Easy Discouragement.

It can be hard to stay optimistic in the face of a job loss, and I've been struggling with that since it happened. But quite frankly, I need to get over myself. I'm human, so I'm allowed to feel self doubt. But the true test is in how well I implement my own life philosophy.

"Shit happens. There's no reason. But the true test of self is in how you handle it."

Some say that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe that, but I don't argue about it with those who do. I just believe that life is random, and that there's no reason behind things that happen. Some look back at things that have happened, and see a good thing that comes as a result of those things happening, but I see them as separate where some see them as the reason those things happened to begin with. Not me. It's random, shit will always happen, and the true test of self is how you handle it.

So now I'm being tested. As a human it's ok to feel some self doubt right now. In fact, I'd worry if I didn't. I'm a human, and I have a ton of insecurities and a ton of self doubt that I deal with.

Last night, dispute telling myself that I was going to be ok, I couldn't escape the feeling that I'd failed. I even had Laura re-affirm what I'd said, which is that in just a few short months I was able to prepare myself financially for a job loss, and now that it's happened, I'm ok for a bit thanks to steps I've taken. I still felt like my goals were out of reach though, but as a human, I'm going to have those moments. That's ok. The future is uncertain right now, but then again, isn't it always? Now it's time for me to knuckle down and really focus on getting my life on the path I want it to be on. Now is not a time to fuck around. But allowing myself the chance to feel what I'm naturally going to feel is also essential, as I don't wanna be the guy who bottles anything up anymore.

I bottled up mom's passing for a decade. It tore me up. I bottled up a lot of things through the years, and they always tore me up. I'm 31, and trying to reprogram my brain to stop doing that. So it's ok to feel self doubt, and it's ok to feel the fear of uncertainty. But they can't rule me.

So to put a positive spin on it all, I was able to make things easier this time around thanks to the steps I put into place. That's a lesson that I need to learn, which states that what I'm doing is working. This means that I was on the right path to financial security, and when my income stabilizes again I need to keep those things in place. Ultimately, this means that I can reach my 5 year goal, and that I shouldn't get disheartened and give up.

So on I fight.