protect that part from private hands, and the rest of the country was still developing westward. The canyon was grabbed before the great westward push was completed. It's sad that now the Navajo Nation is trying to develop the part of it that borders their land, especially when so many are against it. I mean, if you look at Savetheconfluence.com, you'll see many in the Native American community who are against the proposed developments in the Confluence Area of the Grand Canyon.



But being in Cuyahoga Valley National Park, where the development nearly wiped it out, will likely strengthen my resolve to keep fighting for the Canyon. I mean, look at it. There aren't many places in Ohio left where you can go to walk through a meadow as it used to be. There aren't many places in Ohio where you can see Bald Eagles nesting. A freeway, a golf course, and a concert amphitheater are all within the park's borders, which mar the potential this area would've had if it had been set aside earlier. But if not for those who wanted to preserve it, we wouldn't even have this park in my back yard.


Anyway, my personal mission aside, I'm looking forward to this trip. It'll be great to get out and spend a day hiking with Laura, and it'll be great to cross our second park together off our list. I remember after I proposed to Laura, and we had walked up to Clingman's Dome in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, we sat in the car and looked at the maps of all the parks in the country we got from the visitors center. I was thrilled that she seemed excited to be crossing parks off our list together. We sat there in the car, our passports stamped from our first joint park visit, and talked about which parks we'd like to visit. It's a memory I cherish, and I cherish the ability to make these new memories with Laura at the parks!

So I'll be posting pics and reporting back. Stay tuned.

Life, worries, and why it's worth it.

There's a lot I feel the need to say in this blog. It could be more like a mini-novel. Just a warning.

My last blog indicated that there were big things that happened in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. That's right, and it's good news. On our trip back from Atlanta, we went to see the Smokies. I found a secluded place we could pull off and have to ourselves, which had a lot of stunning mountain views. I then took Laura down to a spot out of sight of the road.

It was there that I proposed. She said yes!



Let's explain what had happened. You see, ever since my cancer scare last October, I began examining my life and what I wanted out of it in a very in depth way. I decided that I couldn't live my life without Laura, and that led me to examine what I wanted out of our relationship. There were a lot of heavy things I had to consider, including her two children with special needs. I mean, if I wanted her in my life forever, would I be able to step in and care for two special needs teenagers when I never wanted to kids to begin with?

I knew after last October's cancer scare what was in my heart. But my head wanted me to be absolutely sure, which is why I started trying to be a presence in the girl's lives. After all, if I were to take that plunge, I'd then be responsible for them. After some soul searching, I realized that I had the desire to make it work out. I began to make efforts to spend some time here and there with the girls to get to know them. Celest now asks to go to my house, despite the fact that it's a 60 mile drive, because she loves my electronic drum set. Lotus seems to enjoy it as well, but not nearly as much as Celest. I've grown to love both of them, and want nothing but the best for them. Part of me wishes that I were in a better financial state at 31 years old, so that I could be better equipped to take care of them. Suffice it to say, I realized that I could lay it all on the line for Lotus and Celest, and that they are a part of the woman that I love.

Once I was absolutely sure, the plan was to take Laura to Colorado in June. We even set a date for the trip. Knowing what I was planning, I started dropping hints to myself in my blog so that I could look back on it fondly and point out to her where I had foreshadowed my proposal ("I'll just say this. It's going to be a trip that won't be forgotten."). I was going to buy a ring and pay for our vacation, all with my tax return, while continuing to dig myself out of the financial hole with my day job pay.

My plan was to get Laura to fall in love with the Rockies by driving her to all the wonderful sights I knew of. These included at least two national parks (Great Sand Dunes NP and Rocky Mountain NP at minimum), a drive through the San Luis Valley that makes my heart sing so much, and a drive up to the summit of Mount Evans. As much as I was feeling a need to be in the mountains again all the way to the bottom of my soul, I felt it only fitting that when I tell Laura how I really felt deep down, that it be in an area that meant something to me. If I were with the woman that I loved in the place that I loved, all would be right with the world for that moment and my proposal would mean more to me. So the plan was to ask her to marry me on the summit of Mount Evans.

But that plan was derailed when I was laid off on February 1st. I no longer knew whether or not I would be able to afford the trip, let alone rent. Not knowing that I'll be able to afford my Colorado trip in June really broke my heart, especially since I was planning something of this magnitude to take place during that trip. But in many ways, I feel that my job loss was a blessing. That, however, is a different blog post.

Laura and I had planned a trip to Atlanta during spring break after I went to Atlanta to visit family last Thanksgiving. I took a trip through the Great Smoky Mountains NP on my way back to Ohio on that trip, and fell in love with that park. Though it wasn't the same as being in Colorado, it was close enough to provide solace to my yearning for a mountainous landscape. When I feel the call, it's only 7 hours away. We planned this trip before I lost my job, but since I realized that I was going to be ok financially thanks to steps I took after my last job loss, we made the trip. I mean, it would cost about 3.5 tanks of gas, and room and board were provided by family. It's a quick, easy, cheap way to get away.

I had tossed around the idea of proposing to Laura on the trip to Atlanta while in the Smokies. After all, I couldn't' guarantee that I could make it to Colorado like I had hoped. How long was I going to wait? The urge to pop the question kept brewing up in me, and I almost asked on several occasions where the moment seemed right. But I held off, cause I'm a bit girly at times and didn't want to let go of my mountain proposal. But I really was fighting with myself deciding whether to compromise for the Smokies, or wait for a trip that may not happen this year.

About two weeks ago, I had an epiphany that made my decision clear. We don't have very long on this earth. It was one of those moments that really makes that fact hit you to the core, even though you already are aware of that fact. Nothing happened to trigger it, rather it was a sudden random realization. We don't have long on this planet, and all the money and material bullshit is just bullshit. The important things in life are who you spend it with and that you grab what you want now instead of waiting. There may not be a tomorrow, so get it now and value it. So that's what I decided to do. I would propose in the Smokies.

Saturday morning in Atlanta, before Laura and I went to Stone Mountain, my aunt is cutting my hair and starts asking me about Laura. She asks if I'm happy, then asks if I'm gonna propose. When I answered yes, this was like the first acknowledgement of this fact to anyone in person. I'd had chats with a friend in Indiana (thanks Kyle) about it, but this was my first vocalization of it to another person. This made it more real, but it didn't change my mind. It was a good acknowledgment to make to myself, and cemented my goal of doing it on that trip.

My aunt freaked out, and started getting really girly. When I told Cheryl that I didn't have a ring to give Laura, she whisked me up to her jewelry collection and started looking for a ring to give me as an heirloom. She then found a sneaky way of getting Laura's ring size, which luckily was really close to her own size. So Cheryl found a ring, cleaned it, and put it in a box. I hid it in my laundry, then my aunt and uncle prayed for a long healthy marriage.

When Laura and I took off for Stone Mountain, Cheryl made reservations at a nice, albeit expensive, Italian restaurant. She insisted that they break their rule of not reserving specific tables because she wanted to get us this nice corner table with a view. I think it was named ""Tuscany", and was only a few miles from their home in Woodstock Georgia. Cheryl was hoping I'd propose at the restaurant in front of her, which was out of the question because I wanted it to be a more personal intimate proposal, but this is why Cheryl went through all the trouble to get the perfect table and make a nice evening for us. I appreciate it, and it was a great gesture, it just wasn't how I wanted to do it.

That night, I couldn't sleep. Something Rick had said while praying for our union stuck in my head, and made me briefly re-examine. He prayed that I'd have the strength to be a father to her children. This brought up my fear of not being able to provide for them, and made me question whether it was the right time. But as I lie there next to her, I'd look at her and those fears were put to rest. I would find a way to make it work…..because it's worth it.

So after only 5 hours of sleep, I wake up at 5 am and start packing to leave for the Smokies. By 6:30, we were in the car and on our way. By almost 10 am, we were in the park. This was a big deal to me on another level because this was Laura's first trip to a national park. I wanted it to really impress. We entered on the North Carolina side near Cherokee. Not far into the park, we found a visitor center with memorabilia and park rangers. I bought a couple of shirts for Laura's kids, then bought a magnet from the park to commemorate the trip. I had a collection of magnets from parks that I'd visited previously in my last relationship, but she took them when she moved out. Laura and I decided to start our own collection to commemorate our travels to the parks. So we bought our first national park magnet, which is now on my fridge.



While in the park, we also bought National Park Passports that we can have stamped as we "collect" our parks together. They are kept in my car, and have a date stamp for the date we went to our first park together.

We found out that due to the unusually warm winter, they opened the lookout on Clingman's dome early for the season. That very day was the first day it was open for the season, though it normally is closed till April 1st. So we embarked on our trip up the park road. As we started climbing through the switchbacks looking at mountain vistas and feeling in awe of the landscapes that surrounded me, I could feel that it was right. I was gonna do it, and nothing was gonna stop me. So I found a pull off with an amazing panorama. Fortunately it was early in the day so there weren't many tourists on the park service road, and the pull off I found was empty other than our car.

I remembered this spot specifically because this was the only place in the park I could get reception on my phone. I called Laura from this spot on my last trip through the park last November to tell her how much i wished she were there because it was so amazingly beautiful. I actually thought to myself last November that this spot would make a great place for the proposal if Colorado doesn't work out for some reason.

And 4 months later, I have Laura in that spot. I take her by the hand, and lead her down a little path into the foliage. We were alone, even if someone pulled into the parking lot above. It was here that I let it out.

I had rehearsed this about 50 times in my head, but when it came down to THE moment, my brain stopped wanting to work. So I stuck with the cliffnotes. lol.

When I told her how I felt, and that I couldn't imagine anything in my life being the same without her in it, I then asked her to marry me. This clearly caught her off guard, cause she seemed stunned, but after a half second pause (which seemed like an eternity to me…..), she said yes.

The rest of the trip in the park seemed to be that much more awesome because of this amazing connection that had been made. I do feel like we connected on such a deeper level because of it, and that feeling persists now. I can feel it now very strongly despite our 60 mile distance from each other at this moment. We drove through the rest of the park seeing the sights with a visible glow about us.



I feel that this has brought us closer in a lot of ways. I couldn't be happier that she said yes. Having done it, I'm glad I didn't wait for what my head told me was the right moment (i.e. Colorado), because it's not about knowing what you want and waiting for it to happen. It's about knowing what you want and going for it when you want it. I wanted my engagement ring on her finger, and I didn't want to wait any longer to ask if I could put it there.

And although I'm extremely happy about the fact that it's happened, late at night I sit up anxiously worrying about getting my shit in order. I mean, I now will have to be a provider not just for myself, but for 3 other people. I'm not going to back out of this, that's not what my anxiousness is about. I am however terrified. I'm 31, I don't have anything to offer except a wing and a prayer, and I'm taking on responsibility for other human beings who will be completely dependent on me and Laura.

In other words, if I fail now, I'm not the only one who goes under. Things were easier in my previous relationship, because not as much was on the line and I hadn't matured enough yet to really give a damn about money and our future. This is one thing I feel tore that relationship apart. What if I can't get my shit together now? Much more is on the line now.

I came back to Ohio with an extreme can-do attitude. But when I woke up the next morning I started feeling the first real waves of fear. But I imagine most new fathers feel this fear when they find out they will be responsible for another person. I'm just feeling it for the first time at 31, and they aren't even my kids. That doesn't mean I won't do everything I can for them as though they were my kids, but feeling that fear of the "what if" makes me feel kinda numb and disconnected when I'm by myself.

I'm trying to keep my feelings and emotions in check so that nothing builds up inside, so before going to bed I explored myself and found this wall of fear. Laura and I have talked about this already, and I didn't wanna wake her up with it, so I turned to the blog. But what started as a quick explanation of the fear I was feeling has taken me 90 minutes to write.

I do feel better after writing it, and I do look forward to many happy and healthy years ahead with my future wife. She's such an amazing woman, and she gives me strength to make myself a better person. But I know that if I never amount to anything, she'll still love me just the same. It's a wonderful feeling to know that to the very core of yourself. I couldn't ask for a better best friend and companion to share my life with. I look forward to many travels and life experiences, and I look forward to the good times and the bad. I want it all, as long as she's with me for it all.



I love you Laura.

What a weekend…

Since last fall after returning from my family's home in Atlanta, I decided that I would take a trip down there with Laura during spring break. That trip happened this weekend. I left at 7:30 Friday morning from Marion, picked Laura up at 8:30 in Columbus, and we were on our way.

This was a big deal for me, cause it was the first road trip with Laura that would be of a greater distance than 100 miles one way. I love to travel, and she'd never been further south than Kentucky. I keep a tally of the states I've been too, so I was giddy at the chance to add states to her tally this weekend (whether she really cared or not…lol).

Driving through southern Kentucky we hit some major rain. We were looking for a place to pull over and eat, but decided to wait till we got to Tennessee because of the rain. When we got to Tennessee, it was cloudy, but not raining. So we sat to eat, but as we finished the rain we ran from in Kentucky found us. So we hit the road to get out of a heavy wet pummeling yet again. Stopping at a gas station south of Knoxville, we found ourselves facing another storm front head on. This one was more intense with lots of lightning. I got some really cool cloud pics around Riceville before all hell broke loose.







We got into Georgia, and hit my Uncle's house in Woodstock around 6:20pm. Some nervous small talk, some dinner on the grill, and a beer or two, then before you know it the conversations were flowing like water. We had a good time, and talked about a lot of things before they settled off for bed. Laura and I went to a nearby Walmart to buy me some tennis shoes, as I knew I'd want to do some hiking on this trip and my only pair were in disrepair. It's a real challenge to find a pair of 11 1/2 wides at Walmart at 10:00 at night, so I found a pair of 12 wides that fit really well and only cost $15. Not bad. They'd be put to the test the next day.

We woke up early, around 9 or so and wend down for breakfast. Rick & Cheryl had bought a new fridge and were going to stay behind while it was installed, so Laura and I made plans to head up to Stone Mountain and hike up the side. Around 2:00 we were in the car heading to Stone Mountain, and when we got there it was really hot out. Imagine walking up a granite slab that ascends 900 feet up with the Georgia sun beating down on my balding head. I got a mild sunburn, but it was worth it.

After about 30 minutes of tiresome walking, we arrived up on the summit of Stone Mountain. There were tons of people there, which turned me off to it a bit. I like nature, and feel that Stone Mountain should've been turned into a National Monument rather than a tourist trap, but it's too late for that now. There's a cable car lift that takes you to the top, a gift shop with soda machines priced at $3.25-bottle, and a major Amusement Park feel to the whole area. I liked this when i was a kid, but I'm not a kid anymore and would much rather they preserved the mountain and made only minor human accommodations to it to allow access to it's serenity. But it's too late for that. It's already privately owned, and it is what it is. Although, if a petition were to ever circulate requesting that Stone Mountain be turned over to the NPS, I'd sign.

Anyway, there were a ton of people up there. Screaming kids, a church groups of over 100 teens playing a loud game, foreign tourists left and right snapping odd pics….not a serene environment by any stretch of the means. But I still found a few cool photos, then retreated to a far corner of the summit that was relatively uninhabited by tourism.











I laid there with Laura, enjoying the relative peace for a few minutes before a herd of small children bombarded our secluded side of the stone. Noticing we were getting close to time to head back for dinner, we decided to retreat on foot back down the side of the granite tourist magnet. My aunt Cheryl had made dinner reservations at a nice Italian restaurant, and we had to get back in time to meet them.

Dinner was awesome. There's no comparing an amazing Italian dinner to anything of this world if it's done right. The salad vinaigrette was sublime and subtle, the bread rolls kept you diving in for more, and my dinner plate had me diving in until I knew there was no force eating room left in me. I ordered the Tour of Italy, which included Linguine Alfredo, Chicken Parmesan, and Lasagna with Meat Sauce. Laura had her italian favorite, Eggplant Parmesan. I'll need to learn to cook that for her, as I've grown to really like it too.

We retreat back home so that my aunt and uncle can watch the UK game, and Laura and I retreat to our quarters to watch TV in our respective food coma's. But by the time the game was over, Cheryl approached me like a hawk with a spoonful of cinnamon. She'd mentioned the Cinnamon Challenge to me at dinner, and I'd never heard of it, so I ignorantly agreed to try it. Here's the result, for all the world to see.



NEVER TRY THAT. EW.

Anyway, that was the extent of our Atlanta trip, and I had plans to stop in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park the next day with Laura. But to do this, I had to get up around 5 am to get ready. I was on the road by 6:30 am to get to the park, and this was necessary because after leaving the park we had to drive back to Columbus Ohio. This would equate into 16 hours behind the wheel.

Big things happened at the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. There will be a separate blog post for that. But here's a hint...

On the horizon.....

I'm anticipating a refund on my taxes this year. Now, I'm not one to count my chickens before they've hatched, and since I haven't yet collected all the necessary data to do my taxes, I don't know if it'll be a refund or if I'll have to pay. But that isn't keeping me from window shopping what I'd do with the tax return.

The first priority for it....

ROAD TRIP!



I'll be using the tax return to go on a much needed vacation back to the Colorado Rockies for a week in June! If all goes according to plan, I'll have enough money to not worry about the week off work I'll be taking, and be able to spend a worry free week in the Rockies with Laura by my side.

I'll just say this. It's going to be a trip that won't be forgotten.

So let's just keep our fingers crossed that this is reasonable considering how my financial state develops over the next 5 months! Fingers crossed!

Why it's a big deal.....

I'm planning a trip to Colorado in June. This has been discussed here, and one of the things that makes me feel optimistic is knowing that I'm planning this trip. But here I am, 5 months before the trip, looking at my financial outlook over the next few months and worrying if I'll be able to afford the trip after all. This would be a major esteem blow, and I can honestly say I'd feel trapped if I had to put this trip off for yet another year. I can't stand this feeling, and I'm growing increasingly pissed off that my money situation isn't improving.

This trip for me is a priority. It's a symbol that I can make my life be what I want it to be, and that I can accomplish my goals. It's a call to action to get my shit together and work toward a goal, and will help me solidify my convictions to get what I want out of life. It'll help show me that if you work hard,  you can achieve your goals. It'll help show me that I can overcome the shitty place that I find myself in, which is a huge deal to me.

Most of all it'll help me see that I am not to fall victim to the shitty place I was left in.

Yes, it's just a road trip, but for me it's a big deal for those personal reasons. If I can't make this trip happen...............?

Odd fluctuations.

I find it strange how often my mood about things fluctuates. I'm going constantly between being moody and emo about things to being pissed off to being optimistic to being emo and moody again. It's happening too often. I'm starting to wonder if there's not something deeper going on that needs addressed, but even if I could afford a therapist, when the hell would I find the time?

I'm extremely optimistic about my 5 year plan. I get really happy and excited thinking about moving back to Colorado. But then I get really pissed off at having left, and how things fell apart after I left. Then I get happy about my relationship and the way things are going in some respects, but then I get all moody and emo about everything that's happened over the last 18 months.

I want some stability. I'm sick and tired of not being sure what the hell I want, or what the hell I am feeling. I'm also getting really sick and tired of bitching about missing Colorado. I don't want it any less, but I'm getting tired of bitching about being away from it.

I guess I don't understand where I'm at emotionally at the moment, and that's frustrating. It doesn't seem I can get what I want without massive amounts of work and patience, and that creates a lot of anger because I don't want to have to wait any longer.

I just don't wanna be all moody and emo anymore. I want stability emotionally, and I want to be happy.

2011.

There's so much I wanna touch on. I don't honestly know where to begin.

It's 1 week before Christmas 2011.

On Christmas Day it will be 18 months to the day since we drove out of Conifer Colorado in the moving van……

……it'll be 1 year and 2 months approximately since Sarah first hinted that she was having second thoughts about our 12 years together……..

……it'll be 1 year exactly since she let it slip on Christmas Day 2010 that our relationship was in fact over……

It'll be 10.5 months since she finally was able to move her belonging out of the house, and transformed from my best friend into a major source of stress and despair in my life.

I'm over it. I've indicated this. I've moved on, and am now with a woman who loves me, respects me, has faith in me, and who I doubt I'll ever be able to let go of because of those reasons…….and because of so many more.

But the fact is that I still have a lot of anger and resentment. It's bubbling up like crazy right now, and I need to get it out.

For instance, I've made no secret of the fact that I was in love with the Rocky Mountains. It's approximately 18 months now since I've last laid eyes on them before slipping away like a thief in the night. If you read this blog, you know how big of a loss that has been for me. But just when I thought it was getting better……….it got worse.

Over Thanksgiving this year, I went to Atlanta Georgia to visit my family. This was my first road trip of any significance without Sarah, and it was a much needed experience. I wished that Laura could've been there, but I made the most out of being in the region. On my way back, I stopped in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.



I'm not sure if this was a great trip, or a big mistake.

There I was, completely in awe and completely in love with the landscape. It was like having the Rockies in the heart of the Plains. I was geeking out, taking photos and videos at every turn. I went to the top of Clingman's Dome, even though it was covered in a cloud bank and I couldn't technically see beyond 30 feet. But it was covered in conifer trees, and I was breathing the cool thin mountain air, and I honestly felt like I was at home again.

It was something my soul needed…….

…….but now I can't stop thinking about home. I can't stop getting hourly flashes of the landscapes I left behind 18 months ago. It's a constant reminder of everything I've lost, and it's driving me nuts. And note that I am not exaggerating when I say that it occurs hourly.

I'm planning a return trip with Laura in June, and it'll be nearly 2 years since I left, but it won't be enough. I have too many places I'll want to see when I'm there, and I'll have too many people to want to visit, and I'll never want to leave. I know this will be a great trip spiritually, but then I'll leave again. I don't know how I'll handle that.

I know I'm getting all emo about a bunch of geological features that really hold no significance to how I live my life, but there's nothing like this place that I've ever seen in my life. I couldn't imagine anywhere more beautiful, and when I lived there for two years I'd constantly be out and about looking at my surroundings. They gave me peace, and they were a spiritual escape.

………and now they are gone. Now the relationship that defined me for 12 years is gone. Now the business opportunities I had begin while living there are gone. Now, after everything I've given up over the last 12 years for one person, I had to start from scratch in every way this year.

That infuriates me.

I remember one year ago this week. Sarah's brother's birthday is on the 23rd of December, and we'd usually head for Wheelersburg around that date. But Sarah and I would have our own Christmas celebration before opening gifts with family. I remember doing what I felt was a symbolic measure to show her that I was changing and going to be acting more responsibly, which was a great divider for us. I remember getting her mother, brother, and her brother's wife, to pitch in for a laptop for her for Christmas. This was to replace the one I'd dropped and busted just before we moved from Colorado. After getting her a laptop, I also bought her Mario for her Wii. These were both items that she wanted very much, and I got them for her as a symbolic gesture that I was going to be more responsible and take everything more seriously.

She loved the laptop. She loved the video game. She was ecstatic………and she seemed to appreciate the note in the Christmas card attached to the laptop that said that it was a symbolic gesture.....but 5 days later it was all for nothing.

January came, and I was begging her not to move out. It would be a financial nightmare for me, cause I wasn't sure if I could afford this house on my own. I was showing her that we could pay off our debts if we stuck to a budget and be in a better financial place if she'd just stay in the house and not increase our individual monthly expenses by adding on her own set of rent and utility bills. I begged and pleaded, and she seemed interested……….

But then on February 5th, I came home to a nearly empty house.

I kinda feel that if you're gonna leave someone, and they didn't want you to, that the least you could do is leave them some fucking furniture. I kinda feel that if you're the one to leave, you forfeit that stuff. You're leaving the person behind after all, so are you really gonna take away most of the possessions that you both shared as well? I don't think that's fair. She left me with my studio gear, a TV, a couple of end tables, and my grandfathers old easy chair that I had been sleeping in for the past few months.

I still feel abandoned. I still feel cast aside. I still feel like I wasn't important to her anymore, and she was making no secret of it. I still feel like she lost faith in me long ago, and despite the fact that I was legitimately willing to change my ways to be a more responsible person, she'd heard it enough and didn't give a fuck anymore.

I'm still angry.

This is my cross to bear, but it's still here. It won't go away. It's been fucking with me all year.

Couple that with the fact that I'm now separated with the place that I literally was in love with, and seeing no easy way back to it………..

………..but though it may not be easy, it will happen. It won't happen as soon as I want it to, or I'd have never left. But it will happen. It's just going to take some time now to put a few things in place first.

The things in life that are worth it are worth fighting for. I'm about to bring a reckoning to the pattern my life has seen for it's first 30 years. Ohio has tried to put me in the ground this year, and it doesn't want to let me leave, but I'm waging a war. I will not settle for less. There is no reason I should, because there's no reason I can't have exactly what I want. Period.

So what do I want?

Refer to my 5 year plan to get an overview of what I'm trying to achieve by New Years Eve 2017. There are a few things I've started since writing that blog that weren't mentioned, such as my new record label that I've formed, or my efforts to go into artist management. If I can take one of the artists I have full faith in to another level, then I have earning potential from that and it'll be easier to live life on my terms……

……because as I said, I refuse to compromise.

So let's summarize. I want dual residency between Denver and Columbus. I want this for two reasons. 1 is Laura. She's got ties here that I won't take her from, but I want to live life with her in the Rockies. So this would be a great way to keep her with her family, while getting my mountains back. 2 is for the business possibilities. I'm establishing the label here in Columbus, and I'm establishing the studio here in Columbus. I'm hoping to make those viable income streams while then establishing myself as a national producer who is hired around the country to produce records. Denver makes sense, because it's a major music market. The Flobots and The Fray are both from there. Denver would be a great music industry hub for me.

This is going to take a lot of work. I have to get myself out of debt in the next 5 years, build several businesses into profitable enterprises, reach out to a nationwide artist market as a producer, and create financial independence, all while being a full time student with a full time day job at the moment. It's a bit overwhelming at times. But for the last 1/3 of my life, I've put myself on hold for someone who ultimately cast me aside. I felt that was worth it, because I was happy. Now I'm 30, have nothing saved, and have been through hell in the past 10.5 months.

It's time to change the game. It's time to stop compromising on what I want. It's time to reach for it with every ounce of my being. FUCK EVERYONE who stands in my way. I WILL have EXACTLY what I want, and I will not settle for anything less.

To the one who cast me aside, I'm still angry. Deal with it.

To anyone who wants to hold me down, or who doesn't believe that I can do this, go fuck yourselves.

To Laura, the woman I love with all of my soul, thank you for your undying faith in me. I promise to give this everything I have and build a better life for both of us.



To the music industry, look out for me. Here I come.

To Colorado, stay beautiful for my return.

Going home.

I don't recognize myself. The person who I was for the latter half of my 20's is gone. I'm no longer that person. I don't even recognize who I was 12 months ago, as I was making my last desperate pleas to Sarah not to leave after 12 years.

So much has changed since then. It's like I've been poured out, shaken around, purified, stripped away, and left alone to find my way back from it all. I don't like the journey, but here I am. I don't feel the journey is done, but for the most part my inner turmoil is over. I've inflicted pain, been deceitful, been dishonest, and ignored my inner spirit's own callings…….only to hit rock bottom and begin climbing out in a different direction.

Things are different.

That is to say that things will never be the same.

Ever.

But here I am. I'm 30, have been living alone in this house for almost a year, and I've got a more galvanized attitude toward the goals I want to achieve in life thanks to the ordeal I've gone through this year.

And yet the fucked up thing is that there's one thing I can't shake.

Colorado.

In some ways, it's just a state, but in other ways, I felt alive living there.

I haven't felt that alive since.

I'm in love again, and that's an amazing experience……but I can't shake the amazing wonders I've seen. It almost seems like a dream, which makes it something of a nightmare because I can't wake up from it to realize it was only a dream. It's more like I'm stuck in the nightmare knowing that this amazingly beautiful and peaceful place exists, and that my soul calls to it, but I can't have it. I'm envious of those who do, knowing that some of them are taking it for granted. I hate them.

All I know is that, despite my entire person being morphed and changed over the last year, this is one thing that sticks with me. Until I can see the vast expanse of the rockies again, and live amongst it's wildness and seclusion, I fear that I'll always be somewhat of a shell of a person.

If you've been, you know what I'm talking about. If you've been, but don't know what I'm talking about, shame on you.

I plan to return with Laura in June of 2012. This will only be a vacation, but it'll also be a homecoming that will be hard for me to return from. I have so many sights I want to see while I'm there. I'm excited to see how Laura handle's the 14,264 foot peak of Mt. Evans, considering her athsma. I want to budget enough time to drive down through the San Luis Valley after dawn to watch the sun rise over the Sangre De Cristo Range. I want to hit up the Great Sand Dunes National Park while in the San Luis Valley, and add another park to my list……only now I'd be racking up parks with Laura as opposed to Sarah. Part of me wants to revisit parks I've been to before so that I can show Laura the parks for her first visit, and part of me wants to see new parks and continue to grow my National Parks experiences with the new love of my new life.

Even now, on a daily basis………actually on an hourly basis……. I close my eyes and see myself in the mountains. I can't imagine a different future for myself. I can't imagine a place more beautiful and pure. I can't imagine spending it with anyone other than Laura, and I can't imagine living out the rest of my days in Ohio. I just can't have it happen that way.

I listen to Paramore and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to Slipknot and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to Tori Amos and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to Flyleaf and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to 5 Finger Death Punch……….and after I get over how much I really don't like that band, I'm reminded of how often they were played on KBPI in Denver…..which reminds me of the Rockies (Damn you 5FDP).

I see myself driving down 285 by Aspen Park. I see myself in the King Soopers at Aspen Park when I'm grocery shopping in the Kroger in Marion Ohio. I look at Google Earth's 3D view of the mountains and retrace my old routes from the plains back up into the mountains.

I think it's safe to say that I'm obsessed. I prefer to say that I'm in love. I'm in love with a landscape that constantly made my heart sing by it's sheer beauty alone. The wildlife, the weather, the plants, the altitude…….it all became a part of me that I'll not be able to shake until I can return on a permanent basis.

I'll admit that I'm a little drunk while typing this, but all of this is true. I can't shake it. I'll return, there's no question. And when I do, I don't know how my soul will react. It'll be positive, but it could also be very emotional. I could buckle down and cry, who knows. But I do know that I want to return, and live there with Laura.

Laura's a key part of this. Would I move back if she weren't in my life? Sure. But would I be as excited? No. She fills my heart with the kind of passion that makes a place like that seem that much more important. I really want to share the entire planet with her. I want to spend the rest of my days with her. I can't imagine anyone else in the picture.

But this post isn't about Laura. It's about how I can still see myself on Richmond Hill Road, south of 285, seeing the mountains in the distance from a clearing as I face south, and feeling like I've stumbled into some magical place that simply can't be real. It's about coming up I-70 WB by the Buffalo Herd Overlook west of Denver and being in complete awe in every way every single time I came over that ridge, stunned by the view of the Continental Divide. It's about going home.

Time alone on the road.....

My wanderlust got the best of me this weekend. It was pretty bad......in such a good way.

I was trying to be productive Sunday. Balancing school, work, studio work, doing shows, ect....I hardly have a time to just do something for the soul. I've been dying to go on a road trip lately, but haven't had the cash to do so and have a persisting thought of being too busy to plan anything.

So Sunday, I was running errands. I was going to go to Walmart and do some grocery shopping. But when I got there, around 2:30, I found myself turning on NPR and playing Angry Birds in my car for 30 minutes. I think I just didn't wanna keep going without doing something for me. I deserved it, right? The thought of just continuing on without taking some ME time, it was actually kind of pissing me off.

So at 3:00, I had a moment of spontaneity. I decided that I wasn't going to do anything until I'd had an open road moment. I needed it, and I was going to get it, damnit!

So I drove out of Marion, hitting US 23 northbound. I had no destination in mind, I was just going to drive and see where the road took me. As I crossed into Wyandotte County, I got ecstatic! I hadn't been through this part of Ohio in YEARS, but it was just nice to have the open road in front of me and be able to go exploring! I really need to do that more often, it felt REALLY freeing!

I'm driving nb on US 23, thinking that I'd drive up to Findlay and turn back. But then, along the way just north of Upper Sandusky, I made the split second decision to turn off and take another road to see where it was going! This wound up being Rt. 199, which goes past the Wyandot County Aiport, and took me to Carey Ohio. I began thinking that I'd just stay on 199, and head up to Fostoria before turning back. But I missed the turn in Carey and decided to just keep going anyway. Turns out that I was now on 568, which lead to Findlay anyway, so I decided to just head up there.

Just past Carey, I pulled over to take a picture of a vanalized billboard. You've gotta love bored people in small town Ohio!




So I continue down 568 into Findlay. This town reminds me severely of Marion, and Portsmouth, and even though it seems more quaint and has a certain charm, I'd go crazy living there. I already am going crazy living in Marion, and I've already done Portsmouth.

When I was in the heart of Findlay, I saw a road I was familiar with, Rt. 37. This road goes south through Richwood and LaRue, so I decided to take this road to get home, as I'd never driven that stretch of Rt. 37. Just after turning on the road, I stopped for gas. Adding to the charm of this typical small-town-in-Ohio town as the culture I encountered at the gas station. I saw a scraggly blonde woman in her early 20's surrounded by 3-4 kids that couldn't have been older than 5, and she was talking to her friend. I heard her say to her friend "....and I missed a court date that I didn't even know that I HAD?!?!?" - Ah, gotta love small town Ohio!

So I snapped one more photo before embarking out of Findlay, this one was of me looking at downtown from my drivers side mirror. Nothing special, but I thought I'd share.



So I continued on my drive down 37. I was thinking originally of driving down to Bellefountaine, but decided to just find my way back home instead. But somehow I missed a turn on my way and I found myself on Rt. 68 heading south instead of Rt. 37. This was still cool, cause I'd never been there before. I noticed that Rt. 68 ran into Kenton, which connected to Marion via Rt. 309. So that was my plan of action. The drive from that point was relatively uneventful, but it was just nice to be on the road and experience the thrill of being behind the wheel with miles ahead of me. I honestly feel a lot better having had the chance to get out of my routine and do this for myself, even though it was a senseless waste of fossil fuels. I'm looking forward to doing it again!

E.R.

Ugh.

I went to the ER today.

I started having chest pains that were mild, but they were restricting my breathing. They lasted for about 15 minutes. Then, I started feeling all tingly all over, like I had been hyperventilating.

My day started off well, Laura and I went to the Rennaissance Festival in Harveysburg! This was my first trip to the Ren-Fest without Sarah…..Ever. I'd never been to one without her until today. So today was a big deal for me in some ways. But today was fun. It was new, and it was different from what I was used to, but it was fun in it's own right.

So on one level, this meant something grand for me!

MY FIRST VACATION! LOL!

I was so stoked to be on the open road again that I took this picture!


This was my first non-business related trip since Sarah left, and I relished in being on the open road again! It's a thrill for me to just get behind the wheel and be one with the highway, and be with someone I love. I'd missed that, and it was long overdue!

And it was already shaping up to be a good day anyway, because I was able to get my iPhone turned back on! I'm no longer a slave to that piece of shit little Nokia I'd been using after my job loss! If I didn't think it would be smart to keep it as a backup, I'd love to smash that little piece of shit! LOL!

But it was on the way home from Harveysburg that the trouble began.


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A little south of Grove City, I started feeling weird tension in my chest. This tension didn't intensify, but it was a dull pain that was constant. It would get sensitive when I breathe in deeply, so I was avoiding breathing past a certain point. After about 15 minutes, it went away, but I was left with a tingling feeling in my upper extremities and my head that didn't go away.

Laura and I decided it would be best to go to the ER when I got to Marion. So we picked up her car, then caravanned over (it's about 1/4 mile, so it wasn't far). When I walked in and told them my symptoms, I was adding light headed-ness to the list. I was standing there in the ER at the desk, and it wasn't as though the room started spinning, but rather that I'd suddenly had almost 2 beers and was feeling the effects of a buzz starting.

I guess they don't fuck around with chest pain at the ER. They grabbed me a wheelchair, and whisked me away to a room, where they removed my shirt and stuck a bunch of sensors on me. I had about 5 people buzzing around me, I felt kind of dumb causing that kind of fuss. lol. Next thing you know, they were messing with getting an IV started, but they lady couldn't tap the vein. So after trying both arms, she gave up and sent someone else to do it.



Let me be clear.

I

HATE

NEEDLES!

I received allergy shots in my teens, and after a while of going to the doctors office to get them administered every week, my Grandmother decided to have them show her how to give them herself! Now, I love granny, but her eye sight is far from what it used to be, and her hands aren't steady. She'd use alcohol on my arm, then miss the area she used the alcohol on with the needle! Her arms weren't steady! She'd stick it in quick, squirt in the medicine really fast, then pull it out and leave a big bump on my arm that would take a few days to go down! NEED I SAY MORE?

So getting stuck in the arms 3 times was a pain in the ass, and in the arms! LOL!

They ran blood tests, monitored my blood pressure, had me hooked up to electronic sensors for a couple of hours to keep an eye on me, and even took chest x-rays! It looks like it all came back clean, so I was advised to reduce my stress level, reduce my caffiene intake, and check in with a general practitioner about my acid reflux.

But there's just one problem with trying to reduce my stress level.

While I sat there in the hospital bed after Laura left to go home, I started watching The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King on TV. The landscapes I saw reminded me of Colorado, and that started me thinking about the mountains. I had decided to stay in bed for the night, even though I was wide awake, and just take it easy so I could relax. But as I laid there, I started looking on youtube at videos of Kings Valley Colorado.

I saw a home listing that was around the corner from my old home in Kings Valley! I recognize this house!



Here's how close this house is to my old place in Conifer!


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I found a video of a snowstorm in Conifer that took place on September 21st, 2009. I WAS THERE during that storm, and I remember it vividly because it was the first snow of the season! It was also Olive's first snowfall….EVER!

(Here's a picture of Olive after having just discovered snow for the first time on the same day, in the same city, that the above video was shot!)

You can see pictures we took of Olive romping in the snow that day at this link.

This all got me thinking about something that would really take a lot of stress off of me........to be able to see my mountains again. I know, we're back to that old song and dance, but fuck off. lol. But seriously, this got me feeling restless, and now instead of resting for the night, I feel motivated to get back to work. I wanna finish some projects I'm mixing so that they can help drive more business to me, helping me cast aside my day job ties, and allowing me to build my business to a self sustaining entity in Columbus Ohio. Once this is done, my transition from local studio owner to independant producer can more easily happen while I collect an income stream from the studio. Once I've established myself as a producer, and am collecting an income stream from Skyline Sound Studios as it operates in Columbus, I can seek residency in Colorado where I will be based 1/2 the year. I'll work 1/2 the year in Colorado, and wherever else my producing duties take me, and keep ties in Columbus as the owner of Skyline. I'll return to Ohio to help keep things running at Skyline, and essentially work out of both locations.

This is rather ambitious, I know, but I am feeling restless tonight and I want to get back to work to make this happen. I know I should take it easy tonight, but here I sit in the control room about to fire up Pro Tools. These records aren't going to mix themselves!

I'll take it easy, and Laura's going to help change my eating and fitness habits so that I can stay healthy. I'm kinda glad I stopped going to the bars rather recently, cause at 30 it might not have been the best idea to try to recapture my early 20's. I was developing a bit of a problem, and I recognize that now in retrospect. Evidently, Laura was balking at my blood pressure readings, so it's time for some things to give. I'll keep an eye on my health, and not overstress myself...

...But tonight, I'm going back to work.

(P.S. - Thanks everyone on facebook for all your concern. It means a lot. You really have no idea how much.)