Love, Hate, Sex, Pain

Love, Hate, Sex, Pain, It's complicating me sometimes

I never thought I'd relate to a Godsmack lyric.

Never. lol.

Trying to decode what's in my fucked up cranium this year has been one of the biggest challenges of my adult life. But I'm (hopefully) coming to some conclusions about what I need to do. I need to learn to love myself again, because right now I hate myself. Don't worry, I'm not the suicide type. In general I've always had a certain love for life. But lately, I've just hated my own life, and I know that a lot of people can relate to that.

I've never admitted it to her (though she'll probably read it here…..sorry), but after Sarah left, I realized that I had conformed a lot of what made me into who I was to fit the situation that I was in. I conformed my views on things, my actions, my hobbies…..there weren't many aspects of me that weren't conformed. This is one of the reasons why 1 year ago I had no desire to create my own music anymore. I was content just producing other people's music. But now that she's left the picture, I turned to music for solace, and found that I HAVE to have that in my life. I HAVE to have that outlet. Since then, I've stepped back out on the stage as a solo acoustic performer, and I've co-founded Project DIVIDE. But music is just one of the aspects of myself that I conformed.

So why did I do it? It wasn't so much that she wanted me to, but rather that I felt my needs were being fulfilled in the relationship. I didn't care anymore about any of those things, so I let them go. Though I will admit that there were aspects of me that I've since uncovered that I know were originally covered up for the sake of the relationship, but I won't get into that. Let's just say that if it were to come around again, she wouldn't recognize me, and I'm not compromising anymore.

So that sounds like a positive statement, and I realize that. So why do I hate myself? I've got a lot of good things going for me. I just got my job back, I'm making money, I've got some really awesome friends, I've got studio work, and above all I've been able to retain a roof over my head and not have a single utility turned off during my unemployment. The fighting spirit in me is reaching out for a high 5 right now! Things are going to be good in the future, as I've decided to be much more responsible with my spending habits, but I've touched on that in a previous blog. I've got a lot going for me right now.

But I've got problems too. I've got major ones. I go no further into this topic for privacy reasons, but I have some one I care about IMMENSELY who is depressed and is going through a tough time. That's wearing down on me.

I've got a lot of internal conflict too. I suppose this is all a part of the process of trying to rediscover who I am after having everything in life stripped away. But the fact is that it's overwhelming at times. I've made some stupid decisions, I had developed a drinking problem (I'm now for the most part sober….a beer or two here or there is no big deal, but my problem was beyond that as I spent every day for 3 whole weeks shit faced at one time…..not cool).

I know this will sound vague, but there are things that I know I want, but also things that I can't bring myself to take by the reigns yet because of all the internal conflict that I'm going through. I'm not going to be specific, but just know that it's not only causing me a lot of stress, but it's hurting someone else that I care about quite deeply. I feel that trying to address my own personal suffering is causing this person way too much un-needed stress. I'm beginning to wonder whether or not this person would be better off if I just let them be and quit indirectly hurting them.

So thats why I hate myself. I feel that on one hand, I need to be what's in my own best interest so I can figure out my own shit and be able to look at myself in the mirror in the morning, but on the other hand I know that this is hurting someone else very badly. I've always been a caring person who tries not to do others wrong, but I feel that I'm failing miserably in this case. The guilt of that is tearing me apart, and makes me wonder about my own self worth. Trying to figure out how to handle this when I'm so conflicted on what my own head is telling me is making life very difficult right now.

As I write this blog, I'm listening to the videosongs from Jack Conte's VS4 album. A friend of mine was right, Jack's stuff is great when you're sad. Here are some that are encompassing how I'm feeling lately.