Fatherhood.

There is a lot I want to accomplish in this life.

I've gone over my 5 year plan on this blog several times. None of that has changed, but I'm feeling a lot more pressure to succeed now that I'm not the only one relying on that success. Now that I've got two beautiful soon-to-be-daughters to worry about, and a soon-to-be-wife whom I couldn't live without if I tried (I know from experience), the pressure is on.

The thing is that Laura and I are very open and honest with each other about how we feel. I keep getting into a deep concerned state of mind, and I'm worried that she'll think I'm getting cold feet. That couldn't be further from the truth, but I don't blame her for having that response. Of course I'm nervous about becoming a father, and about being able to provide. That part is really getting to me right now, and it will until this whole thing sinks in. It still doesn't feel real in some ways that she said yes, and that we'll be planning the rest of our lives together. It'll sink in soon enough and feel real, and at that time I'll realize inside that nothing has really changed. The commitment and desire to be there for her and the kids has been there for a few months now. All that's changed now is that I put a ring on her finger.

Oh man, mentioning the ring on her finger made me think about how beautiful she'll be on our wedding day. Here I go getting all girly, but I really can't wait for that day. I love her.

And it's that fact alone that makes me know that I'm not going to change my mind and back out. The concern I feel is merely the pressure of affirming that I'm accepting fatherhood for the first time in my life, and worrying about what that will involve. It's about worrying that I'll fail. It's about worrying that even if I don't fail, that it won't be enough.

I love her to death. I love my soon-to-be-daughters too. It's times like this I'm glad I can turn to this blog, because it helps me put things into perspective. This fear isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing. I've got to get through it and use it as a motivator. I've got a lot I have to achieve for Laura, Celest, Lotus, and myself.

…..

Wow. I just realized. I'm going to have a family. I knew it, but it was one of those revelations that just truly sunk in. It's like typing this very blog post has helped make it all very real for me, and I'm extremely happy now. Those girls will be my daughters, and that woman will be my wife. They will be my family.

Fear just turned into acceptance and love, at least in this moment. I'm writing my thoughts here unfiltered as they are happening, and I feel pretty amazing right now.

Even if I fail, I want to try. It's time to stop being a boy and become a man. I'm no longer the most important in the equation, and I welcome the challenges ahead of me.

But now I am strengthened. I know that I need to improve myself, and I've got a lot of work to do. It's time to get moving ahead in life.