.....The next chapter.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

I think I've finally come to the point where I'm ready to close the 2011 chapter and move on to the 2012 chapter. This means moving on once and for all from dwelling on what I've gone through, and trying to focus only on building my life from this point on. This took some time to achieve, and included some mental anguish (during which my blog posts sounded like the rantings of a whining emo jerkface), but over the holidays I turned a corner and now feel that I may finally be free from it all.

I had something brewing under the surface in the weeks approaching Christmas, and it was causing a nervous tension between Laura and I. We both noticed it, but neither of us brought it up. A few days before Christmas, I was really tense and I was trying to just ignore the fact that Christmas was on us. I was approaching Christmas as minimally as possible, feeling that if I could just get past this holiday without involving Sarah, I'd be reclaiming that part of my life forever. But I was unable to isolate why I felt that way, and unable to isolate why I was feeling so withdrawn. It was having an impact on my interactions with Laura, as I was noticably more withdrawn and somewhat numb. Then on Christmas eve, she finally broke that ice.

She brought it up, asking what was going on, and that forced me to examine it. I realized that what I was upset about was the fact that I wouldn't be spending the holiday with a sect of what I consider my family simply because of Sarah. She wanted me to come over to her house for the holiday, but I needed this one to be Sarah free so that I could move on. However, this meant that I wouldn't see her family, who I care about and have adopted as my own family over the last 12 years. This was what was upsetting me beneath the surface, and when I finally was able to isolate that, I felt a huge weight lift off of me. This tore down the wall I had been building, and made me realize that it was ok that I wouldn't see them this year. I needed to be Sarah free for the first Christmas since 1998, and that made me sad that I'd be missing seeing certain people I cared about. I was still sad about it, but I was aware of that now and able to process it and move on from that sadness.

In that realization, I turned a corner. I now am feeling that I can finally put all of this whiny emo bullshit aside, and move on with my life. I'm looking forward to 2012, as it will symbolize a brand new beginning for me. It'll symbolize the proverbial slate being wiped clean, and it'll be a celebration of the new life path before me. I'm back on my budget, I'm working hard at my musical and business ventures, I'm in school, I have an income, I have a car, I have food in my cupboard, and I have a beautiful woman who loves me. I'm thankful to be so blessed, and I am ready to stop bitching about what I've lost. I'm ready to start living my life unincumbered by the suffereing I went through in 2011, and am ready to start living my life as a happy, mentally balanced adult who appreciates what life has given him.

With that, 2012 will be the year I turn my life around and live it finally on my terms. I'm in an ass kicking, take no prisoners mindset. It's time for happiness to prevail in my life yet again.

Textbooks.

I think I'm gonna go into the textbook writing market. If I can get several teachers at several colleges to require my textbooks, then I'll be in for a fortune!

Sarcasm aside, I thought educators were supposed to make it easier for students, not harder. Tuition is hard enough to afford without going into a mountain of debt, and considering that there is no guarantee of a job when you graduate, this is a large financial risk with no guarantee of a return. If it doesn't work out in your favor, welcome to a lifetime of debt!

So then why are the prices of textbooks so high at colleges? I signed up for winter classes at Columbus State Community College, and I was appauled at the prices of my textbooks! This is nothing new, but I'm floored every quarter by the outrageous cost of a book that I'm gonna use for 10 weeks, then sell back for 1/5 of the price I paid for it IF I'M LUCKY!

One option to combat this is to enter the used book market to buy my books on the cheap, and this is an option I'm exploring. But there is a problem. It would seem that the book publishers have learned that their books aren't being bought new by every student, and have figured out a scheme to ensure that the students go further into debt in order to buy the new book from them, hence increasing the publisher's profit margins exponentially. This is by offering extra material in addition to the book that is only accessible online through the use of a pass code, which incidentally only comes with a new book! If it doesn't come with a new book, it can be sold separately for around $80!

That's right, $80 for access to an online database you'll use for 10-15 weeks then never go back to!

I thought the schools were supposed to offer the learning materials, but instead they are letting us buy more of it from the textbook companies. The problem is that the textbook companies are charging us out the ass for books we never open, and the school is requiring us to access data that is overpriced! This is only a drop in the bucket of the problem of high student debt, but it is a contributor nonetheless.

It would seem that capitolism has a stranglehold on our higher educations, and it won't let go.

Understanding.....

With time comes understanding, and with understanding comes healing, and with healing comes the ability to close the doors and move on.

I think I'm nearing the understanding phase of my divorce.

Let's explain.

Sarah and I were together from July 4th, 1999 to Christmas Day 2010. (Wow, one holiday to another, weird coincidence). That's a long time. So on one hand, it's understandable that our split would cause some inner turmoil and emotional issues that I would have to deal with. But I feel that what I've gone through is above and beyond that, and if the split had happened in a better way things would have likely been better for me emotionally this year.

There was no easy way to do what Sarah felt she needed to do, I get that. I do feel that the split itself could've gone better, but it is how it is. Eventually she did what she needed to do and just got out of the house, but that was 6 weeks after she dropped the bombshell on me, and 4 months after she implied that she was losing interest and started avoiding me at all costs, while trying to distance herself from me and making me sleep in the lazy boy in the living room.

I realize that she didn't know what she wanted to do and hadn't made up her mind, but I feel that on her end it could've been handled with more grace to spare me some psychological damage. If she hadn't avoided me at all costs, ignored my phone calls, tried to pretend to her friends that I wasn't living there anymore when in fact I was, and made me feel like I was something to be ashamed of, it might not have hurt (as bad anyway) on February 5th when I came home to an empty house.

I'm not blameless in how my year went after that. I hate many of the things I've done this year to Laura in my emotional aftermath of hurricane Sarah, and she didn't deserve any of it, yet she put up with it and tries to offer as much understanding as she's capable of offering. Still, I'll always hate that Laura came back into my life at that exact time, because I fear the damage I've done to her as a result of the hell I was going through. That said, I'm so thrilled to have her in my life, and I don't ever want that to change.

But I'm starting to realize and understand that my year has been hell because of the damage done to me by this messy split. I mean, when you drop the bomb "accidentally" on Christmas Day that we're no longer together, how can you expect me to look at Christmas the same the following year? It's not a fun holiday, for the first time in 12 years. When you leave me feeling like I'm second class and not worth your time, it's natural to expect me to have some identity issues and confusion about what I wanted in the aftermath. When you leave in general, it's natural to expect me to be angry about it, and when it's been 12 years, it's natural for me to be angry and feel abandoned for a while after that.

Long story short, i've been damaged by the way it went down. I've gone through hell to come out on this end, nearly a year later, and now I'm starting to see why I was so damaged. It was the shitty way this breakup was handled.

So now that I get it, my hope is that I can just move beyond the anger and move on with my life. I've moved on in many ways, I'm in a new relationship after all. My life with Laura is awesome, even though I feel terrible crippling guilt a lot of the time for how I treated her when I was going through all of this and sorting myself out.

So now that I understand it all more clearly, one hopes I can just get past it and focus on moving on. I think maybe it's time for that to happen, cause quite frankly, I'm growing weary of bitching about this all the time on this blog. I feel like anyone who reads it will think that all I do is sit around and mope about this hell of a year I've been through. I feel like I'm hesitant to even post these whiny blogs to facebook anymore because of that. Whining isn't all I do, but it's naturally going to happen. So when you yourself are getting sick and tired of your own bitching, you know it's likely time to get over it and move on. That's the beginning of the healing phase, and I think that I'm getting there at long last.

Image lifted from aroundtheworldineightyyears.com

Odd fluctuations.

I find it strange how often my mood about things fluctuates. I'm going constantly between being moody and emo about things to being pissed off to being optimistic to being emo and moody again. It's happening too often. I'm starting to wonder if there's not something deeper going on that needs addressed, but even if I could afford a therapist, when the hell would I find the time?

I'm extremely optimistic about my 5 year plan. I get really happy and excited thinking about moving back to Colorado. But then I get really pissed off at having left, and how things fell apart after I left. Then I get happy about my relationship and the way things are going in some respects, but then I get all moody and emo about everything that's happened over the last 18 months.

I want some stability. I'm sick and tired of not being sure what the hell I want, or what the hell I am feeling. I'm also getting really sick and tired of bitching about missing Colorado. I don't want it any less, but I'm getting tired of bitching about being away from it.

I guess I don't understand where I'm at emotionally at the moment, and that's frustrating. It doesn't seem I can get what I want without massive amounts of work and patience, and that creates a lot of anger because I don't want to have to wait any longer.

I just don't wanna be all moody and emo anymore. I want stability emotionally, and I want to be happy.

Who I never want to be

I was raised by a man that was not my father. The man who raised me, I refer to as Dad, cause that's what he is. He was there for me as a kid, taught me to play catch, yada yada yada.....

My father, I met for the first time when I was 15. We met over pizza and discussed the family that I'd never met. Then he vanished from my life again.

I made a few attempts to meet with him, and nothing really came to fruition. So eventually, after one last attempt before moving to Colorado, I gave up. I figured I'd given it a shot, and the ball would forever be in his court.

He picked it up when I was turning 28. He contacted me and apologized for bis absence, and after a few weeks of thought, I responded. We've been talking since. I eventually forgave him, although truth be told I still harbor some resentment, but that's my burden to bear. You can forgive, but it's hard to forget.

Fast forward.

My father always talks about what he wants to do. He always talks about what he wants to see before he dies, cause he's never seen much of the country. He always talks about ambitions and goals that he wants to undertake.............then he sits on his ass and smokes his cigarettes.

Recently, he severed ties with a relationship, and when the ship was going down, I offered him a temporary place to hang his hat while he picked up the pieces. He actually made an agreement with me to move in for a few weeks, so I cleared out the room that was the band lounge at my studio and set it up for him.....

....While having this conversation, he discussed his desire to make this be his chance to do what he wanted in life finally, and go move to the ocean.....

....two days later he posted on facebook that he was moving to Marietta. He never called, he never wrote, he never texted......real dick move.

So this pissed me off, for obvious reasons. The least he could've done was to let me know.............actually, that's wrong. The least he could do was what he did, and not bother with me.

When I asked him why he was going back to Marietta, and not following his lifes dream of moving to the ocean, he implied that it was the safer road and made excuses.

So not only am I pissed about his lack of consideration for me after telling me that he'd move in, but I'm also kinda seeing him finally as a fucking coward. This is a shame, because I wanted to know him. I'm not writing him off, but at this point, he's put in zero effort in his role to me as a father. I've forgiven the past wrongs done, and although the scars are still there, that's my cross to bear now.

But the simple fact that he was so easily willing to just give up and move back to Marietta instead of following his dream......I never want to be that. You only get one fucking shot in this world, and you can't let anything hold you back. I learned that early on, when mom died. It could go away at any time, and nothing is ever certain, so why the fuck would you waste your time playing it safe in life when it's all up in the air ultimately anyway?! It makes no sense.

So maybe that's a valuable lesson that he did give me. It's a cliche', but maybe my father showed me who I never want to be. So for that, I say thank you. And to my dad, who fought to be there for me even when it wasn't favorable, thank you for always being there.

Merry Christmas......

It's now Tuesday, December 20th.

Weird to type that and have it feel like just another day in just another month.

I'm not taking much stock in Christmas this year. There are plenty of reasons, and one of them is that I have no money to buy anyone a present.

But other than that, I also don't have someone living with me making me feel all festive. it's easy to get excited about a holiday when the other person is excited about it too. But after 12 years, that person is gone. This is my first christmas in 12 years without her, and I don't know if I'll even see her over the holiday.

Kinda weird, but also, kinda not at all.

After all, there were deep wounds cut this time last year. That's gonna take some time to heal, and it's still going.

But this isn't just another long winded rant about how hurt I feel about the separation.

Actually, this is more of a statement to the fact that I don't think Christmas is really all that important.

After all, why do we hold so much stock in a commercialistic holiday designed to line the corporate pocketbooks by promoting good will in the form of a pretty package?

Ok, sure, it was started as a religious celebration of Jesus's birth……but come on. Only a small handful still celebrate that aspect of the holiday now. The rest of you are waiting in your long stupid lines on black friday to plow your fellow man over in order to get this doodad or that doohickey because the corporate machine has you by the balls……but I digress.

If you take away the commercialism, and you take away the religious aspects, Christmas is supposed to be about being with those you love and those that truly matter.

Forgive me, but after last year's disastrous Christmas, is that person really going to be Sarah? I'm not so sure. I know it'll be Laura, and my family, but where Sarah fits in…..I'm not sure.

And if I'm not celebrating the religious side of the holiday this year, and I'm not celebrating the religious side of the holiday, then buying presents and hanging lights become useless practice…..especially when I have no money for either.

So I'm just going to let Christmas be what it is……another day on the calendar. I'll spend it with family, and I'll be glad to see them, but it'll not be quite the spectacle that it has been. Because of that, I'm just letting it slide by this year almost unnoticed.

Maybe I'll get back in my holiday spirit by next year……who knows.

2011.

There's so much I wanna touch on. I don't honestly know where to begin.

It's 1 week before Christmas 2011.

On Christmas Day it will be 18 months to the day since we drove out of Conifer Colorado in the moving van……

……it'll be 1 year and 2 months approximately since Sarah first hinted that she was having second thoughts about our 12 years together……..

……it'll be 1 year exactly since she let it slip on Christmas Day 2010 that our relationship was in fact over……

It'll be 10.5 months since she finally was able to move her belonging out of the house, and transformed from my best friend into a major source of stress and despair in my life.

I'm over it. I've indicated this. I've moved on, and am now with a woman who loves me, respects me, has faith in me, and who I doubt I'll ever be able to let go of because of those reasons…….and because of so many more.

But the fact is that I still have a lot of anger and resentment. It's bubbling up like crazy right now, and I need to get it out.

For instance, I've made no secret of the fact that I was in love with the Rocky Mountains. It's approximately 18 months now since I've last laid eyes on them before slipping away like a thief in the night. If you read this blog, you know how big of a loss that has been for me. But just when I thought it was getting better……….it got worse.

Over Thanksgiving this year, I went to Atlanta Georgia to visit my family. This was my first road trip of any significance without Sarah, and it was a much needed experience. I wished that Laura could've been there, but I made the most out of being in the region. On my way back, I stopped in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.



I'm not sure if this was a great trip, or a big mistake.

There I was, completely in awe and completely in love with the landscape. It was like having the Rockies in the heart of the Plains. I was geeking out, taking photos and videos at every turn. I went to the top of Clingman's Dome, even though it was covered in a cloud bank and I couldn't technically see beyond 30 feet. But it was covered in conifer trees, and I was breathing the cool thin mountain air, and I honestly felt like I was at home again.

It was something my soul needed…….

…….but now I can't stop thinking about home. I can't stop getting hourly flashes of the landscapes I left behind 18 months ago. It's a constant reminder of everything I've lost, and it's driving me nuts. And note that I am not exaggerating when I say that it occurs hourly.

I'm planning a return trip with Laura in June, and it'll be nearly 2 years since I left, but it won't be enough. I have too many places I'll want to see when I'm there, and I'll have too many people to want to visit, and I'll never want to leave. I know this will be a great trip spiritually, but then I'll leave again. I don't know how I'll handle that.

I know I'm getting all emo about a bunch of geological features that really hold no significance to how I live my life, but there's nothing like this place that I've ever seen in my life. I couldn't imagine anywhere more beautiful, and when I lived there for two years I'd constantly be out and about looking at my surroundings. They gave me peace, and they were a spiritual escape.

………and now they are gone. Now the relationship that defined me for 12 years is gone. Now the business opportunities I had begin while living there are gone. Now, after everything I've given up over the last 12 years for one person, I had to start from scratch in every way this year.

That infuriates me.

I remember one year ago this week. Sarah's brother's birthday is on the 23rd of December, and we'd usually head for Wheelersburg around that date. But Sarah and I would have our own Christmas celebration before opening gifts with family. I remember doing what I felt was a symbolic measure to show her that I was changing and going to be acting more responsibly, which was a great divider for us. I remember getting her mother, brother, and her brother's wife, to pitch in for a laptop for her for Christmas. This was to replace the one I'd dropped and busted just before we moved from Colorado. After getting her a laptop, I also bought her Mario for her Wii. These were both items that she wanted very much, and I got them for her as a symbolic gesture that I was going to be more responsible and take everything more seriously.

She loved the laptop. She loved the video game. She was ecstatic………and she seemed to appreciate the note in the Christmas card attached to the laptop that said that it was a symbolic gesture.....but 5 days later it was all for nothing.

January came, and I was begging her not to move out. It would be a financial nightmare for me, cause I wasn't sure if I could afford this house on my own. I was showing her that we could pay off our debts if we stuck to a budget and be in a better financial place if she'd just stay in the house and not increase our individual monthly expenses by adding on her own set of rent and utility bills. I begged and pleaded, and she seemed interested……….

But then on February 5th, I came home to a nearly empty house.

I kinda feel that if you're gonna leave someone, and they didn't want you to, that the least you could do is leave them some fucking furniture. I kinda feel that if you're the one to leave, you forfeit that stuff. You're leaving the person behind after all, so are you really gonna take away most of the possessions that you both shared as well? I don't think that's fair. She left me with my studio gear, a TV, a couple of end tables, and my grandfathers old easy chair that I had been sleeping in for the past few months.

I still feel abandoned. I still feel cast aside. I still feel like I wasn't important to her anymore, and she was making no secret of it. I still feel like she lost faith in me long ago, and despite the fact that I was legitimately willing to change my ways to be a more responsible person, she'd heard it enough and didn't give a fuck anymore.

I'm still angry.

This is my cross to bear, but it's still here. It won't go away. It's been fucking with me all year.

Couple that with the fact that I'm now separated with the place that I literally was in love with, and seeing no easy way back to it………..

………..but though it may not be easy, it will happen. It won't happen as soon as I want it to, or I'd have never left. But it will happen. It's just going to take some time now to put a few things in place first.

The things in life that are worth it are worth fighting for. I'm about to bring a reckoning to the pattern my life has seen for it's first 30 years. Ohio has tried to put me in the ground this year, and it doesn't want to let me leave, but I'm waging a war. I will not settle for less. There is no reason I should, because there's no reason I can't have exactly what I want. Period.

So what do I want?

Refer to my 5 year plan to get an overview of what I'm trying to achieve by New Years Eve 2017. There are a few things I've started since writing that blog that weren't mentioned, such as my new record label that I've formed, or my efforts to go into artist management. If I can take one of the artists I have full faith in to another level, then I have earning potential from that and it'll be easier to live life on my terms……

……because as I said, I refuse to compromise.

So let's summarize. I want dual residency between Denver and Columbus. I want this for two reasons. 1 is Laura. She's got ties here that I won't take her from, but I want to live life with her in the Rockies. So this would be a great way to keep her with her family, while getting my mountains back. 2 is for the business possibilities. I'm establishing the label here in Columbus, and I'm establishing the studio here in Columbus. I'm hoping to make those viable income streams while then establishing myself as a national producer who is hired around the country to produce records. Denver makes sense, because it's a major music market. The Flobots and The Fray are both from there. Denver would be a great music industry hub for me.

This is going to take a lot of work. I have to get myself out of debt in the next 5 years, build several businesses into profitable enterprises, reach out to a nationwide artist market as a producer, and create financial independence, all while being a full time student with a full time day job at the moment. It's a bit overwhelming at times. But for the last 1/3 of my life, I've put myself on hold for someone who ultimately cast me aside. I felt that was worth it, because I was happy. Now I'm 30, have nothing saved, and have been through hell in the past 10.5 months.

It's time to change the game. It's time to stop compromising on what I want. It's time to reach for it with every ounce of my being. FUCK EVERYONE who stands in my way. I WILL have EXACTLY what I want, and I will not settle for anything less.

To the one who cast me aside, I'm still angry. Deal with it.

To anyone who wants to hold me down, or who doesn't believe that I can do this, go fuck yourselves.

To Laura, the woman I love with all of my soul, thank you for your undying faith in me. I promise to give this everything I have and build a better life for both of us.



To the music industry, look out for me. Here I come.

To Colorado, stay beautiful for my return.

Going home.

I don't recognize myself. The person who I was for the latter half of my 20's is gone. I'm no longer that person. I don't even recognize who I was 12 months ago, as I was making my last desperate pleas to Sarah not to leave after 12 years.

So much has changed since then. It's like I've been poured out, shaken around, purified, stripped away, and left alone to find my way back from it all. I don't like the journey, but here I am. I don't feel the journey is done, but for the most part my inner turmoil is over. I've inflicted pain, been deceitful, been dishonest, and ignored my inner spirit's own callings…….only to hit rock bottom and begin climbing out in a different direction.

Things are different.

That is to say that things will never be the same.

Ever.

But here I am. I'm 30, have been living alone in this house for almost a year, and I've got a more galvanized attitude toward the goals I want to achieve in life thanks to the ordeal I've gone through this year.

And yet the fucked up thing is that there's one thing I can't shake.

Colorado.

In some ways, it's just a state, but in other ways, I felt alive living there.

I haven't felt that alive since.

I'm in love again, and that's an amazing experience……but I can't shake the amazing wonders I've seen. It almost seems like a dream, which makes it something of a nightmare because I can't wake up from it to realize it was only a dream. It's more like I'm stuck in the nightmare knowing that this amazingly beautiful and peaceful place exists, and that my soul calls to it, but I can't have it. I'm envious of those who do, knowing that some of them are taking it for granted. I hate them.

All I know is that, despite my entire person being morphed and changed over the last year, this is one thing that sticks with me. Until I can see the vast expanse of the rockies again, and live amongst it's wildness and seclusion, I fear that I'll always be somewhat of a shell of a person.

If you've been, you know what I'm talking about. If you've been, but don't know what I'm talking about, shame on you.

I plan to return with Laura in June of 2012. This will only be a vacation, but it'll also be a homecoming that will be hard for me to return from. I have so many sights I want to see while I'm there. I'm excited to see how Laura handle's the 14,264 foot peak of Mt. Evans, considering her athsma. I want to budget enough time to drive down through the San Luis Valley after dawn to watch the sun rise over the Sangre De Cristo Range. I want to hit up the Great Sand Dunes National Park while in the San Luis Valley, and add another park to my list……only now I'd be racking up parks with Laura as opposed to Sarah. Part of me wants to revisit parks I've been to before so that I can show Laura the parks for her first visit, and part of me wants to see new parks and continue to grow my National Parks experiences with the new love of my new life.

Even now, on a daily basis………actually on an hourly basis……. I close my eyes and see myself in the mountains. I can't imagine a different future for myself. I can't imagine a place more beautiful and pure. I can't imagine spending it with anyone other than Laura, and I can't imagine living out the rest of my days in Ohio. I just can't have it happen that way.

I listen to Paramore and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to Slipknot and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to Tori Amos and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to Flyleaf and am reminded of the Rockies. I listen to 5 Finger Death Punch……….and after I get over how much I really don't like that band, I'm reminded of how often they were played on KBPI in Denver…..which reminds me of the Rockies (Damn you 5FDP).

I see myself driving down 285 by Aspen Park. I see myself in the King Soopers at Aspen Park when I'm grocery shopping in the Kroger in Marion Ohio. I look at Google Earth's 3D view of the mountains and retrace my old routes from the plains back up into the mountains.

I think it's safe to say that I'm obsessed. I prefer to say that I'm in love. I'm in love with a landscape that constantly made my heart sing by it's sheer beauty alone. The wildlife, the weather, the plants, the altitude…….it all became a part of me that I'll not be able to shake until I can return on a permanent basis.

I'll admit that I'm a little drunk while typing this, but all of this is true. I can't shake it. I'll return, there's no question. And when I do, I don't know how my soul will react. It'll be positive, but it could also be very emotional. I could buckle down and cry, who knows. But I do know that I want to return, and live there with Laura.

Laura's a key part of this. Would I move back if she weren't in my life? Sure. But would I be as excited? No. She fills my heart with the kind of passion that makes a place like that seem that much more important. I really want to share the entire planet with her. I want to spend the rest of my days with her. I can't imagine anyone else in the picture.

But this post isn't about Laura. It's about how I can still see myself on Richmond Hill Road, south of 285, seeing the mountains in the distance from a clearing as I face south, and feeling like I've stumbled into some magical place that simply can't be real. It's about coming up I-70 WB by the Buffalo Herd Overlook west of Denver and being in complete awe in every way every single time I came over that ridge, stunned by the view of the Continental Divide. It's about going home.

Time to change the game

I've been trying all year to pull myself out of what I've often analogized as a personal tailspin. The bottom fell out in the first half sending me into a personal and financial tumble that nearly crashed over the summer. Since then I've been trying to pack on as many tasks as I can to get myself pulled out of the whole, but the burden of the work I now have can be crippling.

Something's gotta change......now.

I'm a full time student with a full time day job. I can't change that right now. But I've also been packing on a number of other projects hoping that one of them will be the game changer. The result is that I'm stressing myself out.

So it's time for a change. I've got to prioritize. I've got to approach all of this in a more intelligent way....one thing at a time. Sure, the workload still seems like a mountain. But instead of trying to blaze a trail to the top all at once and burning out quickly, this way I can climb it in incriments and be able to enjoy the view from the top, while stopping to smell the roses regularly.

The lowest priority for me right now is my own music, specifically my solo project. I'm stepping aside for a bit. I've got a Project DIVIDE EP to finish mixing, with a mountain of videos to edit for it. I've also got Enemy By Mourning's record to finish, which is getting close. But then, after the EBM record, I've got the flagship artist on my new record label F.R.O.E. Records.......a hip hop artist named Jovy. We've got to start recording Jovy's first release under the label and I'll need to focus heavily on the marketing campaigns once the record is done. So there's no real room for my solo music for a few months. But that said, I've got to make sure I buckle down to get things done as quickly as possible over the next few weeks while I'm on a break from school.

Time to get real here.

Changing Habits

In an effort to save money, after being brought back to my day job in August and starting on a new financial plan, I started keeping track of how much I was spending on fast food. This amount never really went down much, but I was keeping track of it. This included things like Red Bull and McDonalds. I was always able to find some justification for continued consumption of this crap.

Then in October I had my cancer scare. I kinda fell off the bandwagon in terms of worrying about my spending, cause I was too worried about my health to really give a shit about keeping track of every penny I was spending. I drained my meager savings to pay my rent after missing work for the medical tests, and I found myself taking time off of work when possible to work on other projects going on in my life, which didn't help when you factor in that I was spending money without regard again.

When work announced that we'd have Thanksgiving day AND Black Friday off this year, I knew I was going to be in a tight spot again. Only the sad thing is that it was completely avoidable this time. If I had just kept on it, I wouldn't be in this boat yet again. But here I am.

So after getting my short Thanksgiving Week paycheck this past Friday, I revised my budget. Eek. Something has to change…..so I decided to hit my spending habits in the teeth with the same veracity I had when I first started on this budget plan back in August.

One of the things I did was commit to not eating out anymore. Although I'll admit that since Friday's paycheck, I had to eat at a drive through because I was kept away from home longer than expected after work……and then I bought some junk food and a red bull to keep myself moving on a mixing project last night……but then I entered those costs into my budget and I'm not spending another un-needed dime.

But I'm doing one thing differently. I decided that I can't just eat beans and rice and ramen noodles and be happy. If I keep eating that crap, I'm gonna be tempted to eat out because I want more variety. So I decided to introduce more variety in my diet again when it comes to my home cooking. After all, I loved cooking when I was cooking for two…..why can't I love cooking for one? Why shouldn't I put the same amount of pride into feeding myself that I put into feeding someone else?

Before, my lunch consisted of Beans and Rice with hot sauce and a coke zero. Now, I've made a garden salad with Italian dressing the main dish, and there is a smaller amount of Beans and Rice to give energy and cap off the meal. Often there will be a pickle too. This is quick and easy to make for my work day lunches, and I don't get sick of what I'm eating.

I've also been making this Szechuan Pierogie Beef Stir Fry with White Rice for dinner, that is pretty awesome. And the cool thing about that is that I make a big enough portion that it'll feed me for 3 days worth of dinner. I bought some new food storage containers, and just put what I'm not eating for dinner in the fridge. when it's time to eat the next night, it's quick and easy to re-heat on the stove (Sarah took the Microwave, never got a new one).

That's not the only thing I'm making in large quantities. I made a huge batch of french toast for me and Laura this weekend, and I put what we didn't eat (which was about 2/3 of the batch) in the freezer. This morning, for breakfast with my coffee, I popped two of those pieces in the toaster.

I found myself making peanut butter cookies earlier today, so that I have a quick "handy food" snack in the house. I even made a kick ass quarter pounder for dinner with a side salad.

Speaking of the salads that I take to lunch, one of the reasons I bought new food storage containers was so that I'd have something to put those salads in. But the cool thing is that I make several in advance and store them in the fridge, then my lunch packing for the day is very "grab-and-go". Get it out of the fridge, put it in the lunch box, and walk out the door. Convenient and easy.

I've been locked in my control room today working on a mixing project. There were a few times when I just wanted to go out and get a can of Red Bull. But instead, I broke out the coffee grinder and the french press. Worked like a charm, obviously, but I didn't feel bad for spending money that I shouldn't be spending.

The point of all of this is simple. I feel good. I don't just feel good about not spending money needlessly, but I feel good in general. My diet has been satisfying my palette, and I feel really good physically. I don't feel all sluggish and slow like I've been drinking a vat of fat, and my stomach has been more regular. And the cool part is that I've saved some money in the process while eating a much more varied diet!

I'm back on track with my budget. I don't plan to go astray again. It's gonna be a tight month, but what else is new? But despite all the stress that I may feel about money, at least I'm not gonna kick myself for spending it at the drive through anymore.

Why I owe my new music career to Pomplamoose.

This was the video that did it for me. Let's start from the beginning.

I was in a band from the time I could be in one, up until I moved away from Columbus in 2006. I had been in a relationship at that point since 1999, when I was 18, and Sarah was going to grad school in Bloomington Indiana at IU. So I left the band, left my broadcasting job that I loved, and moved to Indiana. I was 25. I never really looked back to music for the remainder of my 20's.

By 2010, I had started a podcast about recording metal music, and made some friends in the podcasting community. I was also perusing a career as a recording engineer in Colorado. I was in love with the mountains, and I thought that after 11 years that I was happy with Sarah. But she wasn't happy, and looked for ways to change her situation to make herself happy again. That landed her a job back in central Ohio, so I closed my studio in Denver and moved back to the buckeye state.

Cue Pomplamoose.

Back when Pomplamoose released their cover of "Telephone", I saw my friend and fellow podcasting colleague Big Al Wagner post the video on (i think) twitter. I watched it, thought it was clever, but then moved on. I still lived in Colorado at the time. I thought it was cool to see the instrumentation they were using to create the music, and liked their quirky sound, but didn't give it much thought beyond that. I wasn't familiar with the original, and I just let it pass into the ether.

Little did I know…..

Fast forward 7 months after they release their "Telephone" cover to October of 2010. As you may have read, my life as I had known it for years began to come undone. Sarah began to express that she was having doubts about our relationship after 12 years, and I had moved away from the Colorado Rockies back to my birth home of Ohio. I started looking for distractions for the mental chaos that was going on, so I turned to recording podcasts to learn about more recording techniques, and I turned to youtube to watch people's studio sessions.

I think I'd have to credit Big Al Wagner again for posting something that caught my attention this time, but I honestly can't recall exactly what it was. But I found myself watching "Another Day" by Pomplamoose. I remembered seeing them months before when I was in my control room in Conifer, Colorado and passing it by after a brief watch. But this time, "Another Day" was the song that hooked me. I started watching, and watching, and watching, and digesting all of it. I was watching, and geeking out on the audio production tips I was gaining from the videos, I'd also be laughing at the goofiness that I'd see. I think part of my fascination was that it was obvious Jack and Natalie had a connection, and I was losing the one I had for 12 years. It was kind of like obsessing on what you were losing by looking at people who had what you were losing. I became rather obsessed with it for a brief period, I would watch the same 3-4 pomplamoose videos over and over, including Another Day, If You Think You Need Some Lovin, Mister Sandman, and Nature Boy. While watching, I'd get cues from the looks Jack and Natalie gave each other, and although that reminded me at times of what I was losing, it also helped in it's own way. So that helped make my fascination grow stronger.

By Christmas, I was watching a lot of other Pomplamoose videos, and had stumbled upon "Always In The Season".



Sarah and I were really big into holiday celebrations, and we were that sickening couple that would play christmas music in july because we enjoyed it. So this song became an instant favorite of mine.

Come January, I'm still in full distraction mode. I see Big Al Wagner post (yet again) on twitter "New Pomplamoose!" So I rush over to see their newest video for Achin Heart!



The holidays had passed, and Sarah had let it slip that things weren't going to be fixable. She was gearing up to move out, which she did on February 5th. But in January, I was still obsessively watching Pomplamoose videos. Being enrolled at Ohio State University taking business courses, and owning a recording studio in Central Ohio, I started taking notice around this time to a few things about their business model. I started noticing that they hardly played live, but they were being themselves and making pro videos that were gaining a following on youtube, which was driving their sales on iTunes! I started consuming it more feverishly now, watching for any business tips I could pick up.

Sarah leaves in February, and I start picking up my guitar again for the first time in almost 6 years. My former band mate from Day Nine, Josh Zeise, had started to come over to jam, and we started talking about forming a studio band. When the words "studio band" were uttered, it was like a light bulb going off. I realized that I wanted a chance to do what Pomplamoose were doing, and this was my opportunity. So Josh and I formed a band called Project DIVIDE. The approach I wanted to peruse here was to incorporate the same videosong concept that Jack and Natalie were using so successfully, and use it for a rock band. We began to talk about it, and decided to start working on a 4 song EP that would have videosongs. So we got to work. It's been kinda slow, but we're wrapping up work on our first EP (full time student with 3 jobs……cut me some slack).

In March, I was asked to perform at a show with an old friend as an acoustic act. I agreed, and decided to dust off my old collection of songs from 8 years prior when I was playing solo rock sets. This would be the first time I was on stage since 2006, and it made me decide to also peruse a solo career again. I decided that my solo career would also use the pomplamoose model, but I'd do live solo acoustic shows to generate a local fan base as well.

About this time, I got hooked on Jack Conte's solo career. With my own background in hard rock, Jack's solo style just seemed like a more comfortable fit, although I still love Pomplamoose. But Jack's song "Impression" remains one of my absolute favorites to this day.



I start consuming everything I can on the current state of the music industry, picking up where my industry geek-ery left off back in 2006. Some things had changed, but the basic principles were the same. So I decided to test the waters with my first videosong……



I chose the Buffy Theme because it was quick and simple, and would let me experiment with whether or not I was cut out to make videosongs. I like the results, and it's gained some small traction on youtube. I posted it to twitter, and Joss Whedon re-tweeted it! That was a MAJOR geek out moment for me……..



……and it was also a revelation that I could pull all of this off. If I could get Joss Whedon to repost it and increase my views exponentially in a matter of hours, then I could build a buzz about my own music. There was no looking back.

So with my new excitement for a second chance career in music, and my massive amounts of research into the industry (thanks Bob Baker, Making It In Music, and the millions of other resources I've found to re-educate myself…..) I started looking for new opportunities for a career in music. It even got to the point where in October, I had an idea to start a record label. We're working on starting it right now, but I'm using a lot of the knowledge I've regained after years of stepping away from the industry to carve my own place in the music industry. I now own a recording studio, am a member of Project DIVIDE, have a Solo career, and am Co-Owner of a record label that is currently in formation!

NONE of this would've been possible if Pomplamoose hadn't been there to get me excited about music again, and to help give me something to focus on when my life was going to hell in a handbasket. NONE of it. I'm now a rabid fan, and am stoked to find Pomplamoose on Spotify. I also have my own Pandora station dedicated to both Pomplamoose and Jack Conte.

I doubt Jack and Natalie will ever read this, and I'd be extremely flattered if they ever did, but if it weren't for them, I wouldn't be persuing my dreams again. So if you do ever read this on some off chance, thanks Pomplamoose. You've made a difference here.

P.S. - Who else can say they actually did something BETTER than Michael Jackson?!

My spiritual side.

My 5 year plan focused heavily on personal accomplishments in the physical world, but left out the spiritual side.

Now, first things first, I'm not really a believer in any organized religion. But I do believe that we all have a spiritual side. This would be the side of us that helps us feel love, hate, and any other emotion we have.

I want to be a much more open and honest person than I am today. I'm very open and honest with certain people, but with regards to others I'm shrouded in a veil of sheltered secrecy. I want to stop that, because ultimately it doesn't matter. I am who I am, I feel what I feel, I like what I like, I love who I love, I think what I think, and I'm entitled to all of that. Anyone who wants to say anything about is likely incapable of being able to be completely open and honest with themselves, or they are holding on too tightly to being judgmental. I don't want to be judgmental. I want to be spiritually sound and happy, and I want to enjoy life. I want to seize every day, and enjoy my time here, because I only have so much time here.

If I stick to this new desire to live life openly in the spiritual sense, you may find some very heartfelt and personal blog posts in the future. This would merely be an attempt to move beyond certain things that are plaguing my mind so that I can come out on the other side as a happy, spiritually healthy individual.

I hope to look back on these early blog posts in 5 years and be able to visibly see the changes happen as time goes on. Life is about evolution, adaptability, change, and striving for freedom. Let's hope I can accomplish those things in the coming 5 years.

I am the 99%

I was born in poverty. My mother had a terminal illness diagnosed around my birth, and was unable to work to provide for my sisters and I. My grandparents had to support all of us on their retirement income, and when mom died, my grandparents continued to raise us on their meager income.

When evidence of a heart attack that forced my grandfather into retirement 20 years earlier could not be found, his benefits were taken away and he had to deliver newspapers to keep food on the table for his wife and grandchildren. He was in his 80's.

I've never had money, but I've been working like crazy to make ends meet. I attained a degree in 2004, and got a job that summer, but left it for personal reasons to move to a different state. Then the economy collapsed, and I was never able to find work in that field. I gave up, went back to school to study business, and am now an entreprenuer determined to claw my way out of the trenches.

But I'm also a full time student (working on degree #2) with a full time job. Most entrepreneurs don't earn a dime for the first two years, so I can't rely on my business to pay the bills yet. Unable to afford to just go to school, and unable to make ends meet yet with my business ventures, I have to pull full time hours to keep the lights on. That job is a temp job, which is all I've been able to find over the last 18 months.

That job had a massive layoff over the summer, and I was let go. At 30 years old with no savings, I found myself on unemployment and dumpster diving for scrap metal to make ends meet. My temp job asked me to come back at the end of the summer, and I accepted, but the downtime put a major dent in my ability to save for the future.

Determined to make a serious change, I shifted my focus and started saving. In just a few months, I had $600 in the bank. But then medical issues, and a lack of health insurance, derailed the savings I had built up and caused me to miss work.....which put me further in the hole. Now I'm back to square one.

Life should not be a constant struggle to keep your bills paid. Health issues should not derail the finances of you or your family, as they have done so often in my life.

I am overworked
I am overstressed
I am going deeper into debt to change my life on the gamble that it'll pay off.
I'm underpaid and struggling.

I am the 99%.

The 2nd Amendment

I saw a really cool youtube video posted on facebook just now.



I like the music, kinda makes it seem comical. It's actually really cool to watch……

…..however I've noticed that some are using this as a reason to argue that "the government had better never take our guns away!"

Dude, nobody's trying to take anyone's fucking guns away. That's all just half-witted rhetoric that was started as a way of branding all Democrats as a bunch of pussies who just want everyone to hug each other and never be able to defend ourselves. That's far from the truth.

That being said, here's my take on gun control.

Let's ask the question of why we want, or need, guns.

"I want to be able to hunt"

Ok, so what are you hunting?



Ok, in that case, be a man and grab a bow and arrow. Better yet, man up and cut the little cute defenseless rabbit ear to ear with your little swiss army knife!

"But I wanna use a GUN!"

Ok, there are a good variety of them that will do the job.

There's a handgun…..



…..a hunting rifle…..




…..an AK 47.....WAIT!




So you wanna use THAT………to hunt THIS!?!????




HOLD ON THERE TIM!




I think your going a little excessive with the firepower! That level of firepower seems like it would be better suited to this kind of sport!




Hmm, isn't that interesting that they seem to be holding similar guns?!

Bottom line…..
You don't need excessive firepower. I don't give a flying fuck about whatever guns you own. I don't care if you're stockpiling because you're worried that some republican talk show host told you that Obama was going to take your fucking guns away. It's not gonna happen, mind you, but you have the right to own a firearm in this country.

That being said, I don't believe that a weapon like an AK-47 should be owned by civilians. Those are army weapons, and the army should be in charge of those. You'd be freaked out if I bought a tank or an A-bomb, and I'm equally freaked out knowing that my neighbor might possess the kind of firepower that could dispatch a small crowd lined up against a wall in 30 seconds.

I'm done.

Dawn.....

New dedication

The last two weeks have been horrifying for me. I've been utterly and completely terrified at the possibility that I might have been developing cancer, and also scared of the possibility of having an ulcer. Fortunately, it turns out that I'm fine. Worst case scenario, I'll be glued to a daily dose of Prilosec OTC for the rest of my days. Best case scenario, they took a biopsy to check for a bacteria that, when erradicated, would likely eliminate my Acid Reflux!

So good news abounds!

But I've been through the emotional ringer during the last two weeks. There's a lot to cover, so bear with me. But you know that savings that I had acrued in case of emergencies? Well, that's mostly gone, and I have less than $100 in my savings at this point. So how did that happen, and what am I gonna do about it?

Monday, Occtober 17th, 2011.

I start having pains in my abdomen that felt like rocks moving through my intestines. This happening spurred Laura to state her concern about the possibility of an Ulcer, and urged me to get my reflux checked. This started during my last hour at my day job that day, the same day that I was asked to take on a new task at my day job, and I was really excited about that. That was very short lived with this new concern about my health. It was made known to me that it could lead to esophagial cancer, which is extremely untreatable and has a very low survival rating, so I called off work the next day and found a General Practitioner.

The first distressing thing to me was the loss of one day of income. I'm trying to stay on a certain track, and it wasn't very comforting to know that I was losing a day's wages to go spend money at a doctor when I have no insurance! Then, the doctor started expressing concern that I'd never had a Gastroscopy done to examine the depth of my reflux damage. He confirmed my fear that it could become cancerous, and wanted to have me checked a.s.a.p. for Barrett's Esophagus or for Esophageal Cancer. I started getting worried about the prospect of dying, rather than having a mildly annoying condition! Naturally, this stressed me out immensly!

So after paying $50 out of pocket (bear in mind that I don't make all that much money right now) and losing one day's wages, I found myself worried about money and death. Not a good combination. The doc then called the Smith Clinic in Marion to schedule an appointment with a gastroenterologist. The appointment was scheduled for 8:30am the following morning, which meant that I'd be missing another day's wages. Then I found out that the Smith Clinic wanted $100 down to be seen. So I was missing two days wages, paid $150 out of pocket, and was worried about cancer! Not a good day.

I went to the Smith Clinic expecting to have the Gastroscopy that day, but was informed that I was mainly there to be evaluated by the doctor to see if it was necessary. I found out at this visit that I was about to incur a $2000 (approximated) out of pocket medical expense to resolve all of this because I don't have insurance. They scheduled the Gastroscopy for yesterday, which meant that after missing two days of work last week, I was going to miss at least one day this week too. My finances were taking a major hit and I was worrying about death.

After finding out how much they would be charging for this procedure, I spoke to the financial department about the down payment costs for this procedure. They wanted $150 down to cover the doctors fee, and $250 down for the facility. This would leave me with about $1600 to pay out of pocket, but with rent due I wasn't sure I could swing the $400 down since I had missed so much work! So now I was worried about death, money, and keeping a roof over my head, all in the span of about 36 hours!

There was no question, I needed the money I had saved. I had $600 in savings, and I took out $550. $150 to cover the doctor bills I'd already paid out of pocket, and $400 to pay for the procedure's down payment. I decided to keep the scheduled appointment, because if I did have some form of cancer developing I'd much rather catch it now and be in debt than to postpone it and it be too late. That's one lesson from Steve Jobs, catch it early and treat it early. When applying the "what's the worst that can happen" scenario, I'll take homelessness over death.

I found myself in a bit of a numb panic. I left the Smith Clinic that day, bought a bottle of Jack Daniels, and drank myself into oblivion. I could have salvaged 1/2 of my work day, but there was no way I could focus on work after the mountain of worry that had just been piled up. I'm not much of a drinker anymore, it's a very rare occurance, but this seemed the best course of action at the time. I regretted it later when I was hungover by 7pm that day........

The next few days I found myself constantly on the razors edge. I found myself wondering what would happen if I didn't make it to 33? I found myself not being satisfied with the accumulation of my lifes work thus far, and feeling ashamed as though I had wasted my time thus far. I found myself regretting things I had done earlier this year while I was trying to figure myself out, and wandering how in the hell I would pay for any of the possibly insane medical expenses that could be approaching. I found myself considering illegal activities to generate the money to pay my medical bills (can you say Breaking Bad? LOL!), considering what I could sell to pay my bills, and trying to figure out how I could generate some business for the studio quickly. I got really pissed off at a colleague who has taken the last 3 weeks to get me the payment for a gig that I played (I still haven't recieved it, and I do take that personally since I did put in lots of effort to promote that show and was now DESPARATE for cash.....I won't name names, but since I haven't recieved the money and doubt that I will.....right here, buddy!)

So to recap, I had drained my meager savings, was worried about dying, was worried about losing my home, was worried about collecting money owed to me, all in the span of a couple of days! I was a bit of a wreck. All this was going on while I was trying to wrap up some recording projects, worried about midterms week, and worried about making myself look bad at work by missing 1/2 of my work week THE DAY AFTER being asked to take on more responsibility! There almost wasn't a single facet of my life that wasn't putting pressure on me in some way. I was about to snap.

The weekend brought some solace. Sunday I did a touch-up session with Enemy By Mourning to cap off their album. It's rounding 3rd, and should be done as soon as I can find the time. It was a hell of a lot of fun to hang with them all day and talk shop, while working on their album! It's gonna be a killer record when it's done, and I'm INSANELY proud of the work we've been doing. I needed that session.

I also did some mentoring with my two protoge's, Michael Aylor and Brian Henken, who were there to observe the Enemy By Mourning session. They provided some background vocal on the song "On With The Show", which was needed as we needed as many voices as we could muster for the song. After EBM left, I discussed some audio principals with the protege's, and then got to my homework. I had a midterm due that night, and when that was done I continued my self distraction by doing some mixing work. It was a good distraction, and even though the day was long, it was great to stop worrying about the big "what if" for a bit.

.....but it didn't last long.....

Tuesday, everything came to a personal head.

I think I've been over-stressing myself about all of this, and my stomach hasn't been liking me very much as a result. Tuesday was a very bad stomach day. I actually left work 40 minutes early because of my stomach. I also had a test due at 9:00 that night, so this would give me a chance to decompress before taking the test and allow me to hopefully let my stomach settle.

But my car had other plans.

I leave work, and my battery is dead. When I say dead, I mean it melted my jumper cables because it was incapable of even HOLDING a charge! I started a downward spiral mentally, just wondering what the fuck could go wrong next. I had just taken my savings out to spend on the doctor bill, believing that rent was going to be $300 short and a week late. But I drive a 2005 Dodge Stratus, and replacing a battery in one of those is a hassle. I want to shoot the designer. I had to tow the car to the nearest NTB location, which cost me $40, then pay $160 to have the battery replaced and installed. They had to remove the front tire to access the battery! Whoever thought this was a good place for a battery should be drawn and quartered!

So essentially, I found myself doing the math, and only having $100 to pay in a few days toward my $600 rent. I started to panic, and just about fell apart. It was not a good day to be me.

Flash forward to Wednesday morning. Things started to look a bit better. I called the Marion Area Health Center, and they told me they'd wave their $250 down that I had to pay because of my situation, which meant that I was only going to have to pay $150 to the doctor on the day of the procedure! This was a HUGE relief!

Then around lunch time, I got a call from the Marion Area Health Center, it was a pre-procedure screening. They informed me that I'd be asleep during the process, which I've never had done before and it freaked me out. I'm a wimp, I know, but I hate needles and I've heard that some people don't wake up from anesthetic. I was scared. I was afraid of what they'd find. I was afraid that the anesthetic would wear off and I'd wake up mid-procedure. I was afraid that I'd not wake up at all......

Laura spent the evening with me on Wednesday, and instead of working on school work like we normally do on Wednesdays, I spent it trying to relax. It had been one thing after another and I was on the edge. I was mentally exhausted, and I evidently passed out before she left. She didn't wanna wake me, so she let herself out.

I woke up at 5:30am to find her gone, and I'm starving. Now they said I couldn't eat solid food after midnight, but I could have something liquid up to 6 hours before the procedure. The procedure was at noon, so I go to make a protien shake so that my stomach will stop grumbling. When I get downstairs, it's freezing cold. So I go to turn up the thermostat, only to find that the heat wasn't coming on. After the car problems, the money problems, the worrying about my own demise, and everything else, now my furnace wasn't working! I look outside, and there was no tag on my door, so I knew they hadn't shut me off for some reason. So i went back to bed and said to hell with it, I was going to worry about this one later. Luckily, it was just that the pilot light had gone out, and it was an easy fix, but I didn't worry about it til after the procedure. While I'm halfway doped up is probably not the safest time to deal with natural gas, but hey......

Anyway, I wake up to Laura coming in at around 11:45am, and hop in the shower. We head to the procedure, and they take me back. You can read my post about the procedure that I posted last night as the anesthetic was wearing off to read about what happened. But after it was over, and I realized I was going to be ok, it was a HUGE sigh of relief!

Another great sigh of relief was the fact that they NEVER ASKED ME FOR THE DOWN PAYMENT! I'll have to pay it when I'm billed later, but they never took my payment on the day of the procedure, so all of the money that I took out of savings is now available to pay my rent! It's gonna be a tight few weeks financially, but I'll keep a roof over my head, which is a good thing!

So let's reflect. I've been through the ringer emotionally, physically, financially, and in almost every other way this year. It's been a trying year. But as 2011 is coming to a close, I'm starting to reflect on this roller coaster of a year. I'm realizing that this year seemed to strip away my immaturity, re-dedicate myself to success, and help me appreciate the personal relationships that are right in front of me. I feel like I've never had my resolve challenged as an adult, but this year changed all of it. This year has been a character building year for me, and I know that after this last week of feeling like I'd hit rock bottom, that I'll be ok no matter what comes my way. I'm not going to sweat the small stuff anymore, cause it seems to work itself out. Instead, I'm going to take chances (what's the worst that can happen?!), work hard (there's only one way to build a better life for myself, it's certainly NOT going to be handed to me), and count my blessings (there have been a number of kindnesses this year that I don't deserve and cannot repay, without them I'd surely have collapsed.....I need to always remember that). I feel like I'm a totally different person in every way than I was in October 2010 when Sarah started showing signs of doubt in our relationship. I'm a more dedicated person than I was in the months that followed when I was hanging to sanity by a thread. I have weathered a hell of a storm this year, and I'm trying to find the strength to learn the lessons that are in front of me to be learned, and carry them through the rest of my life.

This is the dawning of a new era in my life.

IT'S NOT CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. This week has put me through the ringer……

....in other words…… IT SUCKED!

But the good news is that I'm back to worrying about lesser things, and I feel that I can get a new perspective on my priorities.

More on that later though. I plan on doing a blog post after I've had some time to sort through some of the emotional hell this has put me through, but right now I want to discuss the days events. Here's an update after today's Gastroscopy procedure.

Quick recap…..I went after having some severe abdominal pain, similar to having rocks moving through my intestines. Laura was worried that it may be an ulcer, or something worse, so I called off work and went to a general practitioner to get checked out. They recommended that I have a "scope" done to see what the extent of the damage from my acid reflux was. The ER had recommended the same thing, so I bit the uber-expensive bullet and scheduled the procedure.

It all took place today. I found out yesterday that they were going to actually put me under during the procedure, so I'd sleep through it. I'd never been put under, so I was a bit nervous about that, cause I know that sometimes on rare occasions you don't wake up from being anesthetized. But otherwise, I was glad I'd be asleep, cause the thought of having a large tube shoved down my throat while I'm wide awake just didn't suit me too well.

I was also nervous about what they'd find. I'll admit that I was somewhat nervous that they'd nick a blood vessel while they were inside and I'd have internal bleeding that would go un-noticed……..(I'm a bit of a medical wimp, ok…). So I was just not in a great place. I was nervous and anxious, and it took me removing myself from it all to be able to go through with it.

So Laura and I were at the Marion Area Health Center. I get called back in to get prepped. Understand that I HATE NEEDLES! The nurse was prepping me and tried to stick my right hand. She got the vein, but didn't tap it right, so she called someone else in to do it. The other hand got the needle instead. I swear, every time I get a needle, they always seem to have to poke me twice! WTF?!

Anyway, so they describe the procedure to me. Evidently, the plan was to heavily sedate me, do the procedure, and let me recover in the hospital room. They were going to numb my throat with a heavy duty spray that tasted like rotten ass dipped in battery acid. I had to swallow this crap!? Ew! The reason for the numbing was to suppress my gag reflex. Hmm, almost irony….in order to suppress my gag reflex, they made me wanna excursive it?!

It's hard to recall it right now, cause I'm still groggy from the anesthetic. But from what I recall, the nurse who administered the spray then leaned over me to inject the anesthetic into my IV. At this same time, another nurse put a big block in my mouth that was to hold my mouth open for the scope. I remember them putting that block in my mouth, leaning my head back, and then blacking out. It was weird.

I have no idea how long it took, but when they were done, I woke up in the hospital room with Laura beside me. I can't really remember much of it clearly, cause I was still heavily sedated. I couldn't even walk straight, and had to be taken to the car by wheelchair. They told me their findings:

They saw no signs of cancer, and no signs of Barrett's Esophagus. This is good news on both fronts, cause if I had Barrett's Esophagus, I'd have to be re-scoped once a year so they could search for cancer. Also, if either of these conditions existed, I would wonder what would happen to my fledgeling singing career (not that performing is the most important thing, but i'd rather not lose my voice if I don't have to…). They did see some inflammation in the esophagus and stomach, and gave me some lovely pictures of my insides!



I'd say that's more than just inflammation. Laura said "it looks pissed off!" lol! To contrast, here's what it SHOULD look like.....



So it looks like I'd just been having some major inflammation issues thanks to the Acid Reflux! They did take a biopsy, and will be testing it for any bacteria that can cause the inflammation. I go in on Monday to get the results of this and discuss it with my doctor. If it's the bacteria, my understanding is that it's totally treatable and may help rid me of my acid reflux! We'll see!

So I went home, and ordered a pizza. I hadn't eaten in 18+ hours, and I was hungry damn it! Besides, it was good news, I was up for a celebration! After eating, still groggy as hell, I passed out. I've been in and out all day. I woke up around 7:30 this evening, and I was feeling groggy and somewhat nauseous. I kinda feel like my ass has been kicked by some bad cold.

I feel like I wanna say more about all this, adding in some witty quips…..but quite frankly I'm still somewhat air headed from the anesthetic. So just know that it looks like I'm ok, and whatever is happening is totally treatable. I'd rather rack up some uninsured medical debt and know that I'll live than to hold off on the test and not have caught some quick moving cancer.

Anyway, all of this has rededicated me to a lot of things. I'll post about them when I'm more clear headed. But i feel like I've been made to think about the worst case scenario, and now that it's good news, I'm ready to focus and use the time I do have in front of me to take myself as far as i can go as quickly as possible. Fuck the 5 year plan, what if I can make it happen in 2? lol! We'll see!

Thanks for reading.

Taking stock of 2011

What a fucking year. A lot of good has happened, but a lot of very stressful bad things have happened too. Let's look at the bad......

Sarah leaves me.

I'm forced to adapt to life on my own for the first time in my life, at 30 years old.

I make some bad decisions in the love game.

I lose my day job.

I have to beg for money from family to pay rent.

I found myself dumpster diving for scrap metal to pay the bills.

I go into a depression of home sickness, longing for the Rockies, but knowing I can't get there because I lost my job and have no means to travel.

I get my job back, and start doing well, and start putting the pieces of myself back together financially, straighten out my love life, and start feeling optimistic about my future..............

..........but now it all might be derailed because I may have cancer?!?!

I don't necessarily believe in Karma, simply because there are a million facets to the decisions one makes, and what may be the only choice one has may be perceived by an outsider as a bad decision that will generate bad karma. I believe that life is completely random, I don't believe in a divine entity (despite my upbringing - sorry mom). I know I did nothing to deserve any of these worries.

But it doesn't make it suck any less.

Cancer?

Well this is going swimmingly…..

Ok, this is my uncensored, unfiltered rant. I'm not sure if I'm pissed off, but I'm not happy. I just got back from a gastroenterologist.

A month ago, I was in the ER with chest pains. They determined that it was likely not a heart issue, and advised me to have my acid reflux checked to see what damage it was doing. I put that off, cause I can't afford a doctor and have no insurance.

Two days ago, I was at my day job. I had eaten lunch a few hours earlier. I start feeling the sensation of hot rocks moving through my intestines in the left side of my abdomen. Laura suspects it could be an ulcer, as she's been through that pleasantness before. So I called off work yesterday to go see a doctor. I wasn't happy about losing a days pay, or how it would make me look the day after they assign me a new task at my day job, but health is more important than all of those things, so I did what I had to do.

Yesterday, they talk to me about my acid reflux, informing me that it can lead to esophageal cancer, which evidently is one of the worst kinds. So the doctor recommended that I see a gastroenterologist to have a scope done so they could see what's going on, just in case.

I went to the gastroenterologist this morning, under the impression that i was going to have a procedure done. They informed me that it would actually be scheduled another time, today was just the preliminary to see if it was needed.

So in essence, I paid $50 down to one doctor yesterday and $100 down to a doctor today to have them tell me that it's not going to happen today, but they want me to come back next week and pay $400 down to have it done……..

That's $550………..down…………and I only have managed to save $600.

Well, thanks to the corporate structure of American medicine, I've now in effect wiped out my savings. That won't even begin to touch the amount that it will cost my uninsured ass to pay for these procedures in the end, it'll just cover the down payments!

But what then? What if they find esophageal cancer? I'm going to be sitting here for a week worrying about the validity of these tests, and how pissed I'll be if everything's ok because of how much all of this is costing me (all so they can tell me to keep taking prilosec and get checked regularly……….) But quite frankly, what if? What if it turns out that I have something wrong with me that needs addressed?! I can't afford to get that shit treated! Period! I don't wanna end up like my friend Derek, but quite frankly - DEREK LIVED IN CANADA! I don't know the ins and outs of what he had to pay and didn't have to pay, but I'm sure that something like this would bankrupt me in the US and not bankrupt me in Canada.

And what if I do have cancer? I have no insurance! Good luck getting insurance with a pre-existing condition! There ought be some sort of law in this country……oh wait, wasn't that in Obama's health bill that so many people are ignorantly challenging?

I wonder how my mom felt 30 years ago, hearing the news that she was going to die. I wonder how she felt knowing there was no treatment, and that if there were a treatment she likely couldn't afford it anyway. I wonder if I'll end up like her, dead by 36?

I'm in sticker shock somewhat. How in the hell can you expect a normal working class individual to afford medical bills in this economy if they were not lucky enough to have insurance? How in the hell can you put a price tag on my life? How in the hell can you think that it's ok to intimidate people into not getting treatment because they know they can't afford it, and they can't leave their families with that sort of debt?

Now I understand why Walter White (Breaking Bad) does it…..not that I didn't understand before, it just hits home now.

I left the gastroenterologists office, with $150 less in cash, after missing two days of pay at work, feeling scared about what's going to happen to me. I'm scared the "what if's". What if I have cancer? What if I can't come up with the money to pay for all of this. What if I drain my measly $600 from my savings and use it to pay the down payments, then get laid off again in a week? What if all this does is put me into debt, and I'm fine? I've had 3 reactions to all of this since leaving the gastroneterologist.

1 - I wanted to cry. I know I can't afford ANY of this. But I'm almost forced into it. Sure, there are payment arrangements and plans, but the fact remains that I'm still going to have paid $550 by next week just in down payments alone, and the income assistance will not really cover enough of it for me. I felt scared and wanted to cry.

2 - I wanted to get shit faced. I thought to myself "Is 10am too early to get a bottle of jack daniels and drink myself to an oblivion?"

3 - I'm currently venting and trying to take my mind off of it all. I'm sort of in "recall mode" right now, and am avoiding actually thinking about these things and what they mean to me for fear of going off the deep end. I'm numbingly recalling what I've felt and what my frustrations are, so that I can write this blog, but if I stop to think about it for a second I start getting that tightness in my throat.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go get a bottle of Jack and go to town. I'm in no shape for doing homework, and I can't focus on mixing right now. I'll see you from cloud 9.

A promotion?

Ok, I can't go into what I'd be doing, but I'm psyched about the status of my day job. Just a few months ago, I was a temporary employee who was let go because of a lack of work. That makes sense, if there's no work there's no reason to pay people to sit there on the clock. I was brought back in August and have been doing my best to make myself a valuable employee. Ok, sure, if you read this blog, you know that I have other ambitions in life that involve self employment, but I'm not there yet. For now, I have to rely on the cheddar this job brings in. So I've been doing my best to improve my performance at the job so that if cuts are made again, I'm harder to let go.

It must be working. My boss has repeatedly been pointing out how well I'm doing here, and approached me today to train me in another department. Evidently, I'm increasing my value at the company!

So in essence, there's no pay raise (yet), but I just got a promotion!

WOO HOO!

Time alone on the road.....

My wanderlust got the best of me this weekend. It was pretty bad......in such a good way.

I was trying to be productive Sunday. Balancing school, work, studio work, doing shows, ect....I hardly have a time to just do something for the soul. I've been dying to go on a road trip lately, but haven't had the cash to do so and have a persisting thought of being too busy to plan anything.

So Sunday, I was running errands. I was going to go to Walmart and do some grocery shopping. But when I got there, around 2:30, I found myself turning on NPR and playing Angry Birds in my car for 30 minutes. I think I just didn't wanna keep going without doing something for me. I deserved it, right? The thought of just continuing on without taking some ME time, it was actually kind of pissing me off.

So at 3:00, I had a moment of spontaneity. I decided that I wasn't going to do anything until I'd had an open road moment. I needed it, and I was going to get it, damnit!

So I drove out of Marion, hitting US 23 northbound. I had no destination in mind, I was just going to drive and see where the road took me. As I crossed into Wyandotte County, I got ecstatic! I hadn't been through this part of Ohio in YEARS, but it was just nice to have the open road in front of me and be able to go exploring! I really need to do that more often, it felt REALLY freeing!

I'm driving nb on US 23, thinking that I'd drive up to Findlay and turn back. But then, along the way just north of Upper Sandusky, I made the split second decision to turn off and take another road to see where it was going! This wound up being Rt. 199, which goes past the Wyandot County Aiport, and took me to Carey Ohio. I began thinking that I'd just stay on 199, and head up to Fostoria before turning back. But I missed the turn in Carey and decided to just keep going anyway. Turns out that I was now on 568, which lead to Findlay anyway, so I decided to just head up there.

Just past Carey, I pulled over to take a picture of a vanalized billboard. You've gotta love bored people in small town Ohio!




So I continue down 568 into Findlay. This town reminds me severely of Marion, and Portsmouth, and even though it seems more quaint and has a certain charm, I'd go crazy living there. I already am going crazy living in Marion, and I've already done Portsmouth.

When I was in the heart of Findlay, I saw a road I was familiar with, Rt. 37. This road goes south through Richwood and LaRue, so I decided to take this road to get home, as I'd never driven that stretch of Rt. 37. Just after turning on the road, I stopped for gas. Adding to the charm of this typical small-town-in-Ohio town as the culture I encountered at the gas station. I saw a scraggly blonde woman in her early 20's surrounded by 3-4 kids that couldn't have been older than 5, and she was talking to her friend. I heard her say to her friend "....and I missed a court date that I didn't even know that I HAD?!?!?" - Ah, gotta love small town Ohio!

So I snapped one more photo before embarking out of Findlay, this one was of me looking at downtown from my drivers side mirror. Nothing special, but I thought I'd share.



So I continued on my drive down 37. I was thinking originally of driving down to Bellefountaine, but decided to just find my way back home instead. But somehow I missed a turn on my way and I found myself on Rt. 68 heading south instead of Rt. 37. This was still cool, cause I'd never been there before. I noticed that Rt. 68 ran into Kenton, which connected to Marion via Rt. 309. So that was my plan of action. The drive from that point was relatively uneventful, but it was just nice to be on the road and experience the thrill of being behind the wheel with miles ahead of me. I honestly feel a lot better having had the chance to get out of my routine and do this for myself, even though it was a senseless waste of fossil fuels. I'm looking forward to doing it again!