I swear, people in general piss me off. The things that people think are ok to say in today's society just make me wanna scream. I grew up around arrogant racists, and sadly I admit that for a while as a young child I never knew that saying the N word was wrong! But I came around, I grew up, and I try to lead by example. But some people really test my patience!
I recenlty had to defend the Jewish faith against a horrible stereotype that they are all penny pinchers and really stingy. This was in an environment where someone should know better than to talk like that (that's all I'm going to say about that), and I looked at the offender and said "I really don't appreciate that comment". I was asked "Why, are you Jewish?", to which I replied "No, I'm not, I just don't appreciate that comment!" Then I proceeded to ignore the offender. What I really wanted to do was scream at them. I'm really pissed off right now, and can't stand to be around narrowminded people. What kind of logic does it take to think that someone has to BE gay to be offended by slander against homosexuals, or that one must BE Jewish to be offended by slander against Jews?
I suppose all that I can do when confronted by such bigotry is to call them on their bullshit and not back down. Sadly I know that racism will always be something we have to deal with in society, but I hope to do my best to show that it will not be tolerated by me.
And to the offender.......fuck you.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Coming to a town near you?
A friend called it wanderlust, and I wouldn't disagree. But I think I'm growing on an idea that would incorporate my love for music with my love for traveling and my desire to do something different with my life than I've done before. I recently stepped on stage for the first time since 2006, and since then I'm toying with the idea of doing regular performances as a solo acoustic performer.
The idea spurred somewhat from Aaron Snyder, who is a solo artist as well as the guitarist for local rock band Sever. I saw him plaing a solo acoustic set at The VIP in Hilliard, and he was taking donations for copies of his demo. All of them sold, and I know that I donated some cash to get one, so I thought to myself the next day that it might be a great idea to do a tour and adopt that concept! I go out with my acoustic guitar and hit the road. I play anywhere that'll have me, and try to sell demos for enough gas and food money to make it to the next town! I sleep in my car, or pop a tent at a campground, and keep going until I can't go anymore!
Naturally, there would be limits to this. I'd have to eventually restock my supply of CD demos to sell, and I have to be able to make my car payment and pay my bills. So this would have to be something that I tested in incriments. Being able to make a living doing that is sort of a pipe dream. But it might be fun to be a weekend warrior of sorts! I could spend one weekend a month playing shows in Columbus in the evenings while running recording sessions during the day. Then I could spend another weekend of the month playing shows elsewhere and car camping! If the car camping tour picks up to where it could be a sustainable way to earn a living, then it would be cool to be able to say I'd done that for a while in my life. But I doubt that I'd be satisfied just living on the road all the time.
Anyway, The short and sweet of it is that I'm excited about the idea and hope I get to try it soon. We'll see what this summer holds! I might be coming to a town near you!
The idea spurred somewhat from Aaron Snyder, who is a solo artist as well as the guitarist for local rock band Sever. I saw him plaing a solo acoustic set at The VIP in Hilliard, and he was taking donations for copies of his demo. All of them sold, and I know that I donated some cash to get one, so I thought to myself the next day that it might be a great idea to do a tour and adopt that concept! I go out with my acoustic guitar and hit the road. I play anywhere that'll have me, and try to sell demos for enough gas and food money to make it to the next town! I sleep in my car, or pop a tent at a campground, and keep going until I can't go anymore!
Naturally, there would be limits to this. I'd have to eventually restock my supply of CD demos to sell, and I have to be able to make my car payment and pay my bills. So this would have to be something that I tested in incriments. Being able to make a living doing that is sort of a pipe dream. But it might be fun to be a weekend warrior of sorts! I could spend one weekend a month playing shows in Columbus in the evenings while running recording sessions during the day. Then I could spend another weekend of the month playing shows elsewhere and car camping! If the car camping tour picks up to where it could be a sustainable way to earn a living, then it would be cool to be able to say I'd done that for a while in my life. But I doubt that I'd be satisfied just living on the road all the time.
Anyway, The short and sweet of it is that I'm excited about the idea and hope I get to try it soon. We'll see what this summer holds! I might be coming to a town near you!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
On The Road Again.....
I miss the road. Something in me is yearning to see miles of open highway in front of me. That's one thing I lost when Sarah left.....the ability to travel. It's not that I can't get in my car and just drive somewhere, but realistically it's much easier to do when there are two incomes in the house. Now in the aftermath of the pseudo-divorce, I'm having to learn how to do everything on my own for the first time. Budgeting out a vacation hasn't been that easy, and it's been difficult to find people who want to share the bill. I won't even mention the economic impact of taking a week off of work when you're the only income in the house....
Sarah and I would travel often. It became an important activity for us, and I grew to love the open road. Some people shudder at the thought of a 22 hour car drive from Denver to Columbus, but I look at it as one of the purest forms of freedom. I'd rather not fly, because then you miss everything inbetween (and I HATE flying). I'd rather not take a train, or ride a bus, because then you don't have the freedom to see everything on your route at your own pace! You can't stop and take pictures of that awesome view you just passed if you're on a train or a greyhoud!
I'd been imagining a road trip to Denver over the week of July 4th. This date is important because the 4th was our anniversary. I don't imagine myself sitting around moping on that date, I think I'm past that. But I want to make new memories for that date. I figured what better way than to take my first road trip after the pseudo-divorce? But unfortunatly, it's proven to be a difficult task to budget out the money to pay for a trip accross the country on my current income. Having to take over all of the household expenses on my own after having the household income slashed in half means that things are still tight while I put my life back together. So I'm doubting that, without a miracle, I'll be able to make it to Denver. That sucks, because I miss the Rockies like crazy. But in a way, the Rockies might have been overshooting things just a touch. I mean, my first road trip on my own with a reduced income, and I'm shooting for a 1,400 mile trip down I-70 in one direction? Maybe this means that I should shoot for something a little closer to home, and a little easier to afford. Chicago? New Orleans? The Outer Banks? New York City (finally!!!!)?
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and I've determined recently that I need to be able to stretch my legs regularly and go see the country, if not the world. Traveling may have been something Sarah and I shared, but it is something that I will continue in my new life. I have to! I pledged that after 12 years of homogeny I would not allow myself to be limited and I would always be exploring new possibilities and opportunities! This must include the ability to see the world! There's so much of it to see, and I yearn to see it! I find myself looking frequently at photos I've posted on facebook of trips Sarah and I had taken, and not only do I miss the places we've been, but I miss the thrill and adventure of going somewhere new! Maybe my first road trip should be somewhere I've never been?! Who knows!
I will be honest about a place that I long to see again with all of my soul. The San Luis Valley in Colorado houses some small quaint towns, including Mosca, and also features a National Park. The Great Sand Dunes National Park, which I have seen in the distance from the road in the valley, seems like a really cool place that I have to see up close and in person! I feel a sense of peace in the San Luis valley, and I know that I HAVE to return. I hope my travels take me there again soon.
Fingers crossed that I can include some of my travel adventures in this blog. I don't want it to only be about my new self discovery, I want it to be more than that. In the mean time, thanks for reading.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Time...
In time, I'll be able to move forward. In time, I'll be able to take charge of my life, and seize each day. In time, I'll be able to make sense of all of this mess, and know that I'm proceeding with a clear head. In time, I'll know how to be what I can be for someone without dragging them through my own personal muck.
In time, I'll be ok.
But in the meantime......
In time, I'll be ok.
But in the meantime......
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I like my quiet time alone.....
I like my quiet time alone, but it's these lonely nights I dread.
That's the chorus to the song "Hiding" from my old band Day Nine (http://myspace.com/day9). I wrote it after a death in the family, and I was having to come to grips with that death.
I feel that right now very strongly considering all that I'm still dealing with after this separation between Sarah and I.
I left the laundromat, it was growing dark and had almost reached total night, but the sky still clung to some dark blue hints of light. The window in the car was down, and I could feel the springtime humidity of Ohio on my skin. Linger from The Cranberries came on the radio. This deadly combination sent a wave of memories roaring back. Spring time in Ohio is one of my favorites, but not only is this my first spring in 3 years (Colorado technically has spring, but at 9,000 feet you can't really compare it to Ohio), it's also my first spring being single in 12 years. I had an urge to sit outside and just enjoy the weather, and I was happy about that until I realized that I would be doing that alone.....which sent me into a downward spiral.
I'm ok now, but this is just further evidence of how I'm still trying to come to terms with things. I feel that this blog can be a public record of my struggle, and if it helps someone else going through the same thing to realize that they aren't alone in these feelings, then I'm happy. But my goal here isn't to help people, it's to heal myself.
So here I sit wishing yet again that I didn't have to spend every evening all alone. But this space doesn't have to be occupied by a lover, it could be a friend. I just have no one to be with in this town. When all of your friends are 50 miles away, who can you talk to?
Other than facebook, I only have this blog.
That's the chorus to the song "Hiding" from my old band Day Nine (http://myspace.com/day9). I wrote it after a death in the family, and I was having to come to grips with that death.
I feel that right now very strongly considering all that I'm still dealing with after this separation between Sarah and I.
I left the laundromat, it was growing dark and had almost reached total night, but the sky still clung to some dark blue hints of light. The window in the car was down, and I could feel the springtime humidity of Ohio on my skin. Linger from The Cranberries came on the radio. This deadly combination sent a wave of memories roaring back. Spring time in Ohio is one of my favorites, but not only is this my first spring in 3 years (Colorado technically has spring, but at 9,000 feet you can't really compare it to Ohio), it's also my first spring being single in 12 years. I had an urge to sit outside and just enjoy the weather, and I was happy about that until I realized that I would be doing that alone.....which sent me into a downward spiral.
I'm ok now, but this is just further evidence of how I'm still trying to come to terms with things. I feel that this blog can be a public record of my struggle, and if it helps someone else going through the same thing to realize that they aren't alone in these feelings, then I'm happy. But my goal here isn't to help people, it's to heal myself.
So here I sit wishing yet again that I didn't have to spend every evening all alone. But this space doesn't have to be occupied by a lover, it could be a friend. I just have no one to be with in this town. When all of your friends are 50 miles away, who can you talk to?
Other than facebook, I only have this blog.
So evidently.....
Did you ever just feel like you should write something? Did you ever just feel like you should find a way to be productive with the downtime you've been given, that otherwise would just be used up staring? Did you ever get aggrivated at having to do tasks that allowed for minimum productivity, but they simply had to be done?
I'm at the laundromat.
I had laundry machines back in February, but alas those were taken in my pseudo-divorce. They went with her, along with the bed, the dog, and most of the furniture.
Not that I'm writing to bitch about how I have nothing (even though I'm 30 and living in an empty house with very little other than the bare necessities and my studio equipment). That might be a later post for sure, but for now I'm bitching at how limited my productivity can be when I'm doing laundry a mile from home. It's frustrating. I used to be able to put my laundry in a machine in my basement and not worry about having to sit there until it was done. That would allow me to go do other things with my time. But right now, even though I have mixing projects to finish, I have to be sitting in this laundromat because in this po-dunk town of Marion the laundromats close at 9. So here I am last minute, wishing I was home finishing mixes for clients, writing this blog on my iPhone and listening to White Zombie.
I guess in a good way it gives me time to focus toward this blog. I mean, when else would I have focused time into it? In a way I was waiting til I had something to say, and I didn't have something to say til I got here. So for you, the blog readers (.....is anyone out there.....), this downtime is a fortunate occurance for you. You get one more glimpse into my life.
So let's talk about things. I've had some emotional moments stemming from the pseudo divorce over the last few days. I'm still fucked up evidently, and I need to work that shit out. No one else needs to be undertaken by my baggage. In a way it's good that I realize this now before I bury those issues deep and they manifest themselves in some explosive fucked up manner that embarrasses me or alientates everyone I know. This is a healing process, I don't need to rush things. I have all the time in the world.
So I've got some decisions about how I'm ready to proceed in certain areas to make. I don't wanna come out the bad guy, and in order for me to do that I fear that I have to make a tough choice. It's sad, but necessary.
I suppose we'll see how things go.
I'm at the laundromat.
I had laundry machines back in February, but alas those were taken in my pseudo-divorce. They went with her, along with the bed, the dog, and most of the furniture.
Not that I'm writing to bitch about how I have nothing (even though I'm 30 and living in an empty house with very little other than the bare necessities and my studio equipment). That might be a later post for sure, but for now I'm bitching at how limited my productivity can be when I'm doing laundry a mile from home. It's frustrating. I used to be able to put my laundry in a machine in my basement and not worry about having to sit there until it was done. That would allow me to go do other things with my time. But right now, even though I have mixing projects to finish, I have to be sitting in this laundromat because in this po-dunk town of Marion the laundromats close at 9. So here I am last minute, wishing I was home finishing mixes for clients, writing this blog on my iPhone and listening to White Zombie.
I guess in a good way it gives me time to focus toward this blog. I mean, when else would I have focused time into it? In a way I was waiting til I had something to say, and I didn't have something to say til I got here. So for you, the blog readers (.....is anyone out there.....), this downtime is a fortunate occurance for you. You get one more glimpse into my life.
So let's talk about things. I've had some emotional moments stemming from the pseudo divorce over the last few days. I'm still fucked up evidently, and I need to work that shit out. No one else needs to be undertaken by my baggage. In a way it's good that I realize this now before I bury those issues deep and they manifest themselves in some explosive fucked up manner that embarrasses me or alientates everyone I know. This is a healing process, I don't need to rush things. I have all the time in the world.
So I've got some decisions about how I'm ready to proceed in certain areas to make. I don't wanna come out the bad guy, and in order for me to do that I fear that I have to make a tough choice. It's sad, but necessary.
I suppose we'll see how things go.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Companionship.
It's been a few years since I've dusted off the old blog. Let's see how this thing works.
So this post is about companionship. It's something I've had in spades for 12 years. It's something that now seems to be hard to attain, for obvious reasons. That's what happens when a 12 year marriage crumbles, and you're trying to pick up the pieces. Ok, so Sarah and I were never officially married, but when you spend nearly every day with someone for 12 years, I don't give a damn if we signed a piece of paper or not……we were married. It's been a tough divorce for me emotionally, but quite frankly in a lot of ways I'm very glad that we didn't have to go through an actual divorce. That's a huge expense and hassle that I would not want to have to go through.
All that aside, a lot of positives have happened for me since this divorce. I've picked back up music, and have made a hell of a lot of friends that I now interact with regularly. I never had that before, but at the same time, I was happy just being a house hermit with my companion. That's something that I'm still lacking, and still feeling the need to fulfill.
It's not that current situations aren't good enough for me, I've got people who care about me and want to spend time with me. I have companions in life. But I don't have a companion to share that life with, not in the way that I want it. I've been living on my own all alone since February, and I'm stranded in Marion Ohio an hour from ANY of my friends. I work in Dublin, my studio contacts are all in Columbus and the surrounding areas, and I have absolutely no friends in the Marion area. I sleep here and go to school here, and that's it. So the loneliness kills me at times. But that's a natural result of the current situation. The saddest thing is that even though I want to move to Columbus, right now it's not fiscally feasible, nor is it a practical business move for Skyline Sound Studios yet. Sure, being closer to my target market would increase my prospects, but the rent and cost of living are higher there. I would be giving up a lot of what I have now if I relocated. It's not as if I never go to Columbus, I'm there all the damn time! But almost nobody comes to Marion to see me. It's like pulling teeth to get someone to come here to see me, yet I'm always invited to functions in Columbus and I go without complaint of the distance! It's a minor annoyance, I realize that I'm a rare breed who likes to drive whereas others I know hate getting behind the wheel for extended periods. So I deal with it. But all of it adds to my feelings of seclusion, since at night my only companions are Facebook, youtube, netflix, and a whining cat.
So yeah, I'm lonely. I'm not trying to bitch about it, but I feel that I have things to get off my chest. So if you've read this far, thank you for reading.
What I'm really missing is the ability to have someone in my life on a consistent basis. Even when Sarah was in the picture, and I was still isolated, I didn't mind it at all. I had my companion here to spend time with me. Even when she was ignoring me in the end of our "marriage" and trying to get into her own space without me in her life, I still had her in the house! It didn't feel like an empty skeleton.
I realize that all of this is just part of the adjustment process. I'm going to be adjusting for a while I expect. I mean, let's look at this objectively. I was "married" from the time I was 18 to the time I was 30! I've NEVER been on my own in my life! Now that I'm completely on my own, it's a lot to absorb and deal through. I'm figuring out how to do things without relying on the other person to take care of it, which is something that should've been done years ago! I'm like a fat, old, bald, divorced 20 year old! LOL! But considering that I'm still trying to work through these things and adjust to life without Sarah, I feel that this format will be a good way of me getting those things worked through.
So how bad is my Sarah dependency 3 months after complete separation?
I see previews for the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and think that I can't watch that movie without her! The same applies for the last installment of the Twilight saga or the Harry Potter films! Every one of those movie sagas were started with her in the theater with me, and it's unthinkable that she'll be watching them all continue or conclude with her new boyfriend and not me! I know that I can find other people to watch them with, but no one would appreciate them with me like Sarah did.
I think about the 4th of July, which was our anniversary. Even though we weren't married, that's the date we hooked up and I asked her if she'd go out with me! Every 4th of July since 1999 was spent with her, and even though some of them grew stagnant, it was a constant for me. This year, though I'm not currently dreading the holiday itself, it will be really weird to think of spending it just like any other day when I know it's not. I've gotta get out of town and make new memories for that date, or else I know I'm gonna have a rough go that day! I did the same thing around holidays with my family! Before my father and I re-connected a couple of years ago, I'd have the urge to get in touch with him on holidays simply because my family was so fractured that I had no one to spend Christmas with other than Sarah's family one year! I felt the need to make a connection with my father because it was a holiday and I was feeling extra sentimental, causing me to have a tough time that day. I didn't pick up the phone, which I'm glad for because I wasn't ready for that. The re-connection between my father and I took some time, but that's another blog post. The point is that I don't wanna panic, and do something stupid on the 4th of July this year because I'm feeling sentimental and depressed at the things I've lost. So I'm planning a trip to Colorado for the week around the 4th, and may even stop in Albuquerque to see some friends on the 4th itself! It's time to make a new tradition after all! I don't even wanna think about how I'll handle the holidays this year, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
The point is that I know I'm still adjusting to things. There's not a quick fix for it. I still feel the need to have companionship in my life on a daily basis at home, and that's because it's what I've always known. I miss Sarah at times, and it's hard not doing the things we used to do, but those days are gone. Now is about me, and learning to be without a companion, no matter how much I may wish I had one. I'll be fine. I'm saddened that I can't have that right now, but glad for the things I do have. I'll just have to keep working on myself one day at a time I suppose.
Thanks for reading.
So this post is about companionship. It's something I've had in spades for 12 years. It's something that now seems to be hard to attain, for obvious reasons. That's what happens when a 12 year marriage crumbles, and you're trying to pick up the pieces. Ok, so Sarah and I were never officially married, but when you spend nearly every day with someone for 12 years, I don't give a damn if we signed a piece of paper or not……we were married. It's been a tough divorce for me emotionally, but quite frankly in a lot of ways I'm very glad that we didn't have to go through an actual divorce. That's a huge expense and hassle that I would not want to have to go through.
All that aside, a lot of positives have happened for me since this divorce. I've picked back up music, and have made a hell of a lot of friends that I now interact with regularly. I never had that before, but at the same time, I was happy just being a house hermit with my companion. That's something that I'm still lacking, and still feeling the need to fulfill.
It's not that current situations aren't good enough for me, I've got people who care about me and want to spend time with me. I have companions in life. But I don't have a companion to share that life with, not in the way that I want it. I've been living on my own all alone since February, and I'm stranded in Marion Ohio an hour from ANY of my friends. I work in Dublin, my studio contacts are all in Columbus and the surrounding areas, and I have absolutely no friends in the Marion area. I sleep here and go to school here, and that's it. So the loneliness kills me at times. But that's a natural result of the current situation. The saddest thing is that even though I want to move to Columbus, right now it's not fiscally feasible, nor is it a practical business move for Skyline Sound Studios yet. Sure, being closer to my target market would increase my prospects, but the rent and cost of living are higher there. I would be giving up a lot of what I have now if I relocated. It's not as if I never go to Columbus, I'm there all the damn time! But almost nobody comes to Marion to see me. It's like pulling teeth to get someone to come here to see me, yet I'm always invited to functions in Columbus and I go without complaint of the distance! It's a minor annoyance, I realize that I'm a rare breed who likes to drive whereas others I know hate getting behind the wheel for extended periods. So I deal with it. But all of it adds to my feelings of seclusion, since at night my only companions are Facebook, youtube, netflix, and a whining cat.
So yeah, I'm lonely. I'm not trying to bitch about it, but I feel that I have things to get off my chest. So if you've read this far, thank you for reading.
What I'm really missing is the ability to have someone in my life on a consistent basis. Even when Sarah was in the picture, and I was still isolated, I didn't mind it at all. I had my companion here to spend time with me. Even when she was ignoring me in the end of our "marriage" and trying to get into her own space without me in her life, I still had her in the house! It didn't feel like an empty skeleton.
I realize that all of this is just part of the adjustment process. I'm going to be adjusting for a while I expect. I mean, let's look at this objectively. I was "married" from the time I was 18 to the time I was 30! I've NEVER been on my own in my life! Now that I'm completely on my own, it's a lot to absorb and deal through. I'm figuring out how to do things without relying on the other person to take care of it, which is something that should've been done years ago! I'm like a fat, old, bald, divorced 20 year old! LOL! But considering that I'm still trying to work through these things and adjust to life without Sarah, I feel that this format will be a good way of me getting those things worked through.
So how bad is my Sarah dependency 3 months after complete separation?
I see previews for the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and think that I can't watch that movie without her! The same applies for the last installment of the Twilight saga or the Harry Potter films! Every one of those movie sagas were started with her in the theater with me, and it's unthinkable that she'll be watching them all continue or conclude with her new boyfriend and not me! I know that I can find other people to watch them with, but no one would appreciate them with me like Sarah did.
I think about the 4th of July, which was our anniversary. Even though we weren't married, that's the date we hooked up and I asked her if she'd go out with me! Every 4th of July since 1999 was spent with her, and even though some of them grew stagnant, it was a constant for me. This year, though I'm not currently dreading the holiday itself, it will be really weird to think of spending it just like any other day when I know it's not. I've gotta get out of town and make new memories for that date, or else I know I'm gonna have a rough go that day! I did the same thing around holidays with my family! Before my father and I re-connected a couple of years ago, I'd have the urge to get in touch with him on holidays simply because my family was so fractured that I had no one to spend Christmas with other than Sarah's family one year! I felt the need to make a connection with my father because it was a holiday and I was feeling extra sentimental, causing me to have a tough time that day. I didn't pick up the phone, which I'm glad for because I wasn't ready for that. The re-connection between my father and I took some time, but that's another blog post. The point is that I don't wanna panic, and do something stupid on the 4th of July this year because I'm feeling sentimental and depressed at the things I've lost. So I'm planning a trip to Colorado for the week around the 4th, and may even stop in Albuquerque to see some friends on the 4th itself! It's time to make a new tradition after all! I don't even wanna think about how I'll handle the holidays this year, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
The point is that I know I'm still adjusting to things. There's not a quick fix for it. I still feel the need to have companionship in my life on a daily basis at home, and that's because it's what I've always known. I miss Sarah at times, and it's hard not doing the things we used to do, but those days are gone. Now is about me, and learning to be without a companion, no matter how much I may wish I had one. I'll be fine. I'm saddened that I can't have that right now, but glad for the things I do have. I'll just have to keep working on myself one day at a time I suppose.
Thanks for reading.
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