Ex-planation.

Ok, for obvious reasons, there were parties who are close to my ex who were offended by my blog last night where I mention that I was harboring some fury at my ex for bringing me back to Ohio. Let's elaborate on that.

If you read the blog, you saw that even I acknowledge that this wasn't entirely rational. I'm trying to live a more rational life, but sometimes a person is going to feel things that aren't rational and I have few outlets to get those things out. It may not be liked that one of the ways I choose is a public forum, but this blog has been a major benefit to my psychological well being. It forces me to be honest with myself, and it forces me to remember that what i say on it I'm held accountable for. Last night was no exception, as my thoughts were offensive to some. Now let's see if I can explain it so that it's understood without hopefully being offensive, because it's not intended to be.

A lot of shitty things have happened to me over the last 18 months since I moved back to Ohio. Shitty jobs, shitty clients, shitty grades, shitty emotional issues that I'm still trying to resolve (which I blame on undiagnosed depression), unemployment, dumpster diving for scrap metal, ect.. When I was with Sarah, these things would've had a lessened impact on me. There would've been stress over the job loss, but the money issues wouldn't have been as severe (hence no dumpster diving). There wouldn't have been a complete change in every single aspect of my entire life as I knew it, therefore no depression to deal with. There would've still been shitty jobs, it's Ohio after all, but having that second income in the house would've made them less stressful. I wouldn't have been forced to work full time just to keep a roof over my head, and working even 10 hours less each week would've given me more time to focus on school. (hence, no shitty grades).

In other words, in one form or another, a lot of the turmoil that I've gone through would've been far lessened if she hadn't have left, hence some resentment toward her is bound to exist.

That said, as I stated before in my previous post, I know it's not entirely rational. I mentioned that I had some good things going for me now, and some of those wouldn't be possible if she were still in the picture. So the rational side of me knows I need to deal with it and make the most of what I do have. But since I do feel that I've been dealing with depression since October 2010, it's not as easy as just ignoring it and working to better myself. It's something that occasionally still crushes my ability to focus on anything else, and I get really moody, pissed off, sad, and indignant to change my situation at any cost.

So I know some close to my ex were offended by the blog where I tout fury toward her for bringing me back to Ohio. But I hope this will clear up why that may exist, and help you understand that I'm aware of it's irrationality and am trying to move past that. I still care about her immensely (though I'm no longer in love with her, but we were also best friends who saw each other every day for nearly 12 years, so how can I not care about her immensely?), but in light of how things went down I have demons to deal with that will take some time. Please don't hold it against me, I'm trying to work through it.