Here I sit. It's been a good few days at home with the girls, but that can be exhausting even without the autism. But I'm worried.
The studio is behind schedule. There's an acoustical issue with the building that needs resolved. There's red tape with Grove City. There's an electrical transformer that needs to be shipped that's behind schedule. I only have so much of a budget and so much time to ride out that budget, and the clock is ticking fast.
So that gets me worried. What if I can't compete? What if I'm looked at and laughed out of the industry? What if these cats who are younger than me with half the gear (which isn't much) and half the skills undercut me and put me out of business (so they can propagate the scene with a shitty product)?
It's a mild panic, and I'll welcome that. But I won't dwell on it. The only way to know is to try.
Columbus, here I come.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Laura
To the woman that I'm madly, deeply, truly in love with.
You've shown me so many things. You've shown me unconditional love, patience, acceptance, sacrifice, tolerance, beauty, and hope. You've won my admiration with your strength and resilience, even if you scoff at the idea that I think you're strong and resilient.
You've made me see what it truly means to give yourself completely to the ones you love, without expectation and without condition. You've made me see what it is to let go of petty things and focus only on what truly matters.
You've made me want to be a better person in so many ways, and you've solidified a fighting spirit within me.
You've shown me what it means to be a family, and to love being a parent. You've shown me undying patience and grace.
And you continue to be an inspiring presence in my life.
You are the single most amazing woman I've ever met. Thank you for being in my life. I love you.
You've shown me so many things. You've shown me unconditional love, patience, acceptance, sacrifice, tolerance, beauty, and hope. You've won my admiration with your strength and resilience, even if you scoff at the idea that I think you're strong and resilient.
You've made me see what it truly means to give yourself completely to the ones you love, without expectation and without condition. You've made me see what it is to let go of petty things and focus only on what truly matters.
You've made me want to be a better person in so many ways, and you've solidified a fighting spirit within me.
You've shown me what it means to be a family, and to love being a parent. You've shown me undying patience and grace.
And you continue to be an inspiring presence in my life.
You are the single most amazing woman I've ever met. Thank you for being in my life. I love you.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Revisiting Phase 1
After my job loss, thanks to steps I had taken in Phases 1 and 2, I was able to stay afloat for a few months. Thanks to Laura, Phase 3 has now come to fruition and I've made it out of Marion once and for all. But now, thanks in part to all the life changes over the last 4 months and also to my own laziness, I've slacked off in school. If I haven't flunked out completely, it's time to completely rededicate myself to my education. Taking online classes was a good idea for my previous situation, but I had too many things going on at once to stay focused. Now that the proverbial fat has been trimmed, I've got more time to focus on my education. I'm going to talk to Columbus State to see if I can keep at it and start taking classes on campus this fall. I've got to call them, explain the challenges that I had to face before that are now out of the way, and explain my dedication to trying again. Hopefully, they'll see that I'm not just some pimplefaced teen who was being lazy, and will let me continue.
The thing is that now is the time to invest in myself. I'm taking the leap to make the studio a full time operation. That's an investment in my own career. I should also invest in my education to make my life better in the long term. Aside from having financial aid as a fall back in my personal savings, it's a good idea because of the long term benefits that can come from an education. I know that, for most people, an education no longer guarantees you a job. However, as an entrepreneur, I'm picking up that torch for myself anyway. If I fail, it's my fault. My education should be focused on skills that will help me stay competitive in my chosen field, so I'm going to continue the marketing courses. But I may change my major entirely and focus it more along sharpening my media production skills. The marketing stuff is pretty boring, especially when taken online. I think if I take classes on campus, it'll be easier for me to retain the information. I'm a visual learner, not a book learner. My distance from campus impeded my ability to reasonably make it to class. Now that I'm in Columbus, hopefully it'll be much easier.
So fingers crossed that I can continue the goal of a higher education this fall. I'm taking the summer off, and will focus on building the business. But come hell or high water, I will find a way to be in the classroom in September.
The thing is that now is the time to invest in myself. I'm taking the leap to make the studio a full time operation. That's an investment in my own career. I should also invest in my education to make my life better in the long term. Aside from having financial aid as a fall back in my personal savings, it's a good idea because of the long term benefits that can come from an education. I know that, for most people, an education no longer guarantees you a job. However, as an entrepreneur, I'm picking up that torch for myself anyway. If I fail, it's my fault. My education should be focused on skills that will help me stay competitive in my chosen field, so I'm going to continue the marketing courses. But I may change my major entirely and focus it more along sharpening my media production skills. The marketing stuff is pretty boring, especially when taken online. I think if I take classes on campus, it'll be easier for me to retain the information. I'm a visual learner, not a book learner. My distance from campus impeded my ability to reasonably make it to class. Now that I'm in Columbus, hopefully it'll be much easier.
So fingers crossed that I can continue the goal of a higher education this fall. I'm taking the summer off, and will focus on building the business. But come hell or high water, I will find a way to be in the classroom in September.
Monday, June 4, 2012
4 Days In
I moved in with Laura and the kids on May 31st. It's now June 4th. The first day I was kinda feeling like a freeloader, but that feeling is starting to subside. I have some downtime on my hands while I'm waiting for the studio to be finished, and I can't work until then, so I'm trying to do my best to be the proverbial housewife. I've been cooking, cleaning, playing with the kids, ect. I'm pretty comfortable here at the moment.
But I know that Laura's got a lot on her plate. The studio move wouldn't be a possibility without her getting a full time job, which she has done. Being an autism mom, it's hard to keep a full time job. But now that I'm in the house, I'm trying to give her a break when I can. I hope I'll still be able to do so when I start scheduling studio clients, but we'll see what happens. I may have to set a certain set of hours and days that I'm available based on when she has to work and when her respite workers are here. We'll see.
Laura's job is in an environment where she cares for the mentally disabled. That's all I'll say here, because there are privacy concerns and that's all she's shared. But she has to play mom to two autistic teens at home, only to play caregiver to adults with similar struggles 40 hours each week. It's literally her entire life now. I admire the hell out of her, and I try to be strong and understanding when she gets stressed.
Being a woman in her position is going to be stressful. I'm in awe of her patience, and try to be the same way with the kids. I try to cut her a break on the housework, which seems to be endless with the girls thanks to autism, and try to give her what she had with me at my house in Marion…..a break.
Now that I live here, she has nowhere to go to get away from the house and decompress. Not that she doesn't love the kids, but you have to have some me time too. So I'm doing what I can to give that to her. After helping with the girls all afternoon and taking them grocery shopping with her, I could see that she was getting frustrated. She normally sleeps in the main room in case one of the girls wakes up in the night and decides to become active. The girls need 24-7 supervision, so Laura sleeps where she'll wake up if they get up. While I was moving my stuff in, I came in at 6:30 am with a load of stuff from Marion to find that Lotus had been awake since 1am and so had Laura. She had to work, and was exhausted, so I helped her get the girls ready for school and then helped Laura to bed for the few hours of sleep she'd get that morning.
Last night, I decided to take the couch because it was clear that Laura needed a chance to get a good night's sleep. I decided that not only would I let her sleep in the bed undisturbed, but that I'd stay up most of the night catching up on housework. I finally passed out at around 5am, but woke up at 7:30 because the girls were up and at em. School is out now, and Blaine doesn't show up till 3:00 pm. Laura had some errands to run. So I stayed up. I crashed for a few hours when Blaine got here to watch the girls.
I realize this may seem like I think I'm being this big amazing person by doing these big amazing things and that I want big amazing credit for helping this poor defenseless woman through an ordeal. That couldn't be further from the truth. I'm merely recounting what I'm doing to help the woman and family that I love. I don't want any special recognition. I'm just doing what I feel should be done for my future wife and kids.
But the alone time with the girls is giving me the chance to bond with them. I'm learning a lot of things about them that weren't so evident when I first met them. I've grown to love them, and to care about their well being. I've learned to take the challenges Autism can bring in stride, because someone has to do it.
I still want to get the studio up and running as soon as is reasonably possible. But I am enjoying the downtime with the girls. I'm no longer feeling like a freeloader, but rather like I belong here.
But I know that Laura's got a lot on her plate. The studio move wouldn't be a possibility without her getting a full time job, which she has done. Being an autism mom, it's hard to keep a full time job. But now that I'm in the house, I'm trying to give her a break when I can. I hope I'll still be able to do so when I start scheduling studio clients, but we'll see what happens. I may have to set a certain set of hours and days that I'm available based on when she has to work and when her respite workers are here. We'll see.
Laura's job is in an environment where she cares for the mentally disabled. That's all I'll say here, because there are privacy concerns and that's all she's shared. But she has to play mom to two autistic teens at home, only to play caregiver to adults with similar struggles 40 hours each week. It's literally her entire life now. I admire the hell out of her, and I try to be strong and understanding when she gets stressed.
Being a woman in her position is going to be stressful. I'm in awe of her patience, and try to be the same way with the kids. I try to cut her a break on the housework, which seems to be endless with the girls thanks to autism, and try to give her what she had with me at my house in Marion…..a break.
Now that I live here, she has nowhere to go to get away from the house and decompress. Not that she doesn't love the kids, but you have to have some me time too. So I'm doing what I can to give that to her. After helping with the girls all afternoon and taking them grocery shopping with her, I could see that she was getting frustrated. She normally sleeps in the main room in case one of the girls wakes up in the night and decides to become active. The girls need 24-7 supervision, so Laura sleeps where she'll wake up if they get up. While I was moving my stuff in, I came in at 6:30 am with a load of stuff from Marion to find that Lotus had been awake since 1am and so had Laura. She had to work, and was exhausted, so I helped her get the girls ready for school and then helped Laura to bed for the few hours of sleep she'd get that morning.
Last night, I decided to take the couch because it was clear that Laura needed a chance to get a good night's sleep. I decided that not only would I let her sleep in the bed undisturbed, but that I'd stay up most of the night catching up on housework. I finally passed out at around 5am, but woke up at 7:30 because the girls were up and at em. School is out now, and Blaine doesn't show up till 3:00 pm. Laura had some errands to run. So I stayed up. I crashed for a few hours when Blaine got here to watch the girls.
I realize this may seem like I think I'm being this big amazing person by doing these big amazing things and that I want big amazing credit for helping this poor defenseless woman through an ordeal. That couldn't be further from the truth. I'm merely recounting what I'm doing to help the woman and family that I love. I don't want any special recognition. I'm just doing what I feel should be done for my future wife and kids.
But the alone time with the girls is giving me the chance to bond with them. I'm learning a lot of things about them that weren't so evident when I first met them. I've grown to love them, and to care about their well being. I've learned to take the challenges Autism can bring in stride, because someone has to do it.
I still want to get the studio up and running as soon as is reasonably possible. But I am enjoying the downtime with the girls. I'm no longer feeling like a freeloader, but rather like I belong here.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Frailty
Everything a person has can be forever altered by the actions of another. I've learned that lesson in spades over the last 24 months. It's led me to appreciate what I have, because nothing is finite. Everything is frail. All it takes is a small misstep, and it all can come crumbling away.
I don't want to go through that again. I lost everything I had and everything I was in early 2011. I went rather crazy with it, and treated the woman I now want to make my wife like a disposable piece of trash. I wounded her deeply, and played games with her. I try very hard to make amends, but I do not deserve her. I never will after what I've done to her.
But I am no longer in my dark insanity. I treat her like the beautiful loving woman she is, and I treat her how I truly feel she deserves to be treated. I try to remind her often that I love her more than life itself, and that those days have been behind me for some time. But I was afraid that with the move stirring up ghosts of my own pain from last year, that it might also stir them up in her.
I'm happy to be moving in with her. I want to make her my wife, and I want to be a father to her kids. But I know it's all in her hands. I know I only have what I have today because of her. I'd still be in Marion without her. I wouldn't have a family of my own without her. I wouldn't be able to move to a new studio without her. I wouldn't have a best friend without her. I wouldn't be happy without her. I wouldn't be able to live without her.
But all that I have is in her hands. I need to never forget that fact. I was happy in my previous long term relationship, but she wasn't. I was selfish, and she took it all away. I was selfish and a major dickhead to Laura last year, and will never ever ever deserve to be with her. But she says she wants to marry me, and I'm thrilled by that to no end! Yet, there is this thought in the back of my head that says "you may have her, but you scarred her! You'll never be good enough for her!" And that voice is speaking the truth. I'll never deserve her. I always need to remember that at an moment what I have with her could come crashing down. My life is in her hands.
So while she suffers with the pain and anger of my past mistakes, I'll suffer with the endless regret and anger and pain of my past mistakes. I'll suffer knowing that I made it this way. I'll suffer knowing that I deserve nothing less. But I'll honor her until the day that I die.
Despite everything I've put you through, I'll always love you Laura. I get sick when I think about you hurting, knowing that I caused it. I feel selfish expecting you to love me back. But I need you to know that you mean everything to me.
Everything.
I don't want to go through that again. I lost everything I had and everything I was in early 2011. I went rather crazy with it, and treated the woman I now want to make my wife like a disposable piece of trash. I wounded her deeply, and played games with her. I try very hard to make amends, but I do not deserve her. I never will after what I've done to her.
But I am no longer in my dark insanity. I treat her like the beautiful loving woman she is, and I treat her how I truly feel she deserves to be treated. I try to remind her often that I love her more than life itself, and that those days have been behind me for some time. But I was afraid that with the move stirring up ghosts of my own pain from last year, that it might also stir them up in her.
I'm happy to be moving in with her. I want to make her my wife, and I want to be a father to her kids. But I know it's all in her hands. I know I only have what I have today because of her. I'd still be in Marion without her. I wouldn't have a family of my own without her. I wouldn't be able to move to a new studio without her. I wouldn't have a best friend without her. I wouldn't be happy without her. I wouldn't be able to live without her.
But all that I have is in her hands. I need to never forget that fact. I was happy in my previous long term relationship, but she wasn't. I was selfish, and she took it all away. I was selfish and a major dickhead to Laura last year, and will never ever ever deserve to be with her. But she says she wants to marry me, and I'm thrilled by that to no end! Yet, there is this thought in the back of my head that says "you may have her, but you scarred her! You'll never be good enough for her!" And that voice is speaking the truth. I'll never deserve her. I always need to remember that at an moment what I have with her could come crashing down. My life is in her hands.
So while she suffers with the pain and anger of my past mistakes, I'll suffer with the endless regret and anger and pain of my past mistakes. I'll suffer knowing that I made it this way. I'll suffer knowing that I deserve nothing less. But I'll honor her until the day that I die.
Despite everything I've put you through, I'll always love you Laura. I get sick when I think about you hurting, knowing that I caused it. I feel selfish expecting you to love me back. But I need you to know that you mean everything to me.
Everything.
Past
The things I did last year keep coming up to bite me in the ass. I fully deserve it, but still wish it would just bury itself and let me be happy. It would seem that this isn't going to happen anytime soon. I still wouldn't trade what I have for anything in the world, I am however cursed with the knowledge that I've tainted what I have, possibly forever.
Penance is a bitch.
It's like I just want to take the person I was and pistol whip him. I want to take so many things back.
Penance is a bitch.
It's like I just want to take the person I was and pistol whip him. I want to take so many things back.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Admiration and appreciation.
In my opinion, to know Laura is to love Laura. I love Laura, and plan to make her my wife one day soon. But even though we've been engaged for a couple of months now and we're about to move in together, she never ceases to amaze me. Yes, I'm doing some praising in this post, but it's not because I want her to read it and get all gushy (if she read it, she'd laugh at me....)
But she's showing me just how strong a woman can be. I look at her, and I see a beautiful mother who has the unique challenge of raising developmentally challenged twin teenage daughters. This is a tough task, and even though it's easy to get frustrated in a situation like this, she handles her daughters with the most grace of any woman I've ever met.
Last week, I wasn't as graceful. I'm new to autism, I'll admit, but I had to get the girls on the bus and Celest had a fit that morning. Laura had to go to work, and the bus was on a two hour delay, so I was alone with the girls to make sure they got on the bus. Celest had a fit that morning, and I got flustered. I tried to handle them as graciously as I see Laura handle them, but after the bus came and took them to school I was frustrated.
I know Laura gets frustrated. ALL parents get frustrated. But despite this, I know that this fit was mild compared to what it could have been. It's the most I've had to deal with, but it's been worse for Laura. I look at how much grace she handles the girls with, and it makes me wanna man up. Situations like last week are gonna happen, and I need to be prepared for the fact that one day it's gonna hit the fan.
Warning: This paragraph will be cheesy. I taste the cheddar just thinking it, and my fingers are covered in cheese powder typing it.
Some people get through their challenges by asking what Jesus would do. It may not be Jesus, it may be someone they look up to and admire. Well, for me, that person would be Laura. I look at how she handles the girls, and although she's had 13 years of experience with them and I'm the noob, I know that even in the tough times she would not break her stride. She'll call me a liar, but I see infinite love and patience in that woman.
I want to be that for the girls.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm using Laura as a role model for the type of person I want to be when dealing with our daughters. It still feels weird to call them my daughters, even though it warms my heart to know that I'll be a part of my very own family soon. They will be my daughters, and her my wife. I want the very best for my new family. I've still got a lot to learn about autism from my new family, but I know that I can handle it too. Laura's done a great job over the last 13 years. I need to be able to do the same.
But she's showing me just how strong a woman can be. I look at her, and I see a beautiful mother who has the unique challenge of raising developmentally challenged twin teenage daughters. This is a tough task, and even though it's easy to get frustrated in a situation like this, she handles her daughters with the most grace of any woman I've ever met.
Last week, I wasn't as graceful. I'm new to autism, I'll admit, but I had to get the girls on the bus and Celest had a fit that morning. Laura had to go to work, and the bus was on a two hour delay, so I was alone with the girls to make sure they got on the bus. Celest had a fit that morning, and I got flustered. I tried to handle them as graciously as I see Laura handle them, but after the bus came and took them to school I was frustrated.
I know Laura gets frustrated. ALL parents get frustrated. But despite this, I know that this fit was mild compared to what it could have been. It's the most I've had to deal with, but it's been worse for Laura. I look at how much grace she handles the girls with, and it makes me wanna man up. Situations like last week are gonna happen, and I need to be prepared for the fact that one day it's gonna hit the fan.
Warning: This paragraph will be cheesy. I taste the cheddar just thinking it, and my fingers are covered in cheese powder typing it.
Some people get through their challenges by asking what Jesus would do. It may not be Jesus, it may be someone they look up to and admire. Well, for me, that person would be Laura. I look at how she handles the girls, and although she's had 13 years of experience with them and I'm the noob, I know that even in the tough times she would not break her stride. She'll call me a liar, but I see infinite love and patience in that woman.
I want to be that for the girls.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm using Laura as a role model for the type of person I want to be when dealing with our daughters. It still feels weird to call them my daughters, even though it warms my heart to know that I'll be a part of my very own family soon. They will be my daughters, and her my wife. I want the very best for my new family. I've still got a lot to learn about autism from my new family, but I know that I can handle it too. Laura's done a great job over the last 13 years. I need to be able to do the same.
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