Confidence Roller Coaster

I'm a person who has a ton of confidence. It takes a lot of confidence to do what I do, considering all of the business ventures I attempt. After all, what person without confidence would think they are good enough to try this?

But that confidence is shaky under stress. It's more of a roller coaster ride, with many pitfalls that dip deep down into over-analyzation of self. That can make me crash quickly to the point where I'm desperately trying to figure out how I'm going to keep going. In this state, it seems quickly that the whole world is against me, and that I've done so very wrong by everyone I know. It's tough to hold my head up to my family, and it's tough to look myself in the mirror.

Moments of desperation that severe usually are rare. But when you factor in money issues, they become far more frequent. I've got a plan to remedy my money issues, but it'll take some time to implement. Meanwhile, the cycle continues, and all I can do is watch and hope for the best.

But the fucked up thing is that when this happens, I'll dip down REALLY low, freak out for a while, then boost right back up really quickly! This could be indicative of some sort of mood disorder, who knows. Maybe depression that's gone untreated? Whatever the mental cause, when I do start my climb out of that deep of a fall, it's very quick as if I've been launched up. I feel suddenly like I can take on the whole world, and the whole world can kiss my ass! It's not a fun ride, but it happens like this every single time. It gets exhausting.

Snapping....

I've been getting stressed out a lot lately. I think I need some serious Me time. I'm starting to feel like everything is compounding, and I need to walk away for a bit.

Its 9 degrees in Blacklick Estates today. The pipes in the kitchen are frozen, and although they haven't busted, they make it a huge hassle to wash the dishes. The dishwasher feeds off of that line, so it's handwashing time. But since the pipes are both frozen, we have to bring water in from the bathtub to do anything. This is a Major hassle, and even though Sylvia is doing them today, just knowing that it's fucked up is enough to cause me to want to scream. We've been trying to thaw them for a day now, and no luck.

Also, the door to the basement is coming off of its hinges.

I have no money, and couldn't really afford groceries for the house last night, but if I have to rent at the business late in order to keep my kids fed, then so be it. The paperwork for my new job, that I've been working at for 3+ weeks now, just came in for me to submit in order to get paid. I may not get my first check til Feb 1st, and other revenue streams are completely dry. Right now, with the holidays having just passed, no one's beating down the door to the studio, so I'm not pulling in anything right now at all.

There would be some hope in knowing that my overage check would be here soon, as school starts on the 14th of January. They would have to have the check to me in time for me to buy my books....BUT, Columbus State's new policy fucks me on that one. They keep the money at the book store for the first two weeks, then disburse it to you after you've bought the books. They did this to fight people using school as a way to pay the bills, then not going to class. Ok, I'm falling in the "I need the school money to pay the bills" situation right now, and I understand where they are coming from, but this is REALLY fucking me right now.

My dad said he'd send me some money early for my Birthday, which is the 23rd, but it's probably not gonna be enough to cover things.

I'm on edge constantly, and I just feel like it's all against me. If I can get on top of it, I'll be ok. But it'll take me at least a month to get there. During that month, my resources will run completely dry, and I'll have to figure something out. I'm considering selling plasma again, which I haven't done since last time I was in College. I'm also looking for anything I can sell at the local pawn shop to keep something coming in.

I'm about ready to snap. Photography isn't helping me. Time alone isn't helping me. I think I need to just spend a day at the studio working on my own projects and de-stress. I'm gonna try that today, as I'm gonna work on The Metal Shop today as well as Project DIVIDE. I may even work on some of my solo music.

I just need a day away.

I need a victory

I've decided that I need a victory.

The label has ballooned the size of the initial idea into something that won't see any real revenues for quite some time, and caused me to have to do a lot of work with no reward in the foreseeable future.

Project DIVIDE dropped off for a while so that I could set up the new studio location, and now that it's back in action there's a lot of work to do there in order to get the first EP out.

The podcast went into a temporary podfade, and I'm trying to re-generate it back into my weekly priority list.

The studio got busy, but then dropped off hard.

And my solo music efforts have flatlined. I haven't done a show in almost a year.

I feel bogged down with work that isn't getting me anywhere, and lacking in work that IS getting me somewhere. I think if I could just get one or two of these other projects up and running finally, I'd be in better spirits. But it's taking so long for many of them with no end in sight.

So I've decided that I'm gonna re-record my solo track "Thoughtless", make a videosong for it, and put it on itunes as a solo single. After all, it'll cost me almost nothing to put on itunes, and the sense of accomplishment will hopefully kick my confidence back up to where it needs to be so that I can endure the other projects. I need some sort of personal victory, after all I've been working for SO long on all of these other projects with no reward and it's easy to become unmotivated now.

So that's what I'm gonna do. I'll get started on it in October. I'm gonna do it all myself, spend a day filming and recording it, and get it mixed as I go. The next day, I'll sit here till the videosong is done. Then I'll get it off to be mastered, and go ahead and submit it through either tunecore or CD baby (still unsure).

I've got to do something.

Failing?

I feel like things are failing all around me again. This time, I'm trying to fight to keep it from happening, but this time it's not regarding my relationship. However, if the things that I feel that I'm losing control of DO fail, I worry about the fallout that will have on my relationship.

That being said, it's like right now I can't catch a break. Everyone wants something yesterday that I don't have today and may not have tomorrow. I'm having major stress headaches over the last few days, and don't know whether or not I'll be able to tread water or if I'll sink hard and fast.

I'm scared of failing. More importantly, I'm scared of showing my face at home if I do fail, and scared of the embarrassment of knowing I failed. My logical brain says she'll love me forever regardless of success, but my irrational brain gets worked up and can't stand the thought of letting her and the kids down.

I know that it's time for a change in course, but the scary thing is that I'm worried about lasting a matter of DAYS instead of weeks. I'm worried that it may not matter at all in 2 weeks, and all my efforts will have been for nothing.

But if I can make it through this hurdle, I have ideas of different directions I can go to turn this around. It's clear that the way I've been proceeding hasn't paid off quickly enough. It's time to regroup and reconsider my approach.

I just have to get through this hurricane.

Stress

The new studio has been up and running in Grove City for almost 3 months now. I've had several great rock bands, as well as hip hop artists, and a little bit of R&B come through my door. It's been fun.

But it's also slowing down a bit. So I'm looking into some new opportunities while things are slow, but those are hard to find in Central Ohio. I've decided to shift focus toward business audio for now, while ramping up significantly my marketing efforts by showing more of a presence in the local music scene.

Compounding things is the fact that a well established studio who had been closed for a few years is re-opening in the building literally right behind me. This has me concerned about people's perception of me and my operation, and I'm stressing out over every detail of my products overall quality level. I HAVE to be every bit as good as this guy, who can out-gear me any day of the week. Despite my fervent belief that gear doesn't make records, if you take two engineers who have good ears the client will probably choose the one with the gear.

So I've got to shift my product focus onto me, the engineer, and the value that I alone bring to the table. In order for me to be competitive in this dried up music market (hey, it's not Nashville or LA people), I have to do some PR work and increase the value of working with ME. The recording is the product overall, but what makes people come to me has to be the ME factor.

So I'm trying to improve my product in every way possible. I've been working on a mix that I recorded in the studio back in July as a tester for the new studio. I gave it to this band for free, and am now using the tracks I recorded to pull out all the stops. I've since found weaknesses in my room I've had to adapt to, which I've been able to overcome on a temporary basis. I've also found weaknesses in my workflow that I've been working to overcome thanks to the help of several of my engineer friends around the country.

But all of this has me second guessing the smallest of decisions in my mixes. I feel like I'm hitting a wall psychologically, and will have to climb over that to get back to full confidence.

Couple that with a recent head cold that clogged up my ears, which I'm only today finally recovering from, and you can see why I'm a bit stressed. Each day that goes by that I don't release this spectacular mix to the public, the neighboring studio gets closer to opening. But bouncing mixes off of several engineers while taking ear breaks for head colds takes valuable time. So I'm trying to offset that time by going to shows and networking.

I started going to shows again last weekend. I went to a show hosted by a friend of mine who runs Audiology Sound Studios, a neighboring studio. It was a charity show for his Music Is Life foundation. The line-up of the show consisted of at least one client, Bleeding Ink, as well as a large group of other artists who I was able to network with. Many of these artists I'd never seen live before, and some I'd never even heard of before. It was a great chance to network, but only one won't do it. I need a regular presence in this local scene if people are going to think of me. I need to talk to them about what I do, and I need to act fast. This will probably have to be an every-weekend venture for me. After all, you can't stop hunting, or else you'll starve.

Meanwhile, I'll be setting up a conference call with a business associate in Colorado at Swanpro Studios to go over some ways that I can get into the post audio market. Post audio production is more lucrative with more consistent work, and that is exactly what I need to make my 5 year goal a reality. At this point, I have 4.25 years to go. That's starting to not seem like a long time.

So I've got a long way to go, and a lot of work to do to get there. But now that I'm a family man, and I have two beautiful daughters counting on me, I can't rest on my laurels anymore. I must fight for my career for the sake of my family, and I need to do what it takes to psych myself up and get motivated.

In an odd way, I've turned to survival shows on Netflix as a source of motivation. Seeing people taking every measure necessary JUST to SURVIVE makes me feel blessed to have things as easy as I do, and makes me realize that the only hurdle to what I want in life is myself. It makes me realize that failure isn't so bad, because things could always be a lot worse. Even if I were homeless, it makes me realize that I'd be ok because I could find a way to make it. So that relieves some of my stress, while motivating me to continue forward toward my goals.

But it's not always easy getting over my own self-consciousness to find the motivation on the other side. I'm always worried about disappointing Laura, whom I would give my life for, and feel major guilt that I'm unable to be a better provider at this moment. But seeing her struggle so hard for our family motivates me 10 times more than anything else when I stop and think about it. She's given me everything she can, every part of her. Now it's time for me to take that and use it for the betterment of our whole family.

So to any competition that comes my way, you'd better look out. There's nothing more fearful than a determined underdog.

Frailty

Everything a person has can be forever altered by the actions of another. I've learned that lesson in spades over the last 24 months. It's led me to appreciate what I have, because nothing is finite. Everything is frail. All it takes is a small misstep, and it all can come crumbling away.

I don't want to go through that again. I lost everything I had and everything I was in early 2011. I went rather crazy with it, and treated the woman I now want to make my wife like a disposable piece of trash. I wounded her deeply, and played games with her. I try very hard to make amends, but I do not deserve her. I never will after what I've done to her.

But I am no longer in my dark insanity. I treat her like the beautiful loving woman she is, and I treat her how I truly feel she deserves to be treated. I try to remind her often that I love her more than life itself, and that those days have been behind me for some time. But I was afraid that with the move stirring up ghosts of my own pain from last year, that it might also stir them up in her.

I'm happy to be moving in with her. I want to make her my wife, and I want to be a father to her kids. But I know it's all in her hands. I know I only have what I have today because of her. I'd still be in Marion without her. I wouldn't have a family of my own without her. I wouldn't be able to move to a new studio without her. I wouldn't have a best friend without her. I wouldn't be happy without her. I wouldn't be able to live without her.

But all that I have is in her hands. I need to never forget that fact. I was happy in my previous long term relationship, but she wasn't. I was selfish, and she took it all away. I was selfish and a major dickhead to Laura last year, and will never ever ever deserve to be with her. But she says she wants to marry me, and I'm thrilled by that to no end! Yet, there is this thought in the back of my head that says "you may have her, but you scarred her! You'll never be good enough for her!" And that voice is speaking the truth. I'll never deserve her. I always need to remember that at an moment what I have with her could come crashing down. My life is in her hands.

So while she suffers with the pain and anger of my past mistakes, I'll suffer with the endless regret and anger and pain of my past mistakes. I'll suffer knowing that I made it this way. I'll suffer knowing that I deserve nothing less. But I'll honor her until the day that I die.

Despite everything I've put you through, I'll always love you Laura. I get sick when I think about you hurting, knowing that I caused it. I feel selfish expecting you to love me back. But I need you to know that you mean everything to me.

Everything.

Past

The things I did last year keep coming up to bite me in the ass. I fully deserve it, but still wish it would just bury itself and let me be happy. It would seem that this isn't going to happen anytime soon. I still wouldn't trade what I have for anything in the world, I am however cursed with the knowledge that I've tainted what I have, possibly forever.

Penance is a bitch.

It's like I just want to take the person I was and pistol whip him. I want to take so many things back.

Keeping positive.

I've decided that enough is enough. I know that I'm depressed, even though I've not been officially diagnosed. But I'm aware that I am. What else could explain this year long battle?

So I'm done with it. I've got a lot of things to keep positive about. While I don't think that just trying to keep focused on the positive will make all the difference in the world, it s something I need to remind myself of on a constant basis if I'm gonna get through this. I've actually got a lot going for me, and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I've got a record label, two musical projects, studio clients, school, a new control room at the studio……



I've got a roof over my head, and that doesn't appear to be ready to change anytime soon. I've got time to do my own thing for a while. My bills are paid, my cupboards are full, I have studio work coming in, and I have friends.

Most importantly is the most beautiful and wonderful woman I've ever met. Laura keeps me stable when she's with me, and I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. I'm blessed in that I was able to find love again. I feel like the luckiest man alive when I'm with her.



And I'm also blessed that I had such a long run in my previous relationship. Things may have ended on a sour note, and odds are this won't be the end of my ill feelings toward things, but I did have 12 years during which I was happy and saw many wonderful things. Thank you Sarah for that.

I just need to keep positive as much as I can. Now that I realize it's likely clinical depression that's causing me so much anguish, I need to try to do what I can to work past it. Admitting it is part of that. I don't know what else it will take other than time, but I'm working to get through this. I'm not just doing it for my sake, but I'm doing it for the sake of everyone who knows me. From the readers of this blog to the people I talk about in the blog, all of you are seeing the negative side of this play out like a slow motion car wrek.

So let's just hope I can keep a positive focus and keep my head in the game. It's been hard at times, and has been physically crippling on occasion. But I need to get through this for my own good.

Wish me luck.

Ex-planation.

Ok, for obvious reasons, there were parties who are close to my ex who were offended by my blog last night where I mention that I was harboring some fury at my ex for bringing me back to Ohio. Let's elaborate on that.

If you read the blog, you saw that even I acknowledge that this wasn't entirely rational. I'm trying to live a more rational life, but sometimes a person is going to feel things that aren't rational and I have few outlets to get those things out. It may not be liked that one of the ways I choose is a public forum, but this blog has been a major benefit to my psychological well being. It forces me to be honest with myself, and it forces me to remember that what i say on it I'm held accountable for. Last night was no exception, as my thoughts were offensive to some. Now let's see if I can explain it so that it's understood without hopefully being offensive, because it's not intended to be.

A lot of shitty things have happened to me over the last 18 months since I moved back to Ohio. Shitty jobs, shitty clients, shitty grades, shitty emotional issues that I'm still trying to resolve (which I blame on undiagnosed depression), unemployment, dumpster diving for scrap metal, ect.. When I was with Sarah, these things would've had a lessened impact on me. There would've been stress over the job loss, but the money issues wouldn't have been as severe (hence no dumpster diving). There wouldn't have been a complete change in every single aspect of my entire life as I knew it, therefore no depression to deal with. There would've still been shitty jobs, it's Ohio after all, but having that second income in the house would've made them less stressful. I wouldn't have been forced to work full time just to keep a roof over my head, and working even 10 hours less each week would've given me more time to focus on school. (hence, no shitty grades).

In other words, in one form or another, a lot of the turmoil that I've gone through would've been far lessened if she hadn't have left, hence some resentment toward her is bound to exist.

That said, as I stated before in my previous post, I know it's not entirely rational. I mentioned that I had some good things going for me now, and some of those wouldn't be possible if she were still in the picture. So the rational side of me knows I need to deal with it and make the most of what I do have. But since I do feel that I've been dealing with depression since October 2010, it's not as easy as just ignoring it and working to better myself. It's something that occasionally still crushes my ability to focus on anything else, and I get really moody, pissed off, sad, and indignant to change my situation at any cost.

So I know some close to my ex were offended by the blog where I tout fury toward her for bringing me back to Ohio. But I hope this will clear up why that may exist, and help you understand that I'm aware of it's irrationality and am trying to move past that. I still care about her immensely (though I'm no longer in love with her, but we were also best friends who saw each other every day for nearly 12 years, so how can I not care about her immensely?), but in light of how things went down I have demons to deal with that will take some time. Please don't hold it against me, I'm trying to work through it.

Marion…..

I'm wondering if my life is ever going to go the way I need it too as long as I'm living in Marion.

This town is the poorest city in the state, and I kinda feel cheated into living here and like I was stranded here.

I stay now because my rent is cheap, my space is large, and it gives me a place to set up shop for Skyline Sound Studios. Now that I'm technically unemployed, having a large place to park the studio on the cheap, and also rest my head, is a valuable asset. But here's the problem.

I'm 50 miles north of my target market for the studio, which is the Greater Columbus Metropolitan Area. People in Columbus act like driving from Groveport to Dublin is some monumental trek that you must be insane to wanna make. Needless to say, getting people interested in coming to Marion from Columbus has been a challenge.

I've lucked out on a few occasions. There have been artists willing to make the drive. But on the whole, I hear people ask where I'm located, then act appalled and say they are going to the facility that costs twice as much as I do instead. Do they not realize that the gas money they are spending to get to Marion would be far less than doubling their studio bill?

The obvious answer would be to cater to the Marion area. There are bands here, and a couple of competing studios. But the problem for me is the fact that I was raised in a small town very similar to Marion, and I'm terrified of this town. Let me elaborate.

To say that Marion is economically depressed is an understatement. It was declared last year as the poorest city in the state of Ohio. This causes unemployment to increase, which means that in order for me to cater to the Marion bands, I'm going to have to lower my prices to match this market. That will do nothing to get me out of Marion.

The other issue is the fact that economically depressed areas, such as this, typically have high use of hardcore drugs. In Scioto County, it's hillbilly heroin (a.k.a. Oxycontin). I was raised there, and saw some horrific things. If I lived in Scioto County, I'd put my studio gear in storage 3 counties away and tell no one I was a recording engineer for fear of a home invasion by a crack head looking for things to sell so they could get their fix.

Apparently, Marion's big problem is black tar heroin. So you take an economically depressed area with a well known substance abuse problem, and you have a recipe for a robbery. In fact, my car was broken into last spring, and I lost about $120 that I foolishly left in the car. This was right after Sarah moved out, and rent was very difficult to make that month as a result of the robbery. Now my neighbors bitch that I park on the street instead of in my lengthy dark driveway, but on the street under the street light, my car is in full view of my next door neighbors security camera. My asshole neighbor across the street can go fuck himself with something hard and sandpapery.

So not only was I stranded an hour from my target market, but now that I have a limited income (relying on unemployment), it's hard to justify making trips to Columbus to look for clients. And even if I find them, they may scoff at the idea of driving an hour north to work with me, or I'll hear "my friend has an 8 track. We'll just use that". I'm too scared of being robbed to look for clients in Marion. So the solution is to get the hell out of Marion. This would also increase my day job prospects exponentially.

I was still holding on to hope that I could make my Colorado stress relief vacation this summer happen. It may have to be shelved, and me remain angry, for another year, because I can't continue living up here. I mean, I can, but if my unemployment runs dry and I have no studio business or label income, I doubt I could handle working with those sexist racists on the assembly line at Whirlpool again. My stress level was already to the point of causing me physical ills before I got laid off two weeks ago. With news of Olive's tragic accident, I'm still just as stressed. There's no way I could bring myself to take that road again unless there were no other option……..which is often the case in a town like Marion.

It seems like as long as I live here, it's infinitely more difficult to move foreword.

The shitty thing is that in order to make this move and better my situation, I may have to hold off on some other financial commitments, which makes me hesitate yet again. These would be joint bills to my ex. Part of me wants to scream that she put me through hell, and that despite the fact that I showed her it would be easier to pay off certain bills if she were to stay even 6 more months, she moved anyway and made everything harder for both of us. I offered her a compromise, and she left regardless, which I get on some levels. She had to do what she needed to do to better herself, and in order to do that, she had to tighten the financial strings on both of us. Well, she won't be happy if it comes to that (notice I said "if"), but it may come down to me needing to tighten my financial strings in order to get ahead, and resume payments on those debts when I'm again able. I'm not sure if this will be necessary yet, we'll see. But if it's needed, it's needed. That's not a call to action, just a realistic analysis of what may be needed. We'll see if I can avoid that, because obviously I wanna keep my commitments. But I can't let my commitments drive me into the ground either.

So we'll see. It's clear that I need to get out of this town to better myself and my prospects. A week ago I'd have been heartbroken over losing my Colorado trip, but now after facing Olive's passing, I'm just focused on rebuilding my life as quickly as humanly possible. If I live to see my 5 year goal, barring unforeseen circumstances, the Rockies will still be there.

So now let's figure out how to make it happen.

Money isn't everything?

It's been proven that lack of money is directly tied to high levels of stress. The have-nots have more stress related illness than the have's, and the have-nots typically lack the medical coverage to care for those illnesses. The have's have many more opportunities to take advantage of what life has to offer than the have-nots, who typically spend their lives just trying to stay ahead. It's a vicious cycle.

Some say that Money isn't everything. I'm increasingly convinced, as a have not, that this is bogus, at least in America. In Canada, Great Britain, France, and other countries, the have-nots don't have to worry about their health, where in America, we have to worry about being able to pay for it, and if we can't, we go into unrepayable debt and ruin the rest of our lives. Does this make sense?


Sometimes, the have-nots have to rely on public assistance, which is a soul sucking demon designed to keep the person who needs it on it for the rest of time. For example, if you make $50 lower than the income ceiling for Food Stamps, you'll get food stamps. This could bring in a few hundred dollars worth of food to your household. But if you get a small raise, and earn even a little more than the income ceiling, then your several hundred dollars worth of food assistance could be taken away, and you're in a worse position than you were when you made less. Does this make sense?

If you have a child with special needs, and that child is bringing in state income assistance for you, then you have to report every penny that you earn and are not allowed to save money. If you get money, you have to spend it all within 6 months. The line of thinking is that if you need this assistance, then you'll need it less if you bring in more money, but the facts on the ground are that this makes it very hard to get ahead. This is because if you're relying on these types of assistance to provide for your disabled children, but your income creeps slightly above the requirement level, you'll lose far more than that little bit of income that you brought in, and will be drowning in stress and uncertainty yet again. If I'm a parent of disabled children, and I knew that going to work would lose me the money I get from the state to care for my kids, and I knew that if it were to be worth it my job would have to start me at over $40,000-year, why would I bother looking for work? It's Ohio. How many jobs start you out at over $40,000-year? So unless you can all of a sudden earn a large influx of steady cash, it's not worth getting a job and losing your benefits for your children. Does this make sense?


The fact is simple. When money holds you down from doing what you want, or NEED, to do in life, then money IS everything. But this isn't a rant about income inequality, and this isn't a rant about our broken safety net system. This is a rant about how whenever someone tells you that money isn't everything, it's easy to assume that they've never had to worry about money in the ways that I have.

Money is everything in this society. Right or wrong, it's a fact. Without it, it's hard to get by in any capacity. I've come from a trailer in a small town known for it's teen pregnancy rating, and I've been able to do some great things in life, but they were because I was in a relationship with someone who's family had a bit of money to help us when needed. When that relationship ended, money became an entirely new struggle for me, because even though I wasn't intentionally mooching off of that safety net, it was there. Now it's not, and over the summer I worried about losing the roof over my head. Now, thanks to unemployment and student loans, I'm ok for now, but if I were to get even a part time job, I'd lose half of the time I have available to study, and half of my unemployment benefits, regardless of how small my wages might be at that part time job. I'm now in the system, and although I don't wanna mooch off of it any longer than I have to, I'm better off financially on it unless I can get a job that pays me at least the same $14-hour that I made at my last job. Living in Marion……fat chance. Does that make sense?

So yeah, Money is everything. If you have it, you may still have stresses about Money, but you won't have to worry about dumpster diving for scrap metal to pay the rent. I was there last summer. If you don't have it, your stresses about Money will be at least 20 times more stressful because not securing it could cause you to lose everything VERY quickly.

So don't tell me that Money isn't everything.

More being numb.

I've been a total asshole to people on Facebook all day, and I know that I'm not normally like that. I hope I haven't made any enemies. I've been on the verge of a lot of anger about life in general, but mostly about Olive's passing.

Last night was rough cause I couldn't sleep. Tonight's shaping up the same way, cause it's 3:15am and I'm blogging.

I got some new information about how Olive died though, and although it came at a bad time (while I was pushing a homework deadline, which killed my ability to concentrate on the assignment), it was good to know for my own closure. It helped me understand what happened.

Apparently Sarah moved onto a very busy corner in Clintonville, and doesn't have a fenced in yard. One of her room mates let Olive out unattended, and olive wondered into the road. She was struck in the head, by a blue car according to the blue flecks in her ear, wandered back into the yard, and died.

I'm angry that the son of a bitch that hit her didn't stop to check on her well being. I'm angry that Olive was allowed out of the house unsupervised. I'm angry that my little girl is gone. I realized today that the last time Olive was at my house was in July, and that I only saw her once or twice after that, and that also makes me angry. But I'm at this point more sad than angry. I can only be angry for so long. Olive's gone, it's time to let go.

Now I'm sad, but my day of non-functioning due to immense pain (physical and emotional) is coming to an end. Life has to continue tomorrow. I'll miss her.

I love you Olive.

Robbed

I feel kinda robbed. I know this is no one's fault, but Olive's now gone. I feel robbed because I didn't have her much over the last year, and I kinda feel like I was cheated out of being in her life. I feel robbed because it's kinda symbolic of everything I lost last year still deteriorating. Again, it's no one's fault, and the practical side of me knows and acknowledges this. But I still feel what I feel.

I feel angry at the person who let Olive out of the house without watching her, considering that it's not a fenced in yard at the corner of a VERY busy intersect in Columbus. But it is what it is She's gone.

I need to be careful what I say, because I need it to be clear that I'm not casting blame. But I do still feel robbed, and angry. I couldn't sleep last night till just before dawn, because I couldn't allow myself to not distract myself. If I stopped distracting myself for a few moments, it would creep in. So instead, I played video games, I drank Jack Daniels, and I watched netflix until I knew that sleep would only be a few seconds away. That didn't come till just before dawn.

I stopped by Sarah's house last night and saw Olive. This was the first time I'd been to her new place, and it helped make it real in my mind that she was gone. I've realized I need to do those things when grieving, because when mom died when I was 9, I came home from school and she was just gone. It took me a year to cope with it, because it was as if she just disappeared.

When I saw her last night, I wasn't sad. I didn't cry. I was very matter of fact. But when i left, I had a growing tension in my brain that continued to grow until I was able to get some ibuprofen, and then it retreated slowly. It comes back when I think about the tension.

Sarah keeps apologizing to me. It's not her fault, unless there's something else she's not telling me. Even if that's the case, it is what it is and I need to grieve and move on.

You see, Sarah and I were that sickening couple who didn't have kids, and who treated our animals like our kids. We put every ounce of ourselves into the animals, and loved them like children. It was heartbreaking to see Olive and Pingu (her cat) move out. But now it's even more heartbreaking to see Olive taken by this senseless accident. I feel cheated out of Olive's life, and I feel a lot of anger toward the person who hit her with their car.

And about that, if I ever find you, I'm going to cut you. I don't give a fuck what kind of busy street it is, if you hit an animal and don't stop to see if it's ok, you're evil.

I've been quick to fly off the handle today at people for their nonsensical beliefs that they post on Facebook without putting any real thought or logic into what they are writing. I've been quick to get pissed off at people, and just in general feel really really shitty.

All I wanna do is drink, but I'm afraid to do that because i know it's a coping mechanism that could easily lead to alcoholism.

And then there's the underlying anger that was already there about life in general that this situation is compounded by. I can't seem to get my shit together, and I can't seem to get myself out of this. Everything I knew over the last decade of my life is gone, or marred, and I can never get it back the way it was.

I'm just sitting here idly while I feel all this anger just boiling up inside of me, and It has no outlet save for this blog.

When I drove home last night, I remember feeling that sense of isolation again, that I was pulling into a prison where I could reach no one, and where I was too far away for anyone but Laura to want to bother to come see me. It's not a good feeling to know you've got so much on your mind to work through and know you have no one to help you through it.

I try to think to myself that I need to focus on my goals, and work. But I know that today is likely a throw away. I didn't get up till noon, and I've done nothing all day. My back hurts, my head hurts, and all I wanna do is drink and not think about life.

Maybe I'll give in to that today, but then after today I need to put the bottle down. It's not going to do me any favors. But maybe for now, it's better to just be numb. I know, that's the last sensible words an alcoholic says before diving into his demons for the first time, but I've got a third of a bottle of Jack downstairs and its calling me.

So I'm gonna just call today a write off. I'm gonna do my homework, then waste it away. I'll be back from this, I just need today.

Peace of mind…….sort of.

I got my tax return this morning, which means that while I wait for unemployment to kick in I can pay my bills. This gives me peace of mind, as while I was waiting for the IRS to process it (The IRS delayed refunds for those who filed early. I filed before January 26th, and Laura filed after Jan. 26th. Laura got hers several days before I got mine. That's what I get for filing early?), I was getting nervous watching my available cash deplete slowly.

But then again, it also makes me somewhat upset. This money was supposed to be used to expand my studio and pay for a vacation. I planned to buy new acoustic treatment, possibly a new audio interface, and then I planned to go to Colorado with Laura in June. Now after losing my job, that money is needed to live on, and while I'm glad I have it, I'm also pissed off somewhat that life threw this curveball at me.

It's not all bad. My stress level is way down from it's previous point a week ago. It seems like a month ago since I last worked, but it was only a week. I've had time to relax, take things slow, and sit on this money while searching for an ideal employment situation. I've had a few leads, as discussed, so fingers crossed.

But I still get upset thinking about it somewhat. I'm 31, vowing that I won't be broke when I'm 35, and I've been cut down from making $29,000.00-year to making $0. How the hell am I supposed to make this work?

It'll take some careful planning, but I do plan to make it work. I'll find another job before the money runs dry, use Ohio's safety nets if I have too, re-focus on my education goals, and dig out of this mess. Meanwhile, the wishful thinker in me wonders if I can bring in enough studio business to sustain myself now that I have some downtime to market it. That would be nice, but I'm not hedging my bets.

So yeah, I'm angry, but I'm thankful. The job loss is a double edged sword, both a curse and a blessing. I'll be ok with some really careful planning, and I will not re-adjust my goals for anyone or anything. I still have 2017 in my sights, and I'm still going to fight to achieve my 5 year goal.

Easy Discouragement.

It can be hard to stay optimistic in the face of a job loss, and I've been struggling with that since it happened. But quite frankly, I need to get over myself. I'm human, so I'm allowed to feel self doubt. But the true test is in how well I implement my own life philosophy.

"Shit happens. There's no reason. But the true test of self is in how you handle it."

Some say that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe that, but I don't argue about it with those who do. I just believe that life is random, and that there's no reason behind things that happen. Some look back at things that have happened, and see a good thing that comes as a result of those things happening, but I see them as separate where some see them as the reason those things happened to begin with. Not me. It's random, shit will always happen, and the true test of self is how you handle it.

So now I'm being tested. As a human it's ok to feel some self doubt right now. In fact, I'd worry if I didn't. I'm a human, and I have a ton of insecurities and a ton of self doubt that I deal with.

Last night, dispute telling myself that I was going to be ok, I couldn't escape the feeling that I'd failed. I even had Laura re-affirm what I'd said, which is that in just a few short months I was able to prepare myself financially for a job loss, and now that it's happened, I'm ok for a bit thanks to steps I've taken. I still felt like my goals were out of reach though, but as a human, I'm going to have those moments. That's ok. The future is uncertain right now, but then again, isn't it always? Now it's time for me to knuckle down and really focus on getting my life on the path I want it to be on. Now is not a time to fuck around. But allowing myself the chance to feel what I'm naturally going to feel is also essential, as I don't wanna be the guy who bottles anything up anymore.

I bottled up mom's passing for a decade. It tore me up. I bottled up a lot of things through the years, and they always tore me up. I'm 31, and trying to reprogram my brain to stop doing that. So it's ok to feel self doubt, and it's ok to feel the fear of uncertainty. But they can't rule me.

So to put a positive spin on it all, I was able to make things easier this time around thanks to the steps I put into place. That's a lesson that I need to learn, which states that what I'm doing is working. This means that I was on the right path to financial security, and when my income stabilizes again I need to keep those things in place. Ultimately, this means that I can reach my 5 year goal, and that I shouldn't get disheartened and give up.

So on I fight.

De-stressing.

Now that I've lost my job, it's a stressful time, but it's a different kind of stress than the stress I was fighting when I had the job. I feel largely relieved, if that makes any sense, because that job did cause me some serious stress (compounded by everything else I was undertaking, so it wasn't the job alone). Now, that falls to the wayside, and the stress of uncertainty is predominant, but it's somehow a little easier to take. It feels like a fresh beginning, a new chance to start over.

So now that I've been given the chance to start over, I'm dedicated to de-stressing myself. Stress has been proven to build up plaque in arteries, which increases the risk of heart attacks. I'm 31, and feeling a lot of stress, so if I want to be healthy long term, I need to stop the cycle.

I've been listening to relaxing piano music, taking me-time breaks, meditating, and am considering taking up yoga. Laura brought some dumbbells, a kettle bell, and a jumprope over, and we've been doing exercises (she's kicking my fat ass, cause she works out regularly….I mean LOOK at this….)




(….then look at this, where my stomach is the size of the Great Smokies….)



(……so yeah…..lol). But one thing is certain, whatever I do to reduce my stress, it has to be done.

So I'm trying not to let the uncertainty get to me too much. It is what it is, and I've navigated these waters before, but it's never fun. Now that it's happened, it's time to focus on bettering myself, my situation, and my health. Stress relief has to be a major part of that.

Back to the drawing board.

I got laid off again. Damned temp jobs. I'm pretty stressed about it actually. It would seem that my stress levels that were accumulating (as mentioned in a blog post a few days ago) have turned so bad that I've been fighting stomach cramps with this news.

But it's not all bad news. I was starting to obviously wear thin with that job due to it's repetitiveness, compounded with the other stresses in my life, so part of me is relieved to never have to go back there. The last few days I went, I dreaded walking in the building. That's a sign that it should end, and it has now, but not by my choice.

On the upside, I've got time to focus on school and my other projects, and I can now look for a new job that won't (hopefully) be as stressful. I'm ok financially at this moment, so I'm trying to not worry about where my next meal is coming from until it gets to that point. I've already filed for unemployment, so hopefully that will kick in very soon.

I'm ok, and believe it or not the fact that I'm admitting the job loss to the blog is actually helping me feel better about it at this moment as far as my stress level is concerned. Thankfully, I implemented Phase 1 a while back, and now know how far I can stretch my current assets. Also, thankfully I've begun alternative income streams that, even though they haven't paid off yet (still working on sweat equity in those areas), will help reduce the impacts of this on me financially when they do pay off.

What breaks my heart is that my Colorado trip may not be able to happen in June, and that my move from Marion may not be able to happen by September now. So Phase 3 is on hold while I focus attention on patching up phase 1 and 2.




I won't let this deter me though. Believe it or not, I've been unable to function in the aftermath of getting the news, but now as I write this blog I'm touching on the undying confidence that I've got beneath the surface. I won't give up, I just have an obstacle to overcome. It's still very early in the scheme of things regarding my 5 year plan, and these things are going to happen to someone in the duration of a 5 year journey to self enrichment (spiritually and monetarily). I'm not going to give in, and I'm not adjusting my ultimate goal. I will have to adjust my vacation and moving from Marion goals, but that's a short term adjustment til I overcome this speed bump.

The thing I'm grateful for is that I've paid down two of my 3 credit cards. I now need any cash coming in to live on, so I can't snowball the last one yet (Fuck you NTB!), but that will come in time. Right now, I'm focusing on school, job hunting, and my various projects.

So wish me luck. Let's just hope the unemployment checks kick in soon, and let's just hope that this is one of those "blessing in disguise" deals.