Hate

Over the past month, I've been feeling pressure to finish some things that should've been done by now. I've been working hard to get them done, but I've been feeling a sense of pressure from those who are waiting for them. To those people, I'm sorry. I'm working on it, and nearing home plate, but I still feel pressure…..although some of it may all just be my own head blowing it way out of proportion. Still, it makes me feel like people are starting to look at me more negatively. That's never fun.

Then I get in a fight today on Facebook with my brother over fundamental beliefs he holds that touched a personal nerve with me. This got my father and my brothers mother on the defense against me, and made me start questioning whether or not I was overblowing things.

But the biggest thing is regrets for things I did to someone who means the world to me in 2011 while I was going through my emotional torment. I'm looking back at events that played out, looking at how I handled them, and I get disgusted with myself. I almost feel like I'm not worthy to have Laura in my life, and I wonder why she still clung to me. I'm glad she did, and most of the time I feel wonderful, but on the rare occasion when I do allow myself to start feeling regretful feelings of what I did over the summer (rather than block it out so that I can get past the guilt and move on), it's crippling.

It makes me feel like I don't deserve any of what I have. I certainly haven't been a great person over the past year, and I've taken everything for granted at one time or another. I hope that in 2012 I can change that, but this isn't a positive post. Quite frankly, I'm really pissed off at myself. I feel like in some ways I've alienated a lot of people I knew thanks to the emotional shit I've been so public about over the last 11 months since Sarah left, and I kinda feel alone. But in a weird, twisted, fucked up kinda way, I feel like I deserve that. I feel like I don't deserve to have friends, I don't deserve to have awesome projects to work on in the studio, I don't deserve to have Laura in my life…….

I just feel like it should all go away, because I've taken it all for granted and don't deserve any of it.

Part of me doesn't want to ever feel like I deserve any of what I have, because I worry that if I start feeling like I deserve it, I'll start feeling entitled to it and start taking it for granted. I don't want to do that. If there's one thing I'm trying to retain as a permanent lesson from the last year, it's humility.

And right now, I feel that the world is relatively stacked against me. I feel it should be that way, and maybe they should all just leave me be, because I'd deserve that.

I dunno if any of that makes any sense.