Dawn.....

New dedication

The last two weeks have been horrifying for me. I've been utterly and completely terrified at the possibility that I might have been developing cancer, and also scared of the possibility of having an ulcer. Fortunately, it turns out that I'm fine. Worst case scenario, I'll be glued to a daily dose of Prilosec OTC for the rest of my days. Best case scenario, they took a biopsy to check for a bacteria that, when erradicated, would likely eliminate my Acid Reflux!

So good news abounds!

But I've been through the emotional ringer during the last two weeks. There's a lot to cover, so bear with me. But you know that savings that I had acrued in case of emergencies? Well, that's mostly gone, and I have less than $100 in my savings at this point. So how did that happen, and what am I gonna do about it?

Monday, Occtober 17th, 2011.

I start having pains in my abdomen that felt like rocks moving through my intestines. This happening spurred Laura to state her concern about the possibility of an Ulcer, and urged me to get my reflux checked. This started during my last hour at my day job that day, the same day that I was asked to take on a new task at my day job, and I was really excited about that. That was very short lived with this new concern about my health. It was made known to me that it could lead to esophagial cancer, which is extremely untreatable and has a very low survival rating, so I called off work the next day and found a General Practitioner.

The first distressing thing to me was the loss of one day of income. I'm trying to stay on a certain track, and it wasn't very comforting to know that I was losing a day's wages to go spend money at a doctor when I have no insurance! Then, the doctor started expressing concern that I'd never had a Gastroscopy done to examine the depth of my reflux damage. He confirmed my fear that it could become cancerous, and wanted to have me checked a.s.a.p. for Barrett's Esophagus or for Esophageal Cancer. I started getting worried about the prospect of dying, rather than having a mildly annoying condition! Naturally, this stressed me out immensly!

So after paying $50 out of pocket (bear in mind that I don't make all that much money right now) and losing one day's wages, I found myself worried about money and death. Not a good combination. The doc then called the Smith Clinic in Marion to schedule an appointment with a gastroenterologist. The appointment was scheduled for 8:30am the following morning, which meant that I'd be missing another day's wages. Then I found out that the Smith Clinic wanted $100 down to be seen. So I was missing two days wages, paid $150 out of pocket, and was worried about cancer! Not a good day.

I went to the Smith Clinic expecting to have the Gastroscopy that day, but was informed that I was mainly there to be evaluated by the doctor to see if it was necessary. I found out at this visit that I was about to incur a $2000 (approximated) out of pocket medical expense to resolve all of this because I don't have insurance. They scheduled the Gastroscopy for yesterday, which meant that after missing two days of work last week, I was going to miss at least one day this week too. My finances were taking a major hit and I was worrying about death.

After finding out how much they would be charging for this procedure, I spoke to the financial department about the down payment costs for this procedure. They wanted $150 down to cover the doctors fee, and $250 down for the facility. This would leave me with about $1600 to pay out of pocket, but with rent due I wasn't sure I could swing the $400 down since I had missed so much work! So now I was worried about death, money, and keeping a roof over my head, all in the span of about 36 hours!

There was no question, I needed the money I had saved. I had $600 in savings, and I took out $550. $150 to cover the doctor bills I'd already paid out of pocket, and $400 to pay for the procedure's down payment. I decided to keep the scheduled appointment, because if I did have some form of cancer developing I'd much rather catch it now and be in debt than to postpone it and it be too late. That's one lesson from Steve Jobs, catch it early and treat it early. When applying the "what's the worst that can happen" scenario, I'll take homelessness over death.

I found myself in a bit of a numb panic. I left the Smith Clinic that day, bought a bottle of Jack Daniels, and drank myself into oblivion. I could have salvaged 1/2 of my work day, but there was no way I could focus on work after the mountain of worry that had just been piled up. I'm not much of a drinker anymore, it's a very rare occurance, but this seemed the best course of action at the time. I regretted it later when I was hungover by 7pm that day........

The next few days I found myself constantly on the razors edge. I found myself wondering what would happen if I didn't make it to 33? I found myself not being satisfied with the accumulation of my lifes work thus far, and feeling ashamed as though I had wasted my time thus far. I found myself regretting things I had done earlier this year while I was trying to figure myself out, and wandering how in the hell I would pay for any of the possibly insane medical expenses that could be approaching. I found myself considering illegal activities to generate the money to pay my medical bills (can you say Breaking Bad? LOL!), considering what I could sell to pay my bills, and trying to figure out how I could generate some business for the studio quickly. I got really pissed off at a colleague who has taken the last 3 weeks to get me the payment for a gig that I played (I still haven't recieved it, and I do take that personally since I did put in lots of effort to promote that show and was now DESPARATE for cash.....I won't name names, but since I haven't recieved the money and doubt that I will.....right here, buddy!)

So to recap, I had drained my meager savings, was worried about dying, was worried about losing my home, was worried about collecting money owed to me, all in the span of a couple of days! I was a bit of a wreck. All this was going on while I was trying to wrap up some recording projects, worried about midterms week, and worried about making myself look bad at work by missing 1/2 of my work week THE DAY AFTER being asked to take on more responsibility! There almost wasn't a single facet of my life that wasn't putting pressure on me in some way. I was about to snap.

The weekend brought some solace. Sunday I did a touch-up session with Enemy By Mourning to cap off their album. It's rounding 3rd, and should be done as soon as I can find the time. It was a hell of a lot of fun to hang with them all day and talk shop, while working on their album! It's gonna be a killer record when it's done, and I'm INSANELY proud of the work we've been doing. I needed that session.

I also did some mentoring with my two protoge's, Michael Aylor and Brian Henken, who were there to observe the Enemy By Mourning session. They provided some background vocal on the song "On With The Show", which was needed as we needed as many voices as we could muster for the song. After EBM left, I discussed some audio principals with the protege's, and then got to my homework. I had a midterm due that night, and when that was done I continued my self distraction by doing some mixing work. It was a good distraction, and even though the day was long, it was great to stop worrying about the big "what if" for a bit.

.....but it didn't last long.....

Tuesday, everything came to a personal head.

I think I've been over-stressing myself about all of this, and my stomach hasn't been liking me very much as a result. Tuesday was a very bad stomach day. I actually left work 40 minutes early because of my stomach. I also had a test due at 9:00 that night, so this would give me a chance to decompress before taking the test and allow me to hopefully let my stomach settle.

But my car had other plans.

I leave work, and my battery is dead. When I say dead, I mean it melted my jumper cables because it was incapable of even HOLDING a charge! I started a downward spiral mentally, just wondering what the fuck could go wrong next. I had just taken my savings out to spend on the doctor bill, believing that rent was going to be $300 short and a week late. But I drive a 2005 Dodge Stratus, and replacing a battery in one of those is a hassle. I want to shoot the designer. I had to tow the car to the nearest NTB location, which cost me $40, then pay $160 to have the battery replaced and installed. They had to remove the front tire to access the battery! Whoever thought this was a good place for a battery should be drawn and quartered!

So essentially, I found myself doing the math, and only having $100 to pay in a few days toward my $600 rent. I started to panic, and just about fell apart. It was not a good day to be me.

Flash forward to Wednesday morning. Things started to look a bit better. I called the Marion Area Health Center, and they told me they'd wave their $250 down that I had to pay because of my situation, which meant that I was only going to have to pay $150 to the doctor on the day of the procedure! This was a HUGE relief!

Then around lunch time, I got a call from the Marion Area Health Center, it was a pre-procedure screening. They informed me that I'd be asleep during the process, which I've never had done before and it freaked me out. I'm a wimp, I know, but I hate needles and I've heard that some people don't wake up from anesthetic. I was scared. I was afraid of what they'd find. I was afraid that the anesthetic would wear off and I'd wake up mid-procedure. I was afraid that I'd not wake up at all......

Laura spent the evening with me on Wednesday, and instead of working on school work like we normally do on Wednesdays, I spent it trying to relax. It had been one thing after another and I was on the edge. I was mentally exhausted, and I evidently passed out before she left. She didn't wanna wake me, so she let herself out.

I woke up at 5:30am to find her gone, and I'm starving. Now they said I couldn't eat solid food after midnight, but I could have something liquid up to 6 hours before the procedure. The procedure was at noon, so I go to make a protien shake so that my stomach will stop grumbling. When I get downstairs, it's freezing cold. So I go to turn up the thermostat, only to find that the heat wasn't coming on. After the car problems, the money problems, the worrying about my own demise, and everything else, now my furnace wasn't working! I look outside, and there was no tag on my door, so I knew they hadn't shut me off for some reason. So i went back to bed and said to hell with it, I was going to worry about this one later. Luckily, it was just that the pilot light had gone out, and it was an easy fix, but I didn't worry about it til after the procedure. While I'm halfway doped up is probably not the safest time to deal with natural gas, but hey......

Anyway, I wake up to Laura coming in at around 11:45am, and hop in the shower. We head to the procedure, and they take me back. You can read my post about the procedure that I posted last night as the anesthetic was wearing off to read about what happened. But after it was over, and I realized I was going to be ok, it was a HUGE sigh of relief!

Another great sigh of relief was the fact that they NEVER ASKED ME FOR THE DOWN PAYMENT! I'll have to pay it when I'm billed later, but they never took my payment on the day of the procedure, so all of the money that I took out of savings is now available to pay my rent! It's gonna be a tight few weeks financially, but I'll keep a roof over my head, which is a good thing!

So let's reflect. I've been through the ringer emotionally, physically, financially, and in almost every other way this year. It's been a trying year. But as 2011 is coming to a close, I'm starting to reflect on this roller coaster of a year. I'm realizing that this year seemed to strip away my immaturity, re-dedicate myself to success, and help me appreciate the personal relationships that are right in front of me. I feel like I've never had my resolve challenged as an adult, but this year changed all of it. This year has been a character building year for me, and I know that after this last week of feeling like I'd hit rock bottom, that I'll be ok no matter what comes my way. I'm not going to sweat the small stuff anymore, cause it seems to work itself out. Instead, I'm going to take chances (what's the worst that can happen?!), work hard (there's only one way to build a better life for myself, it's certainly NOT going to be handed to me), and count my blessings (there have been a number of kindnesses this year that I don't deserve and cannot repay, without them I'd surely have collapsed.....I need to always remember that). I feel like I'm a totally different person in every way than I was in October 2010 when Sarah started showing signs of doubt in our relationship. I'm a more dedicated person than I was in the months that followed when I was hanging to sanity by a thread. I have weathered a hell of a storm this year, and I'm trying to find the strength to learn the lessons that are in front of me to be learned, and carry them through the rest of my life.

This is the dawning of a new era in my life.

IT'S NOT CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. This week has put me through the ringer……

....in other words…… IT SUCKED!

But the good news is that I'm back to worrying about lesser things, and I feel that I can get a new perspective on my priorities.

More on that later though. I plan on doing a blog post after I've had some time to sort through some of the emotional hell this has put me through, but right now I want to discuss the days events. Here's an update after today's Gastroscopy procedure.

Quick recap…..I went after having some severe abdominal pain, similar to having rocks moving through my intestines. Laura was worried that it may be an ulcer, or something worse, so I called off work and went to a general practitioner to get checked out. They recommended that I have a "scope" done to see what the extent of the damage from my acid reflux was. The ER had recommended the same thing, so I bit the uber-expensive bullet and scheduled the procedure.

It all took place today. I found out yesterday that they were going to actually put me under during the procedure, so I'd sleep through it. I'd never been put under, so I was a bit nervous about that, cause I know that sometimes on rare occasions you don't wake up from being anesthetized. But otherwise, I was glad I'd be asleep, cause the thought of having a large tube shoved down my throat while I'm wide awake just didn't suit me too well.

I was also nervous about what they'd find. I'll admit that I was somewhat nervous that they'd nick a blood vessel while they were inside and I'd have internal bleeding that would go un-noticed……..(I'm a bit of a medical wimp, ok…). So I was just not in a great place. I was nervous and anxious, and it took me removing myself from it all to be able to go through with it.

So Laura and I were at the Marion Area Health Center. I get called back in to get prepped. Understand that I HATE NEEDLES! The nurse was prepping me and tried to stick my right hand. She got the vein, but didn't tap it right, so she called someone else in to do it. The other hand got the needle instead. I swear, every time I get a needle, they always seem to have to poke me twice! WTF?!

Anyway, so they describe the procedure to me. Evidently, the plan was to heavily sedate me, do the procedure, and let me recover in the hospital room. They were going to numb my throat with a heavy duty spray that tasted like rotten ass dipped in battery acid. I had to swallow this crap!? Ew! The reason for the numbing was to suppress my gag reflex. Hmm, almost irony….in order to suppress my gag reflex, they made me wanna excursive it?!

It's hard to recall it right now, cause I'm still groggy from the anesthetic. But from what I recall, the nurse who administered the spray then leaned over me to inject the anesthetic into my IV. At this same time, another nurse put a big block in my mouth that was to hold my mouth open for the scope. I remember them putting that block in my mouth, leaning my head back, and then blacking out. It was weird.

I have no idea how long it took, but when they were done, I woke up in the hospital room with Laura beside me. I can't really remember much of it clearly, cause I was still heavily sedated. I couldn't even walk straight, and had to be taken to the car by wheelchair. They told me their findings:

They saw no signs of cancer, and no signs of Barrett's Esophagus. This is good news on both fronts, cause if I had Barrett's Esophagus, I'd have to be re-scoped once a year so they could search for cancer. Also, if either of these conditions existed, I would wonder what would happen to my fledgeling singing career (not that performing is the most important thing, but i'd rather not lose my voice if I don't have to…). They did see some inflammation in the esophagus and stomach, and gave me some lovely pictures of my insides!



I'd say that's more than just inflammation. Laura said "it looks pissed off!" lol! To contrast, here's what it SHOULD look like.....



So it looks like I'd just been having some major inflammation issues thanks to the Acid Reflux! They did take a biopsy, and will be testing it for any bacteria that can cause the inflammation. I go in on Monday to get the results of this and discuss it with my doctor. If it's the bacteria, my understanding is that it's totally treatable and may help rid me of my acid reflux! We'll see!

So I went home, and ordered a pizza. I hadn't eaten in 18+ hours, and I was hungry damn it! Besides, it was good news, I was up for a celebration! After eating, still groggy as hell, I passed out. I've been in and out all day. I woke up around 7:30 this evening, and I was feeling groggy and somewhat nauseous. I kinda feel like my ass has been kicked by some bad cold.

I feel like I wanna say more about all this, adding in some witty quips…..but quite frankly I'm still somewhat air headed from the anesthetic. So just know that it looks like I'm ok, and whatever is happening is totally treatable. I'd rather rack up some uninsured medical debt and know that I'll live than to hold off on the test and not have caught some quick moving cancer.

Anyway, all of this has rededicated me to a lot of things. I'll post about them when I'm more clear headed. But i feel like I've been made to think about the worst case scenario, and now that it's good news, I'm ready to focus and use the time I do have in front of me to take myself as far as i can go as quickly as possible. Fuck the 5 year plan, what if I can make it happen in 2? lol! We'll see!

Thanks for reading.

Taking stock of 2011

What a fucking year. A lot of good has happened, but a lot of very stressful bad things have happened too. Let's look at the bad......

Sarah leaves me.

I'm forced to adapt to life on my own for the first time in my life, at 30 years old.

I make some bad decisions in the love game.

I lose my day job.

I have to beg for money from family to pay rent.

I found myself dumpster diving for scrap metal to pay the bills.

I go into a depression of home sickness, longing for the Rockies, but knowing I can't get there because I lost my job and have no means to travel.

I get my job back, and start doing well, and start putting the pieces of myself back together financially, straighten out my love life, and start feeling optimistic about my future..............

..........but now it all might be derailed because I may have cancer?!?!

I don't necessarily believe in Karma, simply because there are a million facets to the decisions one makes, and what may be the only choice one has may be perceived by an outsider as a bad decision that will generate bad karma. I believe that life is completely random, I don't believe in a divine entity (despite my upbringing - sorry mom). I know I did nothing to deserve any of these worries.

But it doesn't make it suck any less.

Cancer?

Well this is going swimmingly…..

Ok, this is my uncensored, unfiltered rant. I'm not sure if I'm pissed off, but I'm not happy. I just got back from a gastroenterologist.

A month ago, I was in the ER with chest pains. They determined that it was likely not a heart issue, and advised me to have my acid reflux checked to see what damage it was doing. I put that off, cause I can't afford a doctor and have no insurance.

Two days ago, I was at my day job. I had eaten lunch a few hours earlier. I start feeling the sensation of hot rocks moving through my intestines in the left side of my abdomen. Laura suspects it could be an ulcer, as she's been through that pleasantness before. So I called off work yesterday to go see a doctor. I wasn't happy about losing a days pay, or how it would make me look the day after they assign me a new task at my day job, but health is more important than all of those things, so I did what I had to do.

Yesterday, they talk to me about my acid reflux, informing me that it can lead to esophageal cancer, which evidently is one of the worst kinds. So the doctor recommended that I see a gastroenterologist to have a scope done so they could see what's going on, just in case.

I went to the gastroenterologist this morning, under the impression that i was going to have a procedure done. They informed me that it would actually be scheduled another time, today was just the preliminary to see if it was needed.

So in essence, I paid $50 down to one doctor yesterday and $100 down to a doctor today to have them tell me that it's not going to happen today, but they want me to come back next week and pay $400 down to have it done……..

That's $550………..down…………and I only have managed to save $600.

Well, thanks to the corporate structure of American medicine, I've now in effect wiped out my savings. That won't even begin to touch the amount that it will cost my uninsured ass to pay for these procedures in the end, it'll just cover the down payments!

But what then? What if they find esophageal cancer? I'm going to be sitting here for a week worrying about the validity of these tests, and how pissed I'll be if everything's ok because of how much all of this is costing me (all so they can tell me to keep taking prilosec and get checked regularly……….) But quite frankly, what if? What if it turns out that I have something wrong with me that needs addressed?! I can't afford to get that shit treated! Period! I don't wanna end up like my friend Derek, but quite frankly - DEREK LIVED IN CANADA! I don't know the ins and outs of what he had to pay and didn't have to pay, but I'm sure that something like this would bankrupt me in the US and not bankrupt me in Canada.

And what if I do have cancer? I have no insurance! Good luck getting insurance with a pre-existing condition! There ought be some sort of law in this country……oh wait, wasn't that in Obama's health bill that so many people are ignorantly challenging?

I wonder how my mom felt 30 years ago, hearing the news that she was going to die. I wonder how she felt knowing there was no treatment, and that if there were a treatment she likely couldn't afford it anyway. I wonder if I'll end up like her, dead by 36?

I'm in sticker shock somewhat. How in the hell can you expect a normal working class individual to afford medical bills in this economy if they were not lucky enough to have insurance? How in the hell can you put a price tag on my life? How in the hell can you think that it's ok to intimidate people into not getting treatment because they know they can't afford it, and they can't leave their families with that sort of debt?

Now I understand why Walter White (Breaking Bad) does it…..not that I didn't understand before, it just hits home now.

I left the gastroenterologists office, with $150 less in cash, after missing two days of pay at work, feeling scared about what's going to happen to me. I'm scared the "what if's". What if I have cancer? What if I can't come up with the money to pay for all of this. What if I drain my measly $600 from my savings and use it to pay the down payments, then get laid off again in a week? What if all this does is put me into debt, and I'm fine? I've had 3 reactions to all of this since leaving the gastroneterologist.

1 - I wanted to cry. I know I can't afford ANY of this. But I'm almost forced into it. Sure, there are payment arrangements and plans, but the fact remains that I'm still going to have paid $550 by next week just in down payments alone, and the income assistance will not really cover enough of it for me. I felt scared and wanted to cry.

2 - I wanted to get shit faced. I thought to myself "Is 10am too early to get a bottle of jack daniels and drink myself to an oblivion?"

3 - I'm currently venting and trying to take my mind off of it all. I'm sort of in "recall mode" right now, and am avoiding actually thinking about these things and what they mean to me for fear of going off the deep end. I'm numbingly recalling what I've felt and what my frustrations are, so that I can write this blog, but if I stop to think about it for a second I start getting that tightness in my throat.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go get a bottle of Jack and go to town. I'm in no shape for doing homework, and I can't focus on mixing right now. I'll see you from cloud 9.

A promotion?

Ok, I can't go into what I'd be doing, but I'm psyched about the status of my day job. Just a few months ago, I was a temporary employee who was let go because of a lack of work. That makes sense, if there's no work there's no reason to pay people to sit there on the clock. I was brought back in August and have been doing my best to make myself a valuable employee. Ok, sure, if you read this blog, you know that I have other ambitions in life that involve self employment, but I'm not there yet. For now, I have to rely on the cheddar this job brings in. So I've been doing my best to improve my performance at the job so that if cuts are made again, I'm harder to let go.

It must be working. My boss has repeatedly been pointing out how well I'm doing here, and approached me today to train me in another department. Evidently, I'm increasing my value at the company!

So in essence, there's no pay raise (yet), but I just got a promotion!

WOO HOO!

Time alone on the road.....

My wanderlust got the best of me this weekend. It was pretty bad......in such a good way.

I was trying to be productive Sunday. Balancing school, work, studio work, doing shows, ect....I hardly have a time to just do something for the soul. I've been dying to go on a road trip lately, but haven't had the cash to do so and have a persisting thought of being too busy to plan anything.

So Sunday, I was running errands. I was going to go to Walmart and do some grocery shopping. But when I got there, around 2:30, I found myself turning on NPR and playing Angry Birds in my car for 30 minutes. I think I just didn't wanna keep going without doing something for me. I deserved it, right? The thought of just continuing on without taking some ME time, it was actually kind of pissing me off.

So at 3:00, I had a moment of spontaneity. I decided that I wasn't going to do anything until I'd had an open road moment. I needed it, and I was going to get it, damnit!

So I drove out of Marion, hitting US 23 northbound. I had no destination in mind, I was just going to drive and see where the road took me. As I crossed into Wyandotte County, I got ecstatic! I hadn't been through this part of Ohio in YEARS, but it was just nice to have the open road in front of me and be able to go exploring! I really need to do that more often, it felt REALLY freeing!

I'm driving nb on US 23, thinking that I'd drive up to Findlay and turn back. But then, along the way just north of Upper Sandusky, I made the split second decision to turn off and take another road to see where it was going! This wound up being Rt. 199, which goes past the Wyandot County Aiport, and took me to Carey Ohio. I began thinking that I'd just stay on 199, and head up to Fostoria before turning back. But I missed the turn in Carey and decided to just keep going anyway. Turns out that I was now on 568, which lead to Findlay anyway, so I decided to just head up there.

Just past Carey, I pulled over to take a picture of a vanalized billboard. You've gotta love bored people in small town Ohio!




So I continue down 568 into Findlay. This town reminds me severely of Marion, and Portsmouth, and even though it seems more quaint and has a certain charm, I'd go crazy living there. I already am going crazy living in Marion, and I've already done Portsmouth.

When I was in the heart of Findlay, I saw a road I was familiar with, Rt. 37. This road goes south through Richwood and LaRue, so I decided to take this road to get home, as I'd never driven that stretch of Rt. 37. Just after turning on the road, I stopped for gas. Adding to the charm of this typical small-town-in-Ohio town as the culture I encountered at the gas station. I saw a scraggly blonde woman in her early 20's surrounded by 3-4 kids that couldn't have been older than 5, and she was talking to her friend. I heard her say to her friend "....and I missed a court date that I didn't even know that I HAD?!?!?" - Ah, gotta love small town Ohio!

So I snapped one more photo before embarking out of Findlay, this one was of me looking at downtown from my drivers side mirror. Nothing special, but I thought I'd share.



So I continued on my drive down 37. I was thinking originally of driving down to Bellefountaine, but decided to just find my way back home instead. But somehow I missed a turn on my way and I found myself on Rt. 68 heading south instead of Rt. 37. This was still cool, cause I'd never been there before. I noticed that Rt. 68 ran into Kenton, which connected to Marion via Rt. 309. So that was my plan of action. The drive from that point was relatively uneventful, but it was just nice to be on the road and experience the thrill of being behind the wheel with miles ahead of me. I honestly feel a lot better having had the chance to get out of my routine and do this for myself, even though it was a senseless waste of fossil fuels. I'm looking forward to doing it again!

Turning a corner?!

I'm feeling good right now! A few things have been going my way, and I'm happy about that (obviously). I've got some great business ideas that I won't discuss here yet, but they could help elevate me to the level I want to be. But aside from that, a few things personally have been going my way. We'll talk about some of those.....

First of all, I've been able to get a small savings of less than $1000, but more than $500. It's not what I wanted to have had out of my overage, but quite frankly I've had some bills to pay that were acruing after the job loss over the summer (not to mention the expense of textbooks), so I'm happy about having what I have right now. 1 month ago, I had less than $1 in my savings. I had to pull out the $99 I had saved over the summer to get some bills paid. But now, that's changed, and I've been setting back some of each check coupled with part of my studio earnings and my school overage. Now I have a nice little cushion! It's not much, and if I were to lose all forms of income it would deplete REALLY quick, but it's better than where I was.

Then, I got a bit of a bail out from my uncle. I've not asked him for money since this summer when I asked them to help me cover August's rent, but he's been offering me help to get me out of the woods and I'll forever be greatful! He recently asked me for information regarding my debts, and after I sent him a full report of what I owe, he sent me a $500 check to help me get back on top of things. That was over a month ago, and I've been waiting to hear from him since then, but he's a busy guy and difficult to reach.

Well, I recieved a letter from him on Friday that included a check, and a letter stating that he wanted me to use that check to pay off one of my 3 credit cards! I've since done so, and I only have 2 in my name now instead of 3! It's nice to have that cleared out of the way, cause I'd originally used that credit card to pay off some medical bills that were in collections about 5 years ago, and I quickly maxed it out. It stayed maxed out the ENTIRE TIME! By now, with a $500 limit, at 26.99% APR, I've paid off those medical bills & THEN SOME! Also, I was stupid with it, and would use it for stupid things like fast food when I knew there was a little bit of room on it. Obviously, if you read this blog, you know that I've since wised up to how stupid my financial actions were, and am trying to reverse the damage before it gets worse. So this opportunity to just pay off the card, which at that point was over limit, is a big sigh of relief for me as it will free up those assets to go to my other cards and car loan, and allow me to have more disposable income if it were needed for other things!

As soon as I got his check, I went online and made the payment! Over the weekend, it was processed, and yesterday I was GIDDY to see that the balance was Zero and the card was closed!



If that was the extent of my uncle's generosity, I'd be ecstatic. But on Saturday I spoke with him on the phone and he expressed interest in helping me get the next two cards paid off over the next two months! I don't expect him to do this, but honestly if he did it would be a HUGE sigh of relief! I felt like I was really in over my head over the summer, and now it seems that some things are finally going my way! I attribute it to a few things, one of which being my not being shy about needing help, and one being my new dedication to managing my assets.

That said, there are other things that are happening too. It would seem that my once estranged father, who I didn't really talk to until around my birthday in 2009 (I'd have been turning 28 - I've forgiven and moved on, we now keep in touch), has recently gone through a breakup and needs a place to stay for a few weeks. I've offered to let him stay at my place for a weekly rent of $100. It's a short term arrangement, and I can't see him being here more than 2 months tops, but he needs a place to hang his head and I have a spare bedroom. This extra $100 each week would be an obvious help to regaining my financial health. He's expected to move in later this week, and I've converted my band lounge back to a bedroom for his use during this time.

So monetarily, things are turning around. But that's not the only thing that's going well. I'm happy with a new relationship, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. I've got some really cool business ideas that I'm working on. School is in full swing, and I'm uber busy these days between classes and various mixing projects. In general, things are better than they were not that long ago, and I'm starting to feel a sense of stability. I walked through the fire, I got burned, but the wounds are healing and I'm back in action!

I'll post more as it happens, but this is all good news. Thanks for reading.

Flip Mode!

I'm bout to flip it on em!

Ok, I was all pissed about money earlier today, but now I'm optimistic as hell about the not so distant future! It's not that anything in particular happened, it's more that I'm seeing the potential behind he financial steps I'm taking to get me out of the hole and give me the life I want to live! I'm beyond excited, I'm ecstatic!

Let's summarize.

Money coming into the studio will be used for the purposes of building the studio. 20% of it will go to pay for my own utilities since the studio is housed in my home, but the rest of it would go toward the studio.

But instead of just spending it when I get enough saved to buy a new interface for my pro tools rig, I'd let it sit in an interest bearing savings account. Once a year, or quarter, or bi annually (still not sure), I'd make purchases based on what the most pressing needs are for the studio, and on how well the studio did in the most recent quarter. If my earnings were low over the preceeding quarter, then it might be smarter to put some of the capitol I'd earned into marketing and advertising to boost busines, while holding on to the rest in case an emergency comes up (the cat knocks over the iMac........).

The same could be applied in different ways to my musical endeavors. My solo project and Project DIVIDE would need a minor investment from my school overage to cover the costs of materials, iTunes placement, duplication, and mastering. Then a small run of CD's is printed, and when they are sold the money earned from their sale goes right back into producing more CD's to sell. A larger run is produced, and when they are sold, another run of the same size is produced, and some of the extra money is used to promote the CD's that are for sale! And thus, the cycle (hopefully) continues!

And of course my musical endeavors would be paying money into the studio, and raising awareness OF the studio, so each one is in some ways crucial to each other! Let me use Project DIVIDE as an example. Although nothing is in writing yet, it has been discussed that the revenues from this venture would be split 50/50. 50% would go to the sustenance of the business, and 50% would go to the individual members. There are two members, so each of us would get 25% of the total revenue for ourselves. Josh can do what he wants with his, but I'd likely be paying all of my share to Skyline Sound Studios to increase it's revenues. Bear in mind that the funds for Skyline would be in an interest bearing account, so I'd be earning interest on any money that is paid to Skyline, while taking 20% of the total revenues to apply to my household utilities (since Skyline is housed in my home, it only seems fair....).

Couple all of that with some really great promotional schemes that I'm concocting (I'm not telling), and you've got a recipe for some decent financial gains! We'll see what happens!

sand

I see people with enough money to travel, or to live comfortably, who don't seem to have a care in the world about the limited supply of rice in their cupboard or how they will put gas in their cars. I see people who wear nice clothes and use fancy phones (Ok, I have an iphone, but still.....), who buy name brand products at the grocery store without worrying about the little bit of extra money they are spending that may be frivelous (does anyone really NEED that high end sugar? It's FUCKING SUGAR!)

It feels like someone is rubbing sand in my face......slowly and firmly.

On one hand, I'm glad to see people not seeming to have to worry about how to get the things they'll need in life. I've always made due with the little that I have, and have been able to make a mountain out of the proverbial mole hill. But on the other hand, it seems really unfair in some ways that so many people seem to have it so fucking easy. I've never had means, I've done without many times in my life. I'm feeling a bit impatient at this moment, wishing that this would just pass so I could live comfortably without worrying about money. But I know that will be a long process, and I'll go through many dark moments before I get where I need to be.

I think I just wish I didn't have to worry about the financial security of myself and those I love anymore. I'm vowing to change that for myself and those I love, but I know it won't be an overnight thing. I want to be able to provide for once, rather than just survive.

I guess we'll see how it all plays out.

helpless

wounds of yesterday
soothed but for a moment
before I throw you away
and retreat into solace
I can't feel your pain
I'm too numb to see
selfish childish ways
ripping at the seams

I hate myself today
for what I've done to you
I don't deserve your grace
for what I've put you through

But nothing can be done
I can't turn back the clock
time sealed in all the pain
it's left inside to rot
We both are hurting now
though both in different ways
Your anger and mourning
I can only feel ashamed

There's no way out today
for what I've done to you
I see it on your face
scars of what I've done to you