Colorado Calling

Today is fathers day.

Three years ago today, I was visiting Arches National Park. I remember calling my father to wish him a happy fathers day for the first time, then I called Dad and did the same. (If you haven't caught on, Father birthed me, Dad raised me). Sarah and I then spent the day rolling through Arches National Park in areas that were more difficult to access, and hence away from the choke of the Fathers Day tourists. She drove a 4WD Ford Explorer, so we could go places most couldn't. There were some really cool sights there. I'd love to go back sometime.

Olive caught a tumbleweed there. One of her more adorable moments.

Two years ago today, I was getting ready to work one of my last days at King Soopers in Evergreen as we prepared to embark on what would become my life's greatest transformation. Fearing what she saw as inevitable budget cuts at the Jefco library system, and extremely unhappy at the hands of a tyrannical boss, Sarah went on the job hunt. She landed a job that took us back to Ohio, where we grew up and met 11 years earlier. She decided to take the job, and we began packing up to move away from the land that I had grown to love with every fiber of my soul. I had no idea how much of a pull the Rockies would have on me, and I lied to myself about wanting to move back. I would've done anything for her, and that included uprooting myself every two years to move to a new location (which hindered my ability to find any stabilization in my professional life), but I was happy to do it for her.







One year ago today, everything was completely different. The mountains were gone. Sarah was gone. My sanity was gone. I began lashing out in horrible ways at those I love in ways that I will be ashamed of till the day I die. Every aspect of my life was completely different, and every aspect of my life was utter turmoil. I was struggling for studio clients, and had lost my job due to a mass layoff. I was desperately waiting for unemployment benefits, and worried that I wasn't going to make it. I began dumpster diving for scrap metal to keep food on the table and gas in my tank. I was drinking. When everything in someone's life falls away like dominoes being knocked over, it's a very trying time. This was the great transformation I mentioned above, and I fear that without it I would not be the person I am today. I'm not the person Sarah left. I'm not the person my friends in Colorado knew. I'm not the person Laura reunited with in March of last year. I'm not the person most of the people I associated with a year ago knew then. I'm a completely different individual with a completely new set of goals and priorities. When you're broken down like that and forced to rebuild from the ground up, you're not going to recognize the new structure.

Today, everything is vastly better for me than it was last year when I was going through hell. I'm emotionally stable, and I've quit drinking. I've got studio clients, and I've got a stable roof over my head. 3 months ago, I became engaged to Laura.

Laura agreed to spend the rest of her life with me after everything I've put her through. She's one of the most selfless people I've ever met, and I have infinite amounts of admiration for her strength and spirit. She helped pull me through my struggles last summer even when I tried to force her out of my life because I was confused about everything. I'm forever in her debt for not giving up on me. I'm forever in her debt for helping re-stabilize me. I'm forever in her debt for the hell I've put her through. I've never loved anyone more than I love her. And she's given me two wonderful children, her beautiful twin daughters Celest and Lotus.

Celest

Lotus

To be honest, I'm very happy here. My first custom studio facility is about to open. I'm living in Columbus with my new family, and have been finally emancipated from Marion Ohio! I've fallen in love with my step-daughters, and every time they smile my heart melts. They are beautiful little women, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

After all I've lost, I've been able to regain traction on my life. I've found happiness and a new direction. I've replaced almost everything in my life that I had lost, and couldn't be happier.

But there's something missing.

I still think about Colorado all the time, and I still feel it's call regularly. I still long to see the beautiful panorama I took for granted every time I walked out the door. I still yearn for the cool and light mountain air. I still ache for the views that thrilled my soul every day. Witnessing immensely beautiful landscapes every day for two years that made my soul sing the praises of heaven became like a drug. Now that I'm away from anything that beautiful in nature, my soul hasn't had it's fix and is making me crazy from it's yearning.

When one gets accustomed to immense beauty that causes excitement of the body and mind, they can begin to rely on the jolt of adrenaline they receive when they are in those surroundings. When you take that away, the spirit yearns to be returned every day until the reunion happens. It's almost like weening oneself from a drug that takes a lifetime to exit the system. It won't let me go.

So here I sit, reflecting on everything that I have now, and I am truly happy here. But  these thoughts about the mountains are once again making my happiness a bittersweet engagement.

The only solution I can see is to return, even if only for a momentary visit now and then, so that I can get my fix. I sound like a meth head, but that's how strong this is. It was just validated by a friend I met in Indiana who moved to Colorado Springs in January. She told me she's falling in love with the mountains too, which shows me that it's not just me. It's a deep spiritual calling for me, and I think she's starting to feel it too based on what she said.

Jen, eat it up. See what you can. Life can take you away from it before you're ready. See it all, over and over again, and appreciate it every day. Otherwise, you could become a whining mountain loving emo hippie bastard like me.....lol.