Yes We Can! Avoiding my own fiscal cliff...

Since part of my goals for 2013 included a better financial footing, I went over finances this morning with Laura. It turns out that if we had too, we'd be able to survive on one single income this year. With that in mind, there's no reason why we can't turn ourselves around by 2014 with two incomes! I'm pretty excited about this! This is an ace in the hole, and acknowledgement that we're on the right track.

Snapping....

I've been getting stressed out a lot lately. I think I need some serious Me time. I'm starting to feel like everything is compounding, and I need to walk away for a bit.

Its 9 degrees in Blacklick Estates today. The pipes in the kitchen are frozen, and although they haven't busted, they make it a huge hassle to wash the dishes. The dishwasher feeds off of that line, so it's handwashing time. But since the pipes are both frozen, we have to bring water in from the bathtub to do anything. This is a Major hassle, and even though Sylvia is doing them today, just knowing that it's fucked up is enough to cause me to want to scream. We've been trying to thaw them for a day now, and no luck.

Also, the door to the basement is coming off of its hinges.

I have no money, and couldn't really afford groceries for the house last night, but if I have to rent at the business late in order to keep my kids fed, then so be it. The paperwork for my new job, that I've been working at for 3+ weeks now, just came in for me to submit in order to get paid. I may not get my first check til Feb 1st, and other revenue streams are completely dry. Right now, with the holidays having just passed, no one's beating down the door to the studio, so I'm not pulling in anything right now at all.

There would be some hope in knowing that my overage check would be here soon, as school starts on the 14th of January. They would have to have the check to me in time for me to buy my books....BUT, Columbus State's new policy fucks me on that one. They keep the money at the book store for the first two weeks, then disburse it to you after you've bought the books. They did this to fight people using school as a way to pay the bills, then not going to class. Ok, I'm falling in the "I need the school money to pay the bills" situation right now, and I understand where they are coming from, but this is REALLY fucking me right now.

My dad said he'd send me some money early for my Birthday, which is the 23rd, but it's probably not gonna be enough to cover things.

I'm on edge constantly, and I just feel like it's all against me. If I can get on top of it, I'll be ok. But it'll take me at least a month to get there. During that month, my resources will run completely dry, and I'll have to figure something out. I'm considering selling plasma again, which I haven't done since last time I was in College. I'm also looking for anything I can sell at the local pawn shop to keep something coming in.

I'm about ready to snap. Photography isn't helping me. Time alone isn't helping me. I think I need to just spend a day at the studio working on my own projects and de-stress. I'm gonna try that today, as I'm gonna work on The Metal Shop today as well as Project DIVIDE. I may even work on some of my solo music.

I just need a day away.

January 2nd, 2013. Setting Goals, and Resetting Phase 1.

On August 29th, 2011, I posted "5 Year Plan: Phase 1 - Stability And Forward Motion."

Since then, my life has changed in so many ways, but now I find myself needing to get back on track with my 5 year goal. I've got just under 4 years left to achieve it. I'm broke as a joke, and even though some things in my life are far more stable, my biggest struggles right now are financial. It's time to get back on track and restart from Phase 1. So let's retune it for my life now.

Stability.

Ok, well at the time that I wrote the original Phase 1 post, my life was very unstable. I was on the verge of homelessness, and was clawing out of that situation tooth and nail. My living situation is far more stable now, and I'm not relying on my income alone to keep myself bathed and fed. But the problem is that I'm not contributing, and am not furthering my family's financial future in the state I'm in now. It's time to fight again for some financial stability.

I've already got things in place, including school, a 30 hour per week day job, and new revenue streams in development. My student loans will pay my tuition, which will help me gain an education. But they will also give me a decent overage to park in the bank for emergencies, or to pay down debts. Sure, this money is a liability since it'll be a debt that needs repaying later, but it'll be at a far lower interest rate than I'm currently paying on my debts. So it's a smart move to displace a higher interest liability with a lower interest one. These include my car, and a couple of credit cards. I had paid all but one credit card off last year, but my income lost it's stability just after that and I wound up maxing out the one I had paid off and never touching the one I didn't pay off. Now they are both closed accounts, and I've made an arrangement to pay down one of them. The other is in collections. Getting rid of these soul sucking liabilities once and for all is a major goal for this new year.

My car is another. I still owe money on it, even though I shouldn't, but I made poor choices about financing it in order to appease a previous relationship, and am paying the price now. One those credit cards are gone once and for all, it's time to snowball that car loan and get it out of the picture once and for all. My goal is to have the car and all credit cards paid off by years end. Once that is done, I can establish a savings again. Also, 2014 can be focused on cleaning up the nasty trail of unpaid debts I left around the country through my 20's.

I turn 32 in a few weeks. I pledged at 30 that I would be in better shape at 35. I'm running out of time.

Notice that I don't mention my family's needs. Well, I want to get married to Laura asap. The problem is that we've pledged not to get married until we're on better financial ground. This doesn't mean that we'll wait till I've built up a large savings or anything ridiculous like that. Rather it means that we need to be able to pay our bills together. There are certain details that I won't go into, but know that the above steps of eliminating liabilities is a key factor in that financial stability.

Right now, as stated in a pervious blog post, I'm in a tough spot financially. The next few weeks will be likely a 3x-day Ramen diet for me. Not fun, but I will do what I have to do. But in February, things will look a lot more stable. I just have to weather this month and then I can focus on digging out of this hole.

Phase 1 is officially back in action.

Dear Autism...

Thank you for helping me learn patience. Thank you for helping me learn to control my anger. Thank you for helping me learn that it's ok to depend on someone else, and for someone else to depend on you.

That being said...FUCK you.

Fuck you for making things difficult.
Fuck you for robbing my children of a chance at self reliance.
Fuck you for making every day tasks a struggle.
Fuck you for making every day a struggle.
Fuck you for all the sleepless nights.
Fuck you for all the meltdowns.
Fuck you for robbing my daughter of the ability to speak.
Fuck you for robbing both of my daughters.
Fuck you for all the stress.
Fuck you for making it 5 times more difficult just to get ahead in life.

Fuck you Autism.

2013

Happy New Year!

Now that that's out of the way…

I'm actually feeling pretty good. I dunno what it is about the changing of a date from one day to another that can fill a person with hope for the new year that lies ahead, but it's likely the feeling of a fresh start that occurs when a new year rolls over on the calendar. So what am I up to this year?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

January is gonna be fiscally tight. There's no way around it, I'm in a tight spot. But no worries, I've got a lot of promise ahead in the very near future. I just have to get over the next few weeks financially.

With that being said, I'm back in school. I start classes in 2 weeks. I'm on academic probation, but it's time to turn that around too. In person classes, a degree change, 6 months away from school to re-stabilize my life…all things that were needed to renew my thirst for an education.

I've also officially launched CLMastering.com as of a few days ago. I've been lighting up twitter building a buzz, and although I've not sold any masters yet, it's good to know that it's now officially available for the public to use. Now to just keep up the marketing…

I've helped Laura start up her own fitness blog too, and now she's blogging and tweeting, and is making it her own! I'm so glad to have helped her get it off the ground!

2013 sees my daughters turn 15, and I'm so excited to see the beautiful young women they are becoming.

2013 is a blank slate and is full of promise. It's time to take that promise by the reigns and make something of it.

Happy New Year.

Boiling Point

Money makes the world go round, but it also is a great divider. It also can show a person's true character and willingness to understand your plight, and it can be a major point of contention and stress.

That's what I learned tenfold in recent weeks.

With studio revenues down to the point where I wasn't even breaking even, and other income sources running dry, I found myself faced with a lot of stress and anxiety. I found myself forced to make a decision. I blogged about that decision, which was to find a day job. I'm now working as a Medicare PDP provider for a teen who has autism, and it will pay almost the same as the job I left in February 2012.

I also re-signed up for classes. I don't want to live on student loans, but I can't lie and say that there isn't a financial reason I'm in school right now. Realizing it's debt that will have to be paid back later, I'm willing to take that in order to get a cushion that will help me stay afloat now. It's a gamble, and I don't like to gamble, but while I'm gambling I'm also gaining an education. I'm investing in myself. The major factor in this isn't money, but it is a vip in this game.

Bottom line is this. I've been broke my whole life. I tried to turn it around a year ago, and was on the path to doing just that. I had a savings, and was paying down credit cards. But 2012 has been a financial disaster for me. Unfortunately some didn't want to see that, and partnerships broke up because I couldn't be in a relationship where my time wasn't respected and I was expected to constantly work for the promise of "maybe we'll make a lot of money down the road"…when my kids are needing food now, getting paid down the road isn't a bet I'm willing to wager anymore. Writing was on the wall, it was clear that priorities were no longer aligned. Tensions were rising. I'm getting out.

Meanwhile, even though 2012 seemed to have a lot of promise as the summer came around and the new studio location opened, it became clear very soon that I didn't have enough clients to sustain it and I've been struggling just to pay the rent for a few months now. Business is business, and I'm working on turning it around, but when I can't contribute any of my income to pay the bills at home and feed the kids because I'm trying to keep this business afloat, it's clear that something has to change NOW.

Business is risk. I choose to take risks because I can see the potential payout later. However, I'm only willing to take calculated risks with low overhead and high return on investment. Sure, that's smart, but never a sure thing. Meanwhile, every business venture I've attempted this year has taken me down the road to the poor house while demanding tons of time away from my family and forcing me to stress to no end about how I'm going to pay for it all.

So I devised a business that would be completely online and have a very low overhead with a high profit margin. This business would have my daughters initials in the name, to remind me of what I was fighting for, and would be in place as a way to ensure their future in uncertain financial times. I'm still developing this business, and even though I don't know how to make it what I want it to be just yet, I know how to make it work and bring it to market. That's one thing I've fought with all year. I can't fine tune and tweak endlessly without bringing the product to market, because I can't afford to put that much time into that. However, when it was brought up that I was putting my time into this new venture, that was evidently the straw that broke the camel's back for the partnership I referenced above.

So here we are. I'm broke. In in that long period where I'm waiting way too long for my first paycheck from the new day job, which will be very small, while watching my available capitol dry up around me days before major bills are due (rent, ect). I'm also having services shut off.

Enough.

This cycle has to end.

So what can I do differently? Not really much right now, other than keep plugging and trying to get this new business operational before classes start in a few weeks. That's my window. I have to get this new site up and running by then, or the amount of time I'll have to focus on web development will be a lot more constricted. The business is designed to be easy to run with minimal effort, which would work out well for a guy like me (running a studio while working a 30 hour-week day job and taking 12 credit hours of classes and raising two teens who have autism…). Essentially I focus on marketing, do some minor file maintenance and billing, and then collect money. With a social media model rather than an advertising model, the advertising budget is minimal. This leads to high profit margins, and an overhead that is so low you can't limbo under it. I can run this business from anywhere that I have an internet connection, so I can take it with me on vacation as long as I have my iPhone.

But the business isn't live. So I'm caught in another struggle of putting time into something that hasn't paid me a dime yet. The difference this time is, no one is here to argue that it can't go live until it reaches a certain arbitrary point, and no one is here to set that arbitrary point so high that it's impossible to sustain with no returns on the investment. I'm in this alone, with guidance from others, but the decisions are ultimately mine. I'm in charge of my own destiny here, and no one can dip their fingers in the bowl and fowl up the original vision. So this one makes me happy to put time into, because I can see this one having a potentially high return with unlimited growth!

Besides, I'm doing this one for my daughters. They'll need lifelong care (thanks autism), and I can't provide that on promises and unemployment. They are my number one priority in life now, and every move I make is to give them a better life.

But even at home there is frustration. While in training to be a PDP provider, they tell all new providers to ensure that we have adequate down time. It can be very frustrating to assist someone with special needs, and you can't take that out on them, but if you don't give yourself down time from it to relax and recover, you'll get burnt out quick.

I've been on my job for a week now in the home, and then coming home all week to my daughters. Where is my downtime? Just as I try to find some, a money issue or a weather issue throws a wrench in my plans and I have to postpone my recovery yet again. Then there are people who are constantly hounding me about things, or changing their plans, and further complicating my life. Yeah, I signed up for it, but that doesn't mean it won't have it's consequences on my health. I'm tense today, and can't pull out of it. I'm not making enough money, my daughters are acting up and becoming defiant little teenage firecrackers (atta-girls!), my new day job has had a lot of unpredictability in it's schedule thanks to the holiday break and illness in the family, people are getting pissed at me left and right and acting like I'm letting them down (while failing to see just how hard I'm fighting)…

I've reached a boiling point. I've also reached a new level of thinking. My first priority is, and always will be, to ensure the future of my children. Second will be to ensure the longevity of my future marriage to Laura. My own needs and wants will come third, but before business I have to ensure my own sanity. Running a business can make you insane, and raising children who have autism doesn't exactly relieve stress. With as much as I've been forced to pack on to keep it together (whatever the FUCK that means), I can't be an efficient business man if I'm not taking care of myself. So my needs as a person come third.

Part of those needs include my own future. Owning a business isn't a guarantee of success, and while others got mad when I'd point out the unlikely odds against us, I choose to live in the real world and understand that just because I make it doesn't mean they'll come. So if all of those business endeavors fall through, I've got my education to help me find new opportunities to survive and thrive.

Part of those needs also include downtime. I find solace in photography, and in downtime with Laura. Those things I'll always have to make time for. So…

1. Kids.
2. Laura.
3. School / Personal Downtime.

4. Everything and everyone else. No exceptions. Period.

On The Cusp:

I pledged a few weeks ago that I never wanted to see Laura upset about bills again. I pledged that I would find a way to turn our financial situation around asap. Later that night, I was blessed with two finds on Craigslist that turned things around.

Ad #1: Seeking video editor.

I leave a message outlining my video editing skills. The next day, I receive a call from a business who needed a video edited together. It took about 18 hours over almost 2 weeks, but I got the project done by his dead line and he was very satisfied. The next day, he was calling me with another project, and the day after that with a referral for the studio! This guy has been a steady client with a quick turnaround on new projects, and it's because he's in business himself and needs it done asap. So this has meant a quick turnaround on payment. I couldn't be happier, and am keeping my eyes peeled for more clients like him.

Ad #2: Seeking Medicare PDP provider.

It's no secret that my daughters-to-be have autism. This gave me just what I needed for this ad, because this was for a family looking for a PDP provider for their autistic children. Knowing the potential for a steady income this could provide, I quickly emailed a response and outlined my own experiences with autism. The next day, I had received an email from the home asking me to come in for an interview. I did, and we had a nice long 2 hour conversation. She hired me on the spot, and now I'm making a nice part time income.

These came along at the perfect time. Stress about money was reaching critical mass, and it's become clear that my focus needs to be spent on being a provider asap. It was time to take a long hard look at what I'd been doing and evaluate it's importance. I prioritized a few things, and de-prioritized a few. I got off my ass and got back in school after taking 6 months off to get my life stable again. I'm signed up for full time classes in January. I built a new web site for the studio to help it attain a more professional look, and pulled the trigger on the new rates I'd decided to implement after much debate.

And now, here I sit, on the edge of the bed as Laura sleeps behind me, thinking about how great it feels to not only have worked, but to have been paid for it, and to know that the money is going to help get our finances back in order once and for all. I worked 14 hours today, it seems like it spanned 2 days, but I love the feeling of getting something done and being rewarded for it.

Laura and I have been talking recently about ways to get ourselves out of the hole and build a better life for us and our daughters. Part of this involves financial security, but I won't go into that too in depth because that's partially about her, and she's more private about those sorts of things. But we've pledged to wait till we get our finances back in order to get married, and I don't wanna wait anymore. There's nothing more important to me than this family, and I can't wait to be a part of it legally.