Who I never want to be

I was raised by a man that was not my father. The man who raised me, I refer to as Dad, cause that's what he is. He was there for me as a kid, taught me to play catch, yada yada yada.....

My father, I met for the first time when I was 15. We met over pizza and discussed the family that I'd never met. Then he vanished from my life again.

I made a few attempts to meet with him, and nothing really came to fruition. So eventually, after one last attempt before moving to Colorado, I gave up. I figured I'd given it a shot, and the ball would forever be in his court.

He picked it up when I was turning 28. He contacted me and apologized for bis absence, and after a few weeks of thought, I responded. We've been talking since. I eventually forgave him, although truth be told I still harbor some resentment, but that's my burden to bear. You can forgive, but it's hard to forget.

Fast forward.

My father always talks about what he wants to do. He always talks about what he wants to see before he dies, cause he's never seen much of the country. He always talks about ambitions and goals that he wants to undertake.............then he sits on his ass and smokes his cigarettes.

Recently, he severed ties with a relationship, and when the ship was going down, I offered him a temporary place to hang his hat while he picked up the pieces. He actually made an agreement with me to move in for a few weeks, so I cleared out the room that was the band lounge at my studio and set it up for him.....

....While having this conversation, he discussed his desire to make this be his chance to do what he wanted in life finally, and go move to the ocean.....

....two days later he posted on facebook that he was moving to Marietta. He never called, he never wrote, he never texted......real dick move.

So this pissed me off, for obvious reasons. The least he could've done was to let me know.............actually, that's wrong. The least he could do was what he did, and not bother with me.

When I asked him why he was going back to Marietta, and not following his lifes dream of moving to the ocean, he implied that it was the safer road and made excuses.

So not only am I pissed about his lack of consideration for me after telling me that he'd move in, but I'm also kinda seeing him finally as a fucking coward. This is a shame, because I wanted to know him. I'm not writing him off, but at this point, he's put in zero effort in his role to me as a father. I've forgiven the past wrongs done, and although the scars are still there, that's my cross to bear now.

But the simple fact that he was so easily willing to just give up and move back to Marietta instead of following his dream......I never want to be that. You only get one fucking shot in this world, and you can't let anything hold you back. I learned that early on, when mom died. It could go away at any time, and nothing is ever certain, so why the fuck would you waste your time playing it safe in life when it's all up in the air ultimately anyway?! It makes no sense.

So maybe that's a valuable lesson that he did give me. It's a cliche', but maybe my father showed me who I never want to be. So for that, I say thank you. And to my dad, who fought to be there for me even when it wasn't favorable, thank you for always being there.