I've had people tell me in the past that there was no reason I shouldn't be making $60,000 per year. I've been told I've got the skills needed to land a great job by people I would like to think were unbiased. I fear that the circumstances I was born into, coupled with the fact that I have had no idea where to look for such work, have led me to be what I am. Technically I'm unemployed, and I don't have much to my name. I'm skating by on unemployment, and trying to peruse an education so that I can better myself.
For whatever reason I've made my mind up that the life for me is as a self made man, being self employed and completely self reliant. This may be one of the attributes that others saw in me that caused them to believe I should be earning more than a deli workers salary, or that of a call center operator. But considering that most entrepreneurs are generally broke for the first two years of their entrepreneurial endeavor, it's not hard to see me not being on very solid financial ground at this exact moment.
And for a while, the hope and dream that I'd someday be able to live the easy life making enough money to live very comfortably was enough to pacify me. I had a goal, I set a date, and I've been working to make that happen.
But recently, the perceptions changed. I'm going to be a father, and although the children won't have a single strand of my DNA, they will be reliant on whatever income Laura and I can earn. Factor in that both of my daughters have autism, and you see that I've got a lot to provide for. This isn't about me, and this isn't about wanting to live life on a permanent vacation. This is now about Lotus and Celest, my teenage twin daughters who will need lifelong care. This is about ensuring that they are taken care of far beyond my own expiration date, which I hope will be a long time away.
This is about giving my daughters the best life I can give them, at all costs.
I'm about to ramp up my efforts to bring revenues in to the studio, but I know that may not be enough before the money I'm living off of runs dry. I'm going to have to consider that the last two months of living this way may have to come to an end very soon as I am faced with the prospect of needing to find another job.
Meanwhile, I'm hesitant to give in. Sure, finding a job wouldn't be a defeat. It would just be a temporary means to an end, and would help ensure that I could continue where I left off two months ago with getting myself out of debt and building a better net worth for myself and my family. But even if I find another job, and I thrive at that, who says that's a defeat? It may mean I'm not as available as I am right this moment to bring someone into the studio to put down tracks, but it won't mean I'm closing up shop. It may mean that I'll be able to keep a roof over my head while I focus more on the studio on the side, all he while establishing a foundation for a better life for my family.
I don't want to take this road just yet, but I've got to examine the very real possibility that I'll have to do this very soon.
So here I sit right now, doing homework. Accounting homework, when you're 31, is just as boring as it would've been to me at 18. Factor in the adult ADHD and Facebook, and it's tough to keep focused. After all, right now I'm blogging instead of studying, and I have a test tomorrow…..lol.
But something happened today that's strengthening my resolve to fight. I'm actually proud that I've been able to focus, and one thing is getting me through it. My family.
Laura sent me a video today of Celest asking to to go the Aquarium. We're planning to go to the Newport Aquarium tomorrow, and it'll be Celest's first visit there. She found out a few days ago that we were going, and has been begging to go ever since.
Laura today stated to me that this year would be my first ever fathers day as a father.
Here I sit, with an indescribable feeling of joy inside, thinking about my new family and how much I love them. I'm also thinking about how much I want for them, which pushes me back to working. And when I start to get distracted by my ADHD, I look at a picture of my daughters that I took a few weeks ago. It keeps me moving.
Right now, I'm fighting for my family. I have some tough decisions ahead that may be very necessary, but also worth it. After all, now I've got a family to think about.
So back to work I go. Time to fight for my family.
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