For privacy reasons, I will not go into detail. However, I will say that life at home is about to become a little more stressful. This is not a bad thing, but it will be frustrating at times.
What I will say is that there are certain behaviors that my step daughters with autism both have. The behavior specialist has observed these behaviors, and indicated what the solution will be. While we're waiting for the formally written behavior plan, I already know what's in store. It's going to be all hands on deck, and potentially very frustrating.
But this is what is needed, so I've got to bring my A-game. This is for the good of my girls, and I will do what is needed. Time to work.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
The more you know...
When I started my 5.5 year plan almost 2 years ago, I had a long way to go. I've come a long way, but the further I come the more I learn. The more I learn, the more I evaluate. I thought I was so smart then with my plan, although looking back I didn't really have a plan. I merely had a destination, and was guessing along the way how to get there.
I now have some of the tools needed to make this a plan instead of just a destination without direction. I don't have them all, I'm working on that though. For instance, I'm in school.
About that. The more I learn about money and interest rates, the more I feel like I'm wasting my time taking out student loans to get a second degree in what I'm already doing. I own two small media businesses, and I'm bored in school already. I haven't even made it to the media labs, but the storyboarding class just has me not interested.
But in one class I've been a very attentive student. This class has me geeking out on the course topic in ways that I used to geek out about media production. This is because the information learned in this class can help me and my family in the long term, and it just seems like a good direction to go in considering my current interest level.
I'm talking about Finance. The class is Personal Finance 101, and it has me absorbing finance materials outside of class. I've even become a regular listener to the Dave Ramsey show!
So I'm considering changing course to get a Finance degree. After all, if I learn more about finance, it can help me with my business endeavors and help me learn how to grow my finances for my family. It just seems like a no brainer right now.
So I've got some thinking to do. Time to discuss it with Laura in depth and make a decision together about what I should do, as that's the way I like to make decisions in this relationship. We're in it together, so my new ventures impact her. We're equal, we're family. It's for this family that I consider this change. So we'll see what happens.
I now have some of the tools needed to make this a plan instead of just a destination without direction. I don't have them all, I'm working on that though. For instance, I'm in school.
About that. The more I learn about money and interest rates, the more I feel like I'm wasting my time taking out student loans to get a second degree in what I'm already doing. I own two small media businesses, and I'm bored in school already. I haven't even made it to the media labs, but the storyboarding class just has me not interested.
But in one class I've been a very attentive student. This class has me geeking out on the course topic in ways that I used to geek out about media production. This is because the information learned in this class can help me and my family in the long term, and it just seems like a good direction to go in considering my current interest level.
I'm talking about Finance. The class is Personal Finance 101, and it has me absorbing finance materials outside of class. I've even become a regular listener to the Dave Ramsey show!
So I'm considering changing course to get a Finance degree. After all, if I learn more about finance, it can help me with my business endeavors and help me learn how to grow my finances for my family. It just seems like a no brainer right now.
So I've got some thinking to do. Time to discuss it with Laura in depth and make a decision together about what I should do, as that's the way I like to make decisions in this relationship. We're in it together, so my new ventures impact her. We're equal, we're family. It's for this family that I consider this change. So we'll see what happens.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
No Place To Hide...
I'm finding myself overloaded. No one to take the load from me, they have too heavy a burden themselves. No one to tell me where to put it, they don't understand it to know what to do with it. No one to give me any direction whatsoever. There is someone who I know would give her everything to help, but as I said, she has too heavy a burden herself.
So what effect is this having on me?
I'm scatterbrained. My Adult ADD is kicking it up into hyperdrive. I can't focus. I find myself pacing the house trying to get my brain to work, which reminds me of a child with autism pacing the house because he can't think of anything better to do. I have things that I get really excited about, and when I get my brain able to focus on them, my brain goes into hyperdrive on them. But then when my brain is distracted from them, it can't grab hold of anything else coherent. So I turn to netflix and Xbox 360 to give my brain a chance to unwind and decompress…
Problem is…that kind of downtime is detrimental to a father of two teenagers who have autism, a full time student on academic probation, a former business partner in the midst of an ugly contract dispute, a full time caregiver to two young adults who have autism who are not my children, and an owner of two small businesses.
…and that only compounds my scatterbrained-ness. Add the pressures of the above lifestyle to my brain wanting to detach, and you have a person longing to get away for some serious decompression. My brain just doesn't wanna do it anymore. My brain is craving a few days to just get away from everything that troubles me and relax in the woods. But I can't have that. I need to bust my ass right now to get to the other side of this trench…and while I'm here, my brain is making the challenge even more difficult.
Fun times, for sure. We'll see how long I can keep up with myself here.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Lost
I'm feeling overwhelmed and confused.
I can't exactly explain it. But then, that's why I write blogs. They are an attempt to sort through my baggage, after all, so what better place to figure out what might be bugging me than here.
I made a visit to a mental health facility in Central Ohio today. My intent was to seek treatment for Adult ADD that has been self medicated by caffiene for 12 years now. I also wanted to see if there was anything else going on, as I feel like I may be suffering from anxiety and depression issues that have gone unresolved.
So I go to the clinic. It's a free service that is designed to ensure the community has access to mental healthcare. Wow, what a fun place to be (sarcasm). I won't talk about what I saw, because that's someone elses privacy, but since the facility also offers drug counceling it's a pretty safe bet that some of those in the waiting room had some severe problems they were trying to address. It just makes me worry about the segment of the population that ISN'T seeking treatment, and how bad things might be for them.
So I'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting...then my name gets called and I go back to speak to someone about why I'm there. They do a 20-30 minute questionaire, then send me back out to the waiting room to await a 2 hour assessment. But by 1:00 I knew I couldn't stay for it, so I left and told them I'd be back the next week.
This seems like a bad system. It seems really difficult to get treatment through this system. If those who need treatment but can't afford it themselves have to go through a ton of hoops to be treated, then no wonder the rate of poor people who are mentally handicapped is so high! It was very frustrating. Think of all those who have gone as far as I did today, then left and never came back?!
So I'm frustrated about that. But I'm also frustrated by other things. Laura's in pain in her abdomen. We suspected kidney stones, which she was diagnosed as having, but they determined that her pain was not caused by kidney stones. She's feeling worse and worse, and her spirits are dipping down as it takes longer and longer to get answers.
Meanwhile, my own puppy-dog like need for approval kicks in when I see her in a bad mood due to her pain. My head knows she's in pain and doesn't feel well. My brain tries to tell me lies, like that she's closing herself off to me and that she's mad at me. I know these things aren't the case, but the worry is so real that it's getting me pretty down. My worries go as far as making me feel that there's a division between the two of us, and all because she's not been open and receptive to my demands for affection.
This tells me that I've got other issues to settle with regard to my own mental health. I know logically that her seeming distance is indicative of her pain level and not indicative of how she feels about me. But I also am going crazy and on the verge of locking myself in a dark room while playing emo goth music like I did as a teen when I was down, and my brain is screaming for her to come and comfort me. I know I can't have that right now, so my head panicks and worries that she's drifting away from me.
It's an endless cycle.
Then there's work. CLMastering.com is off to a slow, albiet profitable, start. The studio, meanwhile, is a money pit that causes me stress. I get stressed at times at my job as a PDP provider, as it can easily be a place where one minute things are fine and the next minute all hell has broken loose.
The prospect of working 30+ hours each week while going to school and trying to run two small businesses seems daunting enough. Factor in me trying to control my frustration when dealing with an unruly teen who has autism, and upcoming obligations of my time from a business deal I am trying to get out of, and you can see that things aren't all that pretty on fantasy island right now.
So maybe that's why I feel lost. Admittedly I've taken on quite a lot, and perhaps I've taken on too much. But at 32 and being broke with two special needs teens to look after, I don't feel that I have any other option. I have a lot to do to get where I want to go.
Celest asked me recently to take her to see mountains.
As soon as I can sweetheart. As soon as I can.
I can't exactly explain it. But then, that's why I write blogs. They are an attempt to sort through my baggage, after all, so what better place to figure out what might be bugging me than here.
I made a visit to a mental health facility in Central Ohio today. My intent was to seek treatment for Adult ADD that has been self medicated by caffiene for 12 years now. I also wanted to see if there was anything else going on, as I feel like I may be suffering from anxiety and depression issues that have gone unresolved.
So I go to the clinic. It's a free service that is designed to ensure the community has access to mental healthcare. Wow, what a fun place to be (sarcasm). I won't talk about what I saw, because that's someone elses privacy, but since the facility also offers drug counceling it's a pretty safe bet that some of those in the waiting room had some severe problems they were trying to address. It just makes me worry about the segment of the population that ISN'T seeking treatment, and how bad things might be for them.
So I'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting...then my name gets called and I go back to speak to someone about why I'm there. They do a 20-30 minute questionaire, then send me back out to the waiting room to await a 2 hour assessment. But by 1:00 I knew I couldn't stay for it, so I left and told them I'd be back the next week.
This seems like a bad system. It seems really difficult to get treatment through this system. If those who need treatment but can't afford it themselves have to go through a ton of hoops to be treated, then no wonder the rate of poor people who are mentally handicapped is so high! It was very frustrating. Think of all those who have gone as far as I did today, then left and never came back?!
So I'm frustrated about that. But I'm also frustrated by other things. Laura's in pain in her abdomen. We suspected kidney stones, which she was diagnosed as having, but they determined that her pain was not caused by kidney stones. She's feeling worse and worse, and her spirits are dipping down as it takes longer and longer to get answers.
Meanwhile, my own puppy-dog like need for approval kicks in when I see her in a bad mood due to her pain. My head knows she's in pain and doesn't feel well. My brain tries to tell me lies, like that she's closing herself off to me and that she's mad at me. I know these things aren't the case, but the worry is so real that it's getting me pretty down. My worries go as far as making me feel that there's a division between the two of us, and all because she's not been open and receptive to my demands for affection.
This tells me that I've got other issues to settle with regard to my own mental health. I know logically that her seeming distance is indicative of her pain level and not indicative of how she feels about me. But I also am going crazy and on the verge of locking myself in a dark room while playing emo goth music like I did as a teen when I was down, and my brain is screaming for her to come and comfort me. I know I can't have that right now, so my head panicks and worries that she's drifting away from me.
It's an endless cycle.
Then there's work. CLMastering.com is off to a slow, albiet profitable, start. The studio, meanwhile, is a money pit that causes me stress. I get stressed at times at my job as a PDP provider, as it can easily be a place where one minute things are fine and the next minute all hell has broken loose.
The prospect of working 30+ hours each week while going to school and trying to run two small businesses seems daunting enough. Factor in me trying to control my frustration when dealing with an unruly teen who has autism, and upcoming obligations of my time from a business deal I am trying to get out of, and you can see that things aren't all that pretty on fantasy island right now.
So maybe that's why I feel lost. Admittedly I've taken on quite a lot, and perhaps I've taken on too much. But at 32 and being broke with two special needs teens to look after, I don't feel that I have any other option. I have a lot to do to get where I want to go.
Celest asked me recently to take her to see mountains.
As soon as I can sweetheart. As soon as I can.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Getting back on track. Lessons learned, and moving on.
I'm getting a steady paycheck once again! It's a great feeling knowing that I'll be able to easily keep my bills paid and get my 5 year plan back on solid financial footing. It was a scary ride, quite stressful, and some things fell away during it all. But that was 2012. This is 2013. I'm working hard to make 2013 my bitch.
Now that I've received a little bit of pay, I'm trying to focus on getting my bills paid back down. When I started 2012, I had just paid off a credit card and only had one left. I left the paid off card open so I'd have an emergency credit line, and used that to replace a vital piece of studio gear in the spring. My finances weren't stable enough to justify that cost, and a $500 purchase turned into a $700 credit card bill that was $200 over limit. The account was closed by the bank to prevent it from growing any higher, and I was given a $15-month payment plan to pay it off. It'd take me 4 years at that minimum, but that's all I've been able to do for a few months now.
But now that I've got steady income again, it's time to get all of that out of the way. I'm actually excited right now! 2012 was full of bad habits that I was forced into in one way or another. For example, with the studio only breaking even and other ventures not getting any returns yet, I found myself forced to wait til the absolute last minute to pay my phone bill. Just as I was about to get the money to pay it, it would get disconnected, and I'd get a $50 fee for that month. This happened almost monthly, I swear I think AT&T is psychic and knew what day to cut me so they could get the fee that month.
Today, I paid it before it got cut off! Today, it all turns around! I've still got a mountain to climb, but the expedition team was gathered when I got the new day job. The last month was spent preparing for the climb, and today we started off toward base camp #1.
It's just a shame that things went the way they did with some of my plans last year. Feelings were hurt, friendships damaged, and I doubt that'll ever be able to mend. I just wish those affected understood why things have been so hard for me and why I did the things i did. I'm not trying to play the victim here, but the only one walking in my shoes was me. The only one who sees it the way I do was me. They see it from their perspective, and that's the way it goes. Nothing I can do about it.
So now that I've taken the steps necessary to reclaim my financial future, let's outline some of the challenges directly ahead. I've got rent to pay at Skyline Sound Studios, and a damaged car to diagnose and repair. I'm going to need to budget very very very carefully, and file my tax return asap, if I'm gonna get over this hurdle quickly. But the beautiful thing is that once I get over it in the next couple of months, things still won't be easy but they will be easier than they are now by quite a big margin.
Regarding budgeting very very very carefully, that's tough. I've got a little sum of money right now to apply to my expenses, and there's a compulsion in me to start paying down certain liabilities with it right now since I know I have it. But that's not realistic, as I have to ensure those car repairs and that rent for the studio are paid for. Then I have to pay for certain business related expenses that are owed to other parties. It's not going to be easy, it's going to be very very very tight. But I have to refrain from spending money unless not doing so will cost me more money.
The general reason for this particular blog entry is the fact that the expedition has left once again for the mountain top. I'm excited as hell about that! It's been way too tight for way too long, and it's about time something changed. But the universal factor in all of that was me. It wasn't changing because I was thinking too short term in some respects. I took a chance, but didn't calculate all of the risks of that chance. I paid for that miscalculation, and fortunately it didn't do enough damage to completely de-rail me. But that's the learning curve in business (and no, I'm not referring to the damaged friendships I mentioned above, for a certain someone who is likely reading this). It's about calculated risk, and I miscalculated. It was tough, and I'm rebounding. Time to take the lessons learned from my failures in ALL aspects last year and apply them to a more successful and profitable 2013!
2013...yeah, I'm hittin' that!
Now that I've received a little bit of pay, I'm trying to focus on getting my bills paid back down. When I started 2012, I had just paid off a credit card and only had one left. I left the paid off card open so I'd have an emergency credit line, and used that to replace a vital piece of studio gear in the spring. My finances weren't stable enough to justify that cost, and a $500 purchase turned into a $700 credit card bill that was $200 over limit. The account was closed by the bank to prevent it from growing any higher, and I was given a $15-month payment plan to pay it off. It'd take me 4 years at that minimum, but that's all I've been able to do for a few months now.
But now that I've got steady income again, it's time to get all of that out of the way. I'm actually excited right now! 2012 was full of bad habits that I was forced into in one way or another. For example, with the studio only breaking even and other ventures not getting any returns yet, I found myself forced to wait til the absolute last minute to pay my phone bill. Just as I was about to get the money to pay it, it would get disconnected, and I'd get a $50 fee for that month. This happened almost monthly, I swear I think AT&T is psychic and knew what day to cut me so they could get the fee that month.
Today, I paid it before it got cut off! Today, it all turns around! I've still got a mountain to climb, but the expedition team was gathered when I got the new day job. The last month was spent preparing for the climb, and today we started off toward base camp #1.
It's just a shame that things went the way they did with some of my plans last year. Feelings were hurt, friendships damaged, and I doubt that'll ever be able to mend. I just wish those affected understood why things have been so hard for me and why I did the things i did. I'm not trying to play the victim here, but the only one walking in my shoes was me. The only one who sees it the way I do was me. They see it from their perspective, and that's the way it goes. Nothing I can do about it.
So now that I've taken the steps necessary to reclaim my financial future, let's outline some of the challenges directly ahead. I've got rent to pay at Skyline Sound Studios, and a damaged car to diagnose and repair. I'm going to need to budget very very very carefully, and file my tax return asap, if I'm gonna get over this hurdle quickly. But the beautiful thing is that once I get over it in the next couple of months, things still won't be easy but they will be easier than they are now by quite a big margin.
Regarding budgeting very very very carefully, that's tough. I've got a little sum of money right now to apply to my expenses, and there's a compulsion in me to start paying down certain liabilities with it right now since I know I have it. But that's not realistic, as I have to ensure those car repairs and that rent for the studio are paid for. Then I have to pay for certain business related expenses that are owed to other parties. It's not going to be easy, it's going to be very very very tight. But I have to refrain from spending money unless not doing so will cost me more money.
The general reason for this particular blog entry is the fact that the expedition has left once again for the mountain top. I'm excited as hell about that! It's been way too tight for way too long, and it's about time something changed. But the universal factor in all of that was me. It wasn't changing because I was thinking too short term in some respects. I took a chance, but didn't calculate all of the risks of that chance. I paid for that miscalculation, and fortunately it didn't do enough damage to completely de-rail me. But that's the learning curve in business (and no, I'm not referring to the damaged friendships I mentioned above, for a certain someone who is likely reading this). It's about calculated risk, and I miscalculated. It was tough, and I'm rebounding. Time to take the lessons learned from my failures in ALL aspects last year and apply them to a more successful and profitable 2013!
2013...yeah, I'm hittin' that!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Stress relief?
Last night was a tough night at my new easy going day job. Having to restrain someone with a Developmental Disability plays a mental toll on someone like me, as their screams echoed through my head all day. But it's part of the job, and it's in their treatment plan, and I like this family quite a bit, so I'll deal with it.
But the stress from that had me scatterbrained this morning. Couple that with a week full of my own daughter's autism meltdowns (every morning about the same thing all week, lasting for hours, and requiring physical intervention), and my brain is just tired. And yet somehow I managed to lose my debit card today, and not find it til 3 hours after my shift was over, but my empty gas tank kept me from going to work at all today.
So I'm stressed. I need a release. I need some way of relieving it. I just have to figure out how. I'm calm, but a person can only suppress that kind of stress for so long before it starts causing tension headaches and wearing down at you. I feel that this is starting to happen...and school starts Monday. YAY! More stress!
So in the midst of my stress I let my own anxiety get the best of me today, and I had to bring my brain back to reality because I was going overboard worrying about the most ridiculous things. I felt like everyone was out to get me, and my brain was running wild with that feeling. It's quite debilitating.
Laura, whom I normally turn to for help when I'm feeling mentally weak, is on call this week and quite stressed out herself. So I'm trying not to lean too hard on her, at least for now. But this means that it's easier for my head to run wild.
So I'm trying to bounce back from that. It's a work in progress, but I'm fighting. Today was not a good mental health day.
But the stress from that had me scatterbrained this morning. Couple that with a week full of my own daughter's autism meltdowns (every morning about the same thing all week, lasting for hours, and requiring physical intervention), and my brain is just tired. And yet somehow I managed to lose my debit card today, and not find it til 3 hours after my shift was over, but my empty gas tank kept me from going to work at all today.
So I'm stressed. I need a release. I need some way of relieving it. I just have to figure out how. I'm calm, but a person can only suppress that kind of stress for so long before it starts causing tension headaches and wearing down at you. I feel that this is starting to happen...and school starts Monday. YAY! More stress!
So in the midst of my stress I let my own anxiety get the best of me today, and I had to bring my brain back to reality because I was going overboard worrying about the most ridiculous things. I felt like everyone was out to get me, and my brain was running wild with that feeling. It's quite debilitating.
Laura, whom I normally turn to for help when I'm feeling mentally weak, is on call this week and quite stressed out herself. So I'm trying not to lean too hard on her, at least for now. But this means that it's easier for my head to run wild.
So I'm trying to bounce back from that. It's a work in progress, but I'm fighting. Today was not a good mental health day.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Confidence Roller Coaster
I'm a person who has a ton of confidence. It takes a lot of confidence to do what I do, considering all of the business ventures I attempt. After all, what person without confidence would think they are good enough to try this?
But that confidence is shaky under stress. It's more of a roller coaster ride, with many pitfalls that dip deep down into over-analyzation of self. That can make me crash quickly to the point where I'm desperately trying to figure out how I'm going to keep going. In this state, it seems quickly that the whole world is against me, and that I've done so very wrong by everyone I know. It's tough to hold my head up to my family, and it's tough to look myself in the mirror.
Moments of desperation that severe usually are rare. But when you factor in money issues, they become far more frequent. I've got a plan to remedy my money issues, but it'll take some time to implement. Meanwhile, the cycle continues, and all I can do is watch and hope for the best.
But the fucked up thing is that when this happens, I'll dip down REALLY low, freak out for a while, then boost right back up really quickly! This could be indicative of some sort of mood disorder, who knows. Maybe depression that's gone untreated? Whatever the mental cause, when I do start my climb out of that deep of a fall, it's very quick as if I've been launched up. I feel suddenly like I can take on the whole world, and the whole world can kiss my ass! It's not a fun ride, but it happens like this every single time. It gets exhausting.
But that confidence is shaky under stress. It's more of a roller coaster ride, with many pitfalls that dip deep down into over-analyzation of self. That can make me crash quickly to the point where I'm desperately trying to figure out how I'm going to keep going. In this state, it seems quickly that the whole world is against me, and that I've done so very wrong by everyone I know. It's tough to hold my head up to my family, and it's tough to look myself in the mirror.
Moments of desperation that severe usually are rare. But when you factor in money issues, they become far more frequent. I've got a plan to remedy my money issues, but it'll take some time to implement. Meanwhile, the cycle continues, and all I can do is watch and hope for the best.
But the fucked up thing is that when this happens, I'll dip down REALLY low, freak out for a while, then boost right back up really quickly! This could be indicative of some sort of mood disorder, who knows. Maybe depression that's gone untreated? Whatever the mental cause, when I do start my climb out of that deep of a fall, it's very quick as if I've been launched up. I feel suddenly like I can take on the whole world, and the whole world can kiss my ass! It's not a fun ride, but it happens like this every single time. It gets exhausting.
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