Brandon's Thoughts On........: Trying to understand Columbine, 9 years later.

This year, on April 20th, marked the 9th anniversary of the Columbine H.S. shootings. I was a senior at Minford H.S. in southern Ohio at the time it happened. I remember watching it on the news, and being fascinated by it as much of the country was that day. I, like many, was eager to learn a lot about the tragedy, and would read article after article about the events that took place. I even based a song called "Lifeless Life" around similar events (though by my current songwriting standards that song is total crap....but back to the point). In my own way, it was an effort for me to understand what had happened.

9 years later, I still don't.

This year, I was fortunate enough to be at the Columbine High School Memorial on the 9th anniversary of the shootings. I was eager to be there as this had been such a big deal to me when it happened. True, I didn't know anyone that was lost, nor did I know anyone who knew anyone, so I was very far removed in that respoect. But this tragedy affected everyone in it's own way.

Being the guy who was very much picked on in middle school after making the transition from private christian schools to plain-old-public school in 6th grade, I was a bit of an outsider. I got in a lot of fights, only one of which I started, and everyone made fun of me. To make matters worse, I didn't know how to roll with the punches. My sheltered upbringing to that point had kept me from being able to deal with that social situation, and I was being thrust right into the lions den. By 7th grade, it started subsiding, and by 8th grade I had some solid friends, but I went through total and complete hell in 6th grade.

On that level, I could identify with how the people who did the killings must've felt. After all, I'd been there in a way. Sure, I never had glass bottles thrown at my head, and I didn't go to a school with more than a thousand students in my own class, but I still dealt with the same issues for a time.

But I got over it. That's where we differ.

After reading about the tragedy as much as I did, I thought that I had an understanding of what had transpired. There was an understanding in the media that this was a small town in Colorado where there's nothing to do, and therefore all that people had to do was form alliances and lash out at those weaker than them. First thing I want to point out about that perception is that, after being there this past weekend, you can see the Denver Skyline in the distance as you approach the school! This was no mere small town in Colorado, but rather a small suburb inside of The Greater Denver Area's southern freeway system! Furthermore, Denver has some kick ass mass transit, and even if you live in the mountains 30 minutes from Denver, you can still catch a bus and get into town! This town was well within reach of the entire Denver area via the many bike trails, mass transit systems (they have busses and above-ground rails too), and of course cars! This town has the Rockies within clear close view to the west, and all the great things that the largest city in the state can provide at it's fingertips. So I don't buy into the story that there was nothing to do in this small isolated town! I actually went to school in a small isolated town, and this is far from it! Look up Minford Ohio if you get a chance on Google Maps, and you'll see how small and isolated it actually is! Compare that to the proximity of Littleton to Denver, and you'll see that this was no small isolated town. These kids had plenty available to them, things which I did not. If I missed my bus home, I was walking for 6 miles because there was no mass transit system there!

Here's a map showing the 13.7 mile distance from the High School to downtown Denver!

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Here's a map showing just how distant from civilization my high school is!

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Furthermore, the thing that baffles me the most is that these kids were seniors in high school! This happened in April, just about a month or so from Graduation! What, you can put up with taking shit for 4 years, but you can't ride it out for one more month?! I mean, I can understand if the social situation made it unbearable for them. I can understand if they decided that life was just not worth it and decided to check out early (though I don't condone that). What I don't understand is the "I'm taking all of you down with me" mentality! This is what made all of this so much more senseless to me! They couldn't ride it out for a month longer?! After all, they'd never have to see any of those people ever again, and they'd have been able to live their lives and possibly be happy in less than 45 days! That has always bothered me! Aside from the senseless killing, the fact that they did this so close to the end of their days in High School just blows my mind. I can't wrap my head around it!

In making attempts to understand this tragedy in light of this new information I realized from being there, I understand it even less. The only thing I can think is that these kids had some serious mental health issues that were only made worse by the school's social climate. After all, the social climate alone is not enough to have pushed these kids over the edge and made them do what they did. I went through it, and I didn't bomb and shoot up Minford (though in the year before Columbine my former bandmate Josh Murphy made jokes about doing exactly what these kids did, including suicide at the end of the events....kinda eerie). My point is that the only justification I have for these kids thinking this was the right thing to do was that they were insane. The funny thing is that this has been my justification all along!

The memorial is very moving. I wasn't moved to tears, but I was moved. After losing several people in my life, it's hard to move me to tears unless something affects me on that level. Others around me were moved to tears. There were plaques on the walls with quotes from survivors, from important people like Bill Clinton, from school officials, all giving insight to the events from a vantage point of having been through it and come out on the other side. In the middle were memorial stones that you could walk around and read, each one written by the family of the victims about the victim, each one talking about how great of a person they were and how much they will be loved and missed. On the one for the teacher who was killed, there was a kids drawing taped to it with a message that read "we miss you grandpa". The mood was quiet, people were talking amongst themselves in a very low-toned and respectful fashion. There was a feeling in the air of love, acceptance, and comfort. There was a woman showing her family where she hid during the events of the day, there were people who would park themselves in front of one particular memorial stone and just stare (suggesting they knew the person who was lost), there was a quiet calm amongst the whole scene. I'm very glad that I was able to see the memorial this year, and I'm very glad that I've not had to experience anything quite like Littleton Colorado did 9 years ago. This tragedy affected some more than others, but it truely affected everyone.

There was not even an acknowledgement of the two killers anywhere on the memorial, a sign that the community wanted purely to honor the memories of the slain, not the suicidal slayers.

Columbine High School appears to be in the same place it was during the tragedy. There was nothing posted on the school's web site about a memorial service, or even a link to the memorial site's information. When we apprached the school, we noticed the only thing acknowledging the events of 9 years earlier was a message written on the school's sign out in front. I can't remember it's exact words, but the message was clear. It's a time of rememberance. It appears that the school doesn't want to dwell on it's historic past, but doesn't want to completely ignore the events either. This is understandable, as they have current students and faculty to be concerned with. The memorial itself is located in the park behind the school. As you look at the school from the memorial, you can see the windows that students were pulled from by police and SWAT. Seeing it on TV is one thing, but seeing the actual windows in person is a whole different experience. Looking around on that very sunny cloud-less day, it's hard to imagine that such atrocities could happen there. Of course, it's hard to imagine it happening anywhere.

To those who were killed that day, I hope you have found peace. To those who were personally affected by the tragedy, I hope you are finding peace. To those who, like me, were affected from a distance, I hope you find an understanding that this was a unique series of events, but that people should cherish the moments they have with one another because you never know what the future holds.

Below are photo's I took on April 20th at the Columbine Memorial.

Columbine H.S. Memorial, taken 4/20/08 on the 9th anniversary of the shootings