WOW! What a turn around from the panic stricken morning I've had! I'm on cloud 9 right now!
I've been applying for work today, but my day turned around somewhat when I got ahold of my temp agency (who technically still employs me, I'm just between assignments…..) and they wanted me to come in for a video interview and drug screening Thursday. Evidently they have a few openings, they don't pay as well as the last job, but it's better than what I've earned this week. That was the first step in my day turning around!
Then I took stock of my hustle and bustle from this week trying to get studio clients after I found out I had been laid off. I realized that I've got 4 solid sessions this week, and a few others pending! I'm totally stoked about this increase in business! I guess it goes to show that the business is out there, you just have to ask for it!
This will help my income situation of course, but I can't live off of 4 sessions. I'm going to have to really work to get more clients. I mean I'm going to have to hustle my ass off! I still don't have a day job, and even though these 4 scheduled clients and the pending bookings I have will certainly help things quite a bit, I can't let this momentum sputter and die! I have to keep the ball rolling, which means attacking this thing full force! Applying for jobs left and right, attacking new business opportunities left and right for the studio……it's going to take a lot of work. But with rewards as sweet as these, it's going to definitely be worth it if it pays off!
Fingers crossed. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A sigh of relief.
Ok, so my temp agency got in touch with me today to set up an interview tomorrow, during which we'll be trying to place me in any number of their current openings. I'm always good at interviews, so I'm sure this will pan out well. It won't be as much as I was earning, which will really make things harder than they were, but they will be better than they now are so I can't complain. Let's see what happens.
This is a huge sigh of relief for me. LOTS of weight off my shoulders right now. I'm not gonna panic too much about the unemployment issue until I know if they can or can't place me. Meanwhile, I've got midi drum tracks to edit. If you'll excuse me.....
This is a huge sigh of relief for me. LOTS of weight off my shoulders right now. I'm not gonna panic too much about the unemployment issue until I know if they can or can't place me. Meanwhile, I've got midi drum tracks to edit. If you'll excuse me.....
Survival mode…..
I looked at my bank account this morning. Not much left in there after bills. I looked in my cabinets, not much left in there because I was going to go grocery shopping with my last check, but decided I'd better pay the bills since I had been let go. I look at my gas tank, not much in there because gasoline is so expensive and I spent the day 50 miles south in Columbus job hunting and visiting friends.
Panic is starting to creep in.
But what am I gonna do about it? I find myself in this situation, and only I can get myself out.
But that statement adds a level of fear to everything. Before Sarah left, I had a support structure financially. I took it for granted. I'm now paying the price for that.
I've got one last paycheck from my old day job coming in, and I've got some recording sessions coming up that have been booked, so I'm not at the end of my rope yet. But realizing how little I had currently and how little is coming in threw me into a panic.
I've got almost $70 in savings in an online bank account. That will be definitely coming out asap, but it's in an online account which means that I'll have to wait a week before I can see it.
I've got two clients at the studio with deficient balances that I'm trying to collect, but one of them was just laid off too, so it could take some time to collect, and the other one is still booking and still paying on the balance, so I can't really hound them for a payment that I know they are working on making.
How did I get here? Let's flash back to a year ago:
A year ago, I was making plans for a bright future in Ohio as I departed Colorado. I was stable, I had an ok job where I wasn't a temp, and I was doing well at it. I had studio clients that were rolling in, and I had great connections in the industry in Denver! I was going to come to Ohio and take over the local music scene with my studio, and things would be great. I was going to attend college to get a bachelors in business, and I had huge ambitions!
But then it all falls apart. We move to Ohio, and move to Marion of all places, thus stranding me an hour from my target studio market (Columbus) and from any jobs that want to may more than minimum wage. Sarah left me, increasing my financial burden and reducing the income in the house to just myself. My job's hours kept changing, putting a strain on my educational goals. And now having lost my job, I find myself in a sorry state as I look around and do damage control. I'm broke and unemployed an hour away from any good jobs with very little money coming in.
It's not a good place to be. I'm in a panic today. And so I turn to the world, here on my blog, to get it out. I have to allow myself to feel these feelings and give them a place to come out, or else they would just fester and come out in other ways.
It's hard to find the faith that I'll be ok in times like this. I feel that I'm at the bottom of the barrel today, and am trying to find the strength and conviction to make it through to the next dime coming into my possession. I don't wanna borrow money from anyone, I'm admittedly too proud (thanks Grandpa for making me as stubborn as you were..lol), but it may come to that point soon. I've got friends offering to help, but I won't take it unless I absolutely need to in order to survive.
I was talking to Bob Swanson a few days ago about all of this. He was talking about getting himself financially set up for retirement in 10 years, telling me that I should start planning that now when I'm 30 rather than when I'm his age, but then he acknowledged that at this second I'm likely in survival mode and just trying to stay afloat. I like how he put it, because it's a perfect depiction of where I am. Survival mode.
I don't wanna be in survival mode, but then again who really does? I realize that right now I've got to get my shit in order or else it's down with the ship. I don't wanna lose everything that I've worked for, although I suppose it could always be worse. But even though I always knew that I was one paycheck away from really tough times, it never sunk in that it was this bad.
But now I'm thinking that I've had enough of panic mode. I've definitely had enough of survival mode. I've had enough of life kicking me in the teeth this year. 2011 has been a catastrophe in many ways, but I'm finished with it. It's June, and I've got 6 months to turn my year around! I'm not going to sit idly by and let myself go down the drains! I'm going to get back up, dust myself off, and claw my way back out of this shit! The studio is about to go full strength. I'm going to be much more responsible financially. I'm going to survive this fall and I will thrive!
So now I'm in Scarlett O'Harra mode. I've hit the dirt, and now I'm ready to fight! "I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again!"
Panic is starting to creep in.
But what am I gonna do about it? I find myself in this situation, and only I can get myself out.
But that statement adds a level of fear to everything. Before Sarah left, I had a support structure financially. I took it for granted. I'm now paying the price for that.
I've got one last paycheck from my old day job coming in, and I've got some recording sessions coming up that have been booked, so I'm not at the end of my rope yet. But realizing how little I had currently and how little is coming in threw me into a panic.
I've got almost $70 in savings in an online bank account. That will be definitely coming out asap, but it's in an online account which means that I'll have to wait a week before I can see it.
I've got two clients at the studio with deficient balances that I'm trying to collect, but one of them was just laid off too, so it could take some time to collect, and the other one is still booking and still paying on the balance, so I can't really hound them for a payment that I know they are working on making.
How did I get here? Let's flash back to a year ago:
A year ago, I was making plans for a bright future in Ohio as I departed Colorado. I was stable, I had an ok job where I wasn't a temp, and I was doing well at it. I had studio clients that were rolling in, and I had great connections in the industry in Denver! I was going to come to Ohio and take over the local music scene with my studio, and things would be great. I was going to attend college to get a bachelors in business, and I had huge ambitions!
But then it all falls apart. We move to Ohio, and move to Marion of all places, thus stranding me an hour from my target studio market (Columbus) and from any jobs that want to may more than minimum wage. Sarah left me, increasing my financial burden and reducing the income in the house to just myself. My job's hours kept changing, putting a strain on my educational goals. And now having lost my job, I find myself in a sorry state as I look around and do damage control. I'm broke and unemployed an hour away from any good jobs with very little money coming in.
It's not a good place to be. I'm in a panic today. And so I turn to the world, here on my blog, to get it out. I have to allow myself to feel these feelings and give them a place to come out, or else they would just fester and come out in other ways.
It's hard to find the faith that I'll be ok in times like this. I feel that I'm at the bottom of the barrel today, and am trying to find the strength and conviction to make it through to the next dime coming into my possession. I don't wanna borrow money from anyone, I'm admittedly too proud (thanks Grandpa for making me as stubborn as you were..lol), but it may come to that point soon. I've got friends offering to help, but I won't take it unless I absolutely need to in order to survive.
I was talking to Bob Swanson a few days ago about all of this. He was talking about getting himself financially set up for retirement in 10 years, telling me that I should start planning that now when I'm 30 rather than when I'm his age, but then he acknowledged that at this second I'm likely in survival mode and just trying to stay afloat. I like how he put it, because it's a perfect depiction of where I am. Survival mode.
I don't wanna be in survival mode, but then again who really does? I realize that right now I've got to get my shit in order or else it's down with the ship. I don't wanna lose everything that I've worked for, although I suppose it could always be worse. But even though I always knew that I was one paycheck away from really tough times, it never sunk in that it was this bad.
But now I'm thinking that I've had enough of panic mode. I've definitely had enough of survival mode. I've had enough of life kicking me in the teeth this year. 2011 has been a catastrophe in many ways, but I'm finished with it. It's June, and I've got 6 months to turn my year around! I'm not going to sit idly by and let myself go down the drains! I'm going to get back up, dust myself off, and claw my way back out of this shit! The studio is about to go full strength. I'm going to be much more responsible financially. I'm going to survive this fall and I will thrive!
So now I'm in Scarlett O'Harra mode. I've hit the dirt, and now I'm ready to fight! "I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again!"
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Stunned.....
I'm stunned.
I got laid off yesterday. 2011 has been a great year for me so far! LOL!
Technically I'm still employed. I work for a temp agency and I was on a contract with a legal claims administrator call center. I can't say more than that. But my temp agency wants to see if they can place me in a new job Monday morning. Meanwhile, I'm stuck living in what was recently declared the poorest city in Ohio with hardly any cash left. I'm glad I've got some studio work coming in. Some of the work I've got right now is paying me with an exchange of equipment that I need (though right now I could use the cash more), and I can't go back on that deal at this point (though the client are friends and would understand if I said I had to, I just don't want it to get to that point). I've got a few other projects coming down with the studio, which is good, but it's time to ramp up my efforts to find clients for Skyline. I'm going to be out in Columbus tonight at the Alrosa in full force pimping my operation, but first I have a contract meeting in 2 hours, followed by a job hunt at the public library.
It's also time to start searching for a new day job, though I doubt I'll find something that paid as well as I was earning at my last assignment with my temp agency. Who knows, maybe the temp agency will be able to place me somewhere great Monday and it'll all work itself out! Or maybe they'll give me a crappy job with crappy hours and crappy pay that I can't afford to even go to because of the high gas prices and the 50+ mile commute! Who knows at this point.
I can tell there's going to be some panic creeping in at some point. Right now I'm more stunned than anything, and I'm not really thinking too much about how I'm going to stay afloat. I have $70 in savings, which isn't going to help a damn thing, but it's good to know it's there (though the point of saving is to forget it's there til it's ABSOLUTELY needed, it just might come down to that soon).
This brings me to a rant about the state of employment in our country. The last two jobs I've had were with temp agencies. I realize that a job is better than no job, but it seems that for a while all I was seeing was temp jobs. I don't know if that's still the case, I haven't been looking at the job market since October. But if it's still the case, then I have to say that we're in sad shape. Here's why.
There's no such thing as job security. There never has been, there never will be. It's an illusion created to help people feel that they'll be ok, and for some people they do make it. But for some, as soon as the economy goes south or the cost of production changes or the technology used to produce a good or service changes, they get let go because the company needs to keep it's bottom line healthy. I don't blame the company, it's main focus is to try to maximize profits and keep growing! It's a business, not a welfare office! If I were in charge of a company that had to make the tough decision to lay off some of it's employees, I can only imagine how hard that decision would be to execute. However, it would be an easy decision to have to make. Do I keep my company healthy and growing, therefore keeping the entity as a whole afloat by getting rid of the part that could be dragging us under, or do I feel bad for people who's lives will be ruined by that decision and keep them all on board while the whole ship goes down?! Easy decision. I let go of what's dragging us down. Hard decision to execute, and I guarantee I'd lose sleep over it.
But here's where I find a problem. I noticed a trend after the economy started rebounding. All the jobs, as I pointed out, are temp jobs! Why is that? Well, from what I understand it's easier to get the manpower needed by hiring temps than by hiring your own workers. You can pay them less, and they aren't technically YOUR employees. If you need to trim the proverbial fat, you just end their assignment and have their agency try to place them somewhere else. Let the temp agency deal with the employment issues. Companies were scared to hire on full time employees because no one knew where the economy was heading. This was an easy way for them to get the manpower they needed when they needed it without having to commit to actually HIRING anyone.
I've seen more and more "now hiring" signs lately, so hopefully this trend is coming to an end. But one things for sure. I don't believe that our country's work force can sustain itself by only being able to get temp jobs. A job is a job, but if all the jobs are expendable, what does that mean to our economy?
The reality of my situation will no doubt sink in very very soon, and I'll start panicking. I haven't reached that point though, as I'm trying to stay positive and search for new opportunities. I'm trying to look at this as the proverbial slate being wiped clean, putting me on the path that I really belong on. After all, if there's one thing I can say about 2011, it's been a year of confusion and challenge in the face of unwanted change and adversity. There isn't a SINGLE aspect of my life that is the same as it was 12 months ago. Not ONE.
Wish me luck.
I got laid off yesterday. 2011 has been a great year for me so far! LOL!
Technically I'm still employed. I work for a temp agency and I was on a contract with a legal claims administrator call center. I can't say more than that. But my temp agency wants to see if they can place me in a new job Monday morning. Meanwhile, I'm stuck living in what was recently declared the poorest city in Ohio with hardly any cash left. I'm glad I've got some studio work coming in. Some of the work I've got right now is paying me with an exchange of equipment that I need (though right now I could use the cash more), and I can't go back on that deal at this point (though the client are friends and would understand if I said I had to, I just don't want it to get to that point). I've got a few other projects coming down with the studio, which is good, but it's time to ramp up my efforts to find clients for Skyline. I'm going to be out in Columbus tonight at the Alrosa in full force pimping my operation, but first I have a contract meeting in 2 hours, followed by a job hunt at the public library.
It's also time to start searching for a new day job, though I doubt I'll find something that paid as well as I was earning at my last assignment with my temp agency. Who knows, maybe the temp agency will be able to place me somewhere great Monday and it'll all work itself out! Or maybe they'll give me a crappy job with crappy hours and crappy pay that I can't afford to even go to because of the high gas prices and the 50+ mile commute! Who knows at this point.
I can tell there's going to be some panic creeping in at some point. Right now I'm more stunned than anything, and I'm not really thinking too much about how I'm going to stay afloat. I have $70 in savings, which isn't going to help a damn thing, but it's good to know it's there (though the point of saving is to forget it's there til it's ABSOLUTELY needed, it just might come down to that soon).
This brings me to a rant about the state of employment in our country. The last two jobs I've had were with temp agencies. I realize that a job is better than no job, but it seems that for a while all I was seeing was temp jobs. I don't know if that's still the case, I haven't been looking at the job market since October. But if it's still the case, then I have to say that we're in sad shape. Here's why.
There's no such thing as job security. There never has been, there never will be. It's an illusion created to help people feel that they'll be ok, and for some people they do make it. But for some, as soon as the economy goes south or the cost of production changes or the technology used to produce a good or service changes, they get let go because the company needs to keep it's bottom line healthy. I don't blame the company, it's main focus is to try to maximize profits and keep growing! It's a business, not a welfare office! If I were in charge of a company that had to make the tough decision to lay off some of it's employees, I can only imagine how hard that decision would be to execute. However, it would be an easy decision to have to make. Do I keep my company healthy and growing, therefore keeping the entity as a whole afloat by getting rid of the part that could be dragging us under, or do I feel bad for people who's lives will be ruined by that decision and keep them all on board while the whole ship goes down?! Easy decision. I let go of what's dragging us down. Hard decision to execute, and I guarantee I'd lose sleep over it.
But here's where I find a problem. I noticed a trend after the economy started rebounding. All the jobs, as I pointed out, are temp jobs! Why is that? Well, from what I understand it's easier to get the manpower needed by hiring temps than by hiring your own workers. You can pay them less, and they aren't technically YOUR employees. If you need to trim the proverbial fat, you just end their assignment and have their agency try to place them somewhere else. Let the temp agency deal with the employment issues. Companies were scared to hire on full time employees because no one knew where the economy was heading. This was an easy way for them to get the manpower they needed when they needed it without having to commit to actually HIRING anyone.
I've seen more and more "now hiring" signs lately, so hopefully this trend is coming to an end. But one things for sure. I don't believe that our country's work force can sustain itself by only being able to get temp jobs. A job is a job, but if all the jobs are expendable, what does that mean to our economy?
The reality of my situation will no doubt sink in very very soon, and I'll start panicking. I haven't reached that point though, as I'm trying to stay positive and search for new opportunities. I'm trying to look at this as the proverbial slate being wiped clean, putting me on the path that I really belong on. After all, if there's one thing I can say about 2011, it's been a year of confusion and challenge in the face of unwanted change and adversity. There isn't a SINGLE aspect of my life that is the same as it was 12 months ago. Not ONE.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Overthinking?
A thought has persevered in my head tonight. As I sit here cramming for my final, listening to pomplamoose, I reflect on my recent blog posts. I think I'm coming to a good place now mentally. I'm realizing suddenly that I'm overthinking some things. What's all this pressure to figure myself out? I've got my whole life to do that!
Seriously. I've been mostly talking about negative things on this blog since I reactivated it a few weeks ago. I'm not all brooding and sad all the time, I swear to you. But this has been a great outlet for those things that have come up. I know at least a handful of my friends have been reading it, and who knows who else. Thank you to those of you who have been. But those of you who know me personally know that I'm not all sad and down in the dumps all the time. I'm actually a pretty goofy fun-lovin mother fucker!
Which brings me to right now. I'm happy. I mean in general, I'm happy. It's been a while. Since Sarah left, I've had things I've been down about preventing this from happening. But right now, I'm just enjoying the feeling of being happy in general. So I'm letting go of the pressure to figure myself out soon, and instead I'm going to go with the flow and see where it takes me. I feel right now that chasing self realization could be, in my case, like a dog chasing it's tail. I may catch it, but I might also destroy the living room in the process! And after I've caught it, then what?! I'm more inclined now to feel like living in the moment is the way to go. Self realization is something that I now feel comes with hindsight and reflection. I've been reflecting a lot on those things that I can see in hindsight, and trying to improve myself based on what I saw. Maybe it's something you can chase but never catch up to?!
I'm letting it go. I just wanna enjoy what's before me and make the most of my life.
Of course all this could change tomorrow, but this is how I'm feeling right now. I hope it sticks, cause it's pretty awesome.
Seriously. I've been mostly talking about negative things on this blog since I reactivated it a few weeks ago. I'm not all brooding and sad all the time, I swear to you. But this has been a great outlet for those things that have come up. I know at least a handful of my friends have been reading it, and who knows who else. Thank you to those of you who have been. But those of you who know me personally know that I'm not all sad and down in the dumps all the time. I'm actually a pretty goofy fun-lovin mother fucker!
Which brings me to right now. I'm happy. I mean in general, I'm happy. It's been a while. Since Sarah left, I've had things I've been down about preventing this from happening. But right now, I'm just enjoying the feeling of being happy in general. So I'm letting go of the pressure to figure myself out soon, and instead I'm going to go with the flow and see where it takes me. I feel right now that chasing self realization could be, in my case, like a dog chasing it's tail. I may catch it, but I might also destroy the living room in the process! And after I've caught it, then what?! I'm more inclined now to feel like living in the moment is the way to go. Self realization is something that I now feel comes with hindsight and reflection. I've been reflecting a lot on those things that I can see in hindsight, and trying to improve myself based on what I saw. Maybe it's something you can chase but never catch up to?!
I'm letting it go. I just wanna enjoy what's before me and make the most of my life.
Of course all this could change tomorrow, but this is how I'm feeling right now. I hope it sticks, cause it's pretty awesome.
Open
In my relationship with Sarah, I admit that I was sort of a clam. I'd hold things in and not talk about them. I did this for two reasons.
1. It was easy. Often it was the easier thing to do!
2. I couldn't always interpret what I was feeling in order to talk about it.
Ultimately this led to lack of communication and complacency, which I do believe were contributing to the nails that I was putting in the coffin. She may say that she had her own nails to contribute, but I'm not able to speak to that. I can only speak on what I could've done better.
I'm trying to be a better person. I'm working on the things that I know I can change about myself, and trying to be more open in general. I don't wanna be able to look back at another failed relationship and say that I could've done this or that better. I wanna know that if / when this happens again I gave it my best shot and put my best foot forward.
This is one of many reasons why I feel that this blog is a good idea. It keeps me open. I can't hide from things anymore and ignore them, because they are in an open format for the whole world to see. This not only helps me to interpret what's going on, but it encourages dialogue. This is something that I learned just a few moments ago when someone read my last blog post and was concerned about what it meant. This has proven itself to be a great way of keeping me from clamming up, and help keep the lines of communication open!
So thank you Blogger, and thank you Facebook, for giving me the tools to aid in my self improvement. It's rather amazing actually, and I thought in some ways I'd hate being so open and public about certain things. But it's actually kind of freeing to get some things off my chest as I'm feeling them, and it's equally freeing to let them go public. When I post a blog, I can't hide from those feelings I had anymore. I have to own up to it, and people can call me on it or talk to me about things that concern them.
I don't think I'll be stopping anytime soon.
1. It was easy. Often it was the easier thing to do!
2. I couldn't always interpret what I was feeling in order to talk about it.
Ultimately this led to lack of communication and complacency, which I do believe were contributing to the nails that I was putting in the coffin. She may say that she had her own nails to contribute, but I'm not able to speak to that. I can only speak on what I could've done better.
I'm trying to be a better person. I'm working on the things that I know I can change about myself, and trying to be more open in general. I don't wanna be able to look back at another failed relationship and say that I could've done this or that better. I wanna know that if / when this happens again I gave it my best shot and put my best foot forward.
This is one of many reasons why I feel that this blog is a good idea. It keeps me open. I can't hide from things anymore and ignore them, because they are in an open format for the whole world to see. This not only helps me to interpret what's going on, but it encourages dialogue. This is something that I learned just a few moments ago when someone read my last blog post and was concerned about what it meant. This has proven itself to be a great way of keeping me from clamming up, and help keep the lines of communication open!
So thank you Blogger, and thank you Facebook, for giving me the tools to aid in my self improvement. It's rather amazing actually, and I thought in some ways I'd hate being so open and public about certain things. But it's actually kind of freeing to get some things off my chest as I'm feeling them, and it's equally freeing to let them go public. When I post a blog, I can't hide from those feelings I had anymore. I have to own up to it, and people can call me on it or talk to me about things that concern them.
I don't think I'll be stopping anytime soon.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
.....Clarity.....
It's been a rough night. Well, let me rephrase. Tonight was a great night, until I was on my way home and was deleting old voicemails from my phone. I then noticed that there was a cluster of voicemails from Sarah from back in February, which is the ill fated month when the bottom fell out of my sanity as she packed her bags and moved away. It was on February 5th, I was at work, it was snowing outside, and I knew that when I returned home everything would be different.
Listening to those voicemails highlited a few things for me. I'm still fucked up. I can't help it, there's nothing to be done other than to just let myself heal. A friend told me that some psychologist (i think) states that it takes one month for every year that you were in a relationship to fully get over it. In that case, I'm pretty fucked after 12 years! I want to be over all of this already! This is getting beyond rediculous and annoying. I was listening to those voicemails from back then (I can't believe it's been 4 months now! Seems like an eternity!), and I can tell there is still some healing to be done! I mean, we were together for nearly 12 years! It's logical to think that I'm going to need some time to deal with the feelings of abandonment that are associated with that, but part of me thinks that my solutions to that have been selfish and focused more on filling the loneliness rather than healing the wounds.
But now all of this begs a very important question. Am I ready emotionally to be getting involved with someone else? Well, it's too late in some ways, I've done it! But it's been a very confusing and conflicted experience in some ways. I may like a person, be completely thrilled about them when I'm around them, only to be confused about what I want out of the situation when they aren't around! Sadly, this cycle has repeated itself with more than one person. I don't know if I am able yet to truely be emotionally ready for someone the way I should be if I am in a relationship, and part of that I believe has to do with the fact that I may still be skiddish after being abandoned. Is it that I'm scared to let someone in? Is it that I'm not sure I want to be with just one person yet? I was exclusive to one single person for 12 years! It makes a certain level of sense that I'd wanna explore my options in some ways to figure out what I'm looking for in a new situation! Is it that I'm still healing the scars from the last relationship and those scars are affecting my ability to be where I feel I would need to be if I were to be in another relationship?
One thing's for sure about all of this confusion. THIS SUCKS! It causes me to have doubts about situations I'm in, and they aren't the fault of the person I'm with. I'm not sure how fair it is for me to string anyone along while I try to figure out what's in my head. What if they get emotionally invested and then I come to a realization that doesn't work in their favor? I don't wanna hurt anyone (Unfortunately, it's too late for that on one front). I'm not even sure I want some things to change! I just simply don't know! But one thing is certain. I feel like the pressure is on to get this shit figured out, as now other people's feelings are involved!
I'm tired of being so confused. I've been drinking a lot more lately, both socially and alone. I get tension headaches from time to time because of how hard I think on these issues. I just wish I had some clarity.
Listening to those voicemails highlited a few things for me. I'm still fucked up. I can't help it, there's nothing to be done other than to just let myself heal. A friend told me that some psychologist (i think) states that it takes one month for every year that you were in a relationship to fully get over it. In that case, I'm pretty fucked after 12 years! I want to be over all of this already! This is getting beyond rediculous and annoying. I was listening to those voicemails from back then (I can't believe it's been 4 months now! Seems like an eternity!), and I can tell there is still some healing to be done! I mean, we were together for nearly 12 years! It's logical to think that I'm going to need some time to deal with the feelings of abandonment that are associated with that, but part of me thinks that my solutions to that have been selfish and focused more on filling the loneliness rather than healing the wounds.
But now all of this begs a very important question. Am I ready emotionally to be getting involved with someone else? Well, it's too late in some ways, I've done it! But it's been a very confusing and conflicted experience in some ways. I may like a person, be completely thrilled about them when I'm around them, only to be confused about what I want out of the situation when they aren't around! Sadly, this cycle has repeated itself with more than one person. I don't know if I am able yet to truely be emotionally ready for someone the way I should be if I am in a relationship, and part of that I believe has to do with the fact that I may still be skiddish after being abandoned. Is it that I'm scared to let someone in? Is it that I'm not sure I want to be with just one person yet? I was exclusive to one single person for 12 years! It makes a certain level of sense that I'd wanna explore my options in some ways to figure out what I'm looking for in a new situation! Is it that I'm still healing the scars from the last relationship and those scars are affecting my ability to be where I feel I would need to be if I were to be in another relationship?
One thing's for sure about all of this confusion. THIS SUCKS! It causes me to have doubts about situations I'm in, and they aren't the fault of the person I'm with. I'm not sure how fair it is for me to string anyone along while I try to figure out what's in my head. What if they get emotionally invested and then I come to a realization that doesn't work in their favor? I don't wanna hurt anyone (Unfortunately, it's too late for that on one front). I'm not even sure I want some things to change! I just simply don't know! But one thing is certain. I feel like the pressure is on to get this shit figured out, as now other people's feelings are involved!
I'm tired of being so confused. I've been drinking a lot more lately, both socially and alone. I get tension headaches from time to time because of how hard I think on these issues. I just wish I had some clarity.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I was meant for more…..
Ok, anyone who knows me knows that I've always had loads of ambition. I own my own business, and I'm a musician trying to make his mark. Yeah, I've got ambition to spare! So the above title shouldn't come to a shock to many of you. I also don't want anyone to feel like I'm bitching, because that's totally not the case. I think this is just another milestone in my quest for self realization after Sarah left. Let me explain.
I'm finding happiness in many places here in Ohio. I'm making great friends, experiencing new things, and finding out a lot about myself. I'm using this as an opportunity to work on me. In general, I've not got a lot to bitch about right now. It's a very exciting time in my life. I'm happy with who and what is in my life.
But I want more. Let me explain.
Ohio is boring. It's too flat and plain (no pun intended). I woke up this morning and looked around. I realized that I'm sick and tired of this place. I love the people in my life, and I know that's more important than where you live, but I feel that I need to do something grand while I still have the chance, and that may mean a complete change in venue. If all I ever did was follow Sarah around the country, but then stay in Ohio for the rest of my life after she left…..I'd be pretty pissed at myself in 20 years. I've got an opportunity now to find out where I want to be. This is, after all, MY time.
So maybe my recent wanderlust really means something else entirely. Maybe it means that I want to see open road in front of me because I want to get the holy fuck out of Ohio!
But where would I go? Well, my head keeps longing for the Rocky Mountains. I really feel that I would start my new journey in Colorado. I've got friends and a network in that area, so it would be an easy start. But do I want an easy start? Should I start completely over and go somewhere completely new? I know for a fact that it would be in the west, but there are so many options out there! I'd have to explore my options, but I also think that part of me would just want to land in Denver and see what happens from there! I mean, why not go back to my other home to start my new life?
None of this would happen tomorrow. This would be a big process, and would take some time to plan. But know that it's now something that I'm hoping to attain soon.
As usual, thanks for reading.
I'm finding happiness in many places here in Ohio. I'm making great friends, experiencing new things, and finding out a lot about myself. I'm using this as an opportunity to work on me. In general, I've not got a lot to bitch about right now. It's a very exciting time in my life. I'm happy with who and what is in my life.
But I want more. Let me explain.
Ohio is boring. It's too flat and plain (no pun intended). I woke up this morning and looked around. I realized that I'm sick and tired of this place. I love the people in my life, and I know that's more important than where you live, but I feel that I need to do something grand while I still have the chance, and that may mean a complete change in venue. If all I ever did was follow Sarah around the country, but then stay in Ohio for the rest of my life after she left…..I'd be pretty pissed at myself in 20 years. I've got an opportunity now to find out where I want to be. This is, after all, MY time.
So maybe my recent wanderlust really means something else entirely. Maybe it means that I want to see open road in front of me because I want to get the holy fuck out of Ohio!
But where would I go? Well, my head keeps longing for the Rocky Mountains. I really feel that I would start my new journey in Colorado. I've got friends and a network in that area, so it would be an easy start. But do I want an easy start? Should I start completely over and go somewhere completely new? I know for a fact that it would be in the west, but there are so many options out there! I'd have to explore my options, but I also think that part of me would just want to land in Denver and see what happens from there! I mean, why not go back to my other home to start my new life?
None of this would happen tomorrow. This would be a big process, and would take some time to plan. But know that it's now something that I'm hoping to attain soon.
As usual, thanks for reading.
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