Baring it all.

Now and then, I wonder what people think of the fact that I bare my soul, every bit of it, for the world to read on my blog. I talk about things that some people in my life would prefer not to discuss. It makes them uncomfortable. Well, that's their problem. And if you think that's about you, it could be. It's about many people though, and not one individual.

At any rate, I'm no longer a depressed person like I was when I rekindled this blog to record my thoughts as I dealt with my life coming apart at the seams. I'm actually a pretty happy person. Most of my posts are about happy things. But since I'm not so depressive anymore, I feel weird posting to the blog when I'm not feeling that great. It's almost like I wanna hide that part of me.

But I know what hiding that part of me will lead to. I've done that before. This blog was rekindled as a way of helping me sort out thoughts and feelings. There's plenty of sadness in these posts. Why should I feel ashamed of posting current sadness here? It makes no sense.

It's still kinda weird baring it all to a blog for the world to read. But this is something I feel I need now to keep myself in order.

Besides, if my thoughts ever make you uncomfortable, that's your problem.

Triggers

I'm wondering how much longer I'm going to have to deal with some old wounds. When something happens, it seems to just pile up on top of the other things that have happened, and make me feel like it's all somehow a cumulative result of everything put together. This happened when Olive passed away, and it's happening again. George, my ferret, is either passing away, or has passed away. I couldn't stick around to watch him go, but he was pretty much there when I left him last night.

I've had him for about 7 years, and he was nearing the end of his life. Fortunately, he lived a long happy one, but unfortunately I truly believe he was in pain near the end. That's never a comfortable feeling to know, especially when you can't really afford a vet visit anymore...

...which is one of the many tie in's to everything that's gone wrong over the last two years. I'm still piecing my life together, and am about to leave all the shattered pieces that were leftover behind me once and for all. I'll be moving out of the house Sarah and I moved into in Marion. Olive is gone. George is pretty much there. She took the furniture and most of the possessions we shared, and now I no longer care much for possessions. The friendship we tried to maintain has been eroded away. It's all gone. But even though I no longer sit around and pine for the past and what I've lost (I'm very happy with the direction my life is heading now, and I have not much to complain about anymore. Life is stabilizing finally...), the things that are still there seem to be reminders when something happens. For example, George passing away.....

We got him together. He moved from Columbus to Indiana to Colorado and then to Marion with us. And now it doesn't look like he'll be joining me on the next leg of my life.

I think the thing that's getting to me the most is how appropriate this seems in some ways. It's almost like life is telling me that I'm not going to move forward with anything from my past, and I need to just let it go. The only pet we shared that I still am acquainted with is my bitchy crazy cat Ciela. I'm glad she's still here, she's been a big comfort during some of my desperate lonely times last year.




The other cooky cat we had in the house, Pingu, now lives with Sarah. I never see Pingu anymore. So that piece of my life is gone too.

It just seems like no matter how hard I've tried to piece my life together, and no matter how hard I've tried to just hold on to some things, they've all just been slowly peeling away over the last two years. Everything.

.....and she wonders why I didn't deal with it well.....but I digress.

I wish George had made it out of Marion in good health. I truly hate that town in some ways. I feel sorry for it in others, because I feel that it represents a dream that failed for many people. But I feel like I'm a prisoner there. I'm looking forward to my exit asap. I wish George had been able to exit with me, but I'm glad he's not suffering anymore and I'm glad he's making it out of Marion one way or another.

So here I sit, listening to my favorite Pandora station. It plays soft female fronted music, often with pianos and lots of emotion. This type of music isn't good when you're sad. It's almost like country music to me, only unlike Country I can actually listen to it and respect it. But it keeps me feeling sad during times like this, and times like this just send me back through all the things that I've been through over the last 2 years. What fun, evidently I love to torture myself.

Rest in peace George.

Moving!

At this point, it looks more likely than not that I'll get the space in Grove City for the studio! I go to sign the lease on Monday, and deliver the deposit (thank you Uncle Rick), and then we go over construction details so the contractor can get started! To say that I'm excited would be a massive understatement.

This should all be ready for me to move into on June 1st. If that stays true, Skyline Sound Studios shouldn't need much downtime. (Enough time to move out of the old, and enough time to move into the new and get set up). Once it's all set up, and has been beta tested (may throw a free track at a friend to test things out in the new space, preferably a rock band so I can test noise levels and isolation), I'm considering an open house. This would be where I'm on the premises all day, and people can come in and out all day to view the space. Hopefully this would lead to some bookings, but even if all it does is increase awareness, I'm good.

The cheesy sentimental side of my brain is wanting to commemorate this event. It'll be my first commercial facility that isn't in a house that I happen to be also living in. It'll be a space whose sole purpose would be for audio production, and it would be in a  professional environment! This would be huge for me! So the sentimental cheesy side of my brain is envisioning a ribbon cutting ceremony or a smashed bottle on the building to launch the studio. If nothing else, it would make a great memory for me to look back on and provide a photo op, so we'll see.

At any rate, things are looking up. I'm excited to get into the space, and can't wait to see it develop over the next month!

Marion Ohio………..SUCK IT!

Attitude

So here I sit, waiting for a mix to finish processing, and I'm taking a moment to reflect on myself and my attitude.

Laura's suggested that I'm starting to sound agitated in my interactions to people. She's not the only one who's ever said this to me, I've been told it throughout my life. But now I feel like it's casting a negative impression to my clients, my friends, and my colleagues.

So I'm gonna try to work on my attitude. I guess that means I should stop doing things that put me in an easily agitated state.

I should eat first thing in the morning, rather than wait til 4 in the afternoon when my stomach is ready to kill me.

I should listen to when my head is telling me to quit listening to a mix and take an ear break

I should listen to when my eyes are telling me to quit staring at a computer screen

I should get a decent night's sleep

I have noticed that it's been easier and easier for me to become agitated, and I don't like it. I need to do something to keep it under control, because it's not anyone's fault. I could really hurt some feelings, or even possibly lose a client, so it's really important that I get it under wraps.

Maybe I should take up yoga?

Or maybe I don't bang out my stresses enough on my guitar?

Whatever it is, it's time it stopped.

Excitement…..

Excitement…..

I'm getting my hopes up, and that could be devastating. I'm really trying to reel it in, but I'm also stoked. I just got off the phone with the rental agency, and I could be in business in Columbus as early as June 1st!

I've got to come up with a deposit, while paying for May's rent in Marion. That's gonna be tough, but I'll do my best to make it work. Laura has suggested trying to help me make it work, and now I'm excited and humbled.

I feel like everything is finally lining up in my life to be where and how it should be, and that I have loving people in my life who are trying to make my life's goals come true.

I feel pretty amazing right now.

The future.

The future can be many things. It can be a long distant destination that is far from sight. It can be a monumental change that's just around the corner. It can be longed for, wished away, and many other things. But one thing it never will be…….certain.

The future is never certain. Will I be able to focus on my education? Will I win the lotto? Will I be able to hold down a full time job under these circumstances? Will the job get in the way of my other priorities? Will I be a success? Will I watch in horror as my dreams crash and burn?

There's no way to know what's to come. I myself am facing a very big change in the coming 6 weeks. I'm moving in with Laura, and this will pose a myriad of questions and circumstances that are scary to me. For instance:

I'll have to close the studio temporarily. Will I be able to re-open it in a timely manner in a new location?

Will I be able to adapt to living with two teenage girls with Autism?

Will I be able to find a job when I get there?

Will being close to her all the time bring us closer, or tear us apart?

The thing is…..nothing is ever certain. The only thing you can ever do is take a chance on what you know your heart wants. My heart wants this family. My heart wants to get the hell out of Marion. My heart wants to be a provider to Lotus and Celest. My heart wants to help make Laura's life easier. My heart wants Laura to always be in my life.

And so, since I know what my heart wants, the only thing that I can be assured of is the uncertainty ahead.

But since I know what my heart wants, there's no reason to hold myself back from trying to make those wants into a reality for me and my new family.

Phase 3 revisited - Getting the HELL out of Marion!

I wrote about Phase 3 of my life's reconstruction on February 1st. Later that day, I got laid off, and Phase 3 was put on hold. But now, thanks to a loving fiance and ambitions of building a better life for both of us, Phase 3 is back in action!


Phase 3 - Get the HELL out of Marion!


I've grown increasingly frustrated at how much being left in this town has held me back. I didn't' wanna move here, but was told that we should because someone else thought it would be easier on them. That person left me here to make things easier on them, and didn't give me any reasonable options for getting out of here. I've struggled with being stuck here since then, and grew kinda desperate at times. But now it seems that I have been given an olive branch.

Laura's mission is to get me out of Marion by August. That may come sooner than that, in all likelihood, as my unemployment ends in less than 2 weeks and I'll not be able to pay rent once the money I have saved is exhausted. It's hard enough getting clients to drive to Marion from Columbus, and Marion just doesn't have a music scene that's able to sustain my business. So with little business coming to Marion, and money reserves drying up, it's time to make some serious changes.

It's go time.

So here's the plan. Laura and I have decided to move in together. The studio would be minimized to a mobile operation while I'm getting set up in a new location, but the goal is to rent a location and set up shop there. This would ideally be a warehouse, but it could also be a home in the Columbus area. I've found some warehouses on the east side of Columbus for roughly the same money I'm paying to rent my current space in Marion. Regardless of it's new setting, it wouldn't be ideal to set up in the home Laura and I will soon share. But the good thing is that having my own dedicated space means that the studio would be a more professional environment. It would be it's own space, and it would make it easier to keep my home life and my work life separate

The living situation would work well too. I could work part time to fund the new studio's location, while being left with enough to pay the shared bills. The bills would be a lot cheaper combined than they are solo, and it just makes sense. I've already proposed, she said yes. There's no reason not to move in with her.

I feel rather humbled knowing that my fiance is in this to help me succeed. It's an amazing feeling knowing that someone is looking out for me, and I hope I can return the favor one day. So things are looking up, and there's some positive changes coming to my life over the summer of 2012. This will be my year, and I'm excited.

Sleep!

I'm on day 4 of a melatonin regiment. I've been able to get some sleep for the last 4 nights, which is a really nice feeling. It's far better than feeling like a pseudo zombie. I just took my nightly dose a few minutes ago, and I'm waiting for it to kick in. Shouldn't be long.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna finish a blog I started earlier today.

Sleep

For over a week now, I've not been sleeping very well.

There could be a few causes for this. One could be inherent worries about money. But overall, the bottom line is that I'm getting on average about 4 hours each night.

I'm feeling kind of like a zombie. I'm getting road rage at the drop of a hat. I'm feeling extremely stressed. I've got to reign this in.

I'm going to start taking Melatonin at a regular time, and forcing myself to go to bed.

Let's hope this turns it around.

Becoming a father.

I've had people tell me in the past that there was no reason I shouldn't be making $60,000 per year. I've been told I've got the skills needed to land a great job by people I would like to think were unbiased. I fear that the circumstances I was born into, coupled with the fact that I have had no idea where to look for such work, have led me to be what I am. Technically I'm unemployed, and I don't have much to my name. I'm skating by on unemployment, and trying to peruse an education so that I can better myself.

For whatever reason I've made my mind up that the life for me is as a self made man, being self employed and completely self reliant. This may be one of the attributes that others saw in me that caused them to believe I should be earning more than a deli workers salary, or that of a call center operator. But considering that most entrepreneurs are generally broke for the first two years of their entrepreneurial endeavor, it's not hard to see me not being on very solid financial ground at this exact moment.

And for a while, the hope and dream that I'd someday be able to live the easy life making enough money to live very comfortably was enough to pacify me. I had a goal, I set a date, and I've been working to make that happen.

But recently, the perceptions changed. I'm going to be a father, and although the children won't have a single strand of my DNA, they will be reliant on whatever income Laura and I can earn. Factor in that both of my daughters have autism, and you see that I've got a lot to provide for. This isn't about me, and this isn't about wanting to live life on a permanent vacation. This is now about Lotus and Celest, my teenage twin daughters who will need lifelong care. This is about ensuring that they are taken care of far beyond my own expiration date, which I hope will be a long time away.

This is about giving my daughters the best life I can give them, at all costs.

I'm about to ramp up my efforts to bring revenues in to the studio, but I know that may not be enough before the money I'm living off of runs dry. I'm going to have to consider that the last two months of living this way may have to come to an end very soon as I am faced with the prospect of needing to find another job.

Meanwhile, I'm hesitant to give in. Sure, finding a job wouldn't be a defeat. It would just be a temporary means to an end, and would help ensure that I could continue where I left off two months ago with getting myself out of debt and building a better net worth for myself and my family. But even if I find another job, and I thrive at that, who says that's a defeat? It may mean I'm not as available as I am right this moment to bring someone into the studio to put down tracks, but it won't mean I'm closing up shop. It may mean that I'll be able to keep a roof over my head while I focus more on the studio on the side, all he while establishing a foundation for a better life for my family.

I don't want to take this road just yet, but I've got to examine the very real possibility that I'll have to do this very soon.

So here I sit right now, doing homework. Accounting homework, when you're 31, is just as boring as it would've been to me at 18. Factor in the adult ADHD and Facebook, and it's tough to keep focused. After all, right now I'm blogging instead of studying, and I have a test tomorrow…..lol.

But something happened today that's strengthening my resolve to fight. I'm actually proud that I've been able to focus, and one thing is getting me through it. My family.

Laura sent me a video today of Celest asking to to go the Aquarium. We're planning to go to the Newport Aquarium tomorrow, and it'll be Celest's first visit there. She found out a few days ago that we were going, and has been begging to go ever since.

Laura today stated to me that this year would be my first ever fathers day as a father.

Here I sit, with an indescribable feeling of joy inside, thinking about my new family and how much I love them. I'm also thinking about how much I want for them, which pushes me back to working. And when I start to get distracted by my ADHD, I look at a picture of my daughters that I took a few weeks ago. It keeps me moving.

Right now, I'm fighting for my family. I have some tough decisions ahead that may be very necessary, but also worth it. After all, now I've got a family to think about.

So back to work I go. Time to fight for my family.

Honing my craft.

I got up this morning feeling productive. I drank my coffee, then took my daily walk with my iPhone loaded with pod casts. The podcast of choice for today….Sales Guy's Quick And Dirty Tips For Getting The Deal Done.

As I walked and listened to the podcast, they said one thing that showed me what I needed to do. They said to never forget that sales is merely discovering the need of the client, and telling them how you can meet that need. So in order to find out what their needs may really be, you should ask a lot of questions to really find the best way you can meet their needs.

While listening to this on my daily 2 mile walk, I pulled out my phone and started asking musicians on Facebook about their musical projects. Instead of coming in with "Hey I have a studio", I heard them out to see what they needed and found out what they were currently up to. When I found an in, I mentioned how I could help with a specific need they were having without being too pushy. It seems to have struck up several conversations today on Facebook that could lead to business.

So to anyone looking to hone their sales craft, I recommend that podcast. It's already helped me by giving me a clearer focus on how to find out what the musicians are looking for! Now I feel pumped and motivated to get out to shows and talk business with prospective clients! I've been going about it all wrong, and now I know what needs to be done!

Here I come Columbus. 4.6 years to get to the top, and I now see the path.

Where next?

Laura and I crossed our second National Park together off of our lists today. We've so far hit Cuyahoga Valley National Park and Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Now we're on our hunt for the next park on our list. We've got two that we're looking at, and the goal is to hit at least one of them at some point this year.

- Mammoth Cave National Park

This park is only about 5-6 hours from Laura's house in Columbus, and for that reason may be our next park. Plus, it would be a park that I haven't been to before, so we'd be both experiencing it together for the first time. Because of it's close proximity, it may only take two full gas tanks to get there and back. If we're eating from a cooler and car camping, this should be a snap.

- Shenandoah National Park

This would be a longer trek, at about 7.5 hours via car. This would also be a first visit for both of us, and the views from Skyline Drive are reputed to be some of the most stunning scenery this side of the Mississippi. I'd love to go hiking in the area as well, as trail hopping with Laura is now one of my favorite things to do.

- Great Smoky Mountains National Park

Ok, yeah, we've been here. But there's a chance my family will reconvene in July in Atlanta, and if Laura goes with me I can see no reason not to stop in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park again with her this summer. Maybe we'll get warmer temperatures, get to see some elk, and do a little hiking? Who knows?

At any rate, at the moment I think it's best to focus on two or three to cross off the list. This may be refined as times goes on, but I feel that Mammoth Cave National Park and Shenandoah National Park are two excellent starting points within reach at some point this year.

Hiking Cuyahoga Valley National Park

Laura and I will be hiking in Cuyahoga Valley National Park tomorrow. This is the closest park to my home in Marion, and although it's one of my least favorite, I'm still glad it was preserved. If you look at it from above, you'll see that it was the last remaining woodlands in the area and was nearly wiped out by development.

I will be talking to the park rangers about my Grand Canyon Petition. This won't be the main focus of the trip, which is more of a day trip so Laura and I can go hiking and mark our second National Park in our passports. However, if it hadn't been developed as much as it was, Ohio would've been a beautiful state. So perhaps it's fitting that I visit Cuyahoga Valley National Park while fighting to keep the Confluence area of the Grand Canyon preserved. I mean, by the time we preserved the Grand Canyon as a national park, there was a Navajo reservation on the eastern edge of it to protect that part from private hands, and the rest of the country was still developing westward. The canyon was grabbed before the great westward push was completed. It's sad that now the Navajo Nation is trying to develop the part of it that borders their land, especially when so many are against it. I mean, if you look at Savetheconfluence.com, you'll see many in the Native American community who are against the proposed developments in the Confluence Area of the Grand Canyon.



But being in Cuyahoga Valley National Park, where the development nearly wiped it out, will likely strengthen my resolve to keep fighting for the Canyon. I mean, look at it. There aren't many places in Ohio left where you can go to walk through a meadow as it used to be. There aren't many places in Ohio where you can see Bald Eagles nesting. A freeway, a golf course, and a concert amphitheater are all within the park's borders, which mar the potential this area would've had if it had been set aside earlier. But if not for those who wanted to preserve it, we wouldn't even have this park in my back yard.


Anyway, my personal mission aside, I'm looking forward to this trip. It'll be great to get out and spend a day hiking with Laura, and it'll be great to cross our second park together off our list. I remember after I proposed to Laura, and we had walked up to Clingman's Dome in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, we sat in the car and looked at the maps of all the parks in the country we got from the visitors center. I was thrilled that she seemed excited to be crossing parks off our list together. We sat there in the car, our passports stamped from our first joint park visit, and talked about which parks we'd like to visit. It's a memory I cherish, and I cherish the ability to make these new memories with Laura at the parks!

So I'll be posting pics and reporting back. Stay tuned.

What needs to change.

Ok, I'm examining what I need to do in order to pull off the monumental tasks ahead of me in life. Let's look at the immediate needs, specifically for the studio.



By December 31st, 2017, the aim is to have carved out a place at the top of the list in Central Ohio for Skyline Sound Studios. I'm aiming for the top, and plan to make it a self sustaining enterprise. Self sustaining, meaning that I'll have set it up to generate money on it's own while I sit back and collect a share of the profits.

In order to get to this….



….from this….



….I've got a long way to go. This means that I need clients asap. In order to get those clients, I need to sharpen my sales skills. This is only dawning on me now with a clear focus, even though it would've seemed to have been obvious. I knew I needed more business, but for some reason it's only now dawning on me that I need to focus my sales approach.

So I'm gonna look into some podcasts about sales, and try to make more of a presence for myself at shows in Columbus. I'm thinking tomorrow night one might find me on campus spreading business cards and getting chatty with musicians. We'll see.

Wish me luck.

Good things going on!

Despite the fact that I feel drained at the moment, it's actually a pretty exciting time right now. Let me recount what's happening right now. I'd like to go through some of those, that way it's apparent that things are actually looking good for me lately and I'm not just a negative bitchy person.

First of all, the Grand Canyon fight has been ramping up. After crawling up to 100 signatures, which I reached two days ago, I'm now at almost 150! The petition is spreading now more quickly than before, which is cool as hell! As shown, it's been showed on savetheconfluence.com. But today, I was interviewed for the Navajo Times!

Second of all, my podcast was re-birthed on Sunday! After two years in podfade, The Metal Shop Podcast has been resurrected! After just 48 hours, it's been downloaded 147 times! Two years away, and our fans still remember! As if that's not cool enough, I was asked to guest host episode 162 of the Home Recording Show! That should be up within 24 hours, which I anticipate will drive more traffic to The Metal Shop Podcast!

Those are two big personal geek outs that are happening right now, and I'm extremely proud of them. So that in mind, things are actually pretty good in some really cool ways!