Robbed

I feel kinda robbed. I know this is no one's fault, but Olive's now gone. I feel robbed because I didn't have her much over the last year, and I kinda feel like I was cheated out of being in her life. I feel robbed because it's kinda symbolic of everything I lost last year still deteriorating. Again, it's no one's fault, and the practical side of me knows and acknowledges this. But I still feel what I feel.

I feel angry at the person who let Olive out of the house without watching her, considering that it's not a fenced in yard at the corner of a VERY busy intersect in Columbus. But it is what it is She's gone.

I need to be careful what I say, because I need it to be clear that I'm not casting blame. But I do still feel robbed, and angry. I couldn't sleep last night till just before dawn, because I couldn't allow myself to not distract myself. If I stopped distracting myself for a few moments, it would creep in. So instead, I played video games, I drank Jack Daniels, and I watched netflix until I knew that sleep would only be a few seconds away. That didn't come till just before dawn.

I stopped by Sarah's house last night and saw Olive. This was the first time I'd been to her new place, and it helped make it real in my mind that she was gone. I've realized I need to do those things when grieving, because when mom died when I was 9, I came home from school and she was just gone. It took me a year to cope with it, because it was as if she just disappeared.

When I saw her last night, I wasn't sad. I didn't cry. I was very matter of fact. But when i left, I had a growing tension in my brain that continued to grow until I was able to get some ibuprofen, and then it retreated slowly. It comes back when I think about the tension.

Sarah keeps apologizing to me. It's not her fault, unless there's something else she's not telling me. Even if that's the case, it is what it is and I need to grieve and move on.

You see, Sarah and I were that sickening couple who didn't have kids, and who treated our animals like our kids. We put every ounce of ourselves into the animals, and loved them like children. It was heartbreaking to see Olive and Pingu (her cat) move out. But now it's even more heartbreaking to see Olive taken by this senseless accident. I feel cheated out of Olive's life, and I feel a lot of anger toward the person who hit her with their car.

And about that, if I ever find you, I'm going to cut you. I don't give a fuck what kind of busy street it is, if you hit an animal and don't stop to see if it's ok, you're evil.

I've been quick to fly off the handle today at people for their nonsensical beliefs that they post on Facebook without putting any real thought or logic into what they are writing. I've been quick to get pissed off at people, and just in general feel really really shitty.

All I wanna do is drink, but I'm afraid to do that because i know it's a coping mechanism that could easily lead to alcoholism.

And then there's the underlying anger that was already there about life in general that this situation is compounded by. I can't seem to get my shit together, and I can't seem to get myself out of this. Everything I knew over the last decade of my life is gone, or marred, and I can never get it back the way it was.

I'm just sitting here idly while I feel all this anger just boiling up inside of me, and It has no outlet save for this blog.

When I drove home last night, I remember feeling that sense of isolation again, that I was pulling into a prison where I could reach no one, and where I was too far away for anyone but Laura to want to bother to come see me. It's not a good feeling to know you've got so much on your mind to work through and know you have no one to help you through it.

I try to think to myself that I need to focus on my goals, and work. But I know that today is likely a throw away. I didn't get up till noon, and I've done nothing all day. My back hurts, my head hurts, and all I wanna do is drink and not think about life.

Maybe I'll give in to that today, but then after today I need to put the bottle down. It's not going to do me any favors. But maybe for now, it's better to just be numb. I know, that's the last sensible words an alcoholic says before diving into his demons for the first time, but I've got a third of a bottle of Jack downstairs and its calling me.

So I'm gonna just call today a write off. I'm gonna do my homework, then waste it away. I'll be back from this, I just need today.