Cancer?

Well this is going swimmingly…..

Ok, this is my uncensored, unfiltered rant. I'm not sure if I'm pissed off, but I'm not happy. I just got back from a gastroenterologist.

A month ago, I was in the ER with chest pains. They determined that it was likely not a heart issue, and advised me to have my acid reflux checked to see what damage it was doing. I put that off, cause I can't afford a doctor and have no insurance.

Two days ago, I was at my day job. I had eaten lunch a few hours earlier. I start feeling the sensation of hot rocks moving through my intestines in the left side of my abdomen. Laura suspects it could be an ulcer, as she's been through that pleasantness before. So I called off work yesterday to go see a doctor. I wasn't happy about losing a days pay, or how it would make me look the day after they assign me a new task at my day job, but health is more important than all of those things, so I did what I had to do.

Yesterday, they talk to me about my acid reflux, informing me that it can lead to esophageal cancer, which evidently is one of the worst kinds. So the doctor recommended that I see a gastroenterologist to have a scope done so they could see what's going on, just in case.

I went to the gastroenterologist this morning, under the impression that i was going to have a procedure done. They informed me that it would actually be scheduled another time, today was just the preliminary to see if it was needed.

So in essence, I paid $50 down to one doctor yesterday and $100 down to a doctor today to have them tell me that it's not going to happen today, but they want me to come back next week and pay $400 down to have it done……..

That's $550………..down…………and I only have managed to save $600.

Well, thanks to the corporate structure of American medicine, I've now in effect wiped out my savings. That won't even begin to touch the amount that it will cost my uninsured ass to pay for these procedures in the end, it'll just cover the down payments!

But what then? What if they find esophageal cancer? I'm going to be sitting here for a week worrying about the validity of these tests, and how pissed I'll be if everything's ok because of how much all of this is costing me (all so they can tell me to keep taking prilosec and get checked regularly……….) But quite frankly, what if? What if it turns out that I have something wrong with me that needs addressed?! I can't afford to get that shit treated! Period! I don't wanna end up like my friend Derek, but quite frankly - DEREK LIVED IN CANADA! I don't know the ins and outs of what he had to pay and didn't have to pay, but I'm sure that something like this would bankrupt me in the US and not bankrupt me in Canada.

And what if I do have cancer? I have no insurance! Good luck getting insurance with a pre-existing condition! There ought be some sort of law in this country……oh wait, wasn't that in Obama's health bill that so many people are ignorantly challenging?

I wonder how my mom felt 30 years ago, hearing the news that she was going to die. I wonder how she felt knowing there was no treatment, and that if there were a treatment she likely couldn't afford it anyway. I wonder if I'll end up like her, dead by 36?

I'm in sticker shock somewhat. How in the hell can you expect a normal working class individual to afford medical bills in this economy if they were not lucky enough to have insurance? How in the hell can you put a price tag on my life? How in the hell can you think that it's ok to intimidate people into not getting treatment because they know they can't afford it, and they can't leave their families with that sort of debt?

Now I understand why Walter White (Breaking Bad) does it…..not that I didn't understand before, it just hits home now.

I left the gastroenterologists office, with $150 less in cash, after missing two days of pay at work, feeling scared about what's going to happen to me. I'm scared the "what if's". What if I have cancer? What if I can't come up with the money to pay for all of this. What if I drain my measly $600 from my savings and use it to pay the down payments, then get laid off again in a week? What if all this does is put me into debt, and I'm fine? I've had 3 reactions to all of this since leaving the gastroneterologist.

1 - I wanted to cry. I know I can't afford ANY of this. But I'm almost forced into it. Sure, there are payment arrangements and plans, but the fact remains that I'm still going to have paid $550 by next week just in down payments alone, and the income assistance will not really cover enough of it for me. I felt scared and wanted to cry.

2 - I wanted to get shit faced. I thought to myself "Is 10am too early to get a bottle of jack daniels and drink myself to an oblivion?"

3 - I'm currently venting and trying to take my mind off of it all. I'm sort of in "recall mode" right now, and am avoiding actually thinking about these things and what they mean to me for fear of going off the deep end. I'm numbingly recalling what I've felt and what my frustrations are, so that I can write this blog, but if I stop to think about it for a second I start getting that tightness in my throat.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go get a bottle of Jack and go to town. I'm in no shape for doing homework, and I can't focus on mixing right now. I'll see you from cloud 9.