.....Clarity.....

It's been a rough night. Well, let me rephrase. Tonight was a great night, until I was on my way home and was deleting old voicemails from my phone. I then noticed that there was a cluster of voicemails from Sarah from back in February, which is the ill fated month when the bottom fell out of my sanity as she packed her bags and moved away. It was on February 5th, I was at work, it was snowing outside, and I knew that when I returned home everything would be different.

Listening to those voicemails highlited a few things for me. I'm still fucked up. I can't help it, there's nothing to be done other than to just let myself heal. A friend told me that some psychologist (i think) states that it takes one month for every year that you were in a relationship to fully get over it. In that case, I'm pretty fucked after 12 years! I want to be over all of this already! This is getting beyond rediculous and annoying. I was listening to those voicemails from back then (I can't believe it's been 4 months now! Seems like an eternity!), and I can tell there is still some healing to be done! I mean, we were together for nearly 12 years! It's logical to think that I'm going to need some time to deal with the feelings of abandonment that are associated with that, but part of me thinks that my solutions to that have been selfish and focused more on filling the loneliness rather than healing the wounds.

But now all of this begs a very important question. Am I ready emotionally to be getting involved with someone else? Well, it's too late in some ways, I've done it! But it's been a very confusing and conflicted experience in some ways. I may like a person, be completely thrilled about them when I'm around them, only to be confused about what I want out of the situation when they aren't around! Sadly, this cycle has repeated itself with more than one person. I don't know if I am able yet to truely be emotionally ready for someone the way I should be if I am in a relationship, and part of that I believe has to do with the fact that I may still be skiddish after being abandoned. Is it that I'm scared to let someone in? Is it that I'm not sure I want to be with just one person yet? I was exclusive to one single person for 12 years! It makes a certain level of sense that I'd wanna explore my options in some ways to figure out what I'm looking for in a new situation! Is it that I'm still healing the scars from the last relationship and those scars are affecting my ability to be where I feel I would need to be if I were to be in another relationship?

One thing's for sure about all of this confusion. THIS SUCKS! It causes me to have doubts about situations I'm in, and they aren't the fault of the person I'm with. I'm not sure how fair it is for me to string anyone along while I try to figure out what's in my head. What if they get emotionally invested and then I come to a realization that doesn't work in their favor? I don't wanna hurt anyone (Unfortunately, it's too late for that on one front). I'm not even sure I want some things to change! I just simply don't know! But one thing is certain. I feel like the pressure is on to get this shit figured out, as now other people's feelings are involved!

I'm tired of being so confused. I've been drinking a lot more lately, both socially and alone. I get tension headaches from time to time because of how hard I think on these issues. I just wish I had some clarity.