Motivation

I'm sitting here at the studio, and am watching "Ride The  Divide", which is the film that inspired me to ride the great divide trail before I turn 40. I'm drinking my coffee, and watching the footage of the mountains, and thinking positively about my future. It makes me want to just kick ass and focus only on what will benefit me and my family.

I've had some confidence hits recently. But I've had events that gave me faith too. The confidence hits were caused by a lull in clients at the studio, but those things are going to happen. It's a cyclical business, and I can't let that get me down. But there's another thing that's had me acting somewhat irrationally. There was a studio in Columbus that had name recognition, and they had to close down a few years ago. They are re-opening in the building LITERALLY right behind my studio. I'll have a competitor 50 feet from my front door! That's a bit nerve wracking, but if I take the proximity of our studios out of the picture, the proximity doesn't matter in the least. If he were 50 feet or 20 miles, he'd still be another local option that I'd have to compete with. This guy's been in the game longer, has a local contact list, has name recognition, and can out-gear me any day of the week.

So those two issues have had a big hit on my confidence. But I need to get over that and move on. To help me regroup, I've been working hard on some promotional efforts. I've been going to shows every weekend, which is something I'd been not focusing on. I've been making new materials with viral sharing in mind. I've been working on my social presence online. I've even painstakingly been trying to improve my skills in every way I can so that I can compete with ALL of the local competition with ease. This has included lots of feedback from other engineers who aren't in my local market, and their input has been invaluable in helping me get better as quickly as I can. I've even been focusing on diversifying my product line so that I can offer something to folks who may not need recording or mixing services. I'm going to explore the opportunity to get into Audio Post work.

What I've learned about myself from the above is that even if I face something that seems bleak, and even if I let the stress get to me (which happened HARDCORE over the last couple of weeks), I always seem to find my way back to the positive place I need to be in order to move forward.

I've also learned that I have a rock to lean on when things seem bleak. Laura has been the most wonderful presence in my life, and has gone to extraordinary measures for the sake of our happiness and to feed the hunger in my soul. Without her, the bleak times would be even bleaker, and I find myself needing her grace more and more every day.

In fact, Laura helped me achieve something that I needed very much for the sake of the wounds my soul suffered upon my departure from the Colorado Rockies in 2010. We planned to make it out there this summer, and it was there that I planned to propose to her, but it didn't look possible due to financial reasons. Because of that, I took her to the Great Smoky Mountains, and it was there that she agreed to spend the rest of her life with me as my wife.  That day, she made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. The high lasted for days for me.

My heart still yearned for the west, however. It was very distressing that I didn't believe I could make it out there again, even after plans to go had to be cancelled. But in the middle of the summer, Laura suggested that we make a trip to Denver work somehow, and in August we hit the road for my first trip west in over two years.

Upon seeing the mountains for the first time, I felt like I was at home again. Being able to show Laura all the amazing sights that I had fallen in love with so hard meant the world to me. I broke down crying as I showed her the view from atop Conifer Mountain, which is where I used to live. I broke down crying again when she told me on our way to the San Luis Valley that she felt very at home there and could see living there with me very easily. It was an extremely medicinal experience for the part of my soul that was damaged by my departure from the Rocky Mountains. Laura and I visited our fourth national park, the Great Sand Dunes National Park, and it was by far the most fun park either of us have ever been too. She handled the altitude much better than I anticipated, considering her athsma, and even was able to handle the 14,000 foot ascent up Mount Evans before getting irritable due to the altitude.

Being able to see my mountains again, and to see the land that I love with every fiber of my soul, and to share it with the woman who has inspired the largest soul searching transformation I've ever undergone…..it was an extremely rehabilitative experience.


I've found myself not missing the mountains at any great extent since our trip. Laura speculated that I needed the trip to prove that I could make it out there again, and I think she was right. The trip helped us grow even closer than we already are, and made both of us think about our future together and with our daughters Lotus and Celest. It made me extremely confident about every aspect of my future. I still yearn to be there, amongst the great beauty of the west, but I think being there with Laura helped me make peace with my separation and bought me time and sanity.

As I write this blog post, I reflect on the events of the last two months. I see one constant. Laura. When I need strength, she does what she can to feed my soul. When I'm feeling on top, she's there to celebrate my victories and give further encouragement. Laura is my rock. Without her, I know my journey would be a difficult one.

Laura, thank you for constantly being a source of inspiration to me, and a reason for me to keep fighting. Thank you for keeping me grounded, and thank you for helping me keep moving on. I love you more each and every day.

 

4 Days In

I moved in with Laura and the kids on May 31st. It's now June 4th. The first day I was kinda feeling like a freeloader, but that feeling is starting to subside. I have some downtime on my hands while I'm waiting for the studio to be finished, and I can't work until then, so I'm trying to do my best to be the proverbial housewife. I've been cooking, cleaning, playing with the kids, ect. I'm pretty comfortable here at the moment.

But I know that Laura's got a lot on her plate. The studio move wouldn't be a possibility without her getting a full time job, which she has done. Being an autism mom, it's hard to keep a full time job. But now that I'm in the house, I'm trying to give her a break when I can. I hope I'll still be able to do so when I start scheduling studio clients, but we'll see what happens. I may have to set a certain set of hours and days that I'm available based on when she has to work and when her respite workers are here. We'll see.

Laura's job is in an environment where she cares for the mentally disabled. That's all I'll say here, because there are privacy concerns and that's all she's shared. But she has to play mom to two autistic teens at home, only to play caregiver to adults with similar struggles 40 hours each week. It's literally her entire life now. I admire the hell out of her, and I try to be strong and understanding when she gets stressed.

Being a woman in her position is going to be stressful. I'm in awe of her patience, and try to be the same way with the kids. I try to cut her a break on the housework, which seems to be endless with the girls thanks to autism, and try to give her what she had with me at my house in Marion…..a break.

Now that I live here, she has nowhere to go to get away from the house and decompress. Not that she doesn't love the kids, but you have to have some me time too. So I'm doing what I can to give that to her. After helping with the girls all afternoon and taking them grocery shopping with her, I could see that she was getting frustrated. She normally sleeps in the main room in case one of the girls wakes up in the night and decides to become active. The girls need 24-7 supervision, so Laura sleeps where she'll wake up if they get up. While I was moving my stuff in, I came in at 6:30 am with a load of stuff from Marion to find that Lotus had been awake since 1am and so had Laura. She had to work, and was exhausted, so I helped her get the girls ready for school and then helped Laura to bed for the few hours of sleep she'd get that morning.

Last night, I decided to take the couch because it was clear that Laura needed a chance to get a good night's sleep. I decided that not only would I let her sleep in the bed undisturbed, but that I'd stay up most of the night catching up on housework. I finally passed out at around 5am, but woke up at 7:30 because the girls were up and at em. School is out now, and Blaine doesn't show up till 3:00 pm. Laura had some errands to run. So I stayed up. I crashed for a few hours when Blaine got here to watch the girls.

I realize this may seem like I think I'm being this big amazing person by doing these big amazing things and that I want big amazing credit for helping this poor defenseless woman through an ordeal. That couldn't be further from the truth. I'm merely recounting what I'm doing to help the woman and family that I love. I don't want any special recognition. I'm just doing what I feel should be done for my future wife and kids.

But the alone time with the girls is giving me the chance to bond with them. I'm learning a lot of things about them that weren't so evident when I first met them. I've grown to love them, and to care about their well being. I've learned to take the challenges Autism can bring in stride, because someone has to do it.

I still want to get the studio up and running as soon as is reasonably possible. But I am enjoying the downtime with the girls. I'm no longer feeling like a freeloader, but rather like I belong here.

Moving!

At this point, it looks more likely than not that I'll get the space in Grove City for the studio! I go to sign the lease on Monday, and deliver the deposit (thank you Uncle Rick), and then we go over construction details so the contractor can get started! To say that I'm excited would be a massive understatement.

This should all be ready for me to move into on June 1st. If that stays true, Skyline Sound Studios shouldn't need much downtime. (Enough time to move out of the old, and enough time to move into the new and get set up). Once it's all set up, and has been beta tested (may throw a free track at a friend to test things out in the new space, preferably a rock band so I can test noise levels and isolation), I'm considering an open house. This would be where I'm on the premises all day, and people can come in and out all day to view the space. Hopefully this would lead to some bookings, but even if all it does is increase awareness, I'm good.

The cheesy sentimental side of my brain is wanting to commemorate this event. It'll be my first commercial facility that isn't in a house that I happen to be also living in. It'll be a space whose sole purpose would be for audio production, and it would be in a  professional environment! This would be huge for me! So the sentimental cheesy side of my brain is envisioning a ribbon cutting ceremony or a smashed bottle on the building to launch the studio. If nothing else, it would make a great memory for me to look back on and provide a photo op, so we'll see.

At any rate, things are looking up. I'm excited to get into the space, and can't wait to see it develop over the next month!

Marion Ohio………..SUCK IT!

Excitement…..

Excitement…..

I'm getting my hopes up, and that could be devastating. I'm really trying to reel it in, but I'm also stoked. I just got off the phone with the rental agency, and I could be in business in Columbus as early as June 1st!

I've got to come up with a deposit, while paying for May's rent in Marion. That's gonna be tough, but I'll do my best to make it work. Laura has suggested trying to help me make it work, and now I'm excited and humbled.

I feel like everything is finally lining up in my life to be where and how it should be, and that I have loving people in my life who are trying to make my life's goals come true.

I feel pretty amazing right now.

Becoming a father.

I've had people tell me in the past that there was no reason I shouldn't be making $60,000 per year. I've been told I've got the skills needed to land a great job by people I would like to think were unbiased. I fear that the circumstances I was born into, coupled with the fact that I have had no idea where to look for such work, have led me to be what I am. Technically I'm unemployed, and I don't have much to my name. I'm skating by on unemployment, and trying to peruse an education so that I can better myself.

For whatever reason I've made my mind up that the life for me is as a self made man, being self employed and completely self reliant. This may be one of the attributes that others saw in me that caused them to believe I should be earning more than a deli workers salary, or that of a call center operator. But considering that most entrepreneurs are generally broke for the first two years of their entrepreneurial endeavor, it's not hard to see me not being on very solid financial ground at this exact moment.

And for a while, the hope and dream that I'd someday be able to live the easy life making enough money to live very comfortably was enough to pacify me. I had a goal, I set a date, and I've been working to make that happen.

But recently, the perceptions changed. I'm going to be a father, and although the children won't have a single strand of my DNA, they will be reliant on whatever income Laura and I can earn. Factor in that both of my daughters have autism, and you see that I've got a lot to provide for. This isn't about me, and this isn't about wanting to live life on a permanent vacation. This is now about Lotus and Celest, my teenage twin daughters who will need lifelong care. This is about ensuring that they are taken care of far beyond my own expiration date, which I hope will be a long time away.

This is about giving my daughters the best life I can give them, at all costs.

I'm about to ramp up my efforts to bring revenues in to the studio, but I know that may not be enough before the money I'm living off of runs dry. I'm going to have to consider that the last two months of living this way may have to come to an end very soon as I am faced with the prospect of needing to find another job.

Meanwhile, I'm hesitant to give in. Sure, finding a job wouldn't be a defeat. It would just be a temporary means to an end, and would help ensure that I could continue where I left off two months ago with getting myself out of debt and building a better net worth for myself and my family. But even if I find another job, and I thrive at that, who says that's a defeat? It may mean I'm not as available as I am right this moment to bring someone into the studio to put down tracks, but it won't mean I'm closing up shop. It may mean that I'll be able to keep a roof over my head while I focus more on the studio on the side, all he while establishing a foundation for a better life for my family.

I don't want to take this road just yet, but I've got to examine the very real possibility that I'll have to do this very soon.

So here I sit right now, doing homework. Accounting homework, when you're 31, is just as boring as it would've been to me at 18. Factor in the adult ADHD and Facebook, and it's tough to keep focused. After all, right now I'm blogging instead of studying, and I have a test tomorrow…..lol.

But something happened today that's strengthening my resolve to fight. I'm actually proud that I've been able to focus, and one thing is getting me through it. My family.

Laura sent me a video today of Celest asking to to go the Aquarium. We're planning to go to the Newport Aquarium tomorrow, and it'll be Celest's first visit there. She found out a few days ago that we were going, and has been begging to go ever since.

Laura today stated to me that this year would be my first ever fathers day as a father.

Here I sit, with an indescribable feeling of joy inside, thinking about my new family and how much I love them. I'm also thinking about how much I want for them, which pushes me back to working. And when I start to get distracted by my ADHD, I look at a picture of my daughters that I took a few weeks ago. It keeps me moving.

Right now, I'm fighting for my family. I have some tough decisions ahead that may be very necessary, but also worth it. After all, now I've got a family to think about.

So back to work I go. Time to fight for my family.

Fatherhood.

There is a lot I want to accomplish in this life.

I've gone over my 5 year plan on this blog several times. None of that has changed, but I'm feeling a lot more pressure to succeed now that I'm not the only one relying on that success. Now that I've got two beautiful soon-to-be-daughters to worry about, and a soon-to-be-wife whom I couldn't live without if I tried (I know from experience), the pressure is on.

The thing is that Laura and I are very open and honest with each other about how we feel. I keep getting into a deep concerned state of mind, and I'm worried that she'll think I'm getting cold feet. That couldn't be further from the truth, but I don't blame her for having that response. Of course I'm nervous about becoming a father, and about being able to provide. That part is really getting to me right now, and it will until this whole thing sinks in. It still doesn't feel real in some ways that she said yes, and that we'll be planning the rest of our lives together. It'll sink in soon enough and feel real, and at that time I'll realize inside that nothing has really changed. The commitment and desire to be there for her and the kids has been there for a few months now. All that's changed now is that I put a ring on her finger.

Oh man, mentioning the ring on her finger made me think about how beautiful she'll be on our wedding day. Here I go getting all girly, but I really can't wait for that day. I love her.

And it's that fact alone that makes me know that I'm not going to change my mind and back out. The concern I feel is merely the pressure of affirming that I'm accepting fatherhood for the first time in my life, and worrying about what that will involve. It's about worrying that I'll fail. It's about worrying that even if I don't fail, that it won't be enough.

I love her to death. I love my soon-to-be-daughters too. It's times like this I'm glad I can turn to this blog, because it helps me put things into perspective. This fear isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing. I've got to get through it and use it as a motivator. I've got a lot I have to achieve for Laura, Celest, Lotus, and myself.

…..

Wow. I just realized. I'm going to have a family. I knew it, but it was one of those revelations that just truly sunk in. It's like typing this very blog post has helped make it all very real for me, and I'm extremely happy now. Those girls will be my daughters, and that woman will be my wife. They will be my family.

Fear just turned into acceptance and love, at least in this moment. I'm writing my thoughts here unfiltered as they are happening, and I feel pretty amazing right now.

Even if I fail, I want to try. It's time to stop being a boy and become a man. I'm no longer the most important in the equation, and I welcome the challenges ahead of me.

But now I am strengthened. I know that I need to improve myself, and I've got a lot of work to do. It's time to get moving ahead in life.

Life, worries, and why it's worth it.

There's a lot I feel the need to say in this blog. It could be more like a mini-novel. Just a warning.

My last blog indicated that there were big things that happened in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. That's right, and it's good news. On our trip back from Atlanta, we went to see the Smokies. I found a secluded place we could pull off and have to ourselves, which had a lot of stunning mountain views. I then took Laura down to a spot out of sight of the road.

It was there that I proposed. She said yes!



Let's explain what had happened. You see, ever since my cancer scare last October, I began examining my life and what I wanted out of it in a very in depth way. I decided that I couldn't live my life without Laura, and that led me to examine what I wanted out of our relationship. There were a lot of heavy things I had to consider, including her two children with special needs. I mean, if I wanted her in my life forever, would I be able to step in and care for two special needs teenagers when I never wanted to kids to begin with?

I knew after last October's cancer scare what was in my heart. But my head wanted me to be absolutely sure, which is why I started trying to be a presence in the girl's lives. After all, if I were to take that plunge, I'd then be responsible for them. After some soul searching, I realized that I had the desire to make it work out. I began to make efforts to spend some time here and there with the girls to get to know them. Celest now asks to go to my house, despite the fact that it's a 60 mile drive, because she loves my electronic drum set. Lotus seems to enjoy it as well, but not nearly as much as Celest. I've grown to love both of them, and want nothing but the best for them. Part of me wishes that I were in a better financial state at 31 years old, so that I could be better equipped to take care of them. Suffice it to say, I realized that I could lay it all on the line for Lotus and Celest, and that they are a part of the woman that I love.

Once I was absolutely sure, the plan was to take Laura to Colorado in June. We even set a date for the trip. Knowing what I was planning, I started dropping hints to myself in my blog so that I could look back on it fondly and point out to her where I had foreshadowed my proposal ("I'll just say this. It's going to be a trip that won't be forgotten."). I was going to buy a ring and pay for our vacation, all with my tax return, while continuing to dig myself out of the financial hole with my day job pay.

My plan was to get Laura to fall in love with the Rockies by driving her to all the wonderful sights I knew of. These included at least two national parks (Great Sand Dunes NP and Rocky Mountain NP at minimum), a drive through the San Luis Valley that makes my heart sing so much, and a drive up to the summit of Mount Evans. As much as I was feeling a need to be in the mountains again all the way to the bottom of my soul, I felt it only fitting that when I tell Laura how I really felt deep down, that it be in an area that meant something to me. If I were with the woman that I loved in the place that I loved, all would be right with the world for that moment and my proposal would mean more to me. So the plan was to ask her to marry me on the summit of Mount Evans.

But that plan was derailed when I was laid off on February 1st. I no longer knew whether or not I would be able to afford the trip, let alone rent. Not knowing that I'll be able to afford my Colorado trip in June really broke my heart, especially since I was planning something of this magnitude to take place during that trip. But in many ways, I feel that my job loss was a blessing. That, however, is a different blog post.

Laura and I had planned a trip to Atlanta during spring break after I went to Atlanta to visit family last Thanksgiving. I took a trip through the Great Smoky Mountains NP on my way back to Ohio on that trip, and fell in love with that park. Though it wasn't the same as being in Colorado, it was close enough to provide solace to my yearning for a mountainous landscape. When I feel the call, it's only 7 hours away. We planned this trip before I lost my job, but since I realized that I was going to be ok financially thanks to steps I took after my last job loss, we made the trip. I mean, it would cost about 3.5 tanks of gas, and room and board were provided by family. It's a quick, easy, cheap way to get away.

I had tossed around the idea of proposing to Laura on the trip to Atlanta while in the Smokies. After all, I couldn't' guarantee that I could make it to Colorado like I had hoped. How long was I going to wait? The urge to pop the question kept brewing up in me, and I almost asked on several occasions where the moment seemed right. But I held off, cause I'm a bit girly at times and didn't want to let go of my mountain proposal. But I really was fighting with myself deciding whether to compromise for the Smokies, or wait for a trip that may not happen this year.

About two weeks ago, I had an epiphany that made my decision clear. We don't have very long on this earth. It was one of those moments that really makes that fact hit you to the core, even though you already are aware of that fact. Nothing happened to trigger it, rather it was a sudden random realization. We don't have long on this planet, and all the money and material bullshit is just bullshit. The important things in life are who you spend it with and that you grab what you want now instead of waiting. There may not be a tomorrow, so get it now and value it. So that's what I decided to do. I would propose in the Smokies.

Saturday morning in Atlanta, before Laura and I went to Stone Mountain, my aunt is cutting my hair and starts asking me about Laura. She asks if I'm happy, then asks if I'm gonna propose. When I answered yes, this was like the first acknowledgement of this fact to anyone in person. I'd had chats with a friend in Indiana (thanks Kyle) about it, but this was my first vocalization of it to another person. This made it more real, but it didn't change my mind. It was a good acknowledgment to make to myself, and cemented my goal of doing it on that trip.

My aunt freaked out, and started getting really girly. When I told Cheryl that I didn't have a ring to give Laura, she whisked me up to her jewelry collection and started looking for a ring to give me as an heirloom. She then found a sneaky way of getting Laura's ring size, which luckily was really close to her own size. So Cheryl found a ring, cleaned it, and put it in a box. I hid it in my laundry, then my aunt and uncle prayed for a long healthy marriage.

When Laura and I took off for Stone Mountain, Cheryl made reservations at a nice, albeit expensive, Italian restaurant. She insisted that they break their rule of not reserving specific tables because she wanted to get us this nice corner table with a view. I think it was named ""Tuscany", and was only a few miles from their home in Woodstock Georgia. Cheryl was hoping I'd propose at the restaurant in front of her, which was out of the question because I wanted it to be a more personal intimate proposal, but this is why Cheryl went through all the trouble to get the perfect table and make a nice evening for us. I appreciate it, and it was a great gesture, it just wasn't how I wanted to do it.

That night, I couldn't sleep. Something Rick had said while praying for our union stuck in my head, and made me briefly re-examine. He prayed that I'd have the strength to be a father to her children. This brought up my fear of not being able to provide for them, and made me question whether it was the right time. But as I lie there next to her, I'd look at her and those fears were put to rest. I would find a way to make it work…..because it's worth it.

So after only 5 hours of sleep, I wake up at 5 am and start packing to leave for the Smokies. By 6:30, we were in the car and on our way. By almost 10 am, we were in the park. This was a big deal to me on another level because this was Laura's first trip to a national park. I wanted it to really impress. We entered on the North Carolina side near Cherokee. Not far into the park, we found a visitor center with memorabilia and park rangers. I bought a couple of shirts for Laura's kids, then bought a magnet from the park to commemorate the trip. I had a collection of magnets from parks that I'd visited previously in my last relationship, but she took them when she moved out. Laura and I decided to start our own collection to commemorate our travels to the parks. So we bought our first national park magnet, which is now on my fridge.



While in the park, we also bought National Park Passports that we can have stamped as we "collect" our parks together. They are kept in my car, and have a date stamp for the date we went to our first park together.

We found out that due to the unusually warm winter, they opened the lookout on Clingman's dome early for the season. That very day was the first day it was open for the season, though it normally is closed till April 1st. So we embarked on our trip up the park road. As we started climbing through the switchbacks looking at mountain vistas and feeling in awe of the landscapes that surrounded me, I could feel that it was right. I was gonna do it, and nothing was gonna stop me. So I found a pull off with an amazing panorama. Fortunately it was early in the day so there weren't many tourists on the park service road, and the pull off I found was empty other than our car.

I remembered this spot specifically because this was the only place in the park I could get reception on my phone. I called Laura from this spot on my last trip through the park last November to tell her how much i wished she were there because it was so amazingly beautiful. I actually thought to myself last November that this spot would make a great place for the proposal if Colorado doesn't work out for some reason.

And 4 months later, I have Laura in that spot. I take her by the hand, and lead her down a little path into the foliage. We were alone, even if someone pulled into the parking lot above. It was here that I let it out.

I had rehearsed this about 50 times in my head, but when it came down to THE moment, my brain stopped wanting to work. So I stuck with the cliffnotes. lol.

When I told her how I felt, and that I couldn't imagine anything in my life being the same without her in it, I then asked her to marry me. This clearly caught her off guard, cause she seemed stunned, but after a half second pause (which seemed like an eternity to me…..), she said yes.

The rest of the trip in the park seemed to be that much more awesome because of this amazing connection that had been made. I do feel like we connected on such a deeper level because of it, and that feeling persists now. I can feel it now very strongly despite our 60 mile distance from each other at this moment. We drove through the rest of the park seeing the sights with a visible glow about us.



I feel that this has brought us closer in a lot of ways. I couldn't be happier that she said yes. Having done it, I'm glad I didn't wait for what my head told me was the right moment (i.e. Colorado), because it's not about knowing what you want and waiting for it to happen. It's about knowing what you want and going for it when you want it. I wanted my engagement ring on her finger, and I didn't want to wait any longer to ask if I could put it there.

And although I'm extremely happy about the fact that it's happened, late at night I sit up anxiously worrying about getting my shit in order. I mean, I now will have to be a provider not just for myself, but for 3 other people. I'm not going to back out of this, that's not what my anxiousness is about. I am however terrified. I'm 31, I don't have anything to offer except a wing and a prayer, and I'm taking on responsibility for other human beings who will be completely dependent on me and Laura.

In other words, if I fail now, I'm not the only one who goes under. Things were easier in my previous relationship, because not as much was on the line and I hadn't matured enough yet to really give a damn about money and our future. This is one thing I feel tore that relationship apart. What if I can't get my shit together now? Much more is on the line now.

I came back to Ohio with an extreme can-do attitude. But when I woke up the next morning I started feeling the first real waves of fear. But I imagine most new fathers feel this fear when they find out they will be responsible for another person. I'm just feeling it for the first time at 31, and they aren't even my kids. That doesn't mean I won't do everything I can for them as though they were my kids, but feeling that fear of the "what if" makes me feel kinda numb and disconnected when I'm by myself.

I'm trying to keep my feelings and emotions in check so that nothing builds up inside, so before going to bed I explored myself and found this wall of fear. Laura and I have talked about this already, and I didn't wanna wake her up with it, so I turned to the blog. But what started as a quick explanation of the fear I was feeling has taken me 90 minutes to write.

I do feel better after writing it, and I do look forward to many happy and healthy years ahead with my future wife. She's such an amazing woman, and she gives me strength to make myself a better person. But I know that if I never amount to anything, she'll still love me just the same. It's a wonderful feeling to know that to the very core of yourself. I couldn't ask for a better best friend and companion to share my life with. I look forward to many travels and life experiences, and I look forward to the good times and the bad. I want it all, as long as she's with me for it all.



I love you Laura.

Rejuvinating effect.....

I can't explain it, but if you've ever been in love with a landscape, you'll understand it.

I had switched my computer's wallpaper to a picture of Olive as a puppy after hearing of her passing Saturday. Then, every time that I'd go back to my desktop it was like a punch in the chest.

I just decided that I needed to change it to something more uplifting. I chose a picture taken on the shores of Jackson Lake of The Tetons.



Just seeing this photo, and other photos of the mountains I've taken, instantly put my soul at ease. It almost has a rejuvenating effect just seeing them and knowing that I was there.

So now I reconsider the importance of making this Colorado trip in June happen. I'm not much of a spiritual person. It's not that I don't believe, I'm agnostic. But what I do believe in is the healing powers of nature on the soul, and now I'm feeling the urge to make this trip happen come hell or high water.

This might just be a pipe dream, but after falling in love with a landscape of such indescribable beauty, when that gets taken from you it's easy to obsess. I'm not moping and feeling sad, much like I was 6 months ago, but rather I'm feeling happy knowing that it's there and that I can go back there. Now I'm feeling that calling in my soul. I need it back, even if for a fleeting moment this summer.

More importantly in the immediate is the fact that just seeing these images reminds me of my goal. Now I'm reminded that beyond all the bullshit, I have a goal for my life. Now my resolve is strengthened, and right now I just wanna fight tooth and nail to get it back.

A BREAK!

It looks like my unemployment is kicking in this week. My first payment has been issued, though I haven't recieved it yet. So even though I have no studio bookings right now that don't revolve around my own projects (which may take some time before they bear financial fruit), it looks like i've got an income for now and it'll be just enough to get me by. I wanna be careful, cause I don't wanna count my chickens before they've hatched, but best case scenario, I'm ok for now.

I don't wanna ride this out as long as I can, but the good thing is that I know that if I have to, I can, and I'll be ok. It's knowing that the safety net is there that gives me relief.

I won't go too in depth on it here, but according to my projections this is just the break I was looking for. So perhaps me losing my job was a good thing, as I was getting really stressed with everything piling up around me. Now I can approach life more relaxed and try to sort myself out financially.

It's such a warm wonderful happy feeling to know that despite my lack of a job, I won't starve. It's such a wonderful happy feeling to know that I'm financially ok for the time being. It's such a wonderful happy feeling to feel wonderfully happy for the first time in months.

Now it's time to use this safety net to ensure that I never have to use it again. I've got a mountain to climb, but I'm on my way.

Reflections a year later.

I'm feeling good. My stress level isn't as high as it was a few days ago, which I attribute to me being given less stress in my day to day work environment after being laid off earlier this week. It's a sunny Sunday morning, and I'm loading Pro Tools to start mixing K Nacole's next track. In general I feel good.

It's been one year to the day since Sarah moved out. It was a Saturday, and it was snowing like crazy. I was at work, and I came home to an empty house with very little furniture in it. It was a numbing day for me, but one that cut to the bone. 12 years, gone in a day.

But today, I'm feeling well. I'm just a little bit down thinking about it, but I'm over it all. I'm only really down because I'm remembering the emotions of that day, and that's never fun. But I'm doing OK today. I've got a full plate today, full of audio work and homework. I've got a plan for where I wanna take my life. I've got a beautiful woman that I'm planning a lifetime of companionship with. I've got a 5 year plan in place to guide me to where I wanna go. I've got business ideas in place that I'm implementing. I've got a lot of aspirations. I've attacked my financial insolvency head on while I had a steady income, and now that I don't, I'm ok for the time being.

I've matured a lot over the last year. I've stressed myself out a lot in recent days, but that's falling to the wayside as I distance myself from my stress-inducing job. I still have an underlying sense of panic with the uncertainty of my finances, but I know that as long as I stick to my budget and put forth a real effort, I can manage what i have.

I've traveled a long and emotional road over the past 12 months, and even in the 4 months before it when Sarah started showing signs of changed feelings regarding our relationship. But I feel that today will be an important milestone, as it's now been one year of post-Sarah events. I only mark it because I feel I should for my own mental health. Knowing that every special occasion that will come up over the next year will have been preceded by that occasion without Sarah the year before will help me really be able to just live my life and not focus on the past anymore.

Laura says that I focus on anniversaries of events, which I find completely true. So the fact that this one is passing leaves me to feel that I can now fully just let it all go and move on in every way. I'm feeling somewhat freed by that knowledge.

So here we are, one year later, and I've weathered a mental hurricane. But I've come out on the other side, begun to repair the damage, and am now a happy and confident person again. I'm now excited for the year to come! Bring it on world!

FREEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

JP MORGAN CHASE - SUCK IT!



I just paid off my credit card with them as a 31st birthday present to myself! (I turn 31 on Monday).

This is a great feeling!

Now the next debt in line will be my NTB Citi Card. THAT one will feel great, because I didn't know I was signing up for a credit card. I thought I was financing tires on a 6 months same as cash payment. The employees at NTB in Marion put it that way, saying that I'd have 6 months to pay it off! Instead, what I signed up for was a Citi card, and there were minimum payments due almost immediately that I could not afford. So my credit really suffered at the hands of NTB and Citi not making it clear what I was actually signing up for. This card was not wanted, and it's been a thorn in my side for a year now. I planned to pay it off with my school overage, but it wasn't in the cards. Then I lost my job over the summer, and this card started racking up late fees like you wouldn't believe.

I almost considered a lawsuit against NTB and Citi for not making these terms clear in the first place, and that option is still on the table.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to that one being gone. But I couldn't pay it off first, since i can't use it for emergencies. It's only usable at NTB. So I needed to pay off the card that could be used for emergencies first. Now that this is done, the Citi card will follow.

Even though I'm really pissed off at Citi and NTB because of their negligence, I may decide to keep this card open when it's paid. After all, if I have an auto emergency, I can use this card for that purpose. But then again, I'd have such a sense of satisfaction paying off that card that I would be tempted to go to the NTB store and burn the fucking card in their parking lot in full view of their employees. So we'll see.

For now though, I am going to drink my beer, grab a pizza, and celebrate. Happy birthday to me!'

Nothing specific. We'll see where this goes.

I haven't written a crazy emo / money management / happy with life blog today!

Can't let that happen, but at the same time, I feel like I'd be blogging for the sake of having something to say. Can't have that either.

So here's what I'll do. We'll just give a quick financial update, and a shout out to my friend Jen Ray who successfully transplanted herself from Bloomington Indiana to Colorado Springs today! Jen, Godspeed, and I'm horrendously jealous ;)

That said, time for the financial quickie (that sounds dirty and expensive.....)

I was thinking earlier today about how good it feels to have reached the credit card milestone all by myself, just because I buckled down and dedicated myself to paying it off. It's not paid off yet, I'm waiting for the funds to transfer out of my savings into my checking so I can make that payment. That'll take about a week, because my online savings is with HSBC and not easily accessible. But the card is as good as paid. I'm down to around $169 on my balance after just a week, thanks to the studio work from this weekend, and when my $159 from savings comes in there's no reason to leave a $10 balance on the card, so I'll just handle the miniscule difference myself.

But as stated, this got me thinking about how good it'll be to be debt free. 6 months ago, I had 3 credit cards, a car loan, plus a mountain of debt to my Ex and my student loans. Now, two of the cards are effectively paid off, and when the last card and the car loan are paid off that'll give me an extra $220 each month. Obviously, this money should go to the mountain I have to pay off to my Ex and then saved for my student loans, but the point is that if I can't make any more payments than I currently make to those bills I'll still have $220 fewer in monthly expenses than I did 6 months ago!

That's just a small taste of the freedom that will occur when all these damned debts are paid off. These debts are about to become my bitch!

The Music Business.

The music business.

Being 30 years old and having a savings account that couldn't pay my current gas bill, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future and how I'll dig myself out of the hole I'm in. This is obvious if you've read through my 5 year plan and any of my other business related blogs. So I wanted to use this post as a way of breaking down why I'm doing certain things that I'm doing.

I currently run Skyline Sound Studios. My studio rate is only $25-hour, kept low because I don't have a very large marketshare in the recording market for Central Ohio at this time. When that marketshare increases, my rate will increase, allowing me to shed my day job even sooner and make Skyline my full time day job.

But let's look at the numbers.

$25/hour + 40hours/week + 52weeks/year = $52,000.00/year.

This is a calculation of what is coming in only, and doesn't account for the costs of doing business. I'd be making almost twice what I make at my current day job if I can make Skyline full time at it's current hourly rate, which will be nice, but it won't be enough to get me what I want in life.

Good financial planning dictates diversification. This means that you shouldn't put all of your eggs in one basket, because if the basket gets knocked off of a shelf, you're out of eggs and have to start from scratch. So I'm looking into other ways of generating an income, and have determined that the music business is where I should continue to focus. This time, it'll be on using the studio as an asset to produce products that will be sold. In other words, I'm starting record labels out of the studio.

Let's explain. I've already expressed my intentions to monetize off of Project DIVIDE and my solo career. This is something that's taking more time to start than I'd hoped, but I'm taking steps when I can. Meanwhile, I've also decided to partner with Nathan Froe to start F.R.O.E. Records, a hip hop label in Columbus Ohio. We've signed Jovy, our first artist. We're going to be hitting the studio soon to record Jovy's first release, which will be heavily marketed online and through other sources.

I'm also considering making deals with other independant artists to work toward promoting their products in exchange for a share of their revenues, essentually acting as a label without signing them to a label. I'd be working for an equal share of their profits.

So what does all this mean? Let's turn to Jack Conte and Natalie Dawn from Pomplamoose.

Yeah yeah yeah. I've mentioned this before, but basically, these two helped me realize that it's possible to make a living off of music independantly in this day and age. So if Jack and Natalie can sell over 100,000 downloads a year, and each of them have their own solo careers as well, then there's no reason I can't follow this model.

So now let's look at some numbers. Let's just assume that I can sell 10,000 downloads each from my solo project, Project DIVIDE, and from F.R.O.E. Records label artist Jovy, and we'll leave the speculated possibility of working with other artists out of it for now. So that's 30,000 downloads I've sold at $1 each, meaning that I'd have generated $30,000! Now, that's not $30,000 for just me, that's $10,000 for each of 3 different projects and I'd need to split those profits between the other parties. But let's just assume that from that, I am able to retain a profit of $10,000. If I add that to the $52,000-year potential revenue of Skyline Sound Studios, I'll be around $62,000 -year. This will be a decent living for an artist to be making, and if these investments continue to grow, then the sky is the limit!

So let's plug that into my 5 year plan.

By New Years Eve 2017, my goal is to have dual residency in Columbus Ohio and in The Greater Denver Area. My studio will have been built into an efficient, self sustaining business by then, and I'll have established income streams from F.R.O.E. Records and my other musical projects. I will have used my recording and musical careers to establish myself as a producer who now has national clients, and will travel the country and possibly the world to work on records. I may or may not start a studio in Colorado, as there are studios I've partnered with there that are already up and running that I can work from. If I don't start a commercial studio in Colorado, this may help me save the cost of starting a new facility and trying to gain a marketshare in that market, but we'll see. I would at least have a private production facility so that my musical career could continue without haulting, and that would allow me to continue working on Project DIVIDE and my solo career from either Ohio or Colorado. And now, on January 5th 2012, the clock is ticking. I have officially less than 5 years to implement these things. Fingers crossed. With luck, and hopefully with Laura by my side, I'll be looking back on this blog on December 31st, 2017, and be toasting my accomplishments to a glass of champaign from within the Rockies.

Happy new year!

The symbolism of dates on a calendar.

2011 is now a not so distant memory, and honestly I feel amazing after having turned to a new chapter in December. I'm starting to finally recognize myself again. It's been a long fight, filled with lots of whining emo moments and lots of bitching and moaning. Laura thinks I was depressed, in more than an "I'm Sad" sense, and I think she's right. But fortunately for me, I think that's well behind me at this point. I'm starting to feel like after crossing the threshold into 2012, I've wiped the slate clean and am starting a new year fresh and clean with lots of my old unwavering optimism. For the first time since 2010, I feel consistently good about the future.

What's weird though is how passing a date on a calendar can do that to a person like me. Laura thinks I fixate on dates based on events from my life, and again she's right. When I was a teen, every April 26th was the worst day of the year for me, cause that was another anniversary of mom's death. Being with Sarah for 12 years, dates on a calendar were a huge deal. Every year, the holidays were highly anticipated, as were birthdays and anniversaries.

But who cares?! It's a date on a calendar. A Calendar is a time management platform developed by man. Just because you pass the anniversary of something terrible doesn't mean that the terrible thing is going to happen again. It's just another day in the grand scheme of things. So why get all hung up on the date?

But I do. And now that I've passed into 2012, I feel almost new. I feel like it's all officially in the past and I can move on with my life and not let my past rule me.

It's a good feeling.

It's my world now!

I just got loaded with a HELL of a lot of drive to make 2012 my year.

First, today was a MAJOR ass kicking day behind the mixing desk. I got the Enemy By Mourning record about 99.9% done, and was able to make some more progress on the Project DIVIDE EP too!

Then, I got two studio inquiries, and a date booked for Jan. 15th. Yay for clients!

And finally, I noticed just now that a song that was recorded in the room where I sit right now and type this has been distributed to Spotify! It's the first time I've heard something I've created that was distributed there, so I'm having a mild geek out!

If you have Spotify, check out Free by K Nacole. Follow her on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/KNacolemusic



This won't be the last time something I worked on is put on a nationally utilized distributor, but it is the first time, and I'm stoked!

That's it. I'm gonna make 2012 my bitch. It's about time shit turned around, and I'm pumped.

What others think.

You know what, Fuck you.

That's the attitude I should have toward anything anyone else thinks of me. it's only their impression of me, and it doesn't define me.

Last night, drunk, posting to twitter about Colorado, I got in a conversation with a friend where it was made apparent that I whine about Colorado at levels that others take notice too. Now to be fair, the friend was being empathetic, and this isn't a pissed off rant at him. He meant well, and I thank him for talking to me. But now I realize that people may see my posts and see me as whiny.

Well, Fuck them! Again, not directed at the friend I talked to last night, but rather directed at anyone who thinks any less of me because of my posts. They can all go kiss my ass, because I don't wanna be someone who lives his life based on what others think of him. I'm living my life on my terms based on what I wanna do, and I'll do and say whatever the hell I want.

I've turned a corner, and I've turning away from being a whiner into a fighter. I've already made 2012 my bitch, she's tied up in the basement with a ball gag right now. It's time shit gets real.

Odd fluctuations.

I find it strange how often my mood about things fluctuates. I'm going constantly between being moody and emo about things to being pissed off to being optimistic to being emo and moody again. It's happening too often. I'm starting to wonder if there's not something deeper going on that needs addressed, but even if I could afford a therapist, when the hell would I find the time?

I'm extremely optimistic about my 5 year plan. I get really happy and excited thinking about moving back to Colorado. But then I get really pissed off at having left, and how things fell apart after I left. Then I get happy about my relationship and the way things are going in some respects, but then I get all moody and emo about everything that's happened over the last 18 months.

I want some stability. I'm sick and tired of not being sure what the hell I want, or what the hell I am feeling. I'm also getting really sick and tired of bitching about missing Colorado. I don't want it any less, but I'm getting tired of bitching about being away from it.

I guess I don't understand where I'm at emotionally at the moment, and that's frustrating. It doesn't seem I can get what I want without massive amounts of work and patience, and that creates a lot of anger because I don't want to have to wait any longer.

I just don't wanna be all moody and emo anymore. I want stability emotionally, and I want to be happy.

Merry Christmas......

It's now Tuesday, December 20th.

Weird to type that and have it feel like just another day in just another month.

I'm not taking much stock in Christmas this year. There are plenty of reasons, and one of them is that I have no money to buy anyone a present.

But other than that, I also don't have someone living with me making me feel all festive. it's easy to get excited about a holiday when the other person is excited about it too. But after 12 years, that person is gone. This is my first christmas in 12 years without her, and I don't know if I'll even see her over the holiday.

Kinda weird, but also, kinda not at all.

After all, there were deep wounds cut this time last year. That's gonna take some time to heal, and it's still going.

But this isn't just another long winded rant about how hurt I feel about the separation.

Actually, this is more of a statement to the fact that I don't think Christmas is really all that important.

After all, why do we hold so much stock in a commercialistic holiday designed to line the corporate pocketbooks by promoting good will in the form of a pretty package?

Ok, sure, it was started as a religious celebration of Jesus's birth……but come on. Only a small handful still celebrate that aspect of the holiday now. The rest of you are waiting in your long stupid lines on black friday to plow your fellow man over in order to get this doodad or that doohickey because the corporate machine has you by the balls……but I digress.

If you take away the commercialism, and you take away the religious aspects, Christmas is supposed to be about being with those you love and those that truly matter.

Forgive me, but after last year's disastrous Christmas, is that person really going to be Sarah? I'm not so sure. I know it'll be Laura, and my family, but where Sarah fits in…..I'm not sure.

And if I'm not celebrating the religious side of the holiday this year, and I'm not celebrating the religious side of the holiday, then buying presents and hanging lights become useless practice…..especially when I have no money for either.

So I'm just going to let Christmas be what it is……another day on the calendar. I'll spend it with family, and I'll be glad to see them, but it'll not be quite the spectacle that it has been. Because of that, I'm just letting it slide by this year almost unnoticed.

Maybe I'll get back in my holiday spirit by next year……who knows.

2011.

There's so much I wanna touch on. I don't honestly know where to begin.

It's 1 week before Christmas 2011.

On Christmas Day it will be 18 months to the day since we drove out of Conifer Colorado in the moving van……

……it'll be 1 year and 2 months approximately since Sarah first hinted that she was having second thoughts about our 12 years together……..

……it'll be 1 year exactly since she let it slip on Christmas Day 2010 that our relationship was in fact over……

It'll be 10.5 months since she finally was able to move her belonging out of the house, and transformed from my best friend into a major source of stress and despair in my life.

I'm over it. I've indicated this. I've moved on, and am now with a woman who loves me, respects me, has faith in me, and who I doubt I'll ever be able to let go of because of those reasons…….and because of so many more.

But the fact is that I still have a lot of anger and resentment. It's bubbling up like crazy right now, and I need to get it out.

For instance, I've made no secret of the fact that I was in love with the Rocky Mountains. It's approximately 18 months now since I've last laid eyes on them before slipping away like a thief in the night. If you read this blog, you know how big of a loss that has been for me. But just when I thought it was getting better……….it got worse.

Over Thanksgiving this year, I went to Atlanta Georgia to visit my family. This was my first road trip of any significance without Sarah, and it was a much needed experience. I wished that Laura could've been there, but I made the most out of being in the region. On my way back, I stopped in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.



I'm not sure if this was a great trip, or a big mistake.

There I was, completely in awe and completely in love with the landscape. It was like having the Rockies in the heart of the Plains. I was geeking out, taking photos and videos at every turn. I went to the top of Clingman's Dome, even though it was covered in a cloud bank and I couldn't technically see beyond 30 feet. But it was covered in conifer trees, and I was breathing the cool thin mountain air, and I honestly felt like I was at home again.

It was something my soul needed…….

…….but now I can't stop thinking about home. I can't stop getting hourly flashes of the landscapes I left behind 18 months ago. It's a constant reminder of everything I've lost, and it's driving me nuts. And note that I am not exaggerating when I say that it occurs hourly.

I'm planning a return trip with Laura in June, and it'll be nearly 2 years since I left, but it won't be enough. I have too many places I'll want to see when I'm there, and I'll have too many people to want to visit, and I'll never want to leave. I know this will be a great trip spiritually, but then I'll leave again. I don't know how I'll handle that.

I know I'm getting all emo about a bunch of geological features that really hold no significance to how I live my life, but there's nothing like this place that I've ever seen in my life. I couldn't imagine anywhere more beautiful, and when I lived there for two years I'd constantly be out and about looking at my surroundings. They gave me peace, and they were a spiritual escape.

………and now they are gone. Now the relationship that defined me for 12 years is gone. Now the business opportunities I had begin while living there are gone. Now, after everything I've given up over the last 12 years for one person, I had to start from scratch in every way this year.

That infuriates me.

I remember one year ago this week. Sarah's brother's birthday is on the 23rd of December, and we'd usually head for Wheelersburg around that date. But Sarah and I would have our own Christmas celebration before opening gifts with family. I remember doing what I felt was a symbolic measure to show her that I was changing and going to be acting more responsibly, which was a great divider for us. I remember getting her mother, brother, and her brother's wife, to pitch in for a laptop for her for Christmas. This was to replace the one I'd dropped and busted just before we moved from Colorado. After getting her a laptop, I also bought her Mario for her Wii. These were both items that she wanted very much, and I got them for her as a symbolic gesture that I was going to be more responsible and take everything more seriously.

She loved the laptop. She loved the video game. She was ecstatic………and she seemed to appreciate the note in the Christmas card attached to the laptop that said that it was a symbolic gesture.....but 5 days later it was all for nothing.

January came, and I was begging her not to move out. It would be a financial nightmare for me, cause I wasn't sure if I could afford this house on my own. I was showing her that we could pay off our debts if we stuck to a budget and be in a better financial place if she'd just stay in the house and not increase our individual monthly expenses by adding on her own set of rent and utility bills. I begged and pleaded, and she seemed interested……….

But then on February 5th, I came home to a nearly empty house.

I kinda feel that if you're gonna leave someone, and they didn't want you to, that the least you could do is leave them some fucking furniture. I kinda feel that if you're the one to leave, you forfeit that stuff. You're leaving the person behind after all, so are you really gonna take away most of the possessions that you both shared as well? I don't think that's fair. She left me with my studio gear, a TV, a couple of end tables, and my grandfathers old easy chair that I had been sleeping in for the past few months.

I still feel abandoned. I still feel cast aside. I still feel like I wasn't important to her anymore, and she was making no secret of it. I still feel like she lost faith in me long ago, and despite the fact that I was legitimately willing to change my ways to be a more responsible person, she'd heard it enough and didn't give a fuck anymore.

I'm still angry.

This is my cross to bear, but it's still here. It won't go away. It's been fucking with me all year.

Couple that with the fact that I'm now separated with the place that I literally was in love with, and seeing no easy way back to it………..

………..but though it may not be easy, it will happen. It won't happen as soon as I want it to, or I'd have never left. But it will happen. It's just going to take some time now to put a few things in place first.

The things in life that are worth it are worth fighting for. I'm about to bring a reckoning to the pattern my life has seen for it's first 30 years. Ohio has tried to put me in the ground this year, and it doesn't want to let me leave, but I'm waging a war. I will not settle for less. There is no reason I should, because there's no reason I can't have exactly what I want. Period.

So what do I want?

Refer to my 5 year plan to get an overview of what I'm trying to achieve by New Years Eve 2017. There are a few things I've started since writing that blog that weren't mentioned, such as my new record label that I've formed, or my efforts to go into artist management. If I can take one of the artists I have full faith in to another level, then I have earning potential from that and it'll be easier to live life on my terms……

……because as I said, I refuse to compromise.

So let's summarize. I want dual residency between Denver and Columbus. I want this for two reasons. 1 is Laura. She's got ties here that I won't take her from, but I want to live life with her in the Rockies. So this would be a great way to keep her with her family, while getting my mountains back. 2 is for the business possibilities. I'm establishing the label here in Columbus, and I'm establishing the studio here in Columbus. I'm hoping to make those viable income streams while then establishing myself as a national producer who is hired around the country to produce records. Denver makes sense, because it's a major music market. The Flobots and The Fray are both from there. Denver would be a great music industry hub for me.

This is going to take a lot of work. I have to get myself out of debt in the next 5 years, build several businesses into profitable enterprises, reach out to a nationwide artist market as a producer, and create financial independence, all while being a full time student with a full time day job at the moment. It's a bit overwhelming at times. But for the last 1/3 of my life, I've put myself on hold for someone who ultimately cast me aside. I felt that was worth it, because I was happy. Now I'm 30, have nothing saved, and have been through hell in the past 10.5 months.

It's time to change the game. It's time to stop compromising on what I want. It's time to reach for it with every ounce of my being. FUCK EVERYONE who stands in my way. I WILL have EXACTLY what I want, and I will not settle for anything less.

To the one who cast me aside, I'm still angry. Deal with it.

To anyone who wants to hold me down, or who doesn't believe that I can do this, go fuck yourselves.

To Laura, the woman I love with all of my soul, thank you for your undying faith in me. I promise to give this everything I have and build a better life for both of us.



To the music industry, look out for me. Here I come.

To Colorado, stay beautiful for my return.

Going home.

I don't recognize myself. The person who I was for the latter half of my 20's is gone. I'm no longer that person. I don't even recognize who I was 12 months ago, as I was making my last desperate pleas to Sarah not to leave after 12 years.

So much has changed since then. It's like I've been poured out, shaken around, purified, stripped away, and left alone to find my way back from it all. I don't like the journey, but here I am. I don't feel the journey is done, but for the most part my inner turmoil is over. I've inflicted pain, been deceitful, been dishonest, and ignored my inner spirit's own callings…….only to hit rock bottom and begin climbing out in a different direction.

Things are different.

That is to say that things will never be the same.

Ever.

But here I am. I'm 30, have been living alone in this house for almost a year, and I've got a more galvanized attitude toward the goals I want to achieve in life thanks to the ordeal I've gone through this year.

And yet the fucked up thing is that there's one thing I can't shake.

Colorado.

In some ways, it's just a state, but in other ways, I felt alive living there.

I haven't felt that alive since.

I'm in love again, and that's an amazing experience……but I can't shake the amazing wonders I've seen. It almost seems like a dream, which makes it something of a nightmare because I can't wake up from it to realize it was only a dream. It's more like I'm stuck in the nightmare knowing that this amazingly beautiful and peaceful place exists, and that my soul calls to it, but I can't have it. I'm envious of those who do, knowing that some of them are taking it for granted. I hate them.

All I know is that, despite my entire person being morphed and changed over the last year, this is one thing that sticks with me. Until I can see the vast expanse of the rockies again, and live amongst it's wildness and seclusion, I fear that I'll always be somewhat of a shell of a person.

If you've been, you know what I'm talking about. If you've been, but don't know what I'm talking about, shame on you.

I plan to return with Laura in June of 2012. This will only be a vacation, but it'll also be a homecoming that will be hard for me to return from. I have so many sights I want to see while I'm there. I'm excited to see how Laura handle's the 14,264 foot peak of Mt. Evans, considering her athsma. I want to budget enough time to drive down through the San Luis Valley after dawn to watch the sun rise over the Sangre De Cristo Range. I want to hit up the Great Sand Dunes National Park while in the San Luis Valley, and add another park to my list……only now I'd be racking up parks with Laura as opposed to Sarah. Part of me wants to revisit parks I've been to before so that I can show Laura the parks for her first visit, and part of me wants to see new parks and continue to grow my National Parks experiences with the new love of my new life.

Even now, on a daily basis………actually on an hourly basis……. I close my eyes and see myself in the mountains. I can't imagine a different future for myself. I can't imagine a place more beautiful and pure. I can't imagine spending it with anyone other than Laura, and I can't imagine living out the rest of my days in Ohio. I just can't have it happen that way.

I listen to Paramore and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to Slipknot and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to Tori Amos and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to Flyleaf and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to 5 Finger Death Punch……….and after I get over how much I really don't like that band, I'm reminded of how often they were played on KBPI in Denver…..which reminds me of the Rockies (Damn you 5FDP).

I see myself driving down 285 by Aspen Park. I see myself in the King Soopers at Aspen Park when I'm grocery shopping in the Kroger in Marion Ohio. I look at Google Earth's 3D view of the mountains and retrace my old routes from the plains back up into the mountains.

I think it's safe to say that I'm obsessed. I prefer to say that I'm in love. I'm in love with a landscape that constantly made my heart sing by it's sheer beauty alone. The wildlife, the weather, the plants, the altitude…….it all became a part of me that I'll not be able to shake until I can return on a permanent basis.

I'll admit that I'm a little drunk while typing this, but all of this is true. I can't shake it. I'll return, there's no question. And when I do, I don't know how my soul will react. It'll be positive, but it could also be very emotional. I could buckle down and cry, who knows. But I do know that I want to return, and live there with Laura.

Laura's a key part of this. Would I move back if she weren't in my life? Sure. But would I be as excited? No. She fills my heart with the kind of passion that makes a place like that seem that much more important. I really want to share the entire planet with her. I want to spend the rest of my days with her. I can't imagine anyone else in the picture.

But this post isn't about Laura. It's about how I can still see myself on Richmond Hill Road, south of 285, seeing the mountains in the distance from a clearing as I face south, and feeling like I've stumbled into some magical place that simply can't be real. It's about coming up I-70 WB by the Buffalo Herd Overlook west of Denver and being in complete awe in every way every single time I came over that ridge, stunned by the view of the Continental Divide. It's about going home.