Companionship.

It's been a few years since I've dusted off the old blog. Let's see how this thing works.

So this post is about companionship. It's something I've had in spades for 12 years. It's something that now seems to be hard to attain, for obvious reasons. That's what happens when a 12 year marriage crumbles, and you're trying to pick up the pieces. Ok, so Sarah and I were never officially married, but when you spend nearly every day with someone for 12 years, I don't give a damn if we signed a piece of paper or not……we were married. It's been a tough divorce for me emotionally, but quite frankly in a lot of ways I'm very glad that we didn't have to go through an actual divorce. That's a huge expense and hassle that I would not want to have to go through.

All that aside, a lot of positives have happened for me since this divorce. I've picked back up music, and have made a hell of a lot of friends that I now interact with regularly. I never had that before, but at the same time, I was happy just being a house hermit with my companion. That's something that I'm still lacking, and still feeling the need to fulfill.

It's not that current situations aren't good enough for me, I've got people who care about me and want to spend time with me. I have companions in life. But I don't have a companion to share that life with, not in the way that I want it. I've been living on my own all alone since February, and I'm stranded in Marion Ohio an hour from ANY of my friends. I work in Dublin, my studio contacts are all in Columbus and the surrounding areas, and I have absolutely no friends in the Marion area. I sleep here and go to school here, and that's it. So the loneliness kills me at times. But that's a natural result of the current situation. The saddest thing is that even though I want to move to Columbus, right now it's not fiscally feasible, nor is it a practical business move for Skyline Sound Studios yet. Sure, being closer to my target market would increase my prospects, but the rent and cost of living are higher there. I would be giving up a lot of what I have now if I relocated. It's not as if I never go to Columbus, I'm there all the damn time! But almost nobody comes to Marion to see me. It's like pulling teeth to get someone to come here to see me, yet I'm always invited to functions in Columbus and I go without complaint of the distance! It's a minor annoyance, I realize that I'm a rare breed who likes to drive whereas others I know hate getting behind the wheel for extended periods. So I deal with it. But all of it adds to my feelings of seclusion, since at night my only companions are Facebook, youtube, netflix, and a whining cat.

So yeah, I'm lonely. I'm not trying to bitch about it, but I feel that I have things to get off my chest. So if you've read this far, thank you for reading.

What I'm really missing is the ability to have someone in my life on a consistent basis. Even when Sarah was in the picture, and I was still isolated, I didn't mind it at all. I had my companion here to spend time with me. Even when she was ignoring me in the end of our "marriage" and trying to get into her own space without me in her life, I still had her in the house! It didn't feel like an empty skeleton.

I realize that all of this is just part of the adjustment process. I'm going to be adjusting for a while I expect. I mean, let's look at this objectively. I was "married" from the time I was 18 to the time I was 30! I've NEVER been on my own in my life! Now that I'm completely on my own, it's a lot to absorb and deal through. I'm figuring out how to do things without relying on the other person to take care of it, which is something that should've been done years ago! I'm like a fat, old, bald, divorced 20 year old! LOL! But considering that I'm still trying to work through these things and adjust to life without Sarah, I feel that this format will be a good way of me getting those things worked through.

So how bad is my Sarah dependency 3 months after complete separation?

I see previews for the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and think that I can't watch that movie without her! The same applies for the last installment of the Twilight saga or the Harry Potter films! Every one of those movie sagas were started with her in the theater with me, and it's unthinkable that she'll be watching them all continue or conclude with her new boyfriend and not me! I know that I can find other people to watch them with, but no one would appreciate them with me like Sarah did.

I think about the 4th of July, which was our anniversary. Even though we weren't married, that's the date we hooked up and I asked her if she'd go out with me! Every 4th of July since 1999 was spent with her, and even though some of them grew stagnant, it was a constant for me. This year, though I'm not currently dreading the holiday itself, it will be really weird to think of spending it just like any other day when I know it's not. I've gotta get out of town and make new memories for that date, or else I know I'm gonna have a rough go that day! I did the same thing around holidays with my family! Before my father and I re-connected a couple of years ago, I'd have the urge to get in touch with him on holidays simply because my family was so fractured that I had no one to spend Christmas with other than Sarah's family one year! I felt the need to make a connection with my father because it was a holiday and I was feeling extra sentimental, causing me to have a tough time that day. I didn't pick up the phone, which I'm glad for because I wasn't ready for that. The re-connection between my father and I took some time, but that's another blog post. The point is that I don't wanna panic, and do something stupid on the 4th of July this year because I'm feeling sentimental and depressed at the things I've lost. So I'm planning a trip to Colorado for the week around the 4th, and may even stop in Albuquerque to see some friends on the 4th itself! It's time to make a new tradition after all! I don't even wanna think about how I'll handle the holidays this year, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

The point is that I know I'm still adjusting to things. There's not a quick fix for it. I still feel the need to have companionship in my life on a daily basis at home, and that's because it's what I've always known. I miss Sarah at times, and it's hard not doing the things we used to do, but those days are gone. Now is about me, and learning to be without a companion, no matter how much I may wish I had one. I'll be fine. I'm saddened that I can't have that right now, but glad for the things I do have. I'll just have to keep working on myself one day at a time I suppose.

Thanks for reading.