Spiritual Fulfilment

I may be a self employed multi-preneur working for a career in the music industry, and a full time student, but the goals I'm reaching for with those ambitions are part spiritual and part financial. Those are ambitions that will shape how I live the rest of my life hopefully. But there is more to life than how you earn your money.

There's also the spiritual side. I'm agnostic, but I find a lot of spiritual healing in nature. This is obvious if you've read any of my rants about Colorado.

I was watching netflix today and found a documentary called "Ride The Divide". This 80 minute flick shows a race that took place on the Continental Divide trail, which goes from Banff Canada to the Mexico Border. I watched this movie, thinking about how much I'd LOVE to make this trip. I'm not sure I'd wanna do the race, cause that would be ridiculous, but who knows. It's almost 3,000 miles over the Rocky Mountains from north to south.

Being a fat, lazy 31 year old…..I've got some work to do. I'm gonna start riding, which will require buying a bike. But Laura's interested in doing this with me. We're talking about possibly doing TOSRV, maybe this year.

Part of me wants a new activity to be excited about, and a way of getting back to nature. I think this would be ideal, cause you'd see nature slowly, rather than at 75mph on the interstate, and you could take your time and savor it. This would also give me a new activity to keep myself in shape, cause let's face facts here. I'm getting fat.

There's also the added benefit of having a new activity to do with Laura. I'm excited to try some new things with her, and I know she's a fitness buff. Well, that's putting it lightly. Let's say that she geeks out on crossfit the way I geek out on free acoustical treatment for the studio. So having this activity that we could share, I think it could help bring us closer together.

This is just me thinking out loud (but then again, isn't that the point of a blog?), but what I'd like to try eventually before doing the Divide trail would be to ride from Ohio to Colorado and back. It's pretty much flat, and I think it would be a good test of endurance. Maybe also a ride through the Appalachian's down to Atlanta to help build up Mountain endurance……

Of course I'd need to start smaller than that, so maybe a few rides from Central Ohio to neighboring states as I get my endurance up would be in order. Who knows?

I have a goal to do the Divide trail before my 40's. We'll see if I can do it, cause I've got almost 9 full years ahead of me, so hopefully by then I'll have implemented my 5 year goal and will be financially stable enough to take long stretches of time off of work to do stupid things like this.

But this is what I'm wanting to try now. I'm really excited about this, and we'll see how it goes.

The effect

You know that feeling when you can't be with the one you love, and you know they're having a tough time? It tears you up knowing that they are going through something that you can't help them with, and nothing short of hearing from them and talking to them to make sure they are ok will help ease you mind. Now that I'm available for her, I can't reach her, and I'm feeling selfish for not getting away sooner and rushing to her side.

This is the emotional side overpowering my logical side, but then again, who ever said Love is rational? It's far from it. Love removes logic from the equation, and is such a powerful force that it can be all consuming. Right now, it's all consuming, but it's not logical. The logical side says that there's nothing I can do for her right now, and that I should just try not to worry about it until I hear from her. But the part that is overpowering me is the emotional side, which has me looking at the phone every two minutes, and checking Facebook to see if she's online, and just hoping she'll reach out to me to tell me all is well. The emotional side wants me to drive 60 miles to her house just to see with my own eyes that she's ok, while the logical side says that it's 120 miles round trip and a 2.5 hour drive. But the emotional side may win this battle.

So this is what the for worse part means when they say "for better or for worse". No, we're not married, but I can't see myself with anyone else ever again. I wanna be there for better or for worse. And even though I know I'm going through some levels of turmoil knowing that she's struggled today and I couldn't be there, I wouldn't trade having her in my life for anything. I love you Laura.

Keeping positive.

I've decided that enough is enough. I know that I'm depressed, even though I've not been officially diagnosed. But I'm aware that I am. What else could explain this year long battle?

So I'm done with it. I've got a lot of things to keep positive about. While I don't think that just trying to keep focused on the positive will make all the difference in the world, it s something I need to remind myself of on a constant basis if I'm gonna get through this. I've actually got a lot going for me, and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I've got a record label, two musical projects, studio clients, school, a new control room at the studio……



I've got a roof over my head, and that doesn't appear to be ready to change anytime soon. I've got time to do my own thing for a while. My bills are paid, my cupboards are full, I have studio work coming in, and I have friends.

Most importantly is the most beautiful and wonderful woman I've ever met. Laura keeps me stable when she's with me, and I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. I'm blessed in that I was able to find love again. I feel like the luckiest man alive when I'm with her.



And I'm also blessed that I had such a long run in my previous relationship. Things may have ended on a sour note, and odds are this won't be the end of my ill feelings toward things, but I did have 12 years during which I was happy and saw many wonderful things. Thank you Sarah for that.

I just need to keep positive as much as I can. Now that I realize it's likely clinical depression that's causing me so much anguish, I need to try to do what I can to work past it. Admitting it is part of that. I don't know what else it will take other than time, but I'm working to get through this. I'm not just doing it for my sake, but I'm doing it for the sake of everyone who knows me. From the readers of this blog to the people I talk about in the blog, all of you are seeing the negative side of this play out like a slow motion car wrek.

So let's just hope I can keep a positive focus and keep my head in the game. It's been hard at times, and has been physically crippling on occasion. But I need to get through this for my own good.

Wish me luck.

Too long. By a longshot.

If someone had told me how damaging everything that happened to me this time last year would've been to me, I'd have run for cover. But the fact is that it's been well over a year since the meltdown began, and I'm still struggling with a lot of anger. This leads me to a conclusion.

I'm fucked up and need to see someone.

I think that my self diagnosis of depression isn't likely that far off base. Evidently, my incessant rants about the past to this blog is causing some problems in other circles, and I'm also generally sick and tired of bitching about the same damned things over and over and over and over and over and over…..

But what is a person to do? No day job, hence no income to seek help. I don't know what my options may be, but quite frankly it's been way too long. Way too long by a longshot. I need this to end.

My first band EVER......

Anyone wanna hear what my first band EVER sounded like? This is pretty horrid stuff, but we thought we were the shit back then! This was Day 9, and we were together in Portsmouth Ohio from 1999 to 2002.



I played guitar, but I did sing on a few tracks. Mostly though, I wasn't on the mic in this band. Guess which one is me!



I'm proud to say that this band will be forever immortalized in the Hall Of Douchebags!

Caught up in myself?

We all do it when we get excited about something good. We get lost in ourselves, and forget about things that were said to them even three hours earlier. When we're reminded of them, we remember, but we completely forget unless we're reminded.

One of the things that drove Sarah up the wall was that this would happen to me often. She'd tell me something, I'd hear it and acknowledge it, then forget about it while getting caught up in my own thing. She would swear up and down that I just didn't listen to her, when that wasn't the case.

I look at that as one of the things I could've done better in the relationship, and have vowed to try to improve on the list of things I came up with. But I did that to Laura today, and I feel like a jerk. She told me something, I acknowledged it, then asked her about it later as if she hadn't told me about it.

On one hand, I was excited about how my new control room is shaping up. Here's a pic for those of you who are curious.



On one hand, sure I was excited. But why do I completely forget about facts that I was told until the instant that I am reminded of them? This troubles me some. I don't wanna annoy or aggravate Laura the way I did to Sarah for 12 years.

Admittedly, part of it could be my Adult A.D.D. Certain things that fascinate me can very easily take over all of my thoughts and make me lose track of things. But knowing that I do this makes me worry, and I worry because of how negatively that was perceived by the previous relationship.

I guess we'll see if I can overcome this, or if it's just a part of who I am.

Ex-planation.

Ok, for obvious reasons, there were parties who are close to my ex who were offended by my blog last night where I mention that I was harboring some fury at my ex for bringing me back to Ohio. Let's elaborate on that.

If you read the blog, you saw that even I acknowledge that this wasn't entirely rational. I'm trying to live a more rational life, but sometimes a person is going to feel things that aren't rational and I have few outlets to get those things out. It may not be liked that one of the ways I choose is a public forum, but this blog has been a major benefit to my psychological well being. It forces me to be honest with myself, and it forces me to remember that what i say on it I'm held accountable for. Last night was no exception, as my thoughts were offensive to some. Now let's see if I can explain it so that it's understood without hopefully being offensive, because it's not intended to be.

A lot of shitty things have happened to me over the last 18 months since I moved back to Ohio. Shitty jobs, shitty clients, shitty grades, shitty emotional issues that I'm still trying to resolve (which I blame on undiagnosed depression), unemployment, dumpster diving for scrap metal, ect.. When I was with Sarah, these things would've had a lessened impact on me. There would've been stress over the job loss, but the money issues wouldn't have been as severe (hence no dumpster diving). There wouldn't have been a complete change in every single aspect of my entire life as I knew it, therefore no depression to deal with. There would've still been shitty jobs, it's Ohio after all, but having that second income in the house would've made them less stressful. I wouldn't have been forced to work full time just to keep a roof over my head, and working even 10 hours less each week would've given me more time to focus on school. (hence, no shitty grades).

In other words, in one form or another, a lot of the turmoil that I've gone through would've been far lessened if she hadn't have left, hence some resentment toward her is bound to exist.

That said, as I stated before in my previous post, I know it's not entirely rational. I mentioned that I had some good things going for me now, and some of those wouldn't be possible if she were still in the picture. So the rational side of me knows I need to deal with it and make the most of what I do have. But since I do feel that I've been dealing with depression since October 2010, it's not as easy as just ignoring it and working to better myself. It's something that occasionally still crushes my ability to focus on anything else, and I get really moody, pissed off, sad, and indignant to change my situation at any cost.

So I know some close to my ex were offended by the blog where I tout fury toward her for bringing me back to Ohio. But I hope this will clear up why that may exist, and help you understand that I'm aware of it's irrationality and am trying to move past that. I still care about her immensely (though I'm no longer in love with her, but we were also best friends who saw each other every day for nearly 12 years, so how can I not care about her immensely?), but in light of how things went down I have demons to deal with that will take some time. Please don't hold it against me, I'm trying to work through it.

Fight

Ok, I'm ready to throw down. I know what I want. I allow myself to feel pity and get upset, because I'm human and it's ok to feel those things. But I've allowed that enough for the night. No more. I'm back in fighting mode. I'm gonna get the fuck out of this financial funk and live my life on my fucking terms if it fucking kills me in the process!



Calming down a bit, I'm starting to think that my entire anger and abandonment issue stems from the fact that, going it alone financially, those things are all now no longer accessible for me. It's hard, because before when I had another income in the house, we'd go on trips and everything seemed at my fingertips. That was a wonderful feeling, being able to get in the car and go to wherever based on a little planning.

But now, going it alone financially, I've tried this fucking Colorado trip twice and have failed at least once, maybe twice. If I can't get a better financial picture by June, it's not gonna happen. This fills me with fury about the fact that I can't seem to make this one simple task of going somewhere for at least a fucking vacation come to be. I can't seem to make it back to the place that I do consider my home in many respects.



So yeah, I'm pissed. But I also now am wondering if anyone else has had such withdrawals over a location like this, or if I'm just fighting a major obsession? It's not a topic that gets discussed that often, and I do wonder if this is all just in my head, or if this is something that others are dealing with too.

Now it's time to get over that and continue getting my life back so I can have the things I want out of it. Fuck sitting idle. I've spent too much time today on my ass.

Random

Here I sit in my new control room, which currently lacks acoustic treatment, so any mixing activities would have to take place via headphones until Wednesday when I will have assistance in placing the new acoustical panels. Here's a photo of the current state of the room.



The panels in the corner aren't going to look like that when all is said and done. I've wrapped them in one layer of fabric, and there will be another going over that which will be more appealing to the eye. I'm going to go get some speaker stands tomorrow in all likelyhood, as I'll be in Columbus anyway to take a test.

The panels you see in the corners, which are just leaning there for now, are helping to absorb some of the bass frequencies that were out of control in my other control room. I've graduated from this....



.....which features the ghetto-phonic blankets on the walls to help control room acoustics. It's kind of interesting to see this new phase of evolution when it's compared to what I've worked with in the past. I wish I had photos of my audio desk in Indiana, and my desk at my home on Apache Spring Drive in Conifer Colorado, but I do have my Kings Valley studio photos to start my evolution display. So let's examine. And yes, I know I've shown some of these pics in my blog before.

This was master control at my Kings Valley studio when I first moved to Kings Valley in 2009.



Thanks to a chance meeting with Bob Swanson, I graduated to this within a few months. This is likely February 2010.



Here's a video I shot giving a tour of the Kings Valley studio after Bob Swanson's generosity.



After moving to Marion, Ohio, in June 2010, I was able to take over more space for recording purposes. Now I have a live room, which is pictured below.



But my control room was far from aesthetically pleasing. It was rather ghetto-phonic, but functional. Here is my control room as of last night before tearing it down and moving it to the new control room.




And now, you see the in-progress control room for Skyline Sound Studios pictured below! This photo was taken last night after moving the gear to the new room and setting it up. There's still a lot of work that needs to be done to the new Master Control, but in just 2.5 years my studio has come a long way (figuratively and physically...lol).



So here I sit in my new control room, of which I'm really proud despite it's humble appearance. It'll be booming soon enough when the treatment goes up later this week, and the new speaker stands will help me increase the stereo field by allowing me to put the speakers further back away from the captains chair. The new room is going to be less embarrassing to bring clients into, while not requiring a significant monetary investment (I don't wanna put a lot of money into a place I plan on leaving by summer's end).

On that note, here I sit partially proud of the new control room, and partially contemplative of my future. My income is far less certain than it was 3 weeks ago. I'm trying to make a go of things as is, and we'll see how far I can take it, but I'm feeling kind of anxious about reaching my goals. I've got lofty ones, I realize that, but they are kind of intimidating.

I think about the 5 year goal, and I wonder what the next phase would be in getting me to that goal. I think about the possibilities of my free time, and how far I can take things now that I have the ability to focus on my life on my terms. I think about what would happen if I'm not financially stable when the unemployment runs out. I think about new ventures that I plan to undertake and what would happen if I were to fail at them.

It's a lot to think about, and those thoughts tend to keep me weighed down. I guess that's one of the other reasons I blog, because now that I'm nearing the end of the blog I'm feeling like getting off my ass and tackling the world. So sometimes, aimless undirectional rants are a good thing it would seem.

Ok, lots to do. Bye.

.....barriers to entry into the music business.....

I'm a man of many hats. One of those hats is studio owner / producer, but I also am 1/2 of Project DIVIDE, a solo artist, co-owner of F.R.O.E. Records, video editor, podcaster, and a full time student.

"Yeah, so are a lot of people....."

I've been noticing that a lot of people in the independent music marketplace are touting a similar resume, and while they may be those things, it would seem that a lot of them are still honing their craft and therefore are polluting the scene with low quality products. On one level, this low barrier to entry for anyone with a few hundred dollars infuriates me to a certain degree. Sure we all start somewhere, and if you one day turn into the next hot shit producer because of the time you spent paying your dues, then more power to you. But seeing my services being similar in price to some (not all, but some) of these competitors, yet my end product being leaps and bounds beyond the products they are putting out (this isn't meant to come accross as me being pretentious, but most untrained ears and eyes can spot the quality difference). On another level, this gives me a low competition barrier. I outdo the competition at this price point, next thing you know I've got that share of the market, and I start attacking a higher price point and building the business to compete with heavier competition.

So yeah, I wear a lot of hats, just like my peers. But hopefully I'll be able to sell Columbus on the fact that my end product is leaps and bounds beyond most of the competition that I've seen at this price point for a recording studio.

No rest for the wicked. Goodnight.

Suspicion

I'm starting to feel like a fool, and starting to get the sinking suspicion that I was lied to in a very profound way last February.

I'm too gullible and trusting, perhaps, but some things just don't seem to make sense when I look back on them. The sad thing is that if I were told the truth, but it wasn't the truth I suspect, then there'd be no way to ease this suspicion.

I'd better address it in person before posting it to the blog, but no matter what I'm told, I won't believe it. That's the saddest thing of all. I feel betrayed, and like a complete tool.

Stuck

I hate feeling stuck and helpless.

I hate the feeling when someone you love is suffering because of shit that someone else did to them, and knowing that no matter what you do, you aren't going to be able to stop that suffering. It's a useless feeling. But then, I also hate the questions that go with that. Do I reach out to the person, or give them space. Do I leave them be, or go try to comfort them and refuse to leave their side. What do I do? That's the question that's killing me today.

I would do anything for her, but I just don't know in what capacity I should be there for her right now. I don't know what to do. To stay in Marion and not go help her seems selfish, but I can't imagine what she's going through so I can't say that going to Reynoldsburg to be with her would be helpful. If it were me, would I want to be left alone, or would I want someone there? I can't imagine it being me because there's no way possible that I could put myself in the situation, hence I can't relate in any way. I can relate on the anger, and I can empathize on the pain and betrayal, but I can't truly know what she's going through. In a case like that, I can't put myself in her shoes to see what I would want, and act accordingly.

I'm in limbo.

The last thing I wanna do is make it about me, because it's a whole hell of a lot bigger than that. But this blog is where I turn to sort things out, hence this post. She knows I'm here for her in any capacity, and I've told her that nothing is an unreasonable demand right now. Logic is telling me to just stay put and be productive, but to also be available. My emotions are telling me to run to her and try to ease her pain.

Laura, I love you more than life itself. I'm here for you no matter what, through anything.

Oh, and yeah, I'm not mentioning what happened for a reason, k ;)

Logic v Emotion

I've been noticing a trend lately, thanks to Laura for pointing it out. I always knew it was there, but I never pinpointed what it was til she clarified it for me. Some people can't be reasoned with, that's a fact I've always known. But now I think I understand why.

Emotions play a large role in blocking logic from taking place. Some people allow their emotions to rule everything they do, and don't tend to look at anything logically.

Case in point, the argument over the right to die. I'm strongly for it, because why should someone who is terminally ill and has no hope of living be forced to outlive the rest of their days if they don't choose too? But even though I'm passionate about this, I have the ability to look at all sides logically. Some people view any termination of life as immoral, and I get that. Therefore I realize that this is a multifaceted issue that doesn't have a simple answer. I still feel with my gut that my stance is the right choice, but the logical side of me is capable of seeing all sides and why some people might feel the way they feel. So I don't push the issue. I'll make my stance on something known, but if they start getting emotional instead of logical, I typically back off. There's no reasoning with them if they let emotion rule.

There are times where the emotion is so strong that it would be a dick move for me to push the issue. For example, my anti-death penalty stance is in direct contrast to my friend's pro-death penalty stance. I'm not gonna name his name, but he's witnessed a murder and lost a family member to a break in that turned into a murder. He's been strongly impacted by the actions of others, and I realize that he's passionate about his stances because of this. I'm not saying that his arguments aren't logical, but because of how easily he could slip into emotion and get upset about the issue, I respectfully don't debate him. That would be a dick move, and he's got the right to his opinion. After all, who am I to pick at someone's emotional wounds?

But some people who don't have such strong emotional ties to issues are capable of using only emotion and not logic to look at an argument through only their own perspective, and feel very strongly that there should be and cannot be any other option. These people cannot be reasoned with, and it's because they use emotion to rule their feelings instead of logic.

It can be hard to live based on logic and not emotion. I'm trying to do it, but there are instances where it can be hard. For my own betterment, I feel that this is the right move and will lead to a less stressful and more fulfilled life. But this is my choice, based on my own logical analysis. It does make me angry when people make erroneous assumptions about what I say to them because their emotions got in the way and told them that I was saying something that I never even implied. It's hard to bite my tongue when that happens.

But there's no arguing with illogical people.

Those Annoying Whitney Houston Internet Meme's.

First of all, I'm not a Whitney Houston fan. Let that be clear. But I keep seeing things like this come up on Facebook. You should be able to click the meme to make it bigger.





These are annoying me to no end. Let me explain why I wish these meme's would just die already.

Let's start with the second one, because I've seen a TON of meme's acting outraged by the fact that Whitney is making headlines by dying, when soldiers in Iraq aren't. So we'll attack that first.

Look at it again, just for good measure.



We'll ignore the fact that the idiot who made this can't spell Whitney, and start with what it says about the late pop icon. Whitney Houston, who was famous for going into rehab and dying in her bathtub, is making worldwide news.

It would seem that the public are having a major case of "what have you done for me lately" syndrome. Let's give some examples of why Ms. Houston was ACTUALLY famous (and no, I can't force myself to post "THAT" song. You know which one I'm talking about.)







You see, unlike Paris Hilton, who never contributed a damn thing to society…



Whitney Houston gave us great music, and also memorable films!





Like Whitney Houston's acting and music or not, I don't care. The point is that she was a beloved musician and actress who created music that resonated with people, and movies that people had their first kisses too. She was an integral part of millions of lives all around the world.

Later, sadly, she declined into drug use, and eventually died. Now everyone seems to have forgotten that she was once world famous for her talents, and not for her drug use.

Aside from how appalling it is that someone could judge someone else's entire life based on the bad things they did while forgetting the good, those who are spreading these meme's seem to be acting like those bad things are all she ever was. This annoys me. She was a talented singer, and even though I was never really a fan of her music, that lady was on top of her game at one point and could outsing the best of them.

Now, let's examine the other half of the Soldier meme. Let's show it again, for good measure.



Lt. Michael Murphy, Navy Seal, Medal Of Honor, Gave his life for his squad….forgotten.

First of all, I've never seen Michael spelled with the E before the A. Maybe this was the one instance where I'm wrong, but I'm gonna assume the idiot who made this can't spell their way out of a kindergarten class.

That said, the accomplishments of Lt. Michael Murphy are admirable. But the last line of this implies that he was forgotten. Well, evidently he wasn't if he's now on a vastly viral internet meme. Lt. Michael Murphy, I salute you for your bravery. I'm saddened by your sacrifice (if you're real….let's face it, I don't doubt the person's existence, but this would be easy to fake, and the person who made this didn't even use spell check. I don't care enough about this topic to research his existence). If you are real, Lt. Murphy, then thank you for your service to our country.

That said, how is an anonymous soldier in ANY WAY the same as the death of someone who was world famous for touching the lives of zillions of people around the world in a deep and personal way? Soldiers are doing a thankless job, and they aren't doing it to be famous. Ms. Houston IS famous. That's why she's front page news!

So let's look at another soldier who is also famous.



Pat Tillman was a celebrity who died in battle. Let's leave out the tragic circumstance of the friendly fire that killed him, and focus on the fact that this was a FAMOUS soldier who's death DID make headlines.

Now, let's look at the meme about the underground metal hero.

Let's just show it for good measure.



Ok, we'll focus on "Quorthon" instead of Whitney, because I've already gone there.

Tomas Quorthon Forsberg was in a swedish black metal band called Bathory. Here's a taste.



You know, black metal is such a niche'd genre of music that it has never reached top 40 standing, at least not in the US. I don't know about other countries.....but I doubt it. That's not a knock on black metal, that's just how I see it. In my opinion, the people who play this genre don't do it for the fame and fortune (because, well, WHAT fame and fortune? Comfortable living off of your niche'd fan base, perhaps, but fame and fortune?), but instead do it because they enjoy listening to and playing this style of music. So the fact that Quorthon died without making front page headlines doesn't surprise me. Nobody outside of the black metal scene has even HEARD of this guy.

One upside of Quorthon being tied to Whitney Houston in this meme is that Bathory's record sales could see a spike. Just sayin......

These memes are annoying because they are implying that anyone who dies deserves to be given front page headlines across the globe. That's flawed. What impact did the person have on the planet on an individual level? That's the factor that decides what headlines they get.

Quorthon, you are mourned amongst the black metal community. I saw "RIP Quorthon" on several Bathory youtube videos while looking for one to post. Lt. Michael Murphy, if you are real, you are mourned by your family and by your country for giving your life to protect it.

Whitney Houston, you died in a profoundly sad way after surrendering yourself to drug addiction, and it's a sad waste of your talents to see you go down the road you traveled, but your accomplishments will never be forgotten by the millions of lives you touched personally with your music and movie career.

RIP Whitney Houston, Lt. Michael Murphy, and Tomas Quorthon Forsberg.

No matter how bad it gets, it always gets better too.

It's been a shitty February, and I know that. Yet here I sit, covered in paint, sweating, and smelling at 3 am. Sure, things suck, but I'm slaving for my future. That's something to feel proud of.

I scored some acoustic treatment for the studio this week. The cool thing is that, since I'm unemployed otherwise, I didn't have to pay anything for it! Nope, NOT TELLING! MUWHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!


These are bare panels, I'll have to cover them in fabric and mount them on the walls. But I'm not mounting them in my current control room. There are a few reasons why.

Let's start this off by saying that we all start somewhere, and as our ears improve in the audio field, we realize what we're doing wrong and how to correct it. That's also true of how your gear is set up. Somewhere during the mixing the Enemy By Mourning record, I realized that I was set up completely wrong, and it was taking me longer BECAUSE of that error!

Skyline Sound Studios is located in my home. When Sarah and I moved in, I picked the only room with carpet and claimed that as master control. I picked it because it had carpet, and therefore would cut down on flutter echo and such. The problem is that the only logical place to put the desk was in the corner of the room, because there are doors in two opposite corners (diagonally across from each other), and windows on one wall. There really was only one option, and I have a corner workstation desk, so I stuck it in the corner.

To say that my hearing improved over the last year would be a major understatement. I scrutinized everything so intently because I was trying to improve my skills, which would allow me to compete in the central Ohio studio market. But through the mixing of that record, I started hearing what my current gears limitations were, and wanting to go past that point. So I realized that there were some things that needed to change, both in my equipment and my room.

I did some research to see how I could improve the acoustics of my room, and that's when I realized the error of my ways in placing the desk in the corner. Let me remind you that the corner was the only logical place to put the desk in it's current room, but the problem is that bass frequencies congregate in corners. Typically, you'll wanna use bass traps to absorb them, but here I was putting my critical listening area right in the middle of low end's breeding ground.

Not being able to do anything about it yet, I mixed the Enemy By Mourning record through headphones in an attempt to take the room out of the picture. Then I spent some time looking into what the proper layouts should be and how to handle acoustics in this environment. I decided to move master control to a new room in the house, which would allow me to put the desk against a flat centered wall.

Again, we all start somewhere, and even though I've been doing this a while it was only in the last 3 years that my skills finally started sharpening. So now that I know how to correct the issue, it was time to do something about it.

I got the panels that you see below.....


.....and just now I started priming the new control room.

Before:


Ready to start:

Primed:


The panels are bare, and need to be mounted onto wood frames (to help them hang on the wall), then covered in fabric and hung. To save money, and to be more green, I'm using old bedsheets that are solid colors to cover the panels. This should give it a unique look, and they'll still look professional while being environmentally friendly. I'm still hoping to be out of this town by summer's end, so I don't wanna invest a ton of money into these panels just yet. They need to look not-ghetto and work, that's all I care about for now.

The ideal environment is to NOT be in a house, but we go to war with the army we have and not the army we want. Like most businesses, I'm starting out meager and trying to make a mountain out of a grain of sand. I'm making waves, and this new room should help the end result of my mixes improve by leaps and bounds. After all, if I'm gonna take over central Ohio's studio market by 2017, I've gotta iron out my kinks now and hustle in the business.

The interesting side effect was the feeling of a job well done, and the effects it had on my tense and anxious day/week/month/year. I'm feeling pretty awesome right now, cause I've made major steps in improving my chances of getting where I wanna be.

I'll be posting before/after pics when the new control room is up.

Fear and loathing.

Life is what happens while you're making other plans.

Boy, that just seems to sum up my February.

I can't really discuss the newest development, but just know that it involves someone hurting someone close to me in a very profound way. There's an investigation, and I can't discuss. I'm not involved in any of it, but to be tactful, I shouldn't discuss.

But to the "alleged" offender, if you did it, you deserve to be locked in a prison and gang raped daily.



I feel sick

Something's gotta change.

My life is just on hold. I'm trying to work to get things done, but it's taking too long. Yeah, I know, patience is a virtue and good things come to those who wait. But if that's the case, then why do I feel so damned stagnant? Maybe it's because now that I have all this free time to focus on my goals, I realize how much time I was wasting doing the 9-5 thing to make ends meet. Now that I'm stable enough to live without that for a bit, I see the opportunity to get things done and I don't feel that I'm moving fast enough.

I want to see the fruits of my labors. The problem is that these labors take time, and in a lot of cases, money. So we'll see. Maybe I'm just being impatient. But it's about time something changed.

Rejuvinating effect.....

I can't explain it, but if you've ever been in love with a landscape, you'll understand it.

I had switched my computer's wallpaper to a picture of Olive as a puppy after hearing of her passing Saturday. Then, every time that I'd go back to my desktop it was like a punch in the chest.

I just decided that I needed to change it to something more uplifting. I chose a picture taken on the shores of Jackson Lake of The Tetons.



Just seeing this photo, and other photos of the mountains I've taken, instantly put my soul at ease. It almost has a rejuvenating effect just seeing them and knowing that I was there.

So now I reconsider the importance of making this Colorado trip in June happen. I'm not much of a spiritual person. It's not that I don't believe, I'm agnostic. But what I do believe in is the healing powers of nature on the soul, and now I'm feeling the urge to make this trip happen come hell or high water.

This might just be a pipe dream, but after falling in love with a landscape of such indescribable beauty, when that gets taken from you it's easy to obsess. I'm not moping and feeling sad, much like I was 6 months ago, but rather I'm feeling happy knowing that it's there and that I can go back there. Now I'm feeling that calling in my soul. I need it back, even if for a fleeting moment this summer.

More importantly in the immediate is the fact that just seeing these images reminds me of my goal. Now I'm reminded that beyond all the bullshit, I have a goal for my life. Now my resolve is strengthened, and right now I just wanna fight tooth and nail to get it back.

Marion…..

I'm wondering if my life is ever going to go the way I need it too as long as I'm living in Marion.

This town is the poorest city in the state, and I kinda feel cheated into living here and like I was stranded here.

I stay now because my rent is cheap, my space is large, and it gives me a place to set up shop for Skyline Sound Studios. Now that I'm technically unemployed, having a large place to park the studio on the cheap, and also rest my head, is a valuable asset. But here's the problem.

I'm 50 miles north of my target market for the studio, which is the Greater Columbus Metropolitan Area. People in Columbus act like driving from Groveport to Dublin is some monumental trek that you must be insane to wanna make. Needless to say, getting people interested in coming to Marion from Columbus has been a challenge.

I've lucked out on a few occasions. There have been artists willing to make the drive. But on the whole, I hear people ask where I'm located, then act appalled and say they are going to the facility that costs twice as much as I do instead. Do they not realize that the gas money they are spending to get to Marion would be far less than doubling their studio bill?

The obvious answer would be to cater to the Marion area. There are bands here, and a couple of competing studios. But the problem for me is the fact that I was raised in a small town very similar to Marion, and I'm terrified of this town. Let me elaborate.

To say that Marion is economically depressed is an understatement. It was declared last year as the poorest city in the state of Ohio. This causes unemployment to increase, which means that in order for me to cater to the Marion bands, I'm going to have to lower my prices to match this market. That will do nothing to get me out of Marion.

The other issue is the fact that economically depressed areas, such as this, typically have high use of hardcore drugs. In Scioto County, it's hillbilly heroin (a.k.a. Oxycontin). I was raised there, and saw some horrific things. If I lived in Scioto County, I'd put my studio gear in storage 3 counties away and tell no one I was a recording engineer for fear of a home invasion by a crack head looking for things to sell so they could get their fix.

Apparently, Marion's big problem is black tar heroin. So you take an economically depressed area with a well known substance abuse problem, and you have a recipe for a robbery. In fact, my car was broken into last spring, and I lost about $120 that I foolishly left in the car. This was right after Sarah moved out, and rent was very difficult to make that month as a result of the robbery. Now my neighbors bitch that I park on the street instead of in my lengthy dark driveway, but on the street under the street light, my car is in full view of my next door neighbors security camera. My asshole neighbor across the street can go fuck himself with something hard and sandpapery.

So not only was I stranded an hour from my target market, but now that I have a limited income (relying on unemployment), it's hard to justify making trips to Columbus to look for clients. And even if I find them, they may scoff at the idea of driving an hour north to work with me, or I'll hear "my friend has an 8 track. We'll just use that". I'm too scared of being robbed to look for clients in Marion. So the solution is to get the hell out of Marion. This would also increase my day job prospects exponentially.

I was still holding on to hope that I could make my Colorado stress relief vacation this summer happen. It may have to be shelved, and me remain angry, for another year, because I can't continue living up here. I mean, I can, but if my unemployment runs dry and I have no studio business or label income, I doubt I could handle working with those sexist racists on the assembly line at Whirlpool again. My stress level was already to the point of causing me physical ills before I got laid off two weeks ago. With news of Olive's tragic accident, I'm still just as stressed. There's no way I could bring myself to take that road again unless there were no other option……..which is often the case in a town like Marion.

It seems like as long as I live here, it's infinitely more difficult to move foreword.

The shitty thing is that in order to make this move and better my situation, I may have to hold off on some other financial commitments, which makes me hesitate yet again. These would be joint bills to my ex. Part of me wants to scream that she put me through hell, and that despite the fact that I showed her it would be easier to pay off certain bills if she were to stay even 6 more months, she moved anyway and made everything harder for both of us. I offered her a compromise, and she left regardless, which I get on some levels. She had to do what she needed to do to better herself, and in order to do that, she had to tighten the financial strings on both of us. Well, she won't be happy if it comes to that (notice I said "if"), but it may come down to me needing to tighten my financial strings in order to get ahead, and resume payments on those debts when I'm again able. I'm not sure if this will be necessary yet, we'll see. But if it's needed, it's needed. That's not a call to action, just a realistic analysis of what may be needed. We'll see if I can avoid that, because obviously I wanna keep my commitments. But I can't let my commitments drive me into the ground either.

So we'll see. It's clear that I need to get out of this town to better myself and my prospects. A week ago I'd have been heartbroken over losing my Colorado trip, but now after facing Olive's passing, I'm just focused on rebuilding my life as quickly as humanly possible. If I live to see my 5 year goal, barring unforeseen circumstances, the Rockies will still be there.

So now let's figure out how to make it happen.

Money isn't everything?

It's been proven that lack of money is directly tied to high levels of stress. The have-nots have more stress related illness than the have's, and the have-nots typically lack the medical coverage to care for those illnesses. The have's have many more opportunities to take advantage of what life has to offer than the have-nots, who typically spend their lives just trying to stay ahead. It's a vicious cycle.

Some say that Money isn't everything. I'm increasingly convinced, as a have not, that this is bogus, at least in America. In Canada, Great Britain, France, and other countries, the have-nots don't have to worry about their health, where in America, we have to worry about being able to pay for it, and if we can't, we go into unrepayable debt and ruin the rest of our lives. Does this make sense?


Sometimes, the have-nots have to rely on public assistance, which is a soul sucking demon designed to keep the person who needs it on it for the rest of time. For example, if you make $50 lower than the income ceiling for Food Stamps, you'll get food stamps. This could bring in a few hundred dollars worth of food to your household. But if you get a small raise, and earn even a little more than the income ceiling, then your several hundred dollars worth of food assistance could be taken away, and you're in a worse position than you were when you made less. Does this make sense?

If you have a child with special needs, and that child is bringing in state income assistance for you, then you have to report every penny that you earn and are not allowed to save money. If you get money, you have to spend it all within 6 months. The line of thinking is that if you need this assistance, then you'll need it less if you bring in more money, but the facts on the ground are that this makes it very hard to get ahead. This is because if you're relying on these types of assistance to provide for your disabled children, but your income creeps slightly above the requirement level, you'll lose far more than that little bit of income that you brought in, and will be drowning in stress and uncertainty yet again. If I'm a parent of disabled children, and I knew that going to work would lose me the money I get from the state to care for my kids, and I knew that if it were to be worth it my job would have to start me at over $40,000-year, why would I bother looking for work? It's Ohio. How many jobs start you out at over $40,000-year? So unless you can all of a sudden earn a large influx of steady cash, it's not worth getting a job and losing your benefits for your children. Does this make sense?


The fact is simple. When money holds you down from doing what you want, or NEED, to do in life, then money IS everything. But this isn't a rant about income inequality, and this isn't a rant about our broken safety net system. This is a rant about how whenever someone tells you that money isn't everything, it's easy to assume that they've never had to worry about money in the ways that I have.

Money is everything in this society. Right or wrong, it's a fact. Without it, it's hard to get by in any capacity. I've come from a trailer in a small town known for it's teen pregnancy rating, and I've been able to do some great things in life, but they were because I was in a relationship with someone who's family had a bit of money to help us when needed. When that relationship ended, money became an entirely new struggle for me, because even though I wasn't intentionally mooching off of that safety net, it was there. Now it's not, and over the summer I worried about losing the roof over my head. Now, thanks to unemployment and student loans, I'm ok for now, but if I were to get even a part time job, I'd lose half of the time I have available to study, and half of my unemployment benefits, regardless of how small my wages might be at that part time job. I'm now in the system, and although I don't wanna mooch off of it any longer than I have to, I'm better off financially on it unless I can get a job that pays me at least the same $14-hour that I made at my last job. Living in Marion……fat chance. Does that make sense?

So yeah, Money is everything. If you have it, you may still have stresses about Money, but you won't have to worry about dumpster diving for scrap metal to pay the rent. I was there last summer. If you don't have it, your stresses about Money will be at least 20 times more stressful because not securing it could cause you to lose everything VERY quickly.

So don't tell me that Money isn't everything.

A BREAK!

It looks like my unemployment is kicking in this week. My first payment has been issued, though I haven't recieved it yet. So even though I have no studio bookings right now that don't revolve around my own projects (which may take some time before they bear financial fruit), it looks like i've got an income for now and it'll be just enough to get me by. I wanna be careful, cause I don't wanna count my chickens before they've hatched, but best case scenario, I'm ok for now.

I don't wanna ride this out as long as I can, but the good thing is that I know that if I have to, I can, and I'll be ok. It's knowing that the safety net is there that gives me relief.

I won't go too in depth on it here, but according to my projections this is just the break I was looking for. So perhaps me losing my job was a good thing, as I was getting really stressed with everything piling up around me. Now I can approach life more relaxed and try to sort myself out financially.

It's such a warm wonderful happy feeling to know that despite my lack of a job, I won't starve. It's such a wonderful happy feeling to know that I'm financially ok for the time being. It's such a wonderful happy feeling to feel wonderfully happy for the first time in months.

Now it's time to use this safety net to ensure that I never have to use it again. I've got a mountain to climb, but I'm on my way.

More being numb.

I've been a total asshole to people on Facebook all day, and I know that I'm not normally like that. I hope I haven't made any enemies. I've been on the verge of a lot of anger about life in general, but mostly about Olive's passing.

Last night was rough cause I couldn't sleep. Tonight's shaping up the same way, cause it's 3:15am and I'm blogging.

I got some new information about how Olive died though, and although it came at a bad time (while I was pushing a homework deadline, which killed my ability to concentrate on the assignment), it was good to know for my own closure. It helped me understand what happened.

Apparently Sarah moved onto a very busy corner in Clintonville, and doesn't have a fenced in yard. One of her room mates let Olive out unattended, and olive wondered into the road. She was struck in the head, by a blue car according to the blue flecks in her ear, wandered back into the yard, and died.

I'm angry that the son of a bitch that hit her didn't stop to check on her well being. I'm angry that Olive was allowed out of the house unsupervised. I'm angry that my little girl is gone. I realized today that the last time Olive was at my house was in July, and that I only saw her once or twice after that, and that also makes me angry. But I'm at this point more sad than angry. I can only be angry for so long. Olive's gone, it's time to let go.

Now I'm sad, but my day of non-functioning due to immense pain (physical and emotional) is coming to an end. Life has to continue tomorrow. I'll miss her.

I love you Olive.

Robbed

I feel kinda robbed. I know this is no one's fault, but Olive's now gone. I feel robbed because I didn't have her much over the last year, and I kinda feel like I was cheated out of being in her life. I feel robbed because it's kinda symbolic of everything I lost last year still deteriorating. Again, it's no one's fault, and the practical side of me knows and acknowledges this. But I still feel what I feel.

I feel angry at the person who let Olive out of the house without watching her, considering that it's not a fenced in yard at the corner of a VERY busy intersect in Columbus. But it is what it is She's gone.

I need to be careful what I say, because I need it to be clear that I'm not casting blame. But I do still feel robbed, and angry. I couldn't sleep last night till just before dawn, because I couldn't allow myself to not distract myself. If I stopped distracting myself for a few moments, it would creep in. So instead, I played video games, I drank Jack Daniels, and I watched netflix until I knew that sleep would only be a few seconds away. That didn't come till just before dawn.

I stopped by Sarah's house last night and saw Olive. This was the first time I'd been to her new place, and it helped make it real in my mind that she was gone. I've realized I need to do those things when grieving, because when mom died when I was 9, I came home from school and she was just gone. It took me a year to cope with it, because it was as if she just disappeared.

When I saw her last night, I wasn't sad. I didn't cry. I was very matter of fact. But when i left, I had a growing tension in my brain that continued to grow until I was able to get some ibuprofen, and then it retreated slowly. It comes back when I think about the tension.

Sarah keeps apologizing to me. It's not her fault, unless there's something else she's not telling me. Even if that's the case, it is what it is and I need to grieve and move on.

You see, Sarah and I were that sickening couple who didn't have kids, and who treated our animals like our kids. We put every ounce of ourselves into the animals, and loved them like children. It was heartbreaking to see Olive and Pingu (her cat) move out. But now it's even more heartbreaking to see Olive taken by this senseless accident. I feel cheated out of Olive's life, and I feel a lot of anger toward the person who hit her with their car.

And about that, if I ever find you, I'm going to cut you. I don't give a fuck what kind of busy street it is, if you hit an animal and don't stop to see if it's ok, you're evil.

I've been quick to fly off the handle today at people for their nonsensical beliefs that they post on Facebook without putting any real thought or logic into what they are writing. I've been quick to get pissed off at people, and just in general feel really really shitty.

All I wanna do is drink, but I'm afraid to do that because i know it's a coping mechanism that could easily lead to alcoholism.

And then there's the underlying anger that was already there about life in general that this situation is compounded by. I can't seem to get my shit together, and I can't seem to get myself out of this. Everything I knew over the last decade of my life is gone, or marred, and I can never get it back the way it was.

I'm just sitting here idly while I feel all this anger just boiling up inside of me, and It has no outlet save for this blog.

When I drove home last night, I remember feeling that sense of isolation again, that I was pulling into a prison where I could reach no one, and where I was too far away for anyone but Laura to want to bother to come see me. It's not a good feeling to know you've got so much on your mind to work through and know you have no one to help you through it.

I try to think to myself that I need to focus on my goals, and work. But I know that today is likely a throw away. I didn't get up till noon, and I've done nothing all day. My back hurts, my head hurts, and all I wanna do is drink and not think about life.

Maybe I'll give in to that today, but then after today I need to put the bottle down. It's not going to do me any favors. But maybe for now, it's better to just be numb. I know, that's the last sensible words an alcoholic says before diving into his demons for the first time, but I've got a third of a bottle of Jack downstairs and its calling me.

So I'm gonna just call today a write off. I'm gonna do my homework, then waste it away. I'll be back from this, I just need today.

I'm Numb.,

I'm numb. I've lost a lot that I used to have, and value, and some of it will never come back. Some of it I've got to fight to get back. Some of it is just gone forever now……and that includes Olive.

So much has been taken from me over the last year that I'm at a breaking point. Every time I take a few steps forward, I get knocked off my feet and forced to start over.

With news of the death of my beloved dog, I'm numb. I cried, got angry, hit things, and started trying to play the blame game. According to the Kübler-Ross model, all of that was the usual order of events when something happens.

First comes Denial. I didn't wanna believe it.

Second came Anger. I came to this one really quick, and tried to blame. This was needless, and senseless, but considering the circumstances it was a step I had to go through. I fought to keep a level head, but I was really angry.

Third comes Bargaining, which I could skip, because there was no use at that point.

Depression was the 4th phase, and I hit that hard. I cried, and cried, and went back to anger, then cried again.

Stage 5 is acceptance. It still doesn't seem real in some ways, but I'm now somewhere between phases 4 and 5, meaning that I'm still really sad, but I'm trying to get to the point of knowing that there's nothing that can be done and trying to move on with my life.

It still doesn't seem real though. I can't imagine it being true.

It makes me angry about everything that's been taken from me over the last 12 months. It makes me wanna say Fuck this life, and make me wanna be as productive as I can be to better my situation. It makes me wanna leave all this bullshit and baggage as far behind me as I possibly can. Too many things have gone wrong in too short a time period for me to wanna live like this anymore.

I know that now and then I say "It's time for me to start kicking ass and changing things", and well, tonight is no different. I'm going to ignore this for now, and go do something useful. I had two sessions at the studio that couldn't happen, so I'm gonna go out and try to drum up some new business. Fuck sitting stagnant on my hands waiting for people to see my Craigslist ads. Fuck waiting for the artists I've worked with till now to bring some attention to me as a producer. Fuck waiting and doing nothing, It's time I got off my ass and changed my life.

It ends now.

Rest In Peace Olive.

Olive passed away today.



Sarah and I got Olive when we lived in Conifer Colorado, we bought her in the spring of 2009 from a breeder north of Fort Collins. She was such a tiny pup, and resembled a cocker spaniel, but she was a pure bred Golden Retriever. She was about 6 weeks old.



She was a tired and lethargic pup when we first brought her home, but that only lasted a few days. After a few days, she was a hyper, chewing, pooping pile of frustrating cuteness.







Sarah and I loved to travel with her, and we saw some beautiful country together. She made a great travel companion.

Sleeping on the way back from Moab, UT


Arches National Park


Chewing a tumbleweed in Arches National Park


Unearthing a buried frisbee at Lake McConaughy, Nebraska
which quickly became her new favorite toy


Barking enough to get us kicked out of our campsite at Yellowstone National Park


Olive and I on the north shores of Jackson Lake in Grand Teton National Park


An accidental, but awesome, photo in Dubois Wyoming


Grand Canyon National Park
(taken BEFORE she tried to run down the south rim)



She loved the Colorado snow, ever since her first snowfall in September 2009.



She loved playing with her damned Green Ball……….endlessly……



She REALLY loved to wake me up in really funny ways. These weren't posed, but she held still long enough for me to snap the pictures with my phone.





And she loved to try to give directions.



When Sarah left, she took Olive with her, on the condition that I'd have joint custody of her. I hadn't seen Olive in a few months, and was planning on asking her to bring Olive over next week for a stay, but today I got a call from Sarah.

Olive got out of the house and hit by a car.

I'm crushed, and I didn't wanna believe it at first. I still don't. I don't allow myself to really think about these things when they first happen too much, cause it's kinda hard to take.

I'm thankful that Laura was here to help me. I broke down. If I hadn't had her here to comfort me, I'd have already drank myself into oblivion.

I miss her. She was such a little doofus. I remember that she would pester house guests to no end, and love to play Stair Ball (throw a ball down the stairs, she'd throw herself down them to catch it).

I'm a weird combination of numb and on the edge right now.

Olive, you little goober. I love you more than you could've known. I'm sorry to see you go. But know that despite the fact that your family broke up, you were loved by both of us immensely. I wish I could've seen you one last time.



Rest in peace.