Survival mode…..

I looked at my bank account this morning. Not much left in there after bills. I looked in my cabinets, not much left in there because I was going to go grocery shopping with my last check, but decided I'd better pay the bills since I had been let go. I look at my gas tank, not much in there because gasoline is so expensive and I spent the day 50 miles south in Columbus job hunting and visiting friends.

Panic is starting to creep in.

But what am I gonna do about it? I find myself in this situation, and only I can get myself out.

But that statement adds a level of fear to everything. Before Sarah left, I had a support structure financially. I took it for granted. I'm now paying the price for that.

I've got one last paycheck from my old day job coming in, and I've got some recording sessions coming up that have been booked, so I'm not at the end of my rope yet. But realizing how little I had currently and how little is coming in threw me into a panic.

I've got almost $70 in savings in an online bank account. That will be definitely coming out asap, but it's in an online account which means that I'll have to wait a week before I can see it.

I've got two clients at the studio with deficient balances that I'm trying to collect, but one of them was just laid off too, so it could take some time to collect, and the other one is still booking and still paying on the balance, so I can't really hound them for a payment that I know they are working on making.

How did I get here? Let's flash back to a year ago:



A year ago, I was making plans for a bright future in Ohio as I departed Colorado. I was stable, I had an ok job where I wasn't a temp, and I was doing well at it. I had studio clients that were rolling in, and I had great connections in the industry in Denver! I was going to come to Ohio and take over the local music scene with my studio, and things would be great. I was going to attend college to get a bachelors in business, and I had huge ambitions!

But then it all falls apart. We move to Ohio, and move to Marion of all places, thus stranding me an hour from my target studio market (Columbus) and from any jobs that want to may more than minimum wage. Sarah left me, increasing my financial burden and reducing the income in the house to just myself. My job's hours kept changing, putting a strain on my educational goals. And now having lost my job, I find myself in a sorry state as I look around and do damage control. I'm broke and unemployed an hour away from any good jobs with very little money coming in.

It's not a good place to be. I'm in a panic today. And so I turn to the world, here on my blog, to get it out. I have to allow myself to feel these feelings and give them a place to come out, or else they would just fester and come out in other ways.

It's hard to find the faith that I'll be ok in times like this. I feel that I'm at the bottom of the barrel today, and am trying to find the strength and conviction to make it through to the next dime coming into my possession. I don't wanna borrow money from anyone, I'm admittedly too proud (thanks Grandpa for making me as stubborn as you were..lol), but it may come to that point soon. I've got friends offering to help, but I won't take it unless I absolutely need to in order to survive.

I was talking to Bob Swanson a few days ago about all of this. He was talking about getting himself financially set up for retirement in 10 years, telling me that I should start planning that now when I'm 30 rather than when I'm his age, but then he acknowledged that at this second I'm likely in survival mode and just trying to stay afloat. I like how he put it, because it's a perfect depiction of where I am. Survival mode.

I don't wanna be in survival mode, but then again who really does? I realize that right now I've got to get my shit in order or else it's down with the ship. I don't wanna lose everything that I've worked for, although I suppose it could always be worse. But even though I always knew that I was one paycheck away from really tough times, it never sunk in that it was this bad.

But now I'm thinking that I've had enough of panic mode. I've definitely had enough of survival mode. I've had enough of life kicking me in the teeth this year. 2011 has been a catastrophe in many ways, but I'm finished with it. It's June, and I've got 6 months to turn my year around! I'm not going to sit idly by and let myself go down the drains! I'm going to get back up, dust myself off, and claw my way back out of this shit! The studio is about to go full strength. I'm going to be much more responsible financially. I'm going to survive this fall and I will thrive!

So now I'm in Scarlett O'Harra mode. I've hit the dirt, and now I'm ready to fight! "I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again!"