I think I'm coming to a head with a few things in my life. Financially, mentally, physically…
The studio is a great asset, but let's be honest. It's not paying the bills. It has been barely breaking even, and now that revenues are down 25% it's practically not even doing that. So if I can't break even, I can' t profit. If I can't profit, I can't put food on the table at home. I'm working a job that, while tons of fun, is getting me nowhere in life. It's not advancing me or my family, and my family has to eat. So I've been working on a few other things to try to spur revenues and keep the bills paid.
1 - I got a job. I start next week at my first day job since I lost my call center job in February. It's time to face facts, this ship isn't sailing. It's merely treading water. Meanwhile, I've got a hold to dig out of. The first thing you do when you find yourself in a hole is stop digging.
This will be a temporary situation, but it will be a rewarding one. I'll be providing respite care for a family who has children with autism.
2 - I've also re-enrolled in school. This time, I'm going not for business or marketing. I'm going to re-sharpen my production skills. I'm getting work in this field, I wanna sharpen the skills I'm already using. I start in January, as long as my financial aid comes through, and I'll be taking classes on campus rather than online this time. After all, online classes were so easy to let go that when life got tough I let them fall to the wayside. Time to start fresh and go to campus.
3 - I'm starting a new business. CLMastering will offer audio mastering worldwide. Unlike the studio, where I'm paid per hour of my work (and therefore has limited growth opportunity because there are only so many hours in a day), CLMastering has unlimited growth potential and will cater to a worldwide market. More on that to come, but I hope to be active by February or March.
The bottom line is that I've seen the writing on the wall. My family needs me to bring it home, and if the studio isn't catching on it's time to focus on what will. I'll keep the studio open, and I'll hope it grows, but my back is against a wall. If something isn't serving my family, it needs to be lowered in priority. Period. I'll never achieve my 5 year plan if I don't turn things around NOW.
So the next few weeks will bring a lot of changes. Let's just hope they are for the best.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
What we can learn from squirrels this time of year.
This time of year, in the Midwest, if you look out your window you'll Likely see squirrels scampering about as they forage for nuts. The pressure is on, as they are trying to store food away for the winter. Since the leaves are falling, their food is no longer in constant abundance, and they must plan ahead in order to survive.
In business, you've got to plan ahead. You've got to make sure you're prepared for an upcoming shortage. In business, once you run out of liquid assets, it's game over. Too many of us, myself included, play this game with too much risk. We take out lines of credit, which increase our liabilities, banking on the hope that it'll work itself out. However, if you run out of revenues, and can't repay the line of credit, it may be closing time for your dreams. In any business venture where i've had complete control over the finances, I've only taken out debt in cases where it was a dire need for immediate assets. I've taken steps to keep my liabilities at a minimum, and worked toward having enough assets to weather a dry spell. In other words, I hoarded my nuts to feed myself if winter comes, just like the squirrel.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
If I could carry that burden in your stead....I would in a heartbeat.
You know that feeling of helplessness when someone you care about is having a hard time and you can't do anything to turn them around? I'm feeling that pretty hard, especially over the last few days. I don't wanna go into specifics, but I know this person is finding it hard to fund anything positive right now and this negativity is starting to take it's toll on them.
It's hard seeing someone with such a generous and caring spirit carry the weight of the world with them everywhere. It's even harder knowing I can do nothing to turn it around.
It's hard seeing someone with such a generous and caring spirit carry the weight of the world with them everywhere. It's even harder knowing I can do nothing to turn it around.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Healing
Sometimes I wonder if some wounds will ever heal. Sometimes I wonder how deep the damage I did actually was, and wish I could just take the pain away from those I hurt last year. Sometimes I feel like a very worthless human being.
There's no excuses for any of my actions last year. I lied, cheated, and was a very selfish bastard. It was the least proud moment of my life. I look back at it now and wonder who I was or how I could ever have been so cruel.
But it's been over a year since then. Wounds are healing. Relationships are much stronger than they were. But the scars of yesterday still show themselves, and sometimes….like today…..they bleed. Those I love bleed, and I can do nothing to stop it. Those I need hemorrhage by my hand and I can only watch and sit back feeling the immense guilt of my actions. Those whose lives I couldn't stand to be out of show the damage I caused to them, and it makes me hurt.
My only wish is to be able to take the pain away. My only want is to be able to make her happy. But I'm cursed to watch the woman of my dreams crumble under the weight of the emotional wounds I caused.
And it is in these moments that I am ashamed to acknowledge the person I was ever existed. It is in these moments that the guilt overcomes me and consumes me, and I long to crawl into a hole and die. It is in these moments that my resolve gets the better of me, and I can do no more……
….for I can do no more. I can only watch the suffering and pray that it will all be gone one day. I can only pray that the pain will ease, and the questions will subside, and the fury will be vanquished, and all that will be left is the perfect union of souls that I know exists between us. I can do no more at this time than to wait, and to be everything I can be to her and this family. I can do no more than to pledge my entire life to her, and to mean it, and to dedicate my every move to the betterment of my family. I can do nothing more than to be here and fight for our survival and for us to thrive……….and to wait by her side as she walks through the valley of the shadow of death alone…..until she comes through on the other side. I can only wait until that day when, by the grace of God, her wounds are healed and her spirit can be at peace.
…..and I will wait, patiently, even if it takes 5 eternities. I will do this, and so much more, for her. She's the only one who was ever worth it and she is the only one who will ever BE worth it.
And so I wait.
There's no excuses for any of my actions last year. I lied, cheated, and was a very selfish bastard. It was the least proud moment of my life. I look back at it now and wonder who I was or how I could ever have been so cruel.
But it's been over a year since then. Wounds are healing. Relationships are much stronger than they were. But the scars of yesterday still show themselves, and sometimes….like today…..they bleed. Those I love bleed, and I can do nothing to stop it. Those I need hemorrhage by my hand and I can only watch and sit back feeling the immense guilt of my actions. Those whose lives I couldn't stand to be out of show the damage I caused to them, and it makes me hurt.
My only wish is to be able to take the pain away. My only want is to be able to make her happy. But I'm cursed to watch the woman of my dreams crumble under the weight of the emotional wounds I caused.
And it is in these moments that I am ashamed to acknowledge the person I was ever existed. It is in these moments that the guilt overcomes me and consumes me, and I long to crawl into a hole and die. It is in these moments that my resolve gets the better of me, and I can do no more……
….for I can do no more. I can only watch the suffering and pray that it will all be gone one day. I can only pray that the pain will ease, and the questions will subside, and the fury will be vanquished, and all that will be left is the perfect union of souls that I know exists between us. I can do no more at this time than to wait, and to be everything I can be to her and this family. I can do no more than to pledge my entire life to her, and to mean it, and to dedicate my every move to the betterment of my family. I can do nothing more than to be here and fight for our survival and for us to thrive……….and to wait by her side as she walks through the valley of the shadow of death alone…..until she comes through on the other side. I can only wait until that day when, by the grace of God, her wounds are healed and her spirit can be at peace.
…..and I will wait, patiently, even if it takes 5 eternities. I will do this, and so much more, for her. She's the only one who was ever worth it and she is the only one who will ever BE worth it.
And so I wait.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Motivation
I'm sitting here at the studio, and am watching "Ride The Divide", which is the film that inspired me to ride the great divide trail before I turn 40. I'm drinking my coffee, and watching the footage of the mountains, and thinking positively about my future. It makes me want to just kick ass and focus only on what will benefit me and my family.
I've had some confidence hits recently. But I've had events that gave me faith too. The confidence hits were caused by a lull in clients at the studio, but those things are going to happen. It's a cyclical business, and I can't let that get me down. But there's another thing that's had me acting somewhat irrationally. There was a studio in Columbus that had name recognition, and they had to close down a few years ago. They are re-opening in the building LITERALLY right behind my studio. I'll have a competitor 50 feet from my front door! That's a bit nerve wracking, but if I take the proximity of our studios out of the picture, the proximity doesn't matter in the least. If he were 50 feet or 20 miles, he'd still be another local option that I'd have to compete with. This guy's been in the game longer, has a local contact list, has name recognition, and can out-gear me any day of the week.
So those two issues have had a big hit on my confidence. But I need to get over that and move on. To help me regroup, I've been working hard on some promotional efforts. I've been going to shows every weekend, which is something I'd been not focusing on. I've been making new materials with viral sharing in mind. I've been working on my social presence online. I've even painstakingly been trying to improve my skills in every way I can so that I can compete with ALL of the local competition with ease. This has included lots of feedback from other engineers who aren't in my local market, and their input has been invaluable in helping me get better as quickly as I can. I've even been focusing on diversifying my product line so that I can offer something to folks who may not need recording or mixing services. I'm going to explore the opportunity to get into Audio Post work.
What I've learned about myself from the above is that even if I face something that seems bleak, and even if I let the stress get to me (which happened HARDCORE over the last couple of weeks), I always seem to find my way back to the positive place I need to be in order to move forward.
I've also learned that I have a rock to lean on when things seem bleak. Laura has been the most wonderful presence in my life, and has gone to extraordinary measures for the sake of our happiness and to feed the hunger in my soul. Without her, the bleak times would be even bleaker, and I find myself needing her grace more and more every day.
In fact, Laura helped me achieve something that I needed very much for the sake of the wounds my soul suffered upon my departure from the Colorado Rockies in 2010. We planned to make it out there this summer, and it was there that I planned to propose to her, but it didn't look possible due to financial reasons. Because of that, I took her to the Great Smoky Mountains, and it was there that she agreed to spend the rest of her life with me as my wife. That day, she made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. The high lasted for days for me.
My heart still yearned for the west, however. It was very distressing that I didn't believe I could make it out there again, even after plans to go had to be cancelled. But in the middle of the summer, Laura suggested that we make a trip to Denver work somehow, and in August we hit the road for my first trip west in over two years.
Upon seeing the mountains for the first time, I felt like I was at home again. Being able to show Laura all the amazing sights that I had fallen in love with so hard meant the world to me. I broke down crying as I showed her the view from atop Conifer Mountain, which is where I used to live. I broke down crying again when she told me on our way to the San Luis Valley that she felt very at home there and could see living there with me very easily. It was an extremely medicinal experience for the part of my soul that was damaged by my departure from the Rocky Mountains. Laura and I visited our fourth national park, the Great Sand Dunes National Park, and it was by far the most fun park either of us have ever been too. She handled the altitude much better than I anticipated, considering her athsma, and even was able to handle the 14,000 foot ascent up Mount Evans before getting irritable due to the altitude.
Being able to see my mountains again, and to see the land that I love with every fiber of my soul, and to share it with the woman who has inspired the largest soul searching transformation I've ever undergone…..it was an extremely rehabilitative experience.
I've found myself not missing the mountains at any great extent since our trip. Laura speculated that I needed the trip to prove that I could make it out there again, and I think she was right. The trip helped us grow even closer than we already are, and made both of us think about our future together and with our daughters Lotus and Celest. It made me extremely confident about every aspect of my future. I still yearn to be there, amongst the great beauty of the west, but I think being there with Laura helped me make peace with my separation and bought me time and sanity.
As I write this blog post, I reflect on the events of the last two months. I see one constant. Laura. When I need strength, she does what she can to feed my soul. When I'm feeling on top, she's there to celebrate my victories and give further encouragement. Laura is my rock. Without her, I know my journey would be a difficult one.
Laura, thank you for constantly being a source of inspiration to me, and a reason for me to keep fighting. Thank you for keeping me grounded, and thank you for helping me keep moving on. I love you more each and every day.
I've had some confidence hits recently. But I've had events that gave me faith too. The confidence hits were caused by a lull in clients at the studio, but those things are going to happen. It's a cyclical business, and I can't let that get me down. But there's another thing that's had me acting somewhat irrationally. There was a studio in Columbus that had name recognition, and they had to close down a few years ago. They are re-opening in the building LITERALLY right behind my studio. I'll have a competitor 50 feet from my front door! That's a bit nerve wracking, but if I take the proximity of our studios out of the picture, the proximity doesn't matter in the least. If he were 50 feet or 20 miles, he'd still be another local option that I'd have to compete with. This guy's been in the game longer, has a local contact list, has name recognition, and can out-gear me any day of the week.
So those two issues have had a big hit on my confidence. But I need to get over that and move on. To help me regroup, I've been working hard on some promotional efforts. I've been going to shows every weekend, which is something I'd been not focusing on. I've been making new materials with viral sharing in mind. I've been working on my social presence online. I've even painstakingly been trying to improve my skills in every way I can so that I can compete with ALL of the local competition with ease. This has included lots of feedback from other engineers who aren't in my local market, and their input has been invaluable in helping me get better as quickly as I can. I've even been focusing on diversifying my product line so that I can offer something to folks who may not need recording or mixing services. I'm going to explore the opportunity to get into Audio Post work.
What I've learned about myself from the above is that even if I face something that seems bleak, and even if I let the stress get to me (which happened HARDCORE over the last couple of weeks), I always seem to find my way back to the positive place I need to be in order to move forward.
I've also learned that I have a rock to lean on when things seem bleak. Laura has been the most wonderful presence in my life, and has gone to extraordinary measures for the sake of our happiness and to feed the hunger in my soul. Without her, the bleak times would be even bleaker, and I find myself needing her grace more and more every day.
In fact, Laura helped me achieve something that I needed very much for the sake of the wounds my soul suffered upon my departure from the Colorado Rockies in 2010. We planned to make it out there this summer, and it was there that I planned to propose to her, but it didn't look possible due to financial reasons. Because of that, I took her to the Great Smoky Mountains, and it was there that she agreed to spend the rest of her life with me as my wife. That day, she made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. The high lasted for days for me.
My heart still yearned for the west, however. It was very distressing that I didn't believe I could make it out there again, even after plans to go had to be cancelled. But in the middle of the summer, Laura suggested that we make a trip to Denver work somehow, and in August we hit the road for my first trip west in over two years.
Upon seeing the mountains for the first time, I felt like I was at home again. Being able to show Laura all the amazing sights that I had fallen in love with so hard meant the world to me. I broke down crying as I showed her the view from atop Conifer Mountain, which is where I used to live. I broke down crying again when she told me on our way to the San Luis Valley that she felt very at home there and could see living there with me very easily. It was an extremely medicinal experience for the part of my soul that was damaged by my departure from the Rocky Mountains. Laura and I visited our fourth national park, the Great Sand Dunes National Park, and it was by far the most fun park either of us have ever been too. She handled the altitude much better than I anticipated, considering her athsma, and even was able to handle the 14,000 foot ascent up Mount Evans before getting irritable due to the altitude.Being able to see my mountains again, and to see the land that I love with every fiber of my soul, and to share it with the woman who has inspired the largest soul searching transformation I've ever undergone…..it was an extremely rehabilitative experience.
I've found myself not missing the mountains at any great extent since our trip. Laura speculated that I needed the trip to prove that I could make it out there again, and I think she was right. The trip helped us grow even closer than we already are, and made both of us think about our future together and with our daughters Lotus and Celest. It made me extremely confident about every aspect of my future. I still yearn to be there, amongst the great beauty of the west, but I think being there with Laura helped me make peace with my separation and bought me time and sanity.
As I write this blog post, I reflect on the events of the last two months. I see one constant. Laura. When I need strength, she does what she can to feed my soul. When I'm feeling on top, she's there to celebrate my victories and give further encouragement. Laura is my rock. Without her, I know my journey would be a difficult one.
Laura, thank you for constantly being a source of inspiration to me, and a reason for me to keep fighting. Thank you for keeping me grounded, and thank you for helping me keep moving on. I love you more each and every day.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
I need a victory
I've decided that I need a victory.
The label has ballooned the size of the initial idea into something that won't see any real revenues for quite some time, and caused me to have to do a lot of work with no reward in the foreseeable future.
Project DIVIDE dropped off for a while so that I could set up the new studio location, and now that it's back in action there's a lot of work to do there in order to get the first EP out.
The podcast went into a temporary podfade, and I'm trying to re-generate it back into my weekly priority list.
The studio got busy, but then dropped off hard.
And my solo music efforts have flatlined. I haven't done a show in almost a year.
I feel bogged down with work that isn't getting me anywhere, and lacking in work that IS getting me somewhere. I think if I could just get one or two of these other projects up and running finally, I'd be in better spirits. But it's taking so long for many of them with no end in sight.
So I've decided that I'm gonna re-record my solo track "Thoughtless", make a videosong for it, and put it on itunes as a solo single. After all, it'll cost me almost nothing to put on itunes, and the sense of accomplishment will hopefully kick my confidence back up to where it needs to be so that I can endure the other projects. I need some sort of personal victory, after all I've been working for SO long on all of these other projects with no reward and it's easy to become unmotivated now.
So that's what I'm gonna do. I'll get started on it in October. I'm gonna do it all myself, spend a day filming and recording it, and get it mixed as I go. The next day, I'll sit here till the videosong is done. Then I'll get it off to be mastered, and go ahead and submit it through either tunecore or CD baby (still unsure).
I've got to do something.
The label has ballooned the size of the initial idea into something that won't see any real revenues for quite some time, and caused me to have to do a lot of work with no reward in the foreseeable future.
Project DIVIDE dropped off for a while so that I could set up the new studio location, and now that it's back in action there's a lot of work to do there in order to get the first EP out.
The podcast went into a temporary podfade, and I'm trying to re-generate it back into my weekly priority list.
The studio got busy, but then dropped off hard.
And my solo music efforts have flatlined. I haven't done a show in almost a year.
I feel bogged down with work that isn't getting me anywhere, and lacking in work that IS getting me somewhere. I think if I could just get one or two of these other projects up and running finally, I'd be in better spirits. But it's taking so long for many of them with no end in sight.
So I've decided that I'm gonna re-record my solo track "Thoughtless", make a videosong for it, and put it on itunes as a solo single. After all, it'll cost me almost nothing to put on itunes, and the sense of accomplishment will hopefully kick my confidence back up to where it needs to be so that I can endure the other projects. I need some sort of personal victory, after all I've been working for SO long on all of these other projects with no reward and it's easy to become unmotivated now.
So that's what I'm gonna do. I'll get started on it in October. I'm gonna do it all myself, spend a day filming and recording it, and get it mixed as I go. The next day, I'll sit here till the videosong is done. Then I'll get it off to be mastered, and go ahead and submit it through either tunecore or CD baby (still unsure).
I've got to do something.
Failing?
I feel like things are failing all around me again. This time, I'm trying to fight to keep it from happening, but this time it's not regarding my relationship. However, if the things that I feel that I'm losing control of DO fail, I worry about the fallout that will have on my relationship.
That being said, it's like right now I can't catch a break. Everyone wants something yesterday that I don't have today and may not have tomorrow. I'm having major stress headaches over the last few days, and don't know whether or not I'll be able to tread water or if I'll sink hard and fast.
I'm scared of failing. More importantly, I'm scared of showing my face at home if I do fail, and scared of the embarrassment of knowing I failed. My logical brain says she'll love me forever regardless of success, but my irrational brain gets worked up and can't stand the thought of letting her and the kids down.
I know that it's time for a change in course, but the scary thing is that I'm worried about lasting a matter of DAYS instead of weeks. I'm worried that it may not matter at all in 2 weeks, and all my efforts will have been for nothing.
But if I can make it through this hurdle, I have ideas of different directions I can go to turn this around. It's clear that the way I've been proceeding hasn't paid off quickly enough. It's time to regroup and reconsider my approach.
I just have to get through this hurricane.
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