funk.

Hi Blog. How you been?

I like having a blog like you to turn to, it gives me an outlet to unload my problems and thoughts.

The past 24 hours has been quite well, thank you! Jovy came to the studio with F.R.O.E. Records to put down tracks for Jovy's first release, and earlier today I was recording country demo's for Darron Docie. Fun times.

But I'm not having fun right now. There are things that are looking well for me, but I find myself in a funk. I'm kinda stuck here actually, because I'm not very proud of myself.

I've let guilt sink in. I feel guilty because I am guilty, I've done some horrible things over the summer of 2011 that cut some deep emotional scars into the person I love. What can I say, no one's perfect……and yes, I now believe that I was clinically depressed during that period. I wasn't thinking clearly, and I regret some of the choices I made every day.

Do yourself a favor. Take a virgin forest in a pristine wilderness area. Now, on the count of 3, burn 1/3 of it down. The forest is still there, for the most part. And look, now you can see the damage you've caused. That's a good analogy of what I feel I've done. I've taken something beautiful and scarred it out of ignorance and self mindedness, and now that I realize how much I valued everything I scarred, it's already marred by my presence.

The amount of guilt that I have is immense, and I do feel in some weird way that I deserve to feel this way. I don't want to feel ok with what I've done.

It's enough to make me feel, for a fleeting moment, that none of what I have now is real. It makes me feel that I'm just sleeping in my bed in Conifer, and that I'll wake up any moment now. My life won't have fallen apart in 2011, and I won't have spray painted the trunk of the most beautiful tree in the forest.

It all makes me hate myself and hate where my life has gone over the past 19 months. This is only fleeting, and I realize that. My uber confidence will kick back in later tonight, and I'll be firing on all pistons again. But it's ok to feel these things, because these are human things. So right now, I'm allowing my guilt and escapism have it's moment.

I realize I'm obsessed to a certain point with where I used to live, and with how my life used to be. But who can blame me? Even if we both lied about our contentness with one another, I had a companion that I hadn't scarred. Even if we were only scraping by, I was living in the most majestically beautiful place that I've ever seen. Even though I'm now more aware of my financial state and of how to fix it, I was in oblivious bliss when I lived there.

In other words, even if they were only a facade or my own ignorance, things didn't seem so hard for me there. I long to escape back to a day when that is the case yet again, but I look ahead at my life and I see only more obstacles and struggles.

….and then I see the person that I can't picture living my life without……

…..and I see the scars I've caused……

it makes me wanna just run away from everything.

I realize that right now I'm just in a funk, and that later today I'll be back in the saddle trying to fight the good fight and continuing to reach for the proverbial bootstraps. But being human, I should allow myself to feel like a piece of gutter trash when that feeling comes through. It should have it's moments so I can work through them and move on. I don't have time for emotions to stay hidden and fester. I need to work them out now, and move on.

So thank you for listening Blog. You're always such a great listener.