Baring it all.

Now and then, I wonder what people think of the fact that I bare my soul, every bit of it, for the world to read on my blog. I talk about things that some people in my life would prefer not to discuss. It makes them uncomfortable. Well, that's their problem. And if you think that's about you, it could be. It's about many people though, and not one individual.

At any rate, I'm no longer a depressed person like I was when I rekindled this blog to record my thoughts as I dealt with my life coming apart at the seams. I'm actually a pretty happy person. Most of my posts are about happy things. But since I'm not so depressive anymore, I feel weird posting to the blog when I'm not feeling that great. It's almost like I wanna hide that part of me.

But I know what hiding that part of me will lead to. I've done that before. This blog was rekindled as a way of helping me sort out thoughts and feelings. There's plenty of sadness in these posts. Why should I feel ashamed of posting current sadness here? It makes no sense.

It's still kinda weird baring it all to a blog for the world to read. But this is something I feel I need now to keep myself in order.

Besides, if my thoughts ever make you uncomfortable, that's your problem.

Triggers

I'm wondering how much longer I'm going to have to deal with some old wounds. When something happens, it seems to just pile up on top of the other things that have happened, and make me feel like it's all somehow a cumulative result of everything put together. This happened when Olive passed away, and it's happening again. George, my ferret, is either passing away, or has passed away. I couldn't stick around to watch him go, but he was pretty much there when I left him last night.

I've had him for about 7 years, and he was nearing the end of his life. Fortunately, he lived a long happy one, but unfortunately I truly believe he was in pain near the end. That's never a comfortable feeling to know, especially when you can't really afford a vet visit anymore...

...which is one of the many tie in's to everything that's gone wrong over the last two years. I'm still piecing my life together, and am about to leave all the shattered pieces that were leftover behind me once and for all. I'll be moving out of the house Sarah and I moved into in Marion. Olive is gone. George is pretty much there. She took the furniture and most of the possessions we shared, and now I no longer care much for possessions. The friendship we tried to maintain has been eroded away. It's all gone. But even though I no longer sit around and pine for the past and what I've lost (I'm very happy with the direction my life is heading now, and I have not much to complain about anymore. Life is stabilizing finally...), the things that are still there seem to be reminders when something happens. For example, George passing away.....

We got him together. He moved from Columbus to Indiana to Colorado and then to Marion with us. And now it doesn't look like he'll be joining me on the next leg of my life.

I think the thing that's getting to me the most is how appropriate this seems in some ways. It's almost like life is telling me that I'm not going to move forward with anything from my past, and I need to just let it go. The only pet we shared that I still am acquainted with is my bitchy crazy cat Ciela. I'm glad she's still here, she's been a big comfort during some of my desperate lonely times last year.




The other cooky cat we had in the house, Pingu, now lives with Sarah. I never see Pingu anymore. So that piece of my life is gone too.

It just seems like no matter how hard I've tried to piece my life together, and no matter how hard I've tried to just hold on to some things, they've all just been slowly peeling away over the last two years. Everything.

.....and she wonders why I didn't deal with it well.....but I digress.

I wish George had made it out of Marion in good health. I truly hate that town in some ways. I feel sorry for it in others, because I feel that it represents a dream that failed for many people. But I feel like I'm a prisoner there. I'm looking forward to my exit asap. I wish George had been able to exit with me, but I'm glad he's not suffering anymore and I'm glad he's making it out of Marion one way or another.

So here I sit, listening to my favorite Pandora station. It plays soft female fronted music, often with pianos and lots of emotion. This type of music isn't good when you're sad. It's almost like country music to me, only unlike Country I can actually listen to it and respect it. But it keeps me feeling sad during times like this, and times like this just send me back through all the things that I've been through over the last 2 years. What fun, evidently I love to torture myself.

Rest in peace George.

Moving!

At this point, it looks more likely than not that I'll get the space in Grove City for the studio! I go to sign the lease on Monday, and deliver the deposit (thank you Uncle Rick), and then we go over construction details so the contractor can get started! To say that I'm excited would be a massive understatement.

This should all be ready for me to move into on June 1st. If that stays true, Skyline Sound Studios shouldn't need much downtime. (Enough time to move out of the old, and enough time to move into the new and get set up). Once it's all set up, and has been beta tested (may throw a free track at a friend to test things out in the new space, preferably a rock band so I can test noise levels and isolation), I'm considering an open house. This would be where I'm on the premises all day, and people can come in and out all day to view the space. Hopefully this would lead to some bookings, but even if all it does is increase awareness, I'm good.

The cheesy sentimental side of my brain is wanting to commemorate this event. It'll be my first commercial facility that isn't in a house that I happen to be also living in. It'll be a space whose sole purpose would be for audio production, and it would be in a  professional environment! This would be huge for me! So the sentimental cheesy side of my brain is envisioning a ribbon cutting ceremony or a smashed bottle on the building to launch the studio. If nothing else, it would make a great memory for me to look back on and provide a photo op, so we'll see.

At any rate, things are looking up. I'm excited to get into the space, and can't wait to see it develop over the next month!

Marion Ohio………..SUCK IT!

Attitude

So here I sit, waiting for a mix to finish processing, and I'm taking a moment to reflect on myself and my attitude.

Laura's suggested that I'm starting to sound agitated in my interactions to people. She's not the only one who's ever said this to me, I've been told it throughout my life. But now I feel like it's casting a negative impression to my clients, my friends, and my colleagues.

So I'm gonna try to work on my attitude. I guess that means I should stop doing things that put me in an easily agitated state.

I should eat first thing in the morning, rather than wait til 4 in the afternoon when my stomach is ready to kill me.

I should listen to when my head is telling me to quit listening to a mix and take an ear break

I should listen to when my eyes are telling me to quit staring at a computer screen

I should get a decent night's sleep

I have noticed that it's been easier and easier for me to become agitated, and I don't like it. I need to do something to keep it under control, because it's not anyone's fault. I could really hurt some feelings, or even possibly lose a client, so it's really important that I get it under wraps.

Maybe I should take up yoga?

Or maybe I don't bang out my stresses enough on my guitar?

Whatever it is, it's time it stopped.

Excitement…..

Excitement…..

I'm getting my hopes up, and that could be devastating. I'm really trying to reel it in, but I'm also stoked. I just got off the phone with the rental agency, and I could be in business in Columbus as early as June 1st!

I've got to come up with a deposit, while paying for May's rent in Marion. That's gonna be tough, but I'll do my best to make it work. Laura has suggested trying to help me make it work, and now I'm excited and humbled.

I feel like everything is finally lining up in my life to be where and how it should be, and that I have loving people in my life who are trying to make my life's goals come true.

I feel pretty amazing right now.

The future.

The future can be many things. It can be a long distant destination that is far from sight. It can be a monumental change that's just around the corner. It can be longed for, wished away, and many other things. But one thing it never will be…….certain.

The future is never certain. Will I be able to focus on my education? Will I win the lotto? Will I be able to hold down a full time job under these circumstances? Will the job get in the way of my other priorities? Will I be a success? Will I watch in horror as my dreams crash and burn?

There's no way to know what's to come. I myself am facing a very big change in the coming 6 weeks. I'm moving in with Laura, and this will pose a myriad of questions and circumstances that are scary to me. For instance:

I'll have to close the studio temporarily. Will I be able to re-open it in a timely manner in a new location?

Will I be able to adapt to living with two teenage girls with Autism?

Will I be able to find a job when I get there?

Will being close to her all the time bring us closer, or tear us apart?

The thing is…..nothing is ever certain. The only thing you can ever do is take a chance on what you know your heart wants. My heart wants this family. My heart wants to get the hell out of Marion. My heart wants to be a provider to Lotus and Celest. My heart wants to help make Laura's life easier. My heart wants Laura to always be in my life.

And so, since I know what my heart wants, the only thing that I can be assured of is the uncertainty ahead.

But since I know what my heart wants, there's no reason to hold myself back from trying to make those wants into a reality for me and my new family.

Phase 3 revisited - Getting the HELL out of Marion!

I wrote about Phase 3 of my life's reconstruction on February 1st. Later that day, I got laid off, and Phase 3 was put on hold. But now, thanks to a loving fiance and ambitions of building a better life for both of us, Phase 3 is back in action!


Phase 3 - Get the HELL out of Marion!


I've grown increasingly frustrated at how much being left in this town has held me back. I didn't' wanna move here, but was told that we should because someone else thought it would be easier on them. That person left me here to make things easier on them, and didn't give me any reasonable options for getting out of here. I've struggled with being stuck here since then, and grew kinda desperate at times. But now it seems that I have been given an olive branch.

Laura's mission is to get me out of Marion by August. That may come sooner than that, in all likelihood, as my unemployment ends in less than 2 weeks and I'll not be able to pay rent once the money I have saved is exhausted. It's hard enough getting clients to drive to Marion from Columbus, and Marion just doesn't have a music scene that's able to sustain my business. So with little business coming to Marion, and money reserves drying up, it's time to make some serious changes.

It's go time.

So here's the plan. Laura and I have decided to move in together. The studio would be minimized to a mobile operation while I'm getting set up in a new location, but the goal is to rent a location and set up shop there. This would ideally be a warehouse, but it could also be a home in the Columbus area. I've found some warehouses on the east side of Columbus for roughly the same money I'm paying to rent my current space in Marion. Regardless of it's new setting, it wouldn't be ideal to set up in the home Laura and I will soon share. But the good thing is that having my own dedicated space means that the studio would be a more professional environment. It would be it's own space, and it would make it easier to keep my home life and my work life separate

The living situation would work well too. I could work part time to fund the new studio's location, while being left with enough to pay the shared bills. The bills would be a lot cheaper combined than they are solo, and it just makes sense. I've already proposed, she said yes. There's no reason not to move in with her.

I feel rather humbled knowing that my fiance is in this to help me succeed. It's an amazing feeling knowing that someone is looking out for me, and I hope I can return the favor one day. So things are looking up, and there's some positive changes coming to my life over the summer of 2012. This will be my year, and I'm excited.