.....The next chapter.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

I think I've finally come to the point where I'm ready to close the 2011 chapter and move on to the 2012 chapter. This means moving on once and for all from dwelling on what I've gone through, and trying to focus only on building my life from this point on. This took some time to achieve, and included some mental anguish (during which my blog posts sounded like the rantings of a whining emo jerkface), but over the holidays I turned a corner and now feel that I may finally be free from it all.

I had something brewing under the surface in the weeks approaching Christmas, and it was causing a nervous tension between Laura and I. We both noticed it, but neither of us brought it up. A few days before Christmas, I was really tense and I was trying to just ignore the fact that Christmas was on us. I was approaching Christmas as minimally as possible, feeling that if I could just get past this holiday without involving Sarah, I'd be reclaiming that part of my life forever. But I was unable to isolate why I felt that way, and unable to isolate why I was feeling so withdrawn. It was having an impact on my interactions with Laura, as I was noticably more withdrawn and somewhat numb. Then on Christmas eve, she finally broke that ice.

She brought it up, asking what was going on, and that forced me to examine it. I realized that what I was upset about was the fact that I wouldn't be spending the holiday with a sect of what I consider my family simply because of Sarah. She wanted me to come over to her house for the holiday, but I needed this one to be Sarah free so that I could move on. However, this meant that I wouldn't see her family, who I care about and have adopted as my own family over the last 12 years. This was what was upsetting me beneath the surface, and when I finally was able to isolate that, I felt a huge weight lift off of me. This tore down the wall I had been building, and made me realize that it was ok that I wouldn't see them this year. I needed to be Sarah free for the first Christmas since 1998, and that made me sad that I'd be missing seeing certain people I cared about. I was still sad about it, but I was aware of that now and able to process it and move on from that sadness.

In that realization, I turned a corner. I now am feeling that I can finally put all of this whiny emo bullshit aside, and move on with my life. I'm looking forward to 2012, as it will symbolize a brand new beginning for me. It'll symbolize the proverbial slate being wiped clean, and it'll be a celebration of the new life path before me. I'm back on my budget, I'm working hard at my musical and business ventures, I'm in school, I have an income, I have a car, I have food in my cupboard, and I have a beautiful woman who loves me. I'm thankful to be so blessed, and I am ready to stop bitching about what I've lost. I'm ready to start living my life unincumbered by the suffereing I went through in 2011, and am ready to start living my life as a happy, mentally balanced adult who appreciates what life has given him.

With that, 2012 will be the year I turn my life around and live it finally on my terms. I'm in an ass kicking, take no prisoners mindset. It's time for happiness to prevail in my life yet again.