I'm Numb.,

I'm numb. I've lost a lot that I used to have, and value, and some of it will never come back. Some of it I've got to fight to get back. Some of it is just gone forever now……and that includes Olive.

So much has been taken from me over the last year that I'm at a breaking point. Every time I take a few steps forward, I get knocked off my feet and forced to start over.

With news of the death of my beloved dog, I'm numb. I cried, got angry, hit things, and started trying to play the blame game. According to the Kübler-Ross model, all of that was the usual order of events when something happens.

First comes Denial. I didn't wanna believe it.

Second came Anger. I came to this one really quick, and tried to blame. This was needless, and senseless, but considering the circumstances it was a step I had to go through. I fought to keep a level head, but I was really angry.

Third comes Bargaining, which I could skip, because there was no use at that point.

Depression was the 4th phase, and I hit that hard. I cried, and cried, and went back to anger, then cried again.

Stage 5 is acceptance. It still doesn't seem real in some ways, but I'm now somewhere between phases 4 and 5, meaning that I'm still really sad, but I'm trying to get to the point of knowing that there's nothing that can be done and trying to move on with my life.

It still doesn't seem real though. I can't imagine it being true.

It makes me angry about everything that's been taken from me over the last 12 months. It makes me wanna say Fuck this life, and make me wanna be as productive as I can be to better my situation. It makes me wanna leave all this bullshit and baggage as far behind me as I possibly can. Too many things have gone wrong in too short a time period for me to wanna live like this anymore.

I know that now and then I say "It's time for me to start kicking ass and changing things", and well, tonight is no different. I'm going to ignore this for now, and go do something useful. I had two sessions at the studio that couldn't happen, so I'm gonna go out and try to drum up some new business. Fuck sitting stagnant on my hands waiting for people to see my Craigslist ads. Fuck waiting for the artists I've worked with till now to bring some attention to me as a producer. Fuck waiting and doing nothing, It's time I got off my ass and changed my life.

It ends now.