Colorado Calling

Today is fathers day.

Three years ago today, I was visiting Arches National Park. I remember calling my father to wish him a happy fathers day for the first time, then I called Dad and did the same. (If you haven't caught on, Father birthed me, Dad raised me). Sarah and I then spent the day rolling through Arches National Park in areas that were more difficult to access, and hence away from the choke of the Fathers Day tourists. She drove a 4WD Ford Explorer, so we could go places most couldn't. There were some really cool sights there. I'd love to go back sometime.

Olive caught a tumbleweed there. One of her more adorable moments.

Two years ago today, I was getting ready to work one of my last days at King Soopers in Evergreen as we prepared to embark on what would become my life's greatest transformation. Fearing what she saw as inevitable budget cuts at the Jefco library system, and extremely unhappy at the hands of a tyrannical boss, Sarah went on the job hunt. She landed a job that took us back to Ohio, where we grew up and met 11 years earlier. She decided to take the job, and we began packing up to move away from the land that I had grown to love with every fiber of my soul. I had no idea how much of a pull the Rockies would have on me, and I lied to myself about wanting to move back. I would've done anything for her, and that included uprooting myself every two years to move to a new location (which hindered my ability to find any stabilization in my professional life), but I was happy to do it for her.







One year ago today, everything was completely different. The mountains were gone. Sarah was gone. My sanity was gone. I began lashing out in horrible ways at those I love in ways that I will be ashamed of till the day I die. Every aspect of my life was completely different, and every aspect of my life was utter turmoil. I was struggling for studio clients, and had lost my job due to a mass layoff. I was desperately waiting for unemployment benefits, and worried that I wasn't going to make it. I began dumpster diving for scrap metal to keep food on the table and gas in my tank. I was drinking. When everything in someone's life falls away like dominoes being knocked over, it's a very trying time. This was the great transformation I mentioned above, and I fear that without it I would not be the person I am today. I'm not the person Sarah left. I'm not the person my friends in Colorado knew. I'm not the person Laura reunited with in March of last year. I'm not the person most of the people I associated with a year ago knew then. I'm a completely different individual with a completely new set of goals and priorities. When you're broken down like that and forced to rebuild from the ground up, you're not going to recognize the new structure.

Today, everything is vastly better for me than it was last year when I was going through hell. I'm emotionally stable, and I've quit drinking. I've got studio clients, and I've got a stable roof over my head. 3 months ago, I became engaged to Laura.

Laura agreed to spend the rest of her life with me after everything I've put her through. She's one of the most selfless people I've ever met, and I have infinite amounts of admiration for her strength and spirit. She helped pull me through my struggles last summer even when I tried to force her out of my life because I was confused about everything. I'm forever in her debt for not giving up on me. I'm forever in her debt for helping re-stabilize me. I'm forever in her debt for the hell I've put her through. I've never loved anyone more than I love her. And she's given me two wonderful children, her beautiful twin daughters Celest and Lotus.

Celest

Lotus

To be honest, I'm very happy here. My first custom studio facility is about to open. I'm living in Columbus with my new family, and have been finally emancipated from Marion Ohio! I've fallen in love with my step-daughters, and every time they smile my heart melts. They are beautiful little women, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

After all I've lost, I've been able to regain traction on my life. I've found happiness and a new direction. I've replaced almost everything in my life that I had lost, and couldn't be happier.

But there's something missing.

I still think about Colorado all the time, and I still feel it's call regularly. I still long to see the beautiful panorama I took for granted every time I walked out the door. I still yearn for the cool and light mountain air. I still ache for the views that thrilled my soul every day. Witnessing immensely beautiful landscapes every day for two years that made my soul sing the praises of heaven became like a drug. Now that I'm away from anything that beautiful in nature, my soul hasn't had it's fix and is making me crazy from it's yearning.

When one gets accustomed to immense beauty that causes excitement of the body and mind, they can begin to rely on the jolt of adrenaline they receive when they are in those surroundings. When you take that away, the spirit yearns to be returned every day until the reunion happens. It's almost like weening oneself from a drug that takes a lifetime to exit the system. It won't let me go.

So here I sit, reflecting on everything that I have now, and I am truly happy here. But  these thoughts about the mountains are once again making my happiness a bittersweet engagement.

The only solution I can see is to return, even if only for a momentary visit now and then, so that I can get my fix. I sound like a meth head, but that's how strong this is. It was just validated by a friend I met in Indiana who moved to Colorado Springs in January. She told me she's falling in love with the mountains too, which shows me that it's not just me. It's a deep spiritual calling for me, and I think she's starting to feel it too based on what she said.

Jen, eat it up. See what you can. Life can take you away from it before you're ready. See it all, over and over again, and appreciate it every day. Otherwise, you could become a whining mountain loving emo hippie bastard like me.....lol.

Are we there yet.....?

I'm starting to grow impatient. I've tried not to get here, but it's on a subconscious level at this point. I'm aggravated.

The studio is already 2 weeks behind schedule on it's construction. I've been told why, and I understand, but it doesn't aggravate me any less. There are clients left and right who want to continue work. It's very uncomfortable to work on an imac on a dresser in the corner of a bedroom with kids in the house. It's very quick headache material. But on the occasion that a client calls and wants an edit done that doesn't require my studio monitors (i.e. a splicing job), I can't tell them no just because I am not in an ideal work environment.

So I fight through the (literal) headaches that this not-ergonomically/not-acoustically-ideal-in-any-way set up brings with it to make sure the clients stay happy, and I don't mind doing it for the clients. My clients are awesome, and it's fun to work with them. But it also is really annoying on my side because my studio isn't done, and I'm forced to work in 9 square feet of space. This isn't the clients fault, and I'm not frustrated with the clients. I just want my promised studio to be finished already so I can get to living the American dream and what not.

When it IS finished, it's going to be an amazing thing to behold! It'll be meager compared to a lot of studios, but I'm a small business with a smaller budget and I see no point in going into debt to go into something that might fail. So in the interest of being fiscally responsible, I'm making sure I can afford what I'm moving into based on what I had coming in before the move.

What I had before the move was a house.

 

The control room was in a bedroom upstairs.

Before that, the control room was in the corner of a different bedroom. I had blankets on the walls because I didn't have a budget for acoustical treatment.

The live room was in the living room downstairs. This is the live room used by Enemy By Mourning, Liquid Ghandi, Project DIVIDE, Stimulus, Antiseptic Soul, and others.

Before that, the control room was in a bedroom in Conifer Colorado. I was not as good of an engineer then, and didn't really understand the need for acoustic treatment. My walls were bare. My computer was crap. It was very basic, and complicated to use.

But that was AFTER Bob Swanson helped me acquire some gear as a favor. Before that, I was so bare bones it wasn't funny!

So I'm very grateful for how much I've grown over 4 years, and how far I've come with my abilities. But still, the downtime is frustrating me and my clients. Work on Jovy's projects for F.R.O.E. Records can't continue till the studio is up. Work on Project DIVIDE can't continue till the studio is up. None of what I do can move forward until the studio is up and running…..

…..so I wait.

National Parks

Lotus and Celest, my daughters to be, were born on June 21st 14 years ago. Knowing how much I love to travel, Laura suggested that we take the girls on a vacation for their 14th birthday this year. It was decided that we would spend a few days and head to Washington D.C., stopping in Virginia to see Shenandoah National Park along the way.

The girls have never had a trip this long. Their autism can make traveling a little challenging. So this will be an experiment to see how well they do on a trip of this length. But the girls love going on trips, and can get quite excited by the anticipation of a trip. A few months ago, Laura wanted to take them to the Newport Aquarium. Celest begged for an entire weekend to go to the aquarium after hearing of the plan. When we arrived at the aquarium, Celest and Lotus were both ecstatic!

The chance to take the girls on their first long vacation makes me happy. The fact that we're essentially going on a giant National Park Service tour thrills me! If you read this blog, you know I love the parks. Before Laura, I'd been to Yellowstone, Grand Teton, Rocky Mountain, Arches, Grand Canyon, Cuyahoga Valley, and a few national historical sites and monuments. Since then, I've begun collecting parks with Laura. We've been to Cuyahoga Valley, and Great Smoky Mountains. We got engaged at Great Smoky Mountains N.P., and have been taking photos of ourselves by the entrance signs of the parks since then (even though we only have two parks under our belts).

So the chance to collect our third park together with the girls in tow, and see Shenandoah National Park as a family altogether for the first time, makes me quite happy. I plan to get a photo of us all together by the entrance sign if possible. We plan to head from Columbus to the southern end of Shenandoah N.P. From there, we'll drive through the park along Skyline Drive as well take in the views.

After that, we spend the night nearby before embarking to Washington D.C. the next day. Washington D.C. is a mecca of the park system, as the park system also includes many historical sites and monuments. Driving and walking tours of the nations capitol are in order, and many photos will be taken! I'm excited about Washington D.C., I've never been. I'm admittedly more excited about Shenandoah, but I've always wanted to go and see the national mall and the Lincoln Memorial.

About a week or two ago, Laura told Celest that we were going to go on vacation at the end of June. She told her we were going to Washington, and since then Celest has been yelling to go on vacation to Washington. I let it slip last week that we were also stopping at a national park, and this doubled her joy! She's been yelling for a national park all week, and for vacation! Every time she yells for a national park, I get a huge grin on my face.

I'll discuss the trip, including photos, when we return.

Worry

Here I sit. It's been a good few days at home with the girls, but that can be exhausting even without the autism. But I'm worried.

The studio is behind schedule. There's an acoustical issue with the building that needs resolved. There's red tape with Grove City. There's an electrical transformer that needs to be shipped that's behind schedule. I only have so much of a budget and so much time to ride out that budget, and the clock is ticking fast.

So that gets me worried. What if I can't compete? What if I'm looked at and laughed out of the industry? What if these cats who are younger than me with half the gear (which isn't much) and half the skills undercut me and put me out of business (so they can propagate the scene with a shitty product)?

It's a mild panic, and I'll welcome that. But I won't dwell on it. The only way to know is to try.

Columbus, here I come.

Laura

To the woman that I'm madly, deeply, truly in love with.

You've shown me so many things. You've shown me unconditional love, patience, acceptance, sacrifice, tolerance, beauty, and hope. You've won my admiration with your strength and resilience, even if you scoff at the idea that I think you're strong and resilient.

You've made me see what it truly means to give yourself completely to the ones you love, without expectation and without condition. You've made me see what it is to let go of petty things and focus only on what truly matters.

You've made me want to be a better person in so many ways, and you've solidified a fighting spirit within me.

You've shown me what it means to be a family, and to love being a parent. You've shown me undying patience and grace.

And you continue to be an inspiring presence in my life.

You are the single most amazing woman I've ever met. Thank you for being in my life. I love you.

Revisiting Phase 1

After my job loss, thanks to steps I had taken in Phases 1 and 2, I was able to stay afloat for a few months. Thanks to Laura, Phase 3 has now come to fruition and I've made it out of Marion once and for all. But now, thanks in part to all the life changes over the last 4 months and also to my own laziness, I've slacked off in school. If I haven't flunked out completely, it's time to completely rededicate myself to my education. Taking online classes was a good idea for my previous situation, but I had too many things going on at once to stay focused. Now that the proverbial fat has been trimmed, I've got more time to focus on my education. I'm going to talk to Columbus State to see if I can keep at it and start taking classes on campus this fall. I've got to call them, explain the challenges that I had to face before that are now out of the way, and explain my dedication to trying again. Hopefully, they'll see that I'm not just some pimplefaced teen who was being lazy, and will let me continue.

The thing is that now is the time to invest in myself. I'm taking the leap to make the studio a full time operation. That's an investment in my own career. I should also invest in my education to make my life better in the long term. Aside from having financial aid as a fall back in my personal savings, it's a good idea because of the long term benefits that can come from an education. I know that, for most people, an education no longer guarantees you a job. However, as an entrepreneur, I'm picking up that torch for myself anyway. If I fail, it's my fault. My education should be focused on skills that will help me stay competitive in my chosen field, so I'm going to continue the marketing courses. But I may change my major entirely and focus it more along sharpening my media production skills. The marketing stuff is pretty boring, especially when taken online. I think if I take classes on campus, it'll be easier for me to retain the information. I'm a visual learner, not a book learner. My distance from campus impeded my ability to reasonably make it to class. Now that I'm in Columbus, hopefully it'll be much easier.

So fingers crossed that I can continue the goal of a higher education this fall. I'm taking the summer off, and will focus on building the business. But come hell or high water, I will find a way to be in the classroom in September.

4 Days In

I moved in with Laura and the kids on May 31st. It's now June 4th. The first day I was kinda feeling like a freeloader, but that feeling is starting to subside. I have some downtime on my hands while I'm waiting for the studio to be finished, and I can't work until then, so I'm trying to do my best to be the proverbial housewife. I've been cooking, cleaning, playing with the kids, ect. I'm pretty comfortable here at the moment.

But I know that Laura's got a lot on her plate. The studio move wouldn't be a possibility without her getting a full time job, which she has done. Being an autism mom, it's hard to keep a full time job. But now that I'm in the house, I'm trying to give her a break when I can. I hope I'll still be able to do so when I start scheduling studio clients, but we'll see what happens. I may have to set a certain set of hours and days that I'm available based on when she has to work and when her respite workers are here. We'll see.

Laura's job is in an environment where she cares for the mentally disabled. That's all I'll say here, because there are privacy concerns and that's all she's shared. But she has to play mom to two autistic teens at home, only to play caregiver to adults with similar struggles 40 hours each week. It's literally her entire life now. I admire the hell out of her, and I try to be strong and understanding when she gets stressed.

Being a woman in her position is going to be stressful. I'm in awe of her patience, and try to be the same way with the kids. I try to cut her a break on the housework, which seems to be endless with the girls thanks to autism, and try to give her what she had with me at my house in Marion…..a break.

Now that I live here, she has nowhere to go to get away from the house and decompress. Not that she doesn't love the kids, but you have to have some me time too. So I'm doing what I can to give that to her. After helping with the girls all afternoon and taking them grocery shopping with her, I could see that she was getting frustrated. She normally sleeps in the main room in case one of the girls wakes up in the night and decides to become active. The girls need 24-7 supervision, so Laura sleeps where she'll wake up if they get up. While I was moving my stuff in, I came in at 6:30 am with a load of stuff from Marion to find that Lotus had been awake since 1am and so had Laura. She had to work, and was exhausted, so I helped her get the girls ready for school and then helped Laura to bed for the few hours of sleep she'd get that morning.

Last night, I decided to take the couch because it was clear that Laura needed a chance to get a good night's sleep. I decided that not only would I let her sleep in the bed undisturbed, but that I'd stay up most of the night catching up on housework. I finally passed out at around 5am, but woke up at 7:30 because the girls were up and at em. School is out now, and Blaine doesn't show up till 3:00 pm. Laura had some errands to run. So I stayed up. I crashed for a few hours when Blaine got here to watch the girls.

I realize this may seem like I think I'm being this big amazing person by doing these big amazing things and that I want big amazing credit for helping this poor defenseless woman through an ordeal. That couldn't be further from the truth. I'm merely recounting what I'm doing to help the woman and family that I love. I don't want any special recognition. I'm just doing what I feel should be done for my future wife and kids.

But the alone time with the girls is giving me the chance to bond with them. I'm learning a lot of things about them that weren't so evident when I first met them. I've grown to love them, and to care about their well being. I've learned to take the challenges Autism can bring in stride, because someone has to do it.

I still want to get the studio up and running as soon as is reasonably possible. But I am enjoying the downtime with the girls. I'm no longer feeling like a freeloader, but rather like I belong here.