Phase 3 revisited - Getting the HELL out of Marion!

I wrote about Phase 3 of my life's reconstruction on February 1st. Later that day, I got laid off, and Phase 3 was put on hold. But now, thanks to a loving fiance and ambitions of building a better life for both of us, Phase 3 is back in action!


Phase 3 - Get the HELL out of Marion!


I've grown increasingly frustrated at how much being left in this town has held me back. I didn't' wanna move here, but was told that we should because someone else thought it would be easier on them. That person left me here to make things easier on them, and didn't give me any reasonable options for getting out of here. I've struggled with being stuck here since then, and grew kinda desperate at times. But now it seems that I have been given an olive branch.

Laura's mission is to get me out of Marion by August. That may come sooner than that, in all likelihood, as my unemployment ends in less than 2 weeks and I'll not be able to pay rent once the money I have saved is exhausted. It's hard enough getting clients to drive to Marion from Columbus, and Marion just doesn't have a music scene that's able to sustain my business. So with little business coming to Marion, and money reserves drying up, it's time to make some serious changes.

It's go time.

So here's the plan. Laura and I have decided to move in together. The studio would be minimized to a mobile operation while I'm getting set up in a new location, but the goal is to rent a location and set up shop there. This would ideally be a warehouse, but it could also be a home in the Columbus area. I've found some warehouses on the east side of Columbus for roughly the same money I'm paying to rent my current space in Marion. Regardless of it's new setting, it wouldn't be ideal to set up in the home Laura and I will soon share. But the good thing is that having my own dedicated space means that the studio would be a more professional environment. It would be it's own space, and it would make it easier to keep my home life and my work life separate

The living situation would work well too. I could work part time to fund the new studio's location, while being left with enough to pay the shared bills. The bills would be a lot cheaper combined than they are solo, and it just makes sense. I've already proposed, she said yes. There's no reason not to move in with her.

I feel rather humbled knowing that my fiance is in this to help me succeed. It's an amazing feeling knowing that someone is looking out for me, and I hope I can return the favor one day. So things are looking up, and there's some positive changes coming to my life over the summer of 2012. This will be my year, and I'm excited.

Sleep!

I'm on day 4 of a melatonin regiment. I've been able to get some sleep for the last 4 nights, which is a really nice feeling. It's far better than feeling like a pseudo zombie. I just took my nightly dose a few minutes ago, and I'm waiting for it to kick in. Shouldn't be long.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna finish a blog I started earlier today.

Sleep

For over a week now, I've not been sleeping very well.

There could be a few causes for this. One could be inherent worries about money. But overall, the bottom line is that I'm getting on average about 4 hours each night.

I'm feeling kind of like a zombie. I'm getting road rage at the drop of a hat. I'm feeling extremely stressed. I've got to reign this in.

I'm going to start taking Melatonin at a regular time, and forcing myself to go to bed.

Let's hope this turns it around.

De-stressing.

Now that I've lost my job, it's a stressful time, but it's a different kind of stress than the stress I was fighting when I had the job. I feel largely relieved, if that makes any sense, because that job did cause me some serious stress (compounded by everything else I was undertaking, so it wasn't the job alone). Now, that falls to the wayside, and the stress of uncertainty is predominant, but it's somehow a little easier to take. It feels like a fresh beginning, a new chance to start over.

So now that I've been given the chance to start over, I'm dedicated to de-stressing myself. Stress has been proven to build up plaque in arteries, which increases the risk of heart attacks. I'm 31, and feeling a lot of stress, so if I want to be healthy long term, I need to stop the cycle.

I've been listening to relaxing piano music, taking me-time breaks, meditating, and am considering taking up yoga. Laura brought some dumbbells, a kettle bell, and a jumprope over, and we've been doing exercises (she's kicking my fat ass, cause she works out regularly….I mean LOOK at this….)




(….then look at this, where my stomach is the size of the Great Smokies….)



(……so yeah…..lol). But one thing is certain, whatever I do to reduce my stress, it has to be done.

So I'm trying not to let the uncertainty get to me too much. It is what it is, and I've navigated these waters before, but it's never fun. Now that it's happened, it's time to focus on bettering myself, my situation, and my health. Stress relief has to be a major part of that.

Could I need glasses?

I stare at a computer screen 40 hours each week.

I stare at my iPhone when I can.

I stare at my big 27" studio computer for client projects.

I stare at the same computer for doing homework, casually browsing Facebook, and just screwing around online.

I'm hard pressed to find a time in my day that I'm not staring at a screen.

Lately, my day job has been stressing me out more. My eyes are getting strained and it's causing me headaches, which make my job more annoying and makes me very irritable.

At first I thought the headaches were just stress. But now I'm getting tired eyes when I'm away from my day job. My other tasks aren't nearly as stressful as the day job, so it can't be that I'm stressed in my other tasks too.

So now I find myself trying to mix a project for a client, and having to take breaks because of headaches and a feeling of fatigue. This isn't good.

So I need to make it to an eye doctor. I have no insurance, so this is gonna feel awesome on my bank account. But in an age of computerized this and online that, I have no choice but to look at a screen all the time.

So it looks like I'll be scheduling an eye doctor appointment in the near future. Looks like this fat bald nerdy bearded homeless looking guy is about to look dorkier.

A.D.H.D.

As a teen, I was diagnosed with A.D.H.D. I took Ritalin in High School. I stopped taking it near the end of High School, and went through my senior year clean as a whistle.

Then I started college. This wasn't the time I dropped out of college right after graduating High School, but rather the time I went back two years later. I started, but noticed I was having trouble focusing. So I sought medical advice, and they confirmed that my A.D.H.D. had carried over into adulthood. I have adult A.D.D. Drop the H off, cause I don't get hyper.

I took medication for a year while attending Ohio University's Southern Campus in Ironton Ohio, and living in Sciotoville, Ohio. But then I moved to Reynoldsburg Ohio and began attending Ohio University Zanesville. I sought medication in Columbus, and came across a dead end.

You see, in Portsmouth, my doctor visit was free due to income. I had to pay for the meds, but the doctor visit was not a concern. In Columbus, I tried the same approach, but due to my family status and income status, I didn't qualify. I couldn't justify the cost of a doctor bill just to get the Ritalin, so I stopped taking it and struggled through my last two years of college.

That was 2002. I've been off of Ritalin for a decade. I drink lots of caffeine, which wakes my body up, but mentally it levels me out. The caffeine stimulates the part of my brain that makes me focus. So in essence, I self medicate by drinking boat loads of caffeine.

But now I'm in school again, and the caffeine doesn't have predictable results. It's caffeine, not A.D.D. medication. But that's not all. I'm a multi-entrepreneur with so much on his plate that a lack of focus can really cause problems.

So here I sit thinking that perhaps I need to bite the bullet and see what medication options may be available for my A.D.D. I don't wanna cop out to my A.D.D., but quite frankly it is a mental condition that limits my capacity to focus, and if I'm gonna reach my 5 year goal, I need to focus.

Misteps.

Well, the train has been derailed again.

I fudged a calculation on my budget spreadsheet, and now I find that I've not only overdrawn my bank account and will be incurring an unfair NSF fee of $46, but may not be able to pay off the credit card this week as I originally planned. It's embarrassing, but here we are. I'm trying to find ways to bring in more cash flow to the house, but I'm also limited by work hours for the holidays......

.......yeah, it's January 10th, and I'm limited by work hours for the holidays. At my Monday-Friday 9-5 day job I've had December 26th off, January 2nd off, and will have January 16th off. This means that for 3 out of 4 weeks, I'm getting 30-32 hours each week instead of 40. This is a big deal for an hourly employee, and I'm kind of pissed that we would have so many holidays off in a row. It makes this whole thing even tougher to manage. I'd have been able to avoid the NSF I now have if I had worked a full 40 hour week over the last two weeks (......or if I had been more scrutinous of my spreadsheet calculations), but I'm starting to get to a point where I can't afford the income of this job if they don't start working me a 40 hour week. At this rate, I won't have regular 40 hour pay checks again until mid February.

The Enemy By Mourning record is finished, and now I can book other clients to bring in more cash flow to the studio, but I don't have any concrete bookings. I'm recording Jovy on Saturday, but that's for my label, so there's no cash coming in from that session. I'm possibly working with an artist on Sunday, but they haven't responded to my work agreement, and until that has been responded to it's not a solid booking. So that's not a guarantee. And now that I'm off of my day job Monday Jan. 16th, I'm trying to get studio bookings that day at a discounted rate. So far, no bites.

Obviously the only income I can project on my budget spreadsheet is the income from my day job, since studio bookings are virtually non-existant at this time and overage checks and tax returns are not a constant. The only way that I can see right now to keep the bills paid that I need to pay and keep myself from being in perpetual NSF with the bank is to not pay off the credit cards this weekend, which makes me feel like a huge failure and a dissapointment to the family members who gave me money to pay on them last fall (quick recap....I paid one off, and then needed brakes, so it was maxed out again after 3 days. The other, I needed the cash for other bills. I pledged to pay them off in January with money I was recieving, but here we are........).

I have a balance from a good faith client that needs to be collected. I've unsuccessfully tried to collect this on a few occasions, but the client has always paid toward his bill so I can't collect this aggressively. Better to have the client happy and paying in increments than to collect aggressively and cut off the revenue stream. In other words, on a business sense, it's in my best interest to not piss off this client and keep the revenue stream open.

Other than that, it's been tough. I fight, I budget, I cut out the fast food, I don't spend frivelously, but each month it's within single digits of not making it. It's cutting it too close. I've taken up ramen noodles again as a cheap source of food, though not on the same level I was eating them at after Sarah moved out. Now with winter gas bills at play in a large energy sucking house (I really need to move, but that takes MONEY!), I'm just thankful that we've had a reasonably warm winter in Ohio so far, although my gas bill is still tough to pay.

I've resigned myself to bundling up like crazy, and when I cook using the oven, I leave the oven open when I'm done to allow the heat to fill the house. Why waste the heat? I have a dishwasher that hooks up to my kitchen sink, and instead of using the hot water tap I use cold. The dishwasher has a heating element inside of it, so why should I pay to heat the water twice? I use an electric blanket at night, allowing me to turn the house thermostat down to the mid 60's, which in this house is more like the mid 50's. I budget, I scrimp, I try to save......

I think the thing that really pisses me off here is that money has been so tight, I can't get more coming in, and the amount that is coming in has been decreasing due to holiday time off. If i could just get more coming in, I'd be ok. I was ok in October before I got depressed after my cancer scare and let my spending habits get out of control again. I know I can do it. But the problem is that I've been paying for Octobers irresponsibility since then, and there's no end in sight. The thing that really pisses me off about that is that I didn't do anything really drastic then! I didn't track my spending, but I didn't go out and spend a lot of money either. But I was spending more on junk food and fast food (comfort items since I was stressed), and had time off of work that I simply could not afford. Then there's the medical bills (don't get me started.....). I drained my savings to keep my rent paid, and now I have almost nothing saved and can't get back on top. I plan, but there's always something that derails that plan. I do not want to live a life of perpetual poverty, so something drastic has to change.......NOW.

I realize though that I'm stressed, and that I shouldn't allow that to prevail. I just need to keep it all in perspective. I'm infinitely better off than I was over the summer, when I was unemployed and borrowing money to keep a roof over my head. But I'm on the rim of the fabled canyon, and could go over at any time. I have so far to go to get to my 5 year goal, and when things like this happen in the beginning it makes it seem like I'll never get there. I just need to try to remember that the things I'm putting in place now will make it easier to achieve that goal in the future. The baby steps that form the foundation show the least visible results, but are vital in building the house.

.....still, I may be digging the pit for the basement, but I wish I could be painting the shutters by now.

Changing Habits

In an effort to save money, after being brought back to my day job in August and starting on a new financial plan, I started keeping track of how much I was spending on fast food. This amount never really went down much, but I was keeping track of it. This included things like Red Bull and McDonalds. I was always able to find some justification for continued consumption of this crap.

Then in October I had my cancer scare. I kinda fell off the bandwagon in terms of worrying about my spending, cause I was too worried about my health to really give a shit about keeping track of every penny I was spending. I drained my meager savings to pay my rent after missing work for the medical tests, and I found myself taking time off of work when possible to work on other projects going on in my life, which didn't help when you factor in that I was spending money without regard again.

When work announced that we'd have Thanksgiving day AND Black Friday off this year, I knew I was going to be in a tight spot again. Only the sad thing is that it was completely avoidable this time. If I had just kept on it, I wouldn't be in this boat yet again. But here I am.

So after getting my short Thanksgiving Week paycheck this past Friday, I revised my budget. Eek. Something has to change…..so I decided to hit my spending habits in the teeth with the same veracity I had when I first started on this budget plan back in August.

One of the things I did was commit to not eating out anymore. Although I'll admit that since Friday's paycheck, I had to eat at a drive through because I was kept away from home longer than expected after work……and then I bought some junk food and a red bull to keep myself moving on a mixing project last night……but then I entered those costs into my budget and I'm not spending another un-needed dime.

But I'm doing one thing differently. I decided that I can't just eat beans and rice and ramen noodles and be happy. If I keep eating that crap, I'm gonna be tempted to eat out because I want more variety. So I decided to introduce more variety in my diet again when it comes to my home cooking. After all, I loved cooking when I was cooking for two…..why can't I love cooking for one? Why shouldn't I put the same amount of pride into feeding myself that I put into feeding someone else?

Before, my lunch consisted of Beans and Rice with hot sauce and a coke zero. Now, I've made a garden salad with Italian dressing the main dish, and there is a smaller amount of Beans and Rice to give energy and cap off the meal. Often there will be a pickle too. This is quick and easy to make for my work day lunches, and I don't get sick of what I'm eating.

I've also been making this Szechuan Pierogie Beef Stir Fry with White Rice for dinner, that is pretty awesome. And the cool thing about that is that I make a big enough portion that it'll feed me for 3 days worth of dinner. I bought some new food storage containers, and just put what I'm not eating for dinner in the fridge. when it's time to eat the next night, it's quick and easy to re-heat on the stove (Sarah took the Microwave, never got a new one).

That's not the only thing I'm making in large quantities. I made a huge batch of french toast for me and Laura this weekend, and I put what we didn't eat (which was about 2/3 of the batch) in the freezer. This morning, for breakfast with my coffee, I popped two of those pieces in the toaster.

I found myself making peanut butter cookies earlier today, so that I have a quick "handy food" snack in the house. I even made a kick ass quarter pounder for dinner with a side salad.

Speaking of the salads that I take to lunch, one of the reasons I bought new food storage containers was so that I'd have something to put those salads in. But the cool thing is that I make several in advance and store them in the fridge, then my lunch packing for the day is very "grab-and-go". Get it out of the fridge, put it in the lunch box, and walk out the door. Convenient and easy.

I've been locked in my control room today working on a mixing project. There were a few times when I just wanted to go out and get a can of Red Bull. But instead, I broke out the coffee grinder and the french press. Worked like a charm, obviously, but I didn't feel bad for spending money that I shouldn't be spending.

The point of all of this is simple. I feel good. I don't just feel good about not spending money needlessly, but I feel good in general. My diet has been satisfying my palette, and I feel really good physically. I don't feel all sluggish and slow like I've been drinking a vat of fat, and my stomach has been more regular. And the cool part is that I've saved some money in the process while eating a much more varied diet!

I'm back on track with my budget. I don't plan to go astray again. It's gonna be a tight month, but what else is new? But despite all the stress that I may feel about money, at least I'm not gonna kick myself for spending it at the drive through anymore.

I am the 99%

I was born in poverty. My mother had a terminal illness diagnosed around my birth, and was unable to work to provide for my sisters and I. My grandparents had to support all of us on their retirement income, and when mom died, my grandparents continued to raise us on their meager income.

When evidence of a heart attack that forced my grandfather into retirement 20 years earlier could not be found, his benefits were taken away and he had to deliver newspapers to keep food on the table for his wife and grandchildren. He was in his 80's.

I've never had money, but I've been working like crazy to make ends meet. I attained a degree in 2004, and got a job that summer, but left it for personal reasons to move to a different state. Then the economy collapsed, and I was never able to find work in that field. I gave up, went back to school to study business, and am now an entreprenuer determined to claw my way out of the trenches.

But I'm also a full time student (working on degree #2) with a full time job. Most entrepreneurs don't earn a dime for the first two years, so I can't rely on my business to pay the bills yet. Unable to afford to just go to school, and unable to make ends meet yet with my business ventures, I have to pull full time hours to keep the lights on. That job is a temp job, which is all I've been able to find over the last 18 months.

That job had a massive layoff over the summer, and I was let go. At 30 years old with no savings, I found myself on unemployment and dumpster diving for scrap metal to make ends meet. My temp job asked me to come back at the end of the summer, and I accepted, but the downtime put a major dent in my ability to save for the future.

Determined to make a serious change, I shifted my focus and started saving. In just a few months, I had $600 in the bank. But then medical issues, and a lack of health insurance, derailed the savings I had built up and caused me to miss work.....which put me further in the hole. Now I'm back to square one.

Life should not be a constant struggle to keep your bills paid. Health issues should not derail the finances of you or your family, as they have done so often in my life.

I am overworked
I am overstressed
I am going deeper into debt to change my life on the gamble that it'll pay off.
I'm underpaid and struggling.

I am the 99%.

IT'S NOT CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. This week has put me through the ringer……

....in other words…… IT SUCKED!

But the good news is that I'm back to worrying about lesser things, and I feel that I can get a new perspective on my priorities.

More on that later though. I plan on doing a blog post after I've had some time to sort through some of the emotional hell this has put me through, but right now I want to discuss the days events. Here's an update after today's Gastroscopy procedure.

Quick recap…..I went after having some severe abdominal pain, similar to having rocks moving through my intestines. Laura was worried that it may be an ulcer, or something worse, so I called off work and went to a general practitioner to get checked out. They recommended that I have a "scope" done to see what the extent of the damage from my acid reflux was. The ER had recommended the same thing, so I bit the uber-expensive bullet and scheduled the procedure.

It all took place today. I found out yesterday that they were going to actually put me under during the procedure, so I'd sleep through it. I'd never been put under, so I was a bit nervous about that, cause I know that sometimes on rare occasions you don't wake up from being anesthetized. But otherwise, I was glad I'd be asleep, cause the thought of having a large tube shoved down my throat while I'm wide awake just didn't suit me too well.

I was also nervous about what they'd find. I'll admit that I was somewhat nervous that they'd nick a blood vessel while they were inside and I'd have internal bleeding that would go un-noticed……..(I'm a bit of a medical wimp, ok…). So I was just not in a great place. I was nervous and anxious, and it took me removing myself from it all to be able to go through with it.

So Laura and I were at the Marion Area Health Center. I get called back in to get prepped. Understand that I HATE NEEDLES! The nurse was prepping me and tried to stick my right hand. She got the vein, but didn't tap it right, so she called someone else in to do it. The other hand got the needle instead. I swear, every time I get a needle, they always seem to have to poke me twice! WTF?!

Anyway, so they describe the procedure to me. Evidently, the plan was to heavily sedate me, do the procedure, and let me recover in the hospital room. They were going to numb my throat with a heavy duty spray that tasted like rotten ass dipped in battery acid. I had to swallow this crap!? Ew! The reason for the numbing was to suppress my gag reflex. Hmm, almost irony….in order to suppress my gag reflex, they made me wanna excursive it?!

It's hard to recall it right now, cause I'm still groggy from the anesthetic. But from what I recall, the nurse who administered the spray then leaned over me to inject the anesthetic into my IV. At this same time, another nurse put a big block in my mouth that was to hold my mouth open for the scope. I remember them putting that block in my mouth, leaning my head back, and then blacking out. It was weird.

I have no idea how long it took, but when they were done, I woke up in the hospital room with Laura beside me. I can't really remember much of it clearly, cause I was still heavily sedated. I couldn't even walk straight, and had to be taken to the car by wheelchair. They told me their findings:

They saw no signs of cancer, and no signs of Barrett's Esophagus. This is good news on both fronts, cause if I had Barrett's Esophagus, I'd have to be re-scoped once a year so they could search for cancer. Also, if either of these conditions existed, I would wonder what would happen to my fledgeling singing career (not that performing is the most important thing, but i'd rather not lose my voice if I don't have to…). They did see some inflammation in the esophagus and stomach, and gave me some lovely pictures of my insides!



I'd say that's more than just inflammation. Laura said "it looks pissed off!" lol! To contrast, here's what it SHOULD look like.....



So it looks like I'd just been having some major inflammation issues thanks to the Acid Reflux! They did take a biopsy, and will be testing it for any bacteria that can cause the inflammation. I go in on Monday to get the results of this and discuss it with my doctor. If it's the bacteria, my understanding is that it's totally treatable and may help rid me of my acid reflux! We'll see!

So I went home, and ordered a pizza. I hadn't eaten in 18+ hours, and I was hungry damn it! Besides, it was good news, I was up for a celebration! After eating, still groggy as hell, I passed out. I've been in and out all day. I woke up around 7:30 this evening, and I was feeling groggy and somewhat nauseous. I kinda feel like my ass has been kicked by some bad cold.

I feel like I wanna say more about all this, adding in some witty quips…..but quite frankly I'm still somewhat air headed from the anesthetic. So just know that it looks like I'm ok, and whatever is happening is totally treatable. I'd rather rack up some uninsured medical debt and know that I'll live than to hold off on the test and not have caught some quick moving cancer.

Anyway, all of this has rededicated me to a lot of things. I'll post about them when I'm more clear headed. But i feel like I've been made to think about the worst case scenario, and now that it's good news, I'm ready to focus and use the time I do have in front of me to take myself as far as i can go as quickly as possible. Fuck the 5 year plan, what if I can make it happen in 2? lol! We'll see!

Thanks for reading.

Taking stock of 2011

What a fucking year. A lot of good has happened, but a lot of very stressful bad things have happened too. Let's look at the bad......

Sarah leaves me.

I'm forced to adapt to life on my own for the first time in my life, at 30 years old.

I make some bad decisions in the love game.

I lose my day job.

I have to beg for money from family to pay rent.

I found myself dumpster diving for scrap metal to pay the bills.

I go into a depression of home sickness, longing for the Rockies, but knowing I can't get there because I lost my job and have no means to travel.

I get my job back, and start doing well, and start putting the pieces of myself back together financially, straighten out my love life, and start feeling optimistic about my future..............

..........but now it all might be derailed because I may have cancer?!?!

I don't necessarily believe in Karma, simply because there are a million facets to the decisions one makes, and what may be the only choice one has may be perceived by an outsider as a bad decision that will generate bad karma. I believe that life is completely random, I don't believe in a divine entity (despite my upbringing - sorry mom). I know I did nothing to deserve any of these worries.

But it doesn't make it suck any less.

Cancer?

Well this is going swimmingly…..

Ok, this is my uncensored, unfiltered rant. I'm not sure if I'm pissed off, but I'm not happy. I just got back from a gastroenterologist.

A month ago, I was in the ER with chest pains. They determined that it was likely not a heart issue, and advised me to have my acid reflux checked to see what damage it was doing. I put that off, cause I can't afford a doctor and have no insurance.

Two days ago, I was at my day job. I had eaten lunch a few hours earlier. I start feeling the sensation of hot rocks moving through my intestines in the left side of my abdomen. Laura suspects it could be an ulcer, as she's been through that pleasantness before. So I called off work yesterday to go see a doctor. I wasn't happy about losing a days pay, or how it would make me look the day after they assign me a new task at my day job, but health is more important than all of those things, so I did what I had to do.

Yesterday, they talk to me about my acid reflux, informing me that it can lead to esophageal cancer, which evidently is one of the worst kinds. So the doctor recommended that I see a gastroenterologist to have a scope done so they could see what's going on, just in case.

I went to the gastroenterologist this morning, under the impression that i was going to have a procedure done. They informed me that it would actually be scheduled another time, today was just the preliminary to see if it was needed.

So in essence, I paid $50 down to one doctor yesterday and $100 down to a doctor today to have them tell me that it's not going to happen today, but they want me to come back next week and pay $400 down to have it done……..

That's $550………..down…………and I only have managed to save $600.

Well, thanks to the corporate structure of American medicine, I've now in effect wiped out my savings. That won't even begin to touch the amount that it will cost my uninsured ass to pay for these procedures in the end, it'll just cover the down payments!

But what then? What if they find esophageal cancer? I'm going to be sitting here for a week worrying about the validity of these tests, and how pissed I'll be if everything's ok because of how much all of this is costing me (all so they can tell me to keep taking prilosec and get checked regularly……….) But quite frankly, what if? What if it turns out that I have something wrong with me that needs addressed?! I can't afford to get that shit treated! Period! I don't wanna end up like my friend Derek, but quite frankly - DEREK LIVED IN CANADA! I don't know the ins and outs of what he had to pay and didn't have to pay, but I'm sure that something like this would bankrupt me in the US and not bankrupt me in Canada.

And what if I do have cancer? I have no insurance! Good luck getting insurance with a pre-existing condition! There ought be some sort of law in this country……oh wait, wasn't that in Obama's health bill that so many people are ignorantly challenging?

I wonder how my mom felt 30 years ago, hearing the news that she was going to die. I wonder how she felt knowing there was no treatment, and that if there were a treatment she likely couldn't afford it anyway. I wonder if I'll end up like her, dead by 36?

I'm in sticker shock somewhat. How in the hell can you expect a normal working class individual to afford medical bills in this economy if they were not lucky enough to have insurance? How in the hell can you put a price tag on my life? How in the hell can you think that it's ok to intimidate people into not getting treatment because they know they can't afford it, and they can't leave their families with that sort of debt?

Now I understand why Walter White (Breaking Bad) does it…..not that I didn't understand before, it just hits home now.

I left the gastroenterologists office, with $150 less in cash, after missing two days of pay at work, feeling scared about what's going to happen to me. I'm scared the "what if's". What if I have cancer? What if I can't come up with the money to pay for all of this. What if I drain my measly $600 from my savings and use it to pay the down payments, then get laid off again in a week? What if all this does is put me into debt, and I'm fine? I've had 3 reactions to all of this since leaving the gastroneterologist.

1 - I wanted to cry. I know I can't afford ANY of this. But I'm almost forced into it. Sure, there are payment arrangements and plans, but the fact remains that I'm still going to have paid $550 by next week just in down payments alone, and the income assistance will not really cover enough of it for me. I felt scared and wanted to cry.

2 - I wanted to get shit faced. I thought to myself "Is 10am too early to get a bottle of jack daniels and drink myself to an oblivion?"

3 - I'm currently venting and trying to take my mind off of it all. I'm sort of in "recall mode" right now, and am avoiding actually thinking about these things and what they mean to me for fear of going off the deep end. I'm numbingly recalling what I've felt and what my frustrations are, so that I can write this blog, but if I stop to think about it for a second I start getting that tightness in my throat.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go get a bottle of Jack and go to town. I'm in no shape for doing homework, and I can't focus on mixing right now. I'll see you from cloud 9.

Life

As if I haven't had a million reminders in my life of it's finite nature, last night was one of the ones that hit home. Having spent time in the ER wondering if I'd had a mild heart attack, and thinking that if I died last night, that I would be heartbroken for not being able to see my mountains again or accomplish what I wanted in life (though not regretful of my life so far, aside from any pain I've caused anyone in my days on earth)....it makes me take stock.

I have a lot I wanna accomplish in life, both career wise and personally. I've only got a limited amount of time to get what I want, but what's more important? In the end, my personal life is far more important than my professional life. If I never reach any of my professional goals, I'd die happy knowing I tried. But if I reached all my professional goals, but my personal life were hell, that would leave me feeling empty.

So yeah, the personal is more important. So now what?

Well, I'm not shifting my goals, but I know I'd be happy if I never reached the professional ones, as long as I was able to reach my personal goals. Those would be a life without debt, lived with someone I love, and being able to make my mountains a part of my life again. If I don't accomplish anything else in my life, I can die happy knowing that I've accomplished those things.

E.R.

Ugh.

I went to the ER today.

I started having chest pains that were mild, but they were restricting my breathing. They lasted for about 15 minutes. Then, I started feeling all tingly all over, like I had been hyperventilating.

My day started off well, Laura and I went to the Rennaissance Festival in Harveysburg! This was my first trip to the Ren-Fest without Sarah…..Ever. I'd never been to one without her until today. So today was a big deal for me in some ways. But today was fun. It was new, and it was different from what I was used to, but it was fun in it's own right.

So on one level, this meant something grand for me!

MY FIRST VACATION! LOL!

I was so stoked to be on the open road again that I took this picture!


This was my first non-business related trip since Sarah left, and I relished in being on the open road again! It's a thrill for me to just get behind the wheel and be one with the highway, and be with someone I love. I'd missed that, and it was long overdue!

And it was already shaping up to be a good day anyway, because I was able to get my iPhone turned back on! I'm no longer a slave to that piece of shit little Nokia I'd been using after my job loss! If I didn't think it would be smart to keep it as a backup, I'd love to smash that little piece of shit! LOL!

But it was on the way home from Harveysburg that the trouble began.


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A little south of Grove City, I started feeling weird tension in my chest. This tension didn't intensify, but it was a dull pain that was constant. It would get sensitive when I breathe in deeply, so I was avoiding breathing past a certain point. After about 15 minutes, it went away, but I was left with a tingling feeling in my upper extremities and my head that didn't go away.

Laura and I decided it would be best to go to the ER when I got to Marion. So we picked up her car, then caravanned over (it's about 1/4 mile, so it wasn't far). When I walked in and told them my symptoms, I was adding light headed-ness to the list. I was standing there in the ER at the desk, and it wasn't as though the room started spinning, but rather that I'd suddenly had almost 2 beers and was feeling the effects of a buzz starting.

I guess they don't fuck around with chest pain at the ER. They grabbed me a wheelchair, and whisked me away to a room, where they removed my shirt and stuck a bunch of sensors on me. I had about 5 people buzzing around me, I felt kind of dumb causing that kind of fuss. lol. Next thing you know, they were messing with getting an IV started, but they lady couldn't tap the vein. So after trying both arms, she gave up and sent someone else to do it.



Let me be clear.

I

HATE

NEEDLES!

I received allergy shots in my teens, and after a while of going to the doctors office to get them administered every week, my Grandmother decided to have them show her how to give them herself! Now, I love granny, but her eye sight is far from what it used to be, and her hands aren't steady. She'd use alcohol on my arm, then miss the area she used the alcohol on with the needle! Her arms weren't steady! She'd stick it in quick, squirt in the medicine really fast, then pull it out and leave a big bump on my arm that would take a few days to go down! NEED I SAY MORE?

So getting stuck in the arms 3 times was a pain in the ass, and in the arms! LOL!

They ran blood tests, monitored my blood pressure, had me hooked up to electronic sensors for a couple of hours to keep an eye on me, and even took chest x-rays! It looks like it all came back clean, so I was advised to reduce my stress level, reduce my caffiene intake, and check in with a general practitioner about my acid reflux.

But there's just one problem with trying to reduce my stress level.

While I sat there in the hospital bed after Laura left to go home, I started watching The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King on TV. The landscapes I saw reminded me of Colorado, and that started me thinking about the mountains. I had decided to stay in bed for the night, even though I was wide awake, and just take it easy so I could relax. But as I laid there, I started looking on youtube at videos of Kings Valley Colorado.

I saw a home listing that was around the corner from my old home in Kings Valley! I recognize this house!



Here's how close this house is to my old place in Conifer!


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I found a video of a snowstorm in Conifer that took place on September 21st, 2009. I WAS THERE during that storm, and I remember it vividly because it was the first snow of the season! It was also Olive's first snowfall….EVER!

(Here's a picture of Olive after having just discovered snow for the first time on the same day, in the same city, that the above video was shot!)

You can see pictures we took of Olive romping in the snow that day at this link.

This all got me thinking about something that would really take a lot of stress off of me........to be able to see my mountains again. I know, we're back to that old song and dance, but fuck off. lol. But seriously, this got me feeling restless, and now instead of resting for the night, I feel motivated to get back to work. I wanna finish some projects I'm mixing so that they can help drive more business to me, helping me cast aside my day job ties, and allowing me to build my business to a self sustaining entity in Columbus Ohio. Once this is done, my transition from local studio owner to independant producer can more easily happen while I collect an income stream from the studio. Once I've established myself as a producer, and am collecting an income stream from Skyline Sound Studios as it operates in Columbus, I can seek residency in Colorado where I will be based 1/2 the year. I'll work 1/2 the year in Colorado, and wherever else my producing duties take me, and keep ties in Columbus as the owner of Skyline. I'll return to Ohio to help keep things running at Skyline, and essentially work out of both locations.

This is rather ambitious, I know, but I am feeling restless tonight and I want to get back to work to make this happen. I know I should take it easy tonight, but here I sit in the control room about to fire up Pro Tools. These records aren't going to mix themselves!

I'll take it easy, and Laura's going to help change my eating and fitness habits so that I can stay healthy. I'm kinda glad I stopped going to the bars rather recently, cause at 30 it might not have been the best idea to try to recapture my early 20's. I was developing a bit of a problem, and I recognize that now in retrospect. Evidently, Laura was balking at my blood pressure readings, so it's time for some things to give. I'll keep an eye on my health, and not overstress myself...

...But tonight, I'm going back to work.

(P.S. - Thanks everyone on facebook for all your concern. It means a lot. You really have no idea how much.)