Motivation

I'm sitting here at the studio, and am watching "Ride The  Divide", which is the film that inspired me to ride the great divide trail before I turn 40. I'm drinking my coffee, and watching the footage of the mountains, and thinking positively about my future. It makes me want to just kick ass and focus only on what will benefit me and my family.

I've had some confidence hits recently. But I've had events that gave me faith too. The confidence hits were caused by a lull in clients at the studio, but those things are going to happen. It's a cyclical business, and I can't let that get me down. But there's another thing that's had me acting somewhat irrationally. There was a studio in Columbus that had name recognition, and they had to close down a few years ago. They are re-opening in the building LITERALLY right behind my studio. I'll have a competitor 50 feet from my front door! That's a bit nerve wracking, but if I take the proximity of our studios out of the picture, the proximity doesn't matter in the least. If he were 50 feet or 20 miles, he'd still be another local option that I'd have to compete with. This guy's been in the game longer, has a local contact list, has name recognition, and can out-gear me any day of the week.

So those two issues have had a big hit on my confidence. But I need to get over that and move on. To help me regroup, I've been working hard on some promotional efforts. I've been going to shows every weekend, which is something I'd been not focusing on. I've been making new materials with viral sharing in mind. I've been working on my social presence online. I've even painstakingly been trying to improve my skills in every way I can so that I can compete with ALL of the local competition with ease. This has included lots of feedback from other engineers who aren't in my local market, and their input has been invaluable in helping me get better as quickly as I can. I've even been focusing on diversifying my product line so that I can offer something to folks who may not need recording or mixing services. I'm going to explore the opportunity to get into Audio Post work.

What I've learned about myself from the above is that even if I face something that seems bleak, and even if I let the stress get to me (which happened HARDCORE over the last couple of weeks), I always seem to find my way back to the positive place I need to be in order to move forward.

I've also learned that I have a rock to lean on when things seem bleak. Laura has been the most wonderful presence in my life, and has gone to extraordinary measures for the sake of our happiness and to feed the hunger in my soul. Without her, the bleak times would be even bleaker, and I find myself needing her grace more and more every day.

In fact, Laura helped me achieve something that I needed very much for the sake of the wounds my soul suffered upon my departure from the Colorado Rockies in 2010. We planned to make it out there this summer, and it was there that I planned to propose to her, but it didn't look possible due to financial reasons. Because of that, I took her to the Great Smoky Mountains, and it was there that she agreed to spend the rest of her life with me as my wife.  That day, she made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. The high lasted for days for me.

My heart still yearned for the west, however. It was very distressing that I didn't believe I could make it out there again, even after plans to go had to be cancelled. But in the middle of the summer, Laura suggested that we make a trip to Denver work somehow, and in August we hit the road for my first trip west in over two years.

Upon seeing the mountains for the first time, I felt like I was at home again. Being able to show Laura all the amazing sights that I had fallen in love with so hard meant the world to me. I broke down crying as I showed her the view from atop Conifer Mountain, which is where I used to live. I broke down crying again when she told me on our way to the San Luis Valley that she felt very at home there and could see living there with me very easily. It was an extremely medicinal experience for the part of my soul that was damaged by my departure from the Rocky Mountains. Laura and I visited our fourth national park, the Great Sand Dunes National Park, and it was by far the most fun park either of us have ever been too. She handled the altitude much better than I anticipated, considering her athsma, and even was able to handle the 14,000 foot ascent up Mount Evans before getting irritable due to the altitude.

Being able to see my mountains again, and to see the land that I love with every fiber of my soul, and to share it with the woman who has inspired the largest soul searching transformation I've ever undergone…..it was an extremely rehabilitative experience.


I've found myself not missing the mountains at any great extent since our trip. Laura speculated that I needed the trip to prove that I could make it out there again, and I think she was right. The trip helped us grow even closer than we already are, and made both of us think about our future together and with our daughters Lotus and Celest. It made me extremely confident about every aspect of my future. I still yearn to be there, amongst the great beauty of the west, but I think being there with Laura helped me make peace with my separation and bought me time and sanity.

As I write this blog post, I reflect on the events of the last two months. I see one constant. Laura. When I need strength, she does what she can to feed my soul. When I'm feeling on top, she's there to celebrate my victories and give further encouragement. Laura is my rock. Without her, I know my journey would be a difficult one.

Laura, thank you for constantly being a source of inspiration to me, and a reason for me to keep fighting. Thank you for keeping me grounded, and thank you for helping me keep moving on. I love you more each and every day.

 

I need a victory

I've decided that I need a victory.

The label has ballooned the size of the initial idea into something that won't see any real revenues for quite some time, and caused me to have to do a lot of work with no reward in the foreseeable future.

Project DIVIDE dropped off for a while so that I could set up the new studio location, and now that it's back in action there's a lot of work to do there in order to get the first EP out.

The podcast went into a temporary podfade, and I'm trying to re-generate it back into my weekly priority list.

The studio got busy, but then dropped off hard.

And my solo music efforts have flatlined. I haven't done a show in almost a year.

I feel bogged down with work that isn't getting me anywhere, and lacking in work that IS getting me somewhere. I think if I could just get one or two of these other projects up and running finally, I'd be in better spirits. But it's taking so long for many of them with no end in sight.

So I've decided that I'm gonna re-record my solo track "Thoughtless", make a videosong for it, and put it on itunes as a solo single. After all, it'll cost me almost nothing to put on itunes, and the sense of accomplishment will hopefully kick my confidence back up to where it needs to be so that I can endure the other projects. I need some sort of personal victory, after all I've been working for SO long on all of these other projects with no reward and it's easy to become unmotivated now.

So that's what I'm gonna do. I'll get started on it in October. I'm gonna do it all myself, spend a day filming and recording it, and get it mixed as I go. The next day, I'll sit here till the videosong is done. Then I'll get it off to be mastered, and go ahead and submit it through either tunecore or CD baby (still unsure).

I've got to do something.

Failing?

I feel like things are failing all around me again. This time, I'm trying to fight to keep it from happening, but this time it's not regarding my relationship. However, if the things that I feel that I'm losing control of DO fail, I worry about the fallout that will have on my relationship.

That being said, it's like right now I can't catch a break. Everyone wants something yesterday that I don't have today and may not have tomorrow. I'm having major stress headaches over the last few days, and don't know whether or not I'll be able to tread water or if I'll sink hard and fast.

I'm scared of failing. More importantly, I'm scared of showing my face at home if I do fail, and scared of the embarrassment of knowing I failed. My logical brain says she'll love me forever regardless of success, but my irrational brain gets worked up and can't stand the thought of letting her and the kids down.

I know that it's time for a change in course, but the scary thing is that I'm worried about lasting a matter of DAYS instead of weeks. I'm worried that it may not matter at all in 2 weeks, and all my efforts will have been for nothing.

But if I can make it through this hurdle, I have ideas of different directions I can go to turn this around. It's clear that the way I've been proceeding hasn't paid off quickly enough. It's time to regroup and reconsider my approach.

I just have to get through this hurricane.

Mitt Romney's supposed Gaf

Based on the stream of people I follow on facebook, many of whom were Romney supporters prior to this video being released, it would appear that Romney is about to take it in the ass HARD this November.

Here's the video, for those who haven't yet seen it.



This video came out, and Romney essentially handed the election to Obama. I can see it in the attitudes of those who are on my facebook feed who were fervently supporting Romney just two weeks ago! One person, a friend of mine who would ALWAYS attack Obama, said after the video's release that it didn't MATTER who won, we were getting screwed either way. Funny, cause two weeks earlier you were touting for one side, and now you're giving up?

It would seem that, based on my own sampling from my facebook feed, the public opinion has turned away from Romney hardcore. Even republicans in office are saying that Romney's out of touch.

 

Everywhere I look, the attitude against Mitt Romney seems to have shifted to one of displeasure with this man who (stating my own biased opinion here) was NEVER in touch with the struggle of the everyday American.

I'm not going to use this post to talk about why Obama's so great. I'm voting for him, that's always been a given, but this was rather a reflection of how badly Mitt Romney fucked himself by not watching what he said.

Way to piss off half of the country there Mitt......oh, I meant 47% of the country!

Stress

The new studio has been up and running in Grove City for almost 3 months now. I've had several great rock bands, as well as hip hop artists, and a little bit of R&B come through my door. It's been fun.

But it's also slowing down a bit. So I'm looking into some new opportunities while things are slow, but those are hard to find in Central Ohio. I've decided to shift focus toward business audio for now, while ramping up significantly my marketing efforts by showing more of a presence in the local music scene.

Compounding things is the fact that a well established studio who had been closed for a few years is re-opening in the building literally right behind me. This has me concerned about people's perception of me and my operation, and I'm stressing out over every detail of my products overall quality level. I HAVE to be every bit as good as this guy, who can out-gear me any day of the week. Despite my fervent belief that gear doesn't make records, if you take two engineers who have good ears the client will probably choose the one with the gear.

So I've got to shift my product focus onto me, the engineer, and the value that I alone bring to the table. In order for me to be competitive in this dried up music market (hey, it's not Nashville or LA people), I have to do some PR work and increase the value of working with ME. The recording is the product overall, but what makes people come to me has to be the ME factor.

So I'm trying to improve my product in every way possible. I've been working on a mix that I recorded in the studio back in July as a tester for the new studio. I gave it to this band for free, and am now using the tracks I recorded to pull out all the stops. I've since found weaknesses in my room I've had to adapt to, which I've been able to overcome on a temporary basis. I've also found weaknesses in my workflow that I've been working to overcome thanks to the help of several of my engineer friends around the country.

But all of this has me second guessing the smallest of decisions in my mixes. I feel like I'm hitting a wall psychologically, and will have to climb over that to get back to full confidence.

Couple that with a recent head cold that clogged up my ears, which I'm only today finally recovering from, and you can see why I'm a bit stressed. Each day that goes by that I don't release this spectacular mix to the public, the neighboring studio gets closer to opening. But bouncing mixes off of several engineers while taking ear breaks for head colds takes valuable time. So I'm trying to offset that time by going to shows and networking.

I started going to shows again last weekend. I went to a show hosted by a friend of mine who runs Audiology Sound Studios, a neighboring studio. It was a charity show for his Music Is Life foundation. The line-up of the show consisted of at least one client, Bleeding Ink, as well as a large group of other artists who I was able to network with. Many of these artists I'd never seen live before, and some I'd never even heard of before. It was a great chance to network, but only one won't do it. I need a regular presence in this local scene if people are going to think of me. I need to talk to them about what I do, and I need to act fast. This will probably have to be an every-weekend venture for me. After all, you can't stop hunting, or else you'll starve.

Meanwhile, I'll be setting up a conference call with a business associate in Colorado at Swanpro Studios to go over some ways that I can get into the post audio market. Post audio production is more lucrative with more consistent work, and that is exactly what I need to make my 5 year goal a reality. At this point, I have 4.25 years to go. That's starting to not seem like a long time.

So I've got a long way to go, and a lot of work to do to get there. But now that I'm a family man, and I have two beautiful daughters counting on me, I can't rest on my laurels anymore. I must fight for my career for the sake of my family, and I need to do what it takes to psych myself up and get motivated.

In an odd way, I've turned to survival shows on Netflix as a source of motivation. Seeing people taking every measure necessary JUST to SURVIVE makes me feel blessed to have things as easy as I do, and makes me realize that the only hurdle to what I want in life is myself. It makes me realize that failure isn't so bad, because things could always be a lot worse. Even if I were homeless, it makes me realize that I'd be ok because I could find a way to make it. So that relieves some of my stress, while motivating me to continue forward toward my goals.

But it's not always easy getting over my own self-consciousness to find the motivation on the other side. I'm always worried about disappointing Laura, whom I would give my life for, and feel major guilt that I'm unable to be a better provider at this moment. But seeing her struggle so hard for our family motivates me 10 times more than anything else when I stop and think about it. She's given me everything she can, every part of her. Now it's time for me to take that and use it for the betterment of our whole family.

So to any competition that comes my way, you'd better look out. There's nothing more fearful than a determined underdog.